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Malcentis Tal
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Posted - 2008.07.21 15:45:00 -
[1]
Please feel free to read and comment. In a bid to become a better writer I would like to hear what you think and whether it is worth posting part 2!
Thanks.
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Malcentis Tal
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Posted - 2008.07.21 15:46:00 -
[2]
Gallente Republic News Archives.
ôAnd so after years of delays and political wrangling the first Unity probe is launched from the La Forriest space platform. Designed by Caldari Engineers and built in the joint Gallente/Caldari ship factory above Gallente it is hoped that this project will go someway towards fostering peaceful relations between the two planets.
The Unity probe uses state of the art jump technology that will propel it far beyond this region of space and into the unknown depths of the galaxy in an attempt to find advanced life. A constant stream of information will be beamed back to the La Forriest research facility and there is great hope amongst scientific circles that this information may lead to advances in many Gallente and Caldari technological endeavours. The probes improved Artificial Intelligence will be able to assess data ôon the spotö and be able to send partially researched data to the scientists located here. The probe also contains an archive of information about our own system.ààà..
Caldari Navy Archives.
Sigint 123/6yb. Intelligence report on the La Forriest space platform indicated Gallente use as space weapon research facility. C in C therefore committed considerable assets to ensure destruction. Post assault intelligence indicates total destruction of the facility.
The probes small mind had no idea that the stream of information it was sending back was going nowhere. But then in the many of years of itÆs flight it had had nothing of any real significance to report. It had skimmed close by and passed through a vast number of systems but the array of long range sensors and scanners it had built into itÆs bulk had indicated nothing of interest and so it had continued on itÆs lonely way.
But more recently it was starting to see more strange phenomenon as it sped itÆs way further and further away from itÆs own origin point. Systems with no planetary bodies, asteroid fields and a statistically small number of comets had begun to turn up with increasing regularity. ItÆs vast database of astronomic information was constantly correlating observed phenomenon to what it was supposed to see and that information did not add up. The feeble Artificial Intelligence hoped that the minds back home were having a better time sifting the information. The planets should be there. The fact was simple. Yet the planets were not there.
The probe was approaching another system, designated AS41-K. ItÆs long range scans were showing six planets in the regular format for most systems. Small, possibly life bearing planets near one of the binary stars, gas giants further out. The AI logged what it saw, sent the information back and thenà.. An information error alert sounded. There were now five planets around the star. A gas giant had simply vanished. Suddenly a vast spike of energy across all the known spectrums sounded alarms from the last scan. Exactly as it was programmed to do the probe immediately changed course and engaged its unique jump technology, fixing itÆs exit point within the systems Oort cloud.
The probeÆs AI registered that itÆs shielding and armour were still at well above normal efficiency as it made the jump. A credit to itÆs designers and builders. The moment it reappeared in the system the great wake of the energy surge began to wash against it. It quickly filtered through the multi-spectrum energy waves and began a scan of the area where the gas giant once was. All indications seemed to point to the entire planet being converted to energy at an incredible rate, almost instantaneously. The probe engaged itÆs warp engines and began a slow spiral approach towards the systems star constantly sweeping the system with every kind of sensor and scanner it had, filtering and refining every second.
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Malcentis Tal
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Posted - 2008.07.21 15:46:00 -
[3]
At around fifteen AU out from the star it spotted it. Moving slowly from the point where the gas giant once was to the next planet in the system. At first the probes computers and processors could not resolve the information coming in but slowly a clear picture, despite itÆs impossibility, began to form. The object was truly massive, 5000km long, perhaps 500km high and 3000km wide, but at any one point in time it seemed that vast parts of the object did not exist, phasing in and out of real space seemingly at random. The probeÆs AI routines decided that a close inspection was necessary and it began to circle the massive object closing with every warp.
More information about the structure of the object began to manifest. It seemed almost completely solid except towards itÆs forward quarter where vast open areas connected by tubes and spirals made up itÆs interior. Areas for a crew perhaps? The AI routines began to send signals to the object across multiple frequencies and in multiple languages both mathematical and lingual. There was no reply. Eventually the Probe approached to less then 100kms. All its scanners and sensors targeted and receiving the same information. But it knew that unless something changed it could gather little new information. Yet, itÆs mission was complete, it had found signs of an other intelligence. New routines immediately came into effect and the Probe aimed its signal arrays back along the path it had followed for scores of years.
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Odre Echee
Equestrian Knight Order of Lolicon
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Posted - 2008.07.28 14:18:00 -
[4]
Some lingo, I reckon. Rest looks good to me, but it's really not saying much.
For example, shipyard may fit better than 'ship factory', or perhaps making the whole 'Unity probe' into proper noun and make it 'Unity Probe'. Punctuations would help a bit too, and make it a bit more fluent:
eg)
 Quote:
Designed by Caldari Engineers and built in the joint Gallente/Caldari ship factory above Gallente. It is hoped that this project will go someway towards fostering peaceful relations between the two planets.
Quote:
The probe's small mind had no idea that the stream of information it was sending back was going nowhere.
perhaps make it 'The Probe's', but that's just personal opinion.
Another thing that bugs me (but I can't keep my finger on) is length of sentences. It somehow doesn't feel right. As in, it feels as though some of them should be joined, but some others be separated.
Ugh, that's it, actually, I should have been asleep two hours ago.
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Lag in Motsu or other hubs? Can't bear it and want to change? Remember : YOU are part of the problem!
Gave stuff away. Waiting for sub. to run out. |
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