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Doreen Kaundur
152
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Posted - 2014.05.18 23:12:00 -
[1] - Quote
How to Forgive
One of the thorniest and most difficult things we humans are ever called upon to do is to respond to evil with kindness, and to forgive the unforgivable. We love to read stories about people who have responded to hatred with love, but when that very thing is demanded of us personally, our default seems to be anger, angst (dread or anguish), depression, self-righteousness, hatred, etc. Yet study after study shows that one of the keys to longevity and good health is to develop a habit of gratitude and let go of past hurts.
Want to live a long, happy life? Forgive the unforgivable. It really is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Your enemy may not deserve to be forgiven for all the pain and sadness and suffering purposefully inflicted on your life, but you deserve to be free of this evil. As Ann Landers often said, "hate is like an acid. It damages the vessel in which it is stored, and destroys the vessel on which it is poured."
Steps
1. Realize that the hate you feel toward your adversary does not harm him or her in the way that you want. "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy."
2. Understand that the best revenge against your enemies is to live a successful and happy life. Want to get even with someone who tried to destroy you? Show them and show yourself (and the world) that the obstacles they tried to create were not significant enough to disable you and/or destroy you.
3. Realize that the second best revenge is to turn the evil into something good, to find the proverbial silver lining in the dark cloud. Think of your enemy as someone who has helped you to grow. Even though unfortunate things happen to us, the best thing we can do is take those opportunities as tests that will either destroy or strengthen us. If you've been through something, it didn't destroy you - take what you learned and become a better person because of it.
4. Make a list of the good things that emerged as a result of this awful experience. You've probably focused long enough on the negative parts of this experience. Look at the problem from a completely new angle; look at the positive side. The first item on that list may be long overdue because you have focused on the negative for so long. See if you can identify 10 positive outcomes of this experience.
5. Look for the helpers. Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers) related that, as a little boy, he'd often become upset about major catastrophes in the news. His mother would tell him, "look for the helpers." In your own nightmarish experience, think back to the people who helped you. Think about their kindness and selflessness Practice what you have learned from them.
Was someone your "Good Samaritan"? In this biblical story, a traveler helps a poor soul who was beaten up on the road to Jericho and left for dead. Perhaps this isn't all about you. Perhaps your trial provided an opportunity for others to rise to an occasion to provide you with help and support.
6. Be compassionate with yourself. If you've ruminated over this problem for a long time, steering this boat into a new direction could take some time, too. As you try to make a new path out of the dark woods of this old hurt, you'll make mistakes. Forgive yourself. Be patient and kind to yourself. Extreme emotional pain has a profound effect on the body. Give yourself time to heal - physically and emotionally. Eat well. Rest. Focus on the natural beauty in the world. Give yourself permission to feel the emotions and process them. Don't bottle up the pain.
7. Learn that the Aramaic word for "forgive" means literally to "untie." The fastest way to free yourself from an enemy and all associated negativity is to forgive. Untie the bindings and loosen yourself from that person's ugliness. Your hatred has tied you to the person responsible for your pain. Your forgiveness enables you to start walking away from him or her and the pain. Forgiveness is for you and not the other party. Freeing yourself through forgiveness is like freeing yourself from chains of bondage or from prison.
8. Learn how to balance trust with wisdom. It's a fact that not all of our fellow humans are trustworthy. Painful memories can serve to protect us from future hurts. As author Rose Sweet writes, "A lack of trust is sometimes simply recognizing another's limitations".
*Forgiveness is not acceptance of wrong behavior. If you must continue to interact with someone who has wronged you, who has offered a lame apology only to follow it up with more bad behavior, nothing requires you to trust such a person. This person isn't likely to ever be trustworthy -- you must keep a distance. While it's fruitless to torment yourself over this person's actions, you should not be his or her willing victim. Acknowledge; move on.
*An offender who wants reconciliation must do his or her part: offer a sincere apology, promise not to repeat the offense (or similar ones), make amends, and give it time. If you don't see repentance, understand that according forgiveness to that person is a benefit to yourself, not to the offender.
*Unless those who have harmed us have truly repented of whatever they have done, we need to use wisdom in avoiding repeating the hurt. This may require avoiding those who are unrepentant of the harm that they have inflicted upon us. It would be wise to balance forgiveness against the certain knowledge that evil exists, and some people enjoy harming others.
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Doreen Kaundur
152
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Posted - 2014.05.18 23:12:00 -
[2] - Quote
-reserved-
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Erica Dusette
Rolled Out
7709
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Posted - 2014.05.18 23:37:00 -
[3] - Quote
Confirming the best way to forgive is to have make up sex.
Major (Ret.) Caldari Militia | Part-time wormhole pirate | Full-time super model
Gÿá Wormhole Diary | GÖí #420roloswag
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Webvan
All Kill No Skill
4912
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Posted - 2014.05.18 23:37:00 -
[4] - Quote
You posted a 12 step program in OOPE? lol
"Forgive & Forget" Not overly complicated nor spewed out psychology. All the steps in the world wont help if you do not want to forgive. Of course that can amount to health issues for some... and seemingly longevity for others heh |
Erica Dusette
Rolled Out
7709
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Posted - 2014.05.18 23:40:00 -
[5] - Quote
Webvan wrote:You posted a 12 step program in OOPE? lol
"Forgive & Forget" Not overly complicated nor spewed out psychology. All the steps in the world wont help if you do not want to forgive. Of course that can amount to health issues for some... and seemingly longevity for others heh
Webby ...
All this fighting over WiS.
I want to move past it now. Forgive you ...
Step into my Captains Quarters and we can go a round or three in the name of moving on? 
Major (Ret.) Caldari Militia | Part-time wormhole pirate | Full-time super model
Gÿá Wormhole Diary | GÖí #420roloswag
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Grimpak
Shifting Sands Trader Cartel
Bleak Horizon Alliance.
1517
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Posted - 2014.05.18 23:41:00 -
[6] - Quote
a wise man said once
"Tolerate and respect each other. If you know how, do tell."
[img]http://eve-files.com/sig/grimpak[/img]
[quote]The more I know about humans, the more I love animals.[/quote]
ain't that right |
Webvan
All Kill No Skill
4912
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Posted - 2014.05.18 23:53:00 -
[7] - Quote
Erica Dusette wrote:
Webby ...
All this fighting over WiS.
I want to move past it now. Forgive you ...
Don't lecture me, Erica Dusette! I see through the lies of the Fedo. I do not fear the dark side as you do. I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new Empire. 
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Erica Dusette
Rolled Out
7712
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Posted - 2014.05.19 00:11:00 -
[8] - Quote
Webvan wrote:Erica Dusette wrote:
Webby ...
All this fighting over WiS.
I want to move past it now. Forgive you ...
Don't lecture me, Erica Dusette! I see through the lies of the Fedo. I do not fear the dark side as you do. I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new Empire.
I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'd like to know how you found out I don't do the back-door thing.
Major (Ret.) Caldari Militia | Part-time wormhole pirate | Full-time super model
Gÿá Wormhole Diary | GÖí #420roloswag
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Sibyyl
Brave Collective
984
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Posted - 2014.05.19 02:49:00 -
[9] - Quote
DK, I love your posts. Never know what to expect..
Take solace knowing that even after the sun sets, and your sky is filled with darkness, that the sun is still shining. -D. Entervention
Psychotic Monk joins BNI |
Slade Trillgon
Brutor Force Federated
2871
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Posted - 2014.05.19 02:49:00 -
[10] - Quote
First step to forgivess; imho, is to learn to accept others for who they are and not what they 'did' to 'me'.
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Webvan
All Kill No Skill
4925
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Posted - 2014.05.19 04:15:00 -
[11] - Quote
Slade Trillgon wrote:First step to forgivess; imho, is to learn to accept others for who they are and not what they 'did' to 'me'.
Yeah, I could never do that 'accept' thing. I have much tolerance, I can agree to disagree, but I don't make myself a target to someone to step on me again and again for blatant hostility sake. You can't change people,they are who they are, and where you could forgive them, does not mean you need to accept them and make yourself available to do it again to you. People say turn the other cheek, but I don't believe the original true intended meaning of that was to offer but to actually dodge.  |
Abrazzar
Vardaugas Family
3446
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Posted - 2014.05.19 06:16:00 -
[12] - Quote
The first step in forgiveness is making the other beg for it. Just forgiving someone without them earning it will result in them stepping on you again next time. And again. And again. And again. You will be forever underfoot.
Sovereignty and Population
New Mining Mechanics |
Grimpak
Shifting Sands Trader Cartel
Bleak Horizon Alliance.
1518
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Posted - 2014.05.19 08:28:00 -
[13] - Quote
Webvan wrote:Slade Trillgon wrote:First step to forgivess; imho, is to learn to accept others for who they are and not what they 'did' to 'me'.
Yeah, I could never do that 'accept' thing. I have much tolerance, I can agree to disagree, but I don't make myself a target to someone to step on me again and again for blatant hostility sake. You can't change people,they are who they are, and where you could forgive them, does not mean you need to accept them and make yourself available to do it again to you. People say turn the other cheek, but I don't believe the original true intended meaning of that was to offer but to actually dodge.
thus why I said that about the wise man.
tolerating and respecting people is all nice and dandy, in paper.
reality tells us that even the most tolerant and respectful individual won't be able to do it every time, to people he probably doesn't like or to someone who did wrong to him.
it's our nature.
[img]http://eve-files.com/sig/grimpak[/img]
[quote]The more I know about humans, the more I love animals.[/quote]
ain't that right |
Slade Trillgon
Brutor Force Federated
2875
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Posted - 2014.05.19 10:02:00 -
[14] - Quote
Webvan wrote:Slade Trillgon wrote:First step to forgivess; imho, is to learn to accept others for who they are and not what they 'did' to 'me'.
Yeah, I could never do that 'accept' thing. I have much tolerance, I can agree to disagree, but I don't make myself a target to someone to step on me again and again for blatant hostility sake. You can't change people,they are who they are, and where you could forgive them, does not mean you need to accept them and make yourself available to do it again to you. People say turn the other cheek, but I don't believe the original true intended meaning of that was to offer but to actually dodge.
This was more in line with my experiences with my daughter's mother. What she did to me I have to believe it was not truly her (hormones and all) so I am trying not to blame her for what she did. As for the accepting them for who they are, again it has to do with her lifestyle and it is not 'wrong' but it does not mesh with my lifestyle in a way where we are not compatible long term material. I need to learn to accept her lifestyle so as not to tarnish our relationship with our daughter. Me holding a grudge against my ex would be toxic all around, therefore I must learn to at the least tolerate. I need to set my example and let my daughter find her way. She is a smart cookie so I have to believe she will see the light.
EDIT: I also agree that in most cases tolerance is probably not the best step. It is in this scenario; as far as I am concerned. I just was thinking outloud on the forums |
Debora Tsung
The Investment Bankers Guild
1053
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Posted - 2014.05.19 10:04:00 -
[15] - Quote
The Emperor never forgets! 
Minor transgressions however might be forgiven. THIS TIME!
Stupidity should be a bannable offense.
Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699
Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance. |
Orla- King-Griffin
Var Foundation inc.
44
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Posted - 2014.05.19 10:09:00 -
[16] - Quote
It's a lot easier to forgive someone when you have their corpse in your Garage Hangar. |
Debora Tsung
The Investment Bankers Guild
1053
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Posted - 2014.05.19 10:26:00 -
[17] - Quote
Also, as an afterthought on forgiving, I want to quote one veteran of the french foreign legion that my father used to know.
Backstory: The guy, according to his own claims, fought in Africa before WWII, got captured, lost a leg during the interrogation and somehow even managed to make his way back to Germany alive.
The Quote: The thing with the leg is ok, no hard feelings. I've killed so many of them, we're even.
Yep, what a forgiving and kind soul.
Stupidity should be a bannable offense.
Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699
Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance. |
Crompton Aberforth
University of Caille
Gallente Federation
138
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Posted - 2014.05.19 12:38:00 -
[18] - Quote
Thanks for your post. I love well thought out ideas like this.
Walking a mile in someone else's shoes is also a valuable tool for understanding someone's action. Even partial understanding can help with forgiveness.
Ann Landers is also reported to have said GÇ£Hanging onto resentment is like letting someone you despise live rent-free in your headGÇ¥.
The object of your resentment / anger may genuinely be oblivious to your pain. While they are getting on with their life you are becoming more and more miserable. At that point they have won, and they didn't even know it was a competition.
In my opinion a great strategy is to train yourself to control your attitude and reaction to events, even events which were not in your control. If you look around for people who are worse off than you, it is highly likely you will find them. Surprisingly many of them may be far happier than you are. Why? They choose to be happy. It doesn't mean their life is anywhere near perfect, but it can certainly help make it more bearable.
I am the space cadet your mother warned you about. |
Ralph King-Griffin
Var Foundation inc.
1492
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Posted - 2014.05.19 15:24:00 -
[19] - Quote
Orla- King-Griffin wrote:It's a lot easier to forgive someone when you have their corpse in your Garage Hangar.
It's a lot harder to forgive someone when you Are the corpse in their Garage Hangar. |
Marsha Mallow
615
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Posted - 2014.05.19 19:50:00 -
[20] - Quote
Interesting read, you redirect to more diverse articles than my daily news sites Doreen 
I tend to forgive, but not forget. I've been ignoring certain people (including family members) for decades. Mainly because it really irks them. Which is petty, but entertaining :P
I know a couple of people (who are extraordinarily nice, one is my mother) who are so quick to forgive they lose sight of what happened in the first place. It's a tad frustrating watching people grapple with abusive relationships with colleagues/partners and be powerless to really help because they lock themselves into the cycle. It's also a bit annoying when they go from the extremes of anger to revisionist remarks.
Some folk are just toxic, and the sensible thing to do is remove yourself from their sphere and forget about them. They aren't worth the effort of getting annoyed over.
TO THE RIPARDMOBILE! |
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Orla- King-Griffin
Var Foundation inc.
49
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Posted - 2014.05.19 20:00:00 -
[21] - Quote
On a semi serious note, sometimes forgiveness isn't healthy or appropriate. Still though, more often than not it is. |
Marsha Mallow
616
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Posted - 2014.05.19 20:11:00 -
[22] - Quote
Everything in moderation
Or not 
TO THE RIPARDMOBILE! |
Reaver Glitterstim
Dromedaworks inc
Test Alliance Please Ignore
1393
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Posted - 2014.05.19 22:14:00 -
[23] - Quote
I never had trouble forgiving. What I didn't get was how a person could stay mad at someone else for something that happened a long time ago. People have told me I have a gift, but it doesn't feel like a gift. It makes me feel vulnerable. I can't correctly assess people's intentions. I give people room where others later tell me I shouldn't have, and I get hurt. It's a hard road to climb. I think what they mean by me having a gift is it's a gift for the people around me, not for me.
I've seen many proverbs about how great it is to do X selfless act, and none of the people telling them stop to admit that sometimes the only benefit is to those around you. Now that's not to say that being nice doesn't have its benefits, it absolutely does. But there are a lot of times when being nice does not benefit you, and many of those proverbs out there are flat-out wrong when it comes to self-serving.
p.s.: can someone please explain to me how to know when to not forgive? And when I know I shouldn't, how do I not? When someone asks for my trust and I don't trust them, how do I respond without antagonizing that person? Answering this question won't just help me, it may help those of you who stop to consider it.
Fit a warfare link to your tech 1 battlecruiser. Train Wing Commander. Get in the Squad Commander or Wing Commander position. Your fleets will be superior to everyone else's. (had this sig BEFORE Odyssey BC rebalance)
And bring back the missile Inquisitor!! |
Astenion
The Scope
Gallente Federation
386
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Posted - 2014.05.20 14:11:00 -
[24] - Quote
Forgiveness depends on the act. If your girlfriend cheats on you, you can break up with her and then forgive her later and not worry about it. What's done is done and there's no use carrying around that baggage.
However, if someone murders/rapes/molests you/your family/someone you care about, I don't see why you have to forgive them, and neither do I see why it's an admirable quality to do so. Some people shouldn't be forgiven. This is why I fully support the death penalty; maybe not how it's implemented currently, but the idea that certain people just aren't meant to breathe is a concept I agree with fully. |
Sibyyl
Brave Collective
1067
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Posted - 2014.05.20 19:21:00 -
[25] - Quote
Just quoting one of my favorite poems by Blake:
I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
And I watered it in fears,
Night and morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.
And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright.
And my foe beheld it shine.
And he knew that it was mine,
And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretched beneath the tree
Take solace knowing that even after the sun sets, and your sky is filled with darkness, that the sun is still shining. -D. Entervention
Psychotic Monk joins BNI |
Reaver Glitterstim
Dromedaworks inc
Test Alliance Please Ignore
1404
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Posted - 2014.05.21 02:10:00 -
[26] - Quote
I am opposed to the death penalty because I don't trust any single group to be a good judge of who should live and who should die. I'd rather pay tax money to keep ten violent, psychopathic, remorseless murderers alive and locked up than have one halfway-innocent person be put to death.
Fit a warfare link to your tech 1 battlecruiser. Train Wing Commander. Get in the Squad Commander or Wing Commander position. Your fleets will be superior to everyone else's. (had this sig BEFORE Odyssey BC rebalance)
And bring back the missile Inquisitor!! |
Reaver Glitterstim
Dromedaworks inc
Test Alliance Please Ignore
1405
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Posted - 2014.05.21 03:30:00 -
[27] - Quote
I also wish to make it abundantly clear that I hold no ill feelings toward people merely for being a psycopath or a sociopath. Some people are born that way, many of them are good people. Just because a certain crime would only be committed by a psychopath does not mean that a psychopath is likely to commit that crime. Psychopaths and sociopaths are a poorly understood and highly persecuted group of people that we need to stop hating indiscriminately and start welcoming into our lives. Assuming a person is bad because they have a certain uncommon trait causes more harm than the people in that group who are not nice people.
I have a distant friendship with a sociopath. We haven't spoken in a long time but for a short while I was able to call her friend, and she was able to see me as a fun person to talk to. We both learned a lot from the other, and our relationship was very healthy.
Fit a warfare link to your tech 1 battlecruiser. Train Wing Commander. Get in the Squad Commander or Wing Commander position. Your fleets will be superior to everyone else's. (had this sig BEFORE Odyssey BC rebalance)
And bring back the missile Inquisitor!! |
Ham the Astrochimp
Imperial Academy
Amarr Empire
153
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Posted - 2014.05.21 03:36:00 -
[28] - Quote
o o oo eeh
yous can have Hams forgiveness when yous pry it from me cold de4d paw!
Haaaaaaaaa!! |
Reaver Glitterstim
Dromedaworks inc
Test Alliance Please Ignore
1405
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Posted - 2014.05.21 03:43:00 -
[29] - Quote
Ham, nobody is asking you to let someone get away with hurting you. But if you learn to stop letting other people's faults get you down, it makes you a lot happier.
But from the looks of it, you seem to be doing pretty well there I think.
Fit a warfare link to your tech 1 battlecruiser. Train Wing Commander. Get in the Squad Commander or Wing Commander position. Your fleets will be superior to everyone else's. (had this sig BEFORE Odyssey BC rebalance)
And bring back the missile Inquisitor!! |
Marcus Gord
Stormcrows
53024
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Posted - 2014.05.21 08:18:00 -
[30] - Quote
i'm one of those forgive but never forget kind of people. most of the time.
sometimes you just gotta give in to wrath.
You can't take the sky from me
".....Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well....." |
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