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Lovely Dumplings
Lambda Mining
45
   |
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:26:00 -
[1] - Quote
So I just found out that my grandfather, whom I had a close relationship growing up with, recently died. My parents decided not to tell me because they were afraid I'd bring my Significant Other and "cause conflict" in the family.
Grandpa was a WW2 vet. I was planning on attending his funeral in uniform and assist with the honor detail (I'm a military vet).
So, Eve has been my on again-off again family over the years...what do I do? I've never been this angry in my life.
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?) |
Kahu ia Kane'ohe
Blue Republic
RvB - BLUE Republic
119
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:37:00 -
[2] - Quote
Why were your parents hiding the fact that he recently passed? They should absolutely not hide anything of that nature away from you, NOT even if it might cause conflict, because news like that needs to get to you ASAP, and you have every right to be mad at your parents right now.
-ia Kane'ohe
~Sriracha's evil twin |
Destination SkillQueue
Are We There Yet
3962
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:38:00 -
[3] - Quote
Tell your parents, that they did they right thing by intentionally spitting in your face, while disrespecting and alienating your immediate loved ones, so no conflict could possibly be caused by this within the family.  |
Lovely Dumplings
Lambda Mining
45
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:40:00 -
[4] - Quote
Kahu ia Kane'ohe wrote:Why were your parents hiding the fact that he recently passed? They should absolutely not hide anything of that nature away from you, NOT even if it might cause conflict, because news like that needs to get to you ASAP, and you have every right to be mad at your parents right now.
-ia Kane'ohe
The reason i was given was: "Well if we had told you when it happened you would have shown up at the funeral with your partner, and you know how the rest of the family would react to that." They basically waited till after the funeral, to tell me. |
Bane Necran
Appono Astos
1503
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:41:00 -
[5] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?)
That would make more sense to say AFTER someone makes a big deal about it.
I would have suggested just going alone. Your significant other probably never even met your grandfather anyway. My parents frequently go solo to different funerals, and when my friends and relatives start dying in greater numbers i won't force any partner i have to go to funerals for people they never met.
"The nice thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive." ~Kenneth Williams |
Kahu ia Kane'ohe
Blue Republic
RvB - BLUE Republic
119
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:41:00 -
[6] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:
The reason i was given was: "Well if we had told you when it happened you would have shown up at the funeral with your partner, and you know how the rest of the family would react to that." They basically waited till after the funeral, to tell me.
So you didn't even attend the funeral?
~Sriracha's evil twin |
Lovely Dumplings
Lambda Mining
45
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:46:00 -
[7] - Quote
Kahu ia Kane'ohe wrote:Lovely Dumplings wrote:
The reason i was given was: "Well if we had told you when it happened you would have shown up at the funeral with your partner, and you know how the rest of the family would react to that." They basically waited till after the funeral, to tell me.
So you didn't even attend the funeral?
Nope, didn't get to attend. I got told Grandpa died today, the day after they held the funeral. |
Arkenai Wyrnspire
Turalyon Plus
19
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:48:00 -
[8] - Quote
I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm even more sorry that it caused so much strife. |
Destination SkillQueue
Are We There Yet
3963
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:49:00 -
[9] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:Kahu ia Kane'ohe wrote:Lovely Dumplings wrote:
The reason i was given was: "Well if we had told you when it happened you would have shown up at the funeral with your partner, and you know how the rest of the family would react to that." They basically waited till after the funeral, to tell me.
So you didn't even attend the funeral? Nope, didn't get to attend. I got told Grandpa died today, the day after they held the funeral.
That's pretty ******* low. It's not something I'd break a family relationship over, but it's something I'd never forgive either. |
Kahu ia Kane'ohe
Blue Republic
RvB - BLUE Republic
119
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:50:00 -
[10] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:Nope, didn't get to attend. I got told Grandpa died today, the day after they held the funeral.
Have you visited his resting place yet?
~Sriracha's evil twin |
Lovely Dumplings
Lambda Mining
45
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 22:02:00 -
[11] - Quote
Kahu ia Kane'ohe wrote:Have you visited his resting place yet?
Not yet. It's a long drive for me, and I'm not in the best condition to drive. Planning on going tomorrow, or the day after. |
Shalia Ripper
315
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 22:16:00 -
[12] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:So I just found out that my grandfather, whom I had a close relationship growing up with, recently died. My parents decided not to tell me because they were afraid I'd bring my Significant Other and "cause conflict" in the family.
Grandpa was a WW2 vet. I was planning on attending his funeral in uniform and assist with the honor detail (I'm a military vet).
So, Eve has been my on again-off again family over the years...what do I do? I've never been this angry in my life.
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?)
Go. Wear your uniform. Be polite and respect the memory of your grandfather.
Honor him and in doing so, you will be giving your parents the finger.
And take your SO. They need to learn to cope with YOUR choices as an adult.
I can empathize with you as due to religious differences, my parents did not informing me of the passing of a favorite aunt a couple of years ago. I haven't spoken to my parents in about 4 years. Their choice, not mine.
Edit to add - I didn't read the whole thread before I posted, I am very sorry you didn't get to go to his funeral.
Vote for Malcanis for CSM8
|
Eurydia Vespasian
Nova Insula Mining and Industrial
728
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 22:20:00 -
[13] - Quote
well, i think you have every right to be furious. while nothing can actually be done about the missing funeral service, you can (and should imo) give the offending party a big piece of your mind. because their behavior is abhorrent and should not be tolerated at all. |
Zimmy Zeta
RvB - RED Federation
6145
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 22:49:00 -
[14] - Quote
You don't go to his grave for your grandfather..he is dead and so he can't notice it anymore.
You don't do it for your family.. as far as you have told us, they don't have very much contact with you now anyway.
You do it for yourself.
Saying goodbye to a deceased person is a thing that you do for your own sake.
So you shouldn't care about your family, not even your partner.
This is a very intimate moment between you and your dead grandfather and nobody has the right to take it from you.
No need to provoke your family or cause a big drama. Wear the uniform or don't, do whatever makes YOU feel better about the whole situation.
Have my condolence, if this even matters to you.
Please don't feed me. |
Khergit Deserters
656
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 22:56:00 -
[15] - Quote
We had something kind of similar in my family. Our dad had a stroke in the cortex, which is what tells your heart when to beat and your lungs when to breathe. He was completely gone, no chance of recovery, already gone on to his reward. Machines in the hospital were just mechanically keeping his body going. My mom and the majority of the siblings all agreed to pull the plug. No way our dad, a pragmatic WWII vet, nature conservationist, and church-going Christian, would want his body sitting in a hospital going on like that.
Anyway, after we all left the hospital, one sibling went back and told them to keep the machines going. He wanted to wait until the next day, when his son could get to the hospital. It pissed us all off at the time. We could understand his reasons. But we couldn't understand how, after the family had all pondered and agreed on what would be our dad's wishes, we went back and secretly vetoed us. He made a decision for all of us, against our wishes, in something that involved the passing of a family member.
I think it's kind of similar to your situation in this way: If you don't like it, have the guts to tell me to my face. A family member's death is a pretty important thing, and you don't get to decide about something like that for me.
(But I will say that we eventually all forgave our sibling. And I'm glad we did. We might not respect him as much as before, but we forgave him and we accept him for who he is).
If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
|
Charlepetit LaJoie
Trust Me Ltd
148
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 23:03:00 -
[16] - Quote
I'm sorry you were treated so cruelly.
May I suggest that you hold a small remembrance service locally, inviting friends and loved ones to join with you in honoring your grandfather? It could be either a public ceremony or a small, informal gathering in your own home during which you tell a few stories about what your grandfather meant to you.
Grieving people often behave in strange ways, and often in hurtful and irrational ways. What was done to you was wrong. It is possible that in time your parents will come to realize that, and will offer an apology. |
Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Operations
3335
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 00:33:00 -
[17] - Quote
I bat "For the Other Team" as well.
Good Lord, this happens all the time in our community. ALL THE TIME.
It's seriously a sad situation that people cannot be honest about things, especially with the much older generations.
I lucked out in that my father came around eventually, but a lot of us are not so lucky.
And I was in my 20's during the 1980's and let me not tell you stories of what a nightmare that was. When people passed we had to "de-gay" apartments and whatever before the parents arrived. This nonsense went on for years and years.
Honestly, there really is not much you can do. But primarily, do not blame yourself or what you are for this situation.
The onus here is both on those who are 'too embarrassed' to have you at a major funeral, AND who kept the news from you.
The best advice I can give you is to keep your chin up. Go to the grave site at some point and do what you must.
And if your life is in a financial and secure position and all that, I would treat your family in kind and absolutely never, ever speak to any of them ever again. For what they did, no matter what you do, YOU are the better person.
America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence (and back to barbarism - KI) without civilization in between.
- Oscar Wilde - 1870's |
Herzog Wolfhammer
Sigma Special Tactics Group
2396
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 00:36:00 -
[18] - Quote
I would recommend you let a-holes be a-holes and just drop the whole thing. Why waste energy on it?
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Surfin's PlunderBunny
Sebiestor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
6843
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 00:55:00 -
[19] - Quote
They need to be punished.... 
"Little ginger moron" ~David Hasselhoff-á |
Kahu ia Kane'ohe
Blue Republic
RvB - BLUE Republic
120
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 01:34:00 -
[20] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:Kahu ia Kane'ohe wrote:Have you visited his resting place yet? Not yet. It's a long drive for me, and I'm not in the best condition to drive. Planning on going tomorrow, or the day after.
Wear your dress blues when you go. I hope you find closure when you're there.
~Sriracha's evil twin |
Wrayeth
Inexorable Retribution
50
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 01:56:00 -
[21] - Quote
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm even more sorry that you didn't get to attend the funeral and see your grandfather off properly.
To begin with, I'm with the others in saying, "Visit his grave. Wear your uniforn. Bring your partner." Don't bring your family into it, just go there for yourself. And bring someone close to you to support you though it.
Beyond that, I'm probably the last person to ask. I can be a bit vengeful, even if I try not to act on it. As such, major insults/exclusions like this from people I care about aren't things I easily get over. For me, the most moderate response I might end up using would be the following: if you ever get invited to family gatherings, flatly refuse unless your SO is also welcome. If, when talking to your family, they begin giving you any sort of crap about the life you've chosen, hang up the phone. They will either learn to accept you (and your partner) for who you are, or stop causing you such hurt by cutting off contact. Whether or not the latter is acceptable to you, I don't know. |
Boudacca Sangrere
Caldari Provisions
Caldari State
32
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 09:19:00 -
[22] - Quote
I am not a member of the "family", but certainly a friend. So, first and foremost let me express my sincere condolences for your loss.
Having said that, I also realize that you feel cheated and betrayed. My only advice there is to let go of these negative feelings. Grief is something very personal. Go to his grave. Wear your uniform, bring your partner. Cry. But remember, all that you are doing for yourself and for your memory alone.
As to your family, forgive an love them. When your heart is ready, you will see the wisdom in these words.
B.
P.S.
Thank you for your service (and your grandfather's too, eventhough he might have shot at mine...) |
Zimmy Zeta
RvB - RED Federation
6162
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 10:11:00 -
[23] - Quote
Wrayeth wrote: (snip)
Beyond that, I'm probably the last person to ask. I can be a bit vengeful, even if I try not to act on it. As such, major insults/exclusions like this from people I care about aren't things I easily get over. For me, the most moderate response I might end up using would be the following: if you ever get invited to family gatherings, flatly refuse unless your SO is also welcome. If, when talking to your family, they begin giving you any sort of crap about the life you've chosen, hang up the phone. They will either learn to accept you (and your partner) for who you are, or stop causing you such hurt by cutting off contact. Whether or not the latter is acceptable to you, I don't know.
Don't.
There is a difference between eve online and real life.
And while I would certainly ridicule you in GD for being a risk averse carebear, in real life you should always consider what a fight will cost you, what you could possibly gain from it and if the possible gain outweighs the cost.
In an ideal world, your parents would accept your choice and would be open minded and care only for you wellbeing, no matter how and with who.
I guess OP has made the experience over and over in the past that this is NOT an ideal world we are living in.
You cannot change the minds and beliefs of people over night; provoking them will only cement their beliefs and alienate you from them even further.
Please don't feed me. |
Rana Ash
Gradient
Electus Matari
120
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 12:29:00 -
[24] - Quote
I can only echo what has been said, go there with your partner. Give him a snappy salute and say your farwells, what your family did was cruel.
But holding a grudge will not help anyone, i am sure you said some choice words to them already.. |
Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Operations
3338
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 13:03:00 -
[25] - Quote
Folks. Really. What this man's ENTIRE FAMILY did is not forgivable. Not by any means.
Their behavior in not telling him the news then covertly holding the funeral only demonstrates that essentially he is NOT a part of the family. In fact he is NOT the same kind of 'human being' they are.
They did not accord him the treatment of any kind of 'son' at all. More of a long lost not-liked adopted child of a sort.
They are embarrassed to have him in the family, he should leave that family. I've watched this done many many times over the years, and it winds up being the best for all.
With the next family death, they will do the same thing, and he is going to be in the same position again, facing the same dilemma and hurt all over again.
Mayhaps people should not be posting here if they have not been through something similar themselves, except to say "I'm sorry" or something.
Of all the people I met when I was 18 in 1983 and 'came out' and was going the gigantic social circle that was my 'new life' I am literally the only one left. All those people are gone, as if I have no connection to the past of my 20's and 30's. And the number of people I had to participate in putting in the ground is horrifying, and this situation was the case 75% of the time with their partners. The families utterly shunned them, took away what was common property and everything else.
This is no different in that his family is taking away his dignity and sense of self worth.
America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence (and back to barbarism - KI) without civilization in between.
- Oscar Wilde - 1870's |
Kitty Bear
Disturbed Friends Of Diazepam
A Point In Space
557
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 13:22:00 -
[26] - Quote
Divorce them and adopt a new family.
Seriously though.
My Father passed a very long time ago, but there has always been 1 constant factor in my life.
My Mother.
Even when I've ****** up and made stupid decisions and lifestyle choices, she's told me they made her unhappy, but she never stopped loving me, and more importantly she never stopped respecting me as an individual.
If your parents can't love AND respect you for who you are, they do not deserve your love and respect.
It's such shame that they deliberately made a sad time more unpleasant for you.
This to me is a hateful and spiteful act and I don't see why you should be expected to tolerate it.
Remember your grandfather well, visit his grave and talk things through with yourself there.
|
Zimmy Zeta
RvB - RED Federation
6190
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 13:29:00 -
[27] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?)
You are right, Krixtal, but that doesn't mean that it is relevant to OP's problem right now.
He/She lost a person that he/she loved and he/she wants to say goodbye and honor his memory.
Now is not the time to fight for the acceptance that the family has denied him/her his/her entire life.
Please don't feed me. |
Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Operations
3338
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 14:34:00 -
[28] - Quote
Zimmy Zeta wrote:Lovely Dumplings wrote:
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?)
You are right, Krixtal, but that doesn't mean that it is relevant to OP's problem right now. He/She lost a person that he/she loved and he/she wants to say goodbye and honor his memory. Now is not the time to fight for the acceptance that the family has denied him/her his/her entire life.
I'm not telling him to fight for acceptance. That battle is long lost for him. With that behavior at this point in his adult life, AFTER serving in the military even, we are not talking about a struggling teenager with Parent Problems.
Best thing is to withdraw form them and let the future take care of working out the knots. If ever.
America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence (and back to barbarism - KI) without civilization in between.
- Oscar Wilde - 1870's |
Calico-Jack Daniels
315
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 14:47:00 -
[29] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:So I just found out that my grandfather, whom I had a close relationship growing up with, recently died. My parents decided not to tell me because they were afraid I'd bring my Significant Other and "cause conflict" in the family.
Grandpa was a WW2 vet. I was planning on attending his funeral in uniform and assist with the honor detail (I'm a military vet).
So, Eve has been my on again-off again family over the years...what do I do? I've never been this angry in my life.
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?)
Forgive your parents, and respect their wishes. Be the bigger adult here.
I go well with Quafe... |
silens vesica
Corsair Cartel
426
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 14:47:00 -
[30] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:Kahu ia Kane'ohe wrote:Why were your parents hiding the fact that he recently passed? They should absolutely not hide anything of that nature away from you, NOT even if it might cause conflict, because news like that needs to get to you ASAP, and you have every right to be mad at your parents right now.
-ia Kane'ohe The reason i was given was: "Well if we had told you when it happened you would have shown up at the funeral with your partner, and you know how the rest of the family would react to that." They basically waited till after the funeral, to tell me.
That's seriously Fsked up. 
Dunno that's there'll ever be anything they can do to 'make it right' - clearly their own internal issues about their lifestyle have over-written their sense of family.
No good advice for ya, other than to hold strong to the values that you honor, no matter what crappy attitude your family might have.
Oh, sctratch that - I *do* have an idea. Hold your own memorial for your grandpa. Invite those as will respect you and your lifestyle. Don't even bother mentioning it to those as will not support you - it's none of their business. Make it a memorial to remember, and fill it with those things that honor your grandpa.
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But scream it at them in Esperanto, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
Malcanis for CSM8 |
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