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Nooma K'Larr
Minmatar
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Posted - 2009.05.29 05:13:00 -
[1]
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble ****ting.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my butt-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my buttcheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my butt of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My butt was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two buttcheaks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poo- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky ****/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my butt off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering ****/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. |
Nooma K'Larr
Minmatar
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Posted - 2009.05.29 05:14:00 -
[2]
And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my butt cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own **** blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my butt at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for butt-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my buttcheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your butt having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Guys, DON'T SHAVE YOUR BUTT-HAIR! |
Intense Thinker
Minmatar
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Posted - 2009.05.29 05:37:00 -
[3]
I have to shave, orders of my Mistress
Pomp FTW!!! |
Alex Raptos
Caldari Phoenix Rising.
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Posted - 2009.05.29 06:02:00 -
[4]
Dont shave, just trim it.
Originally by: Dirk Magnum I've become gay for Mark Harmon despite my initial reservations about the show NCIS but nobody will ever know
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Vladmir Loki
Caldari Hole Sail Slotter
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Posted - 2009.05.29 06:07:00 -
[5]
Edited by: Vladmir Loki on 29/05/2009 06:07:45 Oh I am so happy to be first! That was possibly the most disgusting thing I've ever read, but unfortunately I completely understand what you are going through. I had to dock to laugh without losing a ship!
I have had a very strong respect for body hair below the neck since I was young. At the age of 16 or so, all of my friends were talking about having shaved the frontal portion of the nether regions. So, being 16, and hearing that it looked bigger, I took a stab. I was still pretty new to shaving in general, so I didn't know the pointers. I shaved with cold water, soap, and a not-so-sharp razor, AND against the grain to get it smoother. All was fine and dandy for a day or so, then the ingrown hairs arrived and it looked like I had slept with every dollar hooker in Alabama and received ALL of their infections.
I, too, have contemplated the removal of the same hair that you did. And, quite honestly, you have satisfied my curiosities as to WHY we have hair there. It has never made much sense to me, but now it does. I would hate to be in your situation, I hope you make it through.
EDIT: What the ****!! I suck at being first.
************************************* Spoony G > CCP will have to reimburse me for what i paid for all that iskies |
HankMurphy
Minmatar Pelennor Enterprises
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Posted - 2009.05.29 06:12:00 -
[6]
lololololololol ---------- Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy mother*****r |
LiveWire364
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Posted - 2009.05.29 06:26:00 -
[7]
What is this old copypasta
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Super Whopper
I can Has Cheeseburger
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Posted - 2009.05.29 08:11:00 -
[8]
Old copy pasta is old but I like my women shaved, for obvious reasons.
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Troye
Gallente Intelligent Concepts Inc SUB ROSA ALLIANCE
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Posted - 2009.05.29 11:22:00 -
[9]
lol this is posibly the grossest thing I've ever read, all I can say is: Your doin it wrong. _______________________________________ [a cool picture here] |
Sniper Wolf18
Gallente A Pretty Pony Princess General Tso's Alliance
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Posted - 2009.05.29 11:55:00 -
[10]
Butt Hurt? And to finish, thank you for reading my sig -------------------------------------------------- If you are still reading i would probably hav posted by now |
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Destination SkillQueue
Are We There Yet
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Posted - 2009.05.29 12:28:00 -
[11]
Copypaste FTW.
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LordSwift
Caldari
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Posted - 2009.05.29 13:42:00 -
[12]
Edited by: LordSwift on 29/05/2009 13:46:27 This was very gross to read but it was actually funny. I have never shaved anywhere else other than my face. But i have gotten rid of hair in the groin area. But i did not shave, that is important because from past girlfriends experience, and yours it hurts when it grows back. What you should do is buy that gel/foam in the womens section that sorta melts the hair and you use a rubber shaver to get rid of hair. Lasts for longer as well and no itchness.
But be careful of sensitive areas!!! Join the brown Coats today!!! |
JitaBum
Gallente Center for Advanced Studies
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Posted - 2009.05.29 14:00:00 -
[13]
zomg
awesome story
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Intense Thinker
Minmatar
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Posted - 2009.05.29 17:35:00 -
[14]
Try waxing?
Pomp FTW!!! |
Skye Aldaris
Suddenly Ninjas Tear Extraction And Reclamation Service
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Posted - 2009.05.29 18:17:00 -
[15]
This is a copy/paste story. :( xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Anti - Supplimenting your EVE experience with Industrial-Orchestral music.
[u]xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx |
Kalahari Wayrest
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Posted - 2009.05.29 18:51:00 -
[16]
__________________________ Indulge Me Consider Yourself Indulged - Immy ♥ Wow immy scored - Xorus
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Corwain
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Posted - 2009.05.29 20:48:00 -
[17]
I think I first read this in '99. -- Distortion| Distortion 2 Preview |
Dirk Magnum
Royal Hiigaran Navy SCUM.
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Posted - 2009.05.29 23:00:00 -
[18]
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dr doooo
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Posted - 2009.05.30 00:46:00 -
[19]
I call bull****. Back in 31/12/1999 I was down the newsagents getting some new batteries for my prototype Tron suit for the party that night, when I bumped into Tubgirl. She told me she had bumped into Goatse earlier that day, and he had told her that exact same story. True story.
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Pilk
Blade.
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Posted - 2009.05.30 10:51:00 -
[20]
Originally by: LordSwift Join the brown Coats today!!!
Unintentional .sig humor much?
--P
Kosh: The avalanche has already started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote. Tyrrax's bet status: PAID! |
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TraininVain
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Posted - 2009.05.30 10:52:00 -
[21]
Originally by: Corwain I think I first read this in '99.
Pretty sure like most overly long well written butt related humour it came from GBS originally.
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TimMc
Gallente Infinite Improbability Inc Mostly Harmless
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Posted - 2009.05.30 11:27:00 -
[22]
Copypasta
But confirming OP story does happen as I've done it. Just trimming it is the best advice here.
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Mankirks Wife
Caldari Space Furry Association
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Posted - 2009.05.30 11:56:00 -
[23]
Edited by: Mankirks Wife on 30/05/2009 11:56:05 OH MY GOD SOMEONE PUT **** IN MY PANTS! --- |
Lazarann
Caldari Balls Deep Inc.
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Posted - 2009.05.30 17:41:00 -
[24]
Copy & paste or not, it was still hilarious. Definitely not something I'd do.
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Super Whopper
I can Has Cheeseburger
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Posted - 2009.05.31 01:38:00 -
[25]
Originally by: TimMc Copypasta
But confirming OP story does happen as I've done it. Just trimming it is the best advice here.
ITT: nobody farts or ****s until puberty.
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Kate Libby
Caldari Solarflare Heavy Industries Doctrine.
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Posted - 2009.05.31 04:40:00 -
[26]
should wax it next time ;/ ---------------- www.Cybergate.nl Love and Kisses. |
Alex Raptos
Caldari Phoenix Rising.
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Posted - 2009.05.31 05:19:00 -
[27]
Originally by: Super Whopper
Originally by: TimMc Copypasta
But confirming OP story does happen as I've done it. Just trimming it is the best advice here.
ITT: nobody farts or ****s until puberty.
Untill puberty your ass is its own friction, after then it gets sweaty, ****ty (lul pun) and saggy.
Originally by: Dirk Magnum I've become gay for Mark Harmon despite my initial reservations about the show NCIS but nobody will ever know
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SpaceMagic
Amarr The Arrow Project
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Posted - 2009.05.31 14:37:00 -
[28]
lolol
All I can say is trim dont shave it does take longer but from what i read its worth the time lol
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Soren
PAK
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Posted - 2009.06.01 02:37:00 -
[29]
c/p or not i haven't seen this and loled irl ☠-->-->--
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Artoxis Lugh
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Posted - 2009.06.01 10:07:00 -
[30]
Originally by: SpaceMagic lolol
All I can say is trim dont shave it does take longer but from what i read its worth the time lol
A quick 5 minutes with the razor and you're sorted.
Best thing you're ever do, trust me.
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