Pages: 1 [2] 3 :: one page |
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Thread Statistics | Show CCP posts - 7 post(s) |
VanNostrum
Perkone
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Posted - 2007.04.29 13:16:00 -
[31]
Originally by: VanNostrum
*snip* Not suitable for these forums.
-Lord Harold
"huge erection (oh noes not the breathalyser again )" <-- this is suitable but my joke wasn't? forum fascism at it's worst
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Mystic Boing
ID-10-T INC.
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Posted - 2007.04.29 14:08:00 -
[32]
An Australian, a South African and a Kiwi (new zealander) are sitting in a bar drinking together.The Kiwi jumps up throws his glass in the air and shoots it to pieces with his guns. In New Zealand we have so many glasses that we never have to drink with the same ones twice.
Then the South African jumps up, throws his glass in the air and shoots it to pieces. In South Africa he says, we've got so much sand to make glasses we never have to drink with the same ones twice.
Then the Australian jumps up throws his glass in the air and shoots the South African and the Kiwi dead and says in Australia we have so many bloody Kiwis and South Africans we never have to drink with the same ones twice. ---------------------- Chuck Norris is currently involved in a lawsuit with NBC, claiming Law & Order are trademark names for his left and right legs. |
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lordharold
Forum Moderator Interstellar Services Department
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Posted - 2007.04.29 14:47:00 -
[33]
Please remember this is a teen-rated forum, and your posts / jokes need to be kept clean.
Also -
Where do pirates go shopping?
To the Yaaardware store.
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Kharakan
Amarr Viziam
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Posted - 2007.04.29 14:48:00 -
[34]
Why are pirates pirates?
Because they ARRRRRRRRR.
>_>
this signature space is claimed in the name of eris, haha I got to him first. neeneer
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Godlesswanderer
Gallente The Scope
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Posted - 2007.04.29 15:04:00 -
[35]
Edited by: Godlesswanderer on 29/04/2007 15:00:29
Originally by: Mystic Boing An Australian, a South African and a Kiwi (new zealander) are sitting in a bar drinking together.The Kiwi jumps up throws his glass in the air and shoots it to pieces with his guns. In New Zealand we have so many glasses that we never have to drink with the same ones twice.
Then the South African jumps up, throws his glass in the air and shoots it to pieces. In South Africa he says, we've got so much sand to make glasses we never have to drink with the same ones twice.
Then the Australian jumps up throws his glass in the air and shoots the South African and the Kiwi dead and says in Australia we have so many bloody Kiwis and South Africans we never have to drink with the same ones twice.
That reminds me of a joke I probably shouldn't tell, it being slightly racist and all. ---------------------------
Custom made EVE graphics |
hired goon
Infinite Improbability Inc Dusk and Dawn
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Posted - 2007.04.29 16:13:00 -
[36]
Originally by: Kharakan Why are pirates pirates?
Because they ARRRRRRRRR.
>_>
Oh god I lol'd. :(
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a whole worm wriggling around?
...the holocaust.
-omg-
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Nhoj Sllew
Amarr Interstellar eXodus R0ADKILL
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Posted - 2007.04.30 05:25:00 -
[37]
Originally by: hired goon
Originally by: Kharakan Why are pirates pirates?
Because they ARRRRRRRRR.
>_>
Oh god I lol'd. :(
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a whole worm wriggling around?
...the holocaust.
LOL
oldie but i stil laugh at it : Two guys walk into a bar.
The third one ducked.
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IDesert FoxI
Unknown-Heroes Freelancer Alliance
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Posted - 2007.04.30 11:44:00 -
[38]
I first realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
_________________________________________ EVE Tribune |
Godlesswanderer
Gallente The Scope
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Posted - 2007.04.30 12:39:00 -
[39]
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really ****ed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday. ---------------------------
Custom made EVE graphics |
Strangely Brown
Cult of the Purple Wolf
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Posted - 2007.04.30 13:09:00 -
[40]
What's got 2 legs and bleeds alot?
Half a dog.
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Reto
The Last Resort
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Posted - 2007.04.30 22:57:00 -
[41]
a kid and his brother are sitting before the christmas tree. one of em has a huge pile of presents and the other kid has only one. the kid who got the most presents laughs "hahahaha guess who of us mommy and daddy loves more?" the other kid starts also laughing "hehehehe guess who of us both has cancer"
Originally by: s4mp3r0r "Hey man, you're mom has a cruise missile".
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Mtthias Clemi
Gallente Infinitus Odium
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Posted - 2007.04.30 23:14:00 -
[42]
Originally by: Reto a kid and his brother are sitting before the christmas tree. one of em has a huge pile of presents and the other kid has only one. the kid who got the most presents laughs "hahahaha guess who of us mommy and daddy loves more?" the other kid starts also laughing "hehehehe guess who of us both has cancer"
thats not funny at all.... -------------------------------------------- Stay away from my signature all of ya!!! IM WARNING YOU!!
PEW PEW PEW PEW!
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flaming phantom
Minmatar Tyrell Corp INTERDICTION
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Posted - 2007.05.01 03:37:00 -
[43]
ok heres a few ive heard
a man walks into a bar and says ouch -------------- i never really got into drugs, drugs got intro me -------------- me: please dont joke about the holocasut, my grandpa died in it friend: really? me: yea, he fell out of a guard tower
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Griffinator
Gallente Contraband Inc. Mercenary Coalition
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Posted - 2007.05.01 13:41:00 -
[44]
a man walks into a bar with a alligator on a lead, the barman says "you cant that bring that thing in here its not safe", the man says "sure it is i'll show you",
so the man opens the gators mouth puts his piece in there and hits it over the head with a ashtray, the gator stops 2 mm away from cutting it off, "see" the man exclaims "thats how safe it is any one else want a go?"
a woman pipes up from the back of the room "sure just dont hit me over the head so hard with the ashtray!!!!!"
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starbuck1979
Eve University Ivy League
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Posted - 2007.05.01 14:04:00 -
[45]
Why does tigger smell?
Cuz he has been playing with pooh
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Whats green and smells of pork
Kermit the frogs **** --------------------------------------
Whats pink & hard
Pig with a flick knife
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Humpty Dumpty was sat on his bed little bo peep was giving him head soon as he came she started to weep cuz she knew by the taste he'd be f*****g her sheep
-------------------------------------- Whats pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff
-------------------------------------- David Beckham was asked to be the head speaker at Allan Balls memorial service.
Victoria Backham was asked about this by a gossip magazine
"Oh yeah david would be good at that as he is a dead ball specialist"
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Mods ive tried editing to keep it as clean as i can, but i dont know any clean 1's really....
http://ineve.net/skills/character.php?charID=ODIwNzgzNTAw Forgot who did my Sig but i need it re sorting please. |
Strangely Brown
Cult of the Purple Wolf
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Posted - 2007.05.01 14:52:00 -
[46]
What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic.
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Corphus
ShaK Scientific
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Posted - 2007.05.09 15:31:00 -
[47]
a man walks into a saloon. hes armed with 2 large knifes, wears a throwing knife belt and has a massive sword strapped on his back. he walk over to the bartender and says: i am razorbill, gimme a tequilla !
another man enters the sallon. hes armed with 2 revolvers. wears a ammunition belt and has a massive winchester rifle strapped on his back. he walks over to the bartender and says: i am bulletbill, gimme a whiskey !
another man enters the saloon. hes armed with his 4 massive hands, has a tentacle as a belt and has 4 eyes, two mouths, and a huge scorpion-like spike on his back. he walks over to the bartender and says: im tchernobyl, what the frack are u lookin at ?!
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Indra Sebuchiore
Sebiestor tribe
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Posted - 2007.05.09 16:41:00 -
[48]
(this one's better when read out loud. Assuming you're not at work.)
Paddy the Irishman goes into a blacksmith's to ask for a job.
The blacksmith says, "Fair enough, have you ever shoed a horse?"
Paddy says, "No, but I once told a donkey to f**k off!" __________________________________________ "In girum imus nocte, et consumimur igni."
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Dray
Caldari Endgame.
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Posted - 2007.05.09 20:06:00 -
[49]
Edited by: Dray on 09/05/2007 20:03:13
Remarkable lack of blonde jokes so here goes...
Three blonde girls are out for a walk when they come across some tracks..
The first blonde has a long look and says "I think there badger tracks..."
The second blonde says "I think your wrong, if you look closely you'll see there fox tracks.."
The third blonde sakes her head and says "Your both wrong there deer tracks.."
They were still arguing about it when a train hit them.
My personal favourite is..
A girl walks to a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.
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Last Cause
Green Gecko Inc. Free Trade Zone.
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Posted - 2007.05.09 20:49:00 -
[50]
1. This has got to be the MOST moderated thread ever, you guys are terrible.
2. My joke:
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Hey, you got any grapes?" and the bartender tells him, "No, we don't have grapes here" So, the duck leaves. Next day, the duck comes back in, "Got any grapes buddy?" He looks down at the duck, "Dammit! I said we don't have grapes here! You ask me for grapes one more time and i'll nail your ****ing bill to the bar!" The duck leaves again. Next day, the ducks back again and looks up at the tender, "Hey you got any nails?" The bartender scowls and answers, "No." The duck smiles and says, "Hey, buddy, got any grapes?"
-Sig- Green Gecko Inc. A corp, A family. Hiring ALL types of players! 0.0 based!
Recruitment Poster |
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Sqalevon
Masuat'aa Matari
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Posted - 2007.05.09 21:27:00 -
[51]
Originally by: Kharakan Why are pirates pirates?
Because they ARRRRRRRRR.
>_>
A Pirate once featured in a movie,
It was rated ARRRRRRRRR.
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Godlesswanderer
Gallente The Scope
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Posted - 2007.05.10 13:50:00 -
[52]
A man was sitting on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him noticed and asked what the matter was.
He said that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable *******, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh.
The man next to him laughed and said, ''Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, "You ruined my life."
----------------------------
Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy?
No, neither did I. ---------------------------
Custom made EVE graphics |
KingsGambit
Caldari Knights
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Posted - 2007.05.10 17:47:00 -
[53]
A Man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a leash.Behind were 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line." -------------
My T2 Shop |
Strangely Brown
Cult of the Purple Wolf
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Posted - 2007.05.11 11:28:00 -
[54]
A man goes for a job at a stable, the owner asks him:
"Are you any good at shoeing horses?"
The man replies:
"Dunno....but I once told a donkey to f**k off!"
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Brolly
Caldari Morphic field
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Posted - 2007.05.11 12:51:00 -
[55]
One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.
The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, ôWhy do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped.ö The boy replied, ôI will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.ö
*****
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he **********d into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using *******. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
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ReaperOfSly
Gallente Lyrus Associates Betrayal Under Mayhem
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Posted - 2007.05.11 18:02:00 -
[56]
She stood on the bridge at midnight, Her lips were all a-quiver, She gave a cough, Her leg fell off, And floated down the river. --------------------------------------------------------------------
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Vegetto Ichikai
Caldari Point-Zero SMASH Alliance
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Posted - 2007.05.11 21:39:00 -
[57]
Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Steven Hawkins after a house fire..
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ThaMa Gebir
Gallente Raddick Explorations Executive Outcomes
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Posted - 2007.05.13 11:18:00 -
[58]
Mary had a little lamb, It had a touch of colic, She gave it brandy twice a day, And now it's alcoholic. -----
Mary had a little lamb, she tied it to a pylon, 10.000 volts shot up its butt, and turned its wool to nylon. -----
Whats green and goes red at the flick of a switch?
A frog in a liquidizer. -----
Mary had a little lamb, It leapt around in hops, It gambolled in the road one day, And ended up as chops. -----
Mary had a little lamb, She bought it as a trinket, She put it in a liquidizer, So everyone could drink it. ----------------------------
Confirmed heaviest member of RDEX........
Hah, no more hijacks here. |
schneirder
Tropical Killer Bananas Interstellar Starbase Syndicate
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Posted - 2007.05.13 14:55:00 -
[59]
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg , Manitoba , Canada
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr. wouldn't submit his name \"\(-_-)/"/\"\(-_-)/"/\"\(-_-)/"/\"\(-_-)/"/\"\(-_-)/"/\"\(-_-)/"/
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flaming phantom
Minmatar Tyrell Corp INTERDICTION
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Posted - 2007.05.13 21:05:00 -
[60]
Originally by: schneirder 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .
i once did somehting like that, didnt pull off her underwear but i was going to my car in the parking lot and i got in the wrong car, and started the car (evidently they leave thier keys in the ignition as same as i do) and then a couple kids in the back started screaming. what happened is they had a car exactly like mine, 1 spot closer to the door so i thougnt it was mine. oops.
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