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Rebbeca Neresh
Green Associates
0
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Posted - 2014.02.27 18:14:00 -
[1] - Quote
So as part of my degree i was challenged to write an essay applying some Fan Theory to a "Media Text", being a massive nerd and a Eve-O' Holic i decided it would be "fun" to write it about Eve.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/13PB-Blcz6SlmHPiQ4PIJIIeuQ1aqQJtOzOBO9tUhxAI/edit
this is a link to the Essay, i would have posted it here, however it is 5k words longs and 31k Characters, and that's around 7 posts on this board.
I Cannot confirm if it is good, however it is long and uses some fancy words, so please enjoy and feel free to comment about it here.
And please be gentle with me. :) |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
10484
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Posted - 2014.02.27 18:24:00 -
[2] - Quote
Rebbeca Neresh wrote:And please be gentle with me. :)
[Reserved]
also, no promises Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Batelle
HOMELE55
1964
|
Posted - 2014.02.27 18:34:00 -
[3] - Quote
I cannot judge the quality of the content because I take so much issue with the style choices you've made and other essay-no-no's you've committed. Putting large portions of an interview transcript directly into an essay is a SIN. I'm sorry but it looks like you were never taught how to write an essay. There are also a lot of grammatical and spelling errors, as if this is just a rough draft. "CCP is changing policy, and has asked that we discontinue the bonus credit program after November 7th. So until then, enjoy a super-bonus of 1B Blink Credit for each 60-day GTC you buy!"
Never forget. |
Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Galactic
107952
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Posted - 2014.02.27 18:40:00 -
[4] - Quote
Batelle wrote: Putting large portions of an interview transcript directly into an essay is a SIN.
Wrong. Utterly wrong. It's just thankfully rare.
And you make critical comments with no real opinions, or information of what's wrong, and clearly no citations from the text. You want the OP to write better and you offer nothing. Talk about Trolling..............
If OP needs lessons in writing, you need lessons in how to actually talk to other people. That's much sadder. "He has mounted his hind-legs, and blown crass vapidities through the bowel of his neck."-á - Ambrose Bierce on Oscar Wilde's Lecture in San Francisco 1882 |
Kristalll
Valkyrie Professional Resources
16
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Posted - 2014.02.27 18:43:00 -
[5] - Quote
Batelle wrote:I cannot judge the quality of the content because I take so much issue with the style choices you've made and other essay-no-no's you've committed. Putting large portions of an interview transcript directly into an essay is a SIN. I'm sorry but it looks like you were never taught how to write an essay. There are also a lot of grammatical and spelling errors, as if this is just a rough draft.
I'd be interested to know what class this was for and the specifications of the assignment. This is not university-level work, even if we're talking about some jack-off elective class.
I agree with this. Many sentences had me rereading them because they made no sense, just for me to settle on the fact you put a comma and really meant a period.
And that was onn top of stuff that just made me wonder if you'd ever learned how to write an essay.
You should really look at gaming news sites editorials for perfect examples of what you are trying to do in terms of formatting and style.
I'll revisit it if you make some serious style changes. I stopped after 2 pages because I couldn't tell what was really going on. |
Serene Repose
Saanen Freight Service
953
|
Posted - 2014.02.27 18:48:00 -
[6] - Quote
My theory? It sure must be easy to get a degree these days. I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility toward every form of tyranny over the mind of man.-á |
Mr Epeen
It's All About Me
4262
|
Posted - 2014.02.27 18:50:00 -
[7] - Quote
For a sum of ISK to be negotiated, I will rewrite that mess into a concise and legible paper that the TA might not toss without bothering to read more than six lines of.
Mr Epeen There are 86,400 seconds in a day. You just saved one of them by typing 'u' instead of 'you'.-á Congratulations, dumbass! |
Batelle
HOMELE55
1964
|
Posted - 2014.02.27 19:04:00 -
[8] - Quote
Krixtal Icefluxor wrote:Batelle wrote: Putting large portions of an interview transcript directly into an essay is a SIN.
Wrong. Utterly wrong. It's just thankfully rare. And you make critical comments with no real opinions, or information of what's wrong, and clearly no citations from the text. You want the OP to write better and you offer nothing. Talk about Trolling.............. If OP needs lessons in writing, you need lessons in how to actually talk to other people. That's much sadder.
That's not what trolling means. I made critical comments because they were both completely warranted and explicitly solicited. Being any less blunt about it would do the OP a disservice. Any self-respecting educational professional would be equally blunt in person. Cataloging many more of the issues here would have been insulting and time consuming (I did take the time to read through most of it). I would suggest to the OP that he should find some time to schedule a meeting at the writing center of his college or university where he can get the 1-on-1 attention to work on this. Most places have such a writing center, because most have recognized that there are many students, both international and domestic, that are very much lacking in these kinds of writing skills.
And if you think this was an appropriate use of an interview transcript, then you're clueless. "CCP is changing policy, and has asked that we discontinue the bonus credit program after November 7th. So until then, enjoy a super-bonus of 1B Blink Credit for each 60-day GTC you buy!"
Never forget. |
Ginger Barbarella
Caldari Provisions Caldari State
1878
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Posted - 2014.02.27 22:43:00 -
[9] - Quote
Sorry, but I couldn't get more than a couple pages into it, for reasons others have noted. I'd suggest rewriting it after learning more about writing and style. I'm assuming this wasn't converted from a language other that English; if it was, I apologize, but the translation didn't come across well at all.
Once it's cleaned up and written correctly (ie, something that is worthy of publication) I'd love to read it. "Blow it all on Quafe and strippers." --- Sorlac |
Qweasdy
Justified Chaos
76
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Posted - 2014.02.27 23:05:00 -
[10] - Quote
I'm going to have to assume it's a translation from another language, if not you seriously need to have a good read through it yourself, I couldn't make it past the first few pages. This is a terrible thread. As such, it's locked. - CCP Falcon
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Scipio Artelius
The Vendunari End of Life
464
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Posted - 2014.02.27 23:11:00 -
[11] - Quote
For all of the critical feedback, I'd just like to say congrats on seeking and being so open to feedback on a real world issue from what is essentially a group of strangers in a public environment.
Not too many people studying ever take that step and it takes something special to do it.
I read the piece, but couldn't get past the urge to want to rewrite it to add a bit more clarity to the arguments, but I didn't want to risk insulting you by taking that step. I would instead, echo several of the earlier points.
But overall you've shown more guts than I ever showed when I was studying at university. eve-bazaar - I'm not associated with them, but support it as a worthwhile service |
Petrus Blackshell
Rifterlings Point Blank Alliance
2975
|
Posted - 2014.02.27 23:28:00 -
[12] - Quote
Scipio Artelius wrote:But overall you've shown more guts than I ever showed when I was at university and good luck in your study. I once posted a thing I wrote for school to the web and I was laughed at for being naive.
OP, I do not have time to proofread/edit the entire thing right now, but I did notice some stuff in need of improvement. Try to clear your mind and read through your paper as if you'd never seen it before, looking for the following:
- Run-on sentences
- Missing or superfluous commas. Enunciate the text in your head, and take short breaks where there are commas. You will notice some stuff sounding "odd". For example, "there have been around 19 expansions all of which were released for free" needs a comma between "expansions" and "all".
- Superfluous capitalization. Corporations, alliance, coalitions, players, radio, etc are all common nouns and should not be capitalized.
- Formatting. You appear to use two types of text: unformatted 12-point text in single-spaced lines, and huge 18 (?) point text for headings. Some headings are not marked appropriately, lists are missing bullet points, quotes blend into text, etc. You may want to look at the a MLA Style Guide and apply it to your essay. It would hugely improve its readability.
- Be careful with abbreviations. The Wikipedia page on Uses and gratifications theory does not use the "grats" abbreviation even once, and it is designed to be far less formal and more terse than your paper is.
I don't really have comments on the content as that is an entirely different beast, but I hope this stuff helps you improve the paper's readability. Rifterlings - small gang frigate PvP - lowsec pirate operation, newbie-friendly, free ship program; Join today! www.rifterlings.com
Accidentally The Whole Frigate (blog) - Learning how to pew pew, one loss at a time - www.thewholefrigate.com |
Erotica 1
Krypteia Operations CODE.
3912
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Posted - 2014.02.27 23:38:00 -
[13] - Quote
I'll read the Cliifs notes version here after this thread has been developed some more by the GD inhabitants.
Speaking of essays, it would be really cool if James 315 would post a dissertation. I read his stuff fully and by the end I'm left wanting more on the topics. See Bio for isk doubling rules. If you didn't read bio, chances are you funded those who did. |
Scipio Artelius
The Vendunari End of Life
464
|
Posted - 2014.02.27 23:51:00 -
[14] - Quote
Erotica 1 wrote:Speaking of essays, it would be really cool if James 315 would post a dissertation. I read his stuff fully and by the end I'm left wanting more on the topics. His writing is clever, but you want them to be longer? eve-bazaar - I'm not associated with them, but support it as a worthwhile service |
Kimmi Chan
Tastes Like Purple
1620
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Posted - 2014.02.27 23:55:00 -
[15] - Quote
I may be guilty of nitpicking since it's been a while for me but the thesis statement of this paper is relatively weak. It would be a lot easier to read if I knew what Fan Theory is and what it is you intend to illustrate (with words) in the coming paragraphs.
"In this essay I am going to explore the application of various "Fan Theories"...
I'm afraid it just isn't clearly defined. I recognized that the intended reader is a TA that likely knows what Fan Theory is, but to the common reader, you might want to add a few more brush strokes (with words).
It also doesn't draw me in. Why is this important? Why should I bother reading it? What incentive is there?
For a rough draft it's just fine, but for a finished work that you want to be proud to have your name on, you're going to want to rewrite it. "Grr Kimmi-á Nerf Chans!" ~Jenn aSide
www.eve-radio.com -áJoin Eve Radio channel in game! |
Michael Ruckert
Federal Navy Academy Gallente Federation
80
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Posted - 2014.02.28 05:27:00 -
[16] - Quote
Read essay. Thought I was in rookie chat. Recommend OP train up appropriate skill levels and do revision. "No matter how well you perform there's always somebody of intelligent opinion who thinks it's lousy." - Laurence Olivier |
James Amril-Kesh
4S Corporation Goonswarm Federation
9087
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Posted - 2014.02.28 06:50:00 -
[17] - Quote
Serene Repose wrote:My theory? It sure must be easy to get a degree these days. Depends on the degree for sure. Mine would never ask me to apply a "fan theory" (whatever that is, I'm guessing its some sociological concept) to a "media text". I'm sure that's difficult in its own right though, provided you're actually being graded critically. "Pretty much all 14 of the CSM were in favor of a drone assign nerf for OBVIOUS gameplay reasons" - Sala Cameron
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Divine Entervention
The Lonetrek Militia Rapidus Incitus Pactum
60
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Posted - 2014.02.28 07:03:00 -
[18] - Quote
I would suggest adding to your article how it's possible that someone choosing to lie to you and steal from you in EVE may very well mean that he's the type of person who would do so to your face as well.
It will make the article more interesting, because it's being a possibility is fact. |
Sturmwolke
506
|
Posted - 2014.02.28 07:51:00 -
[19] - Quote
I'll make is short :) Trash it and redo. The main bulk is incoherent. Too much chaff (superfluous amount amount of useless quotes), none of the analyses make proper/convincing sense and there is no structure to the whole article. |
Xia Kairui
United System's Commonwealth
71
|
Posted - 2014.02.28 09:32:00 -
[20] - Quote
Damn, I wrote a long reply and it got lost somehow.
I found your essay really hard to read for several reasons.
The elevated footnotes break up the line spacing Long sentences make me forget what they started with by the time I am in the middle. It took you 500 letters to say "I asked if people play EVE because it's Sci-Fi". Typos, unfinished sentences and wrong words; "seams" instead of "seems" and so on. Unneeded abbreviations. EVE is a "...Space Sim" ? Is there an expansion for "Sims 3 in Space", or were you too lazy to type out "simulator". Hint: being lazy is bad for grades You made the whole block around the interviews italic. The idea was probably to point out what other people said, but were too lazy and italized the whole block. See above hint. McQuail this, McQuail that. I assume he's some important guy in your field of study, but really, to me it feels as if every other paragraph starts with "McQuail notes". Might be due to the fact that I have no idea what field you're writing this for though.
After reading your essay I really have NO idea what your are talking about, and I had to force myself to read it. It simply drones on without any direction or goal. Obviously I also left your essay having learned nothing new, not even your point on the subject. Well, to be honest I have no idea what your subject even is. "Fan Theory" either needs to be explained or woven into your essay better than just putting it on the title.
In the end I guessed that you took four theories and tried to match which one describes EVE best. However you seem to have made up your mind first (which isn't that bad, see below) and focussed entirely on your pet theory, mentioning the others only in passing. If matching a theory was the main goal of the essay, you need to write that in the beginning, or use formatting to discern the chapters about the theories from others. Right now there is no visible difference between "Introduction" and "Uses And Gratifications". But - what has "Fan Theory" to do with those four things you mention? Is it the common name for them all? If you mentioned that, I totally missed it.
The interviews ... well, they appear to be done half-heartedly. As if the assignment stated "include interviews" or if the word count of the interviews was more important than what people said. Did you notice that Sigrun Arbose contradicted himself, saying "Communities are why I play this game, my corp is dead though so I am not in a real community, yet I am not looking for a new one"? Your whole essay could have revolved around that. Instead, it is being ignored.
Later you throw in a lot of events only insiders know about. Burn Jita, Hulkageddon, t20 are mentioned, all are very social events that have a lot of impact and could have been the focus of an essay by themselves. You mention them and move on. Mentally strip them away, and if your essay doesn't suffer from that omission, throw it out and use the space for something else.
It appears to me that you ran out of steams or energy or had fulfilled the required word count in the end. The conclusion doesn't conclude anything, it just seams (sorry, I had to do that) to be copied out from somewhere. It obviously isn't (or the source has "seams" issues too), but it reads as if it is.
If you would submit this essay to me I'd rate it VERY bad, mainly due to the fact that it doesn't follow any structure and doesn't make a point.
I'd rewrite this along this structure:
1) make up your mind what your essay is supposed to say in the end. The conclusion needs to be the first thing you think up. 2) start with the intro, explain EVE and the universe. Not that expansions are free, but that there are 50k players online and what they can do and how they communicate 3) slowly ease over from the individual player to groups. Why are there corps (please write corporations, writing "corps" is lazy)? Why do they form alliances? What's a coalition, and why do they exist? 4) show data, interviews, whatever 5) if the four theories are needed, present them here, compare how each matches with the stuff from 4) 6) Add McQuail if he desperately needs to be in 7) slowly direct the train of thought towards the goal made up in 1). Pick people and interview them, but focus on asking them questions that focus on your goal. Whether EVE is Sci-Fi or not is totally irrelevant to a socialogical study. 8) present your conclusion
And get your facts right. You write video games have "billions of players". Earth currently has 7 billion inhabitants. Is really at least 1/7th of them playing (computer) games?
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Ralph King-Griffin
Var Foundation inc.
328
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Posted - 2014.02.28 09:48:00 -
[21] - Quote
Love it when someone pokes the academics in the community, really highlights the difference between this one and the unwashed masses.
Good job General Discussion. If in doubt...do...excessively. |
Eternum Praetorian
Brutor Tribe Minmatar Republic
1084
|
Posted - 2014.02.28 13:29:00 -
[22] - Quote
Rebbeca Neresh, I wouldn't be too concerned about all of the collage graduate fry cooks in this thread claiming an overdeveloped sensitivity to writing style. The people who post here are doing so, in large part at least, to beat other people down. You could write an entire paper on that alone.
Ask your peers what they think about your essay and I bet you that they offer something more like constructive critiques and criticism. Here you will only receive self-righteous debauchery. One of the biggest problems with the Internet is that you do not know if you are talking to a professor who genuinly has issue with your writing style or some ADD flunky that couldn't make it through the front page of a newspaper (and comprehend it) if their life depended on it. Fiction can be fun, and the Internet lets even the lowliest and inept of creatures feel superior.
Basically, nothing to see here. Move along.
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Batelle
HOMELE55
1992
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Posted - 2014.02.28 14:34:00 -
[23] - Quote
Eternum Praetorian wrote:Rebbeca Neresh, I wouldn't be too concerned about all of the collage graduate fry cooks in this thread claiming an overdeveloped sensitivity to writing style. The people who post here are doing so, in large part at least, to beat other people down. You could write an entire paper on that alone.
Ask your peers what they think about your essay and I bet you that they offer something more like constructive critiques and criticism. Here you will only receive self-righteous debauchery. One of the biggest problems with the Internet is that you do not know if you are talking to a professor who genuinly has issue with your writing style or some ADD flunky that couldn't make it through the front page of a newspaper (and comprehend it) if their life depended on it. Fiction can be fun, and the Internet lets even the lowliest and inept of creatures feel superior.
Basically, nothing to see here. Move along.
At least we know what the word "debauchery" means. "CCP is changing policy, and has asked that we discontinue the bonus credit program after November 7th. So until then, enjoy a super-bonus of 1B Blink Credit for each 60-day GTC you buy!"
Never forget. |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
10518
|
Posted - 2014.02.28 17:39:00 -
[24] - Quote
Batelle wrote:Eternum Praetorian wrote:Rebbeca Neresh, I wouldn't be too concerned about all of the collage graduate fry cooks in this thread claiming an overdeveloped sensitivity to writing style. The people who post here are doing so, in large part at least, to beat other people down. You could write an entire paper on that alone.
Ask your peers what they think about your essay and I bet you that they offer something more like constructive critiques and criticism. Here you will only receive self-righteous debauchery. One of the biggest problems with the Internet is that you do not know if you are talking to a professor who genuinly has issue with your writing style or some ADD flunky that couldn't make it through the front page of a newspaper (and comprehend it) if their life depended on it. Fiction can be fun, and the Internet lets even the lowliest and inept of creatures feel superior.
Basically, nothing to see here. Move along. At least we know what the word "debauchery" means.
Maybe he was really going for "Douchebaggery" and autocorrect had a go at it.... Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Rebbeca Neresh
Green Associates
0
|
Posted - 2014.02.28 18:17:00 -
[25] - Quote
Hello EveO, i welcome your thoughts and opinions, and i understand that perhaps including nearly 600 words of quotes was a little to much, my style verbose and perhaps i did make some if not a lot of sweeping accusations.
however i made this accusations after, correctly or not coming to them myself though my own interpretation. it is in the hands of a professional to look at and give feedback and perhaps a grade.
I will of course update you on this. }
in the mean time i need to plan and write my next piece a nice and short 2000 word piece about my escapades in Eve this past 7-10 or so years.
Love You All - Reb |
Batelle
HOMELE55
1995
|
Posted - 2014.02.28 18:25:00 -
[26] - Quote
Rebbeca Neresh wrote:in the mean time i need to plan and write my next piece a nice and short 2000 word piece about my escapades in Eve this past 7-10 or so years.
Love You All - Reb
Best of luck, would be interested to read it. Everyone loves reading about that kind of thing. "CCP is changing policy, and has asked that we discontinue the bonus credit program after November 7th. So until then, enjoy a super-bonus of 1B Blink Credit for each 60-day GTC you buy!"
Never forget. |
Kristalll
Valkyrie Professional Resources
18
|
Posted - 2014.02.28 18:41:00 -
[27] - Quote
Divine Entervention wrote:I would suggest adding to your article how it's possible that someone choosing to lie to you and steal from you in EVE may very well mean that he's the type of person who would do so to your face as well.
It will make the article more interesting, because it's being a possibility is fact.
It certainly is fact that anybody could choose to do anything at any time. Saying it's possible the old lady behind you in line at Wal-mart would pull a knife out and stab you doesn't make for a decent discussion though.
What I think you meant to say was "Someone choosing to lie to you in EVE means they are MORE likely to do so in real life than someone who is a carebear." This however is far from fact (as there aren't any conclusive studies) and would make your last sentence false.
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Kristalll
Valkyrie Professional Resources
18
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Posted - 2014.02.28 18:53:00 -
[28] - Quote
Rebbeca Neresh wrote:Hello EveO, i welcome your thoughts and opinions, and i understand that perhaps including nearly 600 words of quotes was a little to much, my style verbose and perhaps i did make some if not a lot of sweeping accusations.
however i made this accusations after, correctly or not coming to them myself though my own interpretation. it is in the hands of a professional to look at and give feedback and perhaps a grade.
I will of course update you on this. }
in the mean time i need to plan and write my next piece a nice and short 2000 word piece about my escapades in Eve this past 7-10 or so years.
Love You All - Reb
Personally I never made it to the "sweeping accusations" because the style left me confused.
And I would be absolutely willing to help you out on a future work.
Example of my writing: http://sett.com/podborn/eve-online-haven-of-backstabbers-thieves-sociopaths
A little rough but it was only written for a small website, hardly a college essay haha. |
Kimmi Chan
Tastes Like Purple
1667
|
Posted - 2014.02.28 22:48:00 -
[29] - Quote
Batelle wrote:Rebbeca Neresh wrote:in the mean time i need to plan and write my next piece a nice and short 2000 word piece about my escapades in Eve this past 7-10 or so years.
Love You All - Reb Best of luck, would be interested to read it. Everyone loves reading about that kind of thing.
If it's written by a Gallente, I always like the ones that end with:
Quote:"FIRE! FIRE! Someone put out that fire! Quick before it gets to the... NOOOOOO!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrgh......"
And then the potato exploded.
Yep! Those are my favorites!!!
"Grr Kimmi-á Nerf Chans!" ~Jenn aSide
www.eve-radio.com -áJoin Eve Radio channel in game! |
Divine Entervention
The Lonetrek Militia Rapidus Incitus Pactum
91
|
Posted - 2014.02.28 23:01:00 -
[30] - Quote
Kristalll wrote:Divine Entervention wrote:I would suggest adding to your article how it's possible that someone choosing to lie to you and steal from you in EVE may very well mean that he's the type of person who would do so to your face as well.
It will make the article more interesting, because it's being a possibility is fact. It certainly is fact that anybody could choose to do anything at any time. Saying it's possible the old lady behind you in line at Wal-mart would pull a knife out and stab you doesn't make for a decent discussion though. What I think you meant to say was "Someone choosing to lie to you in EVE means they are MORE likely to do so in real life than someone who is a carebear." This however is far from fact (as there aren't any conclusive studies) and would make your last sentence false.
Well, that person has demonstrated a desire to do so already. . . So you might as well not risk it since they've proven they're the type of person who enjoys that kind of things. |
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