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Constantly Outraged Sebiestor
Gutter Press
120
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Posted - 2015.09.06 12:52:36 -
[1] - Quote
News reaches Gutter Press, of a daring prison break by several members of the Angel Cartel, from a medium security prison in Edmalbrurdus, the escapees fleeing whilst disguised as goats.
The medium security prison on one of the temperate planets, is operated by the RSS, for low risk prisoners serving long sentences, which included several hundred low ranking members of the Angel Cartel.
The prison break was conducted by several of these Cartel members, in a scheme involving infomorphic transmission of consciousness, into specially engineered goat bodies.
A veterinary services vehicle had attended the prison, following reports of an illness amongst some of the goats on the prison farm, the goats normally providing therapeutic behaviour management for long-term prisoners.
The vehicle was in fact cover for the breakout, containing a modified transneural burning scanner, and several clone tubes containing the modified goat bodies, engineered to have sufficient cranial capacity to house a human mind.
After transferring their minds, the escapees were taken away from the prison inside a different veterinary services van, the prison guards being told that the goats were sick and required specialised treatment.
Roll call revealed that half a dozen prisoners were not in their cells, and their bodies were discovered inside the vehicle with the cloning equipment.
The escaped prisoners were all low ranking Cartel members, and it is currently unknown why the Cartel would have staged such an expensive breakout for them.
Security of other prisons is being reviewed as a result of the escape, and many prisons face having their farm animals removed.
We asked several Edmalbrurdus residents for their opinions:
"Well, what can you expect from the Cartel? I mean, one of their logos is a stylised animal face", said one Sebiestor exotic dancer. "I never trusted goats. Shifty looking creatures. Now sheep, sure, they can be trusted. But goats ? not even once!", said a Sebiestor wool farmer. "Well, that's weird. What will they think of next ?", asked a Sebiestor consumer electronics designer.
Gutter Press. News. |
Rook Moray
Aliastra Gallente Federation
18
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Posted - 2015.09.06 14:02:36 -
[2] - Quote
I gotta think I might have preferred staying in stir.
Good on them for the creativity.
GÇ£When you want to know how things really work, study them when they're coming apart.GÇ¥
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Che Biko
Alexylva Paradox
794
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Posted - 2015.09.06 14:33:13 -
[3] - Quote
Hmm. Synchronicity. One of our own goats returned recently.
Coordination Channel for Consolidated Space Rescue Cooperation
Open Letter to the Aidonis Foundation Directorate
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Mizhir
Matari Exodus The Camel Empire
74586
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Posted - 2015.09.06 15:14:53 -
[4] - Quote
All that hassle for just low ranked members. The Cartel surprises me sometimes.
One Man Crew - Collective Solo PVP - Video is out!
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Arrendis
GoonWaffe Goonswarm Federation
1408
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Posted - 2015.09.06 16:06:26 -
[5] - Quote
This is clearly part of the cover-up of reports of cannibalism and deviant behavior by the Gallente psychologist who was appointed warden at that facility. Therapeutic goats? Why not come out and admit they've been training the prisoners to self-identify, and even engage in carnal relations with these goats?
And once you have prisoners unable to tell humans from goats, is it any surprise they they kill and eat one another while shagging their goats?
Disgusting, I tell you. My only surprise is the goats weren't drone-goats. |
Elmund Egivand
Federal Defense Union Gallente Federation
672
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Posted - 2015.09.06 19:23:16 -
[6] - Quote
Arrendis wrote:This is clearly part of the cover-up of reports of cannibalism and deviant behavior by the Gallente psychologist who was appointed warden at that facility. Therapeutic goats? Why not come out and admit they've been training the prisoners to self-identify, and even engage in carnal relations with these goats?
And once you have prisoners unable to tell humans from goats, is it any surprise they they kill and eat one another while shagging their goats?
Disgusting, I tell you. My only surprise is the goats weren't drone-goats.
I think they probably...just stare at the goat.
Evergreen ~ Evergreen ~ Evergreen ~ EVERGREEN ~ Evergreen ~ Evergreen ~Evergreen ~ Family
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Takumi Kaito
School of Applied Knowledge Caldari State
0
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Posted - 2015.09.06 21:13:33 -
[7] - Quote
It is my recommendation that in response to this incident and the technology it brings to light, that Caldari Customs institute a policy of transneural scanning of all live animals crossing into the state so as to prevent covert entry by enemies of the State.
Transmission of proper forms to follow, pending standard review by the School of Applied Knowledge. |
Corraidhin Farsaidh
Farsaidh's Freeborn
1654
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Posted - 2015.09.06 21:45:23 -
[8] - Quote
Constantly Outraged Sebiestor wrote:...the escapees fleeing whilst disguised as goats.
....
Seriously? Who are you trying to kid... |
James Syagrius
Reclamation Technologies
1102
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Posted - 2015.09.06 22:05:07 -
[9] - Quote
Well....
I think the less said about this the better.
GÇ£Here also are the heralds of his praise."
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Rook Moray
Aliastra Gallente Federation
19
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Posted - 2015.09.07 00:01:34 -
[10] - Quote
Corraidhin Farsaidh wrote:Constantly Outraged Sebiestor wrote:...the escapees fleeing whilst disguised as goats.
.... Seriously? Who are you trying to kid...
Looks like they goat away.
GÇ£When you want to know how things really work, study them when they're coming apart.GÇ¥
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Jade Blackwind
Alexylva Paradox Low-Class
624
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Posted - 2015.09.07 09:33:13 -
[11] - Quote
Goats.
That expains alot.
...Gutter Press aside. If it were possible to squeeze a human neural matrix into an animal brain with a working result, it would probably be hilarious to see the side effects.
"Ignore him, the poor bastard spent three years as a goat"
hehe |
Ria Nieyli
Nieyli Enterprises
34276
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Posted - 2015.09.07 10:09:10 -
[12] - Quote
Following these news, I intend to immediately depart for the Great Wildlands, where I will spend the rest of my life as a goat.
Why do bad threads happen to good people?
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Lan Wang
V I R I I Ineluctable.
1457
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Posted - 2015.09.07 10:15:19 -
[13] - Quote
Mizhir wrote:All that hassle for just low ranked members. The Cartel surprises me sometimes.
There is no "members", only family
EVEALON Creative - Logo Design & Branding | Digital Design
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Corraidhin Farsaidh
Farsaidh's Freeborn
1658
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Posted - 2015.09.07 10:37:02 -
[14] - Quote
Jade Blackwind wrote:Goats.
That expains alot.
...Gutter Press aside. If it were possible to squeeze a human neural matrix into an animal brain with a working result, just imagine the side effects.
"Ignore him, the poor bastard spent three years as a goat"
hehe
You could take a year out as a chimpanzee for tax reasons. |
Praezius Vheruk
Gozantii Industries
556
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Posted - 2015.09.07 11:16:18 -
[15] - Quote
I's say; ne'er 'gin'll I loo' 't 'dat ol' cow 'de sa'e.....
Mebbe 's a member o'de Cartel.... |
Corraidhin Farsaidh
Farsaidh's Freeborn
1658
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Posted - 2015.09.07 12:16:31 -
[16] - Quote
At least dyslexic capsuleers can now genuinely become demi-dogs...
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Elmund Egivand
Federal Defense Union Gallente Federation
672
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Posted - 2015.09.07 12:27:37 -
[17] - Quote
Jade Blackwind wrote:Goats.
That expains alot.
...Gutter Press aside. If it were possible to squeeze a human neural matrix into an animal brain with a working result, just imagine the side effects.
"Ignore him, the poor bastard spent three years as a goat"
hehe
I can imagine just how this will revolutionise the prison system. We mind-jump criminals into the bodies of cattle and force them to do what cattle do throughout the length of their sentencing. Even if they refuse to graze, their biology will force them into grazing and farting methane.
Evergreen ~ Evergreen ~ Evergreen ~ EVERGREEN ~ Evergreen ~ Evergreen ~Evergreen ~ Family
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Corraidhin Farsaidh
Farsaidh's Freeborn
1658
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Posted - 2015.09.07 12:39:54 -
[18] - Quote
Elmund Egivand wrote:Jade Blackwind wrote:Goats.
That expains alot.
...Gutter Press aside. If it were possible to squeeze a human neural matrix into an animal brain with a working result, just imagine the side effects.
"Ignore him, the poor bastard spent three years as a goat"
hehe I can imagine just how this will revolutionise the prison system. We mind-jump criminals into the bodies of cattle and force them to do what cattle do throughout the length of their sentencing. Even if they refuse to graze, their biology will force them into grazing and farting methane.
'I hereby sentence you to 10 years hard biofuel production...' |
Doctor Valate
Delve Medical Services
49
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Posted - 2015.09.07 17:59:42 -
[19] - Quote
Jade Blackwind wrote: ...Gutter Press aside. If it were possible to squeeze a human neural matrix into an animal brain with a working result, just imagine the side effects.
Well, to be fair, it might not be a goat as we know it.
It may be a goat-shaped human construct.
You see, capsuleer clones are of largely arbitrary shape, with the skeleton being mostly made from osteoplastics.
Thus, I suppose it might be possible to construct a goat-shaped clone, that would be capable of housing a human mind.
Of course, the sensory and motor nerve patterns would be all over the place, because humans have two eyes that point forward, goats have eyes that point in opposite directions, and the vastly different methods of locomotion, as the two most obvious examples. I'm not sure if the poor things would be able to walk.
But, as a temporary measure, to smuggle a mind out of somewhere, I guess it could work.
Though, if they had a transneural scanner, why not just clone the escapees into human bodies several light years away, via a quantum entanglement link, as the capsule does ?
Quite baffling.
Doctor Valerie Valate. Not to be confused with the other Valerie Valate.
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Tyrel Toov
Minmatar Confederate Ushra'Khan
613
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Posted - 2015.09.08 00:32:40 -
[20] - Quote
Doctor Valate wrote: Though, if they had a transneural scanner, why not just clone the escapees into human bodies several light years away, via a quantum entanglement link, as the capsule does ?
Quite baffling.
This makes for better reading....
I want to paint my ship Periwinkle.
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Diana Kim
State Protectorate Caldari State
1992
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Posted - 2015.09.08 03:08:19 -
[21] - Quote
As logically and philosophically consciousness transfer terminates continuity of consciousness and creates copies of that, such action shouldn't be considered as a prison break, but rather murder of convicts with theft and smuggling of criminal minds.
Honored are the dead, for their legacy guides us.
In memory of Tibus Heth, Caldari State Executor YC110-115, Hero and Patriot.
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Jade Blackwind
Alexylva Paradox Low-Class
626
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Posted - 2015.09.08 13:54:35 -
[22] - Quote
Doctor Valate wrote:Well, to be fair, it might not be a goat as we know it.
It may be a goat-shaped human construct.
You see, capsuleer clones are of largely arbitrary shape, with the skeleton being mostly made from osteoplastics.
Thus, I suppose it might be possible to construct a goat-shaped clone, that would be capable of housing a human mind. Meh. It won't be a real goat. It won't even look like a real goat, because of the hugely oversized cranium. Average human brain weights about 1300 grams, goat brain about 115, with proportional increase in required cranial capacity. That thing would be rather hard to disguise as a proper goat.
Though, if we place the "real" brain in the abdominal area of this bioconstruct, it might achieve greater goatness. Don't ask how the poor guy would feel in the belly of a fake goat though. |
Tyrel Toov
Minmatar Confederate Ushra'Khan
613
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Posted - 2015.09.08 19:36:48 -
[23] - Quote
Jade Blackwind wrote:Doctor Valate wrote:Well, to be fair, it might not be a goat as we know it.
It may be a goat-shaped human construct.
You see, capsuleer clones are of largely arbitrary shape, with the skeleton being mostly made from osteoplastics.
Thus, I suppose it might be possible to construct a goat-shaped clone, that would be capable of housing a human mind. Meh. It won't be a real goat. It won't even look like a real goat, because of the hugely oversized cranium. Average human brain weights about 1300 grams, goat brain about 115, with proportional increase in required cranial capacity. That thing would be rather hard to disguise as a proper goat. Though, if we place the "real" brain in the abdominal area of this bioconstruct, it might achieve greater goatness. Don't ask how the poor guy would feel in the belly of a fake goat though. Doesn't matter, really. The only time they appear human is when you have a knife at their throats. The instant you remove it, they fall back into animality. Obscenity.
I want to paint my ship Periwinkle.
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Arrendis
GoonWaffe Goonswarm Federation
1415
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Posted - 2015.09.08 19:40:11 -
[24] - Quote
Tyrel Toov wrote:The only time they appear human is when you have a knife at their throats. The instant you remove it, they fall back into animality. Obscenity.
Sounds like the rest of humanity to me. |
Tyrel Toov
Minmatar Confederate Ushra'Khan
613
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Posted - 2015.09.08 21:08:23 -
[25] - Quote
Arrendis wrote:Tyrel Toov wrote:The only time they appear human is when you have a knife at their throats. The instant you remove it, they fall back into animality. Obscenity. Sounds like the rest of humanity to me. Some more than others.
I want to paint my ship Periwinkle.
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Kalaratiri
Pyre Falcon Defence and Security Multicultural F1 Brigade
735
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Posted - 2015.09.09 09:46:43 -
[26] - Quote
Everyone knows we in the Cartel are baaaaa'd people.
She's mad but she's magic, there's no lie in her fire.
This is possibly one of the worst threads in the history of these forums. -á- CCP Falcon
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Elmund Egivand
Federal Defense Union Gallente Federation
683
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Posted - 2015.09.09 09:51:56 -
[27] - Quote
Kalaratiri wrote:Everyone knows we in the Cartel are baaaaa'd people.
The true face of the Cartel is that of a Goat.
Evergreen ~ Evergreen ~ Evergreen ~ EVERGREEN ~ Evergreen ~ Evergreen ~Evergreen ~ Family
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Lan Wang
V I R I I Ineluctable.
1478
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Posted - 2015.09.09 09:53:26 -
[28] - Quote
Elmund Egivand wrote:Kalaratiri wrote:Everyone knows we in the Cartel are baaaaa'd people. The true face of the Cartel is that of a Goat.
never underestimate the power of a goat
EVEALON Creative - Logo Design & Branding | Digital Design
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Jade Blackwind
Alexylva Paradox Low-Class
628
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Posted - 2015.09.09 10:09:29 -
[29] - Quote
People are always quick to make the Cartel a scapegoat. |
Praezius Vheruk
Gozantii Industries
638
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Posted - 2015.09.09 11:23:10 -
[30] - Quote
As one 'as bee' 'dere, were 'dey 'ones'ly low men, 're were 'dey ma'e tae loo' li'e low men? Iffin 'dey loo't 'de part, 'den 'deir work were done, an't 'de facil'ty weren' pr'par't fer 'avin' 'dem boys 'dere'n'de'firs' place. Me ques'ion, naow, is wot 'dey too' wi'dem 'dat's vital tae 'de facil'ty? |
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