Hello dear Santa!
Sorry for bothering you while you must be really busy preparing a bunch of Christmas presents for all those kids around the world. I really have to do this as the elf responsible for packing and sending presents seems to have totally lost his marbles. I really think you should take away all his candies, or maybe even put him on spike - you decide yourself please, and DON'T be gentle. You see, the point is like that:
When I was 5, instead of a talking doll I got a microscope and a fare inspector's kit. WTF? First of all, how are those related? Yeah, I had a lot of profit selling tickets to the WC, but still?
At 6, I received a Scrabble game. Man, have you tried it yourself?
At 7, it was a clockwork pigeon. Yeah, with a windup in his ass. He flew out of the window and is still flying somewhere.
At 8, it was a cymbalo. Thanks, that was fun, but after 80th "Jingle Bells" in a row my parents got a real bad head, ear, and some other aches, and my grandmother shouting "JERONIMO!!!" sent my cymbalo flying after the clockwork pigeon. Man, I want it back!
9. Come on, do you really think that another microscope and a doctor's set are better than a Barby?
10. A sewing machine? Really? Even a DIY birdhouse would be better.
11. DIY birdhouse. Perfect. I liked the joke, but I'm still missing my cymbalo.
12. Oh, a talking doll! Well, that was fast, thank you. At that pace maybe at 70 I'll get a box of Durex.
13. A magician's set. Man, the only magic that happened was that the kit went after the pigeon and the cymbalo, and as a gesture of consolation I was allowed to spend the night out.
14. I wanted a skateboard. But what I got? Some ****** mackinaw coat! What should I do with it?
15. I wanted Julian to love me not that ***** Cindy. But in a last year's mackinaw coat?
16. A talking Barbie. With a pager. Oh yeah, when I'll start talking to a doll, it'll really need the pager, so that it doesn't get lost.
17. A cell phone charged with a 100 bucks. Given by an aging boyfriend, only to always know in what exactly point in Universe I am at the moment, and to be sure that Universe is not in me.
18. Orange underwear. Looks like it was made back in 1950s. Given keeping in mind almost the same idea as the cell phone. The Universe loses it's sexual power, the boyfriend is happy, I'm in a brown study.
19. Oh, a laptop and the Diablo anthology! Three months in a row I'm wearing the orange underwear, occasionally talking to Barbie, and exterminating the monsters all nights long. Boyfriend is knocked out, Universe is no more.
20. I want IT. But not of raccoon. But I get Diablo II and an advice to relax.
21. I want IT. But not of otter. What do I get? Another patch, a new mouse, and a Playstation. I'm really pissed of, and finally single again. However, together with the patch, and the lack of IT, the long-awaited freedom loses all it's attractiveness.
22. I want IT. And a new boyfriend. Not a jerk. But I get a marriage, two dogs, and a **** shovel. Only the orange underwear and Diablo stop me from suicide.
23. You bearded s**t-face, you've been spoofed! Instead of IT I get 20 pounds and morning sickness. Even the laptop is not able to compensate for that. Seems like it's reproduction time.
24. Oh go to hell, give me some sleep.
25. Wait a minute.

Now listen, you ****** guiser! Shove your ice staff into your hole, strain your brain and keep in mind that I already had my birdhouse and microscope. I don't want any talking dolls, I still sometimes talk to the last one you gave me. An if you, old stinkpot, have any bright ideas to give me something really useful and smart - you'd better make these thoughts go after my pigeon an cymbalo, cause you know air fares are really cheap these days, and it's not all that far to get all the way to your Lapland or where is it that you live. Believe me, having a fake beard torn off your face and stuffed up your hole is not that nice and pleasant.

I want IT. Yes, a fur coat. And only a mink one. No fakes, no excuses, nothing. Otherwise I'm coming after you, do you hear me? I have a really, really good idea how exactly I will massacre you. But, we'll discuss that when the Christmas comes.

PS And don't tell me I didn't warn you. I did.
PPS Now dear CCP. First of all, thank you very much for reading all of this. Now you must have a pretty good understanding of how I feel, knowing that all of those long hours I spent at first flying all the way from my tidy wormhole to some forgotten station in losec after those fuelblock BPO's, researching them for several days, and manufacturing a 3-months worth of fuel into fuel blocks, only to find out it was all pointless and there is 1.5 months more to do it, and moreover, now I must again fly back to the empire to buy fuel for all that time! Who the hell do you think you are? If you said 2 weeks after BPO seeding - now please go and make a patch so that my tower starts eating fuel blocks, and turn off the regular fuel consuming whenever you wish it to happen.
PPPS Santa, please look after them, okay? Or at least bring me all their presents if they won't be nice and do the patch.