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Captain Massacre
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Posted - 2003.11.27 20:19:00 -
[1]
Edited by: Captain Massacre on 27/11/2003 20:20:49
The Plank
First Edition
Captain Massacre, Editor and Pirate
Headline Story:
Jade lies to EG to create controversy
Informed sources report that Jade Constantspin, tHe Queen of Venal herself was responsible for last weeks Eve Guardian article about the demise of the NVA. Anonymous sources were quoted as saying "Rumour makes sense to me" while Mork Drak told a fellow BBBB employee "loosing a friend was it worth it" when asked about Jade and the NVA.
The reasons are clear. The NVA spindoctress attempted to create sympathy for herself and her alliance with a fake story that appears biased. Perhaps she was hoping for a reaction similar to the one another alliance received from the Eve community after an obviously biased story appeared. Instead it backfired and the truth has sent NVA into turmoil with apologies from RONA among others.
What will the future hold for the NVA. Only time will tell but once again Jade Constantspin herself, the Queen of Venal has left her mark of leadership on another PR mess.
Feature Story:
Exclusive interview with Mork Drakt of BBBB
Mork Drak the CEO of BBBB corp has granted an exclusive interview to The Plank for its innagural issue. Mork offers his extraordinary insight into several matters of galactic importance.
Mork revealed to this reporter that Venal is a cursed place. Everyone who goes there is defeated. First TTI and SI. Then NVA. Who will be next? "Everyone who goes there ends up getting smacked about". He then shed light on the reason so many corps joined the NVA in the first place, it wasn't for defense of an alliance to protect, instead it was pure greed "a good chunk of the corps that joined the NVA only did so for access to the venal bistot". When asked about thier willingness to actually govern Venal he laid down a scenario of betrayal and abandonment that points solely to Queen Jade "they weren't then arnd aren't now interested in fighting for a "cause" other than the fatness of their wallets" he said.
For the future Mork sees only few possibilities for Venal "they find a very rich and powerful PvP corp to help them or SI and friends get bored and leave them alone".
What will the future hold for the NVA. Well from this pirate, errr, reporters view there isn't much future at all.
Feature Story:
CFS Coverup?
Reports of a possible CFS coverup continue to come in. The alliance of carebears reportedly informed a notorious assassin of the location of BBBB CEO Mork Drakt. An intercepted transmission was anonymously given to this reporter clearly showing the CFS member Conqureror turning over the location and wishing "Happy Hunting" to the assassin.
When this scandal broke CFS appeared to claim CA style deniability. Now instead we have CFS saying they'll deal with it but we've seen no response to repeated requests for interviews with the parties involved. Well keep you informed as updates come in.
In an exclusive interview I spoke with Conqueror about this matter. He claimed he was deep in CFS space and saw several people in that system "I saw a few people there...as that was the only system I was in for two days.....". While he never said specifically Mork was there it appears pretty obvious given the assassins questions he was. Likewise he admitted wanting to place a large bounty on Morkt for fun. Thus setting him up for death! Well see what the CFS does with this situation now that its been made public.
Important Update:
Mork Drakt suffers reported nervous breakdown
Unconfirmed reports state that Mork has suffered a nervous breakdown and is not of sound mind. Once rival foes of Mork have been seen encouraging him to seek psychiatric help and have told him to relax. From reading his statements it appears he is suffering from an increasing sense of paranoia and fear of betrayal much like the illness that apparently affected Cerys of the Eve Guardian before her departure last week. If these reports are true we hope he gets better soon. Still we can't discount this may be a diversion created by his enemies. Nontheless given this is the second confirmed case galactic health professionals are investigating.
Feature Story:
Tank CEO is Businessman of the Week
Biomass Cartel pirate Tank CEO, in a gallant effort, is holding Sarum Prime hostage. The "real Tank" as he is known to his fans has successfully operated a checkpoint in the system and is reportedly raking in over $100million isk per week in loot and tolls. We at The Plank wish Tank CEO the best and award him our "Businessman of the Week" award. Contrats Tank!
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Captain Massacre
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Posted - 2003.11.27 20:28:00 -
[2]
Feature Commentary
Pirates, real people with real dreams
Pirates! Carebears throughout the galaxy cower in fear when their sensors indicate a threat is near. In todays universe piracy is a real problem for those who are unwilling to defend themselves. The hungry pirate drools at the sight of a fat slow bestower on his scanner screen. Holds filled with riches waiting to be taken. Even the escape pods of these lumbering spacewhales aren't safe from the efficency of a well run pirate operation. Still pirates get a bad rap. Pirates are some of the nicest people around.
One such pirate friend is Lilan Kahn. Lilan, named just this week as an honorary member of the PLF (Pod Liberation Front) has been personally responsible for the liberation of dozens of pods from thier owners. But it isn't all fame and glory according to Lil. "Sometimes I sit for hours to only see some cheap NVA indy waddle by with basic expanders and a load of Trit". Clearly being a swashbuckling pirate has its downside but Lil keeps her spirits up. "Then somedays it all comes together, loads of robotics, extrudeds, heatsinks, its like a candy store".
Being a pirate isn't easy. It takes alot of work to build a reputation and hold onto it. Security ratings don't stay low forever you really have to work at it. Then again to some it just happens and doesnt matter. Famous SI pirate Leitari says "I actually don't care about my security rating, I just kill people - Hence - XXXX sec rating".
That type of can do attitude is what makes a great pirate. But pirates also have dreams and goals. It takes drive and fortitude to get ahead in the tough world of the professional pirate - "But I have guts.. and determination.. I was committed to the task at hand.. and held. In the end.. like Patton.. I was victorious" said one anonymous pirate about the battle to destroy a Badger I in .9 space and defeat its escaping pilots pod.
So the next time you see a pirate don't see a threat. See a real person with hopes and dreams. Pirates are people to.
We're your friends!
Advice Column:
Ask Captain Massacre
The advice columns will be open next week. If you have a lovelorn situation or a serious problem write to Captain Massacre ingame with your problem. Maybe your question will make the paper.
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Captain Massacre
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Posted - 2003.11.27 20:30:00 -
[3]
Edited by: Captain Massacre on 27/11/2003 20:43:20
Employment Section
Reporters wanted
The Plank is looking for qualified reporters and columnists. If you'd like to write for The Plank send me an Evemail.
The Plank will be issued weekly or less if I dont feel like it. Hey Im a pirate I dont have a schedule book.
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Talon SilverHawk
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Posted - 2003.11.27 20:54:00 -
[4]
Pure class capt 
What goes around comes around...
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Miss Cleo
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Posted - 2003.11.27 21:39:00 -
[5]
I thought EG was bad. Oh well at least theres some humor here. Another paper for the tabloid rack at the supermarket.
READ EVE GUARDIAN
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