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Devoras2 Amarr KIA Corp KIA Alliance	Posted - 2007.10.31 19:45:00 - [1] Well post em! Here i go: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Beep beep - Incoming SMS - Recived picture: Jesus.jpg Jesus not saved. Save Jesus now? "........ hey guys! I got Gods cellphone!" It's great being Amarr, aint it?
Devoras2 Amarr KIA Corp KIA Alliance	Posted - 2007.10.31 19:45:00 - [2] Well post em! Here i go: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Beep beep - Incoming SMS - Recived picture: Jesus.jpg Jesus not saved. Save Jesus now? "........ hey guys! I got Gods cellphone!" It's great being Amarr, aint it?
Devoras2 Amarr KIA Corp KIA Alliance	Posted - 2007.10.31 20:06:00 - [3] The following is an actual question given on a university of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase untill all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before i sleep with you," and take into account that i slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus i am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." It's great being Amarr, aint it?
Mudkest MetaForge Ekliptika	Posted - 2007.10.31 20:07:00 - [4] Achmed walks up to his boss and says"Boss, I quit. everybody here racist." boss:"Everybody, are you sure? if you'd said 1 or 2, maybe but even that I'm not sure off. but everyvody?" Achmed:"Is true, I ask question. Everybody racist!" boss:"What did you ask then?" Achmed"What you say if americans declare war on Muslims and Canadians?" boss:"Why the Canadians?" Achmed:"See, you too, racist!" think I allready posted it here before though. Still, proably more truth in it then most jokes sadly :/ ----- GIEV custom ship paint jobs! I want my hello-kitty-kessie! For your safety do not destroy vital testing apparatus
Devoras2 Amarr KIA Corp KIA Alliance	Posted - 2007.10.31 20:09:00 - [5] These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you **t'in me? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you **t'in me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law. It's great being Amarr, aint it?
Devoras2 Amarr KIA Corp KIA Alliance	Posted - 2007.10.31 20:11:00 - [6] The girl i worked opposite asked me before i left: 'Weeman, i know you fancy me, but what is it you like best? My pretty face or sexy body?' So i look her up and down, then in the eyes and say "Do you want me to be honest?" She smiles back and replies, 'of course'. "Well, in that case - definately your sense of humour" It's great being Amarr, aint it?
Devoras2 Amarr KIA Corp KIA Alliance	Posted - 2007.10.31 20:15:00 - [7] Little lad walks into his parent’s bedroom and sees his dad giving his mum a good seeing to. His dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and tells him to ‘get out’. A little while later the dad hears a commotion coming from his lad’s bedroom. He rushes in and is horrified to see the lad shagging a shocked looking granny. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing son??’ The lad just looks at his dad and says ‘Not so ***** funny when it’s your mum is it?’ A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into ASDA with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to ASDA, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you **head?" "Absolutely not," replies the man, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice." It's great being Amarr, aint it?
Arvald Caldari House of Tempers	Posted - 2007.10.31 20:17:00 - [8] Originally by: Devoras2 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you **t'in me? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you t'in me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law. AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA --------------------------- Originally by:** eddie valvetino little small voice in the back of my head i've ignored all summer now screams "BLOW SOMETHING UP!!!!!!!!! MOTHER ******!!!!!!"
lofty29 Reikoku Band of Brothers	Posted - 2007.10.31 20:30:00 - [9] Originally by: Devoras2 Joke Thread You got that right. --- Latest Video : FAT- Camp
Battleclash	Posted - 2007.10.31 20:38:00 - [10] Edited by: Battleclash on 31/10/2007 20:38:34 I got a copy of the theory on hell too except mine was endothermic as according to the story the guy didn't get laid yet. On a side note, I use that line about everyone going to hell because we can't join multiple religions when I get into arguments with religious people
Mudkest MetaForge Ekliptika	Posted - 2007.10.31 20:44:00 - [11] Q: It's green and when you press the button it turns red. A: a frog in a blender. little tommy woke up during the night and went over to his parrents bedroom. As he walks trough the door he notices his mother "sitting" on top of his dad and ask "mommy, what are you doing?" His mother, trying to come up with a quick answer sais "You know how daddy's tummy is a bit big? I'm sitting on it to make it a bit smaller". To wich tommy replies "Well, your wasting your time then, cause after you go to work tomorrow the lady from next door comes over and blows it up again" As a man is comming home from work in the evening his wife runs at him saying "Honey, I'm so glad you're home. Mary's been in her room all day crying and she doesnt even want me to come in. Could you go and see what's wrong with her?". Off course the man runs right to his daughters room and ca;lms her down before asking her whats wrong. "You remember last night, when I walked into your bedroom when you were there with mom?" his daughter said, still sobbing. "Off course I do" he replies, kind of embarresd. "And you said, that because I kept saying that I would like a little brother or sister, you were putting a seed in mommys tummy, and that in 9 months I'd have a little brother or sister?" his daughter sais, and just before bursting out in taers again "Well this morning the milkman ate it!" another frog joke A 12 year old boy walks into a brothel and unsure on what to do some of the woman there notify the madame and she goes over to the boy. She asks if he needs help or anything and he sais 'I want to sleep with the girl with most diseases'. The madame tries to say something but the boy cuts her off by saying 'I can pay' and shows a jar full of nickles and dimes. The madame replies 'All of my girls are clean, but you're very young, adn why do you want an STD in teh first place?' the boy replies "When I get home, then my babysitter and I are goig to ahve some fun. When my dad gets home from work he's going to do it with the babysitter. Tonight in bed he and mom are going to do it as well. Then tomorrow after my dad's gone to work my mom is going to do it with the mailman. And that b*stard stepped on my frog this monring!" ----- GIEV custom ship paint jobs! I want my hello-kitty-kessie! For your safety do not destroy vital testing apparatus
Phantom Slave Amarr Mozzaki United	Posted - 2007.10.31 21:12:00 - [12] How many Lepers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but you gotta wonder how they got in there. (Think about it for a minute.) ____________________ Pirating in EVE is like kicking a squirrel and stealing his food. The squirrel hates you afterwards, but it's fun none the less.
Surfin's PlunderBunny Minmatar mUfFiN fAcToRy	Posted - 2007.10.31 21:29:00 - [13] Little Johnny lived on a farm... for breakfast his mom always made eggs, sausage, and a glass of milk, but this was only after little Johnny's chores were done. So he wakes up in the morning and goes to do his chores. He milks the cow, the cow kicks over the bucket so he has to do it again... he fills another bucket, kicks the cow and takes the milk inside. His mother said "I saw you kick the cow, now you're not getting any milk." So Johnny has to go collect eggs from the hen house, he fills the basket and on the way out decides to kick a hen. He takes the eggs inside and his mother says "I saw you kick that hen, now you're not getting any eggs." Now before Johnny could go feed the pigs his father walks into the kitchen and trips over the cat, so he gets mad and kicks it. Little Johnny looks at his mother and says "So, you wanna tell him or should I?" Originally by: Liz Kali Tic Toc Tic Toc , time is ticking I owned someone on forums!!!
ReaperOfSly Gallente Lyrus Associates M. PIRE	Posted - 2007.10.31 22:41:00 - [14] Best maths joke ever. 2-dimensional serpents ---> Snakes in the plane! --------------------------------------------------------------------
Mudkest MetaForge Ekliptika	Posted - 2007.10.31 23:14:00 - [15] I rear ended a car this morning... I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF! He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy". I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?" That's when the fight started!!! ----- GIEV custom ship paint jobs! I want my hello-kitty-kessie! For your safety do not destroy vital testing apparatus
ReaperOfSly Gallente Lyrus Associates M. PIRE	Posted - 2007.11.01 00:02:00 - [16] Originally by: Mudkest I rear ended a car this morning... I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF! He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy". I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?" That's when the fight started!!! That remind me of a good one 7 dwarves sitting in a bath, and they all felt happy. Happy got out and they all felt grumpy. --------------------------------------------------------------------
Kyanzes Utopian Research I.E.L. Hedonistic Imperative	Posted - 2007.11.01 09:15:00 - [17] Edited by: Kyanzes on 01/11/2007 09:22:56 Hope my translation will be comprehensible: In the former Soviet Union the communist party is preparing the celebration day of the great October Revolution. They plan to have a great military parade on the Red Square followed by speeches and flag waving which all will be televised so people all across the country can watch it and celebrate. They are trying to come up with a great finale and after much debate they decide to appoint three painters, two established and an amateur, to prepare paintings that are to be unveiled at the very end of the show. The theme: Lenin in Finland. The great day comes and people celebrate all across the country as the great Red Army of the Soviet Union parades on the Red Square, speeches held and people waving flags. As the end of the day approaches they bring the three painings veiled to the center of the Red Square. The premier of the union steps to the first painting and unveils it. The picture shows Lenin crouching next to a campfire in a great coat warming his hand with a traditional finnish hut in the background. The premier nods and says to the first professional painter: - Haraso, good! The cameraman follows the premier to the second painting. He unveils it. The picture shows Lenin sitting at a table reading a Marx volume with traditional finnish interior design in the background. The premier turns to the second professional painter: - Otsen haraso, very good! People rejoice as the premier moves to the third paining. As he unveils it, silence strikes the crowd and the TV shows the premier's face turning pale. The camera starts to pan the picture which shows Krupskaia, Lenin's wife, and Lunacharsky, Lenin's comrade in arms, having passionate doggie style sex on a four-poster. Champagne bottles and caviar cans scattered all around on the floor. The premier gasps for air then finally turns to the amateur painter: - But where is Lenin?! - In Finland.
Daedalus DuGalle Gallente University of Caille	Posted - 2007.11.01 10:33:00 - [18] A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician were having lunch and looking at an abandoned house across the road. They see see 2 people go in, and after a while, 3 come out. The physicist says: "It was measurement error" The biologist says: "They must have procreated" The mathematician says: "If another person goes in, the house will be empty." Originally by: Chribba Buy me enough Smirnoff Ice at the fanfest and I might get too drunk and do a Britney with you
Daedalus DuGalle Gallente University of Caille	Posted - 2007.11.01 10:37:00 - [19] The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says, "Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply." Originally by: Chribba Buy me enough Smirnoff Ice at the fanfest and I might get too drunk and do a Britney with you
Blue Binary	Posted - 2007.11.01 11:36:00 - [20] Recieved these gems by email: Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the midwest, she trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company..." Californian Bill Helko was thrilled when he had the winning numbers in the local lottery, the first prize being $412,000. He straight away went and ordered a Porsche, booked a family holiday in Hawaii and had a champagne dinner with his wife and friends at an expensive Hollywood restaurant. When he went to pick up the winnings he found that 9,097 others had also won first prize and his share of the jackpot was $45. Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam: A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core prnographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check. However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks. The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company." A creative writing class at Slippery Rock University was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements: Religion Royalty Sex Mystery The prize winner wrote: "My God," said the queen, "I am pregnant! I wonder who did it?" ____________ Blue B⁫⁫⁫⁫inary*
DubanFP Caldari Four Rings Phalanx Alliance	Posted - 2007.11.01 15:48:00 - [21] Originally by: Battleclash Edited by: Battleclash on 31/10/2007 20:38:34 I got a copy of the theory on hell too except mine was endothermic as according to the story the guy didn't get laid yet. On a side note, I use that line about everyone going to hell because we can't join multiple religions when I get into arguments with religious people Almost all of his things have been changed from the real ones. A LOT of the courthouse jokes have added final witness testimonies that never happened. ___________ Desolacer> Who the heck gives YOU the right to ruin it for others buy blowing them up. Zaqar> CCP
Znaei Caldari Thundercats RAZOR Alliance	Posted - 2007.11.01 18:29:00 - [22] Did you hear about the dyslexic Satan worshiper? - He sold his soul to Santa.. Not so hard! Air gets in between.
Sister Impotentata Caldari State War Academy	Posted - 2007.11.01 22:01:00 - [23] OK it's not a joke, but it is the quintessential American limerick. I claim the right to post it because I'm from the area. There once was a man from Nantucket Who's ** was so long he could suck it He said with a grin as he wiped off his chin "If me ear was a I would it!" I assume the filter will remove the offending chord, which is d-c-f. ----- TANSTAAFL Originally by:** Hostess Deconstructing the Twinkie is like trying to deconstruct the universe.

ISD Cobray Aine ISD Interstellar Correspondents	Posted - 2007.11.01 22:07:00 - [24] How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but it takes three episodes. -------------------- Submit a News Lead

Mudkest MetaForge Ekliptika	Posted - 2007.11.01 22:16:00 - [25] Originally by: ISD Cobray Aine How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but it takes three episodes. only 3? ----- GIEV custom ship paint jobs! I want my hello-kitty-kessie! For your safety do not destroy vital testing apparatus
Sister Impotentata Caldari State War Academy	Posted - 2007.11.01 22:18:00 - [26] Originally by: Mudkest Originally by: ISD Cobray Aine How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but it takes three episodes. only 3? Yeah. I'm not into the DBZ thing, but wouldn't the proper number be more like OVER NINE THOUSAND? ----- TANSTAAFL Originally by: Hostess Deconstructing the Twinkie is like trying to deconstruct the universe.

ISD Cobray Aine ISD Interstellar Correspondents	Posted - 2007.11.01 22:24:00 - [27] Originally by: Sister Impotentata Originally by: Mudkest Originally by: ISD Cobray Aine How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but it takes three episodes. only 3? Yeah. I'm not into the DBZ thing, but wouldn't the proper number be more like OVER NINE THOUSAND? That's the wattage of the lightbulb :p -------------------- Submit a News Lead

Mudkest MetaForge Ekliptika	Posted - 2007.11.01 23:40:00 - [28] Originally by: ISD Cobray Aine Originally by: Sister Impotentata Originally by: Mudkest Originally by: ISD Cobray Aine How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but it takes three episodes. only 3? Yeah. I'm not into the DBZ thing, but wouldn't the proper number be more like OVER NINE THOUSAND? That's the wattage of the lightbulb :p before or after it trasnforms to a supersayan mk xx+25 ----- GIEV custom ship paint jobs! I want my hello-kitty-kessie! For your safety do not destroy vital testing apparatus
Dark Shikari Caldari Imperium Technologies Firmus Ixion	Posted - 2007.11.02 00:04:00 - [29] There were two muffins in an oven. One of them said "Its getting hot in here, isn't it?" The other said "HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!!" 23 Member EVE Video makers: save bandwidth! Use the H.264 AutoEncoder! (updated)
Sister Impotentata Caldari State War Academy	Posted - 2007.11.02 00:47:00 - [30] Originally by: Dark Shikari There were two muffins in an oven. One of them said "Its getting hot in here, isn't it?" The other said "HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!!" Excellent. That puts me in mind of this classic: Originally by: The Internet's Mr Gardenback A guy walks into a bar, and sitting at the end of the bar is this fellow with a giant orange head. The guy walks up to him and says, "Holy **, dude, what happened to you? How did you get that huge orange head?" The orange headed guy replies, "Well, therein hangs a tale. You see, I was walking along the beach one day and I tripped on a lamp. Knowing how these things work, I picked it up and rubbed it, and a genie popped out. He told me I could have three wishes. For my first wish, I asked for 100 million dollars. Poof, there it was in front of me, a giant pile of money. For my second wish, I asked for a harem of beautiful women. Bam, I was surrounded by oiled-up Swedish girls. For my third wish- and I think this is where I made a tragic mistake- I asked for a big orange head." ----- TANSTAAFL Originally by:** Hostess Deconstructing the Twinkie is like trying to deconstruct the universe.
Sharupak Minmatar Knights Of the Black Sun Rule of Three	Posted - 2007.11.02 02:09:00 - [31] Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. "I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. The trainer laughed and said "You got him real good son!" To which the wrestler replied... "Yeah, you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!" _______________________________________________ RuntimeError: ChainEvent is blocking by design, but you're block trapped. You have'll have to find some alternative means to do Your Thing, dude.
Xonkra Gallente	Posted - 2007.11.02 03:51:00 - [32] a baby seal once walked into a club Originally by: Illyria Ambri No matter how you want to say it.. it always sounds like frog clearing throat "Ve zurrendur, dunt schuut"
Motokko Minmatar	Posted - 2007.11.02 10:22:00 - [33] 2 guys are lost and crawling through the desert, they've been at it for days and are thirsty and starving. Suddenly one of them stops and proclaims: Guy A > "Look over there, its a beef tree." Guy B > "Eh?" Guy A > "Look" pointing "Not the first dune, not the second dune, but just beyond the thrid dune. Its a fking beef tree!! We're saved." Guy B** > squinting "I cant see anything. Besides there's no such thing as a bloody beef tree. You're halucinating man. Maybe you have heat stroke." Guy A > "Fine, dont believe me? I'm going to crawl over there and come back with a big juicy steak and prove it to you." So off he crawled whilst his companion took a much needed rest and watched him go. Over the first dune he crawled, dipping out of site as he passed over the crest then reamerging as he climbed the second before shortly dissaperaing over that crest too. Just as he passed out of site beyond the crest of the third dune there was suddenly a loud commotion. Gun shots, explosions, and screams could be heard raging on for the next few minutes, rat-tat-tat-tat boom arggghh. Then, as suddenly as it had begun, everything went deathly silent again. Over the crest of the third dune the man could be seen crawling back, then the second, and finaly the first. When he got back the mans clothes were torn and dirtied, and the man himself was battered, bruised, and cut up. Guy B > "You look terrible, what happened?" Guy A > panting "That was no beef tree?" Guy B > "No?" Guy A > "No. It was a f**king ham bush."
Jackie Fisher	Posted - 2007.11.02 11:44:00 - [34] A huge Scouser is sitting at a bar having a drink. After a while a small guy comes and sits next to him. After a few minutes the little guys asks if he wants a blow job. The Scouser picks up the little guy by the throat, punches him in the face, throws him to the ground then kicks him out of the bar. He then sits down and continues his drink. The barman says ôWow, thatÆs not like you. What did he say?ö The Scouser replies ôNot sure, something about a jobö.
Devoras2 Amarr KIA Corp KIA Alliance	Posted - 2007.11.02 17:05:00 - [35] Originally by: Xonkra a baby seal once walked into a club Yipeh KIA Mother Fecker!
Motokko Minmatar	Posted - 2007.11.02 18:02:00 - [36] Edited by: Motokko on 02/11/2007 18:02:23 Two aussies are stranded in the middle of the ocean in a small row boat with no sign of rescue on the horizon. For days they've been stuck there being constantly fustrated with being thirsty but not being ale to drink from the huge expanse of water surrouding them. Just when they think they are at the end of their tether one them hears something knocking against the side of the boat. He leans over the edge to see a magic lamp in arms reach bobbing up and down in the water. He scoops it up, gives it a rub, and sure enough a genie pops out. "I am the genie of the lamp." it proclaims, "For rescuing me I shall grant you one wish, anything your heart desires". "Right on" the first aussie says and without second thought blurts out "I'd like you to turn the ocean into beer". The two aussies stood there in their boat gaping open mouthed at the sea of golden nectar spreading out in all directions as far as the eye could see. "Awww f'ing great." says the second aussie, "Now we're going to have to p*ss in the boat".
Anwylyd Al'Vos Minmatar LightSpeed Industries	Posted - 2007.11.02 19:22:00 - [37] Originally by: Motokko Edited by: Motokko on 02/11/2007 18:02:23 Two aussies are stranded in the middle of the ocean in a small row boat with no sign of rescue on the horizon. For days they've been stuck there being constantly fustrated with being thirsty but not being ale to drink from the huge expanse of water surrouding them. Just when they think they are at the end of their tether one them hears something knocking against the side of the boat. He leans over the edge to see a magic lamp in arms reach bobbing up and down in the water. He scoops it up, gives it a rub, and sure enough a genie pops out. "I am the genie of the lamp." it proclaims, "For rescuing me I shall grant you one wish, anything your heart desires". "Right on" the first aussie says and without second thought blurts out "I'd like you to turn the ocean into beer". The two aussies stood there in their boat gaping open mouthed at the sea of golden nectar spreading out in all directions as far as the eye could see. "Awww f'ing great." says the second aussie, "Now we're going to have to p*ss in the boat". lmao _ . - Justice, Mercy, and Faith My soul has horizons further away than those of early mornings, deeper darkness than the night
Trek Minmatar N.A.G.A Corporation	Posted - 2007.11.02 23:10:00 - [38] Originally by: ReaperOfSly Best maths joke ever. 2-dimensional serpents ---> Snakes in the plane! Hehehe! crappy nerdy jokes are fun! Here's another one Why are you not allowed to calculate the derivative of something with respect to time? - ddt has been outlawed for years! (I hope I managed to translate the joke to english in an understandable way) --- My other ship is a Reaper
Chainsaw Plankton IDLE GUNS	Posted - 2007.11.02 23:24:00 - [39] Baby do you have a derivative because i would like to get tangent to your curves
Sister Impotentata Caldari State War Academy	Posted - 2007.11.02 23:31:00 - [40] Originally by: Trek Why are you not allowed to calculate the derivative of something with respect to time? - ddt has been outlawed for years! (I hope I managed to translate the joke to english in an understandable way) Understandable enough to give me pain, yes Here's another super duper nerd one: Q: "How is a fork the same as zero?" A: "They're both the sin of pi." ----- TANSTAAFL Originally by: Hostess Deconstructing the Twinkie is like trying to deconstruct the universe.
Trek Minmatar N.A.G.A Corporation	Posted - 2007.11.02 23:51:00 - [41] Originally by: Chainsaw Plankton Baby do you have a derivative because i would like to get tangent to your curves Better be her integral and occupy the space underneath her! Originally by: Sister Impotentata Q: "How is a fork the same as zero?" A: "They're both the sin of pi." It is bad when your first thought is - But sine for pi isn't ze.... oh wait, radians! --- My other ship is a Reaper
Motokko	Posted - 2007.11.03 03:18:00 - [42] Oh god, I cant believe I giggled at the last 4 posts. That's it I'm never getting laid again. ------------------- "Stay Alert! Trust No One! Keep Your Laser Handy!"
Sharupak Minmatar Knights Of the Black Sun Rule of Three	Posted - 2007.11.03 03:22:00 - [43] That did remind me of a pickup line joke... "Hey baby, do you like math?" "Lets say we add you and me, subtract our close, divide your legs and multiply" Then there are other ones not related to math "If I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?" _______________________________________________ RuntimeError: ChainEvent is blocking by design, but you're block trapped. You have'll have to find some alternative means to do Your Thing, dude.
Motokko	Posted - 2007.11.03 03:25:00 - [44] Originally by: Sharupak That did remind me of a pickup line joke... Now if you're talking about pick up lines I've found the following one never fails: "Hey baby, get your coat .... I've got a knife" Ok I think its about time I stopped posting until I sober up. ------------------- "Stay Alert! Trust No One! Keep Your Laser Handy!"
Sharupak Minmatar Knights Of the Black Sun Rule of Three	Posted - 2007.11.03 03:46:00 - [45] Edited by: Sharupak on 03/11/2007 03:45:59 Originally by: Motokko Originally by: Sharupak That did remind me of a pickup line joke... Now if you're talking about pick up lines I've found the following one never fails: "Hey baby, get your coat .... I've got a knife" Ok I think its about time I stopped posting until I sober up. No way man you are doing good. Here is one... "That dress would look fantastic crumpled up on my bedroom floor!" _______________________________________________ RuntimeError: ChainEvent is blocking by design, but you're block trapped. You have'll have to find some alternative means to do Your Thing, dude.
king jks Perkone	Posted - 2007.11.03 04:03:00 - [46] "Would you let me be your derivative so I can be tangent to your curves?" "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" <- old classic ...but will it blend?
Chainsaw Plankton IDLE GUNS	Posted - 2007.11.03 04:51:00 - [47] Originally by: Trek Originally by: Chainsaw Plankton Baby do you have a derivative because i would like to get tangent to your curves Better be her integral and occupy the space underneath her! do you think she would like a spin around my x axis?
Scorpyn Caldari Infinitus Odium The Church.	Posted - 2007.11.03 11:17:00 - [48] Originally by: Sharupak "If I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against mine?" fixed 2007-07-19 20:26
MGrind	Posted - 2007.11.03 19:40:00 - [49] Sadly enough I know (not from experience, but from my learnings) that chloroform won't know someone out (well, a small chance it will), but will mostly make people sick. Diethylether is what will get the job done. And here's my pick up lines I guess I need to post: "Nices shoes... Wanna f***"
Scorpyn Caldari Infinitus Odium The Church.	Posted - 2007.11.03 20:12:00 - [50] Originally by: MGrind And here's my pick up lines I guess I need to post: "Nices shoes... Wanna f***" Another nice one I saw on TV once : "Hi! My bedroom is sound proofed." 2007-07-19 20:26
mendalev Gallente Vitai Lampada	Posted - 2007.11.04 01:27:00 - [51] Why are quantum physicists so bad in bed? Because once they find the position they cant get the momentum, and once they have the momentum they cant get the position.
northwesten Amarr Trinity Corporate Services	Posted - 2007.11.04 07:43:00 - [52] First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing, ' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.' ---------------------- sig --------- dont flame My English I am dyslexic.
Irish Whiskey Caldari The Black Fleet	Posted - 2007.11.05 01:22:00 - [53] In no way do I entertain the reality of this joke, but it's still funny... What kind of pizza did the world trade center order? Two plains.
N Ano Red Dwarf Mining Corporation space weaponry and trade	Posted - 2007.11.05 02:40:00 - [54] how many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? 5... 1 to stand on the chair with the light bulb in his hands and the other 4 to turn his chair in circles New Lame convo from eve coming soon tm
Mudkest MetaForge Ekliptika	Posted - 2007.11.05 13:23:00 - [55] Originally by: N Ano how many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? only 2, but needs to be a really big lightbulb ----- GIEV custom ship paint jobs! I want my hello-kitty-kessie! For your safety do not destroy vital testing apparatus
Mr Vee Aliastra	Posted - 2007.11.05 18:19:00 - [56] Why are pirates called pirates? ... Because they arrr.
Anwylyd Al'Vos Minmatar LightSpeed Industries	Posted - 2007.11.05 19:06:00 - [57] Originally by: Irish Whiskey In no way do I entertain the reality of this joke, but it's still funny... No... it really isn't. _ . - Justice, Mercy, and Faith My soul has horizons further away than those of early mornings, deeper darkness than the night

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