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Drakoulia
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Posted - 2008.07.05 20:48:00 -
[1]
Edited by: Drakoulia on 05/07/2008 20:49:43
My first story, please post your thoughts!
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Tala liked the way her doll moved in low gravity. The way it's braided red hair seemed to fly. The way the tiny mechanisms caused it to shake and pirouette and swing all over the table, spilling some of the other children's food while at it.
Tala looked over to see the two ladies in charge of them talking excitedly. One pointed at the flashing red lights in a way that seemed like her doll, and the other said something Tala wished she could hear. Her mommy said the servant sisters were taking them through the stars for safety, but didn't say from what. Daddy said a monstrous thing was after them.
Tala looked down the metal table at the other kids. She couldn't figure out what was big and bad enough to cause so many families to run and fly farther than the clouds, past the sun mommy said, to shelter. A boy down the table had said she wouldn't see her home and all her friends again forever. Tala wanted her mommy, but mommy and daddy were helping 'the sisters' with the spaceship and had to put her with the other kids while they did.
"WHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOP"
The siren started going off and a boy screamed and one of the ladies started telling the kids to follow her. Tala grabbed her doll and started to walk to her.
"WHOOPWHOOPWHOOOO..."
Tala got two steps before the siren stopped and everything went dark except for the flashing red lights. She screamed and ran under a table next to a wall. Then everything went upside down and the table was keeping her up and everything started falling nowhere. One of the ladies flew past Tala with her head open like a window, and Tala clutched her doll and screamed for mommy.
A moment passed. Apart from Tala nothing was moving. Apart from her all was silent. 'Mommy isn't here...' The thought shot through Tala like the greatest lightning bolt.
It also calmed her enough to notice she was flying between the table and the floor. Press on the table, go down. Press on the floor, go up. She could fly! Forgetting almost completely what happened, Tala shifted the doll to her left arm and used the right to align he-BOOM-the floor moved up and hit her, she couldn't feel her left arm. A dull continuous roar sounded in the distance as she almost bounced out from under the table.
In the flashing lights she could see the dining room filled with food and blood and bod-BOOM-the floor hit her again. Everything started shaking. The roar sounded closer, the monster thing was on the spaceship, roaring and coming to get her. Tala screamed. Mommy wasn't coming, her doll was gone. Everyone was dead. She screamed until her throat hurt. The room kept shaking and jumping around as the monster kept sounding closer and closer, it's roar deafening.
The far wall bulged in towards her with great speed, and was gone.
Tala gasped as she saw the stars. They was so beautiful, they were everywhere, all around her, she was floating around them, and there were so many. They were the most beautiful things she ever saw, each one so bright, pretty, and unique. And as what looked like red clouds filled her vision, Tala tried to scream.
As the doll seemed to struggle against space, two ravens and a hookbill moved in to collect what was left of the wreck.
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Mebrithiel Ju'wien
Veto.
Veto Corp
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Posted - 2008.07.06 16:07:00 -
[2]
That's so pretty it almost made me cry 
I loved the descriptions written from a childs perspective. The interuptions of the booms really do feel like the interuptions of the kids thoughts.
The ending was soooo Eve. The dramatic end eclipsed by a rather undramatic footnote - just another ship gone.
Personal Library |
Verone
Gallente
Veto Corp
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Posted - 2008.07.06 17:04:00 -
[3]
Awesomely written... I love it.
\o/ EON FICTION WRITER OF THE YEAR! \o/
>>> THE LIFE OF AN OUTLAW <<< |
KadaEl
RONA Midgard Academy
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Posted - 2008.07.07 03:25:00 -
[4]
I liked it, and I'm only slightly biased!
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KadaEl
RONA Midgard Academy
Teaching the world of tomorrow |
Red Amber2
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Posted - 2008.07.07 03:41:00 -
[5]
Great job Drak, and i rarely read the forums. 
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Drakoulia
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Posted - 2008.07.07 04:46:00 -
[6]
Thank you very much!
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Freyya
Under the Wings of Fury
Atrocitas
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Posted - 2008.07.07 23:28:00 -
[7]
Short but powerfull. I enjoyed it and like mebrithiel already said: nice how you made it so the thoughts of the child are actually interrupted by events. Makes you feel you're inside her head. Looking forward to more.
___________
NOW COLLECTING ISD AND CCP AUTOGRAPHS
It'll be worth something someday. -Rauth
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Kai Zion
The Zion Accounts
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Posted - 2008.07.08 00:10:00 -
[8]
This is a fantastic little glimpse. I'm always impressed when people tell so much with so little and you've done just that. The thought interruptions are an idea I've not even seen before anywhere and they're wonderfully executed!
I'd very much like to take this story and put it up on a website I'm working on, where various stories are hosted. Would you be ok with that?
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Drakoulia
Caldari
RONA Midgard Academy
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Posted - 2008.07.08 02:35:00 -
[9]
 Originally by: Kai Zion
This is a fantastic little glimpse. I'm always impressed when people tell so much with so little and you've done just that. The thought interruptions are an idea I've not even seen before anywhere and they're wonderfully executed!
I'd very much like to take this story and put it up on a website I'm working on, where various stories are hosted. Would you be ok with that?
Thank you very much, I'd love that!
All those stories are awesome, I'd be proud to have this as one of them.
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