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Lord Gary
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Posted - 2009.05.17 00:01:00 -
[1]
Edited by: Lord Gary on 17/05/2009 00:03:43 Edited by: Lord Gary on 17/05/2009 00:03:02 Hey guys, I've just finished work on this story I wrote. I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but I wanted to share it with you and hopefully get some good feedback. First let me just say I am 23 years old, I've been writing professionally now for the past 5 years as a way to make money to pay for college.
I'm not associated with the guys who made clear skies at all but I was inspired so I wrote this as a fan-made tribute prequel. I hope those of you that take the time to read it enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it!
A link to the full version: Clear Skies - Before the Rain
An extract:
ôBut I donÆt want to die! Is this the end of my clear sky? Is this a cloud I see before me?ö He yelled as he fell down some stairs. The refuges were also being thrown about as the ship was taking a pounding from the ambusherÆs torpedo.
All of a sudden another ship came out of warp, right between Clear Skies and the ambushers ship! John ran up the stairs he fell down to the bridge and couldnÆt believe his eyes.
öWhat the!?ö The ambusher said as he targeting this new ship. ôI donÆt know who you are, or where you have come from, but my scanners show that your navitas class frigate only has a power level of 300. You are no match for me, now step aside or be dead!ö
Inside the Navitas, Delphi Grendalus cracked a smile. She opened a communications channel to the Clear Skies ô John Rourke, My name is Commander Delphi Grendalus. I am here to save your life!ö
Thanks!
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ShadowGod56
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Posted - 2009.05.17 00:14:00 -
[2]
Edited by: ShadowGod56 on 17/05/2009 00:14:54 sounds interesting i have a look
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Nova Fox
Gallente Novafox Shipyards
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Posted - 2009.05.17 00:17:00 -
[3]
Im glad I dont write fan projects, firing squads aim tends to be to accurate at that point.
I would love to do a tribute picture but alas got 30 ships scheduled to do and just received my first ingame paid work to do.
Pre-order your Sisters of ≡v≡ Exploration ship today, Updated 19Apr09 |
Tellenta
Gallente Invicta. Advocated Destruction
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Posted - 2009.05.17 00:25:00 -
[4]
Is eve general where contract spammers go to wait until someone smarter than them finds the next big scam?
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Lag Hon
Minmatar Lag Hon Security
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Posted - 2009.05.17 01:53:00 -
[5]
TBH I hope everyone who enjoyed watching Clear Skies 1 & 2 finds you ingame and pods you repeatedly.
Quote:
There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom. Against that power governments, and tyrants, and armies can not stand. G'Kar
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Valorous Bob
TARSHISH FOUNDATION
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Posted - 2009.05.17 02:00:00 -
[6]
Originally by: Lord Gary your navitas class frigate only has a power level of OVER 9000!!!!eleven!!1!. You are no match for me, now step aside or be dead!ö
fixed _______________________________________________
Originally by: Governor LePetomane You know who I can't stand? Explorers. Smug, invisible bastards.
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Lord Gary
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Posted - 2009.05.17 07:27:00 -
[7]
So.... What do you think then? Have I captured the majesty of Delphi Grendalus? I was considering making her come back from the dead, but that will have to wait till part 2 of 15.
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Arda Xi
Gallente
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Posted - 2009.05.17 07:32:00 -
[8]
Originally by: Lag Hon TBH I hope everyone who enjoyed watching Clear Skies 1 & 2 finds you ingame and pods you repeatedly.
I have to agree with you. I'm normally not so harsh about any creative work, but this... I expected something relevant to the Clear Skies series and got a mix of a few different stories in one. Very disappointing. ---
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Merin Ryskin
Peregrine Industries
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Posted - 2009.05.17 07:38:00 -
[9]
Edited by: Merin Ryskin on 17/05/2009 07:38:16
Quote: Clear Skies û Before the Rain Pt.1 of 15
Oh god, please make it stop.
Remember kids, friends don't let friends write bad fanfiction.
(Yes, I realize it's a troll, but I've seen things just as bad that were meant to be serious.) -----------
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Mayor Menod
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Posted - 2009.05.17 08:05:00 -
[10]
So you think it's... bad? Are you sure you read it correctly?
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Akela
Caldari
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Posted - 2009.05.17 08:05:00 -
[11]
TBQFH..
Its nothing more that a rip off of the popularity of the name, story that you yourself stated you had nothing to do with. If you want to write crap fiction, don't use someone else's hard earned reputation to coat-tale your popularity (or distinct lack there of).
You should be banned, for life
"All who wander are not lost.." |
Hyperforce99
Gallente Infinite Covenant United Front Alliance
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Posted - 2009.05.17 08:12:00 -
[12]
Edited by: Hyperforce99 on 17/05/2009 08:12:53 IF you are going to make fanfiction, there are 3 basic golden rules:
1: Stick to the original with this, I don't just mean story and characters, but also personalities, reality and story tension.
2: Never try to ride on someone elses coattails As people look down on you for that. Fandome might tell you you want to contribute but if you know your work won't be 200% better than the original, don't post it!
3: Prepare to be probed I don't mean this in an eve scan probe kinda way. People who liked the original (Especially when the original was very good) will look at your fanfiction with the same expectations. If you don't meet up to those, you will be beaten down, flamed and in this game, hunted down and podkilled.
You violated all 3 of those rules. So for the love of veldspar and all that the ammar consider to be holy, If you don't want to sully the epic movie series that is "clear skies"
DON'T POST ANY MORE OF THIS ! --------------------------------------------- Somewhere beyond happyness and sadness, I need to calculate what creates my own madness o/ |
Eternal Echo
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Posted - 2009.05.17 08:57:00 -
[13]
This guys main is 'Silencering' in the Tenth Legion alliance. Linkage
Feel free to pod repeadly for crapping on the Clear Skies name.
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Lord Gary
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Posted - 2009.05.17 09:51:00 -
[14]
So no one likes it then? Not one single person?
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elohllird
Destructive Influence KenZoku
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Posted - 2009.05.17 10:07:00 -
[15]
er.....
Some constructive criticism, its ****
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Lord Gary
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Posted - 2009.05.17 10:09:00 -
[16]
I'm having a hard time believing anyone has actually read it. Maybe it is a bit too high-brow for the masses but this is the level of professional writing I am used to. If someone could give me some CONSTRUCTIVE critism, even go through it and give feedback on each paragraph I would be very grateful.
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Cozmik R5
Minmatar Chaosstorm Corporation Apoapsis Multiversal Consortium
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Posted - 2009.05.17 10:16:00 -
[17]
Anybody who calls himself "Lord" is on my to-pod list.
Too bad I can't say what I think of you here without CCP shutting me up. ____________________
Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try. |
Zaribeth
Amarr Gladiators of Rage Wildly Inappropriate.
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Posted - 2009.05.17 10:26:00 -
[18]
ehm. i read it.. And it was bad, very bad. And boring Actually my 12year old brother writes better then that tbh.
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Hyperforce99
Gallente Infinite Covenant United Front Alliance
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Posted - 2009.05.17 10:44:00 -
[19]
Originally by: Lord Gary I'm having a hard time believing anyone has actually read it. Maybe it is a bit too high-brow for the masses but this is the level of professional writing I am used to. If someone could give me some CONSTRUCTIVE critism, even go through it and give feedback on each paragraph I would be very grateful.
Listen I read your story, And to be honest, theres not a lot of good stuff in it. IT go's from back to worse. If anything its your own favorite storyline you had in your head rolled into a badly held together addaptation to connect to the clear skies movies.
you begin with this:
Originally by: Lord Gary
ôHow can I help you?ö He said.
ôPlease save us Captain Rourke! We are refuges who have escaped from a bad planet. We canÆt afford to pay you right now, but after you take us home we will give you 30 million isks.ö The 300 refuges answered.
He hadn't even introduced himself, and yet they know his name, you have 300 refuges who escaped from a BAD planet and are willing to pay 30 million isk. 30 MILLION ISK!
If you know anything about eve you know that pod pilots are like gods, they can afford massive amounts of money, common people, left alone refuges who escaped from a bad planet have 30 million ISK... what the hell!
ok next:
Originally by: Lord Gary
a ship came out of cloak! The Clear Skies was targeted and jammed and also scrambled. There was nothing John Rourke could do!!
1 ship in eve can't do those things all at the same time, not against a battleship. You also forget that even if the ship was capable of such a thing he didn't web him, so shouldn't clear skies be able to reach the gate and jump out...
Originally by: Lord Gary
ôI have you now, Clear Skies. You see I have been hunting you for the past 50 years
If this is a prequel... how does that work, John Rorque and his crew only had clear skies for ... well a year or 2 tops. Also I doubt he's OVER 70 years old!
Originally by: Lord Gary
Skies ô John Rourke, My name is Commander Delphi Grendalus. I am here to save your life!ö
... ok why... uhm... just like that, maybe you watched to many comic books of snappy superhero's, this is eve, not marvel
Originally by: Lord Gary
Suddenly the navitas began to transform into a mecha-robot. ôYou shouldnÆt have underestimated me, Ambusher. I. AM. DELPHI. GRENDALUS!!ö Delphi said as her mecha teleported forward and sliced the ambushers ship in half with its laser katana.
Ok, awesome... maybe... but, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING! This go's way outside bad character motivation, or mere mistakes in technicle background knowledge... This is like mixing James bond with my little pony, its like combining tomb raider with rollercoaster tycoon...
This is rediculious, At this point its no longer a fanfiction, its not even a decent story set in its own universe... its not even possible to be a prequil...
And when I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse:
Originally by: Lord Gary
John read the mail and said to her ô but Delphià. Ià. I love youö
Originally by: Lord Gary
Delphi smiled from inside her mecha. She watched her scanner as 500 Gallente Dreadnaughts came out of warp in front of her.
.......
Delphi nodded. As her mecha ignited its laser katana and charged itÆs boosters to engage the capital war fleet in one last blaze of glory Delphi Grendalus said
Originally by: Lord Gary
Her noble sacrifice allowed 300 SWArtan refuges to live as well as the ship Clear Skies and her crew. To this day the name Delphi Grendalus is the first word every SWArtan learns.
What the hell is a SWArtan... and You clearly ripped that last line from the part about general toba toba at the end of the chronicle voiced in the day of darkness 2 video.
Sigh...
The only thing I can tell you to do... Is to stop writing, cause if you consider yourself to be a professional storywriter... and you want to continue anyway... DON'T POST IT HERE! --------------------------------------------- Somewhere beyond happyness and sadness, I need to calculate what creates my own madness o/ |
MotherMoon
Huang Yinglong
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Posted - 2009.05.17 10:48:00 -
[20]
Edited by: MotherMoon on 17/05/2009 10:52:00 Edited by: MotherMoon on 17/05/2009 10:51:43 Edited by: MotherMoon on 17/05/2009 10:50:53
Quote: He hadn't even introduced himself, and yet they know his name, you have 300 refuges who escaped from a BAD planet and are willing to pay 30 million isk. 30 MILLION ISK! If you know anything about eve you know that pod pilots are like gods, they can afford massive amounts of money, common people, left alone refuges who escaped from a bad planet have 30 million ISK... what the hell!
HOW MUCH!?
anyways yeah I read it :P
well, that was bad fanfiction. But it was kinda funny because I think that might oif been the point. :P
Quote:
Hmmm... you know, I can't do any 3D work right now because hp support sucks >.< but I think maybe I'll write a fanfic for clear skies now.
Front seat to the action.
PEW PEW! The lazors roawr! I hear the computer request to dock. "DOCKING REQUEST ACCEPTED" the computer articulates. My master runs out the back door. My last few moments I am alone. KABOOM! I am sucked out into space! I land on a golden archway as it rips apart form the hull. DOOM! I can hear the distance twisted cries of others like me unable to avoid the chaos. Why do we have such fates. All sound fades away, and I am left cold in space. Alone to fade away. Or maybe fall into a sun. Maybe I'll work on that Novel I've been behind on. Alas, I can not. For am I but a red sofa.
Bleep Bleep I am found! I am loved.
hmmm that was more like abstract fan poetry...
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Hyperforce99
Gallente Infinite Covenant United Front Alliance
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Posted - 2009.05.17 10:51:00 -
[21]
Originally by: MotherMoon well, that was bad fanfiction.
Hmmm... you know, I can't do any 3D work right now because hp support sucks >.< but I think maybe I'll write a fanfic for clear skies now.
Front seat to the action.
PEW PEW! The lazors roawr! I hear the computer request to dock. "DOCKING REQUEST ACCEPTED" the computer articulates. My master runs out the back door. My last few moments I am alone. KABOOM! I am sucked out into space! I land on a golden archway as it rips apart form the hull. DOOM! I can hear the distance twisted cries of others like me unable to avoid the chaos. Why do we have such fates. All sound fades away, and I am left cold in space. Alone to fade away. Or maybe fall into a sun. Maybe I'll work on that Novel I've been behind on. Alas, I can not. For am I but a red sofa.
Bleep Bleep I am found! I am loved.
hmmm that was more like abstract fan poetry...
well lets see, hard to understand at first but it all clicks together, if you watched clear skies 2 to the end, and its actually pretty funny.
Must better than the OP's story --------------------------------------------- Somewhere beyond happyness and sadness, I need to calculate what creates my own madness o/ |
MotherMoon
Huang Yinglong
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Posted - 2009.05.17 10:54:00 -
[22]
Edited by: MotherMoon on 17/05/2009 10:55:21
Originally by: Hyperforce99
Originally by: MotherMoon well, that was bad fanfiction.
Hmmm... you know, I can't do any 3D work right now because hp support sucks >.< but I think maybe I'll write a fanfic for clear skies now.
Front seat to the action.
PEW PEW! The lazors roawr! I hear the computer request to dock. "DOCKING REQUEST ACCEPTED" the computer articulates. My master runs out the back door. My last few moments I am alone. KABOOM! I am sucked out into space! I land on a golden archway as it rips apart form the hull. DOOM! I can hear the distance twisted cries of others like me unable to avoid the chaos. Why do we have such fates. All sound fades away, and I am left cold in space. Alone to fade away. Or maybe fall into a sun. Maybe I'll work on that Novel I've been behind on. Alas, I can not. For am I but a red sofa.
Bleep Bleep I am found! I am loved.
hmmm that was more like abstract fan poetry...
well lets see, hard to understand at first but it all clicks together, if you watched clear skies 2 to the end, and its actually pretty funny.
Must better than the OP's story
:)
hmmm what sounds better...
alas I can not, for I am but a sofa or alas I can not, for I am but a red sofa
I like the timing on the 1st one better, but it might be harder to understand.
alsomy 3 min fanfic beat the ops! \o/
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Ferinoir
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Posted - 2009.05.17 11:23:00 -
[23]
Edited by: Ferinoir on 17/05/2009 11:24:03 Nakredge - Kor-Azor region, 19:24 hours:
"Clear Skies, resurrected and better than ever" John Rourke thought to himself as he gave a slight grin and surveyed his new ships bridge, A Malestrom class Battleship. Sitting in his re-aquired red sofa and admiring the view of the approaching Kor-Azor Prime gate his thoughts were interrupted by the comm link, it was Sol.
"What is it Sol?" John asked as he relaxed against the console.
"John, we've got an emergency communiaction here from some bloke calling himself Haman Rehys, said it's urgent"
"Put him on" John said as he turned to the view screen.
A grainy image of a haggard looking man faded into view. "John Rourke" the man said.
"This sounds familiar" John quipped to Charlie who'd just joined him on the bridge.
*******************************
Something like that, maybe. I'm not a writer
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Imertu Solientai
Gallente
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Posted - 2009.05.17 11:24:00 -
[24]
Originally by: MotherMoon Front seat to the action.
PEW PEW! The lazors roawr! I hear the computer request to dock. "DOCKING REQUEST ACCEPTED" the computer articulates. My master runs out the back door. My last few moments I am alone. KABOOM! I am sucked out into space! I land on a golden archway as it rips apart form the hull. DOOM! I can hear the distance twisted cries of others like me unable to avoid the chaos. Why do we have such fates. All sound fades away, and I am left cold in space. Alone to fade away. Or maybe fall into a sun. Maybe I'll work on that Novel I've been behind on. Alas, I can not. For am I but a red sofa.
Bleep Bleep I am found! I am loved.
hmmm that was more like abstract fan poetry...
I loved it. More please. CLEAR SKIES 2 IS OUT! PLEASE SEED! |
Arda Xi
Gallente
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Posted - 2009.05.17 11:37:00 -
[25]
Originally by: Lord Gary So no one likes it then? Not one single person?
Nope. Your thread is hijacked by actual good writers now, too. ---
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Hra Neuvosto
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Posted - 2009.05.17 12:00:00 -
[26]
Troll alert, troll alert.
10/10, I might add.
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Nyphur
Pillowsoft
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Posted - 2009.05.17 12:10:00 -
[27]
Hahaha this is ******ed. "Is this the end of my clear sky?" Hahahhahaha.
As I learned a while ago through my writing at massively, you haven't really succeeded until someone starts ripping off your work. I guess this is another notch in John's belt then :).
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Lord Gary
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Posted - 2009.05.17 12:11:00 -
[28]
Thank you for the serious reply Hyperforce99 however there are a few problems with your own post.
John Rourke is not a pod pilot, so to him 30 million ISK is definately a lot. Also the refuges knew it was him cause they saw his name in local and they also did a show info on his ship.
A SWArtan is someone who belongs to the NPC corp SWA. We are a close-knit band of players who would die for one another IRL if we had to. Thats why Delphi sacrifices herself to save 300 SWArtans. In part 2 the SWArtan refuges are going to mount up in thier SWA issue ibis fleet and avenge her, but thats for part 2.
As for Delphi's navitas transforming into a mecha? She made a lot of special modifications herself, helped by the Jove Empire who she secretly is the Queen of.
I appreciate the constructive critism but you yourself don't seem to know that much about EVE or Clear Skies.
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Lag Hon
Minmatar Lag Hon Security
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Posted - 2009.05.17 12:25:00 -
[29]
Based on the structure and grammar of your "story" Im wondering why a 5 year old is allowed to play Eve and should you really be on mum's computer?
Quote:
There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom. Against that power governments, and tyrants, and armies can not stand. G'Kar
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Hyperforce99
Gallente Infinite Covenant United Front Alliance
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Posted - 2009.05.17 12:34:00 -
[30]
Edited by: Hyperforce99 on 17/05/2009 12:36:40 Edited by: Hyperforce99 on 17/05/2009 12:35:27
Originally by: Lord Gary
I appreciate the constructive critism but you yourself don't seem to know that much about EVE or Clear Skies.
that comment made me laugh. Listen you, I've been playing eve since 2005, And i've watched clear skies 1 and 2 over 5 times each. I also know that the refugees most likely Don't have 30 million isk to pay to John. I know john is not a pod pilot, I never said that, I just said that to US podpilots its not a lot. But for the refugees to simply say they are willing to pay him 30 million isk is just blatantly inconsistant.
I've never heared about the SWA corp before in eve. And even then, I doubt they fly mecha ships disguised as navitas...
And about your character being a Jove queen... How the hell are we suppost to know.
Its impossible to know EVERYTHING about eve, (I doubt even a single dev alone knows every nook and cranny.)
But your story is based on information that only you know and hold for granted, I've writen a storyline before that had the same flaws, and I learned from that mistake.
You on the other hand have not.
Your calling this a clear skies prequel, but all your doing is unfolding your own story in someone elses universe.
--------------------------------------------- Somewhere beyond happyness and sadness, I need to calculate what creates my own madness o/ |
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