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Azuraito
Caldari Caldari Provisions
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Posted - 2008.10.21 12:06:00 -
[1]
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
/Continued |
Azuraito
Caldari Caldari Provisions
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Posted - 2008.10.21 12:07:00 -
[2]
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (I.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Originally by: Joshua Foiritain Hiding would be the way to go.
The mods ganked my Sig :( |
Avaan Eclipse
Gallente
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Posted - 2008.10.21 12:17:00 -
[3]
Old, but:
Humour at it's, maybe not finest, but pretty good.
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Reven Cordelle
Caldari School of Applied Knowledge
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Posted - 2008.10.21 13:17:00 -
[4]
Point 11 is a bit stupid.
American football is savage, Our football (soccer) is where the nancies are. "OH he tackled me, fall down and fake injury! Waaah, pay me more money, my ankle might be slightly bruised!"
Only one I agree with is Point 7, to a degree.
The rest is just hyped up British elitism, the way this country does it best.
At the end of the day, America put the V8 into a mass-production vehicle, they invented Mountain Dew and have brought us many good video games. 'Nuff said.
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JordanParey
Minmatar Suddenly Ninjas
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Posted - 2008.10.21 13:32:00 -
[5]
Originally by: Reven Cordelle
At the end of the day, America put the V8 into a mass-production vehicle, they invented Mountain Dew and have brought us many good video games. 'Nuff said.
quoted for truthiness
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Unity Love
Caldari Deep Core Mining Inc.
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Posted - 2008.10.21 13:32:00 -
[6]
Originally by: Reven Cordelle Point 11 is a bit stupid.
American football is savage, Our football (soccer) is where the nancies are. "OH he tackled me, fall down and fake injury! Waaah, pay me more money, my ankle might be slightly bruised!"
I think the point made that in comparison to RUGBY American Football is for flowery women.
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Xen Gin
Universal Mining Inc Forged Dominion
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Posted - 2008.10.21 13:36:00 -
[7]
Edited by: Xen Gin on 21/10/2008 13:37:03 Edited by: Xen Gin on 21/10/2008 13:36:27
Originally by: JordanParey
Originally by: Reven Cordelle
At the end of the day, America put the V8 into a mass-production vehicle, they invented Mountain Dew and have brought us many good video games. 'Nuff said.
quoted for truthiness
Wasn't Mountain Dew recalled for being carcinogenic?
Also, Coca Cola my be American, but Fanta is **** Germany!
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Unity Love
Caldari Deep Core Mining Inc.
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Posted - 2008.10.21 13:53:00 -
[8]
Originally by: Xen Gin
Also, Coca Cola my be American, but Fanta is **** Germany!
Sorry to burst your bubble but its been owned by Coca Cola for 40 odd years.
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JordanParey
Minmatar Suddenly Ninjas
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Posted - 2008.10.21 14:08:00 -
[9]
Originally by: Xen Gin
Wasn't Mountain Dew recalled for being carcinogenic?
No.
I still revel in the hypercaffeinated, diabetic-coma-inducing sugary liquid joy that is Mountain Dew. DO THE DEW!!!!!111! (tm)
P.S. I am saddened that in this community of smartasses, nobody noticed my reference to Steven Colbert.
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Micheal Dietrich
Caldari Terradyne Networks
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Posted - 2008.10.21 14:47:00 -
[10]
Welcome to 2004
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supr3m3justic3
Caldari Hakata Group Blade.
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Posted - 2008.10.21 16:03:00 -
[11]
Edited by: supr3m3justic3 on 21/10/2008 16:03:45 Dear England,
Go shoot up some more hero!n.
Thanks, The President of the United States of America ____
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Unity Love
Caldari Deep Core Mining Inc.
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Posted - 2008.10.21 16:18:00 -
[12]
Originally by: supr3m3justic3 Edited by: supr3m3justic3 on 21/10/2008 16:03:45 Dear England,
Go shoot up some more hero!n.
Thanks, The President of the United States of America
Bad taste.
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Micheal Dietrich
Caldari Terradyne Networks
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Posted - 2008.10.21 16:24:00 -
[13]
Originally by: Unity Love
Originally by: supr3m3justic3 Edited by: supr3m3justic3 on 21/10/2008 16:03:45 Dear England,
Go shoot up some more hero!n.
Thanks, The President of the United States of America
Bad taste.
Your not supposed to lick the heroin
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Unity Love
Caldari Deep Core Mining Inc.
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Posted - 2008.10.21 16:43:00 -
[14]
Originally by: Micheal Dietrich
Your not supposed to lick the heroin
+1 internet for you good sir.
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Patch86
Di-Tron Heavy Industries Atlas Alliance
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Posted - 2008.10.21 17:18:00 -
[15]
Originally by: Unity Love
Originally by: Xen Gin
Also, Coca Cola my be American, but Fanta is **** Germany!
Sorry to burst your bubble but its been owned by Coca Cola for 40 odd years.
Correction- Fanta has ALWAYS been owned by Coca-Cola.
It was invented by Coca-Cola when wartime shipping problems prevented them from importing cola syrup into Germany. The clever chemists in their German arm invented a new drink that could be manufactured from ingredients available in Germany, and thus Fanta was born. After the war, the various products and branding that the company owned intermingled, with some "Coca-Cola" products becoming Fanta, and some Fanta products changing their name (Sprite was originally a Fanta product).
So it both is and isn't **** German and American at the same time. It was invented by German chemists in WW2, and marketed in Germany, but has always been owned by Coca-Cola, a company of American origin. ------
Originally by: Micheal Dietrich You can even get a midget with a camera to sit on the floorboard.
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Brisco County
Deep Core Mining Inc.
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Posted - 2008.10.21 17:25:00 -
[16]
wtf @ #9. We have some awesome beer, like Guiness, Newcastle and Bass Pale.
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Of Montreal
Gallente The Sunshine Club
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Posted - 2008.10.21 17:25:00 -
[17]
Originally by: Azuraito Stuff
Great now we're all gonna have bad teeth and shitty comedies.
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goodby4u
Valor Inc.
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Posted - 2008.10.21 17:30:00 -
[18]
Your free to come and try taking the country back.
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JordanParey
Minmatar Suddenly Ninjas
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Posted - 2008.10.21 17:34:00 -
[19]
Originally by: Brisco County wtf @ #9. We have some awesome beer, like Guiness, Newcastle and Bass Pale.
Guinness is Irish, not American.
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Brisco County
Deep Core Mining Inc.
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Posted - 2008.10.21 17:34:00 -
[20]
Edited by: Brisco County on 21/10/2008 17:36:17 Edited by: Brisco County on 21/10/2008 17:34:35 yeah, but you're going to have to chat with China first.
We're already someone's b!tch, see?
China is our Squirrelmaster to your Nasty Nate.
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Micheal Dietrich
Caldari Terradyne Networks
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Posted - 2008.10.21 17:35:00 -
[21]
Originally by: JordanParey
Originally by: Brisco County wtf @ #9. We have some awesome beer, like Guiness, Newcastle and Bass Pale.
Guinness is Irish, not American.
But we still have it.
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Brisco County
Deep Core Mining Inc.
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Posted - 2008.10.21 17:35:00 -
[22]
Originally by: JordanParey
Originally by: Brisco County wtf @ #9. We have some awesome beer, like Guiness, Newcastle and Bass Pale.
Guinness is Irish, not American.
I fail at conveying sarcasm over the interwebz.
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Qel Hoth
Infusion. G00DFELLAS
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Posted - 2008.10.21 17:46:00 -
[23]
To Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II,
Thank you for your letter, however we will continue our independence.
1. I am very sorry that you do not accept our dialect; however, it is our dialect, and we intend to keep it.
2. Again, thank you for your concern, I shall now remove "jolly good," "bloody," "blimey," and "old chap" from spellchecker.
3. If you try to take away my fireworks, I might shoot them at you.
4. Most of the time we do settle our disputes without violence. Sadly, it is sometimes necessary.
5. If you try to take my guns away, I might shoot you.
6. I actually have no problem with this.
7. No thank you. I might run you over if you try to change the prices.
8. Since we happen to live 4,800 kilometers away, I think it appropriate that we have different foods.
9. I completely agree on this account actually, though German beer is superior.
10. Celebrities are irrelevant.
11. I enjoy football quite a bit actually. You will not be permitted to remove it.
12. Again, I enjoy baseball, and you will not be permitted to remove it.
13. It's driving me mad too...
14. Refer to rule number 5. This is called robbery and I may shoot a robber in self defence.
15. Strawberries... I do not object to this change.
Should Her Majesty have any questions or concerns and wish to discuss them politely, She or a representative are welcomed to respond. Failing that, Her Majesty should inform the United States Army, Air Force, Navy, Marines, and Coast Guard that she wishes to conduct hostile actions against our sovereign nation.
A Happy US Citizen
----- The above does not represent the opinions of my corp or alliance. |
Micheal Dietrich
Caldari Terradyne Networks
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Posted - 2008.10.21 17:54:00 -
[24]
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Patch86
Di-Tron Heavy Industries Atlas Alliance
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Posted - 2008.10.21 18:02:00 -
[25]
Originally by: Micheal Dietrich
Originally by: JordanParey
Originally by: Brisco County wtf @ #9. We have some awesome beer, like Guiness, Newcastle and Bass Pale.
Guinness is Irish, not American.
But we still have it.
I'm sure you can get most things in America, if you look hard enough.
Newcastle Brown Ale (which I suspect is what he means by "Newcastle") and Bass Pale Ale are both English beers, by the by. ------
Originally by: Micheal Dietrich You can even get a midget with a camera to sit on the floorboard.
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Qel Hoth
Infusion. G00DFELLAS
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Posted - 2008.10.21 18:04:00 -
[26]
There's a Beck's brewery in Philadelphia. And Beck's is far, far, far, far, far better than any English beer. ----- The above does not represent the opinions of my corp or alliance. |
Micheal Dietrich
Caldari Terradyne Networks
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Posted - 2008.10.21 18:13:00 -
[27]
Originally by: Patch86
Originally by: Micheal Dietrich
Originally by: JordanParey
Originally by: Brisco County wtf @ #9. We have some awesome beer, like Guiness, Newcastle and Bass Pale.
Guinness is Irish, not American.
But we still have it.
I'm sure you can get most things in America, if you look hard enough.
Newcastle Brown Ale (which I suspect is what he means by "Newcastle") and Bass Pale Ale are both English beers, by the by.
Technically Anheuser-Busch is Italian and Coors is German. Samuel Adams is American however.
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Taedrin
Gallente Celestial Ascension Tenth Legion
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Posted - 2008.10.21 18:27:00 -
[28]
In all seriousness, why hasn't USA switched to metric yet!?!? It's not like anybody even knows the Imperial units. Seriously, walk up to somebody on the street in the US and ask them how many ounces in a cup, and they won't know. Ask them what a bushel is and they have no idea that you are talking about volume measurements. Ask them about rods, furlongs, spans, and whatnot, and they will give you the same puzzled look.
Please, they already teach us metric in school, and most of us who actually attending grade school understand metric better than the Imperial units!
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Qel Hoth
Infusion. G00DFELLAS
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Posted - 2008.10.21 18:37:00 -
[29]
I don't know why we havent... but we should.
Metric is easier than imperial in every single quantity, except one. When measuring energy, calories are easier than grams, as it takes 1 calorie to raise the tempurature of 1 ml of water my 1 degree C, while it takes 4.18ish joules to do the same.
I wish we used metric... multiplying/dividing by 10 is insanely easier than trying to remember how many ounces are in something else, then remembering half way through a recipe that there are 8 fl ounces in a cup, but 16 ounces in a pound... ----- The above does not represent the opinions of my corp or alliance. |
Patch86
Di-Tron Heavy Industries Atlas Alliance
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Posted - 2008.10.21 18:42:00 -
[30]
Originally by: Micheal Dietrich
Technically Anheuser-Busch is Italian and Coors is German. Samuel Adams is American however.
Not so much (we've started on beer, which means we're on my turf now baby ).
Anheuser-Busch was founded in America (by a German immigrant). St Louis, my Wiki companion tells me. Coors was founded in Colorado (by German immigrants again). Both are as American as anything can be.
Newcastle Brown Ale, however, was originally brewed by a brewery in Newcastle, England and is now owned by "Scottish & Newcastle" (itself having been bought and sold by several brewing giants over the years). Bass was a brewer in Staffordshire, England, although the company has since been bought and sold countless times. Pretty sure Marston's (another English brewer/pub chain) brews Bass beers these days, although I'm sure some international mega-corp or other owns the rights to the brand.
Guinness was and is a company who's headquarters and main breweries are in Dublin, Ireland. ------
Originally by: Micheal Dietrich You can even get a midget with a camera to sit on the floorboard.
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