Jessica Sweetwater
Dark Eternity.
3
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Posted - 2012.04.14 19:25:00 -
[1] - Quote
Hiya
Im a fair hand at short stories and ive already put together the prologue to the story. Which is pasted below, do u think i should keep going or do you think the community would not like it?
Prologue
Assassins End
The Final Kill
God he thought, Im getting old, his breath was ragged, his chest in pain, three Gallente guards outside his cell smirking in through the bars, smug bastards, they'd get there time. That much he vowed.
He turned his back on them shaking his head, smirking as he knew they had no idea how close to death they were, he could feel it in his veins, Arratiger, Jovian technology, his entire reason for being in Mirilene, hunting for legends, all his life and now after all this time he had found it, but at a price. He turned back towards the bars and straightened, lets see how this goes.
Alien images flood his mind, ships he'd never seen before, worlds he'd never heard of, space he'd never been to, oh god, the power this race must have, it made all the four empires politics seem like children playing together. If only they knew.
He could feel it pulse through his mind, intellect coming faster, telekinetic abilityGGVs coming to the fore, he stretched one hand towards the bars and smiled at the guards. Time to die. Shouting an alien command the guards were flung backwards into the opposite walls with sickening crunches, he didn't need a second glance, they were dead, he couldn't feel them any more, he glanced at the cell door and gestured almost with contempt, it crashed into the floor, I need to move quickly, to much noise already.
Crouching low he moved off through the station to find his ship and hopefully escape, he had to escape. |
AlleyKat
The Unwanted.
222
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Posted - 2012.04.16 17:42:00 -
[3] - Quote
Yes.
This way I will be able to offer a comment as right now I'm not seeing or feeling it, due to, no doubt, lack of content which shall be forthcoming.
You could work on your punctuation and grammar, also. There are some mistakes in each block which confused me, like:
"God he thought, Im getting old, his breath was ragged, his chest in pain, three Gallente guards outside his cell smirking in through the bars, smug bastards, they'd get there time. That much he vowed."
Should that have read as:
"God, he thought, I'm getting old. His breath, ragged; his chest, in pain. Three Gallente guards outside his cell smirked at him through the bars. Smug bastards. They'd get their time, that much he vowed."
Kinda changes the cadence...and maybe you're overlapping descriptive text with internal monologues a little too much...but hard to know until I read the rest.
AK
GG#You go into combat, and itGGVs NOT going to be WagnerGG*industrial techno or really hard drum and bassGG%
Reynir Hardarson, founding member of CCP Games, 2002. |