Arc D'landrus
Center for Advanced Studies
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Posted - 2008.11.10 09:44:00 -
[2]
So, I like what you're doing with the concept, about writing a story from a perspective that most people wouldn't be coming from.
Some thoughts:
I found the first two acts of the story engaging, though I felt that for the word commitment, didn't exercise a strong sense of momentum. It seemed as though a rather large amount of word investment was spent going over the aspects of the ship's gunnery, where as that could have been cut down to allow for more character interactions and understanding. Also, with any work of fiction based on another fictional entity, a fairly large amount of playing into that original entity ends up occurring, I just wanted to point out not to let that sway any creative choices, it's usually detrimental to settle in lieu of those situations.
In line with the Amarr Ideology of Salvation, I found the final act fell off the wagon with your story focusing on Floreina's mental anguish, and the need for this ship to maintain its slave population.
It just seemed odd that a race of people so entwined in their religious dogma would engage in such an open act of homicide. I'm not saying I don't buy that the Amarr are willing kill their slaves if they found them useless. But I don't see it happing in any sort of situation outside of a very organized ceremonial procession.
My suggestion for this, would be to work over the third act (maybe have them help the slave to safety initially, both playing with his emotions, and floteinaÆs, only for both of them to go through the motions of his sacrifice as the finale), and work into the plot how the Amarr view their slaves maybe less as property, and more akin to something like a pet, that has be looked over with a perspective of helplessness, and of guidance. It could do a lot to ground your characters, and build in a stronger sense of perspective, which seems to be an underlying theme to the story.
Anyways, some thoughts for you to consider. Always fun to read something to goes beyond the basic. 
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Easy Dude. You're being very un-Dude.
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