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Lovely Dumplings
Lambda Mining
45
   |
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:26:00 -
[1] - Quote
So I just found out that my grandfather, whom I had a close relationship growing up with, recently died. My parents decided not to tell me because they were afraid I'd bring my Significant Other and "cause conflict" in the family.
Grandpa was a WW2 vet. I was planning on attending his funeral in uniform and assist with the honor detail (I'm a military vet).
So, Eve has been my on again-off again family over the years...what do I do? I've never been this angry in my life.
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?) |
Kahu ia Kane'ohe
Blue Republic
RvB - BLUE Republic
119
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:37:00 -
[2] - Quote
Why were your parents hiding the fact that he recently passed? They should absolutely not hide anything of that nature away from you, NOT even if it might cause conflict, because news like that needs to get to you ASAP, and you have every right to be mad at your parents right now.
-ia Kane'ohe
~Sriracha's evil twin |
Destination SkillQueue
Are We There Yet
3962
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:38:00 -
[3] - Quote
Tell your parents, that they did they right thing by intentionally spitting in your face, while disrespecting and alienating your immediate loved ones, so no conflict could possibly be caused by this within the family.  |
Lovely Dumplings
Lambda Mining
45
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:40:00 -
[4] - Quote
Kahu ia Kane'ohe wrote:Why were your parents hiding the fact that he recently passed? They should absolutely not hide anything of that nature away from you, NOT even if it might cause conflict, because news like that needs to get to you ASAP, and you have every right to be mad at your parents right now.
-ia Kane'ohe
The reason i was given was: "Well if we had told you when it happened you would have shown up at the funeral with your partner, and you know how the rest of the family would react to that." They basically waited till after the funeral, to tell me. |
Bane Necran
Appono Astos
1503
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:41:00 -
[5] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?)
That would make more sense to say AFTER someone makes a big deal about it.
I would have suggested just going alone. Your significant other probably never even met your grandfather anyway. My parents frequently go solo to different funerals, and when my friends and relatives start dying in greater numbers i won't force any partner i have to go to funerals for people they never met.
"The nice thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive." ~Kenneth Williams |
Kahu ia Kane'ohe
Blue Republic
RvB - BLUE Republic
119
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:41:00 -
[6] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:
The reason i was given was: "Well if we had told you when it happened you would have shown up at the funeral with your partner, and you know how the rest of the family would react to that." They basically waited till after the funeral, to tell me.
So you didn't even attend the funeral?
~Sriracha's evil twin |
Lovely Dumplings
Lambda Mining
45
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:46:00 -
[7] - Quote
Kahu ia Kane'ohe wrote:Lovely Dumplings wrote:
The reason i was given was: "Well if we had told you when it happened you would have shown up at the funeral with your partner, and you know how the rest of the family would react to that." They basically waited till after the funeral, to tell me.
So you didn't even attend the funeral?
Nope, didn't get to attend. I got told Grandpa died today, the day after they held the funeral. |
Arkenai Wyrnspire
Turalyon Plus
19
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:48:00 -
[8] - Quote
I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm even more sorry that it caused so much strife. |
Destination SkillQueue
Are We There Yet
3963
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:49:00 -
[9] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:Kahu ia Kane'ohe wrote:Lovely Dumplings wrote:
The reason i was given was: "Well if we had told you when it happened you would have shown up at the funeral with your partner, and you know how the rest of the family would react to that." They basically waited till after the funeral, to tell me.
So you didn't even attend the funeral? Nope, didn't get to attend. I got told Grandpa died today, the day after they held the funeral.
That's pretty ******* low. It's not something I'd break a family relationship over, but it's something I'd never forgive either. |
Kahu ia Kane'ohe
Blue Republic
RvB - BLUE Republic
119
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 21:50:00 -
[10] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:Nope, didn't get to attend. I got told Grandpa died today, the day after they held the funeral.
Have you visited his resting place yet?
~Sriracha's evil twin |
Lovely Dumplings
Lambda Mining
45
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 22:02:00 -
[11] - Quote
Kahu ia Kane'ohe wrote:Have you visited his resting place yet?
Not yet. It's a long drive for me, and I'm not in the best condition to drive. Planning on going tomorrow, or the day after. |
Shalia Ripper
315
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 22:16:00 -
[12] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:So I just found out that my grandfather, whom I had a close relationship growing up with, recently died. My parents decided not to tell me because they were afraid I'd bring my Significant Other and "cause conflict" in the family.
Grandpa was a WW2 vet. I was planning on attending his funeral in uniform and assist with the honor detail (I'm a military vet).
So, Eve has been my on again-off again family over the years...what do I do? I've never been this angry in my life.
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?)
Go. Wear your uniform. Be polite and respect the memory of your grandfather.
Honor him and in doing so, you will be giving your parents the finger.
And take your SO. They need to learn to cope with YOUR choices as an adult.
I can empathize with you as due to religious differences, my parents did not informing me of the passing of a favorite aunt a couple of years ago. I haven't spoken to my parents in about 4 years. Their choice, not mine.
Edit to add - I didn't read the whole thread before I posted, I am very sorry you didn't get to go to his funeral.
Vote for Malcanis for CSM8
|
Eurydia Vespasian
Nova Insula Mining and Industrial
728
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 22:20:00 -
[13] - Quote
well, i think you have every right to be furious. while nothing can actually be done about the missing funeral service, you can (and should imo) give the offending party a big piece of your mind. because their behavior is abhorrent and should not be tolerated at all. |
Zimmy Zeta
RvB - RED Federation
6145
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 22:49:00 -
[14] - Quote
You don't go to his grave for your grandfather..he is dead and so he can't notice it anymore.
You don't do it for your family.. as far as you have told us, they don't have very much contact with you now anyway.
You do it for yourself.
Saying goodbye to a deceased person is a thing that you do for your own sake.
So you shouldn't care about your family, not even your partner.
This is a very intimate moment between you and your dead grandfather and nobody has the right to take it from you.
No need to provoke your family or cause a big drama. Wear the uniform or don't, do whatever makes YOU feel better about the whole situation.
Have my condolence, if this even matters to you.
Please don't feed me. |
Khergit Deserters
656
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 22:56:00 -
[15] - Quote
We had something kind of similar in my family. Our dad had a stroke in the cortex, which is what tells your heart when to beat and your lungs when to breathe. He was completely gone, no chance of recovery, already gone on to his reward. Machines in the hospital were just mechanically keeping his body going. My mom and the majority of the siblings all agreed to pull the plug. No way our dad, a pragmatic WWII vet, nature conservationist, and church-going Christian, would want his body sitting in a hospital going on like that.
Anyway, after we all left the hospital, one sibling went back and told them to keep the machines going. He wanted to wait until the next day, when his son could get to the hospital. It pissed us all off at the time. We could understand his reasons. But we couldn't understand how, after the family had all pondered and agreed on what would be our dad's wishes, we went back and secretly vetoed us. He made a decision for all of us, against our wishes, in something that involved the passing of a family member.
I think it's kind of similar to your situation in this way: If you don't like it, have the guts to tell me to my face. A family member's death is a pretty important thing, and you don't get to decide about something like that for me.
(But I will say that we eventually all forgave our sibling. And I'm glad we did. We might not respect him as much as before, but we forgave him and we accept him for who he is).
If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
|
Charlepetit LaJoie
Trust Me Ltd
148
|
Posted - 2013.01.21 23:03:00 -
[16] - Quote
I'm sorry you were treated so cruelly.
May I suggest that you hold a small remembrance service locally, inviting friends and loved ones to join with you in honoring your grandfather? It could be either a public ceremony or a small, informal gathering in your own home during which you tell a few stories about what your grandfather meant to you.
Grieving people often behave in strange ways, and often in hurtful and irrational ways. What was done to you was wrong. It is possible that in time your parents will come to realize that, and will offer an apology. |
Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Operations
3335
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 00:33:00 -
[17] - Quote
I bat "For the Other Team" as well.
Good Lord, this happens all the time in our community. ALL THE TIME.
It's seriously a sad situation that people cannot be honest about things, especially with the much older generations.
I lucked out in that my father came around eventually, but a lot of us are not so lucky.
And I was in my 20's during the 1980's and let me not tell you stories of what a nightmare that was. When people passed we had to "de-gay" apartments and whatever before the parents arrived. This nonsense went on for years and years.
Honestly, there really is not much you can do. But primarily, do not blame yourself or what you are for this situation.
The onus here is both on those who are 'too embarrassed' to have you at a major funeral, AND who kept the news from you.
The best advice I can give you is to keep your chin up. Go to the grave site at some point and do what you must.
And if your life is in a financial and secure position and all that, I would treat your family in kind and absolutely never, ever speak to any of them ever again. For what they did, no matter what you do, YOU are the better person.
America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence (and back to barbarism - KI) without civilization in between.
- Oscar Wilde - 1870's |
Herzog Wolfhammer
Sigma Special Tactics Group
2396
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 00:36:00 -
[18] - Quote
I would recommend you let a-holes be a-holes and just drop the whole thing. Why waste energy on it?
|
Surfin's PlunderBunny
Sebiestor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
6843
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 00:55:00 -
[19] - Quote
They need to be punished.... 
"Little ginger moron" ~David Hasselhoff-á |
Kahu ia Kane'ohe
Blue Republic
RvB - BLUE Republic
120
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 01:34:00 -
[20] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:Kahu ia Kane'ohe wrote:Have you visited his resting place yet? Not yet. It's a long drive for me, and I'm not in the best condition to drive. Planning on going tomorrow, or the day after.
Wear your dress blues when you go. I hope you find closure when you're there.
~Sriracha's evil twin |
Wrayeth
Inexorable Retribution
50
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 01:56:00 -
[21] - Quote
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm even more sorry that you didn't get to attend the funeral and see your grandfather off properly.
To begin with, I'm with the others in saying, "Visit his grave. Wear your uniforn. Bring your partner." Don't bring your family into it, just go there for yourself. And bring someone close to you to support you though it.
Beyond that, I'm probably the last person to ask. I can be a bit vengeful, even if I try not to act on it. As such, major insults/exclusions like this from people I care about aren't things I easily get over. For me, the most moderate response I might end up using would be the following: if you ever get invited to family gatherings, flatly refuse unless your SO is also welcome. If, when talking to your family, they begin giving you any sort of crap about the life you've chosen, hang up the phone. They will either learn to accept you (and your partner) for who you are, or stop causing you such hurt by cutting off contact. Whether or not the latter is acceptable to you, I don't know. |
Boudacca Sangrere
Caldari Provisions
Caldari State
32
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 09:19:00 -
[22] - Quote
I am not a member of the "family", but certainly a friend. So, first and foremost let me express my sincere condolences for your loss.
Having said that, I also realize that you feel cheated and betrayed. My only advice there is to let go of these negative feelings. Grief is something very personal. Go to his grave. Wear your uniform, bring your partner. Cry. But remember, all that you are doing for yourself and for your memory alone.
As to your family, forgive an love them. When your heart is ready, you will see the wisdom in these words.
B.
P.S.
Thank you for your service (and your grandfather's too, eventhough he might have shot at mine...) |
Zimmy Zeta
RvB - RED Federation
6162
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 10:11:00 -
[23] - Quote
Wrayeth wrote: (snip)
Beyond that, I'm probably the last person to ask. I can be a bit vengeful, even if I try not to act on it. As such, major insults/exclusions like this from people I care about aren't things I easily get over. For me, the most moderate response I might end up using would be the following: if you ever get invited to family gatherings, flatly refuse unless your SO is also welcome. If, when talking to your family, they begin giving you any sort of crap about the life you've chosen, hang up the phone. They will either learn to accept you (and your partner) for who you are, or stop causing you such hurt by cutting off contact. Whether or not the latter is acceptable to you, I don't know.
Don't.
There is a difference between eve online and real life.
And while I would certainly ridicule you in GD for being a risk averse carebear, in real life you should always consider what a fight will cost you, what you could possibly gain from it and if the possible gain outweighs the cost.
In an ideal world, your parents would accept your choice and would be open minded and care only for you wellbeing, no matter how and with who.
I guess OP has made the experience over and over in the past that this is NOT an ideal world we are living in.
You cannot change the minds and beliefs of people over night; provoking them will only cement their beliefs and alienate you from them even further.
Please don't feed me. |
Rana Ash
Gradient
Electus Matari
120
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 12:29:00 -
[24] - Quote
I can only echo what has been said, go there with your partner. Give him a snappy salute and say your farwells, what your family did was cruel.
But holding a grudge will not help anyone, i am sure you said some choice words to them already.. |
Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Operations
3338
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 13:03:00 -
[25] - Quote
Folks. Really. What this man's ENTIRE FAMILY did is not forgivable. Not by any means.
Their behavior in not telling him the news then covertly holding the funeral only demonstrates that essentially he is NOT a part of the family. In fact he is NOT the same kind of 'human being' they are.
They did not accord him the treatment of any kind of 'son' at all. More of a long lost not-liked adopted child of a sort.
They are embarrassed to have him in the family, he should leave that family. I've watched this done many many times over the years, and it winds up being the best for all.
With the next family death, they will do the same thing, and he is going to be in the same position again, facing the same dilemma and hurt all over again.
Mayhaps people should not be posting here if they have not been through something similar themselves, except to say "I'm sorry" or something.
Of all the people I met when I was 18 in 1983 and 'came out' and was going the gigantic social circle that was my 'new life' I am literally the only one left. All those people are gone, as if I have no connection to the past of my 20's and 30's. And the number of people I had to participate in putting in the ground is horrifying, and this situation was the case 75% of the time with their partners. The families utterly shunned them, took away what was common property and everything else.
This is no different in that his family is taking away his dignity and sense of self worth.
America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence (and back to barbarism - KI) without civilization in between.
- Oscar Wilde - 1870's |
Kitty Bear
Disturbed Friends Of Diazepam
A Point In Space
557
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 13:22:00 -
[26] - Quote
Divorce them and adopt a new family.
Seriously though.
My Father passed a very long time ago, but there has always been 1 constant factor in my life.
My Mother.
Even when I've ****** up and made stupid decisions and lifestyle choices, she's told me they made her unhappy, but she never stopped loving me, and more importantly she never stopped respecting me as an individual.
If your parents can't love AND respect you for who you are, they do not deserve your love and respect.
It's such shame that they deliberately made a sad time more unpleasant for you.
This to me is a hateful and spiteful act and I don't see why you should be expected to tolerate it.
Remember your grandfather well, visit his grave and talk things through with yourself there.
|
Zimmy Zeta
RvB - RED Federation
6190
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 13:29:00 -
[27] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?)
You are right, Krixtal, but that doesn't mean that it is relevant to OP's problem right now.
He/She lost a person that he/she loved and he/she wants to say goodbye and honor his memory.
Now is not the time to fight for the acceptance that the family has denied him/her his/her entire life.
Please don't feed me. |
Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Operations
3338
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 14:34:00 -
[28] - Quote
Zimmy Zeta wrote:Lovely Dumplings wrote:
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?)
You are right, Krixtal, but that doesn't mean that it is relevant to OP's problem right now. He/She lost a person that he/she loved and he/she wants to say goodbye and honor his memory. Now is not the time to fight for the acceptance that the family has denied him/her his/her entire life.
I'm not telling him to fight for acceptance. That battle is long lost for him. With that behavior at this point in his adult life, AFTER serving in the military even, we are not talking about a struggling teenager with Parent Problems.
Best thing is to withdraw form them and let the future take care of working out the knots. If ever.
America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence (and back to barbarism - KI) without civilization in between.
- Oscar Wilde - 1870's |
Calico-Jack Daniels
315
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 14:47:00 -
[29] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:So I just found out that my grandfather, whom I had a close relationship growing up with, recently died. My parents decided not to tell me because they were afraid I'd bring my Significant Other and "cause conflict" in the family.
Grandpa was a WW2 vet. I was planning on attending his funeral in uniform and assist with the honor detail (I'm a military vet).
So, Eve has been my on again-off again family over the years...what do I do? I've never been this angry in my life.
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?)
Forgive your parents, and respect their wishes. Be the bigger adult here.
I go well with Quafe... |
silens vesica
Corsair Cartel
426
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 14:47:00 -
[30] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:Kahu ia Kane'ohe wrote:Why were your parents hiding the fact that he recently passed? They should absolutely not hide anything of that nature away from you, NOT even if it might cause conflict, because news like that needs to get to you ASAP, and you have every right to be mad at your parents right now.
-ia Kane'ohe The reason i was given was: "Well if we had told you when it happened you would have shown up at the funeral with your partner, and you know how the rest of the family would react to that." They basically waited till after the funeral, to tell me.
That's seriously Fsked up. 
Dunno that's there'll ever be anything they can do to 'make it right' - clearly their own internal issues about their lifestyle have over-written their sense of family.
No good advice for ya, other than to hold strong to the values that you honor, no matter what crappy attitude your family might have.
Oh, sctratch that - I *do* have an idea. Hold your own memorial for your grandpa. Invite those as will respect you and your lifestyle. Don't even bother mentioning it to those as will not support you - it's none of their business. Make it a memorial to remember, and fill it with those things that honor your grandpa.
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But scream it at them in Esperanto, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
Malcanis for CSM8 |
Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Operations
3338
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 14:50:00 -
[31] - Quote
Calico-Jack Daniels wrote:Lovely Dumplings wrote:So I just found out that my grandfather, whom I had a close relationship growing up with, recently died. My parents decided not to tell me because they were afraid I'd bring my Significant Other and "cause conflict" in the family.
Grandpa was a WW2 vet. I was planning on attending his funeral in uniform and assist with the honor detail (I'm a military vet).
So, Eve has been my on again-off again family over the years...what do I do? I've never been this angry in my life.
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?) Forgive your parents, and respect their wishes. Be the bigger adult here.
I guess you are correct here in accordance with my advice. They wish him to not be a true family member so he should respect that and move on and away.
America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence (and back to barbarism - KI) without civilization in between.
- Oscar Wilde - 1870's |
Malphilos
State War Academy
Caldari State
365
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 15:00:00 -
[32] - Quote
Krixtal Icefluxor wrote:Folks. Really. What this man's ENTIRE FAMILY did is not forgivable. Not by any means.
Sure it is. People are stupid, and do stupid things. There's never anything else to forgive. If you can't forgive that you're setting yourself up for a life of self-righteous bitterness which, while it may appear principled or forthright, is actually a pretty hollow and childish imitation of an emotionally secure existence.
It sounds to me like the OP's parents excluded him from the funeral because they don't know how to cope, not because they thought it would be the best way to hurt him. It's pointless to fault people for the limits of their perceptive and intellectual compass.
OP, go do your thing for your grandfather. Tell your parents you're disappointed you didn't get to attend the public ceremony, and move on. Accept them the way you want them to accept you. It's the best you'll ever be able to do.
|
Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Operations
3338
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 15:07:00 -
[33] - Quote
Malphilos wrote:Krixtal Icefluxor wrote:Folks. Really. What this man's ENTIRE FAMILY did is not forgivable. Not by any means. Sure it is. People are stupid, and do stupid things. There's never anything else to forgive. If you can't forgive that you're setting yourself up for a life of self-righteous bitterness which, while it may appear principled or forthright, is actually a pretty hollow and childish imitation of an emotionally secure existence. It sounds to me like the OP's parents excluded him from the funeral because they don't know how to cope, not because they thought it would be the best way to hurt him. It's pointless to fault people for the limits of their perceptive and intellectual compass. OP, go do your thing for your grandfather. Tell your parents you're disappointed you didn't get to attend the public ceremony, and move on. Accept them the way you want them to accept you. It's the best you'll ever be able to do.
So what is he supposed to do, walk right up and forgive them to their faces ? Of course he can forgive in his own mind, and yes, that is the right thing to do as otherwise will lead to resentments and all that.
And his parent do know how to cope, by excluding him. They are embarrassed of their own child. This is their way of coping. And again, until they come to him directly saying they have made a terrible mistake, this will happen over and over again. Is he supposed to just put up with it through a form of emotional masochism ?
Maybe it's happened sometime somewhere, but once things are at this point in someone's adult life with such familial behavior, I personally have never once seen it solved or work out in any way. Trying is beating ones head against brick walls.
EDIT: and THAT leads to further resentments and bitterness indeed.
What people do not seem to be understanding is this is not going to be a one time thing.
America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence (and back to barbarism - KI) without civilization in between.
- Oscar Wilde - 1870's |
Xenuria
The Scope
Gallente Federation
692
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 15:15:00 -
[34] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:So I just found out that my grandfather, whom I had a close relationship growing up with, recently died. My parents decided not to tell me because they were afraid I'd bring my Significant Other and "cause conflict" in the family.
Grandpa was a WW2 vet. I was planning on attending his funeral in uniform and assist with the honor detail (I'm a military vet).
So, Eve has been my on again-off again family over the years...what do I do? I've never been this angry in my life.
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?)
I am really sorry for your loss, I am also really agitated that they would not tell you because of something so inconsequential.
CSM 8 Candidate
Philanthropist
Polymath
Savant
Hero |
Micheal Dietrich
Kings Gambit Black
898
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 15:25:00 -
[35] - Quote
Krixtal Icefluxor wrote:Calico-Jack Daniels wrote:Lovely Dumplings wrote:So I just found out that my grandfather, whom I had a close relationship growing up with, recently died. My parents decided not to tell me because they were afraid I'd bring my Significant Other and "cause conflict" in the family.
Grandpa was a WW2 vet. I was planning on attending his funeral in uniform and assist with the honor detail (I'm a military vet).
So, Eve has been my on again-off again family over the years...what do I do? I've never been this angry in my life.
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?) Forgive your parents, and respect their wishes. Be the bigger adult here. I guess you are correct here in accordance with my advice.
in accordance with your advice.....
The expert has spoken everyone! Heed his advice and choose your words carefully!
For the OP: Unless you have any other relatives to whom you are close to, I would say drop the family and move on. The idea of picking up a new family is not that far fetched. I have a biological mother, a stepmother, and a rent-a-mother and the latter 2 have been more of a mother than the first ever was. Simply put if they can't at least meet you halfway then find somebody who will. As for the grandfather just go with what everyone else said, but I'm suspecting that you are already there. |
Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Operations
3338
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 15:32:00 -
[36] - Quote
Micheal Dietrich wrote:[
The expert has spoken everyone! Heed his advice and choose your words carefully!
This kind of snipping is unnecessary here Michael.
And expert ? Yes. Probably. I've mentioned a few incidents from my past, but not the core incident which is very very similar to the OP.
But this is not a thread about me. But I am giving the best advice I can based on extremely personal and close experience to this situation.
Maybe in a few days when we know more how OP is doing I will post the horror that happened to me.
America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence (and back to barbarism - KI) without civilization in between.
- Oscar Wilde - 1870's |
Micheal Dietrich
Kings Gambit Black
898
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 15:35:00 -
[37] - Quote
Krixtal Icefluxor wrote:Micheal Dietrich wrote:[
The expert has spoken everyone! Heed his advice and choose your words carefully!
This kind of snipping is unnecessary here Michael. And expert ? Yes. Probably. I've mentioned a few incidents from my past, but not the core incident which is very very similar to the OP. But this is not a thread about me. But I am giving the best advice I can based on extremely personal and close experience to this situation. Maybe in a few days when we know more how OP is doing I will post the horror that happened to me.
You're coming in here like you are Dr Phil and telling everyone else how the advice should be. Advice is based on opinions, and opinions are neither right or wrong, they just are. |
Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Operations
3338
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 15:44:00 -
[38] - Quote
Micheal Dietrich wrote:
You're coming in here like you are Dr Phil and telling everyone else how the advice should be. Advice is based on opinions, and opinions are neither right or wrong, they just are.
Drop it.
America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence (and back to barbarism - KI) without civilization in between.
- Oscar Wilde - 1870's |
Micheal Dietrich
Kings Gambit Black
898
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 15:54:00 -
[39] - Quote
Krixtal Icefluxor wrote:Micheal Dietrich wrote:
You're coming in here like you are Dr Phil and telling everyone else how the advice should be. Advice is based on opinions, and opinions are neither right or wrong, they just are.
Drop it.
No problem, just stop typing asinine phrases like "in accordance with my advice". Like you said, this thread isn't about you. The OP asked for advice and people are offering it in whatever form they can. The OP will read that advice and decide the best course of action, not have you decide. |
Lovely Dumplings
Lambda Mining
46
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 16:36:00 -
[40] - Quote
Thanks for all of your kind words and ideas. I've actually gotten in touch with the local VFW, told them the story of what happened, and the guy in charge said they'd be willing to host honors for my grandfather, when I can get to the area. I'll be visiting with my partner, and close friends of mine.
Honestly, this is the final straw in many, many years of problems with my family accepting me for who I am. I won't be antagonistic about it, but, I'm not having anything more to do with my family. I've got my "EVE family", as dysfunctional as ya'll are, and I have my friends and real world life.
Thanks again. Everyone talks BS about the EVE community, but you folks have been wonderful towards a perfect stranger in a rough time. |
silens vesica
Corsair Cartel
429
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 16:42:00 -
[41] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:Thanks for all of your kind words and ideas.
De nada. 
We only play at trolls in-game. IRL, most of us are actual human beings.
Quote:I've actually gotten in touch with the local VFW, told them the story of what happened, and the guy in charge said they'd be willing to host honors for my grandfather, when I can get to the area. I'll be visiting with my partner, and close friends of mine.
This.^ Most excellent.
Quote:Honestly, this is the final straw in many, many years of problems with my family accepting me for who I am. I won't be antagonistic about it, but, I'm not having anything more to do with my family.
Look out for yourself and your own needs - if you're not taking care of that, you can't take care of anything, or anyone, else. As you say, there's no need for drama; leave like a cat - just turn and walk away.
Be Well.
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But scream it at them in Esperanto, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
Malcanis for CSM8 |
Zimmy Zeta
RvB - RED Federation
6288
|
Posted - 2013.01.22 16:56:00 -
[42] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote: (snip)
Thanks again. Everyone talks BS about the EVE community, but you folks have been wonderful towards a perfect stranger in a rough time.
You are welcome.
We are not that bad.
Still, fitting a decent tank on your barge and checking d-scan once in a while is strongly recommended when dealing with us.
Please don't feed me. |
Lovely Dumplings
Lambda Mining
51
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 11:47:00 -
[43] - Quote
Apologies for the slight necro on this, but I thought it right to let ya'll know what happened. On Thursday, myself, my partner, and close friends returned to my hometown to pay Grandpa his last respects. The VFW was awesome, and actually re-created the grave site, with casket and all (the casket, of course was empty). Grandpa got his three volleys, Taps, and flag honors rendered. Afterwards, there were many rounds in his name at the VFW hall, and war stories shared.
Turns out, my mother didn't request military honors at the "first" funeral, so I'm glad Grandpa got the send-off he deserved. Thanks again for everyone's advice, well-wishes, and condolences. |
Juno Valerii
Federal Navy Academy
Gallente Federation
46
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 12:53:00 -
[44] - Quote
I'm glad it worked out for you in the end and it sounds like your grandfather got the send off he deserved the second time around anyway. I've had major issues with my family my entire life and made the decision to just cut them off a while back. While I don't necessarily advocate that particular path for you, I understand how you feel. |
Rana Ash
Gradient
Electus Matari
123
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 13:17:00 -
[45] - Quote
Wow, great bunch of people whom did that. I am sure your grandfather is smiling at yah. Happy you got some kind of solace and closure.. |
SeenButNotHeard
Doing The Business
13
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 14:27:00 -
[46] - Quote
Not entirely sure why, this thread made me feel a bit sad.
Maybe it is just nice to see Eve players not being tools for once.
Am glad you Gramps got his send off - not all of us get to do it twice 
Nuff respect. |
AstraPardus
Lightspeed Enterprises
Fidelas Constans
206
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 15:19:00 -
[47] - Quote
I feel that you are right for being insulted and angry. What I would do, personally, is I would go to the grave with my significant other (if they wished to accompany me) and I would have my own private mourning...and I would go in full uniform (if I were a vet, which I am not).
Sadly, this kind of thing happens to many people. I'm in an interracial marriage and converted to Buddhism with my wife, and some of my family is uncomfortable with those things; we're not on speaking terms, including my mother, who I used to have such a good relationship with.
I believe, and always have, that the family you choose often means more than the family you're born into.
Every time I post is Pardy time! :3 |
SeenButNotHeard
Doing The Business
16
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 15:35:00 -
[48] - Quote
AstraPardus wrote:
I believe, and always have, that the family you choose often means more than the family you're born into.
This is so true.
After hearing my own Brother tell my Mother that "family is no more important than friends" I realised who the important people were.
It is those people you love being around. No more than that.
EDIT - now I thought about this I have realised that I have turned into the very thing that annoyed me in the first place. And that annoys me.
Damn I am annoyed. Haha
Seriously tho - families are a special category all of their own. They only equal each other in how special they are and how annoying they are. |
Cierejai
Biofuel Productions
41
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 21:38:00 -
[49] - Quote
If you know that your family doesn't like your lifestyle, why would you rub it in their face at a funeral? You would deliberately cause them distress in a time of mourning, whether or not you are consciously aware of this is irrelevant.
You wouldn't show them respect, but you demand it in return?
See the problem? |
Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Operations
3370
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 21:44:00 -
[50] - Quote
Cierejai wrote:If you know that your family doesn't like your lifestyle
This is the root of the problem (and your ignorance).
What gives them the right to not 'like' a 'lifestyle' ? Living is living. You sir need a big attitude change.
America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence (and back to barbarism - KI) without civilization in between.
- Oscar Wilde - 1870's |
SeenButNotHeard
Doing The Business
19
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 21:49:00 -
[51] - Quote
Cierejai wrote:If you know that your family doesn't like your lifestyle, why would you rub it in their face at a funeral? You would deliberately cause them distress in a time of mourning, whether or not you are consciously aware of this is irrelevant.
You wouldn't show them respect, but you demand it in return?
See the problem?
Where does the OP mention lifestyle? It isn't a lifestyle. That person is who they are. Defending shallow-mindedness, in the way that you do, is frankly depressing.
|
Marie Hartinez
Aries Munitions and Defense
188
|
Posted - 2013.01.26 22:11:00 -
[52] - Quote
AstraPardus wrote:I feel that you are right for being insulted and angry. What I would do, personally, is I would go to the grave with my significant other (if they wished to accompany me) and I would have my own private mourning...and I would go in full uniform (if I were a vet, which I am not).
Sadly, this kind of thing happens to many people. I'm in an interracial marriage and converted to Buddhism with my wife, and some of my family is uncomfortable with those things; we're not on speaking terms, including my mother, who I used to have such a good relationship with.
I believe, and always have, that the family you choose often means more than the family you're born into.
Sounds almost like my life.
My mother's family has disowned me because I "dared" to married outside of my "race". They're pretty hardcore German and Catholic. I was bought up to believe that I should only marry a wife who is blonde and blued like myself.
I dared and married an exotic dark haired and brown eyed Latina Catholic woman. I mean, at least she is Catholic.
You can't help who you fall in love with.
They refused to attend my wedding, refused to visit the hospital when our daughter was born, and they refuse to believe that she is my kid. I haven't talked to them in years, and I feel that I'm better without them.
My wife's family is very open minded about me and my "strange" German culture. They're more a family to me then either my mother's or father's side. Though, my father's family is happy that I have a loving wife and kid.
Surrender is still your slightly less painful option. |
NeoShocker
Interstellar eXodus
BricK sQuAD.
162
|
Posted - 2013.01.27 07:03:00 -
[53] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:Kahu ia Kane'ohe wrote:Lovely Dumplings wrote:
The reason i was given was: "Well if we had told you when it happened you would have shown up at the funeral with your partner, and you know how the rest of the family would react to that." They basically waited till after the funeral, to tell me.
So you didn't even attend the funeral? Nope, didn't get to attend. I got told Grandpa died today, the day after they held the funeral.
Wow, that is extremely ****** up. |
silens vesica
Corsair Cartel
459
|
Posted - 2013.01.27 07:54:00 -
[54] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:Apologies for the slight necro on this, but I thought it right to let ya'll know what happened. On Thursday, myself, my partner, and close friends returned to my hometown to pay Grandpa his last respects. The VFW was awesome, and actually re-created the grave site, with casket and all (the casket, of course was empty). Grandpa got his three volleys, Taps, and flag honors rendered. Afterwards, there were many rounds in his name at the VFW hall, and war stories shared.
Turns out, my mother didn't request military honors at the "first" funeral, so I'm glad Grandpa got the send-off he deserved. Thanks again for everyone's advice, well-wishes, and condolences.
Properly done. Bravo Zulu.
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But scream it at them in Esperanto, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
Malcanis for CSM8 |
Mallak Azaria
GoonWaffe
Goonswarm Federation
2175
|
Posted - 2013.01.27 08:07:00 -
[55] - Quote
Lovely Dumplings wrote:So I just found out that my grandfather, whom I had a close relationship growing up with, recently died. My parents decided not to tell me because they were afraid I'd bring my Significant Other and "cause conflict" in the family.
Grandpa was a WW2 vet. I was planning on attending his funeral in uniform and assist with the honor detail (I'm a military vet).
So, Eve has been my on again-off again family over the years...what do I do? I've never been this angry in my life.
(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?)
Sever contact. They obviously have no respect for you as a person because of who you are & you deserve better than that.
The Adventures of a Belligerent Undesirable |
Brujo Loco
Brujeria Teologica
570
|
Posted - 2013.01.27 16:30:00 -
[56] - Quote
Wow .. that-¦s ... WOW ... I-¦m actually angry ... A LOT, such disrespect and bigotry. It goes beyond sexual orientation. Wow, can-¦really say much else. This "special" family of yours, better off away from them. Ugh
Reciprocity is an actual concept based on reality.
People that give zero or negative to my life are cut off, and honestly I am waaaaay better off like that.
But then again, that-¦s me. I know other people actually care for that strange masochistic bond that the illusion of "family" entails, and I can respect that in them, but not me, in me they hit a real cold steel wall.
Can-¦t really advice on how to behave in that situation, but let me say, that at least, in this side of the pond, you have one person that actually felt a tiny bit angry at how you were treated.
Hope everything goes well for you and sorry for your loss.
o7
Inner Sayings of BrujoLoco:
http://eve-files.com/sig/brujoloco |
Emma Royd
Maddled Gommerils
196
|
Posted - 2013.01.27 20:18:00 -
[57] - Quote
I guess I don't realise how 'lucky' I am
My brother is homosexual, it's never been a problem in the only family that matters (me, my wife, my mum and dad), it was never brought up with my in-laws, at the time my brother in law was very anti-homosexual so while we didn't hide it, we didn't bring it up as a topic of conversation.
I've been fortunate (if it can be described as fortunate) to be at the hospital bedside of my mum, and both my parents in law when they passed away. None of them were concious but it still gave a sense of closure as we could say our goodbye's.
I can't imagine the pain of your situation happening to me, and I truly feel for you and your partner, if you can't rely on family in these times when can you?
It's a shame that they can't accept your sexuality and move on.
Personally I would move on, yes you will be angry and rightly so, but it's the kind of anger that will eat at you for years if it lets you. Forgive although forget will probably never happen, accept the fact that they can't accept you, but as long as you've got a loving partner to give you strength then you will be able to get through this.
Be a better person than your family, if they sometime in the future realise what they did, and how it upset you, they may accept you for what you are rather than what they want.
Sorry for your loss, your grief, and your hassles :( |
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