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Thread Statistics | Show CCP posts - 0 post(s) |
Gungankllr
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Posted - 2006.04.08 20:35:00 -
[1]
Greetings!
Provided for your reading enjoyment is the first of many installments I plan on writing, which will result in being about the same length as a standard novel.
If you enjoyed it, send me isk. 
If you enjoyed it a lot, let me know. (writers + encouragement = catnip) ::And send isk. 
If you hated it, tell me why, and send me isk. 
Relics of the Past
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W0LFMAN
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Posted - 2006.04.09 05:16:00 -
[2]
Hey Gungankilr... Hows 0.0....
(Printing off now)....looking forward to it..
Regards
Wolfgang Peikea
CAIN[Commander]
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Malthros Zenobia
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Posted - 2006.04.09 05:19:00 -
[3]
eek, 25 pages.
This is so going to have to wait until tomorrow morning.
 Originally by: Dark Shikari
Istvaan Shogaatsu's ego, when combined with a veldspar asteroid, would create 500 titans. Too bad he's never mined.
RAWR!11 Sig Hijack!11 - Imaran |
Gungankllr
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Posted - 2006.04.09 06:48:00 -
[4]
Originally by: Malthros Zenobia
eek, 25 pages.
This is so going to have to wait until tomorrow morning.
That's only the first chapter 
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W0LFMAN
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Posted - 2006.04.09 07:17:00 -
[5]
Done.
Excellent, got really into it,
Lovely put together....Whats going to happen...Are they going to get caught....I want that GILA....
I want MORE, More i tells yea....
Please, don't make me wait
Wolf.
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Ladel Teravada
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Posted - 2006.04.09 08:11:00 -
[6]
Hey Gung you old bastard... Hope you enjoy 0.0.. ;)
I'm getting it now and will try to read some now and then. I'll let you know what I think
Commander Ladel Teravada
Deputy Quartermaster
Captain, C.N.S. Forgotten and C.N.S. Taris Dream
Caldari Independent Naval Reserves
Lai Dai Loyalist |
amnon1989
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Posted - 2006.04.09 12:28:00 -
[7]
very good story, i hope you post more soon 
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Gungankllr
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Posted - 2006.04.11 03:00:00 -
[8]
Please pay no mind to the small continuity error in the last few paragraphs. I'll correct it when i get home from work. 
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Gungankllr
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Posted - 2006.04.16 23:20:00 -
[9]
Corrected, And I'm still trucking along with Chapter Two.
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Black Katana
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Posted - 2006.04.17 09:30:00 -
[10]
Looks good so far, I'm looking forward to the follow-on chapters.
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Tequila Slamma
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Posted - 2006.04.17 20:31:00 -
[11]
Edited by: Tequila Slamma on 17/04/2006 20:33:28
Dude, that's some of the best writing I've seen outside of a Tony Gonzales classic! Good characters, intriguing plotline, excellent and strong supporting cast.
If you want feedback, there are a couple of points you might want to look at...
1. On page 6 the Jovians are quoted as having launched the mystery ship "several hundred years ago", but on page 20 it becomes apparent that the ship is self-aware, self repairing, capable of self-determination and therefore more than capable of scavenging for its own fuel. The implication carried from page 6 is that it has been dormant, so what caused it to awaken? The fact that it lies in a vast debris field which includes the remains of battleships adds to the impression that it's been there for some time.
2. On page 17 Uema poses a question to a junior officer about the drone bay but never recieves a reply.
3. Page 19, we're given a bald statement of fact: "Berliss-class ore carriers haven't seen space for a hundred years" and yet two pages later we're introduced to a "decrepit Berliss-class ore carrier" not only in space but also actively mining.
4. I'm not sure of the wisdom of putting in a quote from the Old Testament, " Lo let the night be solitary..." is from Job 3:7, it doesn't quite ring true. I like it being in there, it sounds suitably apocalyptic. You might be better off attributing that quote to something like the Pax Amarria. Possibly by having one of the other characters tell Napas to stop quoting from it!
5. Like the O.T. quote, is it wise to have character names so close to historical and popular fictional characters? Victor Metcalf was in Teddy Roosevelt's Cabinet in the early 1900s, and Artikus Smee sounds a bit close to Artimus Smee whom I'd swear was Captain Hook's first mate.
Please don't take the above as negative criticism, it isn't meant that way. This story read fantastically, and the above points are probably what a decent proof-reader would come up with anyway, along with a couple of mnor grammatical and spelling mistakes...
So, what's good about the story? Your names sound like real names, nothing worse than obviously made-up names like N'Khaoth Gharseer etc. The plot's powerful and the tension's already there in the first chapter! Love the fact that the Jovian ship appears to have multiple personalities, that's a really nice touch, I can see myself getting quite attached to the Forge. Uema's a really powerful character too, by the end of the first section his powers of deduction are on a par with Sherlock Holmes! The finer points are nice too, the accidental slip with the cloaking field and graviton emissions, the ensign who's questioning his commitment to the Guristas based on their treatment of their own personnel, the ramshackle ore carrier and its ragtag crew. All great.
One last thing, the line about there only being one thief in the Caldari Navy and everyone else trying to get their stuff back? Have you ever been in the military? Because if you haven't you don't know how true that line is. That was one little touch that put a truly authentic ring on your portrayal of a large military organisation.
In short, really excellent read, easily on a par with Barriers and getting close to Gonzales. Best thing you can do now is stop reading my drivel, and cr@ck on with Chapter Two because I want more, you hear me? More!
Cheers, Teq
PS. BTW I also hate you, I'd give my left nut to be able to write as well as you!
Stapler stapling, stapler stops.
Cock, Hook and Look.
No staples in the breach and no staples in the magazine.
With a new magazine of 30 staples, at the paper in front, carry on staplin' |
Zevrik
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Posted - 2006.04.17 22:00:00 -
[12]
Well done, I look forward to the next chapter.
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Gungankllr
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Posted - 2006.04.17 23:12:00 -
[13]
Originally by: Tequila Slamma
Appreciated proofreading
Thanks for the input, it's nice to have a second set of eyes to catch litle things I miss.
1. Intentional, you'll understand later.
2. Oops (Fixed now, will re-upload in a second)
3. Intentional, you'll understand later.
4. Aye, I'm not a very religious man, but I needed a religious-type quote concerning the waking of the Leviathan. Perhaps down the road I will change it a bit.
5. Metcalf is actually the combination of names of two people that work for me, while Artikus Smee was a name I just pulled out of the air. Basically, everyone in the book is named from either Eve canon, or from people I've met on my journeys.
Yes, I spent about seven years in the U.S. Marine corps, with stops of three years in Japan, six months in Korea, and little jaunts to anywhere surrounded by water in the pacific rim at least once or twice. 
It gives me quite a bit to draw from creatively. When I would sit and try and come up with character names, I would look too much into it, trying to come up with perfect names.
After a while of brainstorming and really not getting anywhere (some of my characters' names were hurting a bit) I started thinking of people I had met during my time in Japan.
Thanks for the input though, I'm plodding along with chapter two, it's just that I'm working two jobs right now and I don't have a lot of free time.
Expect a new chapter about once a month, regardless.
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Techyon
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Posted - 2006.04.19 12:42:00 -
[14]
Very nice first chapter, looking forward to more :)
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Astrum Ludus
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Posted - 2006.04.25 14:55:00 -
[15]
Excellent, enjoyed that :)
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Gungankllr
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Posted - 2006.04.30 19:52:00 -
[16]
A revised chapter one and the complete chapter two, in a few hours.
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Gungankllr
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Posted - 2006.04.30 21:49:00 -
[17]
Chapter two added. Read and enjoy.
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ElweSingollo
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Posted - 2006.04.30 22:52:00 -
[18]
good stuff Gungn haven't got onto the second chapter so far but what I have read so far is good.... looking forward to more updates.
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Seth Cral
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Posted - 2006.05.01 10:59:00 -
[19]
Awesome read so far, keep it up!
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amnon1989
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Posted - 2006.05.01 12:00:00 -
[20]
excallent 2nd chapter
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Biff Boffington
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Posted - 2006.05.02 21:23:00 -
[21]
Great story, I eagerly await the next chapter.
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TOGCO Recruitment Thread |
Xurx
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Posted - 2006.05.03 01:20:00 -
[22]
Edited by: Xurx on 03/05/2006 01:20:48
Awesome
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SteppinRazor
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Posted - 2006.05.05 11:03:00 -
[23]
Briliant story, great !! Can't wait until Chapter III
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Logan Xerxes
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Posted - 2006.05.05 14:55:00 -
[24]
Cain't wait till the next chapter man, it's great stuff :D
All for the good of many! |
John Renwick
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Posted - 2006.05.05 19:36:00 -
[25]
Thoroughly intriguing
This kind of storywriting has gotten me interested in maybe doing something for EVE-Library in the near future.
Excellent job and I can't wait for the next chapter.
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Gungankllr
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Posted - 2006.05.05 20:46:00 -
[26]
Thanks for the words of encouragement.
Chapter III may take a little longer than usual, I just started a new job, and with said job comes a ton of hours and mandatory training.
When I get time, I'll tap out chapter III.
Also, there are some small "Duh" mistakes, like some of the character's ranks changing back and forth.
When I started this story, I had the top ranking Caldari Navy folks as Commanders, but I stumbled across some Canon that clearly indicated they were admirals.
I changed most of it but missed a few.
if anybody else finds any "duh" type mistakes, feel free to point them out and I'll do a revision when I update the next chapter.
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SamuraiJack
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Posted - 2006.05.06 00:49:00 -
[27]
MORE!
I need reading for DT :)
Great stuff!
=-
I am that merry wanderer of the night? I am that giggling-dangerous-totally-bloody-psychotic-menace-to-life-and-limb, more like it.
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Techyon
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Posted - 2006.05.12 11:15:00 -
[28]
2nd chapter was really nice aswell.. more, more, more !
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Please resize image to a maximum of 400 x 120, not exceeding 24000 kbs, ty - Cortes |
Gungankllr
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Posted - 2006.05.16 07:33:00 -
[29]
Ok, FINALLY starting chapter III.
CCP isn't going to be publishing this, for those that have asked.
I'm just happy someone likes it, to be honest. It's nice to have so many folks appreciate your work.
it's the closest I'll ever get to being a rockstar.
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SteppinRazor
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Posted - 2006.05.17 11:56:00 -
[30]
Edited by: SteppinRazor on 17/05/2006 12:00:31
Edited by: SteppinRazor on 17/05/2006 11:59:41
Originally by: Gungankllr
I'm just happy someone likes it, to be honest. It's nice to have so many folks appreciate your work.
'Relics of the Past' is along with 'Darius Shakor Saga', 'Barriers', 'The Hamish Saga' and 'An Odd Job' in my list of stories which I check weekly to see if a chapter has been added.
Plz. keep up the good work 
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