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Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Operations
3338
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 14:50:00 -
[31] - Quote
Calico-Jack Daniels wrote:Lovely Dumplings wrote:So I just found out that my grandfather, whom I had a close relationship growing up with, recently died. My parents decided not to tell me because they were afraid I'd bring my Significant Other and "cause conflict" in the family.
Grandpa was a WW2 vet. I was planning on attending his funeral in uniform and assist with the honor detail (I'm a military vet).
So, Eve has been my on again-off again family over the years...what do I do? I've never been this angry in my life.
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?) Forgive your parents, and respect their wishes. Be the bigger adult here.
I guess you are correct here in accordance with my advice. They wish him to not be a true family member so he should respect that and move on and away. America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence (and back to barbarism - KI) without civilization in between. - Oscar Wilde - 1870's |
Malphilos
State War Academy Caldari State
365
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 15:00:00 -
[32] - Quote
Krixtal Icefluxor wrote:Folks. Really. What this man's ENTIRE FAMILY did is not forgivable. Not by any means.
Sure it is. People are stupid, and do stupid things. There's never anything else to forgive. If you can't forgive that you're setting yourself up for a life of self-righteous bitterness which, while it may appear principled or forthright, is actually a pretty hollow and childish imitation of an emotionally secure existence.
It sounds to me like the OP's parents excluded him from the funeral because they don't know how to cope, not because they thought it would be the best way to hurt him. It's pointless to fault people for the limits of their perceptive and intellectual compass.
OP, go do your thing for your grandfather. Tell your parents you're disappointed you didn't get to attend the public ceremony, and move on. Accept them the way you want them to accept you. It's the best you'll ever be able to do.
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Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Operations
3338
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 15:07:00 -
[33] - Quote
Malphilos wrote:Krixtal Icefluxor wrote:Folks. Really. What this man's ENTIRE FAMILY did is not forgivable. Not by any means. Sure it is. People are stupid, and do stupid things. There's never anything else to forgive. If you can't forgive that you're setting yourself up for a life of self-righteous bitterness which, while it may appear principled or forthright, is actually a pretty hollow and childish imitation of an emotionally secure existence. It sounds to me like the OP's parents excluded him from the funeral because they don't know how to cope, not because they thought it would be the best way to hurt him. It's pointless to fault people for the limits of their perceptive and intellectual compass. OP, go do your thing for your grandfather. Tell your parents you're disappointed you didn't get to attend the public ceremony, and move on. Accept them the way you want them to accept you. It's the best you'll ever be able to do.
So what is he supposed to do, walk right up and forgive them to their faces ? Of course he can forgive in his own mind, and yes, that is the right thing to do as otherwise will lead to resentments and all that.
And his parent do know how to cope, by excluding him. They are embarrassed of their own child. This is their way of coping. And again, until they come to him directly saying they have made a terrible mistake, this will happen over and over again. Is he supposed to just put up with it through a form of emotional masochism ?
Maybe it's happened sometime somewhere, but once things are at this point in someone's adult life with such familial behavior, I personally have never once seen it solved or work out in any way. Trying is beating ones head against brick walls.
EDIT: and THAT leads to further resentments and bitterness indeed.
What people do not seem to be understanding is this is not going to be a one time thing. America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence (and back to barbarism - KI) without civilization in between. - Oscar Wilde - 1870's |
Xenuria
The Scope Gallente Federation
692
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 15:15:00 -
[34] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:So I just found out that my grandfather, whom I had a close relationship growing up with, recently died. My parents decided not to tell me because they were afraid I'd bring my Significant Other and "cause conflict" in the family.
Grandpa was a WW2 vet. I was planning on attending his funeral in uniform and assist with the honor detail (I'm a military vet).
So, Eve has been my on again-off again family over the years...what do I do? I've never been this angry in my life.
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?)
I am really sorry for your loss, I am also really agitated that they would not tell you because of something so inconsequential. CSM 8 Candidate Philanthropist Polymath Savant Hero |
Micheal Dietrich
Kings Gambit Black
898
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 15:25:00 -
[35] - Quote
Krixtal Icefluxor wrote:Calico-Jack Daniels wrote:Lovely Dumplings wrote:So I just found out that my grandfather, whom I had a close relationship growing up with, recently died. My parents decided not to tell me because they were afraid I'd bring my Significant Other and "cause conflict" in the family.
Grandpa was a WW2 vet. I was planning on attending his funeral in uniform and assist with the honor detail (I'm a military vet).
So, Eve has been my on again-off again family over the years...what do I do? I've never been this angry in my life.
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?) Forgive your parents, and respect their wishes. Be the bigger adult here. I guess you are correct here in accordance with my advice.
in accordance with your advice.....
The expert has spoken everyone! Heed his advice and choose your words carefully!
For the OP: Unless you have any other relatives to whom you are close to, I would say drop the family and move on. The idea of picking up a new family is not that far fetched. I have a biological mother, a stepmother, and a rent-a-mother and the latter 2 have been more of a mother than the first ever was. Simply put if they can't at least meet you halfway then find somebody who will. As for the grandfather just go with what everyone else said, but I'm suspecting that you are already there. |
Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Operations
3338
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 15:32:00 -
[36] - Quote
Micheal Dietrich wrote:[ The expert has spoken everyone! Heed his advice and choose your words carefully!
This kind of snipping is unnecessary here Michael.
And expert ? Yes. Probably. I've mentioned a few incidents from my past, but not the core incident which is very very similar to the OP.
But this is not a thread about me. But I am giving the best advice I can based on extremely personal and close experience to this situation.
Maybe in a few days when we know more how OP is doing I will post the horror that happened to me. America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence (and back to barbarism - KI) without civilization in between. - Oscar Wilde - 1870's |
Micheal Dietrich
Kings Gambit Black
898
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 15:35:00 -
[37] - Quote
Krixtal Icefluxor wrote:Micheal Dietrich wrote:[ The expert has spoken everyone! Heed his advice and choose your words carefully!
This kind of snipping is unnecessary here Michael. And expert ? Yes. Probably. I've mentioned a few incidents from my past, but not the core incident which is very very similar to the OP. But this is not a thread about me. But I am giving the best advice I can based on extremely personal and close experience to this situation. Maybe in a few days when we know more how OP is doing I will post the horror that happened to me.
You're coming in here like you are Dr Phil and telling everyone else how the advice should be. Advice is based on opinions, and opinions are neither right or wrong, they just are. |
Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Operations
3338
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 15:44:00 -
[38] - Quote
Micheal Dietrich wrote:
You're coming in here like you are Dr Phil and telling everyone else how the advice should be. Advice is based on opinions, and opinions are neither right or wrong, they just are.
Drop it. America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence (and back to barbarism - KI) without civilization in between. - Oscar Wilde - 1870's |
Micheal Dietrich
Kings Gambit Black
898
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 15:54:00 -
[39] - Quote
Krixtal Icefluxor wrote:Micheal Dietrich wrote:
You're coming in here like you are Dr Phil and telling everyone else how the advice should be. Advice is based on opinions, and opinions are neither right or wrong, they just are.
Drop it.
No problem, just stop typing asinine phrases like "in accordance with my advice". Like you said, this thread isn't about you. The OP asked for advice and people are offering it in whatever form they can. The OP will read that advice and decide the best course of action, not have you decide. |
Lovely Dumplings
Lambda Mining
46
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 16:36:00 -
[40] - Quote
Thanks for all of your kind words and ideas. I've actually gotten in touch with the local VFW, told them the story of what happened, and the guy in charge said they'd be willing to host honors for my grandfather, when I can get to the area. I'll be visiting with my partner, and close friends of mine.
Honestly, this is the final straw in many, many years of problems with my family accepting me for who I am. I won't be antagonistic about it, but, I'm not having anything more to do with my family. I've got my "EVE family", as dysfunctional as ya'll are, and I have my friends and real world life.
Thanks again. Everyone talks BS about the EVE community, but you folks have been wonderful towards a perfect stranger in a rough time. |
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silens vesica
Corsair Cartel
429
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 16:42:00 -
[41] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:Thanks for all of your kind words and ideas. De nada. We only play at trolls in-game. IRL, most of us are actual human beings.
Quote:I've actually gotten in touch with the local VFW, told them the story of what happened, and the guy in charge said they'd be willing to host honors for my grandfather, when I can get to the area. I'll be visiting with my partner, and close friends of mine. This.^ Most excellent.
Quote:Honestly, this is the final straw in many, many years of problems with my family accepting me for who I am. I won't be antagonistic about it, but, I'm not having anything more to do with my family. Look out for yourself and your own needs - if you're not taking care of that, you can't take care of anything, or anyone, else. As you say, there's no need for drama; leave like a cat - just turn and walk away.
Be Well. Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But scream it at them in Esperanto, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
Malcanis for CSM8 |
Zimmy Zeta
RvB - RED Federation
6288
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 16:56:00 -
[42] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote: (snip)
Thanks again. Everyone talks BS about the EVE community, but you folks have been wonderful towards a perfect stranger in a rough time.
You are welcome. We are not that bad. Still, fitting a decent tank on your barge and checking d-scan once in a while is strongly recommended when dealing with us. Please don't feed me. |
Lovely Dumplings
Lambda Mining
51
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 11:47:00 -
[43] - Quote
Apologies for the slight necro on this, but I thought it right to let ya'll know what happened. On Thursday, myself, my partner, and close friends returned to my hometown to pay Grandpa his last respects. The VFW was awesome, and actually re-created the grave site, with casket and all (the casket, of course was empty). Grandpa got his three volleys, Taps, and flag honors rendered. Afterwards, there were many rounds in his name at the VFW hall, and war stories shared.
Turns out, my mother didn't request military honors at the "first" funeral, so I'm glad Grandpa got the send-off he deserved. Thanks again for everyone's advice, well-wishes, and condolences. |
Juno Valerii
Federal Navy Academy Gallente Federation
46
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 12:53:00 -
[44] - Quote
I'm glad it worked out for you in the end and it sounds like your grandfather got the send off he deserved the second time around anyway. I've had major issues with my family my entire life and made the decision to just cut them off a while back. While I don't necessarily advocate that particular path for you, I understand how you feel. |
Rana Ash
Gradient Electus Matari
123
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 13:17:00 -
[45] - Quote
Wow, great bunch of people whom did that. I am sure your grandfather is smiling at yah. Happy you got some kind of solace and closure.. |
SeenButNotHeard
Doing The Business
13
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 14:27:00 -
[46] - Quote
Not entirely sure why, this thread made me feel a bit sad.
Maybe it is just nice to see Eve players not being tools for once.
Am glad you Gramps got his send off - not all of us get to do it twice
Nuff respect. |
AstraPardus
Lightspeed Enterprises Fidelas Constans
206
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 15:19:00 -
[47] - Quote
I feel that you are right for being insulted and angry. What I would do, personally, is I would go to the grave with my significant other (if they wished to accompany me) and I would have my own private mourning...and I would go in full uniform (if I were a vet, which I am not).
Sadly, this kind of thing happens to many people. I'm in an interracial marriage and converted to Buddhism with my wife, and some of my family is uncomfortable with those things; we're not on speaking terms, including my mother, who I used to have such a good relationship with.
I believe, and always have, that the family you choose often means more than the family you're born into. Every time I post is Pardy time! :3 |
SeenButNotHeard
Doing The Business
16
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 15:35:00 -
[48] - Quote
AstraPardus wrote:
I believe, and always have, that the family you choose often means more than the family you're born into.
This is so true.
After hearing my own Brother tell my Mother that "family is no more important than friends" I realised who the important people were.
It is those people you love being around. No more than that.
EDIT - now I thought about this I have realised that I have turned into the very thing that annoyed me in the first place. And that annoys me.
Damn I am annoyed. Haha
Seriously tho - families are a special category all of their own. They only equal each other in how special they are and how annoying they are. |
Cierejai
Biofuel Productions
41
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 21:38:00 -
[49] - Quote
If you know that your family doesn't like your lifestyle, why would you rub it in their face at a funeral? You would deliberately cause them distress in a time of mourning, whether or not you are consciously aware of this is irrelevant.
You wouldn't show them respect, but you demand it in return?
See the problem? |
Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Operations
3370
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 21:44:00 -
[50] - Quote
Cierejai wrote:If you know that your family doesn't like your lifestyle
This is the root of the problem (and your ignorance).
What gives them the right to not 'like' a 'lifestyle' ? Living is living. You sir need a big attitude change. America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence (and back to barbarism - KI) without civilization in between. - Oscar Wilde - 1870's |
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SeenButNotHeard
Doing The Business
19
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 21:49:00 -
[51] - Quote
Cierejai wrote:If you know that your family doesn't like your lifestyle, why would you rub it in their face at a funeral? You would deliberately cause them distress in a time of mourning, whether or not you are consciously aware of this is irrelevant.
You wouldn't show them respect, but you demand it in return?
See the problem?
Where does the OP mention lifestyle? It isn't a lifestyle. That person is who they are. Defending shallow-mindedness, in the way that you do, is frankly depressing.
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Marie Hartinez
Aries Munitions and Defense
188
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 22:11:00 -
[52] - Quote
AstraPardus wrote:I feel that you are right for being insulted and angry. What I would do, personally, is I would go to the grave with my significant other (if they wished to accompany me) and I would have my own private mourning...and I would go in full uniform (if I were a vet, which I am not).
Sadly, this kind of thing happens to many people. I'm in an interracial marriage and converted to Buddhism with my wife, and some of my family is uncomfortable with those things; we're not on speaking terms, including my mother, who I used to have such a good relationship with.
I believe, and always have, that the family you choose often means more than the family you're born into.
Sounds almost like my life.
My mother's family has disowned me because I "dared" to married outside of my "race". They're pretty hardcore German and Catholic. I was bought up to believe that I should only marry a wife who is blonde and blued like myself.
I dared and married an exotic dark haired and brown eyed Latina Catholic woman. I mean, at least she is Catholic.
You can't help who you fall in love with.
They refused to attend my wedding, refused to visit the hospital when our daughter was born, and they refuse to believe that she is my kid. I haven't talked to them in years, and I feel that I'm better without them.
My wife's family is very open minded about me and my "strange" German culture. They're more a family to me then either my mother's or father's side. Though, my father's family is happy that I have a loving wife and kid. Surrender is still your slightly less painful option. |
NeoShocker
Interstellar eXodus BricK sQuAD.
162
|
Posted - 2013.01.27 07:03:00 -
[53] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:Kahu ia Kane'ohe wrote:Lovely Dumplings wrote: The reason i was given was: "Well if we had told you when it happened you would have shown up at the funeral with your partner, and you know how the rest of the family would react to that." They basically waited till after the funeral, to tell me.
So you didn't even attend the funeral? Nope, didn't get to attend. I got told Grandpa died today, the day after they held the funeral.
Wow, that is extremely ****** up. |
silens vesica
Corsair Cartel
459
|
Posted - 2013.01.27 07:54:00 -
[54] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:Apologies for the slight necro on this, but I thought it right to let ya'll know what happened. On Thursday, myself, my partner, and close friends returned to my hometown to pay Grandpa his last respects. The VFW was awesome, and actually re-created the grave site, with casket and all (the casket, of course was empty). Grandpa got his three volleys, Taps, and flag honors rendered. Afterwards, there were many rounds in his name at the VFW hall, and war stories shared.
Turns out, my mother didn't request military honors at the "first" funeral, so I'm glad Grandpa got the send-off he deserved. Thanks again for everyone's advice, well-wishes, and condolences. Properly done. Bravo Zulu. Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But scream it at them in Esperanto, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
Malcanis for CSM8 |
Mallak Azaria
GoonWaffe Goonswarm Federation
2175
|
Posted - 2013.01.27 08:07:00 -
[55] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:So I just found out that my grandfather, whom I had a close relationship growing up with, recently died. My parents decided not to tell me because they were afraid I'd bring my Significant Other and "cause conflict" in the family.
Grandpa was a WW2 vet. I was planning on attending his funeral in uniform and assist with the honor detail (I'm a military vet).
So, Eve has been my on again-off again family over the years...what do I do? I've never been this angry in my life.
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?)
Sever contact. They obviously have no respect for you as a person because of who you are & you deserve better than that. The Adventures of a Belligerent Undesirable |
Brujo Loco
Brujeria Teologica
570
|
Posted - 2013.01.27 16:30:00 -
[56] - Quote
Wow .. that-¦s ... WOW ... I-¦m actually angry ... A LOT, such disrespect and bigotry. It goes beyond sexual orientation. Wow, can-¦really say much else. This "special" family of yours, better off away from them. Ugh
Reciprocity is an actual concept based on reality.
People that give zero or negative to my life are cut off, and honestly I am waaaaay better off like that.
But then again, that-¦s me. I know other people actually care for that strange masochistic bond that the illusion of "family" entails, and I can respect that in them, but not me, in me they hit a real cold steel wall.
Can-¦t really advice on how to behave in that situation, but let me say, that at least, in this side of the pond, you have one person that actually felt a tiny bit angry at how you were treated.
Hope everything goes well for you and sorry for your loss.
o7 Inner Sayings of BrujoLoco: http://eve-files.com/sig/brujoloco |
Emma Royd
Maddled Gommerils
196
|
Posted - 2013.01.27 20:18:00 -
[57] - Quote
I guess I don't realise how 'lucky' I am
My brother is homosexual, it's never been a problem in the only family that matters (me, my wife, my mum and dad), it was never brought up with my in-laws, at the time my brother in law was very anti-homosexual so while we didn't hide it, we didn't bring it up as a topic of conversation.
I've been fortunate (if it can be described as fortunate) to be at the hospital bedside of my mum, and both my parents in law when they passed away. None of them were concious but it still gave a sense of closure as we could say our goodbye's.
I can't imagine the pain of your situation happening to me, and I truly feel for you and your partner, if you can't rely on family in these times when can you?
It's a shame that they can't accept your sexuality and move on.
Personally I would move on, yes you will be angry and rightly so, but it's the kind of anger that will eat at you for years if it lets you. Forgive although forget will probably never happen, accept the fact that they can't accept you, but as long as you've got a loving partner to give you strength then you will be able to get through this.
Be a better person than your family, if they sometime in the future realise what they did, and how it upset you, they may accept you for what you are rather than what they want.
Sorry for your loss, your grief, and your hassles :( |
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