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Thread Statistics | Show CCP posts - 7 post(s) |
JADE DRAG0NESS
Native Freshfood
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Posted - 2007.04.28 01:12:00 -
[1]
A pirate walks into the bar and the bartender sees he has a steering wheel attached to his pants.
Bartender: Wahts that doing there?
Pirate: ARRRRR its driving me nuts!!!!!
So anyone else got any good jokes to share?
"Kill one man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill them all, and you are a god."
-- Jean Rostand |
IDesert FoxI
Unknown-Heroes
Freelancer Alliance
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Posted - 2007.04.28 01:16:00 -
[2]
Did you know, that if you took a persons large intestine, lied it down next to them end to end, and measured it, they would be dead
_________________________________________
EVE Tribune |
RedFall
Irreligion
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Posted - 2007.04.28 01:20:00 -
[3]
Pinnochio goes up to Gepetto and says "This sucks, ever time I have sex with my girlfriend I get splinters, what can I do?"
Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need."
A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?" Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls when you have sandpaper?"
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The Kris
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Posted - 2007.04.28 01:37:00 -
[4]
Ok ok heres one:
two cows are walking along and one of them says "mooo" and the other replies "wow wierd i was just about say the same thing"
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Weebear
The Bowrey
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Posted - 2007.04.28 11:11:00 -
[5]
3 cows in a field, which ones on holiday?
The one with the wee calf. |
Godlesswanderer
Gallente
The Scope
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Posted - 2007.04.28 11:21:00 -
[6]
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
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Custom made EVE graphics |
Elliot Reid
Digital Fury Corporation
Digital Renegades
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Posted - 2007.04.28 11:55:00 -
[7]
A white horse walks into a pub and asks the barman for a pint of bitter. "did you know there's a whiskey named after you?" said the barman. The horse replied "What, Colin?"
__________________________________
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Elliot Reid
Digital Fury Corporation
Digital Renegades
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Posted - 2007.04.28 11:58:00 -
[8]
Edited by: Elliot Reid on 28/04/2007 11:55:36
A man walked into a pub after a long day at work, ordered a pint of
beer, and sat down by the bar to enjoy it. Before long he'd finished
about half his drink and needed to go to the toilet, so off he went.
Whilst he was away a massive black woman standing in the corner walked
up to the bar, picked up the drink, farted into his pint, replaced it,
and walked away again.
When the man came back, he sat down to enjoy his pint again, but after
he'd taken a mouthful he spat it out at once and yelled at the barman,
"Oi, barman, this pint tastes disgusting! What's happened to it?"
"Well, you see that massive black woman over there? She farted into
it."
"What?"
"She farted into it. I didn't want to say anything - she looks like
she could easily knock seven shades of **** out of me - but that's
what she did."
"Right," said the bloke, stressed after a long day, "if you won't say
anything, I will." He got up, went to the massive black woman, and
tapped her on her shoulder. She slowly turned around.
"Yes?"
"oi, you fart in my Whitbread?"
"No, Tessa Sanderson."
__________________________________
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Reycks Armunicus
Gallente
CoreTech Industries
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Posted - 2007.04.28 11:59:00 -
[9]
Whats six inches long, has got two nuts, and can make you very fat?
An Almond Joy  
---------------
mods are strangely fixated on content... |
ArmedSolid
Generals Of Destruction Syndicate
Terror In The System
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Posted - 2007.04.28 12:01:00 -
[10]
Mad Mary is speeding around the mental institution in her wheelchair ,she rounds a corner on two wheels to find Mad Mick standing there (licence and registration please mary ),after producing she nails the throttle and proceeds at break neck speed.
she rounds the next corner to find Mad Joe standing in her way (insurance and mot please Mary )bugger she replies ,hands them over and burns rubber ,
around the next corner is BIG JOHN naked and with a huge erection (oh noes not the breathalyser again ) |
Godlesswanderer
Gallente
The Scope
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Posted - 2007.04.28 12:09:00 -
[11]
Last year I celebrated Thanksgiving in the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
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Custom made EVE graphics |
Scottish Theo
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Posted - 2007.04.28 13:35:00 -
[12]
Hopefully this won't get me banned. If anyone finds this offensive, I appologise.
What is purple and stiff and makes women scream?
Cot Death
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lofty29
Athanasius Inc.
SMASH Alliance
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Posted - 2007.04.28 15:34:00 -
[13]
Yeah, I'd edit that joke out if I were you 
---
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Godlesswanderer
Gallente
The Scope
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Posted - 2007.04.28 15:47:00 -
[14]
Hehe yeah, it's probably best to edit that out. Or I guess you could wait until a mod does it for you.
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Custom made EVE graphics |
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lordharold
Forum Moderator
Interstellar Services Department
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Posted - 2007.04.28 16:25:00 -
[15]
Whats round and nasty?
A Vicious Circle.
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VanNostrum
The Legion.
Requiem-Aeternam
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Posted - 2007.04.28 18:21:00 -
[16]
Pollyanna gets raped
then she goes "glad i saved my arse"
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IDesert FoxI
Unknown-Heroes
Freelancer Alliance
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Posted - 2007.04.28 18:57:00 -
[17]
Not all women are annoying. Some are dead.
_________________________________________
EVE Tribune |
Mtthias Clemi
Gallente
Infinitus Odium
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Posted - 2007.04.28 21:09:00 -
[18]
 Originally by: IDesert FoxI
Not all women are annoying. Some are dead.
--------------------------------------------
Stay away from my signature all of ya!!! IM WARNING YOU!!
PEW PEW PEW PEW!
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Mr Linderman
Selective Extinction
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Posted - 2007.04.28 23:07:00 -
[19]
Edited by: Mr Linderman on 28/04/2007 23:03:39
A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause were going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat ***** in the kitchen."
www.eve-services.com - The only place to Shop for services
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JADE DRAG0NESS
Native Freshfood
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Posted - 2007.04.28 23:22:00 -
[20]
Did you know that if every man woman and child in asia joined hands and formed a circle of people around the world halph of them would drown.
"Kill one man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill them all, and you are a god."
-- Jean Rostand |
Dralon
CyberDyne Industries
Terror In The System
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Posted - 2007.04.29 00:00:00 -
[21]
Whats E.T. short for?
Because hes only got little legs.
Why was cinderella so bad at football?
Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.
They're the only jokes I can think of atm which aren't too obscene 
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Corphus
ShaK Scientific
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Posted - 2007.04.29 00:11:00 -
[22]
Edited by: Corphus on 29/04/2007 00:08:17
Friday morning a blonde woman enters a bank and goes straigt to one of the bank's employees and asks
"how can i get a credit of 5000 dollars cash ?"
the bank employee answers "thats rather easy lady. before we can give u a credit of that sum u need to give us some kind of colleteral."
the woman grabs in her bag and forwards the banker the key of her new mercedes. the banker, who is surprised prepares the documents for the credit offer and all is set. after the cash is paid the mercedes is driven into the underground garage of the bank.
2 weeks later the blonde woman appears at the bank again for paying back her credit. she pays the 5000 back with a borrowing rate of 15 dollars. meanwhile the banker checked the property stats of the blonde lady and finds out that the lady actually is a milionair. he asks " excuse me madam but i comenced some research and found out that u are a pretty wealthy person. why the heck did u had to ask us for a credit of 5000 dollars ?" the blonde than answers "well sir if u know another possibility to park ur car for two weeks in the middle of manhattan for the whole prize of 15 dollars than be so kind and tell me"
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Xelios
Minmatar
Rampage Eternal
Ka-Tet
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Posted - 2007.04.29 02:21:00 -
[23]
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken"
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Helen Baque
Gallente
Legendary Dark Knights
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Posted - 2007.04.29 03:51:00 -
[24]
A Gallente, a Minmatar and a Caldari walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
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Ecnav
Gallente
Kandor Fleet Systems
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Posted - 2007.04.29 04:16:00 -
[25]
Edited by: Ecnav on 29/04/2007 04:13:04
A man and a woman are a lovely, happy church going couple. Well, the woman is anyway. All the husband does is fall asleep in church! One day the woman got really mad and walked over to her preacher.
"Preacher!" she sais, "My husband will not stop falling asleep at your services, what will I do?" The Preacher thought for a long long time and came up with his idea! "Ok, every time he goes to sleep, I'll make a signal, like this, and you will poke him in the arm with this needle." "Righto!" the girl sais, and goes home very happy indeed.
On the next service, the woman and man walk in, and soon the man falls asleep. The preacher said, "Who is our savior!?" He then made the signal and the lady poked him. "Jesus!" The man yelled. He was awake for about 5 minutes, but his eyelids were heavy as stones, so he went back to sleep.
The Preacher saw this again and made the signal while saying, "Who created all life on Earth!?" The lady poked the man again and he yelped, "GOD!!" The man knew not to sleep this time, so he stayed awake.
The preacher got really into his next lecture.In a spasm of religousness, he asked, "What did Eve say to Adam on the day of their 99th Child?" and accidently made something that looked awfully similiar to the signal. The lady poked the man, and the man said "IF YOU STICK THAT ******* (freaking) THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, IM GONNA BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!!"
__ _ __ _ __ _ __ _ __ _ __ _ __ _ __ _ __ _ __
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Hauler Mauler
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Posted - 2007.04.29 10:23:00 -
[26]
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS Office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his
attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph
says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and Never get a drop anywhere in
between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars
that he could come in here and **** all over your desk and that you'd
be happy about it."
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Constantine Arcanum
IMPERIAL SENATE
Pure.
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Posted - 2007.04.29 10:55:00 -
[27]
*snip* Not suitable for these forums.
-Lord Harold
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Morion Hakata
Caldari
Hakata Group
Xelas Alliance
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Posted - 2007.04.29 11:03:00 -
[28]
A german guy, a french guy, and a japanese guy gets stranded on a deserted island.
The german guy says: "I'll organize this. French guy, you start building a camp. Japanese guy, you run into the forest for supplies."
Two days later the camp is all done, but the japanese guy hasn't been seen since he ran off, so the others decide to go looking for him.
They walk around in the forest for a while and all of a sudden, from behind a tree, the japanese guy jumps out and yells:
"SUPLISE!!!"
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innot
Minmatar
Federation Navy Task Force
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Posted - 2007.04.29 11:09:00 -
[29]
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick
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Godlesswanderer
Gallente
The Scope
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Posted - 2007.04.29 11:24:00 -
[30]
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off û go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Custom made EVE graphics |
VanNostrum
Perkone
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Posted - 2007.04.29 13:16:00 -
[31]
Originally by: VanNostrum
*snip* Not suitable for these forums.
-Lord Harold
"huge erection (oh noes not the breathalyser again )" <-- this is suitable but my joke wasn't? forum fascism at it's worst
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Mystic Boing
ID-10-T INC.
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Posted - 2007.04.29 14:08:00 -
[32]
An Australian, a South African and a Kiwi (new zealander) are sitting in a bar drinking together.The Kiwi jumps up throws his glass in the air and shoots it to pieces with his guns. In New Zealand we have so many glasses that we never have to drink with the same ones twice.
Then the South African jumps up, throws his glass in the air and shoots it to pieces. In South Africa he says, we've got so much sand to make glasses we never have to drink with the same ones twice.
Then the Australian jumps up throws his glass in the air and shoots the South African and the Kiwi dead and says in Australia we have so many bloody Kiwis and South Africans we never have to drink with the same ones twice.
----------------------
Chuck Norris is currently involved in a lawsuit with NBC, claiming Law & Order are trademark names for his left and right legs. |
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lordharold
Forum Moderator
Interstellar Services Department
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Posted - 2007.04.29 14:47:00 -
[33]
Please remember this is a teen-rated forum, and your posts / jokes need to be kept clean.
Also -
Where do pirates go shopping?
To the Yaaardware store.
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Kharakan
Amarr
Viziam
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Posted - 2007.04.29 14:48:00 -
[34]
Why are pirates pirates?
Because they ARRRRRRRRR.
>_>
this signature space is claimed in the name of eris, haha I got to him first. neeneer
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Godlesswanderer
Gallente
The Scope
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Posted - 2007.04.29 15:04:00 -
[35]
Edited by: Godlesswanderer on 29/04/2007 15:00:29
Originally by: Mystic Boing
An Australian, a South African and a Kiwi (new zealander) are sitting in a bar drinking together.The Kiwi jumps up throws his glass in the air and shoots it to pieces with his guns. In New Zealand we have so many glasses that we never have to drink with the same ones twice.
Then the South African jumps up, throws his glass in the air and shoots it to pieces. In South Africa he says, we've got so much sand to make glasses we never have to drink with the same ones twice.
Then the Australian jumps up throws his glass in the air and shoots the South African and the Kiwi dead and says in Australia we have so many bloody Kiwis and South Africans we never have to drink with the same ones twice.
That reminds me of a joke I probably shouldn't tell, it being slightly racist and all.
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Custom made EVE graphics |
hired goon
Infinite Improbability Inc
Dusk and Dawn
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Posted - 2007.04.29 16:13:00 -
[36]
Originally by: Kharakan
Why are pirates pirates?
Because they ARRRRRRRRR.
>_>
Oh god I lol'd. :(
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a whole worm wriggling around?
...the holocaust.
-omg-
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Nhoj Sllew
Amarr
Interstellar eXodus
R0ADKILL
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Posted - 2007.04.30 05:25:00 -
[37]
Originally by: hired goon
Originally by: Kharakan
Why are pirates pirates?
Because they ARRRRRRRRR.
>_>
Oh god I lol'd. :(
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a whole worm wriggling around?
...the holocaust.
LOL
oldie but i stil laugh at it :
Two guys walk into a bar.
The third one ducked.
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IDesert FoxI
Unknown-Heroes
Freelancer Alliance
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Posted - 2007.04.30 11:44:00 -
[38]
I first realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
_________________________________________
EVE Tribune |
Godlesswanderer
Gallente
The Scope
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Posted - 2007.04.30 12:39:00 -
[39]
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really ****ed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Custom made EVE graphics |
Strangely Brown
Cult of the Purple Wolf
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Posted - 2007.04.30 13:09:00 -
[40]
What's got 2 legs and bleeds alot?
Half a dog.
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Reto
The Last Resort
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Posted - 2007.04.30 22:57:00 -
[41]
a kid and his brother are sitting before the christmas tree. one of em has a huge pile of presents and the other kid has only one. the kid who got the most presents laughs "hahahaha guess who of us mommy and daddy loves more?"
the other kid starts also laughing "hehehehe guess who of us both has cancer"
Originally by: s4mp3r0r
"Hey man, you're mom has a cruise missile".
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Mtthias Clemi
Gallente
Infinitus Odium
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Posted - 2007.04.30 23:14:00 -
[42]
Originally by: Reto
a kid and his brother are sitting before the christmas tree. one of em has a huge pile of presents and the other kid has only one. the kid who got the most presents laughs "hahahaha guess who of us mommy and daddy loves more?"
the other kid starts also laughing "hehehehe guess who of us both has cancer"
thats not funny at all....
--------------------------------------------
Stay away from my signature all of ya!!! IM WARNING YOU!!
PEW PEW PEW PEW!
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flaming phantom
Minmatar
Tyrell Corp
INTERDICTION
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Posted - 2007.05.01 03:37:00 -
[43]
ok heres a few ive heard
a man walks into a bar and says ouch
--------------
i never really got into drugs, drugs got intro me
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me: please dont joke about the holocasut, my grandpa died in it
friend: really?
me: yea, he fell out of a guard tower
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Griffinator
Gallente
Contraband Inc.
Mercenary Coalition
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Posted - 2007.05.01 13:41:00 -
[44]
a man walks into a bar with a alligator on a lead, the barman says "you cant that bring that thing in here its not safe", the man says "sure it is i'll show you",
so the man opens the gators mouth puts his piece in there and hits it over the head with a ashtray, the gator stops 2 mm away from cutting it off, "see" the man exclaims "thats how safe it is any one else want a go?"
a woman pipes up from the back of the room "sure just dont hit me over the head so hard with the ashtray!!!!!"
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starbuck1979
Eve University
Ivy League
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Posted - 2007.05.01 14:04:00 -
[45]
Why does tigger smell?
Cuz he has been playing with pooh
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Whats green and smells of pork
Kermit the frogs ****
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Whats pink & hard
Pig with a flick knife
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Humpty Dumpty was sat on his bed
little bo peep was giving him head
soon as he came she started to weep
cuz she knew by the taste he'd be f*****g her sheep
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Whats pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff
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David Beckham was asked to be the head speaker at Allan Balls memorial service.
Victoria Backham was asked about this by a gossip magazine
"Oh yeah david would be good at that as he is a dead ball specialist"
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Mods ive tried editing  to keep it as clean as i can, but i dont know any clean 1's really....
http://ineve.net/skills/character.php?charID=ODIwNzgzNTAw
Forgot who did my Sig but i need it re sorting please. |
Strangely Brown
Cult of the Purple Wolf
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Posted - 2007.05.01 14:52:00 -
[46]
What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic.
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Corphus
ShaK Scientific
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Posted - 2007.05.09 15:31:00 -
[47]
a man walks into a saloon. hes armed with 2 large knifes, wears a throwing knife belt and has a massive sword strapped on his back. he walk over to the bartender and says:
i am razorbill, gimme a tequilla !
another man enters the sallon. hes armed with 2 revolvers. wears a ammunition belt and has a massive winchester rifle strapped on his back. he walks over to the bartender and says:
i am bulletbill, gimme a whiskey !
another man enters the saloon. hes armed with his 4 massive hands, has a tentacle as a belt and has 4 eyes, two mouths, and a huge scorpion-like spike on his back. he walks over to the bartender and says:
im tchernobyl, what the frack are u lookin at ?!
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Indra Sebuchiore
Sebiestor tribe
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Posted - 2007.05.09 16:41:00 -
[48]
(this one's better when read out loud. Assuming you're not at work.)
Paddy the Irishman goes into a blacksmith's to ask for a job.
The blacksmith says, "Fair enough, have you ever shoed a horse?"
Paddy says, "No, but I once told a donkey to f**k off!"
__________________________________________
"In girum imus nocte, et consumimur igni."
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Dray
Caldari
Endgame.
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Posted - 2007.05.09 20:06:00 -
[49]
Edited by: Dray on 09/05/2007 20:03:13
Remarkable lack of blonde jokes so here goes...
Three blonde girls are out for a walk when they come across some tracks..
The first blonde has a long look and says "I think there badger tracks..."
The second blonde says "I think your wrong, if you look closely you'll see there fox tracks.."
The third blonde sakes her head and says "Your both wrong there deer tracks.."
They were still arguing about it when a train hit them.
My personal favourite is..
A girl walks to a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.
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Last Cause
Green Gecko Inc.
Free Trade Zone.
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Posted - 2007.05.09 20:49:00 -
[50]
1. This has got to be the MOST moderated thread ever, you guys are terrible.
2. My joke:
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Hey, you got any grapes?" and the bartender tells him, "No, we don't have grapes here" So, the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck comes back in, "Got any grapes buddy?" He looks down at the duck, "Dammit! I said we don't have grapes here! You ask me for grapes one more time and i'll nail your ****ing bill to the bar!" The duck leaves again.
Next day, the ducks back again and looks up at the tender, "Hey you got any nails?" The bartender scowls and answers, "No." The duck smiles and says, "Hey, buddy, got any grapes?"
-Sig-
Green Gecko Inc. A corp, A family.
Hiring ALL types of players! 0.0 based!
Recruitment Poster |
Sqalevon
Masuat'aa Matari
|
Posted - 2007.05.09 21:27:00 -
[51]
Originally by: Kharakan
Why are pirates pirates?
Because they ARRRRRRRRR.
>_>
A Pirate once featured in a movie,
It was rated ARRRRRRRRR.
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Godlesswanderer
Gallente
The Scope
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Posted - 2007.05.10 13:50:00 -
[52]
A man was sitting on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him noticed and asked what the matter was.
He said that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable *******, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh.
The man next to him laughed and said, ''Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, "You ruined my life."
----------------------------
Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy?
No, neither did I.
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Custom made EVE graphics |
KingsGambit
Caldari Knights
|
Posted - 2007.05.10 17:47:00 -
[53]
A Man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a leash.Behind were 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
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My T2 Shop |
Strangely Brown
Cult of the Purple Wolf
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Posted - 2007.05.11 11:28:00 -
[54]
A man goes for a job at a stable, the owner asks him:
"Are you any good at shoeing horses?"
The man replies:
"Dunno....but I once told a donkey to f**k off!"
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Brolly
Caldari
Morphic field
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Posted - 2007.05.11 12:51:00 -
[55]
One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.
The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, ôWhy do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped.ö The boy replied, ôI will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.ö
*****
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he **********d into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using *******. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
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ReaperOfSly
Gallente
Lyrus Associates
Betrayal Under Mayhem
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Posted - 2007.05.11 18:02:00 -
[56]
She stood on the bridge at midnight,
Her lips were all a-quiver,
She gave a cough,
Her leg fell off,
And floated down the river.
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Vegetto Ichikai
Caldari
Point-Zero
SMASH Alliance
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Posted - 2007.05.11 21:39:00 -
[57]
Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Steven Hawkins after a house fire..
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ThaMa Gebir
Gallente
Raddick Explorations
Executive Outcomes
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Posted - 2007.05.13 11:18:00 -
[58]
Mary had a little lamb,
It had a touch of colic,
She gave it brandy twice a day,
And now it's alcoholic.
-----
Mary had a little lamb,
she tied it to a pylon,
10.000 volts shot up its butt,
and turned its wool to nylon.
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Whats green and goes red at the flick of a switch?
A frog in a liquidizer.
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Mary had a little lamb,
It leapt around in hops,
It gambolled in the road one day,
And ended up as chops.
-----
Mary had a little lamb,
She bought it as a trinket,
She put it in a liquidizer,
So everyone could drink it.
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Confirmed heaviest member of RDEX........
Hah, no more hijacks here. |
schneirder
Tropical Killer Bananas
Interstellar Starbase Syndicate
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Posted - 2007.05.13 14:55:00 -
[59]
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg , Manitoba , Canada
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
\"\(-_-)/"/\"\(-_-)/"/\"\(-_-)/"/\"\(-_-)/"/\"\(-_-)/"/\"\(-_-)/"/
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flaming phantom
Minmatar
Tyrell Corp
INTERDICTION
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Posted - 2007.05.13 21:05:00 -
[60]
Originally by: schneirder
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .
i once did somehting like that, didnt pull off her underwear but i was going to my car in the parking lot and i got in the wrong car, and started the car (evidently they leave thier keys in the ignition as same as i do) and then a couple kids in the back started screaming. what happened is they had a car exactly like mine, 1 spot closer to the door so i thougnt it was mine. oops.
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Archilies
The Wild Hunt
FATAL Alliance
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Posted - 2007.05.13 22:25:00 -
[61]
IÆve been banned from B&Q for life when one of their assistants asked me if I wanted a decking, and I broke his nose.
There Was A Time When The World Asked Ordinary Men To Do Extraordinary Things |
smashsmash
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Posted - 2007.05.13 22:54:00 -
[62]
a three legged dog walks into a bar.
the bartender asks him, "what do you want?"
the dog says, "i'm looking for the man that shot my paw."
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Ebedar
Gallente
Primary Intelligence
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Posted - 2007.05.13 23:23:00 -
[63]
A pregnant woman finds herself in a bank as some guys try to hold it up. During the course of the robbery she is shot three times in the stomach but luckily survives, eventually giving birth to triplets. One day, when they're 7 years old, the first triplet comes up to her and says:
"Mum guess what?"
"What?"
"I did a poo and a bullet came out!"
So his mum explains what happened and tells him to go play. A little while later the second triplet comes up to her:
"Mum guess what?"
"What?"
"I did a poo and a bullet came out!"
His mum explains what happened happened to him too and tells him to go play. A short while after that the third triplet comes up to her:
"Mum guess what?"
"Did you do a poo and a bullet came out?"
"No, I farted and I shot the cat!"
Drone Calculator |
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