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James Swindle
Caldari Caldari Provisions
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Posted - 2007.12.31 16:53:00 -
[1]
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up ôvocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to*****ney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
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James Swindle
Caldari Caldari Provisions
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Posted - 2007.12.31 16:54:00 -
[2]
6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
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James Swindle
Caldari Caldari Provisions
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Posted - 2007.12.31 16:55:00 -
[3]
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
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Patch86
Di-Tron Heavy Industries Atlas Alliance
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Posted - 2007.12.31 16:57:00 -
[4]
Very old, but still worth a giggle ------
Originally by: CCP Prism X There's no such thing as playing too much EvE! You all obviously need more accounts! |
Kappas.
Galaxy Punks
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Posted - 2007.12.31 17:05:00 -
[5]
Edited by: Kappas. on 31/12/2007 17:08:14 Funny, but the thread will probably get locked for it's "politicalness"
Edit:
Quote: You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
When Rab C. Nesbitt was shown in England, it was subtitled __________________
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Ademaro Imre
Caldari Eye of God
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Posted - 2007.12.31 17:06:00 -
[6]
The results of the petition
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James Swindle
Caldari Caldari Provisions
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Posted - 2007.12.31 17:13:00 -
[7]
lol
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jason hill
Caldari Nightmare Holdings Sylph Alliance
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Posted - 2007.12.31 17:20:00 -
[8]
very funney
destroy everything you touch |
annoing
Amarr MisFunk Inc. Frontline.
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Posted - 2007.12.31 17:30:00 -
[9]
/signed
Originally by: Ian Holloway Smooth as a cashmere codpiece
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Frezik
Basically Outdated Stereo Equiptment
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Posted - 2007.12.31 17:41:00 -
[10]
Originally by: James Swindle 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
I'll change my pronunciation of 'aluminum' when the Brits can pronounce the letter 'r'.
Quote: The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Get right on that as soon as a Brit can explain to me what that letter is doing there.
Quote: 2. There is no such thing as "US English."
There's no such thing as English. Ask any Norman invader. Chaucer can bugger off.
Quote: 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen"
Nay, God Attack the Queen.
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James Swindle
Caldari Caldari Provisions
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Posted - 2007.12.31 17:46:00 -
[11]
You fail with your reasoning.
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Kirjava
Lothian Quay Industries Zzz
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Posted - 2007.12.31 17:53:00 -
[12]
I doubt you will beleive me but I am saluting this one as a read it. God save the Queen, Rule Brittania. The sad thing is that for around 60% of it I can see the logic as flawless.
~Nyron
Originally by: SoftRevolution Not liking Haruhi is like not liking puppies or rainbows or whisky.
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Exlegion
Caldari New Light Hydra Alliance
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Posted - 2007.12.31 17:56:00 -
[13]
I sadly have to concur. And I'm a U.S. citizen.
One of us equals many of us. Disrespect one of us, you'll see plenty of us. - Guru |
Avery Fatwallet
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Posted - 2007.12.31 17:59:00 -
[14]
you shouldnt have dumped their tea in the first place, then you probably wouldnt be in that mess now.
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M00dy
Killed In Action The Crimson Federation
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Posted - 2007.12.31 18:10:00 -
[15]
Oh, I always wondered why I would hear zed on TS instead of zee. It came up when saying the letter of 0.0 system names.
RATatatatatat - Moody
Killed In Action The Crimson Federation |
Nar Shear
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Posted - 2007.12.31 18:12:00 -
[16]
Originally by: James Swindle You fail with your reasoning.
January 30, 1972
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Kirjava
Lothian Quay Industries Zzz
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Posted - 2007.12.31 18:15:00 -
[17]
In all honesty, I looked over some of the history and I keep coming back to a few points.
The Empire was at war with the powers of Spain and France, so paying for deffence is a given right? The people in the colonies had it good - they were lower than the average British citizen by a considerable amount. There was a local governence, the policies of the Empire came from the capital in London, a months travel so representation at parlaiment wouldn't work well, so local governments loyal to the crown were in place.
Conclusion, whoever started the rebellion was looking for an excuse and pounced on it when it was offered. What I allways laugh at is when it is displayed as if the US was the first country to have a democracy when Britain and France were the main ones of the age with the precursor of the Roman Republic.
~Nyron
Originally by: SoftRevolution Not liking Haruhi is like not liking puppies or rainbows or whisky.
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Avery Fatwallet
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Posted - 2007.12.31 18:16:00 -
[18]
Originally by: Nar Shear
Originally by: James Swindle You fail with your reasoning.
January 30, 1972
oh wow. one day. and what got the states?
thats right. pretty every fckin day these days.
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Elliot Reid
Digital Fury Corporation Digital Renegades
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Posted - 2007.12.31 18:19:00 -
[19]
I'd like to petition that the US takes "our" royal family and let those parasites sponge off them. I'd be very grateful __________________________________
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Nar Shear
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Posted - 2007.12.31 18:22:00 -
[20]
Originally by: Avery Fatwallet
oh wow. one day. and what got the states?
thats right. pretty every fckin day these days.
huh? your question doesn't make much sense.
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annoing
Amarr MisFunk Inc. Frontline.
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Posted - 2007.12.31 18:27:00 -
[21]
Originally by: Frezik
Get right on that as soon as a Brit can explain to me what that letter is doing there.
Well you used to have the 'u' the same as us, it was left out of your first American dictionary (Websters I believe it is). Why? Well popular history has it as thus.. he couldnt spell. Real reason? From Wiki: Quote: Noah Webster, the author of immensely popular readers and spelling books for schools, published his first dictionary, A Compendious Dictionary of the English Language, in 1806. In it, he introduced features that would be a hallmark of future editions such as American spellings (center rather than centre, honor rather than honour, program rather than programme, etc.)
Spelt as they are spoken, not spelt to any history of language and its origins. That is why Americans leave it out.
Quote: Nay, God Attack the Queen.
Now you're just being stupid.
Originally by: Ian Holloway Smooth as a cashmere codpiece
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Kirjava
Lothian Quay Industries Zzz
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Posted - 2007.12.31 18:29:00 -
[22]
Edited by: Kirjava on 31/12/2007 18:32:19 I move one further, abolish Canada, the UK, the USA, Australia and New Zealand and implement the British Federation - we all speak English and with digital communications we could pull it off.
~Nyron
Originally by: SoftRevolution Not liking Haruhi is like not liking puppies or rainbows or whisky.
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Elienee
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Posted - 2007.12.31 18:31:00 -
[23]
Replacing a fat ignorant warlike group of people, with fat inbreed redhaired hooligan people... Im not sure what is the best for the world.
/unsure if I should sign this one...
I vote China. At least they are honest about what they are doing |
Fink Angel
Caldari The Merry Men
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Posted - 2007.12.31 18:33:00 -
[24]
Can I recommend English: The Mother Tongue by Bill Bryson to anyone interested in seeing why the language has changed over the years between the UK and the USA, and even as settlers spread across the USA. It's a very good read.
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Keorythe
Caldari Terra Rosa Militia Sev3rance
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Posted - 2007.12.31 18:34:00 -
[25]
Um..how exactly do you plan on getting the tax collectors and other enforcement agents to the US. I mean your navy sucks bigtime. The Norway is too busy bouncing cruise liners off of icebergs to lend you its fleet.
If you wait for another year or two we should be finishing up this little spat in Iraq and we will be more than happy to "escort" anyone you wish to send over for a nominal fee of course. Euro's only please.
Question: Does that mean we have to grow bad teeth?
Question: Do all of our women get to go by UK standards thereby allowing our "chubby" girls to be counted as "normal" sized?
Question: Does this mean we have to go completely "retro" in music taste and/or start pumping out really bad techno by the boatloads? Talking "over the rainbow" and "hobbits to isengard" techno as serious music not jokes.
Question: Does this mean we have to understand bad english humor now? I mean I dont think even the Swedish get most of the humor.
Question: Do our soldiers have to do that funky foot stomp when turning?
Question: Since we can't get our hip-hop (chav) or Louisiana types to speak american english even fairly well, who do you plan to bring over to get them to speak UK english?
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Patch86
Di-Tron Heavy Industries Atlas Alliance
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Posted - 2007.12.31 18:44:00 -
[26]
Originally by: Keorythe Um..how exactly do you plan on getting the tax collectors and other enforcement agents to the US. I mean your navy sucks bigtime. The Norway is too busy bouncing cruise liners off of icebergs to lend you its fleet.
If you wait for another year or two we should be finishing up this little spat in Iraq and we will be more than happy to "escort" anyone you wish to send over for a nominal fee of course. Euro's only please.
Question: Does that mean we have to grow bad teeth?
Question: Do all of our women get to go by UK standards thereby allowing our "chubby" girls to be counted as "normal" sized?
Question: Does this mean we have to go completely "retro" in music taste and/or start pumping out really bad techno by the boatloads? Talking "over the rainbow" and "hobbits to isengard" techno as serious music not jokes.
Question: Does this mean we have to understand bad english humor now? I mean I dont think even the Swedish get most of the humor.
Question: Do our soldiers have to do that funky foot stomp when turning?
Question: Since we can't get our hip-hop (chav) or Louisiana types to speak american english even fairly well, who do you plan to bring over to get them to speak UK english?
PAYE Income tax Yes Americanmakingfatpersonjokesironyoverload Yes Yes Yes And a good education system might make a good start
Seriously though, humour thread dude, it's a humour thread ------
Originally by: CCP Prism X There's no such thing as playing too much EvE! You all obviously need more accounts! |
Kirjava
Lothian Quay Industries Zzz
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Posted - 2007.12.31 18:46:00 -
[27]
Originally by: Keorythe Um..how exactly do you plan on getting the tax collectors and other enforcement agents to the US. I mean your navy sucks bigtime. The Norway is too busy bouncing cruise liners off of icebergs to lend you its fleet.
Are you serious? If I am reading this right, you are saying that Britain - as in the Britain - has no Navy or perhaps that the Royal Navy - considered the second most deadly on earth just because the US has more ships it can throw it- is crap?
Quote:
If you wait for another year or two we should be finishing up this little spat in Iraq and we will be more than happy to "escort" anyone you wish to send over for a nominal fee of course. Euro's only please.
Okay.
Quote:
Question: Does that mean we have to grow bad teeth?
Tea has a property of strengthening teeth - by product is a more natural yellow. Technicaly speaking white teeth look better but are unhealthy.
Quote:
Question: Do all of our women get to go by UK standards thereby allowing our "chubby" girls to be counted as "normal" sized?
You realy don't want to go there, while there is a rising obesity problem here it is the same as the US in many respects, girls in my area weigh around 60-70kg by the looks of it.
Quote:
Question: Does this mean we have to go completely "retro" in music taste and/or start pumping out really bad techno by the boatloads? Talking "over the rainbow" and "hobbits to isengard" techno as serious music not jokes.
Does this matter? We allready have American bands doing gigs here and vice versa, both are English speaking and hence interchangable in both countries - nothing changes in this respect.
Quote:
Question: Does this mean we have to understand bad english humor now? I mean I dont think even the Swedish get most of the humor.
It is British humor, and the only swede I know greets me by calling me "HAG", I reply "FASCIST!". He gets it.
Quote:
Question: Do our soldiers have to do that funky foot stomp when turning?
With integration into the Royal Army, yes, please note that it is extra disipline and we lose less soldiers.
Quote:
Question: Since we can't get our hip-hop (chav) or Louisiana types to speak american english even fairly well, who do you plan to bring over to get them to speak UK english?
We realy don't care about this class of people if they act the same as the British Chav.
~Nyron
Originally by: SoftRevolution Not liking Haruhi is like not liking puppies or rainbows or whisky.
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MAXSuicide
Cosmic Fusion
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Posted - 2007.12.31 18:46:00 -
[28]
Originally by: Keorythe Um..how exactly do you plan on getting the tax collectors and other enforcement agents to the US. I mean your navy sucks bigtime. The Norway is too busy bouncing cruise liners off of icebergs to lend you its fleet.
If you wait for another year or two we should be finishing up this little spat in Iraq and we will be more than happy to "escort" anyone you wish to send over for a nominal fee of course. Euro's only please.
Question: Does that mean we have to grow bad teeth?
Question: Do all of our women get to go by UK standards thereby allowing our "chubby" girls to be counted as "normal" sized?
Question: Does this mean we have to go completely "retro" in music taste and/or start pumping out really bad techno by the boatloads? Talking "over the rainbow" and "hobbits to isengard" techno as serious music not jokes.
Question: Does this mean we have to understand bad english humor now? I mean I dont think even the Swedish get most of the humor.
Question: Do our soldiers have to do that funky foot stomp when turning?
Question: Since we can't get our hip-hop (chav) or Louisiana types to speak american english even fairly well, who do you plan to bring over to get them to speak UK english?
someone had to take it seriously.
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Asestorian
Domination.
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Posted - 2007.12.31 18:47:00 -
[29]
Some of the people in here don't quite get this. If you take this seriously you are stuck a little too far up your own arse.
---
MOZO
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Kirjava
Lothian Quay Industries Zzz
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Posted - 2007.12.31 18:49:00 -
[30]
Originally by: Asestorian Some of the people in here don't quite get this. If you take this seriously you are stuck a little too far up your own arse.
Problem is that although it is a joke, some bits are so true it is sad and not funny. My above reply was a serious response to a series of series of questiong - which came out as humorous from my point of view.
~Nyron
Originally by: SoftRevolution Not liking Haruhi is like not liking puppies or rainbows or whisky.
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