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Lady Spank
Amarr Trillionaire High-Rollers Suicidal Bassoon Orkesta
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Posted - 2011.01.03 13:20:00 -
[1]
My first day in 0.0 is drawing to a close. They donÆt really have a sunset here, but the fires seem to dim a bit, and the screaming gets more subdued. Most of the NC are asleep now, their pointy tails curled up around them. They look so innocent, itÆs hard to believe that just a few hours ago they were raping and torturing us.
The day started off at a party in Orvolle, where some friends were daring me to do something. The next thing I knew, I was in 0.0. At first, it seemed like a dream, but then I remembered that five-Martini dreams are usually a lot worse.
ThereÆs a kind of customs gate when you arrive here, where a camp with sparkly sensor boosters checks a big book to make sure your nameÆs friendly. And as they slowly scans the pages with bony fingers you canÆt help thinking, Why does a camper need a cloak? Especially since itÆs so hot. ThatÆs the first thing you notice about 0.0, how hot it is. I know itÆs a cliche?, but itÆs true. Fortunately, itÆs a steamy, sulfury kind of hot. Like a spa or something.
You might think that people in 0.0 are all nude. But thatÆs a myth. You wear what you were last wearing on earth. For instance, I am dressed like the German U-boat captain in the movie ôDas Boot,ö because thatÆs what I wore to the party. ItÆs an easy costume, because all you really need is the hat. The bad part is, people are always asking you who you are, even in 0.0. Come on! ôDas Bootö!
The food here turns out to be surprisingly good. The trouble is, just about all of it is poisoned. So a few minutes after you finish eating youÆre doubled over in agony. The weird thing is, as soon as you recover youÆre ready to dig in all over again.
Despite the tasty food and warm weather, thereÆs a dark side to 0.0. For one thing, itÆs totally disorganized. That anything gets done down here is a miracle. YouÆll be herded along in one big line, then itÆll separate into three lines, then the lines will all come back together again! For no apparent reason! ItÆs crazy. You try to ask a demon a question, but he just looks at you. I donÆt mean to sound prejudiced, but you wonder if they even speak English.
To relieve the boredom, you can throw rocks at other people in line. They just think it was a demon. But I discovered the hard way that the NC donÆt like it when theyÆre beating someone and you join in.
ItÆs odd, but 0.0 can be a lonely place, even with so many people around. They all seem caught up in their own little worlds, running to and fro, wailing and tearing at their hair. You try to make conversation, but you can tell theyÆre not listening.
A malaise set in within a couple hours of my arriving. I thought joining an alliance might help. It turns out I have a lot of friends in 0.0, and, using connections, I became the assistant to a corp who pulls peopleÆs teeth out. It wasnÆt actually a job, more of an internship. But I was eager. And at first it was kind of interesting. After a while, though, you start asking yourself: Is this what I came to 0.0 for, to hand different kinds of pliers to a demon? I started wondering if I should even have come to 0.0 at all. Maybe I should have lived my life differently, and gone to J-space instead.
I decided I had to get awayùthe endless lines, the senseless whipping, the forced sing-alongs. You get tired of trying to explain that youÆve already been branded, or that something that big wonÆt fit in your ear, even with a hammer. I wandered off. I needed some me time. I came to a cave and went inside. Maybe I would find a place to meditate, or some gold nuggets....
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Lady Spank
Amarr Trillionaire High-Rollers Suicidal Bassoon Orkesta
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Posted - 2011.01.03 13:21:00 -
[2]
ThatÆs when it happened, one of those moments which could only happen in 0.0. I saw Satan. Some people have been in 0.0 for hundreds of years and have never seen Satan, but there he was: he was shorter than I thought heÆd be, but he looked pretty good. He was standing on a big rock with his reading glasses on. I think he was practicing a speech. ôHey, Satan,ö I yelled out, ôhowÆs it going?ö I was immediately set upon by NC. I canÆt begin to describe the tortures they inflicted on me, because apparently they are trade secrets. Suffice it to say that, even as you endure all the pain, you find yourself thinking, Wow, how did they think of that?
My stitches are a little itchy, but at least the NC sewed most of my parts back on. More important, my faith in 0.0 as an exciting place where anything can happen has been restored.
I had better get some rest. They say the bees will be out soon and that itÆs hard to sleep with the constant stinging. I lost my internship, but I was told I can reapply in a hundred years. Meanwhile, IÆve been assigned to a construction crew. Tomorrow weÆre supposed to build a huge monolith, then take picks and shovels and tear it down, then beat each other to death. It sounds pointless to me, but what do I know. IÆm new here.
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Jovius Marginus
Minmatar Bad Kitty Inc. Wildly Inappropriate.
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Posted - 2011.01.03 13:31:00 -
[3]
Edited by: Jovius Marginus on 03/01/2011 13:31:49 The queen of all scams in nullsec...oh where will I hide my assets now? :P
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Rhes
Minmatar GoonWaffe Goonswarm Federation
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Posted - 2011.01.03 14:19:00 -
[4]
Roleplayers should stay out of 0.0 and CAOD.
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Indeterminacy
Caldari THORN Syndicate Controlled Chaos
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Posted - 2011.01.03 14:46:00 -
[5]
After enduring your trolling spankishness for far too long in the vicinity of Dodixie I'd like to say:
GTFO my 0.0
Thanks.
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Deco Washburne
Caldari Intergalactic Syndicate Galactic Syndicate
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Posted - 2011.01.03 15:07:00 -
[6]
http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/10/30/061030sh_shouts
Wait, what?
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Lady Spank
Amarr Trillionaire High-Rollers Suicidal Bassoon Orkesta
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Posted - 2011.01.03 15:16:00 -
[7]
Originally by: Deco Washburne http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/10/30/061030sh_shouts
Wait, what?
HOW DARE HE???
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Angry BIackMan
Minmatar EVE Corporation 36956314
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Posted - 2011.01.03 15:39:00 -
[8]
prepare to be wardec.
I'M ANGRY I TELL YA! |
Faekurias
Caldari Origin. Black Legion.
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Posted - 2011.01.03 16:15:00 -
[9]
Didn't read, but I am aroused.
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FOl2TY8
Gallente GoonWaffe Goonswarm Federation
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Posted - 2011.01.03 17:38:00 -
[10]
Originally by: Deco Washburne http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/10/30/061030sh_shouts
Wait, what?
ah ha ha ah you can't even plagiarize good posting
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Misanth
Amarr RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE
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Posted - 2011.01.03 21:33:00 -
[11]
Originally by: Faekurias Didn't read, but I am aroused.
Saw Lady Spanks name, got aroused. Read text, got more aroused. Read replies here and wow, now it's pretty damn near closure. Saw your name, climax.
Not sure I can sleep after this, one of those times you really wish you smoke. - I'd tell you why but then I'll have to kill you. And to kill you I'd have to log in. And to log in I'd have to stop browsing these forums. Both you and me knows that'll never happen. |
Soldarius
Caldari Northstar Cabal R.A.G.E
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Posted - 2011.01.04 04:51:00 -
[12]
What is this? I don't even...
Originally by: Manowar With dreams to be a king first one should be a man.
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Gossamer DT
Caldari Secret Squirrel Readiness Group Wildly Inappropriate.
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Posted - 2011.01.04 17:32:00 -
[13]
doesn't this belong over in My EVE?
No wonder you found life in 0.0 hard, you can't even find the right forum board to post under.... Gossamer |
Ivana Twinkle
Amarr GoonWaffe Goonswarm Federation
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Posted - 2011.01.04 20:39:00 -
[14]
Originally by: Soldarius What is this? I don't even...
Get out ---
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Jovan Geldon
Gallente Lead Farmers Kill It With Fire
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Posted - 2011.01.05 11:52:00 -
[15]
inb4 CAOD numpties don't get it.
Actually, never mind, too late.
Anyway, *I* for one welcome your new Spank overlord.
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Lady Spank
Amarr Trillionaire High-Rollers Suicidal Bassoon Orkesta
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Posted - 2011.01.05 13:16:00 -
[16]
I see CAOD is still the inbred mess of regurgitated phrases and bullcrap. It was much better when people actually fought epic battles for their territory.
Why they need a 10 people in corp rule for this sorry a-hole forum I don't know.
Sup ~
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Haradgrim
Caldari Systematic Mercantilism
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Posted - 2011.01.05 16:37:00 -
[17]
I see CAOD is still a place where people think that if they quote the New Yorker people will believe they are intelligent because only intelligent people read the New Yorker, right? .....Right? --
Originally by: CCP Oveur Just donæt forget the reach-around.
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Artemis Rose
Caldari Clandestine Vector
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Posted - 2011.01.05 17:08:00 -
[18]
Originally by: Lady Spank I see CAOD is still the inbred mess of regurgitated phrases and bullcrap. It was much better when people actually fought epic battles for their territory.
Why they need a 10 people in corp rule for this sorry a-hole forum I don't know.
Sup ~
Irony overload from the idiot who had to steal something to make a troll thread here.
*** Currently Playing: Trolls from Outer Space Current Equipment: VISAcard chain mail, +2 Amulet of Epic Whine, Self Banstick +2 WTB: +666 E-peen killboard stats |
Farham
Gallente The Fimbriani Shadow of xXDEATHXx
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Posted - 2011.01.05 18:40:00 -
[19]
~The received wisdom on Geoffrey Chaucer is that he is the freshest, clearest, and sweetest of the great Caldari poets. Eventually, critics wearied of the sun-kissed Chaucer. A new, dark-minded, satirical Chaucer emerged, then Freudian interpretations, then a postmodern analysis. In recent years, the pendulum has swung again. Many people are tired of the dark Chaucer and want the nice one back. ôThe Canterbury Talesö is a collection of stories told by a group of people making a pilgrimage to Canterbury Cathedral. ChaucerÆs characters were drawn from a wide spectrum of social classes, exemplified different types, and embodied a range of vices and virtues. Chaucer was the first poet to give his characters both emblematic value and a concrete individuality in 0.0.~
AM I DOIN IT RITE? AM I EDGEY AND IRREVERENT? Not hacking it in 0.0 since 2006
Farham is my name, and fail quoting is my game. |
Lady Spank
Amarr Trillionaire High-Rollers Suicidal Bassoon Orkesta
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Posted - 2011.01.06 00:42:00 -
[20]
Originally by: Artemis Rose
Originally by: Lady Spank I see CAOD is still the inbred mess of regurgitated phrases and bullcrap. It was much better when people actually fought epic battles for their territory.
Why they need a 10 people in corp rule for this sorry a-hole forum I don't know.
Sup ~
Irony overload from the idiot who had to steal something to make a troll thread here.
Someone gets it.
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