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Surfin's PlunderBunny
Sebiestor Tribe Minmatar Republic
2332
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Posted - 2012.09.26 22:31:00 -
[1] - Quote
Some customer reviews are the kind of epic a person only achieves once. Like this guy giving a customer review for VEET hair removal cream for men. Also there will be no questions on the circumstances of me finding this review
This is a wall of text but I couldn't be... arsed to fix it
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to rea ch the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didnGÇÖt have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadnGÇÖt managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering GÇ£ooooohhh that feels goodGÇ¥ Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadnGÇÖt heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasnGÇÖt the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didnGÇÖt improve my statusGǪso to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect "A genius throws a Molotov cocktail and soon realizes that he's going to die choking in a maze of smoke and flame. A hero drinks a Molotov cocktail and soon realizes that if he does a split in midair, he can hit twice as many zombies per kick. Drunk hero wins again, wusses." ~Cracked.com |
Jim Era
3761
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Posted - 2012.09.26 22:44:00 -
[2] - Quote
ebay is better |
Surfin's PlunderBunny
Sebiestor Tribe Minmatar Republic
2333
|
Posted - 2012.09.26 22:58:00 -
[3] - Quote
Jim Era wrote:ebay is better
Gotta back it up, post one "A genius throws a Molotov cocktail and soon realizes that he's going to die choking in a maze of smoke and flame. A hero drinks a Molotov cocktail and soon realizes that if he does a split in midair, he can hit twice as many zombies per kick. Drunk hero wins again, wusses." ~Cracked.com |
Box Kicker
Protectors Holdings CORE Alliance
45
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Posted - 2012.09.26 23:01:00 -
[4] - Quote
lol, what an awesome read...still laughing |
Jim Era
3766
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Posted - 2012.09.26 23:29:00 -
[5] - Quote
wait you actually thought I read the words that I post after? |
Brujo Loco
Brujeria Teologica
381
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Posted - 2012.09.26 23:34:00 -
[6] - Quote
CANT ... STOP ... LAUGHING! :P Inner Sayings of BrujoLoco: http://eve-files.com/sig/brujoloco |
Surfin's PlunderBunny
Sebiestor Tribe Minmatar Republic
2336
|
Posted - 2012.09.26 23:47:00 -
[7] - Quote
Jim Era wrote:wait you actually thought I read the words that I post after?
No, I sure as hell usually don't most of the time "A genius throws a Molotov cocktail and soon realizes that he's going to die choking in a maze of smoke and flame. A hero drinks a Molotov cocktail and soon realizes that if he does a split in midair, he can hit twice as many zombies per kick. Drunk hero wins again, wusses." ~Cracked.com |
Kurfin
Viziam Amarr Empire
33
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Posted - 2012.09.27 18:06:00 -
[8] - Quote
This got emailed to me in the office yesterday. It properly broke me |
Kenneth O'Hara
Remus Exploration Outfitters
53
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Posted - 2012.09.27 18:26:00 -
[9] - Quote
oh... my god, my sides hurt. Stick around. I'm full of bad ideas. ~Isaac Clarke |
Karl Planck
Heretic Army Heretic Nation
255
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Posted - 2012.09.27 18:31:00 -
[10] - Quote
10/10 absolutely fantastic find Low-sec Best-sec |
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Elias Greyhand
Potentially Irresponsible
14
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Posted - 2012.09.29 18:24:00 -
[11] - Quote
Obviously I laughed but my first thought was "who designs a dwelling with the bathroom opposite the kitchen!?". |
Surfin's PlunderBunny
Sebiestor Tribe Minmatar Republic
2369
|
Posted - 2012.09.29 22:24:00 -
[12] - Quote
Elias Greyhand wrote:Obviously I laughed but my first thought was "who designs a dwelling with the bathroom opposite the kitchen!?".
A man "A genius throws a Molotov cocktail and soon realizes that he's going to die choking in a maze of smoke and flame. A hero drinks a Molotov cocktail and soon realizes that if he does a split in midair, he can hit twice as many zombies per kick. Drunk hero wins again, wusses." ~Cracked.com |
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