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Tyto
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Posted - 2006.03.03 12:38:00 -
[1]
Edited by: Tyto on 03/03/2006 12:39:08
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*****g thing in the first place.
4. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
5. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
6. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen corn inside it before you put it on.
7. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
8. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
9. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl will make the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
10. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
11. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
12. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
13. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
14. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
15. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next cig from the butt of your last one.
16. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
17. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice pate de foie gras.
18. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
19. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then read the rest in a random order.
20. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
21. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
22. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving
the wrong way up one way streets.
23. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
24. Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so
it may as well look like one.
25. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
T
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pshepherd
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Posted - 2006.03.03 13:11:00 -
[2]
Edited by: pshepherd on 03/03/2006 13:10:53
 Originally by: Tyto
25. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
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This is a sig
O RLY? - Imaran
I've only done 4 hours of Tools for 2D graphics, give me a few weeks and i'll be cool, really. |
Kydor
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Posted - 2006.03.03 13:21:00 -
[3]
Rofl, i love, it u come up with these?
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If there are any troubles or questions please let us know. We will do our best to resolve any issues and promise not to place a |
Desired Username
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Posted - 2006.03.03 14:10:00 -
[4]
Edited by: Desired Username on 03/03/2006 14:11:41
26.Avoid arguments with the missus about leaving the loo seat up by simply weeing in the sink.
27.A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
28.Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get drunk, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
29.Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal 'toast racks' for Ritz cr@ckers.
30.Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.
31.Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
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Please do not read this sig.
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Tyto
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Posted - 2006.03.04 16:31:00 -
[5]
Originally by: Desired Username
26.Avoid arguments with the missus about leaving the loo seat up by simply weeing in the sink.
30.Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.
Brilliant!
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Tyto
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Posted - 2006.03.04 16:38:00 -
[6]
32.Housewives - when nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
33.Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bucket of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
34.Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
35.Avoid jetlag by taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
36.Highjackers - avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
37.Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
38.Party hosts. A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser.
39. Save money on personalised car number plates by changing your name to match your existing plate. (From Mr KVL 741Y, Lincoln).
40.SILENCE your windy bottom by pulling apart your buttocks before you break wind. Hey Presto! No embarrassing 'fart' noise.
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Bosie
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Posted - 2006.03.04 16:59:00 -
[7]
Viz?
Bosie.
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Tyto
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Posted - 2006.03.04 19:26:00 -
[8]
Could it be any other?
Ah Viz... back in the day.
That reminds me, have we got a BLoodbowl match to play Bosie?
T
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Bosie
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Posted - 2006.03.05 20:41:00 -
[9]
Originally by: Tyto
Could it be any other?
Ah Viz... back in the day.
That reminds me, have we got a BLoodbowl match to play Bosie?
T
I am 'safe' for the moment as I play Nightjester tonight... if I can find him!
Bosie.
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FireFoxx80
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Posted - 2006.03.06 11:29:00 -
[10]
You two play BB?
Cool, I used to have an undead team. Though my older bro still plays Skaven in the online stuff.
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Tacnafarias
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Posted - 2006.03.06 14:16:00 -
[11]
Originally by: Tyto
40.SILENCE your windy bottom by pulling apart your buttocks before you break wind. Hey Presto! No embarrassing 'fart' noise.
This one dosn't seem to work, although it makes sense. |
Desired Username
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Posted - 2006.03.06 14:22:00 -
[12]
Originally by: Tacnafarias
Originally by: Tyto
40.SILENCE your windy bottom by pulling apart your buttocks before you break wind. Hey Presto! No embarrassing 'fart' noise.
This one dosn't seem to work, although it makes sense.
I hope you didn't try out the other 39 to make sure they did work 
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Please do not read this sig.
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Bosie
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Posted - 2006.03.07 02:34:00 -
[13]
Originally by: FireFoxx80
You two play BB?
Cool, I used to have an undead team. Though my older bro still plays Skaven in the online stuff.
JF has an on-line league running at http://fumbbl.com/
Bosie.
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