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Thread Statistics | Show CCP posts - 7 post(s) |
JADE DRAG0NESS
Native Freshfood
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Posted - 2007.04.28 01:12:00 -
[1]
A pirate walks into the bar and the bartender sees he has a steering wheel attached to his pants. Bartender: Wahts that doing there? Pirate: ARRRRR its driving me nuts!!!!! So anyone else got any good jokes to share?
"Kill one man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill them all, and you are a god." -- Jean Rostand |
IDesert FoxI
Unknown-Heroes Freelancer Alliance
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Posted - 2007.04.28 01:16:00 -
[2]
Did you know, that if you took a persons large intestine, lied it down next to them end to end, and measured it, they would be dead
_________________________________________ EVE Tribune |
RedFall
Irreligion
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Posted - 2007.04.28 01:20:00 -
[3]
Pinnochio goes up to Gepetto and says "This sucks, ever time I have sex with my girlfriend I get splinters, what can I do?"
Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need."
A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?" Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls when you have sandpaper?"
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The Kris
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Posted - 2007.04.28 01:37:00 -
[4]
Ok ok heres one:
two cows are walking along and one of them says "mooo" and the other replies "wow wierd i was just about say the same thing"
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Weebear
The Bowrey
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Posted - 2007.04.28 11:11:00 -
[5]
3 cows in a field, which ones on holiday?
The one with the wee calf. |
Godlesswanderer
Gallente The Scope
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Posted - 2007.04.28 11:21:00 -
[6]
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. ---------------------------
Custom made EVE graphics |
Elliot Reid
Digital Fury Corporation Digital Renegades
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Posted - 2007.04.28 11:55:00 -
[7]
A white horse walks into a pub and asks the barman for a pint of bitter. "did you know there's a whiskey named after you?" said the barman. The horse replied "What, Colin?" __________________________________
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Elliot Reid
Digital Fury Corporation Digital Renegades
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Posted - 2007.04.28 11:58:00 -
[8]
Edited by: Elliot Reid on 28/04/2007 11:55:36 A man walked into a pub after a long day at work, ordered a pint of beer, and sat down by the bar to enjoy it. Before long he'd finished about half his drink and needed to go to the toilet, so off he went.
Whilst he was away a massive black woman standing in the corner walked up to the bar, picked up the drink, farted into his pint, replaced it, and walked away again.
When the man came back, he sat down to enjoy his pint again, but after he'd taken a mouthful he spat it out at once and yelled at the barman, "Oi, barman, this pint tastes disgusting! What's happened to it?"
"Well, you see that massive black woman over there? She farted into it."
"What?"
"She farted into it. I didn't want to say anything - she looks like she could easily knock seven shades of **** out of me - but that's what she did."
"Right," said the bloke, stressed after a long day, "if you won't say anything, I will." He got up, went to the massive black woman, and tapped her on her shoulder. She slowly turned around.
"Yes?"
"oi, you fart in my Whitbread?"
"No, Tessa Sanderson." __________________________________
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Reycks Armunicus
Gallente CoreTech Industries
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Posted - 2007.04.28 11:59:00 -
[9]
Whats six inches long, has got two nuts, and can make you very fat?
An Almond Joy
--------------- mods are strangely fixated on content... |
ArmedSolid
Generals Of Destruction Syndicate Terror In The System
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Posted - 2007.04.28 12:01:00 -
[10]
Mad Mary is speeding around the mental institution in her wheelchair ,she rounds a corner on two wheels to find Mad Mick standing there (licence and registration please mary ),after producing she nails the throttle and proceeds at break neck speed.
she rounds the next corner to find Mad Joe standing in her way (insurance and mot please Mary )bugger she replies ,hands them over and burns rubber ,
around the next corner is BIG JOHN naked and with a huge erection (oh noes not the breathalyser again ) |
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Godlesswanderer
Gallente The Scope
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Posted - 2007.04.28 12:09:00 -
[11]
Last year I celebrated Thanksgiving in the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. ---------------------------
Custom made EVE graphics |
Scottish Theo
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Posted - 2007.04.28 13:35:00 -
[12]
Hopefully this won't get me banned. If anyone finds this offensive, I appologise.
What is purple and stiff and makes women scream?
Cot Death
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lofty29
Athanasius Inc. SMASH Alliance
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Posted - 2007.04.28 15:34:00 -
[13]
Yeah, I'd edit that joke out if I were you ---
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Godlesswanderer
Gallente The Scope
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Posted - 2007.04.28 15:47:00 -
[14]
Hehe yeah, it's probably best to edit that out. Or I guess you could wait until a mod does it for you. ---------------------------
Custom made EVE graphics |
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lordharold
Forum Moderator Interstellar Services Department
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Posted - 2007.04.28 16:25:00 -
[15]
Whats round and nasty?
A Vicious Circle.
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VanNostrum
The Legion. Requiem-Aeternam
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Posted - 2007.04.28 18:21:00 -
[16]
Pollyanna gets raped then she goes "glad i saved my arse"
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IDesert FoxI
Unknown-Heroes Freelancer Alliance
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Posted - 2007.04.28 18:57:00 -
[17]
Not all women are annoying. Some are dead.
_________________________________________ EVE Tribune |
Mtthias Clemi
Gallente Infinitus Odium
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Posted - 2007.04.28 21:09:00 -
[18]
Originally by: IDesert FoxI Not all women are annoying. Some are dead.
-------------------------------------------- Stay away from my signature all of ya!!! IM WARNING YOU!!
PEW PEW PEW PEW!
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Mr Linderman
Selective Extinction
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Posted - 2007.04.28 23:07:00 -
[19]
Edited by: Mr Linderman on 28/04/2007 23:03:39 A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause were going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat ***** in the kitchen."
www.eve-services.com - The only place to Shop for services
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JADE DRAG0NESS
Native Freshfood
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Posted - 2007.04.28 23:22:00 -
[20]
Did you know that if every man woman and child in asia joined hands and formed a circle of people around the world halph of them would drown.
"Kill one man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill them all, and you are a god." -- Jean Rostand |
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Dralon
CyberDyne Industries Terror In The System
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Posted - 2007.04.29 00:00:00 -
[21]
Whats E.T. short for?
Because hes only got little legs.
Why was cinderella so bad at football?
Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.
They're the only jokes I can think of atm which aren't too obscene
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Corphus
ShaK Scientific
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Posted - 2007.04.29 00:11:00 -
[22]
Edited by: Corphus on 29/04/2007 00:08:17 Friday morning a blonde woman enters a bank and goes straigt to one of the bank's employees and asks "how can i get a credit of 5000 dollars cash ?" the bank employee answers "thats rather easy lady. before we can give u a credit of that sum u need to give us some kind of colleteral." the woman grabs in her bag and forwards the banker the key of her new mercedes. the banker, who is surprised prepares the documents for the credit offer and all is set. after the cash is paid the mercedes is driven into the underground garage of the bank. 2 weeks later the blonde woman appears at the bank again for paying back her credit. she pays the 5000 back with a borrowing rate of 15 dollars. meanwhile the banker checked the property stats of the blonde lady and finds out that the lady actually is a milionair. he asks " excuse me madam but i comenced some research and found out that u are a pretty wealthy person. why the heck did u had to ask us for a credit of 5000 dollars ?" the blonde than answers "well sir if u know another possibility to park ur car for two weeks in the middle of manhattan for the whole prize of 15 dollars than be so kind and tell me"
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Xelios
Minmatar Rampage Eternal Ka-Tet
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Posted - 2007.04.29 02:21:00 -
[23]
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken"
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Helen Baque
Gallente Legendary Dark Knights
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Posted - 2007.04.29 03:51:00 -
[24]
A Gallente, a Minmatar and a Caldari walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
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Ecnav
Gallente Kandor Fleet Systems
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Posted - 2007.04.29 04:16:00 -
[25]
Edited by: Ecnav on 29/04/2007 04:13:04 A man and a woman are a lovely, happy church going couple. Well, the woman is anyway. All the husband does is fall asleep in church! One day the woman got really mad and walked over to her preacher.
"Preacher!" she sais, "My husband will not stop falling asleep at your services, what will I do?" The Preacher thought for a long long time and came up with his idea! "Ok, every time he goes to sleep, I'll make a signal, like this, and you will poke him in the arm with this needle." "Righto!" the girl sais, and goes home very happy indeed.
On the next service, the woman and man walk in, and soon the man falls asleep. The preacher said, "Who is our savior!?" He then made the signal and the lady poked him. "Jesus!" The man yelled. He was awake for about 5 minutes, but his eyelids were heavy as stones, so he went back to sleep.
The Preacher saw this again and made the signal while saying, "Who created all life on Earth!?" The lady poked the man again and he yelped, "GOD!!" The man knew not to sleep this time, so he stayed awake.
The preacher got really into his next lecture.In a spasm of religousness, he asked, "What did Eve say to Adam on the day of their 99th Child?" and accidently made something that looked awfully similiar to the signal. The lady poked the man, and the man said "IF YOU STICK THAT ******* (freaking) THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, IM GONNA BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!!" __ _ __ _ __ _ __ _ __ _ __ _ __ _ __ _ __ _ __
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Hauler Mauler
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Posted - 2007.04.29 10:23:00 -
[26]
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS Office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and Never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars that he could come in here and **** all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
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Constantine Arcanum
IMPERIAL SENATE Pure.
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Posted - 2007.04.29 10:55:00 -
[27]
*snip* Not suitable for these forums.
-Lord Harold
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Morion Hakata
Caldari Hakata Group Xelas Alliance
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Posted - 2007.04.29 11:03:00 -
[28]
A german guy, a french guy, and a japanese guy gets stranded on a deserted island. The german guy says: "I'll organize this. French guy, you start building a camp. Japanese guy, you run into the forest for supplies."
Two days later the camp is all done, but the japanese guy hasn't been seen since he ran off, so the others decide to go looking for him. They walk around in the forest for a while and all of a sudden, from behind a tree, the japanese guy jumps out and yells: "SUPLISE!!!"
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innot
Minmatar Federation Navy Task Force
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Posted - 2007.04.29 11:09:00 -
[29]
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick
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Godlesswanderer
Gallente The Scope
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Posted - 2007.04.29 11:24:00 -
[30]
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off û go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." ---------------------------
Custom made EVE graphics |
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