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Rosalund Shaw
Caldari School of Applied Knowledge
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Posted - 2010.08.31 02:47:00 -
[1]
Edited by: Rosalund Shaw on 31/08/2010 02:54:19
An Act of Political Satire. (No offense intended)
Alarums and sirens rang in the depth of the station, flashing lights and hazard tell-tails, the capsule-pilot elite of the Galactic Rangers were being called to battle. ôENEMIES DETECTED IN SYSTEM ALL PILOTS TO YOUR SHIPS, ALL PILOTS TO YOUR SHIPS!ö The computer announcement was shrill and instant but private Merde-Enough had more important things to occupy his time than Starship combat, far more important things.
ôWhat they cannot understand is the vital work I do in seeking superfluous cross-drawn logic glitch and minor pettifoggery on the front lines of GALNET info-warzone. How dare they call me to space to leave this struggle with enemies who can only fight and cannot match me in the field of tedium and obsessive stalking, HAH! I know weakness when I see it and though AMARR VICTOR is no more in space they will hear it on the forums as long as I can post until they the worlds come from nightmares always!ö
The speaker was a grotesquely fat Amarrian untidily ladled into his flightsuit with unhealthily blemished features, cheek and jowls draping over weak bones and slobbering lips transforming a sucking diction into an unpleasant slur reminiscent of nothing more than a vaguely humanoid slug. Posthumanity had its benefits for the Amarrians though, as sealed in a webwork of catheters and body tubes and geno-scrubbers labouring against the omnipresent chife; he lived as a lardy techo-spider at the centre of holo-displays focused on the many names of his stalking attention.
ôNEFERIS will drown in her own blood when I troll her threads! HAHA! I reveal that she said something three years ago, then something else the week after that, then something again in the days following, then recently she posted something else and somebody said something about somebody else doing something that shouldnÆt be spoken of unless that somebody had SOMETHING TO HIDE! SEE SEE UNIVERSE, WHO NEEDS TO BE AMBULATORY TO DEFEAT FOES!ö
Air scrubbers straining to clear the atmosphere from the spittle and clouds of noxious breath at this wierd ululation, the chamber rang once again with alert sounds as the battle commander placed a priority call to the capsuleerÆs chamber and crimson tell-tails focused on the distended features of the humanoid blob in his reinforced enviro-chair.
ôPILOT MERDE we need ALL HANDS to alert. ENEMY is laying SIEGE to our TOWER in border system alpha-romeo-hotel. Battle commander xxxTrussxxx needs you in SPACE stat soldier, move your forum-fiddling backside!ö
Cheeks filling with bloat-gas and outrage the super-sized Amarrian turned his pig-eyes on the com unit and wheezed his excuses with urgency like battle itself....
ôBUT SIR I have them on the RUN. The Anarchists will self destruct all their SHIPS AND TITANS if I keep pressing the Cosmonaut and Constantinople on the issue of the NRDS PRINCIPLES AND ORGANIZATIONAL HIERARCHY that ISNT A HIERARCHY but is a HIERARCHY but might not be a HIERARCHY but has ASPECTS of HIERARCHY in the eye of the BEHOLDER if combined with fuzzy logic interpretation interrogatives adulterated with less than 50% pure lies and GALLENTE NATIONALISM quisling juice dashed with RACE TRAITOR venom!!!ö
Anger from the distant speaker then:
ôListen you fat joker. I didnÆt understand a word you said but SILAGE MANURE-IA told me you used to be a bit handy with Interceptor class ships before you got obsessed with "winning" wars on galnet and took to eating more than planetary penal colony while slapping out endless diatribes with your chubby-fingers!ö
MERDE-ENOUGH began to move a little like continental drift with the undulating folds of his grotesque body punctuating each flatting protrusion as his ham-shank pudding-clenching fists hammering on his keyboard in desperation to the counterpoint of his CEOÆs chiding.
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Rosalund Shaw
Caldari School of Applied Knowledge
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Posted - 2010.08.31 02:49:00 -
[2]
Edited by: Rosalund Shaw on 31/08/2010 02:57:35
ôJust a BIT LONGER. I HAVE TO SEARCH back through 1000 pages of IGS text to demonstrate that AGENT ARTECHOKE told somebody that told somebody that something wasnÆt right with something that somebody else mentioned to somebody different that somebodyÆs brotherÆs dupe knew was stored in some conversational clause that EVERYONE HAS FORGOTTEN but ME! OH yes they FEAR me, those space pilots and star warriors buzzing round their belts and gates and shooting PATHETIC lasers and missiles at each other. GUNS DONÆT KILL PEOPLE, TRAPPING PEOPLE INTO RHETORICAL DEAD ENDS AND WASTING THEIR TIME KILLS PEOPLE! KILLS THEM FOR THE EMPIRE! IF ONLY I CAN DEMONSTRATE THAT ANTEATERS CANNOT FORM GANGS WE CANÆT LOSE!ö
A sound as the storm-doors parted and the colossal Amarrian was revealed to external search lights belonging to a team of GALACTIC RANGER marines sent to assess the situation in FORUM CHAT ROOM GAMMA. A half dozen armoured soldiers with dangerous-looking rifles looked in horror at the sentient half-slug drooling in rapture over the comms array and galnet terminal while outside the war was raging in a dozen desperate skirmishes in space.
ôLast chance MERDE, my team tell me there isnÆt much hope getting your gargantuan backside into a Crusader class ship (or even a Maller) but we need somebody to run 800 cap charges to the front and my techs tell me if we vent corridors 12-15 and use the cargo ramps we have an evens chance of rolling you the garbage Bestower prepping engines in sublevel five. WhatÆs it to be?ö
ôNOOOO, NOOOO, your donÆt understand! I am doing the holy work of the ARCHPILCHARD here; I am keeping the sacred trust of ROD BILKO and defending the ôdonÆt ever fightö principles of the PIE eating Prelates of Sarum PRIME! I AM SO CLOSE. STATIC TRACTION is going to self destruct and they will acknowledge ME THEIR KING. SANITRY RABBIT will change their ways and eat LARD KEBABS not blood and all those PIRATES AND MINI-MEN of the DONKEY KONG will take back the hallowed ARALIS as their GOD. ALL I NEED IS TO KEEP POSTING. I AM SO CLOSE SO CLOSE. I can see it now, that ANTIQUE CARPET movement is connected to the SLACK GRABBITS who bought MILF-TICKETS from FANCY TANNED DX4 DANCE-FABULOUS alliance. YOU SEE? YOU SEE IT NOW? All I have to do is show that Sock Damphair is connected to Wally Tops via the bounce Titan railroad stolen from PIDDLYHAWK-DISS and keep pushing somebody on something about that something other than the topic and weÆll WIN, WeÆll WIN WeÆll WINNNNN!ö
At this point the fat-manÆs wheezing voice coughed and spluttered to a gurgle as the disgusted marines wiped down their masks and checked comm. Feeds from the central command crackled coldly.
ôShoot the useless sack of meat.ö ôNot sure we can penetrate the epidermal bloating SIRö ôGrenades?ö ôI wouldnÆt want to be on THAT clean up detailö ôPoint, okay, roll him out the airlock, if we get really lucky an enemy ship might actually hit HIM.ö
-finis (for now)
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Dock Watcher
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Posted - 2010.08.31 03:05:00 -
[3]
absolutely disgraceful and should be allowed on the summit.
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Rosalund Shaw
Caldari School of Applied Knowledge
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Posted - 2010.08.31 03:07:00 -
[4]
Originally by: Dock Watcher
absolutely disgraceful and should be allowed on the summit.
I guess thats some kind of a compliment then?
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Jakiin
Amarr Khanid Provincial Vanguard
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Posted - 2010.08.31 03:16:00 -
[5]
Originally by: Rosalund Shaw No offense is intended. *Picture of a morbidly obese Merdaneth stand-in.*
We can tell you did this without the intention to insult at all.
Unless calling someone fat is an insult. In which case you've been insulting before the first sentence.
You know, Lord Merdaneth's 'Wheat Fraction' threads might not be diplomatic or fair, but at least he has the dignity to keep his level of offence above school-yard name calling. * Jakiin Torash Holder Heir of the Kingdom Chief Diplomatic Officer
Uncle Jak wants YOU to join the Khanid Provincial Vanguard! |
Rosalund Shaw
Caldari School of Applied Knowledge
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Posted - 2010.08.31 03:22:00 -
[6]
Originally by: Jakiin You know, Lord Merdaneth's 'Wheat Fraction' threads might not be diplomatic or fair, but at least he has the dignity to keep his level of offence above school-yard name calling.
I think its a similar level of bathos actually. Portraying an enemy covered in chicken-poo is not really the height of intelligent debate either.
I think this in turn is quite a realistic impression of how a Galnet forum warrior operates from my observations.
But by all means suggest another forum warrior I can send-up in this style if you believe Merdaneth's ego will be hurt.
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Graelyn
Amarr Deus Imperiosus Acies
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Posted - 2010.08.31 03:24:00 -
[7]
Wow, that's a lot of text.
Merdaneth, I think you really got to somebody. They call that the mark of a successful satire.
Amarr Empire Confido - Command Staff You can't slit the throat of everyone whose character it would improve. |
Dock Watcher
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Posted - 2010.08.31 03:30:00 -
[8]
Originally by: Rosalund Shaw
Originally by: Dock Watcher
absolutely disgraceful and should be allowed on the summit.
I guess thats some kind of a compliment then?
Dont misquote me liar.
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Graelyn
Amarr Deus Imperiosus Acies
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Posted - 2010.08.31 03:39:00 -
[9]
Originally by: Rosalund Shaw
I think this in turn is quite a realistic impression of how a Galnet forum warrior operates from my observations.
Is it self-observation? You've been a shill for Star Fraction for almost two years.
Here is your entire posting record, for all to see. You have never uttered something that wasn't in the defense of your masters. Not once in all that time.
So, now that we see your feelings about 'forum warriors', we can see how you feel about yourself. I can only assume by this self-portrait-ing that you have some sort of thyroid problem?
I can recommend a personal trainer, if you like. It should be affordable even on your shill salary.
Amarr Empire Confido - Command Staff You can't slit the throat of everyone whose character it would improve. |
Revan Neferis
Amarr The Archaeus of Blood
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Posted - 2010.08.31 03:45:00 -
[10]
I see that you're already receiving lots of amarr nationalist tears, pouring now... Maybe you will beat my record.
Needless to say I dont like the style, galnet could be so much better without such things. But in all honesty perhaps you made them taste their own poison now, can't blame you for that. Perhaps something better will come out of this all.
Merde-Enough ... indeed.
Revan Neferis Thrice-Illustrious Sovereign Sani Sabik
Originally by: Jade Constantine Why-o-why are our enemies so universally poor?
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Rosalund Shaw
Caldari School of Applied Knowledge
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Posted - 2010.08.31 03:45:00 -
[11]
Originally by: Graelyn
Originally by: Rosalund Shaw
I think this in turn is quite a realistic impression of how a Galnet forum warrior operates from my observations.
Is it self-observation? You've been a shill for Star Fraction for almost two years.
Here is your entire posting record, for all to see. You have never uttered something that wasn't in the defense of your masters. Not once in all that time.
So, now that we see your feelings about 'forum warriors', we can see how you feel about yourself. I can only assume by this self-portrait-ing that you have some sort of thyroid problem?
I can recommend a personal trainer, if you like. It should be affordable even on your shill salary.
I seem to have struck quite a note with my satire, since you are very defensive there Graelyn. Should you be the next "forum warrior" I send up in this fashion I wonder? Seems that making a mockery of those that don't undock apart from on the forums might be a weapon against you after all
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Graelyn
Amarr Deus Imperiosus Acies
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Posted - 2010.08.31 03:51:00 -
[12]
You're not convincing me, and you're not convincing anyone else who can follow my link. Anyone can smell this level of desperation.
Who are you putting all of this energy into convincing?
Amarr Empire Confido - Command Staff You can't slit the throat of everyone whose character it would improve. |
Rosalund Shaw
Caldari School of Applied Knowledge
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Posted - 2010.08.31 03:52:00 -
[13]
Originally by: Revan Neferis
Needless to say I dont like the style, galnet could be so much better without such things.
But then as a priestess of the SANITRY RABBIT you would say that wouldn't you
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Revan Neferis
Amarr The Archaeus of Blood
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Posted - 2010.08.31 03:54:00 -
[14]
Originally by: Rosalund Shaw
Originally by: Revan Neferis
Needless to say I dont like the style, galnet could be so much better without such things.
But then as a priestess of the SANITRY RABBIT you would say that wouldn't you
Guilty as charged lady
Revan Neferis Thrice-Illustrious Sovereign SANITRY RABBIT
Originally by: Jade Constantine Why-o-why are our enemies so universally poor?
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Archbishop
Amarr PIE Inc.
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Posted - 2010.08.31 05:34:00 -
[15]
I must say I find the level of desperation displayed in this "political satire attempt" quite amusing and I will admit laughing quite a bit at the obvious frustration Rosalund clearly is feeling. A different kind of laughter from that earned by Merdaneth for his spot-on satirical Wheat Fraction trilogy... but laughter nonetheless.
Archbishop
PIE WEBSITE ARCHBISHOP PORTAL |
Sabbott
Amarr Blood Inquisition
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Posted - 2010.08.31 05:45:00 -
[16]
It is late, But I had one thing on my mind... one thing that bothers me is those who are cowards and hide behind secretarys and IGS communications without thinking to encrypt thier communication links. let me ask what all these have in common, view the trace domain of packets?
IGS segment thread 1 IGS segment thread 2 IGS segment thread 3
That said i did not find this satire very amusing..
-High Inquisitor Sabbott
[BL-IN] Forums /// Book of Virtues |
Mizhara Del'thul
Minmatar Disciples of Night
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Posted - 2010.08.31 05:56:00 -
[17]
Originally by: Sabbott It is late, But I had one thing on my mind... one thing that bothers me is those who are cowards and hide behind secretarys and IGS communications without thinking to encrypt thier communication links. let me ask what all these have in common, view the trace domain of packets?
IGS segment thread 1 IGS segment thread 2 IGS segment thread 3
That said i did not find this satire very amusing..
-High Inquisitor Sabbott
You owe me a new viewer, new interface and at least three busted ribs from laughing so hard. And a bourbon.
Finest humor in this particular topic.
Backstage @ Inspiracy. The new Eve RP Forums, now with 10% more fun! |
Graelyn
Amarr Deus Imperiosus Acies
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Posted - 2010.08.31 05:58:00 -
[18]
Hard to argue with that.
Amarr Empire Confido - Command Staff You can't slit the throat of everyone whose character it would improve. |
Rodj Blake
Amarr PIE Inc.
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Posted - 2010.08.31 08:57:00 -
[19]
Rosalund, I must confess that you made me laugh.
But I'm laughing at you, not with you.
Dulce et decorum est pro imperium mori.
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Andreus Ixiris
Gallente Mixed Metaphor
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Posted - 2010.08.31 11:42:00 -
[20]
You're trying too hard, Jade. ----- Andreus Ixiris CEO, Mixed Metaphor
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Revan Neferis
Amarr The Archaeus of Blood
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Posted - 2010.08.31 11:44:00 -
[21]
Edited by: Revan Neferis on 31/08/2010 11:44:46 I'm, almost jealous now, you're managing to collect tears from all worthless IGS stalkers in one single thread. Thinking well, I should rephrase my above opinion and say "bring it more" instead. You seem to have done the right thing.
Revan Neferis Thrice-Illustrious Sovereign Sani Sabik
Originally by: Jade Constantine Why-o-why are our enemies so universally poor?
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Artemis97
Caldari Resistance Project
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Posted - 2010.08.31 12:22:00 -
[22]
The first time I tried to read this, it was tl;dr.
Then you sent me a mail with a link asking me to read it, so I tried again. Again it was tl;dr.
Then I got bored and decided to try one more time. Again... tl;dr.
Honestly, it doesn't even make sense really. Too many capital letters and not enough actual story.
Go read Wheat Fraction thingy.
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Rosalund Shaw
Caldari School of Applied Knowledge
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Posted - 2010.08.31 12:56:00 -
[23]
Good to see my work is still attracting plenty of comment from the Amarrian community. Quite a few wounded egos though. I wonder if the satire was a bit too cutting?
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Zverofaust
Gallente Locus Industries
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Posted - 2010.08.31 13:19:00 -
[24]
Reporting OP for offensive content. ___________________________________________ The Hero of Kamela The Terror of Tararan The Executioner of Ezzara |
Dock Watcher
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Posted - 2010.08.31 13:22:00 -
[25]
Originally by: Zverofaust Reporting OP for offensive content.
Agree! This is offensive and its not right to laugh at Lord Merdaneth's weight. Petition.
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Syn Callibri
Blacklight Incorporated
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Posted - 2010.08.31 13:23:00 -
[26]
Edited by: Syn Callibri on 31/08/2010 13:24:10
<Syn reads the satire and chokes on her drink while laughing>
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...(cough-cough)...HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...(cough-cough)...<chuckles>..."
<wipes red tears from her eyes>
...that was beautiful.
<applauds>
Syn Callibri Ilharess of the Scorpion Clan Naut-elghinyrr of Vulkor
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Tempus Iskander
Gallente Les Enfants de Gaia
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Posted - 2010.08.31 13:39:00 -
[27]
Well we've found in the Gallente Federation that calling for the censorship of public speaking even in the field of cutting political mockery doesn't really lead to good places. Quite telling that the Amarr forum group are very uptight about taking the "satire" the like to hand out
___________________________ Without fear and without reproach |
Rosalund Shaw
Caldari School of Applied Knowledge
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Posted - 2010.08.31 13:41:00 -
[28]
Originally by: Zverofaust Reporting OP for offensive content.
What part of it do you consider offensive from the Amarrian loyalist perspective if I may ask?
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Jade Constantine
Gallente Jericho Fraction The Star Fraction
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Posted - 2010.08.31 13:45:00 -
[29]
I would just to say clearly that not only can Ant-eaters form gangs, but also the Antique Carpet Fraction will never be defeated by unintentional loyalist self-mockery.
Join the Revolution!
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Sabbott
Amarr Blood Inquisition
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Posted - 2010.08.31 13:50:00 -
[30]
Edited by: Sabbott on 31/08/2010 13:57:40
Why censor such a failure ?
I found it amusing to see free captain idealists stoop to new lows, it makes them no better than those they so fight against, And It makes them bigots. that they would set aside their ideals and words & thats what i find amusing...
edit: But no i did not find the piece of fiction amusing
[BL-IN] Forums /// Book of Virtues |
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