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Keikun87
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Posted - 2008.07.07 20:51:00 -
[1]
(hope you enjoy and would love any feedback you give me, Id like to declare myself as a writer but I try not to make this my main profession, lets just say its a hobby and writing sorry to say isn't something to make a career in unless you know someone up.)
Before the war even started their were fluctuations in the governments where Gallente and Minmatar were not likeing the Amarr or the Caldari. An Giant war of This magnitude was inevitable, My blood may be Gallente but the war isn't my concern, but here is my story...(fan Fictional)
Pondering my insight for exploration I started from making simple jumps to 0.4 - 0.3 systems until pondering later on with Jove space, even with this huge war going on they are staying in the shadows. after about 15 jumps into the abyss deep into the territory of Jove.
"Heh, slipping right through" My thoughts as I saw entire fleets of cooperations duking it out for space that wasn't really theirs to begin with but whatever. My scans on some of the planets in Jove shows some providence but little activity. I decide to go to the planet that has no life forms but the planet is perfect for colonization, plenty of flora and fauna. while making a entire geography scan about 10 kilometers away had this odd signature mixed with some kind of emitions Ive never seen before.
So I decide to head out with my Laser Cutter and basic survival equipment(scanner, rations, Light aids, and a transporter amplifier, and some rope) as well as. I wasn't wanting to leave my vessel in the hands of anyone so I set a password and cloaked while landed of coarse, hiding in the brush of all the Rain forest of this planet.
My hike was a long one thats for sure, noticing some strange arrangement of the trees like as if it was done by man but hardly cared for it sense my hole attention laid eyed on my scanner, "This could not be possible, if it is could it" then thinking of our Ancient Federation and their UFO sighting but trying to focus again to my scanner to direct me to my destination.
Then I saw it.....
Some kind of wreck proply centuries old by the look the decay on the hull, but the scanner is still picking up extraordinary, Using the Cutter, I managed to open the door, after the door slams on the floor, I could see what looks like the bridge.
"...pffftt"
the Dead Jovian were everywhere but were all just dead bones but was weird from looking at the dead bones, they didn't look like normal bones, more metallic, the next door was some kind of shaft.
"hmmm a elevader shaft?"
looking at my Scanner again noticing had to go down a couple levels seems this vessel has been here a while all right, the land had engulfed the ship. Thousands of years old but im no geologist so no way to tell by my equipment. Strap my rope to something to bind my body down the levels. reaching down to what I believe to be the right level scanner can pick up. using the laser cutter breaking the door then in a dark greenish corridor leading to only one door at the end of the hallway.
As I walk towards the door I could hear a sound like no other
"Could this be the core, heheh the riches I would get from this!"
I rush to open the Door, then I see something unimaginably astounding but at the same time not believable in any skill book Ive read.
(end of Pt 1)
(P.S. hey CCP, What do you think so far?)
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Keikun87
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Posted - 2008.07.07 20:51:00 -
[2]
Edited by: Keikun87 on 07/07/2008 21:10:32
(hope you enjoy and would love any feedback you give me, Id like to declare myself as a writer but I try not to make this my main profession, lets just say its a hobby and writing sorry to say isn't something to make a career in unless you know someone up.)
Before the war even started their were fluctuations in the governments where Gallente and Minmatar were not likeing the Amarr or the Caldari. An Giant war of This magnitude was inevitable, My blood may be Gallente but the war isn't my concern, but here is my story...(fan Fictional)
Pondering my insight for exploration I started from making simple jumps to 0.4 - 0.3 systems until pondering later on with Jove space, even with this huge war going on they are staying in the shadows. after about 15 jumps into the abyss deep into the territory of Jove.
"Heh, slipping right through" My thoughts as I saw entire fleets of cooperations duking it out for space that wasn't really theirs to begin with but whatever. My scans on some of the planets in Jove shows some providence but little activity. I decide to go to the planet that has no life forms but the planet is perfect for colonization, plenty of flora and fauna. while making a entire geography scan about 10 kilometers away had this odd signature mixed with some kind of emitions Ive never seen before.
So I decide to head out with my Laser Cutter and basic survival equipment(scanner, rations, Light aids, a transporter amplifier, and some rope). I wasn't wanting to leave my vessel in the hands of anyone so I set a password and cloaked while landed of coarse, hiding in the brush of all the Rain forest of this planet.
My hike was a long one thats for sure, noticing some strange arrangement of the trees like as if it was done by man but hardly cared for it sense my hole attention laid eyed on my scanner, "This could not be possible, if it is could it" then thinking of our Ancient Federation and their UFO sighting but trying to focus again to my scanner to direct me to my destination.
Then I saw it.....
Some kind of wreck proply centuries old by the look the decay on the hull, but the scanner is still picking up extraordinary, Using the Cutter, I managed to open the door, after the door slams on the floor, I could see what looks like the bridge.
"...pffftt"
the Dead Jovian were everywhere but were all just dead bones but was weird from looking at the dead bones, they didn't look like normal bones, more metallic, the next door was some kind of shaft.
"hmmm a elevader shaft?"
looking at my Scanner again noticing had to go down a couple levels seems this vessel has been here a while all right, the land had engulfed the ship. Thousands of years old but im no geologist so no way to tell by my equipment. Strap my rope to something to bind my body down the levels. reaching down to what I believe to be the right level scanner can pick up. using the laser cutter breaking the door then in a dark greenish corridor leading to only one door at the end of the hallway.
As I walk towards the door I could hear a sound like no other
"Could this be the core, heheh the riches I would get from this!"
I rush to open the Door, then I see something unimaginably astounding but at the same time not believable in any skill book Ive read.
(end of Pt 1)
(P.S. hey CCP, What do you think so far?)
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Freyya
Under the Wings of Fury
Atrocitas
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Posted - 2008.07.07 21:37:00 -
[3]
1st!
Seriously though; Not bad. Slight issues with the way some parts are written. To incoherent to make out if something is written as a question or as a remark. Try to use some more punctuation. I can see that English is not your native language. This is of course no problem but try to use a spelling checker as much as possible.
Another small issue there is with your story; One does not simply fly into Jove space. It's sealed off in every way conceivable so there is actually no way you would be able to get in there as a pod pilot. Unless you'd set your microwarpdrive for 6 years and tried to traverse the distance like that (which would be possible, since it's fan fiction.)
Not trying to sound to negative but try to keep such things in mind and research things a little bit. This will help you form a nicer story overall. Small tip for the writing; Try to keep your sentences shorter at first. They're easier to keep apart and help you spot problems in spelling and sentence structure.
But please keep it up and write some more. It has potential.
___________
NOW COLLECTING ISD AND CCP AUTOGRAPHS
It'll be worth something someday. -Rauth
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Keikun87
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Posted - 2008.07.07 21:46:00 -
[4]
yeah sorry about that, didn't really know about it being Sealed off, I saw it on my map screen so I thought maybe not idk, CCP is probly someday gonna make another patch for that but still, its a fan fiction, I was At work writing this so I will definably use word and spellcheck for the next installment which is in progress, also can't put out more than 4000 characters so it makes me do parts.
thanks for the reply tho, Really helps me write the story better.
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