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Riedle
Paradox Collective Choke Point
106
|
Posted - 2012.05.24 19:29:00 -
[1] - Quote
Inexplicably the timing of my bowel movements has changed. It changed to mid-morning earlier this week and in fact I just finished today's session about 5 minutes ago. I write this now as I want the experience to be fresh in my mind as I attempt to put words to the revealing, horrifying situation that I just went through.
Immediately after finishing my morning conference call - I knew I had battled the urge for too long. As soon as I hung up I gathered myself and headed to the rest room. As always I hoped for a fresh rest room, free from co-workers or other users. I opened the door and there was one person busily washing their hands, I had just enough space and time to steal into the stall unseen. Luckily the wheel chair accessible stall was available and I made use of it as there were no wheel chairs in sight.
I settled down and was running through the usual bathroom thoughts, what I had to do when I got back to my desk. Would the hand washer be gone quickly? Would any other co-workers come to disturb my peace?
The aforementioned handwasher left and I felt myself relax. The tension that you didn't know was there was dissapating. Alas, my peace was not to last. An interloper soon entered the washroom and settled in the inferior, standard stall next to my comparatively luxurious accomodations. I smirked a wry smile knowing that I had won at least one battle on this day.
Immediately my mind turned to my pooping partners pooping habits. Was he a slow pooper or fast? Could I find any evidence? Was there the tell-tale rustle of a newspaper indicating the quiet wisdom of a seasoned pooper who is able to sneak in the local section of the paper unseen from others? I doubted it as my experience had shown me that few had the patience and risk tolerance to do so anymore. Shaking my head at the direction of society I then listened for the click of the QWERTY on a blackberry. No such sound to be heard.
Evidence was quickly pointing towards my pooping partner being an efficient chap. My personal workplace pooping ethics involves not making eye contact with any other bathroom user after I am done extricating my bowels. I will go, and have gone to, great lengths to make sure that the game remains as annonymous as possible. In my personal workplace pooping rules - one does not exit the stall at the same time as another pooper. It avoids all sorts of awkward glances & horrifying small talk. I believe in preserving the quiet solitude of the pooping process. This must be observed if at all possible. Over the years I have noticed workplace society taking less pains to hiding their at work defacation from others and again, I worry about my childrens future in a society heading in this direction. I will and have remained stoic in my quiet quest to preserve the work place pooping peace.
As these thoughts were cycling through my mind, as is my, and I suspect others, inclination I glanced under the stall partition at where my pooping partners shoes should be and I will never forget what I saw next.
SOCKS! My pooping partner hadn't even bothered to put shoes on to go to the mens washroom! Horrified, my mind began to process this information. In order to gain entry to my preferred pooping station one must not just walk down an aisle in the office. You need to actually leave the office and, while carpeted, the next 60 feet to the washroom is common area like one would see in a retail environment. There is no doubt this is a shoes-only area.
Not only had my pooping partner flaunted this workplace convention they had also chosen to continue on to the tiled, public, mens washroom. Flaberghasted, I wondered who this rules flaunter was.. As disturbed as I was by these turn of events it was still more of a curiosity, in my mind, the identity of my pooping partner.
What happened next turned my pooping partners identity from curiosity to must know.
Long, Loud, mouth wide-open groans..
I could barely contain the shock that I was experiencing. Who was this rules flaunter? Who could do this? My pooping partner had to know I was there doing my biological deed - in fact there was another at the urinal as well. I knew that the person relieving themselves at the urinal was as equally shocked as I was. I wondered if they also knew that the groaner was not wearing shoes? Could the urinal user think the groaning was coming from me? I could not, no, I would not have someone think that this primal groaning was emanating from me. I now had a dilemma of timing.
I was determined to flaunt my rigid rules on workplace pooping. I was going to find out who this shoeless, groaning intruder was but I could not expose my identity to the urinal user lest the groans, if not the shoelessness, be wrongly attributed to me.
This was going to require precise timing. I could not control the timing of the urinal user or the monster in the stall next to me. All I could do was take care of my own business and be prepared for my moment of discovery. I pushed. I pushed hard.
The reader needs to understand that in addition to rigid workplace pooping ethics I am also given to relaxing whilst pooping. Wether at home or at work my philosophy was to also take one's time while pooping.
My parents, a product of their time, taught me little on the topics of biology of pooping or other things that the coming of age requires. My beloved mother's 'talk' about sexual awakening consisted of leaving a mini-booklet on my dresser entitled 'Necking and Petting' by Ann Landers when I was 17.
Needless to say, I was starved of information in that and other biological areas.
My fathers advice on biology consisted of exactly two things: 1) A Red Brown quote "Don't wash your whole a$$, just wash your 'a$$ hole" 2) No matter how hurried you feel, take your time pooping'.
cont'd |
Riedle
Paradox Collective Choke Point
106
|
Posted - 2012.05.24 19:29:00 -
[2] - Quote
These scant pieces of advice were taken as gospel, not through their apparent wisdom, but, on reflection, due to the derth of knowledge handed to me on these subjects. Nevertheless, they became rigid orthodoxy that I follow to this day.
Orthodoxy that I was about to flaunt. Circumstances demanded it and I think that any reasonable person would do the same.
The Rule Breaker must be unmasked.
I pooped like I hadn't pooped in a long time. I was nervous, excited and anxious that my bowels may not cooperate with the situation that only my brain was aware. Would my bowels cooperate? Would I get to the end in time? I remember thinking that even if I couldn't get to the natural end of my movement that even moving to a pause, a break, in the movement would be sufficient for I was determined to complete my mission. Luckily my bowels were cooperating. They seemed to be in tune, maybe even aware of, the situation at hand. The waste was removed efficiently and then I became aware of more good news.
The urinal user was now at the sink. The water was running and it seemed that the haunting scenario of my being identified as the groaning pooper was not to come to pass. Ok, worse case scenario avoided I thought. As the urinal user was making his exit I looked again over to my socked footed foe. What pooping stage were they at? I knew I was in a race and was determined not to lose.
I was finished and none too fast. The shoeless wonder was reeling off the one ply just before I was. I hurriedly rolled off about 25 feet of workplace a$$wipe and finished up. Pants up. Belt on. OMG They were standing!!?! I felt like I burst from the stall and raced for the sink. I was prepared to take my time but had no worry as the offender, blissfully unaware of my internal struggle, sauntered out of his soiled stall like they were coming up to the checkout counter at the local Sobey's.
The offender was identified. The offender was someone I knew. The offender was someone I work with. The offender is from the same contracting company as I am. I know the offender quite well.
The offender has been judged.
As I relay this story to you I wonder if the shoeless, groaning workplace pooping rules flaunter saw the horrer on my face? Did they see the disgusting revulsion on my furrowed brow? Did they see the shocked awe in my eyes as I glanced a confirmation look at his shoeless feet? Did he feel my contempt?
Only he knows for sure.
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Vulix
Center for Advanced Studies Gallente Federation
47
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Posted - 2012.05.24 19:44:00 -
[3] - Quote
A+ would read again, funny as sh!t (GET IT? LOL) |
Surfin's PlunderBunny
Hulkageddon Orphanage
1248
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Posted - 2012.05.24 20:04:00 -
[4] - Quote
You should get in touch with this guy to talk about bathroom etiquette. I'm sure you 2 would have a wonderful exchange of ideas |
Renturu
Tribal Spirit The Nest Alliance
191
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Posted - 2012.05.25 06:02:00 -
[5] - Quote
Two likes for you sir. I too am a workplace pooper. I work nights so my "movements" have, er... "moved" with my schedule. Good read. If EvE WiS is Space Barbie, then I'm built like a Ken Doll:
Nothin' but 14 inches of T'aint; Smooth, from front to butt!!! |
Jett0
Team Kitty Choke Slam
120
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Posted - 2012.05.25 10:27:00 -
[6] - Quote
Do the world a favor and publish a novel on Amazon. Do not selfishly withhold these epiphanies. Occasionally plays sober |
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GM Arcade
Game Masters C C P Alliance
23
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Posted - 2012.05.25 10:54:00 -
[7] - Quote
Spent five minutes reading this and a few minutes of quiet reflection. GM Arcade | Customer Support
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DeBingJos
Avalon Project Shadow Rock Alliance
260
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Posted - 2012.05.25 11:47:00 -
[8] - Quote
GM Arcade wrote:Spent five minutes reading this and a few minutes of quiet reflection. ^ this
Good read. Fix FW ! |
Domer Pyle
Northwest Industries International Technical Exploration Conglomerate of Hemera
0
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Posted - 2012.05.25 12:30:00 -
[9] - Quote
Surfin's PlunderBunny wrote:You should get in touch with this guy to talk about bathroom etiquette. I'm sure you 2 would have a wonderful exchange of ideas
why, hello copypasta. been a while since i've read that one.
also, good post, OP. i lolled. |
TheButcherPete
Specter Syndicate Persona Non Gratis
197
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Posted - 2012.05.25 15:06:00 -
[10] - Quote
omfg LOOOOOOOOOL :D This is why I only poop at home, and nowhere else. My moncole doubles as a cigarette lighter, a flashlight, a laser and x-ray goggles. If you haven't noticed yet, I'm in love with Punkturis. -á-á-á
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Surfin's PlunderBunny
Hulkageddon Orphanage
1255
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Posted - 2012.05.25 16:07:00 -
[11] - Quote
TheButcherPete wrote:omfg LOOOOOOOOOL :D This is why I only poop at home, and nowhere else.
Prude |
SGX Saint
Paradox Collective Choke Point
2
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Posted - 2012.05.25 18:30:00 -
[12] - Quote
Brilliant - A+ mate |
jason hill
The Riot Formation Get Off My Lawn
87
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Posted - 2012.05.25 18:35:00 -
[13] - Quote
ahhhh nowt wrong with a good stiff **** |
THE L0CK
Denying You Access
374
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Posted - 2012.05.25 19:10:00 -
[14] - Quote
TheButcherPete wrote:omfg LOOOOOOOOOL :D This is why I only poop at home, and nowhere else.
What do you do when there is no warning? Do you smell what the Lock's cooking? |
Surfin's PlunderBunny
Hulkageddon Orphanage
1255
|
Posted - 2012.05.25 19:46:00 -
[15] - Quote
THE L0CK wrote:TheButcherPete wrote:omfg LOOOOOOOOOL :D This is why I only poop at home, and nowhere else. What do you do when there is no warning?
He carries a bukkit |
Renturu
Tribal Spirit The Nest Alliance
191
|
Posted - 2012.05.26 03:52:00 -
[16] - Quote
Surfin's PlunderBunny wrote:THE L0CK wrote:TheButcherPete wrote:omfg LOOOOOOOOOL :D This is why I only poop at home, and nowhere else. What do you do when there is no warning? He carries a bukkit
Like This?
If EvE WiS is Space Barbie, then I'm built like a Ken Doll:
Nothin' but 14 inches of T'aint; Smooth, from front to butt!!! |
leviticus ander
CATO.nss
158
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Posted - 2012.05.26 08:06:00 -
[17] - Quote
TheButcherPete wrote:omfg LOOOOOOOOOL :D This is why I only poop at home, and nowhere else. kind of similar, I will go if I need to. but at the collage I'm going to, in one of the buildings, they have 6 single user bathrooms. in the main building though, there's normal washrooms. in the normal mens washrooms, the urinals line up awkwardly with the rather large crack between the door and the stall wall of the handicapped stall, so that if you're in there and someone goes to the urinals, you can see each other quite well. for this reason, I use the smaller stall when I need to. one short story I have of these bathrooms is that one day, I went to the washroom during a break, when I walk in there's one of the instructors, standing at a urinal, with his hands behind his head, singing Oh Canada. I quietly left before (I think) he noticed me. |
Mahmukt
Paradox Collective Choke Point
0
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Posted - 2012.05.26 08:59:00 -
[18] - Quote
Brilliant !! |
alittlebirdy
All Hail The Liopleurodon
30
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Posted - 2012.05.26 16:23:00 -
[19] - Quote
GM Arcade wrote:Spent five minutes reading this and a few minutes of quiet reflection.
Thats how many petitions you could have answered?
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Mohr Cowbell
Dreddit Test Alliance Please Ignore
365
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Posted - 2012.05.26 21:14:00 -
[20] - Quote
You had me at
Riedle wrote:Inexplicably the timing of my bowel movements has changed.
Also
alittlebirdy wrote: Thats how many petitions you could have answered?
Shut the hell up. |
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Akita T
Caldari Navy Volunteer Task Force
1104
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Posted - 2012.05.27 00:06:00 -
[21] - Quote
Considering I generally use the bathroom for bowel movements only once every 2 to 3 days (with not much concern if it ever becomes even longer) and I never have an exact hour for it, I usually have no problem timing it to whenever the hell I want, with very few exceptions. I also come from a background of everybody in the student dorm room building having absolutely no problem actually having chats while on the toilet or WAITING for a toilet to free up (there were only 5 stalls for ~120 people per floor, and some of them were... ahem... unusable by anybody at times) if it's anybody else we know (and chances were pretty damn high we did know the others already inside or waiting for a stall), so I don't see what the big deal is supposed to be either way. http://wiki.eveonline.com/en/wiki/User:Akita_T http://eve-search.com/stats/Akita_T |
Ituhata Saken
Elysium Enterprises
111
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Posted - 2012.05.27 00:28:00 -
[22] - Quote
I'm usually more than happy to relieve my bowels at work because that's the only way you'll ever get paid to do so. |
Riedle
Paradox Collective Choke Point
137
|
Posted - 2012.05.27 12:27:00 -
[23] - Quote
Akita T wrote:Considering I generally use the bathroom for bowel movements only once every 2 to 3 days (with not much concern if it ever becomes even longer) and I never have an exact hour for it, I usually have no problem timing it to whenever the hell I want, with very few exceptions. I also come from a background of everybody in the student dorm room building having absolutely no problem actually having chats while on the toilet or WAITING for a toilet to free up (there were only 5 stalls for ~120 people per floor, and some of them were... ahem... unusable by anybody at times) if it's anybody else we know (and chances were pretty damn high we did know the others already inside or waiting for a stall), so I don't see what the big deal is supposed to be either way.
In this day and age where people can pretty much get a hold of anyone they want anytime they want anywhere they want I cannot for the life of me understand why my 'friend' would insist on 'chatting' with me while I am attempting to push yesterday's meal past the breach of my *******.
Surely to god there are times of the day and functions of the body where one can still feel human and not have to have this frankly odd compulsion to always have our gums flapping.
Also, for the love of Pete, get some fibre into you. |
Selinate
906
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Posted - 2012.05.27 13:15:00 -
[24] - Quote
Had a room mate once that would take 30 minutes every morning just to poop, and the smell following would be the absolutely most rancid smell I have ever smelled due to *****. I'm not kidding; yes poop stinks, but this had a particularly horrible odor. Drove me up the ******* wall if I needed to shower that morning, since I couldn't do it without gagging.
As for me, pooping is a 2 second thing. No, I'm not kidding. Yes, I'm sure that means it'd be great for many other things if I swung that way. |
witchking42
UNFRL Fleet Operations CONSORTIUM UNIVERSALIS
17
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Posted - 2012.05.27 13:20:00 -
[25] - Quote
Most excellent post! |
alittlebirdy
All Hail The Liopleurodon
31
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Posted - 2012.05.27 15:27:00 -
[26] - Quote
Mohr Cowbell wrote:You had me at Riedle wrote:Inexplicably the timing of my bowel movements has changed. Also alittlebirdy wrote: Thats how many petitions you could have answered?
Shut the hell up.
Aw you MAD bro? The little test peon mad? |
Something Random
The Barrow Boys
151
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Posted - 2012.05.27 19:05:00 -
[27] - Quote
Its kinda repressed to be like this - and i mean most of you in this thread.
Everyone does it - and with men - if theyre in a cubicle you know they are doing it. Makes me laugh when im in there and some guy barely audibly next door (so to speak) tries to shat a load.
Personally im a regular morning man, i prowl until detonation is imminent, make my move - and should someone be in there i just think to myself "your so gonna wish youd hurried up mate".
Quick wash after the math - gone. but never forgotten.
Only reason id be in my socks though is cause i blew my shoes off. "caught on fire a little bit, just a little." "Delinquents, check, weirdos, check, hippies, check, pillheads, check, freaks, check, potheads, check .....gangsn++ all here!" |
Mac Tir
State War Academy Caldari State
39
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Posted - 2012.05.27 20:21:00 -
[28] - Quote
Felt obliged to leave this here: http://mistupid.com/people/page051.htm |
Buzzmong
Aliastra Gallente Federation
199
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Posted - 2012.05.27 21:53:00 -
[29] - Quote
Pfft.
The big question, one which has previously generated threadnaughts on other forums is thus:
When you go to wipe, do you fold or scrunch the toilet paper?
As an interesting note, that very question once led to a revelation that some people stand to wipe. I cannot comprehend why people would chose to do that. It boggles my mind. |
Akita T
Caldari Navy Volunteer Task Force
1104
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Posted - 2012.05.27 23:18:00 -
[30] - Quote
Riedle wrote:Surely to god there are times of the day and functions of the body where one can still feel human and not have to have this frankly odd compulsion to always have our gums flapping. Sure, I slightly prefer isolation, but I am not much bothered by conversation. Or, if I am for some reason bothered at the time, a simple "busy, talk later" will suffice to bring the point across with no needlessly hurt feelings.
Side-note, you try waiting 5-15 minutes for an empty good condition stall with 3-8 other people you know waiting alongside and see how much you feel like keeping silent for the entire time Aren't crowded dorm room buildings fun ?
Quote:Also, for the love of Pete, get some fibre into you. More a matter of practice than lack of fiber. Could easily go daily if I wanted to, I just don't feel like it. Got used to that after a rather long hospital stay in my youth, where the bathrooms were... well, the less said, the better. Bowel control grandmastery FTW. Yeah, it's probably not very healthy, but then again... http://wiki.eveonline.com/en/wiki/User:Akita_T http://eve-search.com/stats/Akita_T |
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