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Tovarishch
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Posted - 2005.10.06 22:24:00 -
[1]
'However', the vet took on a tone of foreboding. 'All Caldari kits don't have enough CPU to eat 'Tech II Ballistic Control Bite Sized Kiblets for Cute and Fluffy Kittens.Æ
æWhatÆs CPU?Æ, I askedà feeling very confused.
æChewing Power Units. It measures how big a piece of food they can fit in their mouthsÆ.
æHow can I increase their CPU?! My kittens arenÆt going to die are they?!?!Æ, I was becoming very emotional. I loved my kittens and didnÆt ever want to let them go.
æCalm downà calm down. ThereÆs an answer. Are you with the kittens now?Æ
æYes, they are all sleeping in the tub.Æ
æOkà wake them upà and make sure they are all looking directly at youà and that you have their FULL attention. It is imperative that they are focused on youÆ. This sounded important so I followed the vets orders completely.
I woke all the kittens up and made sure that they were all looking right at me.
æTheyÆre awake and all eyes are on meÆ, I said.
æOk, repeat after meà and say this very, very clearlyà and as loud and as frightfully as possible. Pretend that you are a father lion and you are roaring at your kittens... that you are commanding them to live. Because, in my very professional opinion, your kittens are in a very dangerous predicament.Æ
æYesà yes. I will. Okà here we go. Can you hold on for a sec? ItÆs difficult to do this while holding the phone.Æ
I placed the phone on the cold linoleum floor next to me and stared all my cute, fluffy kittens in the eye. I poised myself on the floor as a father lion wouldà and roared at the top of my lungsà.
æADAPT OR DIE, YOU MAGGOTS!!!!Æ
The cry echoed in the bathroomà accompanied by trembling whiskers and tiny mews of fear. I picked the phone back up and the vet assured me that we had done all that we couldà and that only time would tell if the kittens would survive.
However, I have a very bad feeling about this predicament. I donÆt think the kittens are going to make it. Maybe itÆs best to let Raven starve since itÆs unfair that she can eat a bite or two while the others starve.
Whatever the case might beà. I need to clean all those missiles out of the litter box.
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Tovarishch
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Posted - 2005.10.06 22:24:00 -
[2]
Edited by: Tovarishch on 06/10/2005 22:27:44
I don't really like cats very much. While they are cute... and funny on occasion... I just don't really like them enough to pursue owning them.
Then Momma Cat showed up.
She was very pregnant, homeless, and cute and sweet... so I took her in and helped her birth the kittens. Five kittens were born, but one was a runt. He was the first to be named.
'I shall christen you 'Raptor', I said. 'Since you are small, moderately cute, but almost entirely ineffective at anything other than being cute and fluffy.'
'The rest of you shall be named in order of strength and power!', I roared at the bathtub filled with mewing kittens. 'Let the games begin!'
The kittens immediately responded to my primal rage and over the course of the next few days they began to form a pecking order. Very soon I had named the rest of them.
There was 'Crow'. She was cute and fluffy.... but she was quick and cunning.
There was 'Cerberus'. He was a fairly handsome cat... but did nothing but sleep most of the time... ocassionally making an impotent attempt at removing one of his brothers and sisters from a nipple... and then falling back asleep after failing.
There was 'Scorpion'. She was nothing like the rest of her brothers and sisters. She was very smart... but was physically weak and not terribly capable of competing against her brothers and sisters for food. She would simply wait for them to fall asleep and then have a meal. Smart one... she was.
Then... there was 'Raven'. Powerful, fast, beautiful... she had it all. She could take on any of her kin and win. However, if she ever had to deal with more than one of them at a time she would be quickly dispatched... leaving an opening for a quick meal.
As the kittens grew up I knew it was time to wean them onto solid food. So I went to the store and bought some kitten food of which I had read good things. It was called 'Tech II Ballistic Control Bite Sized Kiblets for Cute and Fluffy Kittens'.
I quickly drove home and poured some kiblets into a very large bowl and watched anxiously (being the good caretaker that I am) as the kittens wobbled their way over to the bowl and cautiously sniffed the bowl full of meat-scented goodness. Raven immediately dove in and sated her appetite within minutes.
As the torpid kitten languished with her mother the rest of the kittens began attempting their first meal. To my horror and dismay, I suddenly noticed a problem. The kiblets were bigger than all the smaller kittens mouths. They couldn't even eat a piece of the 'Tech II Ballistic Control Bite Sized Kiblets for Cute and Fluffy Kittens' even if they so desired (which they very much did). My kittens were going to starve!
Beside myself with rage and fear I immediately called the veterinarian.
'I bought my kittens some food... but only one can eat it! And even then she can only get a piece or two in her stomach before she has to fall asleep to digest it! The other kits will starve! Oh my GOD!', I began sobbing.
'Calm down... calm down. I can help. I've seen this before... several times. These must be Caldari kittens, correct?'
'I, uhhh... I don't know. What makes a kitten 'Caldari'?', I asked.
'Inspect your kittens for a moment and tell me if you see some distinguishing marks... if you could, please.'
I walked into the bathroom and found them all curled up, purring happily with Momma Cat.
'Do you see any blinking lights?'
'Oh yeah. LOADS of them. They're like a regular Christmas tree! It's beautiful!', I answered.
'And do they fire little missile-like projectiles out of them that don't seem to do much damage?', the vet asked.
'Yeah, that's what the litter box is for', nodding unconsciously at the 'missile' filled tray in the bathroom.
'Yep, those are Caldari kittens. You're lucky. They are beautiful kits.'
I nodded in agreement... they really were beautiful.
CONTINUED -
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O'Sirius
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Posted - 2005.10.06 22:31:00 -
[3]
Nooooo! Save the kittens!
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Helmut Rul
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Posted - 2005.10.06 22:34:00 -
[4]
Edited by: Helmut Rul on 06/10/2005 22:40:21
Very nice story, Particulary the adapt or die part, I think you have finally figured out for us how the devs balance stuff nowadays.
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Killer Dragon
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Posted - 2005.10.06 22:37:00 -
[5]
Thats why u dont have a life, No JK. I dont under stand. Are u for or agenst the raven and T2 BCU?
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danneh
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Posted - 2005.10.06 22:41:00 -
[6]
You promised to post no missile threads if you lost in the shoot the kitten thread, now be a man of your word.
Hello. |
Tovarishch
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Posted - 2005.10.06 22:45:00 -
[7]
 Originally by: danneh
You promised to post no missile threads if you lost in the shoot the kitten thread, now be a man of your word.
Eris didn't beat my score... and Oveur never responded.
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Sivona
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Posted - 2005.10.06 22:49:00 -
[8]
Tov, please see post inside ships and tactics aimed at rec. It now applies to you as well.
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HippoKing
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Posted - 2005.10.06 22:50:00 -
[9]
Edited by: HippoKing on 06/10/2005 22:50:08
poor kittens
why do i feel the average response from the forum will include a sack, a few bricks and a large body of water?
--
This Zig. For great justice!
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Necrologic
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Posted - 2005.10.06 22:53:00 -
[10]
100% quality post.
Do you actually have kittens?
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Psychor
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Posted - 2005.10.06 23:05:00 -
[11]
This made me laugh. 
Quote:
'Calm down... calm down. I can help. I've seen this before... several times. These must be Caldari kittens, correct?'
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Megadon
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Posted - 2005.10.06 23:28:00 -
[12]
CPU = Chewing Power Units!
Love it
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Liaj
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Posted - 2005.10.06 23:39:00 -
[13]
Edited by: Liaj on 06/10/2005 23:38:58
Delete :E
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Tido Maliyu
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Posted - 2005.10.06 23:40:00 -
[14]
Edited by: Tido Maliyu on 06/10/2005 23:40:06
very nice post 
Now we just have to hope that the makers of 'Tech II Ballistic Control Bite Sized Kiblets for Cute and Fluffy KittensÆ make the kiblets a bit smllare so the kittens will live
Yarr!!
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0_o? |
Zaintiraris
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Posted - 2005.10.07 00:00:00 -
[15]
Thats kinda cute, cuz I like cats, but I liked the passion and carnivorous flare of Raynors post more.
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Originally by: CCP Hammer
This game was so much better back before people knew math.
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Dark Shikari
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Posted - 2005.10.07 00:09:00 -
[16]
Kittens 4tw...
--
Proud member of the [23].
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Tovarishch
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Posted - 2005.10.07 01:03:00 -
[17]
Edited by: Tovarishch on 07/10/2005 01:05:46
Originally by: Necrologic
100% quality post.
Do you actually have kittens?
Yes, I actually do have a couple cats. I took in a homeless Momma Cat who, 24 hours later, had her five kits in my bathtub (one runt did die after 48 hours of refusing to nurse.. during which time I got almost no sleep). I found a home for mom and two of the remaining kittens... and kept a brother and sister... who turned 7 months old yesterday.
I am not a huge fan of cats. 50% of the time they are either involved in destroying something or jumping on top of me in the morning... or swinging at a tail that belongs to my 14 year old dog. However, since I helped Momma birth them I am kind of fond of them... even as annoying as they can be sometimes.
But... there is no denying how fun it is to watch them wrestle and play.
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Okoru
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Posted - 2005.10.07 01:10:00 -
[18]
That was a very touching story. Please don't let the little kittens starve.
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What I say has nothing to do with my corp.
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Kyle Caldrel
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Posted - 2005.10.07 01:15:00 -
[19]
NOES :( raptor died
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Ethan Tomlinson
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Posted - 2005.10.07 02:55:00 -
[20]
now everybody petition the makers of that cute and cuddly kitten food, im pretty sure there names are CCP and tell them to make there kiblets smaller so kittens can eat them
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Akaviri
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Posted - 2005.10.07 03:04:00 -
[21]
Originally by: Kyle Caldrel
NOES :( raptor died
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Stratosfear
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Posted - 2005.10.07 03:57:00 -
[22]
Ravens, scorps, crows and kestrels are still good. If you're caldari you should stick to these ships as a matter of 'adapting.'
Hey, it could be worse.
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Arbenowskee
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Posted - 2005.10.07 06:06:00 -
[23]
Well the highligh of caldari are scorp (which can't kill anything, but it is no.1 support ship), and harpy. :)
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Boonaki
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Posted - 2005.10.07 06:42:00 -
[24]
If the devs let the little kittens starve to death I will never forgive them.
Fear the Ibis of doom. |
ParMizaN
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Posted - 2005.10.07 07:03:00 -
[25]
haha love it :) great post.
Killing the rich and giving to me |
Lord Farkwad
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Posted - 2005.10.07 07:11:00 -
[26]
CHEWING POWER UNITS.........pure genius
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Tovarishch
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Posted - 2005.10.07 16:33:00 -
[27]
Though I wrote the story to 'inform and entertain'... there was a bit of truth behind it.
The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Those who may someday graze on 'Tech II Ballistic Control Bite Sized Kiblets for Cute and Fluffy Kittens'
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xenorx
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Posted - 2005.10.07 16:54:00 -
[28]
OMG! CCP please save the kittens! They are already dieing. Poor Raptor, I will forever miss the little fellow. If nothing is done soon Im sure Cerberus is not far behind. Something must be done and Soon(tm) is not Soon(tm) enough.
BTW on a serious note: I love cats. I too was adopted by one. She comes and goes as she pleases and every now and then she will be affectionate. Acts kinda like my wife really.
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The Wizz117
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Posted - 2005.10.07 17:17:00 -
[29]
save the kittens!
tough,
i think ccp read this wrong,
food of the raven where suposed to be cruisers.
"what do you say? food to big? np well decreas the sig radius of the raven's food" (T1 frigate/cruiser overhaul and modules decreasing sig radius)
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HippoKing
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Posted - 2005.10.07 17:19:00 -
[30]
Originally by: Tovarishch
Those who may someday graze on 'Tech II Ballistic Control Bite Sized Kiblets for Cute and Fluffy Kittens'
awwww, this thread was worth it just for that pic 
Originally by: xenorx
BTW on a serious note: I love cats. I too was adopted by one.
you must have had a really interesting childhood
--
This Zig. For great justice!
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