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PoPa
Gallente The Renegade Order Interstellar Alcohol Conglomerate
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Posted - 2007.06.22 06:49:00 -
[1]
Don't even f***g say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get fat.
I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. the f**k.
The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont f*****g tell you...
Except in tiny print you cant read without a f****g electron microscope
...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."
Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding.
So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow.
Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes ****ting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What the f**k?! What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then?
So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You f****g Pringle bastards.
I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff.
The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole ******* roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So.
I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean.
That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so f****g foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage.
So I grabbed the bar of saop and went to work.
You f****g Pringle bastards.
The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the f****g grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that **** again.
F****g Pringle bastards.
This is where the joke about "anal leakage" came from. its real. F**k Pringles.
--------------------------------------- - Signed, PoPa!
- = Join The Renegade Order Now! = - |
Ghostshadow
AFK Corp
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Posted - 2007.06.22 06:58:00 -
[2]
This thread delivers (literally!). --
Under new ownership since 20th June '07 |
Cowgirl Nuggets
Minmatar Nugget Factory
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Posted - 2007.06.22 07:28:00 -
[3]
omfg, this is the funniest **** I have read in a long time!! I'm at work right now, I hope no one walks by my office while I'm LOL'n at the computer
Maybe some dish soap like Joy or something would help since it cuts through grease?
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MassonA
Caldari coracao ardente Triumvirate.
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Posted - 2007.06.22 08:03:00 -
[4]
once you pop you just cant stop
no mods please |
Indra Sebuchiore
Sebiestor tribe
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Posted - 2007.06.22 08:14:00 -
[5]
Post stolen from the interwebs:
Example 1
Example 2 __________________________________________ "In girum imus nocte, et consumimur igni."
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Cathy Penflam
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Posted - 2007.06.22 08:18:00 -
[6]
Damn, I've just thrown up on my keyboard |
ParMizaN
Body Count Inc. Mercenary Coalition
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Posted - 2007.06.22 09:53:00 -
[7]
When posting something like that, give the credit where it's due
Funny story, I read it when it was first posted here bout a year ago
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Kindakrof
Caldari Cruor Frater Coalition of Carebear Killers
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Posted - 2007.06.22 10:10:00 -
[8]
So you're sure it wasn't just the hardballin you gor the night before? --- --- ---
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Daedalus DuGalle
Gallente University of Caille
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Posted - 2007.06.22 10:16:00 -
[9]
OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND UNHOLY!!!
Originally by: Janu Hull Nothing says gritty cynicism like a 1 ISK note wedged between a pair of silicone enhanced knockers.
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PoPa
Gallente The Renegade Order Interstellar Alcohol Conglomerate
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Posted - 2007.06.22 10:30:00 -
[10]
Give credit? Stolen... yada yada
Sure.. if I knew who to give credit to.. it's been posted a gazillion places on the internet.... --------------------------------------- - Signed, PoPa!
- = Join The Renegade Order Now! = - |
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Fink Angel
Caldari The Merry Men
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Posted - 2007.06.22 10:48:00 -
[11]
There was a disclaimer on the first fat free crisps to hit UK shelves that said "WARNING: May Cause Anal Seepage".
Kinda put me off the idea TBH.
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Sokratesz
Paradox v2.0 Interstellar Alcohol Conglomerate
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Posted - 2007.06.22 11:35:00 -
[12]
light /fat free / sugar free / whatever-they-put-on-the-label-to-make-you-buy-it products make me giggle. my body needs nutrients, food and a healthy dose of chocolate, nothing will stop me from feeding it properly!
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jason hill
Caldari Nightmare Holdings Sylph Alliance
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Posted - 2007.06.22 11:46:00 -
[13]
destroy everything you touch |
Fink Angel
Caldari The Merry Men
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Posted - 2007.06.22 12:25:00 -
[14]
Originally by: Sokratesz light /fat free / sugar free / whatever-they-put-on-the-label-to-make-you-buy-it products make me giggle. my body needs nutrients, food and a healthy dose of chocolate, nothing will stop me from feeding it properly!
It makes me laugh to see "fat free" emblazoned all over products that are clearly very heavy in sugar.
Tate & Lyle's pure sugar - 100% fat free.
Doesn't make it healthy, but does confuse the hell out of thick people!
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Araxmas
The Blue Dagger Mercenery Agency
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Posted - 2007.06.22 12:30:00 -
[15]
Edited by: Araxmas on 22/06/2007 12:30:53 Oh god im crying with laughter here.. ..epic
edit: aw it wasnt true... --------
Robbie Rotten left me |
Brolly
Caldari Morphic field
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Posted - 2007.06.22 13:18:00 -
[16]
rotflmao!, that was so inappropriately funny
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Doomed Predator
Xoth Inc Firmus Ixion
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Posted - 2007.06.22 13:25:00 -
[17]
LOL, i needed a good laught so thanks m8
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Gungankllr
Caldari STK Scientific
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Posted - 2007.06.22 14:10:00 -
[18]
When I was in the Marines, I took my platoon out on a beach run at Camp Pendleton.
We started at Del Mar Beach (21 area) and ran northish for about 4 miles before we turned back.
About halfway back, one of my guys is literally bending over when he runs, he yells
"Sergeant, I'm gonna **** myself!"
So I yell for him to go in the ocean, and we run in a circle until he gets done.
So anyhow, my young PFC thought it would be a good idea to take his PT shorts completely off, and stand on them.
Big mistake.
if you've ever been to camp pendleton, the sand there along the beachfront has this wierd tendency to disappear beneath your feet when a wave comes in.
So my PFC lost his shorts in the surf.
All my guys are laughing their collective asses off, and I'm not about to order anybody into the surf to help him find his shorts where genius just shot fire from his netherregion.
So this poor kid is running back and forth along the beach with nothing but a green t-shirt on, running shoes and socks.
So FINALLY (after about 10 minutes) he finds his shorts.
Gets them back on, and we take off again.
So anyhow, we get no more than 100 yards before he takes off into the surf again, and everybody is laughing hysterically.
I give up on trying to keep everyone running at this point.
Standard procedure when somebody falls behind or does something dumb is to make the rest of the platoon pay, but we were all laughing too hard.
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ivar R'dhak
STK Scientific
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Posted - 2007.06.22 14:14:00 -
[19]
Edited by: ivar R''dhak on 22/06/2007 14:14:49 Old but very funny (@ OP)! On par with the dude that tried out the little taser he bought for his wifey on himself.
As a personal story: I stopped eating any Pringles after I had some kind of gastro intestinal infection. Complete with projectile vomiting and night and day long sensations of abnormal frequency and fluidity of fecal evacuations(diarrhea).
Right before the fun started I ate a pack of normal Paprika Pringles.
After I was done with vomiting and washing out the foul regurgitated food taste I still had the paprika flavor of these damn Pringles on my tongue!
Finally understanding that there¦s something unholy about them, I never put one in my mouth again. _ Mal-`Appears we got here just in a nick of time. What does that make us?¦ Zoe-¦Big damn heroes sir.¦ Mal-¦Aint we just.¦ |
Dark Shikari
Caldari Imperium Technologies Firmus Ixion
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Posted - 2007.06.22 14:29:00 -
[20]
OH LAWD IS DAT SUM COPYPASTA?
Appears to be some copypasta
23 Member
EVE Video makers: save EVE-files bandwidth! Use the H.264 AutoEncoder! |
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TEHBLINDMAN
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Posted - 2007.06.22 14:37:00 -
[21]
BEST THREAD EVER LOL! ! !!
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Miki Fin
Gallente Independant Union of Rangers
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Posted - 2007.06.22 19:08:00 -
[22]
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
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lofty29
Infinitus Odium
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Posted - 2007.06.22 19:15:00 -
[23]
...my mom got scared and said "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air" ---
Project Mayhem |
Xrak
Black Eclipse Corp Band of Brothers
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Posted - 2007.06.22 20:38:00 -
[24]
It's a templar, an amarrian fighter for carriers.
Sig stolen from Tekka. Evemail him for details about free sigs. <3 |
Barbarellas Daughter
Lonely Barbarella
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Posted - 2007.06.22 21:11:00 -
[25]
lol. sounds familar ____________________________________________
Originally by: Marduk Felzhen You have an amazing cleavage, except you have no arms :(
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Calderio
Caldari Black Nova Corp Band of Brothers
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Posted - 2007.06.22 22:27:00 -
[26]
i almost sharted laughing so hard reading this tread
listen to me on bob radio, heavy metal, random babbling, and live forum coverage. |
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Deckard Bishop
Forum Moderator Interstellar Services Department
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Posted - 2007.06.22 22:51:00 -
[27]
profanity = clickey
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