Originally by: Tzetzas

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Even the most casual of Crime & Punishment readers are familiar with the typical EVE pirateÆs penchant for tears. Pirates often describe their enjoyment of tears with boasts about how 'sweet' or 'delicious' they are. Based on these kinds of statements we can surmise that pirates do, in fact, consume the tears they strive so hard to produce, much the way an average player would consume a glass of water or a refreshing bottle of Quafe.

But why would anyone go to such lengths for a beverage while supplies of alternatives are available so readily? Perhaps there is something unique about tears that satisfy a desire in pirates that no other liquid nourishment can. LetÆs explore this theory a little further.

Of the three basic types of tears, pirates are adept at stimulating the production of only one, the so-called æpsychic tearsÆ brought on by emotions, suffering, and physical pain. The chemical make-up of these tears differs significantly from the others, containing significant amounts of various protein-based hormones.

One of these hormones, prolactin, is responsible for the regulation of lactation and the suppression of libido. Since the majority of pirates are either male or males pretending to be female we can discount the lactation effects. The ability of prolactin to control libido does raise an interesting question. Do pirates strive to produce and consume tears in order to control their enormous sexual appetites? It is a real and frightening possibility.

A second hormone, corticotrophin, would seem to negate this possibility as it is partly responsible for the increased production of various androgen hormones, which while increasing muscle mass tend to cause underdevelopment of the sexual organs. Are pirates totally ripped, but impotent and subject to episodes of æroid-rage? That would explain a lotà

It seems this exploration raises more questions than it resolves, but I have great hope that further research into this baffling phenomenon will provide satisfactory answers in time.

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