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Valerie Valate
Church of The Crimson Saviour Sani-Sabik
1168
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Posted - 2016.01.06 21:23:31 -
[1] - Quote
In the beginning, the Minmatar arrived on the planet Matar. Though it wasn't called Matar at the time. The Minmatar called it Matar, well, not at first, that came much later. Anyway. Whatever it was called, the people that were later called Minmatar, lived upon the planet.
And due to the relatively mild climate of the planet, the Minmatar multiplied rapidly, on account of one of their favourite hobbies being reproduction. Other favourite hobbies of the Minmatar include rolling in the mud, whittling sticks, doodling, and banging a loud drum very loudly. The Minmatar religion began as a collection of beliefs in the spirits of mudholes, trees, doodlesticks, and music, and was all very eclectic and diverse. Particularly credulous people, that believed in as many of these spirits as they could, were called Elders, since most of them were very old, and were looked up to for inspiration and advice.
Time passed, and eventually the people of the planet realised they were all people, and that they lived on a planet, and so they called themselves "Minmatar", and called the planet "Matar", and the star that the planet orbited "Pator". These names have some form of importance to the Minmatar, but that's not important right now.
What is important, is that due to the then existing Minmatar Space Program, which consisted of launching spacecraft made by gluing whittled sticks together with special mud, a method which allowed them to colonise several planets in both the Pator System and elsewhere, anyway, this space program had the inevitable consequence of space travel, which is coherent radio signals. And as everyone knows, coherent radio signals can be detected by other space-faring civilisations.
Which they were. And that's when the Amarr arrived, in golden spaceships made of metal and doodled with Scripture, which took the Minmatar completely by surprise, as their religion was mostly handed down orally. No, not that kind. By Words and Memory. As the Minmatar were a very vocal community. That is to say, loud and obstreperous.
Being unable to resist in space, with their mudstick spaceships, the Minmatar were quickly defeated in space, and the Amarr began enslaving them on the ground. Many brave Minmatar warriors attempted to resist, by using their whittled sticks as spear, and rolling in the mud to camouflage themselves, but it was mostly in vain, and the Minmatar were conquered. The Minmatar priests kept the religion of mudrolling, stickwhittling, doodling and drumming alive, through whispering to each other, when nobody was listening. This allowed the Minmatar culture to be preserved for the duration.
Time passed, and some interfering busybodies appeared, wearing outlandish garb and full of strange ideas. These were the Gallente, and after communicating their most significant cultural export (Luminaire Lice, a 'socially' transmitted parasite) to the Minmatar people, they filled the Minmatar's heads with ideas of all sorts of things, which the Minmatar had never heard of, but which the Gallente considered rather good, such as dividing into groups and arguing about things and comparing which group was larger, as the largest group of arguing persons had clearly "won", by virtue of being larger. This baffling concept was called "democracy", and to the enslaved Minmatar, it seemed somewhat better than the state they were in at the time.
And so there was the Minmatar "Rebellion", in which Minmatar people, supplied with high-tech whittled sticks by the Gallente, drove out the occupying Amarr, and claimed a whole lot of star systems that they didn't inhabit previously. The Amarr Emperor of the time, was greatly amused and said, "Let us see if they can hold together these worlds, with their sticks", to which some of the Amarr nobles chortled, and others frowned.
And so, the Minmatar Republic was formed, and the Minmatar attempted to govern these worlds they found themselves in possession of, according to pseudo-Gallente methods of government, instead of the traditional method of drum circling. It didn't go well, more on this later.
Meanwhile, a great cultural revival occurred, where the arts of doodling on yourself with magic ink was rediscovered, and was used by the Minmatar to determine which Minmatar was destined for greatness, and which were not, the secrets of magic doodling having been suppressed during the Occupation. The Minmatar whose magic doodles said they were destined for greatness were very pleased, the ones whose magic doodles said they were destined for a career in local government were rather discontent, and the ones whose magic doodles said they were destined to be scurrilous rogues laughed and got wildly drunk and lived down to expectations.
Eventually, a bunch of people who'd been hiding somewhere, said "We are the Elders", and caused a giant war against the Amarr, as they thought that not enough Minmatar had died in the last war, and as a result the Minmatar Republic collapsed in on itself, due to nobody knowing what was going on, and whether drum circling or representative democracy was suppossed to be how to govern a nation.
And then came the "One True Minmatar", or "Sanmatar", known as Maleatu Shakor, who was widely considered to be a visionary, on account of being blind. He threw out everyone who he didn't like the look of, and put people he did like in positions of power, in a remodelled Tribal Republic, which brings us up to the present day.
Exam Questions: 1. ) Would you say that Emperor Heideran IV was directly responsible for the Invasion of Caldari Prime ? If not, what would you say ? 2. ) Does it surprise you that mud was ineffective as birth control in pre-spaceflight Minmatar society ? What does surprise you ? 3. ) Discuss the feasibility of using special mud and whittled sticks to evacuate Matar by spacecraft prior to the Amarr invasion, given the climate and ecosphere of Matar at the time.
Doctor V. Valate, Professor of Archaeology at Kaztropolis Imperial University.
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Samira Kernher
Praetorian Auxiliary Force Praetoria Imperialis Excubitoris
2636
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Posted - 2016.01.06 21:25:15 -
[2] - Quote
Just stop posting. |
Deitra Vess
Scope Works Psychotic Tendencies.
836
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Posted - 2016.01.06 21:47:58 -
[3] - Quote
No... |
Mizhara Del'thul
T.R.I.A.D Ushra'Khan
508
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Posted - 2016.01.06 21:49:51 -
[4] - Quote
Well, they say "write what you know". Idiot's guides seem remarkably fitting and amusing. More please. |
Arnulf Ogunkoya
Re-Awakened Technologies Inc The 11th Hour Alliance
108
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Posted - 2016.01.06 22:05:14 -
[5] - Quote
Indeed, this is exactly what an idiot might think & write about our history and beliefs.
Will we be seeing sequels on the other main civilisations of the cluster, equally accurate and informed?
Perhaps you might see if you can track down Archbishop or Merdaneth? I seem to recall they had a knack for comedic writing of this sort.
Regards, Arnulf Ogunkoya.
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Yatolila Koskanaiken
Material Extraction Enterprise
2
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Posted - 2016.01.06 22:13:31 -
[6] - Quote
I doubt this will win any awards for out and out accuracy, but the fundamentals seem to be intact. 10/10. Well done, Dr Valate. |
ValentinaDLM
Khushakor Clan Of Questionable Repute
834
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Posted - 2016.01.07 00:32:45 -
[7] - Quote
This article was aptly named. |
Arrendis
GoonWaffe Goonswarm Federation
1742
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Posted - 2016.01.07 01:00:23 -
[8] - Quote
Truly, one of the definitive idiots of our time. |
James Syagrius
Reclamation Technologies
1152
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Posted - 2016.01.07 02:24:02 -
[9] - Quote
Valerie Valate wrote:" wearing outlandish garb and full of strange ideas. These were the Gallente," Outlandish indeed!
Your a cheeky little ..... aren't you.
You fly ships painted gold and you have the nerve to call us outlandish.
Personalty if came from a society that determined merit based solely upon whose bottom one shot... I don't believe I would...., oh never-mind.
GÇ£Here also are the heralds of his praise."
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morion
Lighting Build
35
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Posted - 2016.01.07 05:10:37 -
[10] - Quote
Arrendis wrote:Truly, one of the definitive idiots of our time.
+1 creativity ^^^ try to happy up^^^
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Claudia Osyn
Minmatar Confederate Ushra'Khan
1594
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Posted - 2016.01.07 05:27:00 -
[11] - Quote
Much like the girls from Callie, I don't even..........
A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.
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Elmund Egivand
Federal Defense Union Gallente Federation
957
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Posted - 2016.01.07 05:52:57 -
[12] - Quote
The gist of the history is accurate but the details were so erroneous I felt like printing out this article and burning it in the presence of my crew and staff.
Yes, I know I'm being hypocritical for saying this and no, I am not going to actually do it!
Evergreen ~ Evergreen ~ Evergreen ~ EVERGREEN ~ Evergreen ~ Evergreen ~Evergreen ~ Family
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Luna Hanaya
Imperial Academy Amarr Empire
122
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Posted - 2016.01.07 06:20:08 -
[13] - Quote
Okay, I giggled.
((
If you are a roleplayer, or want to learn about roleplay, please join "Out of Character" and "Intergalactic Summit" channels in game,
Lets show CCP that there are many roleplayers still here, and we want more Live Events!!
))
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Diana Kim
State Protectorate Caldari State
2294
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Posted - 2016.01.07 07:27:59 -
[14] - Quote
Arrendis wrote:Truly, one of the definitive idiots of our time. Arrendiot talking about idiots, that's the apogee of the hypocrisy.
Valerie Valate wrote: on account of one of their favourite hobbies being reproduction.
That would explain a lot.
Honored are the dead, for their legacy guides us.
In memory of Tibus Heth, Caldari State Executor YC110-115, Hero and Patriot.
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Morgan Wulver
State Protectorate Caldari State
42
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Posted - 2016.01.07 08:06:45 -
[15] - Quote
I am personally unfamiliar with the history of the tribals, so the response I'm getting from other capsuleers is confusing me here. Is this not accurate? Am I missing a joke here? This all seems fairly well researched to me.
Oh. Oh. I'm the idiot this guide was made for, aren't I?
Kirjuun! Uakan! Teknikiara! Kanpai kameitsamuu! Ra ra ra!
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Diana Kim
State Protectorate Caldari State
2294
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Posted - 2016.01.07 09:18:38 -
[16] - Quote
Pretty much accurate, as far as I got it. It is just written very compactly and in more childish manner, instead of being an official historical essay according to approved guidelines and standards.
But I pretty much understand your position. When I have only became a capsuleer I only knew that there are such peoples known as Minmatars and that they live in tribes and might have dark skin color. And that's it. I never saw alive minmatar before I became a pilot.
All my knowledge and stereotypes about minmatars have originated from my first-hand experience of interacting with these species.
Honored are the dead, for their legacy guides us.
In memory of Tibus Heth, Caldari State Executor YC110-115, Hero and Patriot.
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Samira Kernher
Praetorian Auxiliary Force Praetoria Imperialis Excubitoris
2640
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Posted - 2016.01.07 10:19:45 -
[17] - Quote
It is not accurate. |
Ria Nieyli
37869
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Posted - 2016.01.07 10:30:57 -
[18] - Quote
Spacefaring in a ship built out of sticks and mud does seem inaccurate. |
Valerie Valate
Church of The Crimson Saviour Sani-Sabik
1182
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Posted - 2016.01.07 10:40:01 -
[19] - Quote
Ria Nieyli wrote:Spacefaring in a ship built out of sticks and mud does seem inaccurate.
Special mud.
Doctor V. Valate, Professor of Archaeology at Kaztropolis Imperial University.
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Ria Nieyli
37871
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Posted - 2016.01.07 10:43:49 -
[20] - Quote
Valerie Valate wrote:Ria Nieyli wrote:Spacefaring in a ship built out of sticks and mud does seem inaccurate. Special mud.
That seems especially inaccurate. |
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Ibrahim Tash-Murkon
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
329
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Posted - 2016.01.07 10:52:59 -
[21] - Quote
tl;dnr
"I give you the destiny of Faith, and you will bring its message to every planet of every star in the heavens: Go forth, conquer in my Name, and reclaim that which I have given." - Book of Reclaiming 22:13
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Feu dAstres
Nox Draconum Holding Corp Nox Draconum
94
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Posted - 2016.01.07 11:04:33 -
[22] - Quote
Yes, I laughed too.
We did enjoy the gathering, dancing around the campfires and various other activities on January First, for the second anniversary of the Tribal Assembly. It's merely a pity more people were not there to enjoy the foods, drinks, music and revelry. |
Kalaratiri
Death By Design Did he say Jump
757
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Posted - 2016.01.07 12:04:30 -
[23] - Quote
While hilarious, this isn't exactly accurate.
She's mad but she's magic, there's no lie in her fire.
This is possibly one of the worst threads in the history of these forums. - CCP Falcon
I don't remember when last time you said something that wasn't either dumb or absurd. - Diana Kim
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Utari Onzo
Pentag Blade Curatores Veritatis Alliance
843
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Posted - 2016.01.07 12:07:14 -
[24] - Quote
This ship has been well and truly toasted.
"Face the enemy as a solid wall
For faith is your armor
And through it, the enemy will find no breach
Wrap your arms around the enemy
For faith is your fire
And with it, burn away his evil"
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Valerie Valate
Church of The Crimson Saviour Sani-Sabik
1183
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Posted - 2016.01.07 15:10:09 -
[25] - Quote
Ria Nieyli wrote:Valerie Valate wrote:Ria Nieyli wrote:Spacefaring in a ship built out of sticks and mud does seem inaccurate. Special mud. That seems especially inaccurate.
Not if you realise that whittled sticks and special mud can be interpreted as carbon fibre reinforced ceramic composite materials.
Doctor V. Valate, Professor of Archaeology at Kaztropolis Imperial University.
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Tamiroth
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
274
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Posted - 2016.01.07 15:29:22 -
[26] - Quote
That reminds me of an age-old saying that any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
And so we create golems from magic mud that are powered with astral energy and act according to the ritual scrolls that we put into their flint brains, and fly over the skies on magic golden chariots, and throw fire and lightning from our thundersticks, wands and staves upon the cultist minions of the vampire lords, while our healers keep their potions and magic resurrection coffins ready.
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Ria Nieyli
37907
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Posted - 2016.01.07 16:09:14 -
[27] - Quote
Valerie Valate wrote:Ria Nieyli wrote:Valerie Valate wrote:Ria Nieyli wrote:Spacefaring in a ship built out of sticks and mud does seem inaccurate. Special mud. That seems especially inaccurate. Not if you realise that whittled sticks and special mud can be interpreted as carbon fibre reinforced ceramic composite materials.
How am I supposed to realise that sticks and mud means carbon fibre reinforced ceramic composite materials? |
Valerie Valate
Church of The Crimson Saviour Sani-Sabik
1183
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Posted - 2016.01.07 16:11:52 -
[28] - Quote
Ria Nieyli wrote:Valerie Valate wrote:Ria Nieyli wrote:Valerie Valate wrote:Ria Nieyli wrote:Spacefaring in a ship built out of sticks and mud does seem inaccurate. Special mud. That seems especially inaccurate. Not if you realise that whittled sticks and special mud can be interpreted as carbon fibre reinforced ceramic composite materials. How am I supposed to realise that sticks and mud means carbon fibre reinforced ceramic composite materials?
Well, whoever heard of a spaceship made of sticks and mud ?
Doctor V. Valate, Professor of Archaeology at Kaztropolis Imperial University.
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Ria Nieyli
37914
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Posted - 2016.01.07 16:29:49 -
[29] - Quote
Valerie Valate wrote:Well, whoever heard of a spaceship made of sticks and mud ?
Why not just call things by their actual names? I mean, how confused would you be if I started calling a hoohaw a gewgon?
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Elmund Egivand
Federal Defense Union Gallente Federation
959
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Posted - 2016.01.07 16:32:55 -
[30] - Quote
Ria Nieyli wrote:Valerie Valate wrote:Well, whoever heard of a spaceship made of sticks and mud ? Why not just call things by their actual names? I mean, how confused would you be if I started calling a hoohaw a gewgon?
Did you never read a single passage of an Amarrian or a Sabik scripture? They absolute can't help but use allegories, idioms, metaphors, analogies and etc.
The 'saw these signs and still not believe' portion of the Scriptures alone spawned many interpretations and jokes!
Evergreen ~ Evergreen ~ Evergreen ~ EVERGREEN ~ Evergreen ~ Evergreen ~Evergreen ~ Family
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