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KnowUsByTheDead
Sunlight...Through The Blight.
1645
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Posted - 2014.04.22 09:09:00 -
[91] - Quote
I personally hope that Number One is sent to Section 3 to eliminate Rhonda The Hutt.
Her sarcastic nature is bleeding through. The dark side is imminent.
Awoxing guarantees citizenship.
Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the comedian is the only thing that makes sense. -á-á-á-á-á-á-á |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
12643
|
Posted - 2014.04.22 17:17:00 -
[92] - Quote
This morning was an OMG moment. Number 1 REAMED out Randy the Pornstar. REAMED. Ive seen some awful things here..but THAT was awesome and terrifying at the same time. Apparently Number 1 has been propping up Randy the Pornstar without my knowledge, and finally she had enough. All the crew and I could do was sit back and watch as she screamed him up one side and down the other. I should have stepped in... but sometimes you just have to stand back and watch the trainwreck out of pure morbid curiosity. "Are you kidding me?!??!! Our supervisor ***** off on the computer all day and plays with ******* muffins..and IM the screwup?!??!" Randy the Pornstar says back flailingly. "Are you kidding ME? He does more work in one hour than you do in 2 days! The damn muffin did more work yesterday than you did in 2 days, the damn office ficus (yes we have an office ficus) does more work than you do and its a ******* plant! A trained monkey would have gotten this down by now! A thousand monkeys can write shakespere, a thousand Randalls couldn't even write a Reddit post! Youre ******* useless and im not doing your work anymore!!!!!! Its sink or swim time, and youre a rock at the bottom of the ******* pool." Number 1 retorts. (Do you know how hard it was to frantically jot that down so I could type it here!?!?!) She literally reduced Randy to tears. My god do I love the brutal nature of this girl. She will do just fine here. Im still snickering over the reddit remark.
I was pulled into the bossman's office to discuss the situation. We went through every aspect of Randy the Pornstar's training, and looks like Ive done my job..actually above and beyond the training regimen. In the middle of our discussion, Number 1 busts in to defend me.... even though I had the situation handled. Great... I can hear the whispers now, the rumor mill has gone into overdrive already. Apparently no one defends someone else unless theyre sleeping together here. Ugh... ill look for the HR mail soon I guess. Bossman is now personally looking into Randy the Pornstar's credentials. This does not bode well for Randy... or my dreams of trading Randy the Pornstar for Jenny. Sigh. This is why I cant have nice things.
So I have learned a few things today. Mr Muffin answering the speaker phone is not only hilarious, but counts as productivity (Mr muffin was an indian telemarketer yesterday. I was worried about it being racially insensitive, but my indian co-workers laughed their asses off, and actually said it was a good accent..so I think im fine.). Number 1 is a force not to messed with (although I make no promises..heh.), and Randy may have lied about his resume..and HR didn't do their job in researching it (big ******* surprise.). I have a feeling that my crew may be down a person after today.. ill have to see what tomorrow brings.
Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Graygor
1kB Realty 1kB Galactic
113576
|
Posted - 2014.04.22 17:26:00 -
[93] - Quote
Quote:A trained monkey would have gotten this down by now! A thousand monkeys can write shakespere, a thousand Randalls couldn't even write a Reddit post!
Yes. Just yes. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara
"I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commisar Kate |
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
7671
|
Posted - 2014.04.22 17:49:00 -
[94] - Quote
Awesome..
Randall tryed to mess with Mr Muffin, he's getting off lightly.....LIGHTLY I TELL YOU!!!!
Keep an eye on Number 1, shes a fire cracker. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!! |
Jonah Gravenstein
Machiavellian Space Bastards
18099
|
Posted - 2014.04.23 01:15:00 -
[95] - Quote
Unsuccessful At Everything wrote:I have a feeling that my crew may be down a person after today.. ill have to see what tomorrow brings.
Tomorrow
Never go full Ripard |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
12763
|
Posted - 2014.04.24 19:25:00 -
[96] - Quote
Well its official, Randy the Pornstar is out. Bossman confirmed that Randy the Pornstar lied about his credentials, and that he had been terminated from 3 other jobs because of the same thing. Shame on you Randy, you are supposed to slightly embellish your resume..not blatantly lie. A quick google search could have given you tips to make your meager real skills sound better..although it wouldn't have gotten you this job.
As a side effect of Randy the Pornstar's termination, the HR lady is now under review! Yay! Its her department that is supposed to verify credentials and employment history, run background checks and follow up with references. I wonder who it was who dropped the ball? I bet it was the HR lady's underling Tanya. Tanya looks like a cross between Honey Boo-Boo's mom and Kathy Bates, which makes most men cringe. I bet it was her. She doesn't seem to appreciate her job much, plus she is known to use her..bulk... to win at Doughnut Thunderdome. That's just wrong. Doughnut Thunderdome is a noble gentlemens sport that is played by hooligans.. and she violates the spirit of the game. She once racked up a huge long distance bill calling some guy she met online, only for it to turn out he was one of those scam artists who are after lonely womens money. She still talks about him like hes going to come and marry her someday. WatGäó. Exactly. Anyways, Bossman is on it, and has vowed to fix the HR department. Should prove to be interesting.
Number 1 has been made official as part of Section 2, and we had a little party to celebrate her inclusion into the Impossible Mission Force. Doughnuts were secured for the festivities via a misdirection stunt using a small bullhorn from our floor's emergency kit and a kazoo. Do you know what that sounds like? Neither did anyone else until it happened. No one was sure how to react.. except us who swooped in and grabbed the maple bar and old fashioned glazed in the confusion and bolted. I would not recommend the bullhorn thing again... that was awful. It would have been better to use the siren instead of a kazoo..but we had the kazoo handy, and it was a why-the-hell-not moment. Anyways, a small cake was assembled with spoils of our raid and a leftover birthday candle I had in my desk for some reason. Why is there ALWAYS a birthday candle in a drawer? That cant be just me.. but seriously.. its like every random drawer I have has a damn birthday candle in there somewhere whether it be at home or at work or in my garage or my parent house or the wifes parents house..anywhere. Are there gnomes who do this kind of thing intentionally? Serious WTF moment right? Anyways, doughnut cake was had, and now Number 1 shall be known by her new rightful name, Office Hot Lindy (shes good with the name, I asked). Shes not super attractive, but compared to the rest of the talent in here, shes decent, hence the Office Hot portion of her name. Welcome to the fold Office Hot Lindy, may Section 2 be forever on your good side. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
7682
|
Posted - 2014.04.26 17:40:00 -
[97] - Quote
Pics of Number 1 Required!
I like Bacon. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!! |
Schmata Bastanold
Black Rebel Rifter Club The Devil's Tattoo
1629
|
Posted - 2014.04.28 10:03:00 -
[98] - Quote
Ralph King-Griffin linked that thread in "EVE blogs you follow?" and I am hooked 4 life. I am not my skills but... http://eveboard.com/pilot/Schmata_Bastanold |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
12884
|
Posted - 2014.04.29 00:18:00 -
[99] - Quote
My muffin brings all the boys to the yard. and theyre like "why you taking a muffin and then not eating it??!?!" and im like damn right probably tastes better than yours. I could teach you but id have to... pretty much give up any rights to Mr Muffin..and im not willing to do that.
Mr Muffin is not a new thing, yet there will always be those few who believe that he has no right to exist. Bastards. He is more of a person than most people. Hes many people. He can be almost anyone. Today he was Sean Connery. The sexiest voiced muffin you've ever heard. Yesh. We went through James Bond,and the guy from The Rock (too lazy to google it) and Draco the Dragon. Draco was the best one..only because when the muffins ran out and people wanted to come and take Mr Muffin for their own.. he stoically looked at them and told them I AM THE LASHT ONE!!!!! Some people got it..most didn't. Seriously..you would think that more people would get that one. He hit on the front desk lady today over the phone this morning. It pretty much showed that no matter how old the woman..Sean Connery's voice pretty much does it for all of them. Its so sheductive. Ive used it on the wife a few times. Not the muffin..she hates muffins. Weird right? She likes doughnuts. She used to work at a small doughnut shop..which is why we fell in love..because she gave me a bacon covered maple doughnut... drool. Im sure we were in love before that..but still..bacon even makes love better. I cant eat bacon at the office though... ::sadface::..and we all know why. Yep..Becky Resident Militant Vegan *****. She FREAKS out on people who eat bacon. I don't freak out on her when she eats a carrot. I should. At times I think she fantasizes while eating the carrot...because she bites that thing pretty vigorously. She must daydream of being a rabbit. Only thing I can think of. I bet you thought I was going to say something else right? Yeah...how about no. The vision of her doing that would pretty much ruin it for everyone. Who would want to own a rabbit after that? Speaking of rabbits, Office Hot Lindy has a tattoo of a rabbit. maybe that's why I have rabbits on the brain. I haven't seen it, but she told us about it and wont show us..which pretty much means only one thing....that's its horribly drawn. Nobody would be proud of a horribly drawn rabbit tattoo. Unless maybe if you did it for a bet..but even then...it would have to be a pretty big bet. You know what I bet? I bet that Office Hot Lindy likes Sean Connery's voice.. Ill have to bring her a selection of his movies tomorrow. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Sibyyl
547
|
Posted - 2014.04.29 05:27:00 -
[100] - Quote
I should be working right now, but I'm catching up on this thread instead. And I won't judge myself for it. Take solace knowing that even after the sun sets, and your sky is filled with darkness, that the sun is still shining. -D. Entervention Psychotic Monk joins BNI |
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Mizhir
Euphoria Released Triumvirate.
60832
|
Posted - 2014.04.29 16:36:00 -
[101] - Quote
Sibyyl wrote:I should be working right now, but I'm catching up on this thread instead. And I won't judge myself for it.
I should be cooking dinner for myself, but i'm catching up on this thread instead :) One Man Crew - Collective solo pvp |
Ralph King-Griffin
Var Foundation inc.
1049
|
Posted - 2014.04.29 16:38:00 -
[102] - Quote
Mizhir wrote:Sibyyl wrote:I should be working right now, but I'm catching up on this thread instead. And I won't judge myself for it. I should be cooking dinner for myself, but i'm catching up on this thread instead :) Always cook before opening this thread Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼a«£¦¬¦P¦¬a«£Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼ -á-á-á-á-á-á-á-á-á The Best Quote EVER Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼a«£¦¬¦P¦¬a«£Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼
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Mizhir
Euphoria Released Triumvirate.
60832
|
Posted - 2014.04.29 16:39:00 -
[103] - Quote
Ralph King-Griffin wrote:Mizhir wrote:Sibyyl wrote:I should be working right now, but I'm catching up on this thread instead. And I won't judge myself for it. I should be cooking dinner for myself, but i'm catching up on this thread instead :) Always cook before opening this thread
Yep, I figured that out One Man Crew - Collective solo pvp |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
13054
|
Posted - 2014.05.02 18:26:00 -
[104] - Quote
Well yesterdays Doughnut Thunderdome was rather uneventful. Steve (Alpha Douche)'s spleen was damn near ruptured due to a well placed elbow jab, but that was about it. ::sadface:: I really expected more from people. Whats the reason for 1 box of doughnuts for this many people if not to inspire gladiatorial style fighting? Sigh. Theres always next week.
We got a rare treat this morning. No, not pie, although there IS a pie..WTF is a boysenberry? Im sure its wonderful..meh. Give me apple dammit! Anyways, we got to skip out on the wonderous event known as relaxation and teambuilding (by wonderous I mean its a wonder we don't all jump out the window..as a team of course.) and instead got to listen tot he droning of the Company Vice President! yay. Picture Ben Stein mixed with the teacher from Charlie Brown...under full Tidi. Braincells... dying.... must..stay.. awake... must not... snore... too loudly... eyes..rolling back...feels like..brain aneurysm.. take me.. death. Anyways, the guy is a laugh a minute...in an alternate universe. He always leaves us with little gems that tend to halt all productivity for days as we all try to wrap our minds around it. This time, it was in regards to some critical numbers thing that im not involved with, although Im not really sure, I was trying to not gray out and go towards the light.
He leaves us with "Im not blaming anyone, but this is your fault."
WatGäó? But.. that.. makes.. no... sense.. how.. what.. huh? The guy was perfectly serious. If hes not blaming anyone.. how is it our fault? My brain hurts. Cant cope... must... not... Productivity ceasing... must understand... wha... um.. huh..
If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.
Thank you Lewis Black. Yes, this is identical. Blood IS about to shoot out of my nose.
I guess in the mind of an executive, this statement may make sense. Executives are a rare breed of human whos minds straddle the line between reality and some other dimension where fantasy is reality. They don't live completely in reality, that is for certain. But I don't think that brain physics allows these statements. A supercomputer would grind to a freaking halt if I typed that in..im sure of it. Does not compute... ERROR.. ERROR... bzzzzzpzht ::sparks:: ::smoke:: BOOM, large crater. I guess that's assuming a nuclear powered supercomputer. Do they have those? Maybe not, probably for this very reason. But I assure you, If they did make one... it would be the decision of an executive.. that is for sure. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
7753
|
Posted - 2014.05.02 18:31:00 -
[105] - Quote
Still waiting on those pics of Number 1.
I like Lego. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!! |
Jonah Gravenstein
Machiavellian Space Bastards
18180
|
Posted - 2014.05.03 19:10:00 -
[106] - Quote
Tollen Gallen wrote:Still waiting on those pics of Number 1.
I like Lego. Seconded, on the Lego too.
Never go full Ripard |
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
7758
|
Posted - 2014.05.03 19:18:00 -
[107] - Quote
I brought another lil pack the other day, now i have a Rescue Chopper, aswell as a fire engine.
Oh and UAE... pics of the wifey
I like Milk. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!! |
Graygor
1kB Realty 1kB Galactic
114683
|
Posted - 2014.05.05 18:06:00 -
[108] - Quote
This cannot go onto the second page!
I like the office diaries. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara
"I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commisar Kate |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
13184
|
Posted - 2014.05.05 19:02:00 -
[109] - Quote
What kind of cruel joke is this? These are called "Black Forest Muffins". That is a damn cupcake good sir. You cannot make a muffin out of a cupcake. How am I to work with this!?!?!?? Said the crazy bald guy who may be me.. but probably was. It took a while... but I think I got it figured out. I just went with Forest Gump voice. Partly because Jenny is within voice range.. and because my Samuel L Jackson / Forest Gump combo voice didn't exactly work out as planned... and now Section 2 thinks im slightly crazy. I really did try to make it work.. but gave up after about an hour of random "mother******* lieutenant Dan" and "Get these mother******** shrimp off this mother******* boat". It just doesn't work. Looks good on paper...**** in reality. So Forest Muffin has talked about his Jennay quite a bit on the phone... to Jenny.. who has him on speaker phone to annoy Rhonda the Hutt. I did grab an ice cream bar from the break room fridge to use as a prop, and Forest Muffin has been offering it to people. Steve (Alpha Douche) grabbed it from him and ate it.. ruining the moment. I guess the good thing about it is that they were Rhonda the Hutt's ice cream bars... and she saw Steve (Alpha Douche) eating it... so that kind of kicked off some fun for about 30 mins. God I love it when those two go at it. Phrasing... bad mental picture.... ewwwwwwww. It would look like a lizard riding a watermelon. It is quite hilarious to listen to. Rhonda the Hutt almost always turns in a HR complaint on him..which usually gets thrown out because its Rhonda the Hutt. She is one of the serial abusers of the HR complaint forms. I once said Hi to her in a supermarket... and got a complaint at the office for outside of workplace harassment. Not Kidding. It was because I was acting like that Leonardo DiCaprio character from Gilbert Grape I bet. Did I call her Gilbert? I don't remember calling her that... hmmm... things to ponder. I remember buying feminine products.... and making some rather risqu+¬ jokes in the checkout line... but she wasn't there... hmmm. That doesn't explain Rhonda the Hutt's complaint... but it DOES explain why that register lady looks disgusted with me when I go in there. Oh I remember! I bought spaghetti sauce at the same time and made some joke about testing the feminine products out under extreme circumstances! I have no shame when it comes to the feminine product isle. Im the guy who helps out all the other clueless guys when theyre stuck frozen in awe at the shear amount of things in that isle. Ok Buddy... what brand did she say.. because that's important. Ok.. girlfriend or wife? Short term girlfriend? Get the multi-pack.. cover ALL the situations. Wife? You better get that **** right... or you are NEVER going to hear the end of it... for at least a week. There literally less rules pertaining to Crimewatch than there are in Feminine products. True story. Anyways, Its about time for Forest Muffin to talk about the Vietnam War... im not sure how its gonna come out, but whatever he says, that's all hes gonna say about that. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Graygor
1kB Realty 1kB Galactic
114684
|
Posted - 2014.05.05 19:15:00 -
[110] - Quote
He need a mini medal of honour. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara
"I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commisar Kate |
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Ralph King-Griffin
Var Foundation inc.
1227
|
Posted - 2014.05.05 19:16:00 -
[111] - Quote
Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Im the guy who helps out all the other clueless guys when theyre stuck frozen in awe at the shear amount of things in that isle. Ok Buddy... what brand did she say.. because that's important. Ok.. girlfriend or wife? Short term girlfriend? Get the multi-pack.. cover ALL the situations. Wife? You better get that **** right... or you are NEVER going to hear the end of it... for at least a week. There literally less rules pertaining to Crimewatch than there are in Feminine products.
You Sir are a Hero. 07 Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼a«£¦¬¦P¦¬a«£Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼ -á-á-á-á-á-á-á Soylent Green Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼a«£¦¬¦P¦¬a«£Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼
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Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
7766
|
Posted - 2014.05.05 20:42:00 -
[112] - Quote
"I got shot in the bottocks"
I like Forest Gump. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!! |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
13239
|
Posted - 2014.05.06 18:41:00 -
[113] - Quote
First off, id love to give a shout out to this thread for providing me todays entertainment. Everything that follows is its fault.
Well, Im just going to call this day a total loss.... of productivity. I really need to stop reading things out loud. This morning started off great, with lots of work getting done. At what I can only describe as both the worst moment AND the best moment possible, I read that firefighter / adult movie / pubic bludgeoning thread out loud. Office Hot Lindy was on speaker phone with Section 5 going over some collaborative report thing she has going on... and my voice carries.. so naturally ever word I said was piped clear across the office. Also, somewhat due to the voice carrying, I have assaulted Rhonda the Hutt's earballs with inappropriate content. Yep..thats gonna cost me. Jenny, Rhonda the Hutt's henchmen, and my double agent, has one of those mildly irritating laughs. Its only mildly irritating to me.. massively irritating to Rhonda the Hutt. Jenny is breathless from laughing, which makes her laugh even worse..which irritates Rhonda the Hutt even more. Yep... ill definitely be paying for this. Section 5 is taking it well. Im being called by them asking for the Reddit link... I don't have the heart to tell them that its on a fictional space submarine forum. I copy/pasted it and emailed it to them in hopes of appeasing them.
Just as we decided to get back to work.. up pops a description of the "victim" / Actress... Which naturally I decide sounds too great not to read out loud.. in my Herbert voice (from family guy.. look it up). My minions were proof reading a report we had just printed out... insert both best / worst possible moment situation again... BOOM... Coffee-splosions take out the colorful inkjet printed charts. The report must now be reprinted.. the shirts must now be changed.. and the coffee must be refilled. Thank god its lunchtime, and I have extra shirts in the car that I can lend to people.
... and now lunch is ruined.. not by that thread.. by Steve (Alpha Douche). Steve (Alpha Douche) apparently brought some kind of indian food for lunch... and microwaved it.. for far too too long. The break room is filled with what can only be described as mustard gas.. evacuations were commenced... now we all reek of whatever the hell that was. I have no more shirts.. and my emergency bodyspray isn't putting a dent in this. I may need a lemon juice bath tonight... seriously. I remember when I got hell for bringing in some homemade Chicken Tika Masala.. and I didn't even reheat it! (it was awesome cold.) This is soo much worse. Oh god.. its all over the office now.. you know its in the airducts.. Damn you Steve (Alpha Douche)! Ugh.. I can taste the smell... ugh. I may have to dig through my drawer and see if I have any menthol ointment to put in my nose. Why would I have that? Well, if I had a random birthday candle.. im sure ive got some of that. Help me office cubicle junk drawer.. youre my only hope.
Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Doc Fury
Furious Enterprises
5413
|
Posted - 2014.05.06 18:49:00 -
[114] - Quote
Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: ... and now lunch is ruined.. not by that thread.. by Steve (Alpha Douche). Steve (Alpha Douche) apparently brought some kind of indian food for lunch... and microwaved it.. for far too too long. The break room is filled with what can only be described as mustard gas.. evacuations were commenced... now we all reek of whatever the hell that was. I have no more shirts.. and my emergency bodyspray isn't putting a dent in this. I may need a lemon juice bath tonight... seriously. I remember when I got hell for bringing in some homemade Chicken Tika Masala.. and I didn't even reheat it! (it was awesome cold.) This is soo much worse. Oh god.. its all over the office now.. you know its in the airducts.. Damn you Steve (Alpha Douche)! Ugh.. I can taste the smell... ugh. I may have to dig through my drawer and see if I have any menthol ointment to put in my nose. Why would I have that? Well, if I had a random birthday candle.. im sure ive got some of that. Help me office cubicle junk drawer.. youre my only hope.
At least your exposure time is limited.
The same (or very similar) smell is prevalent on the (17 hour) flights from Kuala Lumpur to San Francisco. They have tried many times but can't seem to get the stink out. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the ho's and politicians will look up and shout 'Save us!' and I'll look down, and whisper 'Hodor'. |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
13444
|
Posted - 2014.05.12 19:52:00 -
[115] - Quote
Day 5 of my 3 office tour...
Did I forget to mention that I was leaving on a trip to see 3 other offices? Yeah.. probably should have mentioned that. Oh well. Its almost over. I fly back in an hour.
******* hotel didn't have muffins this morning.. I had to go to a store and BUY a muffin.. just to Skype section 2. This little bakery had mufffins in tin foil... so of course.. I had to go with Muffin Commander, Leader of M.U.F.F.I.N., a worldwide something something ill conceived something. I didn't really think the acronym through, I just wanted to talk like Cobra Commander and tell people to "Work harder you fools!!". I concluded the 30 minute long Skype session with him running for an escape pod (made of foil... with M.U.F.F.I.N. written on the side and crudely drawn muffin stencil) and him flying out the window in retreat. Yeah... so... theres now a muffin in the pool of the hotel.... in a crashed escape pod. Im sure they'll blame it on kids. No grown man would ever do something like that.. right? Probably not. Anyway.. my voice is a little hoarse from talking like that. The things I do for comedy.
It turns out that the three other offices don't have a designated asshat to make life interesting. I talked with my counterparts, and gave them some great ideas to stir the pot. I gave people some nicknames, which should stick for a bit. 2 of the offices are going to have Muffin Monday and Pie-Day now.. which should add to the office content. I witnessed a Doughnut Thunderdome , if you can call it that. It was more like a group of slow zombies descending on a fallen Boyscout. No bullhorns, no elbows, just the horde. Can you believe that people would actually SHARE doughnuts?!??!! HERESY! Doughnuts are not meant to be halved! What is this?!?!?!?! 40 people enter, 12 people leave with doughnuts..THIS IS THE RULE. Ugh. You civilized bastards.. I cant wait to get back and deal with the anarchy of my office.. at least there is life.. chaotic life. There is no fun here.. no smiles... no enjoyment. Half these people hate their job..the other half are so apathetic that they just show up and stare blankly until end of day. No individuals..no smiles... just a herd of zombie cattle. I can only hope that it changes for them, and that ive inspired at least a few to create content... I hope they keep me in the loop as to their exploits.
Ugh.. I hate airports.. Its time to seek coffee... Must have coffee... I needs it... I hate falling asleep on planes... I have the most ****** up dreams when I sleep on planes. Although.. if Im awake.. people almost ALWAYS insist on talking to me... Ugh.. damned if you do..damned if you don't. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
7864
|
Posted - 2014.05.12 20:10:00 -
[116] - Quote
I missed this thread........ no updates make for sad Toll
I like UAE. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!! |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
13528
|
Posted - 2014.05.14 17:02:00 -
[117] - Quote
Ah... its good to be back. How I missed the ambient noise in my kingdom. The subtle whine of the ever-dying case fan of my computer (HURRY UP AND DIE ALREADY!!!!!!), the everpresent ringing of my phone.. set to the most obnoxious ring imaginable and on the loudest volume (because it irritates Rhonda the Hutt so much..), Steve (Alpha Douche)'s constant swearing off in the distance.. how ive missed it all.
Wait... something is different... the ass grove of my chair.... its different... who... hmm... It looks like my chair... wait a ******* second... the black duct tape on the armrest is newer... (yes..I have to duct tape the armrest of my chair because my request for a new chair has been in process for like 2 years..) Someone has swapped my chair! The recliner is broken on this one! WTF!?!??! Oh... someone went through an awful lot of trouble to mock this one up so I wouldn't notice... But who? Who has the audacity to pull this off? Who has the talent to forge this fake? Section 2's chairs are clean... and they all claim to not know who did it. Good thing I trust them.. Id hate to torture them for info. The hunt now begins for the culprit. This will be difficult.. because all the chairs look the same here... it might be time to go full Liam Neeson on this place.
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you were looking for a better chair, all I had was this slightly less broken one, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career of asshattery. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you bring my chair back now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you and I will make what I did to the IT guy look like childs play.
Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Random McNally
Rifterlings Point Blank Alliance
61252
|
Posted - 2014.05.15 14:07:00 -
[118] - Quote
Unsuccessful At Everything wrote:Ah... its good to be back. How I missed the ambient noise in my kingdom. The subtle whine of the ever-dying case fan of my computer (HURRY UP AND DIE ALREADY!!!!!!), the everpresent ringing of my phone.. set to the most obnoxious ring imaginable and on the loudest volume (because it irritates Rhonda the Hutt so much..), Steve (Alpha Douche)'s constant swearing off in the distance.. how ive missed it all.
Wait... something is different... the ass grove of my chair.... its different... who... hmm... It looks like my chair... wait a ******* second... the black duct tape on the armrest is newer... (yes..I have to duct tape the armrest of my chair because my request for a new chair has been in process for like 2 years..) Someone has swapped my chair! The recliner is broken on this one! WTF!?!??! Oh... someone went through an awful lot of trouble to mock this one up so I wouldn't notice... But who? Who has the audacity to pull this off? Who has the talent to forge this fake? Section 2's chairs are clean... and they all claim to not know who did it. Good thing I trust them.. Id hate to torture them for info. The hunt now begins for the culprit. This will be difficult.. because all the chairs look the same here... it might be time to go full Liam Neeson on this place.
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you were looking for a better chair, all I had was this slightly less broken one, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career of asshattery. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you bring my chair back now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you and I will make what I did to the IT guy look like childs play.
I DID IT!! I TOOK THE CHAIR!!
Ok, actually I didn't but please, PLEASE, whatever you do....do not delve deeply into the mysteries of the missing chair. Do not unleash your full wrath upon whomever took it and regale us with this tale of torture and humiliation....
*sits back with popcorn*
Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
13615
|
Posted - 2014.05.16 20:56:00 -
[119] - Quote
The VP ruined Doughnut Thunderdome yesterday. He showed up during the mad scramble.. and the masses parted like the Red Sea. He sauntered over to the box of doughnuts.. and took the coveted maple bar. That one action took the fight out of everyone. The gold medal was gone... no sense in fighting for the silver. This is why we cant have nice things when management is around. Yes, Doughnut Thunderdome is a nice thing. I encourage you to try it at your place of employment.
The search for my chair has so far come up empty. Ive gone through all 5 sections to no avail. Ive interrogated the snitches and have come up with nothing. This is indeed a disturbing universe. It was hard playing good cop AND bad copGǪ. but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do, and in this case... I went full Smeagol on their ass. Voice and all. Its surprisingly effective. Still, nothing. Someone will slip up somedayGǪ and when that happensGǪ yeah.
I have one option nowGǪ to pass off this chair as someone elses and steal theirsGǪ but whos? Ideally I would go for one of managements chairs.. but theyre different. IT guys chair is different too.. plus that one would be awkward. Dragging a chair downstairs without anyone noticing.. yep.. not suspicious at all. I can think of one target.. The HR lady! I will have to sanitize it firstGǪ but yesGǪ that will do nicely. How to do it without anyone in her office noticingGǪ I will have to confer with the IM force on this..
50 feet. The approximate distance from the Section 2 entryway to the HR office.. (at this point, visualize some kind of CGI 3d wireframe model of an office, all spinny and hollywoody.. like Mission:Impossible meets OceanGÇÖs Eleven..with H. Jon BenjaminGÇÖs voiceover). There are 3 entryways to other sections that I will have to pass. The chair back is slightly lower than the cubicle walls.. so as long as no one stands up, the chair will remain unseen until those entryways. This chair has a squeaky wheel.. so that may draw attention to it as we pass. We will need a coordinated diversion that makes people remain seated and paying attention to their computers that are conveniently placed so that people face away from the entryway (so management can sneak up on you.. I figured that out pretty early in my career). Perhaps some kind of mass email with an autoplaying video with sound level locked on full. Itll have to be sent by someone else.. no one opens my mail anymore. (seriously.. you rename a few slightly obnoxious videos to look like official documents.. and suddenly everyone thinks itGÇÖs a trap.. eyeroll.. I know right..) I may need to recruit someone with slightly better office standings to send the mail. The list of trustworthy candidates is short. The next obstacle will be getting the entire HR dept to leave their office at the same timeGǪ hmm.. this will be tougher.. yes.. much tougher. Perhaps some kind of elaborate argument rouse happening away from the office.. no.. that would only get one out.. we need three to leave. Fire alarm would be too drastic.. Maybe I can coordinate all of this while HR is in a meeting.. OK, now we need to hack into the HR schedule and find out when their next review meeting is. It should be an easy matter to bypass their security through means of a reduction algorithm that can beGǪ who am I kidding.. Ill just ask them. I donGÇÖt know how to hack. You know.. Im just overthinking this whole thing. Ill just come in early and swap them out before anyone else gets here. Why didnGÇÖt I think of that earlier? I hate it when my brain wants to get all elaborate and diabolical for like no reason.
Anyways.. im going to go do the finger pyramid of evil contemplation and eat some pie. Its top crusted apple today.. and I have saved a piece to eat at the end of the day. Its time to creep people out before work ends.
Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Ralph King-Griffin
Var Foundation inc.
1482
|
Posted - 2014.05.16 21:20:00 -
[120] - Quote
http://youtu.be/km40jvV5lhM |
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