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Arvald
Caldari House of Tempers
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Posted - 2007.08.20 07:42:00 -
[1]
Ok here is my first attempt at a story so please if your going to flame, be gentle.
The call went out in our corporations comm channel, one of out pilots was locked down in an asteroid belt by an inusrsus and a riter, his shields were dropping and his omen was not fit to tank much damage. I was the only one in Amamake that night who had a combat ready ship, a Manticore aptly named God Of War VI.
I undocked from the station and proceeded to warp to the belt at 100 kilometers, but to my surprise when i dropped out of warp they were a mere 30 kilometers from me,far to close for my likening. The Rifter pilot was the first of the two that spotted me. He was closing the distance fast, approaching me like a bird of prey who just spotted his meal, 29 kilometers, 24 kilometers, he was using a Microwarpdrive if i was going to do something i had to do it fast.
I kicked on my sensor booster and as soon as i had a lock i turned on my target painter. I activated my three cruse missile launchers at the same time, good thing i fitted Caldari navy modified ammo. When the first volley hit him it completely wrecked his shields and almost all of his armor, but dammit i forgot to fit a warp disruptor the bastard got away.
I had forgotten all about the incursus and my corp mates omen, his armor was starting to drop dangerously low. so i locked the other frigate and launched another volley of missiles. It seemed like an eternity before they hit him, YES direct hit, i destroyed his frigate in one volley score one for House Of Tempers. me and the omen warped back to the station and docked for repairs and some much needed relaxation (quafe and exotic dancers anyone ) forum warrior in training ya cant stop the rokh
Originally by: Tsia Yarrr, server be down
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Mindhack
Silent Scream
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Posted - 2007.08.20 08:01:00 -
[2]
squish went the frig
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DudTrap
The Phoenix Rising FreeFall Securities
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Posted - 2007.08.20 08:42:00 -
[3]
You kind of contradict yourself there :D
Quote: but to my surprise when i dropped out of warp they were a mere 30 kilometers from me,far to close for my likening.
Target painters only work from 30k max, but anyway, you really dont need a target painter on a bomber. The bombers get a bonus to smaller targets:
Quote: In addition, stealth bombers' extremely advanced missile navigation subroutines are able to triangulate a cruise missile's trajectory in advance, resulting in a decreased factor of signature radius and making the missile more effective against smaller targets.
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2007.08.20 08:49:00 -
[4]
Overall - Good first effort. But who are you? Who are you fighting? Why do we (the readers) care?.. Sure it's a vignette of combat, but it needs some empathy factor to be memorable.. Plus the development of who you are helps develop the story. Are you the grizzled merc on a mission? The noble anti-pie defending the weak and powerless? The sociopathic scumbag pirate who'd slit his own mother's throat for an ISK? Who you are develops the overall feel of the story (and any that follow)..
Style - Develop one. You're bouncing back and forth between flowery ("approaching me like a bird of prey who just spotted his meal"), and direct & gritty ("I kicked on my sensor booster and as soon as i had a lock").. Stick with one or the other for the moment.. The overall feel kinda connects with this.. The flowery grizzled merc might be interesting, but it'd be an utter beatch to pull off..
Pacing - You're fast when you're slow, and slow when you're fast.. If the missiles take an eternity, then they leap from their launchers, streaming towards their target XXkm away, your mate's armor dropping quickly, the missiles home in, leaping across the final few kilometers, blah blah blah.. Basically, if it takes more time, use more words to stretch out the time and build suspense.. Short? Use less..
Keep up the good work.
Taxman II: Amarr Safari
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Tamiryth Kerenyi
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Posted - 2007.08.20 12:17:00 -
[5]
Edited by: Tamiryth Kerenyi on 20/08/2007 12:18:45 So... An omen was losing to a rifter and an incursus?
Edit: and then losing to an incursus on its own?
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Duncan Bannatyne
Native Freshfood
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Posted - 2007.08.20 12:40:00 -
[6]
The rifter should of trans'd your first set of missiles, oh well :|
I went up against a stealth bomber gang yestaurday in my sabre.. shame to say i dont see bomb's on my overview and got caught with my pants down (mwd on, moving slowly) when a bomb went off.. INSTAPOP.. lose. Duncan Bannatyne
The Dragons Are Taking Over... |
Shady Fark
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Posted - 2007.08.21 02:12:00 -
[7]
Ah thats funny, I was in a Nemesis and did that to a Sabre a few days ago....
How many cruises hit you before the bomb went off? My Nemi didnt pop (went to 25% armor) so i figured you must have taken a few hits before the bomb touched you.
Gate/Outpost camping with SB's around is no longer going to be an easy task...
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Fallen Elite
Executive Mindframe
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Posted - 2007.08.21 05:00:00 -
[8]
Originally by: Tamiryth Kerenyi Edited by: Tamiryth Kerenyi on 20/08/2007 12:18:45 So... An omen was losing to a rifter and an incursus?
Edit: and then losing to an incursus on its own?
That's what I was thinking. =| ------
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Modrak Vseth
Veto. Academy Veto Corp
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Posted - 2007.08.21 05:12:00 -
[9]
Good first attempt. I liked Vladimir's feedback. The only thing I can really add is to have someone proofread. I'm not knocking you or anything and I know people often times post in a hurry, when they're tired, or they're first language isn't English. It just makes things move a little smoother when the reader isn't decyphering spelling and grammar mistakes. Besides, even "professional" writers have proofreaders.
Keep up the good work and expand on the story! signature removed - please resize it to be less than 120 pixels in height - Jacques([email protected]) |
ImmortaL ZoorZ
Coalition of Nations Mass Destruction.
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Posted - 2007.08.21 11:22:00 -
[10]
Ratting in Amamake... |
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Sol Basso
Merchants Trade Consortium
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Posted - 2007.08.24 14:31:00 -
[11]
What everyone wants to know is......
What do you fit in the 5th high slot?
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Saint Luka
Minmatar The Illuminati.
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Posted - 2007.08.24 14:45:00 -
[12]
Originally by: Shady Fark Ah thats funny, I was in a Nemesis and did that to a Sabre a few days ago....
How many cruises hit you before the bomb went off? My Nemi didnt pop (went to 25% armor) so i figured you must have taken a few hits before the bomb touched you.
Gate/Outpost camping with SB's around is no longer going to be an easy task...
I believe it was you who popped me, and i had quite a few hits but due to my trans they did all but jack damage, so i had pretty much full shield.
I thought you instapopped at first then cried at seeing myself in an egg with a bit of curiousity accross my face. I've still not posted the loss mail, our killboards dont register Scorch Bomb :|.
Eitherway you should of looted my can, i dont fly cheap ;p
And yeah, u had pretty much full/shield and armor, i just managed to get the alpha off before the bomb went off :\
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Kirex
Vale Heavy Industries Molotov Coalition
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Posted - 2007.08.24 14:47:00 -
[13]
An omen couldn't kill a rifter and incursus? But yea, stealth bombers are deadly to frigs. The rifter should have orbited you at 30KM, while the incursus went in for the kill.
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Kaaii
Caldari Omega Fleet Enterprises Executive Outcomes
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Posted - 2007.08.24 14:58:00 -
[14]
Originally by: DudTrap You kind of contradict yourself there :D
Target painters only work from 30k max, but anyway, you really dont need a target painter on a bomber. The bombers get a bonus to smaller targets:
Why do you say this?
Optimal on a t1 is 25km with a falloff of 50km....
"Id rather fall beside 10 Lions, than stand with 1000 sheep.."
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