Demangel
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Posted - 2004.06.23 16:14:00 -
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To me a newb comes in three flavors, and unfortunately I have my own spellings(I guess this makes me something of a Newb? or are all of you the real Noobs?) 
Anyway, the wide world of noob:
Species 1: True noobie, not to be confused with the newb/newbie, or the straight up noob, the noobie, is generaly considers to be a lovable little creature. Full of charming ignornace, and never dares to cause a fuss over anything. They can be tricked into doing just about anything, and will gladly do the most boring task in any game (or real life situation for that matter), without so much as a hint of doubt. They are simply happy to be involved. The True noobie, while benevolent is anything other than harmless, it has a rather unsettling tendancy to get itself into lots of trouble and that trouble often causes headaches for you, as your often at the mercy of your concience and want desperately to save the little fellow from it's fate. Take precautions whenever giving the True Noobie a complex task to perform. Even a simple trip to another zone, or location in a game can prove maddening when a noobie is a member of the party, if you say go east, they will not know how to access the clearly displayed compass icon on the screen. once they have figured that out, they will chirp happily, and proceed to travel west, somehow confusing the compass points in one way or another.... Noobies are almost always found cowering in terror of the grieficus maximus (Page 666 of the gamers handbook), but even a run in with one of those terrible denizens of the low places, doesn't seem to squish the spirit of the true noobie... because you see... true noobies are made of nerfed foam rubber, and can take almost any punishement.
Species 2: Newb, this species of creature is a lot less cute than the noobie... they lack the cheerful nature of the true noobie, but retain all the drawbacks of being a related species. the Newb can in fact be a pleasant companion, and is often less maddening than the true noobie. this is because they are prone to less mindless errors, and tend to pick up things a bit faster, however they arn't as cute, and do not inspire as much compassion... For example a True Noobie could for instance, screw something up and get an entire party slaughtered, but through the grace of it's inexorable cuteness, it can avoid all but the gentlest of criticisms... more often than not however, when the newb gets the party killed, the newb is hung in the breeze as a jerk, idiot, or loser.
The Dark Noob: The dark noob is in fact a veteran player, who has played the game in question for a long time... However for one reason or another, they have become extremely bitter, and refuse to see the forest for the trees... These are the kinds of players who blame every shortcoming of thier fate, on some outside influence, especialy when it serves to make them seem less "Noobish." The Dark noob however has one stunningly effective power, and that is the power of the whine. They are capable of melting high strength steel with a single shrill whine. This often is quite random, or has little effect on others outside thier sphere of influence... however when Dark Noobs and carebears unite, it can be an unholy alliance. The vocalizations are powerful enough to frighten the mighty DEV into retreat. However nature always has it's counterbalancing force... The shrill sounds of the carebear, and the Dark Noob, especialy when found in unison, can summon griefers, and trolls by the dozens, who quickly feast upon the squeeling little monstrosities...
The Dark noobie most often makes it's home in the safest location of the game, being too timid, and too self conscious to risk defeat in the more dangerous areas of a game. However the Dark noob has one unique quality, which makes it the most hated members of the species. It has the ability to Masquerade as a VET, and lure unsuspecting true Noobies, and newbs into mimicing the Dark noobs thoughts. Over time, it is thought, that this is how Dark noobies are created. 
Galaxion > If you drove a car shaped like a thorax women would call you
Demangel > Dude... I would call..
Demangel > wait that sounded g@y I bet.
Galaxion > Just a bit.
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