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Caelestina
Chill Cabal Northern Associates.
0
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Posted - 2013.10.29 16:41:00 -
[1] - Quote
So first and foremost...I have never really made any of my writing public and I am looking for constructive feedback whether it be positive or negative, as I may end up continuing with this story and submitting it to the contest if it is deemed worthy.
I also know next to nothing about the actual EVE lore, so the following story is just what I came up with based on a general knowledge of "space things". If things seem a bit whack or wrong, that's why. lol.
I would love to hear whether I should continue this or whether it needs some work or even if it is crap.
Anyway...on with the story!
Elusive Desire
Sweet nothingness.
A smile crept across his face as his ship emptied out of the hangar into the cold vast space before him. He took a second to breathe in deeply and close his eyes to mentally prepare himself for the journey ahead. He hated the noise and busy nature of the stations. The pure silence of space was his refuge. He craved it even. The doctors had claimed he was crazy. He had killed them.
As the docking procedures finished, he began punching in the coordinates of his destination into the navigational computer to his left. The vigorous hum of the warp drives spinning up also brought him some comfort and another devilish smile crossed his lips.
ItGÇÖs payday.
There were few stations that would harbor him anymore, and fewer still that would allow him to use much more than the hangar for simple repairs. It was a shame he had to blow this one up. Mercenary life had its perks though. He saw the explosions rip through the stationGÇÖs core levels and fracture the structure in a hundred places just as his ship, Miasma, leaped into warp, leaving hundreds, if not thousands, to die.
They donGÇÖt know how lucky they are.
It happened every time he killed. He was angry and jealous; it was an almost infinite hatred for those he killed. He wanted what he gave them. Nothingness. He wanted an end. Instead, every time he died, he would just wake up in another location, naked and angry. It wasnGÇÖt even partially due to the pain involved with re-integrating his retinue of implants, that was simply a minor inconvenience, but the simple fact that he could never truly die caused his rage to boil and fester ceaselessly. He thought that, perhaps, if he were to bring enough people to that sweet nothingness, he would be granted a true death, that he himself would somehow receive that nothingness.
It was only a few short seconds in warp until he dropped out just shy of the jump gate. As he configured the ship commands to jump through, he saw the familiar flashing icon of his financials on his shipGÇÖs display. He quickly checked the amount and proceeded with the gate, making a mental note that he was shorted several hundred million kredits.
Does he take me for a fool?!
As the gate jump finished, he opened communications with his contact. He did not enjoy being slighted. His hands began to shake with agitation.
The man on the other end of the conversation, while appearing composed visually on screen, sounded terrified as he answered. GǣYGǪYes?Gǥ
The capsuleerGÇÖs words, though mostly robotic in sound due to his implants, dripped with venom. GÇ£YouGÇÖre voice betrays you. You have broken our contract. You and everyone you hold dear will pay for your insolence.GÇ¥
GÇ£It...It...I...It was an honest mistake,GÇ¥ the man squeaked, his composed expression shifting into that of a panicked animal. GÇ£IGÇÖll send the rest right away, just please leave my family out of this!GÇ¥
The familiar flash of the capsuleerGÇÖs financials lit up again, this time showing far more than what he had originally been told he would receive. It made no difference.
GÇ£Generous, but foolish. YouGÇÖve only made your killer richer.GÇ¥ He watched the eyes of his next victim bulge in terror. GÇ£See you soon, Governor.GÇ¥
GÇ£No! Wait! I..GÇ¥
The capsuleer cut the communications short and began reeling up his warp drives once again. His hands still shook violently from the slight.
There is nowhere to hide, Governor, but please do run. It makes it so much more enjoyable.
This kill would be tricky, but nothing he couldnGÇÖt handle. The locals didnGÇÖt call him the Dread Specter for nothing. He crossed through several sectors of space before finally arriving at a station just a handful of jumps away from his target. He needed to prepare his gear and switch ships.
He never truly liked the name, Dread Specter, which the various peoples of the galaxy had given him, but he also never had a name before that, so he allowed it to remain. He had heard rumors that it was given to him after his assassination of the last CEO of a major corporation in Caldari space, but he had also heard that it was given to him after his feats of sabotage during the War of Gales. It mattered little, he supposed, but he found it amusing none-the-less.
His captainGÇÖs quarters were just as he had left them when he had procured them from their former owner. The poor pilotGÇÖs blood stain still lingered on the wall. The capsuleer smirked at the sight.
The fool thought he could fight me. He had gall at least.
He turned his attention back toward the armory, which housed several sets of his modified equipment and the computer system capable of outfitting his ship for him. He selected his favored ship from the list and went about configuring the turrets and bays, allowing for the most speed and stealth he could get.
Once the configuration was finished, he turned to his modified equipment and took a small cloaking device that he had had re-engineered to work on his person, rather than a ship. He had murdered the man who made it for him once it had been completed. It was one of a kind. His lips curled into an almost fond smile as he recalled the memory.
A messy kill, but I could see the Nothingness in his eyes as life slipped from him. Lucky bastard. |
Caelestina
Chill Cabal Northern Associates.
0
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Posted - 2013.10.29 16:42:00 -
[2] - Quote
Hearing the notification that his ship outfitting had been completed by the dock systems, he turned from his armory and headed toward the deck, affixing the cloaking device around his neck like jewelry. As he approached the deck, he stood back and admired the ship briefly.
It was an older styled interceptor class with an overhauled interface and warp core. He had had it coated a deep crimson and reinforced with newer metals, as well as had advanced cloaking modules installed. It was a ship in a class all of its own, and it was nearly invisible to everything. It was his Demon. His most prized ship. The ship he hoped to find that sweet nothingness in.
Maybe this time.
So that's all I have so far... Let me know what you think!
Thanks for reading! o7 |
Caelestina
Chill Cabal Northern Associates.
0
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Posted - 2013.10.29 16:44:00 -
[3] - Quote
Post Reserved for Possible Future Content. |
Random McNally
Red Federation RvB - RED Federation
36789
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Posted - 2013.10.29 17:27:00 -
[4] - Quote
Excellent beginning! Why are you stopping??!!
Write MOAR!! (holy crap, I didnt just earn his ire, did I?)
Very good start, seriously. Don't be shy! Red Fed Grunt.-á Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Pod and Pilot Fiction Contest!! http://hullabalutions.blogspot.com/2013/10/hellowriters-and-readers-heres-pod-and.html Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com |
Oxinean
Fruidian Logic The Volition Cult
0
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Posted - 2013.10.29 21:09:00 -
[5] - Quote
Glad I harassed you enough to write :) great so far bud. Pretty awesome that Random posted on this as I was listening to high drag when they were talking about the contest and told you about it haha. We do need more though!!! |
Random McNally
Red Federation RvB - RED Federation
36855
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Posted - 2013.10.29 22:13:00 -
[6] - Quote
yes...MOAR!!
(whipcrack)
*still looking for that #2 pencil* Red Fed Grunt.-á Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Pod and Pilot Fiction Contest!! http://hullabalutions.blogspot.com/2013/10/hellowriters-and-readers-heres-pod-and.html Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com |
Seraph Essael
Science and Trade Institute Caldari State
147
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Posted - 2013.10.30 00:18:00 -
[7] - Quote
Very enjoyable. Gief moar naow please?
Onto a criticism though (constructive mind you): I dont think I've ever see the word 'he' used so many times You need to try and break it up a little, nearly every other sentence had 'he' in it. A way to perhaps break it up would be to introduce the use of his name, callsign or what other people call him.
It is very good though and awesome to have more competition too Quoted from Doc Fury: "Concerned citizens: Doc seldom plays EVE on the weekends during spring and summer, so you will always be on your own for a couple days a week. Doc spends that time collecting kittens for the on-going sacrifices, engaging in reckless outdoor activities, and speaking in the 3rd person." |
Caelestina
Chill Cabal Northern Associates.
1
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Posted - 2013.10.30 01:11:00 -
[8] - Quote
Glad you guys enjoyed it!
@Seraph - Thank you for the criticism! I didn't really notice it until I read your post and read back through. I'll look into altering it a bit. The problem is that I introduced his "name", but it is later down the line, and up until then it's either Capsuleer or "he". Not sure what else I could throw in there in the mean time until his "name" is revealed. Any ideas? |
Seraph Essael
Science and Trade Institute Caldari State
147
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Posted - 2013.10.30 01:36:00 -
[9] - Quote
Caelestina wrote:Glad you guys enjoyed it!
@Seraph - Thank you for the criticism! I didn't really notice it until I read your post and read back through. I'll look into altering it a bit. The problem is that I introduced his "name", but it is later down the line, and up until then it's either Capsuleer or "he". Not sure what else I could throw in there in the mean time until his "name" is revealed. Any ideas?
Haha yeah I noticed. In fact before I wrote my post I actually checked just in case you had introduced his name earlier. Unfortunately I don't know what to suggest if you dont want his name being said earlier with it being written into the story to be said at a specific point
I kinda feel bad criticising and not being able to give a difinitive solution, but you can always do that same and call it even haha just kidding Quoted from Doc Fury: "Concerned citizens: Doc seldom plays EVE on the weekends during spring and summer, so you will always be on your own for a couple days a week. Doc spends that time collecting kittens for the on-going sacrifices, engaging in reckless outdoor activities, and speaking in the 3rd person." |
Random McNally
Red Federation RvB - RED Federation
36900
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Posted - 2013.10.30 01:53:00 -
[10] - Quote
Perhaps rotating "Dread" (shortened version) and "the Mercenary".
Since this is a "solo" person, you could probably add "the killer" or such....
Just some ideas. Red Fed Grunt.-á Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Pod and Pilot Fiction Contest!! http://hullabalutions.blogspot.com/2013/10/hellowriters-and-readers-heres-pod-and.html Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com |
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Caelestina
Chill Cabal Northern Associates.
1
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Posted - 2013.10.30 02:02:00 -
[11] - Quote
Seraph Essael wrote:Caelestina wrote:Glad you guys enjoyed it!
@Seraph - Thank you for the criticism! I didn't really notice it until I read your post and read back through. I'll look into altering it a bit. The problem is that I introduced his "name", but it is later down the line, and up until then it's either Capsuleer or "he". Not sure what else I could throw in there in the mean time until his "name" is revealed. Any ideas? Haha yeah I noticed. In fact before I wrote my post I actually checked just in case you had introduced his name earlier. Unfortunately I don't know what to suggest if you dont want his name being said earlier with it being written into the story to be said at a specific point I kinda feel bad criticising and not being able to give a difinitive solution, but you can always do that same and call it even haha just kidding
Lol. I'll play around with the story a little at work tomorrow and see if I can't come up with a creative way to fix it.
I usually write fantasy (dragons and magic, etc) with a dozen or so characters, so the "he" thing doesn't really ever come up since I'm switching names and descriptions several times.
Either way, I still much appreciate the feedback!
@Random - That may actually end up being what I do. The trick will be to stick those in where it doesn't make the sentence sound "too heavy" with words...if that makes any sense XD Thank you for the tips/feedback! Much appeciated! |
LordSwift
Wrabble Wrousers The Rejects.
13
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Posted - 2013.10.30 15:14:00 -
[12] - Quote
Good Story i will subscribe to this thread and see where it leads. My only one Gripe is
Quote:As the docking procedures finished, he began punching in the coordinates of his destination into the navigational computer to his left. The vigorous hum of the warp drives spinning up also brought him some comfort and another devilish smile crossed his lips.
I assume the main character is a pod pilot. unless i read it wrong. We think where we are going and tell the ship where to go with our minds. We plot where we are going and everything else this way. The inside of the pod is smooth and just filled with goo. :)
thats all good work otherwise Mal: "If anyone gets nosy, just...you know... shoot 'em. "
Zoe: "Shoot 'em?"
Mal: "Politely." |
Caelestina
Chill Cabal Northern Associates.
3
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Posted - 2013.10.30 15:20:00 -
[13] - Quote
LordSwift wrote:Good Story i will subscribe to this thread and see where it leads. My only one Gripe is Quote:As the docking procedures finished, he began punching in the coordinates of his destination into the navigational computer to his left. The vigorous hum of the warp drives spinning up also brought him some comfort and another devilish smile crossed his lips. I assume the main character is a pod pilot. unless i read it wrong. We think where we are going and tell the ship where to go with our minds. We plot where we are going and everything else this way. The inside of the pod is smooth and just filled with goo. :) thats all good work otherwise
Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, I just read through how that stuff works and am actually in the process of fixing it right now while I'm at work. :D
Should have revised parts up shortly, then hopefully have some stuff to add later today
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Caelestina
Chill Cabal Northern Associates.
3
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Posted - 2013.10.30 16:14:00 -
[14] - Quote
Replaced the original with the revised version above!
Let me know if that's better or worse!
I still have a LOT of room left to finish the story, so I have more wiggle room for improvements on the beginning if need be.
Cheers! |
LordSwift
Wrabble Wrousers The Rejects.
13
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Posted - 2013.10.31 12:57:00 -
[15] - Quote
Liking the update. interested in seeing how this goes, it seems this capsuleer is not in control of his clone contracts. Because if he was and wanted to die permanently then all he would need to do is not have any clones to go to when his pod dies. Interested in who is turning his wheels. If you havent this is a good read https://wiki.eveonline.com/en/wiki/Pod Mal: "If anyone gets nosy, just...you know... shoot 'em. "
Zoe: "Shoot 'em?"
Mal: "Politely." |
Seraph Essael
Science and Trade Institute Caldari State
149
|
Posted - 2013.10.31 14:58:00 -
[16] - Quote
Caelestina wrote:Replaced the original with the revised version above! Let me know if that's better or worse! I still have a LOT of room left to finish the story, so I have more wiggle room for improvements on the beginning if need be. Cheers!
Seems to flow a lot better than it did before. Grats!
Will be good to see the rest of the story when its done. Quoted from Doc Fury: "Concerned citizens: Doc seldom plays EVE on the weekends during spring and summer, so you will always be on your own for a couple days a week. Doc spends that time collecting kittens for the on-going sacrifices, engaging in reckless outdoor activities, and speaking in the 3rd person." |
Caelestina
Chill Cabal Northern Associates.
3
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Posted - 2013.11.01 18:04:00 -
[17] - Quote
Thanks guys!
I should have more done this weekend. Didn't get a chance yesterday and likely won't have a chance today unfortunately. |
Caelestina
Chill Cabal Northern Associates.
3
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Posted - 2013.11.05 19:52:00 -
[18] - Quote
Finished the story today and added a link to the final product.
Note: The structure got a bit wonky on me when I copied it over from Microsoft Word, so the indents might be a tad off, but oh well.
Enjoy!
And let me know what you think! |
Seraph Essael
Science and Trade Institute Caldari State
150
|
Posted - 2013.11.05 22:49:00 -
[19] - Quote
You can rest easy knowing all the indent seemed to work okayish It seems to read all right and structure is broken up into readable paragraphs so not to worry...
Thoroughly enjoyed the finished piece |
Caelestina
Chill Cabal Northern Associates.
3
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Posted - 2013.11.05 23:27:00 -
[20] - Quote
Good to hear! Thanks! |
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Caelestina
Twenty Questions Greater Western Co-Prosperity Sphere
38
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Posted - 2014.01.14 18:21:00 -
[21] - Quote
Finally getting around to updating this!
First of all THANK YOU soooo much to the judges!
This story placed third in its category for those of you who were not following the contest. This is way better than I expected to do as the competition was amazing.
Second: If you liked this story and want to follow my blog as I create more stories and such (not necessarily pertaining to eve), then feel free to visit my site at Leaking Creativity. I have since scrapped my wordpress blog as I didn't really like the options.
Thanks again to the judges and to those that read my story! Can't wait for the next contest! |
Orland Yormes
New Eden Empire Defence Administration Pasta Syndicate
14
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Posted - 2014.02.05 06:03:00 -
[22] - Quote
Read more of the eve lore so you can add more details to the story I like sci-fi details! =) |
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