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Author |
Thread Statistics | Show CCP posts - 3 post(s) |
Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
528
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Posted - 2015.07.30 18:56:42 -
[1] - Quote
Sat on the terrace, knocking back a cheeky little Rioja and watching the sun go down behind a beach packed with pert lovelies.
Don't be jelly, my wife will be back in a few minutes.
Also page 3 is unacceptable. |
Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
640
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Posted - 2015.08.30 15:22:18 -
[2] - Quote
You can create custom thongs on Cafepress.
Just saying. |
Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
713
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Posted - 2015.10.02 20:15:43 -
[3] - Quote
Jon FrozenWater wrote:no ballz
It's always the same. Every time I go away, someone relevant shows up and wants a fair fight.
I swear I'm cursed. |
Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
729
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Posted - 2015.10.09 12:10:00 -
[4] - Quote
Jamwara DelCalicoe Ashley wrote:Gooooood morning. Who's still awake?? o.O
I'm at work and vertical, that's the best I can do I'm afraid. |
Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
766
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Posted - 2015.10.17 20:29:57 -
[5] - Quote
Ralph King-Griffin wrote:
Love it. Bless.
Was telling Jam earlier today about my 5yr old who is trained to scream "PLUS ONE!" if I'm afk. |
Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
773
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Posted - 2015.10.18 10:19:37 -
[6] - Quote
Seriously you need to train one. It'a awesome watching them develop into players. I started my son off with simple courier runs and he already has a few explorer kills in wspace and can run l4s :) |
Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
876
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Posted - 2015.11.23 22:17:49 -
[7] - Quote
I don't always bump threads, but when I do it's because there's a distinct lack of pod goo in my hair.
Taking contracts, names and caffeine supplements.
Contact Sir Tearz or Lord Razpataz for a quote. |
Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
913
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Posted - 2015.12.15 13:38:21 -
[8] - Quote
It's almost Christmas and activity will undoubtedly sky-rocket as people flock to their PCs in order to get away from their fat, ungrateful capitalist families.
You know that guy you hate? The one in local that's always talking about his Orca boosts and how he has a new skin and blah-blah-de-blahditty-blah? Yeah? Well he's going to buy himself a pimp fit Marauder for Christmas with plex. Mmm... shiny new Marauder... and then what do you think is going to happen? He's going to go on and on and on about how much ISK he's making until you're blue in the porthole.
We have duct tape and ball gags.
Just sayin.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
921
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Posted - 2015.12.16 16:28:45 -
[9] - Quote
Jamwara DelCalicoe Ashley wrote:Mortlake wrote:It's almost Christmas and activity will undoubtedly sky-rocket as people flock to their PCs in order to get away from their fat, ungrateful capitalist families.
You know that guy you hate? The one in local that's always talking about his Orca boosts and how he has a new skin and blah-blah-de-blahditty-blah? Yeah? Well he's going to buy himself a pimp fit Marauder for Christmas with plex. Mmm... shiny new Marauder... and then what do you think is going to happen? He's going to go on and on and on about how much ISK he's making until you're blue in the porthole.
We have duct tape and ball gags.
Just sayin.
Where do we keep the ball gags?
Bottom drawer, behind the jar of souls and underneath Ralph's wig. Wear gloves. |
Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
921
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Posted - 2015.12.16 16:39:08 -
[10] - Quote
Recorded a roam from the other night. Enjoy. Hero tackle at 0:37. |
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
929
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Posted - 2015.12.16 20:51:12 -
[11] - Quote
Sounds like it was a fun night. I've been shampooing my beard and ironing my Jedi outfit all day for the premier at midnight. Hopefully I can make it on later if I'm not too giggly. |
Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
946
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Posted - 2015.12.23 01:13:33 -
[12] - Quote
Ralph King-Griffin wrote: I do have this Klondike bar though ...
The hairy one? The one I use to de-fluff the communal gusset? You can't give that away, Ralph. It's so old and has so much organic matter embedded in it that it's practically sentient. Try putting it on a table in a very quiet room and mentioning in a casual manner that you're feeling peckish. If you listen very carefully, you can hear it crying. |
Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
953
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Posted - 2015.12.24 09:50:55 -
[13] - Quote
Morgan Agrivar wrote:I looked into possibly joining DWA but I don't have scout alts. :(
:(
I looked into possibly getting breast implants but I don't have a sugar daddy. |
Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
1005
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Posted - 2016.01.04 15:44:45 -
[14] - Quote
Darling, pants are so 2015. |
Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
1044
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Posted - 2016.01.11 00:45:25 -
[15] - Quote
Apologies. We are now returning to our scheduled programme. |
Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
1403
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Posted - 2016.01.24 13:50:23 -
[16] - Quote
I'm still waiting for my custom-made pitchfork nipple clamps (mains & battery option included). I love the pineapple and flamingo set that I have, but I wouldn't wear them undocked. |
Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
1528
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Posted - 2016.01.26 13:52:13 -
[17] - Quote
I was only gone 24hrs. Who left the cat flap open?
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
1692
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Posted - 2016.01.30 11:13:51 -
[18] - Quote
I have no intention of providing services in exchange for cheap melon shots, so please stop emailing me with pictures of bockwurst and kiwi fruit.
I will, however, provide you with one from a recent shoot I did for Buff Brutor magazine.
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
1744
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Posted - 2016.01.31 21:09:46 -
[19] - Quote
Who farted?
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
1750
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Posted - 2016.01.31 21:31:01 -
[20] - Quote
There it is again. Could someone open a window?
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
1803
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Posted - 2016.02.04 09:49:50 -
[21] - Quote
My beard aches for combat.
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
1820
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Posted - 2016.02.05 00:21:52 -
[22] - Quote
Yourmoney Mywallet wrote:You're not honestly calling that thing a beard.
Honestly? Yes. Yes I am. Mainly because it's not a moustache. It used to be a moustache, and a carnivorous moustache at that. We had a beautifully simple, symbiotic relationship for many years. I'd trough like a hog and 'Melvin' would clean up when I was done.
One fateful evening, after arriving back at station following a horrendously heavy drinking session, I happened upon a Fedo doing unmentionable things on the mat outside the door to my quarters. To say I was unimpressed would be an understatement, and due to the amount of alcohol I'd consumed I wasn't exactly in a position to exercise much self control.
A few swift kicks to the nose rendered the disgusting, flatulent blob unconscious, and without thinking (as I often don't) I dragged the helpless little chap inside. I guess that in my drunken stupor I must have thought it a would be a good idea to throw him into the wardrobe and lock the door, because around 4am I was awoken by the most terrible screams emanating from the bedroom. I unpeeled myself off the floor where I'd passed out, and with my hands over my ears I approached the wardrobe, which by now was practically shaking itself apart.
Unsure whether to open the door or not, I sat at the foot of the bed and considered my predicament. Firstly I had a splitting headache and the screaming wasn't helping. Secondly, I liked my wardrobe, and the fat sack of pod snot inside was very likely to destroy it from the inside out. Thirdly, I wanted another drink, and there was no way I was going out and leaving Mr Mucous to slide around in my quarters, especially as I'd only just finished wallpapering and my ear collection was out for it's yearly airing.
Stroking my moustache thoughtfully, I began pacing around the room, trying to think of a way to get out of this ridiculous predicament when suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my right index finger. Melvin had bitten me, and that could only mean one thing. He was hungry.
Only once before had this ever happened, and for the life of me at the time I couldn't work out why he'd done it. Now I knew. He wanted Fedo meat; he wanted it bad!
Several years ago, I'd gone on vacation to Ashab II (a huge undertaking for me as I never leave Romi) and happened to find myself in a rather posh Gallentean establishment serving Fedo in garlic butter. As I lifted the first spoonful to my mouth, Melvin practically ripped himself from his moorings and dived headlong into the bowl, rolling around in Fedo medallions with gay abandon. It was all rather embarrassing.
Naturally as I was inebriated, I'd forgotten about how Melvin felt about Fedos. Melvin hadn't though, and as I tried desperately to soothe him he suddenly sprang forward, pushing between my fingers and throwing his full weight against the wardrobe, scratching it slightly; then slowly but surely, he inched his way across the face of the door and in through the vent at the top.
There followed a few seconds of deathly silence, then the most blood curdling screams you could possibly imagine which seemed to last for hours upon hours, or perhaps I dreamt it. I'd passed out, again.
I'm not entirely sure how long I slept, but by the time I awoke, the bedroom was silent. Rising from the bed I surveyed the scene. The wardrobe door lay wide open and inside was the shrivelled husk of a Fedo, simply skin and slime and nothing more, hanging pathetically from a coat hook. All my beautiful clothes were ruined, dripping with thick, pink goo. Instinctively my hand went up to my face, but Melvin wasn't there. I sat back down on the bed, put my head in my hands and began to cry. Melvin had gone.
I'd probably been been sobbing for a few minutes when I noticed an itch developing on my ankle. Reaching down to scratch, I felt something small and fluffy and upon opening my eyes I saw it was Melvin, crawling up my leg, fat and bloated with Fedo meat and growling all the while. Not wanting to anger him further, I retracted my hand and watched with happy tears as he struggled past my knee, up my thigh and on to my stomach, pausing to take a breath every few inches. I could see he was exhausted but was hesitant to help as I couldn't be sure how he'd react.
After several hours, the poor little guy had made it as far as my chin. With his breathing by now very laboured, he nestled into the crook of my chin and gave a barely audible sigh, then began purring contentedly.
Melvin had found his new home. Melvin had evolved. Melvin was a beard.
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
1829
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Posted - 2016.02.08 11:28:53 -
[23] - Quote
Starrakatt wrote:
Misconceptions.
You've got me all wrong. He's shampooed every day and I regularly moisturise my chin. He's well cared for.
Thanks for the Fedo anyway, mang.
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
1916
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Posted - 2016.02.20 00:57:16 -
[24] - Quote
I'm not creepy, I just vocalize what everyone else is thinking.
I love you too Omar.
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
1943
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Posted - 2016.02.26 10:58:17 -
[25] - Quote
Thread saved from almost certain page 2.
Available for hire.
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
1944
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Posted - 2016.02.26 20:21:31 -
[26] - Quote
Omar Alharazaad wrote:Why is hiring us a good idea?
Odds are fairly good that that birthday pony wont be leaving a virgin either.
... and they have the gall to call me the bizarre one.
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
1993
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Posted - 2016.03.06 15:53:56 -
[27] - Quote
Today I killed a man. I killed a man whilst listening to the Airwolf Theme. I don't think I'll ever be the same again.
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2036
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Posted - 2016.03.11 14:21:30 -
[28] - Quote
This week I have mostly been eating Raspberry Pop TartsGäó.
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2040
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Posted - 2016.03.11 17:12:29 -
[29] - Quote
Posting at a funeral. I have no shame.
#heretic
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2045
|
Posted - 2016.03.13 12:13:27 -
[30] - Quote
Another beautiful day on the farm.
We're all at Sunday School right now, but we'll be happy to assist you when we run out of duct tape and lard.
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2047
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Posted - 2016.03.13 17:40:25 -
[31] - Quote
Noragen Neirfallas wrote:Ralph I'm Still waiting for my Devil Thong...
Get in line.
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Brutor Tribe
2093
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Posted - 2016.04.03 19:40:36 -
[32] - Quote
Reliable, dependable and lots of other words ending in 'able'.
Hire these guys, they won't let you down.
Farewell, it's been fun!
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Brutor Tribe
2093
|
Posted - 2016.04.03 22:34:51 -
[33] - Quote
Noragen Neirfallas wrote:Mortlake wrote:Reliable, dependable and lots of other words ending in 'able'.
Hire these guys, they won't let you down.
Farewell, it's been fun! Rabble? Where to next Mort?
I'm retiring from public life completely my friend though I appreciate the offer.
Keep doing great things.
Ralph King-Griffin wrote:
To greaness i imagine,
Been an absolute pleasure and an honour mate
Thanks Ralph. The feeling's mutual. You're all without exception great guys to fly with.
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. Truth be told, I've been pretty unlucky.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2514
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Posted - 2016.10.30 17:46:46 -
[34] - Quote
Just because I came back, it doesn't mean I've forgiven you CCP.
However, I will endeavour to persevere.
Don't click me. Just, don't.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2547
|
Posted - 2016.11.12 07:12:08 -
[35] - Quote
In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.
You get the general idea... but people will die and payment will be required.
Oh, and we don't have a van, just an ammo truck.
I was told to remove my signature, so I have.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2552
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Posted - 2016.11.13 04:03:14 -
[36] - Quote
Scared? Upset? Tense, nervous headache? What you need is a nice cup of HTFU.
Or contact Sir Tearz / Lord Razpataz if you're not into the whole self loathing thing and get your problems dealt with in a professional and efficient manner by us.
Word to your mother.
I was told to remove my signature, so I have.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2564
|
Posted - 2016.11.17 20:56:33 -
[37] - Quote
Eh?
I was told to remove my signature, so I have.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2564
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Posted - 2016.11.18 15:56:56 -
[38] - Quote
Mewling, tinfoil-clad shitter alert.
Show me one instance where a Devil contract hasn't been honoured.
I was told to remove my signature, so I have.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2570
|
Posted - 2016.11.18 18:21:27 -
[39] - Quote
IChooseYou wrote:
Fair enough. To be completely honest though, I think that VMG has given you all a worse reputation. Who knows, maybe you will be able to spin it to your advantage!
Cheers guys.
Anna, pls.
I was told to remove my signature, so I have.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2572
|
Posted - 2016.11.19 01:12:30 -
[40] - Quote
I demand a test card.
I was told to remove my signature, so I have.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2584
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Posted - 2016.11.25 22:32:21 -
[41] - Quote
Tig3r Styl3 wrote: Number 1 Merc. They dont camp jita (4-4) like VMG. Hire Them!!!
I like my cheerleaders to have ample pom poms and tight little routines.
I was told to remove my signature, so I have.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2587
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Posted - 2016.11.26 09:17:33 -
[42] - Quote
Anyone who tells you that you're a wuss for hiring a merc to do your 'dirty work' clearly has no pride. It's a hard, cold, fedo-eat-fedo galaxy out there, and sometimes we all need a little help to get the upper hand.
Come and talk to us, we're not as expensive as you might think and we'll go the extra mile to ensure your happiness.
I was told to remove my signature, so I have.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2589
|
Posted - 2016.11.28 08:57:45 -
[43] - Quote
renwahh wrote:
Now thats gonna stick in your head all day.
I hate you.
I was told to remove my signature, so I have.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2597
|
Posted - 2016.12.01 07:53:16 -
[44] - Quote
Lig3r Bil3s wrote:Archetype will be back.
And destroy all her enemies!!!
Oh? That's nice, dear.
I was told to remove my signature, so I have.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2607
|
Posted - 2016.12.02 13:16:00 -
[45] - Quote
See above.
Death, money and stuff.
I was told to remove my signature, so I have.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2620
|
Posted - 2016.12.18 22:51:19 -
[46] - Quote
Veine Miromme wrote: Would that include Escort services in the right conditions?
I'll dress any way you want if you promise to buy me a McFlurry afterwards, sweetheart.
I was told to remove my signature, so I have.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2662
|
Posted - 2017.01.08 16:44:25 -
[47] - Quote
Noragen Neirfallas wrote:Lord Razpataz wrote:Vipsan Agrippa wrote:Not getting enough merc contracts eh Razzy, bored sitting around station with your corporation playing naked twister? You have never attended one of our naked twister party's have you? If you had.. you would know its anything than boring. Vouch
Slippery would be an understatement.
I was told to remove my signature, so I have.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2704
|
Posted - 2017.01.20 16:50:24 -
[48] - Quote
Ralph King-Griffin wrote:renwahh wrote:Anyone got a jump starter?.. Need to crank this impossible drive back into motion from my winters rest Actually more of a forced rest after having a fight with a ladder I once lost a fight to a small fold out Festival Chair. No really, had a black eye and everything. Apparently it was a spectacular fight given one side of it was entirely inanimate.
LOL.
I once went for hot stone treatment on my back. It was very nice except for the fact that the young gentleman who was treating me had wood.
I made some light-hearted quip about it (something along the lines of "Is that for me to bite down on?") and within seconds he'd dragged me off the bed and started swinging at me (his arms, that is).
After what seemed like forever he calmed down, most likely due to the fact that I had him in an arm lock. He apologised, I paid and I left.
What I've always wanted to know is this - was he angry because I made what could be misconstrued as a suggestion that he was gay (not bothered - quite flattered in fact), or because I'd embarrassed him?
Anyway, it's nice to know you've still got it at my age.
I was told to remove my signature, so I have.
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Mortlake
Devils Rejects 666
2796
|
Posted - 2017.03.09 23:00:25 -
[49] - Quote
Noragen Neirfallas wrote:Saeger1737 wrote:Noragen Neirfallas wrote:Mortlake wrote:Veine Miromme wrote: Would that include Escort services in the right conditions?
I'll dress any way you want if you promise to buy me a McFlurry afterwards, sweetheart. Oi I'm the official Highsec escourt boy around these parts. Just ask Tora You wear a cheap black dress and follow another man around making him look good? There is nothing cheap about this dress.
Is that the one with the aftermarket porthole?
I was told to remove my signature, so I have.
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Mortlake
Somalian Coast Guard Authority
3077
|
Posted - 2017.06.01 19:17:21 -
[50] - Quote
Happy Birthday man.
Barry Manilow LP primed and ready.
Sometimes you hit the bar and sometimes the bar hits you...
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