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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
   |
Posted - 2008.06.01 05:17:00 -
[1]
In an age of darkness...
At a time of crisis...
When the winds of war sweep across the four great Empires of Man...
In this era of woe, few are willing to take a stand for justice.
Few will fight to right the fiscal wrongs that afflict mankind.
Few are willing to walk the thankless path of tax collection.
We are those few.
We are the IRS.
These are our logs...
After a ridiculously long delay, the IRS brings you the fifth chapter of the critically acclaimed Taxman series. The previous chapters being The Taxman Cometh, Taxman II: Amarr Safari, Taxman III: Attack of the Blob, and Taxman IV: Rogue Agent (which honestly sucked and never got completed). As always thanks to all of our readers for the comments and feedback we have received. For those who do not enjoy the audit logs, please go die in a fire or subject yourself to some other painful demise.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.01 05:18:00 -
[2]
Audit Log 20080527.0419 - Over half a year. Been that long since I last stepped into the Oimmo office. So much crap since the last time. The last run with the Rabbits. The alliance idiocy of that incompetent cow Naphtalia. The runs the Mugen and Virus. The slow and bitter disillusionment with what I had become. And then the Gallente product recall which was the final nail. Broken. Shattered. Gave up on the pod-life. Took up the old Vicky Norton alias, went planetside, did odd jobs, ran out of boosters. Hit bottom. Was in a Zaniou clinic to sell off some organs when I saw it. The battleboat holo. And I remembered what I was. What I needed to do. To come back home.
Contacted some old Navy friends. Caught up on the local gossip. Ishukone station ran into a Nyx? Sucks to be you. Should watch where you're driving your station, not my problem. Just here to make happy with the CONCORD. Took a couple weeks, but made it happen. Hellish grind but finally done. And here I am again. Finally. In Oimmo. Home. Office is dusty. Apparently the little foreign office boy quit. Said something about being a bad boss and not valuing his opinion. Not sure, wasn't really paying attention. Think I had some other employees too. Whatever. If they don't show up to work then they're fired. Don't have room for slackers or quitters in the IRS. We're all about integrity and work ethic here. And if I'm the only agent, then it's up to me to pick up the slack. The job never gets done by itself. Hit the hangar lights. Part and slick the hair. Clip on the thin tie. Shrug on the black suit. Time to do some justice.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.01 05:19:00 -
[3]
Audit Log 20080528.1211 - There are few crimes worse than tax evasion. One of them is unlicensed mining. It's disgusting how deeply the corruption has sunk into my fair Oimmo. Must have been away for too long. No one to blame but myself I guess. Well not really. It is always the criminal's fault. I just say stuff like that to try and show some empathy for them. Never works, they still end up dying regardless. In any case, found my first vict-... Encountered a perpetrator today. Was running patrols in the trusty Moa. Pair of Hulks out mining in the far belts. Kessel Moria Syndicate (KMS). Seen this crew before. Tried to catch them in the act a few other times but their haulers were quick to grab the cans. Not this time though!
Warp in, swing the Moa around, start powering towards them at just over 250m/s. And powering. Still powering. They light me up with their targeters. Oooohhh Hulks, scary. Err... Warp-ins. Crapacal, Rifter, and a Cerb. Ok that's kinda scary. But I'm in a Moa! And I'm a tax enforcement agent. They wouldn't dare! Finally arrive at the can and open it up. Just as I thought! Illegal mining. And what's this? Militants?! Who keeps Militants in a mining can? Something's fishy. Confiscate the Militants and all hell breaks loose. Ok, so they would dare. Slam the MWD (always keep the guessing), launch the ECM drones, start locking. Rifter is all over me. Web. Crap! Fling the drones at it and blast away with the ACs (like I said, keep them guessing). Obliterate it's shields and the Rifter bugs out. Meh, sissy. Missiles doing a number on my shields as well. And more ships warping in. A poorly laid trap perhaps? Strange. But I got the distance, align to station and warp.
Now what to do with the Militants... Questioning them gets me nowhere. Gonna have to interrogate KMS. Quick scan. Station P7-CNA. Warp in and... oh my! Domi, drake, ferox, vexor, rifter, thorax, and an incursus. Right. Lots of drones, use the geography to my advantage. Burn down along the bottom of the station, get them caught up and strung out. Trade some potshots with the Incursus. And then they pull back the drones. WTF? Oh, the Concord timer expired. Well for everyone except the Incursus. It's a little Intaki trollop named Riskia. Well now it's pay back time. Bear down and lay in with the ACs. Awww, having problems docking with that aggro timer little girl? Slap a point on as she tries to align. Silly little frog tramp, you can't escape death or taxes! Continue spraying with the ACs. Ok, so the 425s were overkill, go with 220s next time. Takes a few tries but finally finish her off. Her goonsquad can do nothing but watch. Well let it be a lesson for them. Check the wreck and it's garbage. Typical of the welfare state she hails from. And the rest are tight-lipped about the Militants. Fine. Jettison the Militants in a can and execute them for suspected tax crimes. See how they like that! But there's something sinister going on here. Gonna have to keep a close eye on KMS. A close eye indeed.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Eternal Error
Exitus Acta Probant
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Posted - 2008.06.01 05:23:00 -
[4]
TL;DR
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Aadi Grox
Minmatar Mafia
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Posted - 2008.06.01 05:28:00 -
[5]
Edited by: Aadi Grox on 01/06/2008 05:34:19
 Originally by: Eternal Error
TL;DR
after reading, he killed an incursus with an AC moa
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Gunzo San
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Posted - 2008.06.01 09:22:00 -
[6]
Unless i am missing some higher plane of sarcasm which i very much doubt,ignore those 2 thick bufoons, They are not worthy of your talent.
Nicely written in a Phillip Marlow/film noir way.
Keep it coming.
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techzer0
IDLE GUNS
IDLE EMPIRE
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Posted - 2008.06.01 09:30:00 -
[7]
I'm glad I payed my taxes this year. Autocannon Moa's are beyond scary.
But a very good report, gimme more.
------------
Originally by: CCP Mitnal
It's great being a puppetmaster 
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Promethian child
VITOC
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Posted - 2008.06.01 20:29:00 -
[8]
Good thing the taxman lives an long way of
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
|
Posted - 2008.06.01 20:51:00 -
[9]
Audit Log 20080529.0803 - Another day, another tax. Rolling patrols again, this time with the Vexor. ACs again, of course. Those monkey Mini slaves don't have alot of things going for them, but ACs are definitely one of them. Love these things. Hopping belts looking for criminals and come across the standard KMS Hulk and Hauler set-up. Coast towards their can for a bit of inspection and they pull it in. Fine. I've got time. Go into close orbit and wait. They keep mining. I keep waiting. Come back to the console after a quick shower and find the ship wandering aimlessly off into space. Meh. Trundle back to position and start doing some research.
Kessel Moria Syndicate. Fairly new corp. About 58 members. Some have more than a few years on them, not bad. Seen a few in battleships, hacs, and recons. That's good. Dig a little deeper and we find the real dirt. NSENT. I knew it! Calvi Industries, the NSENT alliance, the links are all there. The filthy incestuous nature of the North. The NAPs, the back-patting, the kickbacks and shady deals. All these criminals are connected in one way or another. We audited and humbled NSENT before, but cut off one head and they grow another. And when you destroy those, there's even more behind. NSENT was just a front for something worse. And these jokers are just a front of a front. Layer upon layer of filth, excrement, and crime. There's a mastermind behind all of this. And one day I will find him. One day.
But for now, I must deal with the problem at hand. I've had enough of waiting. KMS has past due taxes. Strangely, the same exact amount every criminal corporation has been past due. 100 million. Audit time. Send "The Letter". 24 hours for them to do the right thing. They never do. Why bother? Because we must follow the process. Submit or be ground to dust by the inexorable wheels of the IRS bureaucracy. Those are the only choices.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
|
Posted - 2008.06.02 03:53:00 -
[10]
Audit Log 20080531.1624 - Well this is a first. No witless response from the criminal. No claims of taxes already paid. No vow to fight to the bitter end. No chest thumping or other mongrel idiocy that I normally expect from my clients. Nothing. Just silence. Somewhat unnerving to be honest. Not like the criminal nature at all. Leads me to believe that KMS may be competent after all. Don't like it. But a job is a job. Nobody ever said being a taxman would be easy.
Log into the Arazu and hit my targeted belt. Empty. Damn! Was hoping for a Hulk and a quick and brutal end to the audit. Oh well, gotta do it the old fashioned way I guess. Scan the system. No obvious targets. Head to their P7-CNA HQ... and they they are. Their little mob of thugs warping off one at a time towards P9. Hit my safe nearby. Scan, within 5au at a safe. Raven, Maller, Crapacal, and Griffin. Drop a probe and wait. Perfect hit. Warp in at range for some recon. And looks like they're warping out right as I'm coming in. Annoying. Head towards their last known position. Make a rough guesstimate with time and speed to get a good bookmark. Then head towards their other warp. Another probe. They're savvy though. Got a probe of their own out, and they're warping back to P9. Well maybe they aren't savvy enough. Warp to my mark and it wasn't too far off. Still just the four. I know the Arazu sucks these days, but I'm feeling spunky. Can cut out the Crapacal, I know I can. Stretch the neck muscles, flex the fingers, uncloak and it's on!
Drop the drones during cloak timer, then start targetting. Raven, Griffin, Crapacal. Don't care about the Maller, it's a worse than useless ship. Damp the Raven, guns on Griffin, drones on Cra-... Jammed! Dammit. Check my range and cap. Missiles starting to come in. Ouch. Gotta wrap this up quick. Ship explosion! Jam clears. Faithful little drones got the Griffin. Guess that quick frig lock wasn't so great for him after all. Lock up the remainders. Drones & guns on Crapacal, damps on Raven. Cuts down the damage a bit, but still about to hit armor. Drones doing their work, but not fast enough. Got more criminals coming in too. Domi and Myrm. Not good. Crapacal halfway thru shields, enemy drones in the air, and I'm in 3/4 armor. Shoulda been switching damps back and forth. Damn, out of practice. Time to turn and burn. Range them out and wait for the drones. Still got their Hammerheads coming in, with some Ogres in the background. Might as well pick off a drone for insult. Keep my distance and lay in with the iridium. Take it into struct when there is a sudden draft in the ship. Huh? There's holes in my ship. Big ones. Look down and I'm in structure myself. WTF?! Slam the warp button and check for attackers. No missiles, no ships, no dr-... The ship explodes around me. What the hell was that?! Slam warp again and hit a belt.
What hit me? What was it? I kept my range. There were no missiles. Drones were over 30km off. Sure as hell woulda noticed a Sniper Mega. Was it a Doomsday? And hey! I lost my Arazu. Wierd. First one I ever lost to hostile fire. Had it for every audit. Woulda thought I'd be more upset. I don't even really care. Strange.
Ponder the ramifications as I warp to gate. Jump, hit station, and check the hangar. The one thing I've learned about criminal mindset is that they never expect you to come back. They always expect you to think like they do. Idiots. Hop in the Domi and undock. Not sure which one this is. Run a quick systems check mid-warp. Right. Jump back in system and warp to bookmark. They're still there! And I land right on top the Raven.
Surprise beetchezz! It's payback time!
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Eternal Error
Exitus Acta Probant
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Posted - 2008.06.02 05:01:00 -
[11]
How do you redistribute 205% of the income you have collected (as per your corp description)?
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Spaztick
Canadian Imperial Armaments
EVESpace
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Posted - 2008.06.02 05:30:00 -
[12]
Originally by: Vladimir Norkoff
words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words
Uh, what is this for now?
But seriously, more people should have some type of spacer in their sigs to show it's not part of the post. |
Tufftud
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Posted - 2008.06.02 07:03:00 -
[13]
Woot! Keep it coming Norkoff, we missed you! 
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I Candy
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Posted - 2008.06.02 07:43:00 -
[14]
It Just gets better, More Taxman!!!
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Aadi Grox
Minmatar Mafia
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Posted - 2008.06.02 09:03:00 -
[15]
Originally by: Gunzo San
Unless i am missing some higher plane of sarcasm which i very much doubt,ignore those 2 thick bufoons, They are not worthy of your talent.
Nicely written in a Phillip Marlow/film noir way.
Keep it coming.
he asked for a tldr, i gave him a tldr, unless you have a better, quicker explanation of what happened
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Qui Shon
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Posted - 2008.06.02 12:46:00 -
[16]
Edited by: Qui Shon on 02/06/2008 12:49:04
Finding something worth reading in this kindergarten section (#4,12 for evidence) of the forums is rare. However, IRS logs do make up for all the crap. Among the best stories I've seen from all of Eve. My hat is off to you, ...you twisted bureaucrat 
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Omarvelous
Destry's Lounge
XIII Legio
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Posted - 2008.06.02 14:12:00 -
[17]
Edited by: Omarvelous on 02/06/2008 14:12:07
I was a big fan of the series last year - glad its back. I remember seeing some taxes being collected in Oimmo last fall, I loved the 'friendly' banter in local.
Keep up the good work - C&P's quality just went up a few notches.
__________________________________________________
Sup brosef!
Destry's Lounge is looking for a few good drunks - contact me in game.
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Sean Avery
Northern Star Enterprises
Northern Star Coalition
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Posted - 2008.06.02 15:39:00 -
[18]
\o/ Vlad.....my local comms buddy
Awesome writing my man
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
|
Posted - 2008.06.02 19:14:00 -
[19]
Audit Log 20080531.1624 - Cont. - Lock up the Raven. It's one of their scheming little Achura dragon-ladies, "Seven Below". What the hell kinda name is that? Seven below what? Seven points below standard IQ for not paying your taxes? Is it how deep you want me to bury you? Whatever. All that matters is that I redistribute your assests. Launch the Ogres, web & point, cover the 5km in seconds with MWD. And then start laying in with the Electrons. What? Were you expecting ACs? Always keep them guessing. Quick overview has the Domi and Myrm a good ways off, Valks incoming, Maller at useless ranges as well, Crapacal at range spitting out the occassional missile. No Titan or Doomsday that I can see. Still not sure what got the Arazu. But probably not gonna make it outta this one in any case.
Turn attention back to the Raven. It's tossing out Mjii Torps. Against an Armor ship? Moron. Ogres chewing thru it's shields. If it's repping, not doing it well. Own armor is falling pretty quick. Single rep trying to keep up. Looks like I'm getting neuted too. Not good. Injector struggling, but it's only a medium. Not sure what that's all about. Quarter armor and Raven is at half shields. Electrons still pummeling, but feeling that tightness in the back of the throat. Valks all over me. Taking some hard hits from something. Bouncers! Domi is using sentries. Bastard. That's what got the Arazu. This is really not going to be good. Dipping into structure and capping out as Raven falls to low shields. Numbers begin flashing by. 100mil taxes + 2mil audit fee + 98mil Arazu + 120mil Domi == Big Fvcking Deficit to overcome. Christ. Another injection, another rep! Raven shields fail, it's armor goes into freefall. Taking you with me b*tch! Damage Control the only thing keeping me alive. Half structure. Well aimed electron blasts, Raven into hull. Quarter structure. Another rep cycle! Ogres spewing plasma. Raven half hull. Wrecking strikes! Raven shudders and explodes. Slam the warp button. GTFO! Pull the drones. Armor down again, spewing flames. Aligning. More hull hits. Warp!
Warp fails half-way. Capped out. Check the readouts. 15% structure. Close one. But going solo against two battleships and a battlecruiser, that can happen. They should have brought three. We are the IRS after all. Finish the warp to station and land right next to Seven Below's pod. Oh hello! Locky locky! Bah. Docked. Spend a few moments repping up. No worries about them following to finish me off. They're not that smart. Dock, pay the repairs for hull. Start some quick tabulations. Current KMS bill stands at 107 million (107,000,000 ISK) in outstanding taxes. Damn that Arazu was an expensive piece of crap. Oh well. Can't make an omlete without breaking some eggs.
Hop into Cov Ops. Cloak up in a safe. Lean back in the pod and start doing some paperwork. An hour or so passes when I notice local comms squawking. It's Arsehatles (or something like that), a silly little KMS thug who apparently stylizes himself as a "brave warrior". How amusing. Whining about tax agents being cloaked. Not engaging. Oh really? Miss that part where your Raven just got owned? Very well then. Quick scan and rub my eyes. Can't believe what I'm seeing. A Hulk. Unbelievable. Did they really think I'd go afk? Oh no wait. There's Arsehat in a Manitcore. Awww... what a cute little trap. I'll bite though. How can I not with that bait. Warp back to station. KMS Moa outside. Grrr. Sit cloaked 'til it leaves. Never let them know you're coming. Finally gone, dock up. Walk down the hangar line and pick out the Vexor. Quick pat on the hull. Haven't been with me for too long, and don't think you'll be coming back from this one babe. But let's give them all you've got.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
|
Posted - 2008.06.02 19:15:00 -
[20]
Edited by: Vladimir Norkoff on 02/06/2008 19:17:12
Audit Log 20080531.1624 - Cont. - Undock the Vexor and warp to target. There's the Hulk. It's Captn g, pitiful excuse for Deteis if I ever saw one. No mate, you're not a captain. You're in a hulk, you're just a target. Launch the drones. Light him up. Triple pointed just to be sure. Wait for the Falcon and Manticore... Nothing. My god, they failed at their own trap! Hulk's drones are trying to fight back. Props for that at least, most hulk pilots just do the fetal curl. Armor just getting scratched when the Hulk detonates.
Still no backup. Wait. Solo Moa warps in. Score! I got a bonus round! Lock him up and send in the drones. ACs start chewing as well. It's got some tank on it. And then the screen turns red. Myrm, Rifter, Manti, and then an Abbadon lands right on top of me. Ewww. There's the back-up. Drones still working on the Moa. It's into armor. Myrm drones on me, armor vanishing. Moa half armor. Abbadon opens up. Ouch! Moa in hull, so am I. You can do it little Vexor! You can! Prep for the pod warp. Explosion! How many? Pod warps. Check the log! Did we get the Moa? Dammit! Missed it. Failed the bonus stage. Shoulda overheated the guns. Keep forgetting to do that. Still, got the Hulk. And it was even rigged. Nice. Hope Arsehat is happy and got everything he wished for.
Current KMS bill stands at 1 million (1,000,000 ISK) in past due taxes.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Wotlankor
KIA Corp
KIA Alliance
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Posted - 2008.06.02 19:55:00 -
[21]
I have missed these logs so very very much.
Thx Vlad for bringing em back to life.
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Elodie Debauve
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Posted - 2008.06.02 22:52:00 -
[22]
Entertaining read, as always 
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.03 14:49:00 -
[23]
Audit Log 20080601.2359 - Some days just end up that way. Had a nice bit of celebrating after the previous day's success. Figured after a sleepless night of boosters and alcohol, nothing would ring in a new day like a bit of auditing. Stumbled out of the Pod Pilot's Lounge, and bounced my way down to the hangar. Took a few tries, but finally got myself into the Arazu. Undock, and blearily take a look around. There's that KMS Moa again, right on the undock. It's Pman1993, Gallente transvestite who caters to the the deviant miner culture. Scum. Dock back up and switch to the rebuilt Vexor. Barge out of station and look for the Moa. It's turned into a Thorax. Ok that's weird. Take a second look just to be sure. Yep, that's a Thorax all right. And it's Pman. Whatever. Charge at it and send in the drone. Veer off into orbit at 9km with the web and point. Blasters are only useful when they're in range. Thorax shreds and dies without even landing a hit. Backup arrives too late as always. Drake, Myrm, Brutix, some cruisers. Trundle back to the wreck while they pound on me. T2 cap rechargers, plain vanilla weapons and tank. Failfit. Pathetic. Dock up and sort the evidence.
Try to remember where I parked the Arazu. Get myself back into that and undock. They're gone. Short attention span I guess. Quick scan shows them huddling by their P7 HQ. And Pman is back in it's Moa. Except it is not showing up in local commchat. Unbelievable. Drope a probe, warp to hit. A mil km off. Your idiocy must be painful, please let me help you. Drones and rails. Still has a decent tank, takes a few seconds longer than I'd expect. Wreck evidence is just as bad as before. And off goes the pod. Run another scan. Warp in at optimal. Some might show mercy at this point. But that word has never been in any accounting handbook I've ever read. Two volleys and it's back in station to reflect upon the error of it's ways.
Now where's the rest of 'em? Only 6 more left. Warp to their HQ. Cowering in the shadows of the station, some of them completely refusing to undock. I set up camp and watch. They continue to cower. Should probably feel bad about blobbing them in like this, but still haven't found a way to fight effectively with less than one tax agent. Besides, they called this on themselves when they didn't pay their taxes. Remainder of evening passes with drunken local banter to old comrades, and confining the criminals to station. Instead of a bang, the audit day ends with a mellow goodnight. Happens. Life of a taxman isn't glory and action all the time.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.04 06:08:00 -
[24]
Audit Log 20080603.0211 - An amusing if somewhat uneventful day. Ended a bit strange though. Spent the evening dueling with Arsehat, the make believe captain Targt g, and some other faceless twit flying a shield tanking Myrm. Had decided to use my own Myrm today. A proper Myrm mind you. Camped outside their HQ again. Took a bit, but they finally worked up enough courage to come out. Arsehat in a Raven, Targt g in a Griffin, the other scum in the Myrm abomination. Decided to play a favorite game of mine called "watch me kill your drones". Pop the Griffin with some Hobgobbies, then lead their drones away. Quick web and some ACs. Dead Hammerhead II. Apparently they want to try it too. Manage to pick off one of my Hobgoblins. Rookie luck. We go back and forth. 3 Hammerheads for me, to 1 Hammer, 1 Hob for them. The IRS always wins. Bump into an old Oimmo regular Lharia Longrifle. Explain the game, and how I am completely owning the KMS scum. She's amused but has the gall to actually say that my ego will be my undoing someday. Pfft! I am IRS agent. I am justice. And justice can never be undone. Laugh off her silly words... yet have a sense of foreboding. As if something ominous has been released. Bah! Superstitious idiocy.
KMS account currently stands at a -10 million (-10,000,000 ISK) credit to be held as deposit against further violations of the tax code.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Sean Avery
Northern Star Enterprises
Northern Star Coalition
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Posted - 2008.06.05 02:00:00 -
[25]
The suspense is killing me....
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YouEatedMyCookie
State War Academy
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Posted - 2008.06.05 02:12:00 -
[26]
Positively brilliant, fun reads.
I wish half the content on C&P was even a quarter as good as this. Keep it up!
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RuleoftheBone
Ataraxia.
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Posted - 2008.06.05 06:17:00 -
[27]
Carry on Vlad
"Lead Me..Follow Me..Or get the **** out of my way"
General George Patton USA
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Karanth
Eve's Brothers of Destiny
FOUNDATI0N
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Posted - 2008.06.05 06:41:00 -
[28]
IRS stories are the best stories.
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Blazing Fire
Interstellar Operations Incorporated
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Posted - 2008.06.05 08:19:00 -
[29]
I guess it has passed a lot of time since I stpped visiting C&P due to lack of something, anything or whatever.
I am not familiar with your past uhhh. exhibitions, but I will definately hit use the search functionality
Keep the taxes flowing 
Blazing Fire
CEO
Interstellar Operations Incorporated
Corp web site
Services
[Service] Killboard hosting
[Service] Forum hosting
[Service] Web site hosting
[Service] Obelisk for rent
[Service] Alliance Creation |
Voxek
|
Posted - 2008.06.06 06:02:00 -
[30]
Hmmmm... Domi killed, AND your a$$ podded for the 40 mil bounty...  ב ב
By a carebear mining corp?
And still no witty, acidic response yet?ב
No truncated, disparaging commentary slanted askew of reality on how you pwned the sheep-headed masses?
Or about how you allowed your sheep-headed a$$ to get pwned?
Perhaps it sucks to have your pricey little "tax-collecting" ass handed to you. 
To quote the cheesy prose of those who dared to go where no man has gone before -
"Revenge is a dish that is best served cold....בבב
It is very cold in space." ב |
SellYourPoppa
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Posted - 2008.06.06 08:47:00 -
[31]
he will respond ... after he takes a few swings at you first :) ... watch out. Some you win some you lose, important thing to try and keep ahead on the average ...
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Khader Khan
Exiled.
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Posted - 2008.06.06 15:16:00 -
[32]
These logs are the pinnacle of the EVE forums.
More please!
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Sean Avery
Caldari Provisions
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Posted - 2008.06.06 15:25:00 -
[33]
Originally by: Voxek
Hmmmm... Domi killed, AND your a$$ podded for the 40 mil bounty... ב ב
By a carebear mining corp?
And still no witty, acidic response yet?ב
No truncated, disparaging commentary slanted askew of reality on how you pwned the sheep-headed masses?
Or about how you allowed your sheep-headed a$$ to get pwned?
Perhaps it sucks to have your pricey little "tax-collecting" ass handed to you.
To quote the cheesy prose of those who dared to go where no man has gone before -
"Revenge is a dish that is best served cold....בבב
It is very cold in space." ב
shoo alt, don't bother me
prepare to be ass laminated by the IRS
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.06 16:03:00 -
[34]
Edited by: Vladimir Norkoff on 06/06/2008 16:04:14
June 5th, of our Very Favoritest Year 2008
Dearest Diary,
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. That thing that I was imprisoned in is finally gone. That horrible vile nasty evil defective clone that made me do such cruel vicious rotten things, has finally been destroyed. The hubris, and it's arrogant booster-adled habits finally catching up to it. It's bloated and unsightly Dominix destroyed and podded outside a station. The violence it lived by was so needless and unnecessary, and ultimately it was undone by the very forces it used to terrorize others with. Yet I do not know whether to celebrate, or weep at the lost opportunity at redemption. Though it kept me suppressed and locked away in it's sociopathic personality, I am sure that one day it could have become a decent person. A person that takes ample joy and fulfillment in the overwhelming happiness of life. But such is not to be, and that loss inflicts upon me such a deep and horrible ache.
And yet while I am finally free, I still find myself shackled by it's former life. One of the frightful audits that it has engaged in is still raging on in it's brutish and needlessly violent way. I have tried to end it so so many times, but the corporate computer shuts down every time I try to connect to our protectors CONCORD. And it just keeps blinking 120,000,000 ISK every time I reboot. I just don't understand, it's so frustrating that it makes me want to cry. But I only have a few days to wait, and then I can make peace. I have no idea how I will be able to make ammends to the victims of it's past life. They are undoubtably shocked and angered by the assault that they have had to endure. I can only imagine the kind of violation they must have felt, and the knowledge that in a way I may have been responsible simply tears me up inside. But I must find a way to make it up to them. It is truly the only decent thing to do.
Predicted Mood: Hopeful
Predicted Spirit Animal: A phoenix!
Taxman V: Back in Black
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SellYourPoppa
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Posted - 2008.06.06 19:01:00 -
[35]
Originally by: Vladimir Norkoff
But I must find a way to make it up to them.
:D reborn from your own taxman and make them pay :)
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.07 19:38:00 -
[36]
June the Fabutastic 6th, 2008
Dear Diary,
You are my truest friend. Writing with you always calms me. I have spent the morning cleaning and redecorating the office. I cannot believe that I had any connection at all with the previous clone. The dust and litter of discarded booster casings almost made me vomit in my mouth. But i feel much better for having cleaned it. Especially after these frenetic and frightful days. And they have been terribly frightful indeed.
The legacy of the "other" clone still haunts me. I am nothing like it, and I will refuse to walk it's nightmarish path. But it's touch seems to have affected everything no matter where I turn. The horrific "audit" that I have been left to clean up has somehow automatically been renewed. I do not know how it was done. The other clone must have done something. I don't know what, but I will figure it out. I must, I am after all the better clone. Still the stress makes me want to weep. I have considered jump cloning out of the area, but I fear the other clones may have been compromised by it's taint. And simply walking away from this mess would never be the right thing to do anyway.
So instead I have decided to try empathizing with those I have harmed before. I have bought a number of Bantams. These wonderful little ships make me so happy! So small and stylish. So Caldari! I have equipped them with the latest in mining technology and set out to do some honest work. I can see a KMS Rokh and Myrmidon on scanner. But I am not afraid. I will show these KMS miners that I have solidarity with them. That I deeply understand and care for them. For an hour I sit in the top belt, skillfully using my mining laser to gather up Concentrated Veldspar. I never realized that mining could be so fun! Filling up the cargo container next to me 95m3 at a time. Almost got up to 5,000 cubic meters of ore!
But that hour ended quickly. And tragically. A KMS Rohk and an Atron warped into my tranquil asteroid belt. From what I can gather they are the same pilots that so righteously dispensed with the other clone. I can't really blame them for their actions though. They still must have been hurting. And if their healing requires scrambling and destroying my little Bantam, I'm okay with that. Yet I cannot help but sob with the pain that they must be feeling as I warp away to station.
However, I did leave the ore behind in the can. So I do what any prudent individual would do. I get into my hauler and head back...
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.12 03:03:00 -
[37]
June 6th, 2008 - Cont.
Diary,
After having the KMS ships annihilate my Bantam, I of course returned in a hauler to retrieve my ore. I did after all mine it, so it belonged to me. What else would anyone do? But upon warping back I was flabbergasted to discover a neutral Falcon and hauler in the belt. And right on top of my can! My can! The temerity! So I did what any reasonable person would. I approached the can and scooped my ore up. Hmph. Showed them. Unfortunately a KMS Crow decided to take that moment to warp into the belt. I was already aligning to station when shockingly it warp scrambled me! I had thought that we were beyond such things, with my solidarity in mining and their previous venting with the Bantam. But apparently not. The Other clone must have greviously harmed them. Regrettable. I could do nothing but sigh and accept my fate. Which was of course, returning the ore to station. I mean, who doesn't fit a Warp Core Stab to every ship they own? Honestly. I warped away shaking my head at the needless violence, which the Other clone no doubt had a large part in fomenting.
Since then, I have had a difficult time trying to make amends. The KMS people seem to have moved away. To where, I do not know. But it seems like there are still eyes watching me. Strange faceless people that seem to watch my every movement. People that follow me when I go from system to system. It is disconcerting, and I do not know what to make of it. Even more upsetting is the computer screens in the office. They just continually blink 123,000,000 ISK. I am somewhat upset about this. I wish this whole thing would just end.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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SellYourPoppa
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Posted - 2008.06.12 06:08:00 -
[38]
Edited by: SellYourPoppa on 12/06/2008 06:08:26
Always keep them guessing, aye ?
Unless some devious IRS plan is afoot we must ask ourselves witch is the defective clone :).
Please don't tell us the IRS is finally broke.
In case u have forgotten :
"In this era of woe, few are willing to take a stand for justice.
Few will fight to right the fiscal wrongs that afflict mankind.
Few are willing to walk the thankless path of tax collection. "
The tax evaders are out there doing unspeakable acts...
Self destruct this pitiful clone and get back to your duty !!!
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Ombey
Obsidian Inc.
KIA Alliance
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Posted - 2008.06.12 12:47:00 -
[39]
Loving this thread, keep up the entries |
Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.13 00:29:00 -
[40]
6.7.2008
Diary,
I awoke to the computer screens in my sleeping quarters suddenly turning off. I am not certain, but I believe I heard a voice telling me horrible things in my sleep. And I think the voice was my own. I am deeply distressed. It is the Other, of that I have no doubt. It continues to haunt me. To make matters worse the faceless people continue to follow me. Watching me. They think I don't know they are there. But I do. They are probably the Other's doing as well. But I will not give into It's plans. I will thwart it. I am not the raving sociopathic lunatic It was. I am the superior clone.
I have continued in my quest to make amends with KMS. Talking with former Navy contacts, I have discovered that KMS has relocated to the Hageken and Kounakka systems. I find it disturbing speaking with these Navy thugs as they always seem to grin and wink as if there is some kind of inside joke. But I assure them this is no joking manner. I'm positive that the best method to negotiate a peace with KMS will be in person. However, that just seems to amuse them more.
To further complicate matters, the Other's atrocities against CONCORD and humanity have restricted my access to higher security space. I cannot get into Hageken without proving I am a good citizen. It puts me in the unpalatable position of having to run missions for these baby-killing Navy goons in order to redeem myself with CONCORD. On the plus side, the missions are similar to mining, just for security status instead of ore. Also, while the violence involved is abhorrent, it is against known criminals, which is somewhat acceptable I guess. I will continue along this path until I can plead my case to KMS in person.
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.13 22:21:00 -
[41]
Diary 6.10.2008 - It's been two days. They are still blinking. 123,000,000 ISK over and over again. And the faceless watchers are still out there. Watching. It is like a torture. I am beginning to believe that the Other had itself killed simply to do this to me. It is the sort cruel insanity It would do. I dislike admitting it, but I hate the Other. I hate It so much. It is always one step ahead. Mocking me. But I will persevere. We will end the madness. I will make peace.
Peace is proving to be elusive however. Occassionally I will see KMS pilots in Oimmo. But they always remain docked. They refuse to come out and meet with me. They refuse to speak with me. We have even tried mining again to entice them with enjoyable pursuits. Nothing seems to work. Perhaps they are still uncomfortable? Or they have a strict chain of command? Perhaps I must speak with their leaders personally.
To that end I have continued running missions for the Navy. We are inured to the constant explosions and killing now. They are only criminals. They have no souls. Not like real people at least. And it has helped achieve us the ability to enter 0.6 security space. But it is not enough. I must be able to go farther. If more pirate criminals must die to make it happen, it is regrettable. But then, they shouldn't have been criminals in the first place. Doesn't matter. No price is too high to pay for peace. We will end this horrific audit. I swear it.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.14 18:33:00 -
[42]
Aud Diary2008.06.11 - We can now enter 0.7 space. The wreckage of countless Sansha ships drift about me, and I find that we do not care. It is their fate as criminals. The carnage was a neccessity. Merely a means to an end. We will achieve peace at any cost.
However, attempts at making peace with KMS have again resulted in failure. While traveling through Oimmo, detected Parline, a lone KMS officer in a Typhoon. One of their elder statesman, and no doubt influential in their organization. Immediately undocked the Dominix and warped to their CNA HQ in order to negotiate a peace. Found the Typhoon docked and Parline uncommunicative upon arrival. Disturbing. Furthermore, we have learned the true nature of the faceless watchers. They are not pawns of the Other. They are KMS minions. Watching, reporting, mocking me. It is shocking that they would resort to such low tactics. But the situation has become clear. It is quite apparent now that this audit continues purely due to their actions. KMS has dismissed every overture of peace. Every attempt at friendship. Every olive branch. Which leaves only one way to end this audit. They are a blight. They are criminals.
123,000,000 ISK... I will prove once and for all that we are the superior clone.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Corstaad
Vardr ok Lidskjalv
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Posted - 2008.06.14 18:42:00 -
[43]
I'm confused is there a movie somewhere?
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ININJAYOULOOONGTIME
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Posted - 2008.06.15 09:50:00 -
[44]
bestest thread EVAH
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Amalath Tari
Gemini Technologies
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Posted - 2008.06.15 10:14:00 -
[45]
/moar!
And I'm loving the 'psychosis'? of the new cloneא
שששששששששששששששSigשששששששששששששש
The magic behind Minmatar ships is the fact that there is only one type of Minmatar ship. The only variation is when they decide to stop building it. |
SellYourPoppa
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Posted - 2008.06.15 16:54:00 -
[46]
We ?!
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Little Matt
New Fnord Industries
Black Scope Project
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Posted - 2008.06.16 02:09:00 -
[47]
Fantastic story.
Love reading this thread. Keep it up.
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MonwrathDisortium
Brotherhood of the Phoenix
Free Trade Zone.
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Posted - 2008.06.16 04:50:00 -
[48]
I love it, the taxman is some of the best reading I have done in a long time. Definatly the best on these forums.
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.16 08:22:00 -
[49]
Audit Log 20080612.0610 - Vengeance is mine. We ARE the superior clone. We have come to accept that the Other is as much a part of me, as I once was of It. However, It is the one that is now suppressed. It's feeble and defective nature of trying to keep things "just business" has been locked away. The job is never just business. It's personal. It's always personal. And KMS will learn the full depths of my wrath. Where the Other would hesitate to use non-convential tactics, I am not burdened by such ridiculous constraints. If KMS wishes to stoop to using non-affiliated spies to stalk and scan my ships, then we will plumb the darkest depths to exact an appropriate revenge.
Had recently contracted the services of a young SWA graduate by the name of spacedavey14. Good solid Caldari name, military trained, eager to enlist in the cause of fiscal justice. Have held off accepting him into the IRS until he can prove himself. His task, to scout Hageken and find KMS criminals. Primary target, a filthy Intaki skank named Risikia. Go undercover as a belt ratter. Enter system, lazy jumps from belt to belt, engaging rats in the loaned Merlin. Target sighted. Hulk. Belt 10-4. One other criminal in system, docked.
Difficult situation. Standard KMS procedure is to flee to station whenever I enter local commchat. Almost impossible to catch them. But the young apprentice has a plan. Noticed a Garmonite fanatic in system. It's El'tar, former wingmate, outstanding citizen. Running a courier mission of all things(?). Quick conversation, he agrees to help. Microwarpdrive Condor purchased, and plan set. The Garmonite drops into the belt, heads towards the Hulk. Spacedavey14 drops in as well. With a quick lock, and scream of "KAPLAH!", he nobly sacrifices himself to disengage the Hulk's logoffski drive. The Garmonite slams into the exhumer sending it careening into the asteroids. Again and again, Hulk spinning out of control, unable to align for warp. The young spacedavey14 doggedly continues firing until the very last when CONCORD arrives. And then engages his own logoffski drive.
We receive the signal. Log into the Arazu, in system, warp to belt. Hulk is jammed into a roid cluster. El'tar laughing maniacally, continuing to physically pummel it with his frigate. Hulk's drones orbiting, helpless to stop the frig as CONCORD looks on. Take a moment to smile. To let the despair sink in completely. Yes Risikia, you are about to die. Horribly. There is no hope for you. Launch drones and lay on the point. The Garmonite pulls into a high orbit. Sit and watch the Hulk flail and thrash as it dies. I find it pleasing. This is how it is done. This is why the Other was flawed. There is no holding back. There is no mercy. There is only making the criminal suffer for their crimes. And this is only the beginning for them.
The late evening is slower. Searches between Yria and Hageken pull up nothing. But a former employee calls in. One of the ones that the Other so idiotically fired. Has sighted Elayne Dy'ness in an Osprey. An Osprey? Really? Didn't know they still made those. And she's using mining drones of all things. How quaint. Regardless, criminals must be punished. Form the squad, move cloaker into position, switch to scan rez scripts, hop into system and warp. Arrive, still there. Lock, scram, give it the bump for good measure. It dies feebly as expected. Not impressed. Want it to hurt them more. They are criminals, they deserve pain.
Return to office. Screens blinking 13,000,000 ISK now. Better than the Other. And I shall continue to prove it. Still bothered though... they haven't sufferred nearly enough yet.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.16 08:25:00 -
[50]
Audit Log 20080612.0610 - Addendum - Reviewed the application for spacedavey14. He took on CONCORD to pursue righteousness. He sacrificed himself to prevent the criminal from escaping. He gave everything he had. But he still did not destroy the target. He failed. And we do not tolerate failure in my IRS. Lead him to the bio-reclamation facility at gunpoint. Suffered through the incessant pleas and whining. Emptied his pockets of the 500K ISK we forwarded him. Shot him in the kneecap to express our immediate dissatisfaction with his performance. Watched him scream and writhe in the cell for a few moments, then I personally pressed the button. Was rather messy to watch. Feeling much better though. He probably would have just ended up becoming a criminal.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Sean Avery
State Protectorate
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Posted - 2008.06.16 13:31:00 -
[51]
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Arvald
Caldari Provisions
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Posted - 2008.06.16 17:20:00 -
[52]
hi my name is Arvald, and i approve of this thread/service
Originally by: Xanos Blackpaw
Stealthbomber combat (or as i like to call it: Just because you are paranoid don't mean there isnt a invisible demon about to eat your face) |
Cegrocks
Kessel Moria Syndicate
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Posted - 2008.06.17 05:11:00 -
[53]
Edited by: Cegrocks on 17/06/2008 05:14:29
I am kinda liking this story you are telling about how evil us KMS people are. Although the story is nice, it is missing some facts of detail, although the use of language is wonderful, you should go into story telling.
Your friend always,
Cegrocks
Kessel Moria Syndicate
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.17 19:32:00 -
[54]
Audit Log 20080613.02349 - Almost two days. Thought we would go mad with the waiting. Waiting to punish them again. But we are patient. And patience breeds success.
First day was annoying. Once again KMS relied upon their spies and faceless minions. They are shameless in their vile tactics. Moving haulers out of Hageken. Relocating again. Failing in their feeble attempts to distract me. Their endless droning and jibber polluting commchat. Do they think we don't know? Do they think they think they are clever?! Fools. I know what they are about. But can do nothing about it. Instead sit in the Arazu and stew. Watching as CONCORD protected haulers and injustice parade past past me. They will pay. And pay dearly. Oh yes they will.
Awoke the second day to the litany of the Tax Code and the red blinking screen. 13,000,000 ISK. You will be black soon. So very soon. Don the black suit, clip-on tie, back to work. Quick check to see which criminals are active. Ahhh, the so-called Captn g. Always an easy target. Not terribly bright, but he got lucky the previous day. Had missed his Hulk by 2, maybe 3 seconds. Their paranoid fear of justice served them well. He won't be so fortunate this time. Not at all.
Contact one of our previous employees. Sin Fae. A proper Deteis valkyrie. Golden hair, racially pure, righteous hatred for illegal mining. A born tax agent. We go way back. From the days of CK-TF and fighting against the evils of WROK and CVA. Good times. But it is now a time for duty. Run the locator and send out the new faceless spy to narrow the position. Receive the report that Sin is in position on gate. Step into the office. Open up Sin's application. She jumps. Begins warping to belt. Review the app. Oh I think she will work out just fine. Accept. She hits the belt at the same time. Lean back in the chair and relax. Corp computer displays the confirmation shortly afterward. Smile. Yes. This is power.
Computer screens fade to normal interface. -92,000,000 ISK. We are in the black. But we are far from finished. There is no accounting for pain. And they must suffer much much more of it.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.17 19:39:00 -
[55]
Audit Log 20080613.02349 - Cont. - Not surprisingly the criminals begin to scramble about. Desperate to strike a blow in return. Idiots. It never works. Continue with the daily routine of improving my relationship with CONCORD. Apparently have to go ace some Zor chap in Oimmo. Odd. Thought I killed him before. Or maybe it's just a popular name? Whatever. Time to take the Drake out for a stroll. Return to station with the evidence and notice some KMS hoodlums about. Harpy, Blackbird, and a Griffin. They seek vengeance and they bring this? Insulting.
Lock them up, launch drones, and fire. Jammed almost immediately. And they are targeting the drones. Annoying. All are close range. Getting locked by an neutral Drake as well. Interesting. Jams end. Relock, hit the MWD, focus fire on the Blackbird, point and web. Oh? Did you think this was a mission fit? Fools! Caldari Navy HAMs spew out in a continuos stream. Blackbird crumples and explodes beneath the onslaught. CONCORD arrives! Oh crap! Wait a sec. Neutral Drake fired on me? Right. What was that all about? Not a worry anymore.
Turn towards the Griffin. Jammed again. FFS. Drones all gone. Both Harpy and Griffin had some damage. Hardly any myself. It's a Drake after all. Really have no idea what they were thinking. Sensors clear up. Lock and point the Griffin. Vanishes in 2 volleys. Now where were we? Oh yes, the Harpy. Take a closer look. It's Section eght. Idiot. He can't even spell his own name correctly. Lay on the point. He's trying to run. With an afterburner? Too funny. MWD flares and go screaming after him. Closing in on web range. 18km. 15km. 14km. Ship sputters and slows. Capped out. Dammit! Oh well. Turn about and grab the evidence. Malkuths, Hypnos ECM. Meh, could be worse.
Corp systems display solid black characters. -96,000,000 ISK. To be held as credit for future transgressions against the tax code.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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White Chasm
State War Academy
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Posted - 2008.06.18 04:29:00 -
[56]
Win.
_________________
Flagrant E-Peen Stroking - Check
Bragging over the littlest crap - Check
Endless stream of self-contradicting smacktalk - Double Check |
Sin Fae
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.18 07:00:00 -
[57]
Edited by: Sin Fae on 18/06/2008 07:04:42
Sin Fae looked on, impatient, as the old siezed Drake emerged at dock 56. It still had the offenders markings on it. No matter, Sin Fae thought, it was going to be auctioned off today - as it were, for the glory of IRS. And tomorrow I am going to look fabulous!
A Caldari orderly appeared. "Your clone is ready for your interview tomorrow ma'am."
Dread Agent. After months of undercover work in Gallente space, Sin Fae's cover was blown when footage from the Federal Navy Acadamy was leaked to the press. In response, Caldari Special Operations Command (CSOC) released a training video to facilitate the funding of militias.
In the inevitable media frenzy, Sin Fae became an instant public figure overnight. Collecting the tax over the years is hard work, though, and it showed. Why shouldn't a new age usher in a new clone?
As Sin Fae boarded her new Apotheosis shuttle, a message flickered.
A smile emerged from Sin Fae's new face. 12 million Isk. Not bad for 5 minutes of work. Vlad will be pleased.
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Qui Shon
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Posted - 2008.06.18 07:11:00 -
[58]
Originally by: Vladimir Norkoff
Receive the report that Sin is in position on gate. Step into the office. Open up Sin's application. She jumps. Begins warping to belt. Review the app. Oh I think she will work out just fine. Accept. She hits the belt at the same time. Lean back in the chair and relax. Corp computer displays the confirmation shortly afterward. Smile. Yes. This is power.
If it really works like that, it's a pretty messed up system. Doesn't really surprise me though, with CCPs track record.
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Omarvelous
Destry's Lounge
XIII Legio
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Posted - 2008.06.18 14:13:00 -
[59]
Originally by: Vladimir Norkoff
[u]...Had recently contracted the services of a young SWA graduate by the name of spacedavey14. Good solid Caldari name, ...
__________________________________________________
Sup brosef!
Destry's Lounge is looking for a few good drunks - contact me in game.
|
Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
|
Posted - 2008.06.20 00:10:00 -
[60]
Audit Log 20080615.1134 - Some days it's just too easy. In typical criminal fashion the KMS thugs went into hiding after their losses. However, by it's very nature the criminal has a limited memory capacity. One must only wait a day, and they will once again do something inanely stupid.
Finished paperwork, and head out on patrols in the Vexor. First stop, KMS hideout at P7-CNA. Four tax evaders in station. Usual mix of thuggery - BC pilot and some ECM villains. Only need to wait for a few seconds and a Cormorant conveniently undocks. Have always been curious about the Destroyer-class ships. How has the typo managed to perpetuate for so long? Should really have been a "d" at the end. In any case, lock it up and scram. Amusingly it locks back. And fires? Oh? Attempting another trap? Glance up to see what else will be undocking. Nothing. Distracted by the exploding Cormy. That's nice. What else? Wait... Nothing... Unbelievable. Evidence is curious to say the least. CalNavy TungstenS? Never knew they made such things. Much less anybody using it. But what can one expect from deviants? A market for every perversion I guess.
Continue patrols through the cluster. Run some locators. Dead ends. Start some work for the Navy again. Blood Angels acting up again. How dull. Halfway through, notice that Oimmo has begun to accumulate another layer of KMS filth. Just goes to show that cleaning is a never ending chore. Switch back to the Vexor. Usual band of scum is out in force. BlasterRohk, ShieldMyrm, Blackbird, and frigs. Maneuver about until the Blackbird is in position. Only thing more despicable than those ships are the pilots who fly them. In this case, Milly Runefire, the slack-mouthed KMS fluffer. Horrid name. Like some sort of pathetic throwback to days of swords and sorcery. We'll have none of that here. Lock it down, send in the drones. Disintegrates in short order. Rest of the hoodlums flail about impotently. Ridiculous. Dock up and continue with Navy business. On a time schedule after all.
Finish out rest of the mission. KMS finally start trying to scan it out. Only about 2 hours too late. And with a Fathom. Bloody amateurs. Head back to station and see that somebody left the Runefire trash out again. It's in a Merlin. Scourge it with a few quick volleys. All clean now. The rest blunder in. Still flailing. Still ridiculous. Not worth the effort.
Check the computer. KMS account shows -102,000,000 ISK. To be held as credit for future transgressions against the tax code.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Gigi Kent
Terradyne Networks
|
Posted - 2008.06.20 18:42:00 -
[61]
MOAR!!
--------------------------
Sig do what now? |
Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
|
Posted - 2008.06.20 23:14:00 -
[62]
Audit Log 20080616.0712 - We really do love my job. It's not the pay (which sucks). It's not the hours (which are long). It's knowing that what we do makes a difference. Enough of one that someone has felt fit to put a price on my head once again. Possibly the KMS hoodlums frustrated over the loss of their Hulks. Or perhaps some other nameless group of villains, or even the shadowy puppetmasters that pull the strings behind the North. Attempting to stop justice before it reaches them. It will never work. We are inevitable. We are the IRS.
Pull out the Vexor again. Such a great little ship. Nigh indestructable. Set up camp outside the P7 HQ. Need only wait a few moments until a neutral hauler undocks. Misha Arsehat. Pitiful attempt to spy. Had been in KMS up until 2 days ago. Could you be more obvious? KMS goons come piling out of station when their ploy is exposed. Domi, Myrm, Maller, Balckbird, and even a little Merlin. How cute. Play touch and go. Kill off a few drones to assert our dominance. Warp out as the damage mounts.
Return and they're gone. Using different tactics now it seems. Lurking around in space rather than hugging station as they normally do. Excellent. Bit of scanning finds them at P1. Still their full gang. Still just our Vexor. They don't stand a chance! Come in hot... And they are 100km away. And they show no signs of moving. Sigh. Throw out the challenge and warp to P2. As expected, takes them a few moments but they follow. Merlin first to arrive. Elayne Dy'Ness. Sounds Gallente. That means you die. Point and web, guns and drones make short work of it. Rest of their band mob barreling in. Hit the MWD to pull some range. Speed is everything and they have none. Lock up their Hammerheads to add insult to injury. Finish off the first one when we're hit by a bus. WTF?! Domi. Had MWD. Ow. Scrammed and webbed. Cap vanishes. Dammit. Vexor isn't so indestructable after all.
Many would see failure in this situation. We see only opportunity. They've switched to small ships. One is Section eght in the Harpy again. Missed it last time, but now it dies. Hatch a devious plan. Grab a new ship and fit up! A Merlin. Yes a bloody Merlin. (Shutup! It's a great plan!) Undock and they're right outside. Harpy and the Maller. No chance. They're doomed! Hit the MWD, lock, point, web the Harpy. Standard launchers flare to life spewing out Sabertooth death. ACs rattling away landing occassional hits at range. Harpy attempts to fire back, and fails. You're at 8km chump, blasters and rockets have no range. Continue unloading as it's shields crumple. Maller finally gets a lock. Grunt as the lasers hit. Medium extender still holding up. Oh yes, dual MAPC are my friends. We have tank AND gank! Harpy into armor as the other goons arrive. Not good. Need ACs hitting. Try approach but webbed as well. Maller punching holes in shields, mob have drones out. Harpy half armor. Do it! ACs rattling away. Drones on me. Lasers hit again. Ouch. Warp out of the explosion.
Right. That could have gone better. Vexor and a Merlin down, have only managed to pop a frig in return. So damn close on the Harpy though. Would have had it too, if it weren't for that meddling Maller. Never liked fighting Amarr ships much. For all the whining the hoodieheads do, they're frighteningly powerful ships. Though Maller is probably worst of the bunch. Well best to solve that problem in any case. Dock up. Hooligans are still dancing about outside as if they scored an incredible victory. Undock and show them the error of their ways. They scatter like roaches from the light of our majestic Domi. All except the Maller. Slam our foot down hard on that one. It tries to wriggle and squirm. Drones and blasters put a quick end to that. Fitting payback. But still not enough. Kill tally on equal terms, and that is unacceptable. Patience though. Patience is always the key.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.20 23:14:00 -
[63]
Audit Log 20080616.0712 - Cont. - Refit a new ship and wait. They drift off one at a time. Finally it is time. Seven Below in a Crow named "with Teeth". No little bear, you won't have teeth when I'm done with you. Undock the new Merlin. Warp to their hideout at 100km. Predictably she engages. And predictably she closes into close range. Web and it's over. Nothing comes out to save her. Tries to warp her pod to station. And that's why we're at 100. Before her dense little mind can process the situation she finds herself in a clone bay. Yes, this is justice.
Stroll back to station with the evidence. Not too terribly bad. Pity it didn't have Polycarbs though. Computer screen holds steady at -112,000,000 ISK credit on the KMS account. All in the black.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.21 00:50:00 -
[64]
Audit Log 20080617.1343 - The life of a CEO is never easy. The ceaseless responsibility of watching the wallet grow from corp slavery. The labors of commanding subordinates to fetch coffee. Not to mention the increased prestige and visibility, which in this case has lead to an increased bounty. The nefarious work of that filthy strumpet we punished the other day, no doubt. Honestly though, you'd think they could afford something more impressive than a feeble 5,000 ISK. Not like they're spending it on taxes after all.
In any case, finally have agent Sin Fae back up in the area. Apparently been spending the past few days primping herself for an upcoming ISD interview. Which is fine and all, except that duty comes first. Wherever there are tax evaders, Righteousness must strike hard and swiftly. And today it must strike a swarm of KMS Rifters. Seems they didn't like having their Harpy and Intie owned by a mere Merlin. Trying to pull the EMP/Sabertooth trick themselves. Yeah, that's likely to happen. Let's try a change of pace then. Jump a system or two and buy a new Tristan. Let's see how this works. Or not. They see the Tristan and change up to a Blackbird, ShieldMyrm, and a BlasterRohk. Sometimes it's hard being an efficient Tax Agent.
Ponder for a few moments and come to a conclusion. Back when the Other sank into it's darkest depths of depravity. When It was trying to sell our organs to Zaniou, It did one rather bizarre thing. It began reading "Ownage the Caldari Way: The Torpedo Lifestyle". Never really understood what that was all about. We've never really bothered studying weapon systems before. Always been more partial to Electronics and Engineering. And drones of course. Our lovely little drones. But for some reason It studied torpedos. All the way to advanced studies. First and only T2 weapon we can use. Rather amusing considering that we've never even fired a torpedo our entire life. But for some reason It studied them. And even fitted out a Raven with CalNavy Mjiies. Convenient. Work out a plan with Sin. Undock and engage.
Lock and scram the Myrm. Mjiies tearing through it's shields. I like these. I like them ALOT! Pulse the MWD to keep distance on the Rohk. Neutrons are only work when they hit. Drones all over me, and then jammed. Sin Fae warps in at range with a Drake. Jam clears up pretty quickly afterward. KMS plays dock-undock as torps tear into them. As nice as they are, torps can't keep up with station docking regen. Hit the MWD with drones in close pursuit. Shields fail and into armor. Annoying. Hate repair bills. Armor dropping fast. Finally get a hold of the Station Manager and dock. No donuts this time you bastard.
Ponder the situation and get a new plan. Blackbird was once again that dimwit Milly Runefire. And idiotically she had warped to the Rohk. Undock and run on top our little wizardess Runefire. Point, web, drones, dead. Warp out surrounded by a cloud of drones. Like clockwork. But we're not done yet. Still need the evidence! Sin Fae warps in and starts a distraction. Flip around and warp back, MWD to the wreck and check the goods. Meh, all T1. Take it anyway. "Better mine than yours" - Taxman motto. Without a doubt, a flawless victory. Send out instructions to call it a day. Dock up, smile, and stretch back in the pod. Life is good. And then get the message in local commchat. "Oops?".
What does Sin Fae mean "oops"? Saw a Vexor at P3. KMS head-honcho MiMena. And she warped to it. In a drake. With no MWD. Close our eyes. Rest head against the console. I am sooo going to kill her. And then she disappears from local commchat. They didn't. They did. Sons of biitchez! Unclench the fingers. Let go of the anger. Fly like it's personal, but don't fly angry. Rage is the mindkiller. Release the controls and sit back. Glance over at the computer. -87,000,000 ISK. Bastards. They will pay. Oh yes they will. And MiMena is at the top of the list.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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techzer0
IDLE GUNS
IDLE EMPIRE
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Posted - 2008.06.21 02:04:00 -
[65]
Originally by: Vladimir Norkoff
Never liked fighting Amarr ships much. For all the whining the hoodieheads do, they're frighteningly powerful ships.
Bwahahahah...
That is sig worthy right there...
------------
Originally by: CCP Mitnal
It's great being a puppetmaster
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Ridley Tree
The Black Rabbits
The Gurlstas Associates
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Posted - 2008.06.21 04:47:00 -
[66]
Definitely good to see you back Vlad
_______
Pirating 101: A Basic Course |
Sin Fae
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.22 04:29:00 -
[67]
Edited by: Sin Fae on 22/06/2008 04:30:09
I - I didn't mean to crash the impounded Drake, must have been that new cough syrup I'm using.
Originally by: Vladimir Norkoff
"Ownage the Caldari Way: The Torpedo Lifestyle"
Classic Vlad, classic.
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General Hawke
Shinra
Shinra Alliance
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Posted - 2008.06.22 18:32:00 -
[68]
NW, Vlad. Nice to see you back at the writing.
Redistribute alittle isk to my pockets. 
And, \0.
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.23 03:39:00 -
[69]
Audit Log 20080619.2155 - It's funny. Completely missed my anniversary. Been doing this for a year straight now. Was just a couple days ago. Would think we could take at least a little time off to celebrate our successes. But Duty is a remorseless taskmaster. As long as their is Evil in this world, then the IRS must be there to face it. Unblinking. Undaunted. Unstoppable. And if it requires the sacrifice of a missed birthday or two, then we will willingly accept that burden. For good of all of us.
Previous day went as expected. KMS showing little sign of action or creativity. Trying to act brave after their dogpile on Sin Fae. Pitiful. In an amusing sidenote, learned that Sin's Drake wasn't even really hers. Had obtained it during a repo job. Pilot had actually ejected rather than face justice. Explains the stupid cyrillic name it had. Mollifies my anger a bit. Still she's wisely keeping her distance at the moment. KMS isn't so bright though. Their attempt at having a spine today being a poorly executed trap. MiMena sitting at a planet again. Neutral pilot in the BlasterRohk, apparently trying to pull the surprise corp acceptance trick. With the same tactics as yesterday. Against us? Honestly? Pathetic.
Second day was far more eventful. Last day of the audit. As expected, the criminal becomes more active. A depressing combination of deficient memory, and desperate desire to maintain their "street cred". It happens everytime. And always ends the same. One would feel sorry for them, except for the fact that they brought upon themselves by not paying their taxes. And that is the saddest part. If they had only paid the 100 mil...
Start patrols as we do everytime by checking their hideout. In the trusty Vexor as always. An almost instantaneous response with the ShieldMyrm and ubiquitous Blackbird. They are feeling spunky today. Kill a few of their drones and they try to drop a RavenBomb. It's our old friend Arsehat. Raven is a powerful ship, especially with torps. Though I find they work better when they shoot farther than 15km. Becomes a simple matter of kiting, and he's reduced to a useless bystander. But patience as always is the key. Wait long enough and good things will happen. MiMena undocks. Finally, an officer spawn. Been waiting for you mutherfuker!
Dip in to pull the aggro and seperate the targets. Warp out. Quick rep. Head back in. Boss encounter still there. Raven, Myrm, and BB out as well. Been using the same warp point for two weeks. Have finally gotten them trained. MiMena sitting right on top it. Best part is, probably thinks he's being smart. Both lock up. He lays in with the Medium Neuts. I know your tricks and fit already, you Gallente scum. I see through your moves. And you don't have enough time for neuts to make a difference. Send in the drones, start the ACs. Rest of the KMS mob starts laying in as well. Torps hurt. Drones do too. Shields vanish and into armor. Grit the teeth and suffer through it. Armor dropping. Could run, but vengeance comes first. Nobody kills my employees but me! Doesn't take long though. As expected, the fool is using a repper. And no repper can keep up with righteous fury. Drones make mincemeat of him. Could go for the pod, but would rather have him live with the shame. To remember how easily he was punished in front of his gang. Despite superior numbers. Superior firepower. Superior ship classes. All are meaningless to the IRS. We are Justice!
The remainder of the audit passes peacefully. Their CEO chatting up local. Feebly attempting to pass off his loss. Hurts? The remaining criminals huddling in their stations or scattering to the four winds. Success. Can only smile. I am indeed the superior clone. Computer shows -91,000,000 ISK... In black.
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.23 05:12:00 -
[70]
And so ends the fifth installment in the Taxman saga.
In the end managed to rack up 21 kills, 7 losses. Estimated damage of 425 million inflicted, about 250mil received (not including pods). Caused a corp membership loss of 25%. And obtained the Hulk Trifecta yet again. So a fairly decent run all things said.
It ranks up there as one of the more difficult audits I've had. I believe a large reason for this being the size of the target. Smaller, more nimble, better communication than the larger corps and alliances of the past. Also less confident in their abilities. Lead to me being constantly outnumbered and outgunned. Expected and a good move on their part. Good discipline as well. Almost complete blackout on Local. On the downside, a somewhat less than ethical group (or certain members?). Continuous use of alts, and some poor killboard habits. But they will mature eventually, I'm sure.
Audit also holds the distinction of being the first time I've ever been podded during one. The events leading up to it were particularly amusing (at least imo). In a maneuver of drunken brilliance, I managed to NOT dock my ship and go afk right outside the KMS HQ.  Apparently the ship had been sitting there for over an hour before I finally managed to get back to the computer. Unbelievably it still hadn't been popped. Instead of walking away with my good fortune, I of course decided to stick around. (Yay alcohol impaired judgement!). And then subsequently fell victim to an well-executed CapDrain trap which actually managed to turn off my DCU (first time I've ever seen that!). Props to Juan Rayo for organizing that one! On the plus side, at least I got to die in the ship rather than returning to the computer and trying to figure out why I was in a different system and in a pod. Would have been a tad embarassing.  (As if getting podded wasn't embarassing enough).
But fear not noble reader! The Audit Logs will return! Already we are investigating more potential crimes and misdemeanors in the darkened belts and backalley stations of Lonetrek. Possibly even in your system! For wherever there is Evil, wherever there is Injustice, wherever people have more money than sense... the IRS will be there!
Taxman V: Back in Black
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Yanik Olsen
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Posted - 2008.06.23 10:27:00 -
[71]
BRAVO!
/me claps, well done sir, a brilliant episode in the ongoing tribulations of the irs.
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Quinn DelTirith
Firman AB
101010 Alliance
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Posted - 2008.06.23 11:09:00 -
[72]
Edited by: Quinn DelTirith on 23/06/2008 11:09:45
So much better than the typical C&P...fun to read and no doubt fun for both sides of the fight.
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Sin Fae
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.24 02:54:00 -
[73]
Yay! General Mining Tax law is in effect!
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Amalath Tari
Gemini Technologies
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Posted - 2008.06.24 11:45:00 -
[74]
Best stuuf I've seen on the whole forums.
Keep up the good work Vlad.
שששששששששששששששSigשששששששששששששש
The magic behind Minmatar ships is the fact that there is only one type of Minmatar ship. The only variation is when they decide to stop building it. |
Section eght
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Posted - 2008.06.28 07:11:00 -
[75]
Edited by: Section eght on 28/06/2008 07:12:36
This seemed to fit :)
At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he said to the Rabbi, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: What about all these matzo (bread) purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box
of matzo balls.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi, what do you do with all the
leftover ********s from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'We save up all the
********s and send them to the Internal Revenue Service, and about
once a year they send us a complete ****.'
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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
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Posted - 2008.06.28 14:32:00 -
[76]
Originally by: Section eght
stuff
Obviously a fictional story. In reality an IRS Agent would kill the Rabbi halfway through his first answer. All audits end in violence. All of them.
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PhantomVyper
Imperial Shipment
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Posted - 2008.06.28 20:40:00 -
[77]
Yay, the IRS is back.
Wonderful read as always, keep them coming.
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The8SensE
Minmatar
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Posted - 2008.06.29 16:27:00 -
[78]
Vlad, we all appreciate your work :) keep it up
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Wideen
Contraband Inc.
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Posted - 2008.06.29 20:14:00 -
[79]
Very nice, been missing these! keep it coming o7
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