Vladimir Norkoff
Crimson Knights Trade Federation Thundering Mantis
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Posted - 2006.10.05 03:17:00 -
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In this just breaking news! The Straw Hat Pirates have cancelled their long standing non-aggression pact with Wrath of Khaine (WROK), a simpering band of "anti-pirates" who often mince about the low sec systems in various poorly fitted Caldari wrecks.. Utilizing blob tactics and constant smack, WROK has been a continuous burr for lone asset redistributors simply trying to do an honest day's work.. Many a buccaneer has suspected the SHTP-WROK NAP would die a well-deserved and much anticipated death, yet none envisioned it happening quite so quickly.. When approached for comment about WROK, the heroic Straw Hat squadleader Black Ace said "Yeah, they just got to be a bunch of tediously annoying sissy b@stards"..
Shortly afterwards, this roving reporter was imbedded in a Straw Hat unit consisting of Black Ace, Wellysan, and 101 Proof to get to know these fine gentlemen and observe their prowess first hand.. While peacefully loittering about space, observing the stars and pondering galatic peace, the Straw Hat unit was immediately beset by an entirely unprovoked stream of smack and vile insults from WROK hooligans and their toady CVA cohorts.. Shocked and confused by the harsh words, the noble Straw Hats attempted to meet one of the WROKs to discuss the matter in a civilized and face to face manner.. Through the use of excellent scanning work they were able to locate one Tazim Celestine in an asteroid belt.. Warping in, we found ourselves outnumbered and outgunned by a menacing Caldari Scorpion battleship!!.. Instantly locked and aggressed the Straw Hat band had no choice but to attempt to defend itself, dragging this reporter into the conflict.. Gruesomely outnumbered, outgunned, and outmatched we heedlessly charged into the face of certain death!.. The battle quickly evolved into an Electronic Warfare duel, pitting Wellysan's scrappy little cruiser against the hulking Battleship monstrosity.. Nimbly shooting down cruise missles, stoicly sufferring catastrophic blows, and using every ounce of his electronic knowledge, the brave Wellysan was just able to hold his own against his overpowering ECM foe.. And then, just as Wellysan began to get the upperhand in his mismatched fight, the villainous Serenity Celestine warped-in and further outnumbered our struggling group with a vicious Caracal..
Seeing the situation was grim indeed, this reporter had little choice but to throw himself in the path of the rampaging missile ship, hoping to blunt the new attack.. Nos flared, light missiles blazed away, and drones did their best to peck through the Caracal's shields! Yet still the missile beast continued to spew it's deadly payload at our beleagured forces.. 101 Proof's battlecruiser sufferred horribly from the combined focus of two Caldari ships (which as any forum post will tell you, are grossly overpowered).. Then, as all seemed lost, the valiant Black Ace turned his attention from the Scorpion, swooped in on the Caracal, and annihilated the cruiser with a few well-placed laser beams.. Suddenly the tide turned! The Scorpion was deep into armor, our little band had regathered ourselves in the face of a superior enemy, and just as we were about to lay the coup de grace on the wicked battleship, the cowardly dog somehow evaded our scrams and warped away!!..
Acknowledging the superior firepower, prowess, tactics, and the moral justification of pirates in general, the Wrath of Khaine forces fled the system leaving Straw Hat (and this reporter) in full uncontested control of the system.. When interviewed later, Serenity the Caracal pilot could only whimper in a fetal position next to her pod and mumble that it "wasn't fair" and that she was "suppossed to win".. However, Tazim the Scorpion pilot was more forthcoming stating "If I had more low slots I coulda fit more stabs and run away sooner!"
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