put down the fork!

Simple physical exercise : turn head left, turn head right, repeat several times while keeping your mouth tightly shut any time anybody offers you food, tries to sell you food, or you see food you might want to get because it TASTES good.
As long as you stay away from refined sugars, fried stuff and other things full of grease, and don't stuff your face full of everything else all the time, you'll be fine.

Pretty freaking simple, but also extremely difficult.

You might consider developing a nicotine addiction to decrease your appetite.
I would recommend nicotine in propylene glycol inhaled from electronic vaporizers to both minimize costs and minimize the detrimental health effects associated with the more "traditional" method of nicotine consumption.
Bonus points - sugary stuff reduces the taste-wise enjoyment of nicotine-in-PG vaporizing, so that's an added incentive to not partake in sweets.
Extra bonus points - nicotine can reduce symptoms of ADHD, OCD, anxiety, depression and a host of other issues, and it promotes formation of new blood vessels making healing faster.

You wouldn't be afraid to put a cellphone to your sweaty temple, or would you ?
And yet the battery in those things is usually just as powerful, if not more powerful than that in e-cigs.
Or, you know, holding a laptop in your lap.

Also, you hold the damn thing in your hands (not like you could keep them in your mouth hands-free, even the lightest versions are still noticeably heavier than a cigarette) so you should be able to feel a FAULTY battery overheating quite a while before it actually explodes.
Or, you know, normal people would.

Besides, it happened like, what, once in the entire world (and with a manually modified battery almost surely) ?
You're probably safer than crossing the street in a hurry, statistically speaking.

I'm smoking an e-cig in between pressing keys right now. There's a good ~7cm/~3inch distance between the closest point on the actual battery to any part of my head..

Can it be taken as a suppository?

If you want, you can pour a couple of drops of no-additional-aroma e-liquid (which is usually quite a bit cheaper than regular flavoured liquid) into a cup of water and drink it. Or you can smear it on your skin. But neither of that is any fun (it can be somewhat bitter even diluted, and it's also quite oily).
Also, beware of the dosage.
At the usual high 36mg/ml nicotine concentration of flavourless e-liquids, a milliliter of the stuff (about 40 drops, give or take) taken in a single dose (halflife is about 2h) has a decent chance to harm a non-smoker, and a full bottle (usually 30ml) will almost certainly kill just about anybody stupid enough to drink it all in a gulp.

P.S. I know you're joking, but I don't care.

Simple. Avoid all processed food as much as you can ... anything that has altered during manufacturing or artificial (e.g sweeteners, etc).
The common flour you'd think is natural, think again - that statement is correct if you got your flour from an Amish (or their equivalents).

Eat right everyday and the problem will fix itself. This involves a change of habit and committing to it.
It takes a great amount of willpower, self-education (on proper nutrition) and the right frame of mind (i.e. NOT holding onto current dogmas on how people get fat).
On the plus side, you don't even need to exercise beyond the simple walks and daily chores.

5+ years back I was averaging 100-120kg (for a 6' 2), overweight but not grossly. Now a clean 70-80kg avg (been almost 2 years).
Never going back to the old weight again, that's for sure.

I don't usually troll OOP, if you're looking for a response, then I'd say you're still not in the right frame of mind.
Ask again in 5 years.

wtf is macdonalds?

The best thing at KFC is the double down, it's like a chicken bacon burger with chicken for the bread

Well the OP is trolling hard, but I personally have found the advice here excellent. I have trouble with my weight and I really want to knock it on the head this year before the damage becomes irreversible.

Not sure about the nicotine dependency tho...

But it makes you look cool!