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CaptDevil Gallente Federal Defence Union	Posted - 2008.08.26 13:51:00 - [1] Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech Support: Have you tried pushing the Button? Customer: Sure! It's really stuck. Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...... It's still on my desk... Sorry.... ================================== Tech Support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? ================================== Tech Support: Good day. How may I help you? Male Customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech Support: Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal; Don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates. ====================== ============= === ====== Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... =================================== Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech Support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah....................Thank You. ============================================= Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech Support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... ============================================= Tech Support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in Capital Letters? ============================================= Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Tech Support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five Stars. ==================================== Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, Sorry... Internet Explorer. ============================================== Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. ============================================== Tech Support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? ============================================== A woman customer called the Canon Help Desk with a problem with her printer. Tech Support: Are you running it under Windows? Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
CaptDevil Gallente Federal Defence Union	Posted - 2008.08.26 13:52:00 - [2] And last but not least... Tech Support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P. Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech Support: "P"....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Luke Rygel Amarr Rygel Industries	Posted - 2008.08.26 13:56:00 - [3] I lol'd at most of those, but most customers aren't that smart sadly. So glad I don't do tech support anymore ---------------------------------------------- Taking something from one person is called stealing, taking everything from everybody is called government.
Ruze Amarr No Applicable Corporation	Posted - 2008.08.26 13:56:00 - [4] Hilarious. And of course, the always famous 'my cupholder is broke'. The one I love, and have dealt with a bunch (and I'm not even IT, just the guy in the office who knows only a slight bit about troubleshooting) ... "My computer won't turn on." "It's probably because you unplugged it to plug in your MP3 player." Quote: If you like playing EvE, but don't like to PvP ... Maybe it's time you recognize that you don't really like to play EvE.
Rubra J. S. Bach In memoriam	Posted - 2008.08.26 14:10:00 - [5] I must say I prefer these sorts of threads in GD far more than I prefer the traditional whine and troll bread and butter. Three cheers for GD threads of a lighter sort! \o/ \o/ \o/
Rashmika Clavain Gallente Revelation Space	Posted - 2008.08.26 14:14:00 - [6] I lol'd Quote: Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Tech Support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five Stars. Removed. Please keep your EVE signature related to your EVE persona and not that of a real life politician. Navigator
Sensor Echo Temple of the Blue Fish	Posted - 2008.08.26 14:26:00 - [7] Edited by: Sensor Echo on 26/08/2008 14:26:22 This one happened to me a couple of years ago - I was having trouble sending e-mail so I went on to the hosts online help and explained that I was having trouble sending e-mail. He takes a few details and tries some stuff, gets back to me, none of that works and I'd checked it before anyway. So he says that he's all out of ideas and the probably the best solution is to SEND AN E-MAIL TO TECH SUPPORT. Needless to say I changed e-mail provider quite quickly after that ------------------------------------ The EvE online general discussion forum - you will never find a more wretched hive of s****and villainy
Daylen Drazzi Caldari GoonFleet GoonSwarm	Posted - 2008.08.26 14:26:00 - [8] Had a center manager call in yesterday and he wanted to check to make sure the backup drive we sent him and walked him through installing last Friday was working. Took a look at our backup aborts and his center was still on the list with a media error. Suggested there might be a problem with his backup disk and his response was "Oh, there isn't a disk in the drive - hasn't been one for months. Should I put one in?" Went and spoke with our Disaster Recovery & Backup guy and he just closed his eyes and shook his head and said "And they wonder why I'm looking for a new job?". "Ya see us Goons neva lose, If we'r dead, we'r dead so nobody cares, If'n we win we'v won, so's only we cares If'n we run away we always come back later so Goons neva lose ya see?"
Ruze Amarr No Applicable Corporation	Posted - 2008.08.26 14:35:00 - [9] Was still playing 'SWG' not too long back, and we were all awaiting the release of thier latest bit of content. The day arrives, and as usual I'm up early, and try to log in. No patch file runs, no download, just straight to 'entering game'. I think, 'okay, must have downloaded it during the night'. But I can't get into game, just the character select screen. So off to the forums I go, and loe and behold, I'm not the only one with this problem, nor am I the only one who noticed a lack of updating or patches. Referred to tech support, who then has me delete various cache files, check numerous antivirus programs and even command prompt to test ping. All the while, I'm telling this guy that I don't think I even got the new patch. I ain't a technical sort, can't program HTML, much less a real code, but I am a fan of common sense and observation. I end up almost losing my temper on this guy, who was also a GM. He gives me all these directions, sends me an email so that I can give him a full report of my computers connection, yadda yadda. Two hours later, a different GM hits the forums and says that the client we were using (a test client anyway, so they should have seen this coming) wasn't programmed to change the files the latest upload had to change, and thus, none of us got the patch. My only answer? "No sht." Quote:* If you like playing EvE, but don't like to PvP ... Maybe it's time you recognize that you don't really like to play EvE.
Dyvim Slorm Relentless Storm Cartel	Posted - 2008.08.26 14:43:00 - [10] When I used to work in IT support my favourite was: User: My monitor doesn't work Me: Is it switched on? User: Oh, I didn't think of that. Worst thing was, a few months later the guy phones me and we have exactly the same conversation again.
Dr Slaughter Minmatar Rabies Inc.	Posted - 2008.08.26 15:00:00 - [11] Not a support thing but I always smile when I see Keyboard failure, press F1 to continue ~~~~ There is no parody in this thread. Honest.
Kalazar Amarr STeeLGamers	Posted - 2008.08.26 15:01:00 - [12] Used to work for business broadband tech support, and I remember one woman ringing in absolutely furious. Her: The router you sent me doesn't work! It's broken! I'm a business customer and every minute I can't connect to YOUR internet service costs me money! Me: Ok, what seems to be the problem with it? Her: It's broken! None of the lights are on and I can't connect to the internet! Me: Ok then, could you just check the leads for me, there should be a power lead, a dsl cable connecting it to your microfilter, which should be plugged into your phone socket... Her: (cutting me off) What?! Why should there be wires?! Your box says that it's a WIRELESS router! And now you're telling me I need wires?! Surely then it isn't actually a Wireless router! I then spent some time explaining to this woman that, whilst yes the box did say "wireless" it did not mean that she could just take it out of the box and that by some divine act it would work instantly.
Sheriff Jones Amarr Clinical Experiment	Posted - 2008.08.26 15:03:00 - [13] Good stuff Let me contribute ring ring ETS: EVE Tech Support, how may i help you? C: There's too many pirates killing my ships! ETS: Please hold sir. C: Argh... ETS: Sir? C: Yes?! ETS: We have looked through your problem, and it seems that Hello Kitty Online is that way. Good day sir. click My opinions represent the opinions of my corporation completely. I'm the CEO damnit.
Crumplecorn Gallente Eve Cluster Explorations	Posted - 2008.08.26 15:35:00 - [14] Originally by: Rubra I must say I prefer these sorts of threads in GD far more than I prefer the traditional whine and troll bread and butter. Then you should read OOPE, because that is where this belongs. "Can't find the any key." "Download the Internet onto a disk." You can flesh out the details in your minds. Imagination is a wonderful thing, use it. - DesuSigs
Rubra J. S. Bach In memoriam	Posted - 2008.08.26 15:43:00 - [15] Originally by: Crumplecorn Then you should read OOPE, because that is where this belongs. But I post in OOPE often!
Crumplecorn Gallente Eve Cluster Explorations	Posted - 2008.08.26 15:45:00 - [16] Originally by: Rubra Originally by: Crumplecorn Then you should read OOPE, because that is where this belongs. But I post in OOPE often! So, if you post in OOPE, and you prefer it's style of posts, why are you here? In fact why are any of us here? If a tree falls in a forest... - DesuSigs
Ruze Amarr No Applicable Corporation	Posted - 2008.08.26 15:48:00 - [17] Originally by: Crumplecorn If a tree falls in a forest... Who will be there to hear the tree hugger cry? Quote: If you like playing EvE, but don't like to PvP ... Maybe it's time you recognize that you don't really like to play EvE.
Crumplecorn Gallente Eve Cluster Explorations	Posted - 2008.08.26 15:50:00 - [18] Originally by: Ruze Originally by: Crumplecorn If a tree falls in a forest... Who will be there to hear the tree hugger cry? If there is no-one there to hear them, will they... - DesuSigs
Ruze Amarr No Applicable Corporation	Posted - 2008.08.26 15:53:00 - [19] Originally by: Crumplecorn Originally by: Ruze Originally by: Crumplecorn If a tree falls in a forest... Who will be there to hear the tree hugger cry? If there is no-one there to hear them, will they... 're bodies be found by the police? Quote: If you like playing EvE, but don't like to PvP ... Maybe it's time you recognize that you don't really like to play EvE.
Riga Mortiss	Posted - 2008.08.26 16:17:00 - [20] Edited by: Riga Mortiss on 26/08/2008 16:17:57 This says it all Linkage
Highwind Cid	Posted - 2008.08.26 16:23:00 - [21] Originally by: Ruze Originally by: Crumplecorn Originally by: Ruze Originally by: Crumplecorn If a tree falls in a forest... Who will be there to hear the tree hugger cry? If there is no-one there to hear them, will they... 're bodies be found by the police? There once was a Pharaoh who built a great pyramid, out of tears.
Sol'Kanar Minmatar I Am Not A Lawyer	Posted - 2008.08.26 16:44:00 - [22] Years ago I worked for a tech support firm that was contracted to troubleshoot and support AS400's for a large insurance company. Here's some calls I had as I can remember them. Caller: Yes, hi. My fcking printer blew up. I need someone to come out here to fix this. Me: Are you ok? Was anyone injured? Caller: No, it didn't really* blow up, *******. It just stopped working. Me: Well that explains it! I was wondering why you called me instead of the fire department. Kermit (seriously, his name was kermit): I don't know how to do a mail merge. Me: I only support your AS400 in your office sir. I can transfer you to desktop support. Kermit: What? No! Those guys are useless. Me: I'm sorry sir, I know it's not easy being green. Yiota (pronounced "Yoda". No, I'm not shitting you): I can't get report XYZ to run on my terminal. Me: I'm sorry, what was your name? Yiota: "Yo-da" Me: Hmm.. Have you tried using the force? Caller: My terminal is blank. Me: Are you certain it's turned on? Caller: I can't tell. Me: You can't see the power indicator? Caller: No, I can't see anything. It's very dark in here. Me: The lights are off? Could you turn them on? Caller: No, the power is out.
sg3s Battlestars GoonSwarm	Posted - 2008.08.26 16:52:00 - [23] Can you guys stop posting cliche qoutes that have aged quite a bit... most of these are from 1995 or earlyer, I mean common. Originally by: Tarminic Because even when EVE sucks, it sucks less than every other MMO out there.
Stu Pendisdick Caldari School of Applied Knowledge	Posted - 2008.08.26 17:59:00 - [24] And then there is the all-time priceless classic, for the win: "Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" ....."Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ....."Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ....."Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach it." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes. I keep them in the closet." "Good! Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really! Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Ami Nia	Posted - 2008.08.26 18:21:00 - [25] Now, really, any one that likes this sort of technolaugh shall not miss the almighty BOFH
Ehranavaar	Posted - 2008.08.26 19:04:00 - [26] it's not always moronic customers. had a problem with my email some years ago and called the local isp for some help. being a sunday morning i can only imagine the most jr loser on the team was the guy on duty. he was spectacularly unable to offer any useful advice though he did suggest a format c drive would "fix" my problem. the only consolation was that when i changed providers they discovered i'd been given free service for a couple years and would i please pay up now. got to say they were worth every penny i didn't pay them.
Woodwraith Digital assassins	Posted - 2008.08.26 21:56:00 - [27] The website is down.

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