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Jokastis
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Posted - 2008.05.16 14:19:00 -
[1]
The engines went quiet, transitioning into minimum power, while planets whipped by the ship in the funnel of warp. Still ahead on the scanner, a single Hurricane sat in an asteroid belt.
ôProbably NPCing,ö Jokastis thought, preparing his armament to tear through the weak hull of the unsuspecting ship.
Thoughts switched to arming his webifier, hoping he would land in range and not have to make an excruciatingly slow approach in his bulky ship, giving the other pilot time to react.
Life came back into focus as silent anticipation was interrupted by the rattling exit of warp, and the roar of engines returning to full power. Perfect! The Myrmidon slid into range amongst the asteroids no more than eight thousand meters from his target. Systems primed. Battle began its motion. The silence of space was cut by the high pitched rhythmic count down of his onboard targeting system. Even with the aid of a sensor booster, locking on to the Hurricane seemed to take forever. The pounding of his heart filled the frozen moments while the HurricaneÆs pilot started to take evasive action against his sudden and uninvited guest. The MyrmidonÆs Micro Warp Drive system boomed in response to the appearance of the æTarget LockedÆ icon, thrusting the heavy set battle cruiser towards its more agile Minmatar counter part.
A blue haze now shown around the long needle-like design of the asteroid-gazing Hurricane, slowing its speedy momentum to a desperate crawl. Along with the webifier, Jokastis immediately activated his warp disruption device, sealing the deal and trapping his prey. Five Hammerhead drones immerged from the heavily armored Gallente beast darting through the closing void between the two ships. The clatter of the first shots dispensed from the drones was quickly overpowered by the sound of rapidly building energy within the mechanics of the MyrmidonÆs rack of Tech 2 Ion Blasters. Sharp loud claps followed quickly, discharging rounds from the port side weapons into the targetÆs defenseless shields.
Jokastis grinned at the rapid fall of his opponentÆs first line of defense, preparing for an easy kill. The joy Jokastis felt was quickly diced to pieces under a hail of rolling machine gun fire erupting suddenly from the opposing battle cruiser. Muzzle flashes were blinding and constant from the six ammo spitting autocannons. The HurricaneÆs actions werenÆt the panicked efforts of a surprised NPCer. Instead, they became cool and smooth as he returned the favor, and activated his warp disruption modules on the unsuspecting Myrmidon pilot. The gliding red waves from the Nosferatu drained power from the HurricaneÆs capacitor, but the now evident skill of the Minmatar pilot sucked any overconfidence violently from JokastisÆ mind.
Both gun boatsÆ weapons systems broke through the outer shields, and now chipped slowly away at each pilotÆs well armored core. The HurricaneÆs impressive armoring display depressed Jokastis, who was hoping that the ship built for speed would have opted for less of an embarrassing tank against his proud blasters. Firing his cap injector charge, and continually running both his Medium Armor Repairers just to survive, Jokastis realized that this Hurricane was no dummy. Now releasing his Tech 2 light drones to join the fray, the Hurricane abolished any idea that he wasnÆt in the mood for the fightà
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Jokastis
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Posted - 2008.05.18 22:09:00 -
[2]
Any comments on whether the story is interesting, writing is good, or anything?
Just curious on what you might think.
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Bad Harlequin
Minmatar
Chiroptera Factor
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Posted - 2008.05.18 23:09:00 -
[3]
Ok, some thoughts:
I like the pace of the narrative. There are some wince-moments. Frex, what's an NPC? 
Space out your paragraphs: avoid the wall of text. Many people prob'ly saw the chunk of ASCII and skipped without reading. Their loss, ultimately, but still: this is the Interwebs; expect ADD.
That's technical stuff. The rest is IMNSHO:
You're in love with the names of modules. Try instead of "i activated Blah and he activated Foo and i activated Whatsis," something more descriptive and less a blow-by-blow of keypresses, like "The familiar blue tendrils enveloped the Hurricane as its engines began straining..."
Zleip > very, and this is more or less a post of humor that seriousness =)
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Jokastis
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Posted - 2008.05.20 02:22:00 -
[4]
Any more comments?
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Fehn Gamin
Pator Tech School
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Posted - 2008.05.21 15:25:00 -
[5]
I would agree with this assessment:
 Originally by: Bad Harlequin
Try instead of "i activated Blah and he activated Foo and i activated Whatsis," something more descriptive and less a blow-by-blow of keypresses, like "The familiar blue tendrils enveloped the Hurricane as its engines began straining..."
Also maybe think about how this scene is advancing the character development, and have it at least appear as part of a larger storyline, if it is or isn't. Literary devices are your ticket. ;) Keep writing!
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Bad Harlequin
Chiroptera Factor
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Posted - 2008.05.21 18:51:00 -
[6]
Quote:
Muzzle flashes were blinding and constant from the six ammo-spitting cannons that lined the slender hull, retorting the rude invasion.
Now that is a damn fine sentence. The clause after the comma seals the deal.
(I couldn't resist correcting the lack of the hyphen, don't mind me :D ).
Zleip > very, and this is more or less a post of humor that seriousness =)
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