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Che Biko
Humanitarian Communists
119
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Posted - 2012.12.02 16:51:00 -
[1] - Quote
Content coming soon,
I want to use the next 3 replies as well, so please don't post until I've indicated I'm done. Contraband Smuggling: Player Assisted Customs |
Che Biko
Humanitarian Communists
119
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Posted - 2012.12.02 16:51:00 -
[2] - Quote
RESERVED Contraband Smuggling: Player Assisted Customs |
Che Biko
Humanitarian Communists
119
|
Posted - 2012.12.02 16:52:00 -
[3] - Quote
RESERVED Contraband Smuggling: Player Assisted Customs |
Che Biko
Humanitarian Communists
123
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Posted - 2012.12.02 17:02:00 -
[4] - Quote
Well, that's it. I hope you enjoyed reading it. Feel free to comment and recommend. Contraband Smuggling: Player Assisted Customs |
Alizabeth Vea
Demon-War-Lords Fatal Ascension
36
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Posted - 2012.12.20 02:24:00 -
[5] - Quote
Engrossing story. The use of the present tense can often be difficult to pull off, but you do it well. Likes all around.
A Guide to Good Posting:-áhttps://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=182980&find=unread I have a jar on my desk. -áIt is a magickal jar that I use to collect pubby tears, but no matter how many tears are collected, it is never full enough for me. |
Sepherim
Imperial Shipment Amarr Empire
28
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Posted - 2012.12.20 02:58:00 -
[6] - Quote
Very nice job indeed, with a main character that adquires depth and develops interestingly, and nice questions raised. A very good job indeed! Sepherim Catillah; Ex-Imperial Navy Officer |
Che Biko
Humanitarian Communists
377
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Posted - 2013.02.27 15:35:00 -
[7] - Quote
Quote:The narrative of this story was fairly schizophrenic, switching between overwritten and underwritten at seemingly random. I also felt the ending was rather weak; dream reveals are rarely satisfying.
For the over/underwritten comment (since I know that's not exactly the most clear comment), it essentially means how complicated the language was. At some points it would be too complicated on the side of flowery, and other times it would be uncomplicated on the side of dry. If you can find a midpoint, it would probably be much better.
Telegram Sam wrote:Hi Che,
"Nightmares" was a good one. A good plot, with an intriguing twist at the end. Some twisted psychology there. I like the way the reader is left at the end to fill in the narrator's character and future. Only remorse from the dream is the "silly aspects," such as the low-tech hive mind and the tactic of ramming the station. I can't place which story, but it kind of reminds me of Edgar Allen Poe. The narrator hasn't done the deed yet, but he may do it when the circumstances align just the right way.
I honestly didn't notice the insider jokes/references. I guess I just wasn't thinking that way. I was thinking more about the protagonist and the tension built around him. But I'm kind of dense about references like that, if I'm absorbed in the action of the story. Eterne would probably be more likely to spot things like that than I would.
Suggestions for possible improvements.: A little more rounding-out in the text might have been good. Some more details along the way to give the reader images or insights to give the story a little more depth. A slightly slower pace, and some more rounding out. I've said the same thingt to almost everybody who asked for feedback. "A little more depth or details to give the illusion of being alive and make the reader suspend disbelief and temporarily live in the story' setting." Of course, I realize many people had to move quickly through the plot to get it told in 5,000 words or less. The balance between pace and depth is tricky-- I'm not saying what I can do as a writer, I'm saying what I'd like to see as picky reader. :]
Along the same lines, I'd have liked to see the girlfriend have used just a little more developing. I know her function was mostly just to be a foil for the protagonist. But a couple of more sentences to round her out would have helped me picture her better. Then again, you may have intentionally wanted to leave her as not more than just a nebulous concept in the protagonist's self-centered mind. If that was the choice, then maybe just a little more text in the last paragraphs to reinforce that (the narrator's cold, rather warped mind) would help drive the point home.
Anyway, those are my thoughts from the peanut gallery. Honest and frank feedback from one aspiring writer to another.. : ] But to close, I want to say that "Nightmares" was a good story with excellent, totally original concepts, and told well. My suggestions aren't criticisms, they're just ideas for making it a perfect story-- from the perspective of just this one reader.
Hope to see some more stories man.
o7 Sam Nightmares - A short story by Ch+¬ Biko |
Marcus Dreddlin
Red Sun Industries Moose Alliance
6
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Posted - 2013.03.01 14:48:00 -
[8] - Quote
Good story! EVE fiction has to be appropriately dark. |
Ari Laveran
L.O.T.I.S. RISE of LEGION
12
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Posted - 2013.05.12 02:27:00 -
[9] - Quote
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, The tone did sway back and forth a bit from concise simple descriptions to "flowery" metaphor but I can't say if that was intentional or not. Regardless it seemed to serve the narrators twisted views and did not harm the piece as whole. |
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