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DGTLC
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Posted - 2008.05.20 15:10:00 -
[1]
but I need help with what to do.
I know this probably isn't the best comunity in the world to ask (I take pride in that tbh) but it's to do with a girl.
Basic outline is there is this girl who I dated a few years back and seriously fell in love with. We didn't speak for quite a while after we broke up but I'd started seeing her around and chatted to her once or twice recently and tbh just seeing her makes me feel happier than I ever have.
Now I wanted to see if there was actually anything there or just some childish fantasy reliving itself, either way I thought I'd ask her if she wanted to grab a bite to eat sometime but when I did she completely avoided answering me but was wondering why I wanted too. I didn't tell her because no matter how I worded it, it sounded completely stupid. When I pushed her a bit for an answer all she said was that it wasn't a no. We never really got past that and still chat (although admitadly rarely) but I still get that feeling, where whenever I see her my heart starts to feel like it's leaping out of my chest (half the time it looks like it is as well. I'm not particulary weighty and have a very strong heart) and I don't know what to do about it.
I've considered asking her again and telling her why but I a) rarely can build up enough guts to do it, and b) don't want to ruin what contact we do have (atm very little tbh).
Like I said at the start, this is probably about the worst community I could ask but any help is good. I just want nothing more then to at least see if there is anything solid between us or just a fantasy (you can't blame me if it's the second on... she is just soooo hot).
I'll be back in a few hours to see what damage I have caused/which trolls have had a good feed.
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DGTLC
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Posted - 2008.05.20 15:10:00 -
[2]
but I need help with what to do.
I know this probably isn't the best comunity in the world to ask (I take pride in that tbh) but it's to do with a girl.
Basic outline is there is this girl who I dated a few years back and seriously fell in love with. We didn't speak for quite a while after we broke up but I'd started seeing her around and chatted to her once or twice recently and tbh just seeing her makes me feel happier than I ever have.
Now I wanted to see if there was actually anything there or just some childish fantasy reliving itself, either way I thought I'd ask her if she wanted to grab a bite to eat sometime but when I did she completely avoided answering me but was wondering why I wanted too. I didn't tell her because no matter how I worded it, it sounded completely stupid. When I pushed her a bit for an answer all she said was that it wasn't a no. We never really got past that and still chat (although admitadly rarely) but I still get that feeling, where whenever I see her my heart starts to feel like it's leaping out of my chest (half the time it looks like it is as well. I'm not particulary weighty and have a very strong heart) and I don't know what to do about it.
I've considered asking her again and telling her why but I a) rarely can build up enough guts to do it, and b) don't want to ruin what contact we do have (atm very little tbh).
Like I said at the start, this is probably about the worst community I could ask but any help is good. I just want nothing more then to at least see if there is anything solid between us or just a fantasy (you can't blame me if it's the second on... she is just soooo hot).
I'll be back in a few hours to see what damage I have caused/which trolls have had a good feed.
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Imperator Jora'h
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Posted - 2008.05.20 15:15:00 -
[3]
You have to consider why you broke up in the first place and if there is a real reason to suppose something has changed since then. If it has proceed, if not move on.
Second, her non-answer is not encouraging. Maybe she is playing coy but it is not encouraging.
If you really must then lay it all out for her. Yeah it may sound stupid. Yeah you are taking a risk of getting your feelings stomped. But better than this twilight zone that is messing with your head. She'll go for it or she won't. Either way you are better off.
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"Of course," said my grandfather, pulling a gun from his belt as he stepped from the Time Machine, "there's no paradox if I shoot you!"
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Imperator Jora'h
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Posted - 2008.05.20 15:15:00 -
[4]
You have to consider why you broke up in the first place and if there is a real reason to suppose something has changed since then. If it has proceed, if not move on.
Second, her non-answer is not encouraging. Maybe she is playing coy but it is not encouraging.
If you really must then lay it all out for her. Yeah it may sound stupid. Yeah you are taking a risk of getting your feelings stomped. But better than this twilight zone that is messing with your head. She'll go for it or she won't. Either way you are better off.
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"Of course," said my grandfather, pulling a gun from his belt as he stepped from the Time Machine, "there's no paradox if I shoot you!"
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The TX
Gallente
Earth Inc.
Zeta Tau Epsilon
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Posted - 2008.05.20 15:17:00 -
[5]
Acutally, you've probably asked the RIGHT community. I can speak for myself only, of course, but as a techy-geeky-computer-gaming-type-and-not-football-playing-type guy, I once had those sorts of feelings, and bearing in mind a large proportion of this community is probably in this same category, there may be quite a few others who have felt or are feeling like this 
My advice: tell her exactly how you feel. The truth is always best. You may need it to sink in for a bit, but then you'll get a response, and then you'll know whether you are killing yourself inside, or you're onto the best thing ever.
I think I remember a friends episode, in series 1 i think, a really early one, where Ross is a bit shy about going out with Rachel (IIRC, i think this is roughtly right), and he's a bit unsure, and someone says: "Or you'll get everything you've ever wanted since high school" (that line is approximate, but either way, I can't help but feel that it belongs in this thread somewhere).
Anyhoo, hope I've helped in some way.
TX out.
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The TX
Gallente
Earth Inc.
Zeta Tau Epsilon
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Posted - 2008.05.20 15:17:00 -
[6]
Acutally, you've probably asked the RIGHT community. I can speak for myself only, of course, but as a techy-geeky-computer-gaming-type-and-not-football-playing-type guy, I once had those sorts of feelings, and bearing in mind a large proportion of this community is probably in this same category, there may be quite a few others who have felt or are feeling like this
My advice: tell her exactly how you feel. The truth is always best. You may need it to sink in for a bit, but then you'll get a response, and then you'll know whether you are killing yourself inside, or you're onto the best thing ever.
I think I remember a friends episode, in series 1 i think, a really early one, where Ross is a bit shy about going out with Rachel (IIRC, i think this is roughtly right), and he's a bit unsure, and someone says: "Or you'll get everything you've ever wanted since high school" (that line is approximate, but either way, I can't help but feel that it belongs in this thread somewhere).
Anyhoo, hope I've helped in some way.
TX out.
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Dheorl
The Scope
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Posted - 2008.05.20 15:21:00 -
[7]
Edited by: Dheorl on 20/05/2008 15:22:21
Aye. I'd probably do what the other people have suggested and just pray for the best. At least you'll have a definite answer then.
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Fink Angel
Caldari
The Merry Men
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Posted - 2008.05.20 15:35:00 -
[8]
I'd either try to make a go of it, or have a complete break from her. Might be hard, but all the time you're seeing her a little bit here and there you're torturing yourself.
But ... if you make a break without trying, you'll always wonder if there was ever a chance. Hence you've got nothing to lose. So go for it mate.
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Larice
Minmatar
Seven Provinces
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Posted - 2008.05.20 15:35:00 -
[9]
 Originally by: DGTLC
but when I did she completely avoided answering me but was wondering why I wanted too. I didn't tell her because no matter how I worded it, it sounded completely stupid. When I pushed her a bit for an answer all she said was that it wasn't a no.
I hate to break it to you, but when this happens it usually means that she doesn't want to disappoint you by saying 'no'. Ofcourse I can't be sure, so my advice would be to mention it again as an 'oh btw' and let her continue it: "Oh btw, we should go out for dinner soon. Call me." (assuming she still has your number). This way you don't put her on the spot. And you know what you're in for if she doesn't call.
Good luck! 
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DGTLC
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Posted - 2008.05.20 15:41:00 -
[10]
Originally by: Larice
Originally by: DGTLC
but when I did she completely avoided answering me but was wondering why I wanted too. I didn't tell her because no matter how I worded it, it sounded completely stupid. When I pushed her a bit for an answer all she said was that it wasn't a no.
I hate to break it to you, but when this happens it usually means that she doesn't want to disappoint you by saying 'no'
I was thinking this is probably the case but when I pushed her for an answer she did kinda say that it wasn't a no rather than just not giving an answer at all. Maybe I'm just clinging on here but meh.
So basically just go for it an pray for the best? Meh, I suppose I may as well give it a go, been considering it for a while but needed a bit of a push.
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Fink Angel
Caldari
The Merry Men
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Posted - 2008.05.20 15:48:00 -
[11]
Originally by: DGTLC
Originally by: Larice
Originally by: DGTLC
but when I did she completely avoided answering me but was wondering why I wanted too. I didn't tell her because no matter how I worded it, it sounded completely stupid. When I pushed her a bit for an answer all she said was that it wasn't a no.
I hate to break it to you, but when this happens it usually means that she doesn't want to disappoint you by saying 'no'
I was thinking this is probably the case but when I pushed her for an answer she did kinda say that it wasn't a no rather than just not giving an answer at all. Maybe I'm just clinging on here but meh.
So basically just go for it an pray for the best? Meh, I suppose I may as well give it a go, been considering it for a while but needed a bit of a push.
Just don't end up as her "friend" if you want to be shagging her. Sorry to put it bluntly.
You'll never move from the friend ladder to the shagging ladder.
Ladder Theory
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The TX
Gallente
Earth Inc.
Zeta Tau Epsilon
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Posted - 2008.05.20 15:49:00 -
[12]
Yeah, tell it to HER straight, and then ASK her to tell it to YOU straight, beacause "I have to know whether I'm torturing myself here or wether there's a future".
Or something like that.
If you do fail to find the guts to ask her, just send her a link to this thread when the thread's all done. Then she can see for herself how you feel.
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Dheorl
The Scope
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Posted - 2008.05.20 15:58:00 -
[13]
Originally by: Fink Angel
You'll never move from the friend ladder to the shagging ladder.
Ladder Theory
I can personally vouch for that bit not being true but meh. As a side note one thing I find exceptionally hard to do is go friend > shagging > friend. I suppose that may be where your having trouble. Going from shagging to not shagging to shagging again (god how many times can I write shagging in one sentence, I feel like a 6 year old) can be tricky.
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Natsume Chidori
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Posted - 2008.05.20 16:05:00 -
[14]
Originally by: Fink Angel
Just don't end up as her "friend" if you want to be shagging her. Sorry to put it bluntly.
You'll never move from the friend ladder to the shagging ladder.
Ladder Theory
Whoo boy, that brings up some unpleasant memories. 
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Ryysa
The Illuminati.
Pandemic Legion
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Posted - 2008.05.20 17:07:00 -
[15]
@ OP...
Find someone better seriously. From my experience, nothing good will come out of it. She probably just doesn't want to hurt you or w/e. If she had any interest in you, she wouldn't hesitate etc.
Girls want to **** just as much as guys, so if one in particular doesn't want you, pick someone else, or do something about your smell 
Also, that ladder theory link is relevant.
Perhaps it educates some, who have not come to the conclusions in it by themselves. There are always exceptions, but for the majority of the cases, that's it.
EW Guide - KB Tool - My Music |
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CCP Eris Discordia
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Posted - 2008.05.20 18:07:00 -
[16]
The ladder Theory is a good start but women have more ladders, this one is just about sex we also have them about what we think is long term relation material and what is not. Before you get your hopes up and think you might be in for another longtime relation if she says yes, you might want to make sure she hasnŠt already made up her mind about that either.
She seems subtle and keeps you hanging on by not giving an outright yes or no answer, or an honest one where she explains why she doesnŠt know yet.
She might not want to say no because she is worried it might hurt your feelings 
Pink Dread has been hijacked
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Slade Trillgon
Siorai Iontach
Brotherhood of the Spider
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Posted - 2008.05.20 18:16:00 -
[17]
Didn't read all the post and I will speak from personal and similar experiance.
I had a similar issue with a high school crush. I would stick with the being friends or just cut it off completely. The best thing to do, IMMHO, is to let it go completely. If she is not showing interest at this point your best bet is to cut it off and see if that has any effect, otherwise you are setting yourself up for a world o hurt brother.
The girl I am talking about only wants me for physicalities when she comes into town now adays so I humor her, but I do not let my heart get into it. I am good at rationalizing. If you are not then I would seriuosly cut it off and find a new lady friend.
LMAO!!! Then again I could be totally wrong. We, as men, will never figure out women. For all we know she could be shy herself, playing hard to get, sees you as a good friend and does not want to ruin that, and/otr a whole slew of other things.
A few questions from me to clear things up...
1) How old are the 2 of you?
2) Does this girl have a history of primarily haveing male friends?
3) Does she tend to be quite open with her sexuality?
4) Have you ever had any physical relations with her?
5) Have you ever told her your real feelings?
End Note: If you can not help yourself then this is what I suggest to say...
"You know :insert name here: back in high shool I always thought we would have had a great time if we had dated. I was wondering if you ever had similar feelings?
If she answers yes then you can say something like well then why don't we hang out and have some fun. If she says no then you put things more in a past perspective with the thoughts of current day exploration without really exposing yourself as a potential love sick puppy.
Slade
P.S.
Disclaimer: I am no cassanova. LOL
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Amastat
Caldari
Omegatech
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Posted - 2008.05.20 18:25:00 -
[18]
Edited by: Amastat on 20/05/2008 18:27:14
Edited by: Amastat on 20/05/2008 18:26:27
Originally by: CCP Eris Discordia
The ladder Theory is a good start but women have more ladders, this one is just about sex we also have them about what we think is long term relation material and what is not. Before you get your hopes up and think you might be in for another longtime relation if she says yes, you might want to make sure she hasnŠt already made up her mind about that either.
She seems subtle and keeps you hanging on by not giving an outright yes or no answer, or an honest one where she explains why she doesnŠt know yet.
She might not want to say no because she is worried it might hurt your feelings
Ugh :( Why can't more woman be straight, no lies, just be blunt. That's how I am - better then lying/secrets and making it worse.
It's funny how some people like that lie or hide things in effort to not hurt someone, yet in fact they usually end up making the problem worse then what it would of been if they just been very straightforward  But - they keep making that same mistake over and over.
People are stupid
It's better to just shoot the horse then let it suffer for several days before croaking.
____________________
"All warfare is based on deception... we must seem unable...seem inactive...and crush him " - Sun Tzu |
Dheorl
The Scope
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Posted - 2008.05.20 19:40:00 -
[19]
Edited by: Dheorl on 20/05/2008 19:41:00
Women not being completely straight can add to the fun sometimes, although I do wish they wouldn't do it so much. It's fine for a while but after that it just gets annoying.
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DGTLC
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Posted - 2008.05.20 19:53:00 -
[20]
Originally by: Slade Trillgon
1) How old are the 2 of you?
2) Does this girl have a history of primarily haveing male friends?
3) Does she tend to be quit open with her sexuality?
4) Have you ever had any physical relations with her?
5) Have you ever told her your real feelings?
1) I make a general principle of not posting age online. It's a huge source of discrimination which I just don't think is nessicary.
2) Nah, her friends are about 50/50, maybe urging a bit towards the female side.
3) Meh.
4) Well, we haven't had sex.
5) Not since we stopped going out.
I know I should probably just get over her but it's a huge amount harder to do then it is to say. She was the girl of my dreams and I don't think I have enough willpower to force myself to let her go.
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Ryysa
The Illuminati.
Pandemic Legion
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Posted - 2008.05.20 19:55:00 -
[21]
Great, fits into the "cuddle-*****" theory just right.
Just move along... the sooner the better.
EW Guide - KB Tool - My Music |
DGTLC
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Posted - 2008.05.20 20:04:00 -
[22]
Edited by: DGTLC on 20/05/2008 20:04:04
Originally by: Ryysa
Great, fits into the "cuddle-*****" theory just right.
??
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Genghis Kitty
Hello Kitty Online Adventurers
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Posted - 2008.05.20 20:07:00 -
[23]
Originally by: DGTLC
1) I make a general principle of not posting age online. It's a huge source of discrimination which I just don't think is nessicary.
16 or 17 then. 
You sound like you know you should move on, but maybe have posted this to see if people will reinforce your idea of staying around her.
There are plenty more women you'll meet in your life who will become the girl of your dreams. Don't lock yourself to this girl no matter how badly it's going for you, thinking she's the only one.
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DGTLC
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Posted - 2008.05.20 20:13:00 -
[24]
Originally by: Genghis Kitty
Originally by: DGTLC
1) I make a general principle of not posting age online. It's a huge source of discrimination which I just don't think is nessicary.
16 or 17 then.
18.
Originally by: Genghis Kitty
You sound like you know you should move on, but maybe have posted this to see if people will reinforce your idea of staying around her.
There are plenty more women you'll meet in your life who will become the girl of your dreams. Don't lock yourself to this girl no matter how badly it's going for you, thinking she's the only one.
The problem is I've already gone though a few of those women and none of them even get close to comparing what it was like with her, or even just how knowing her and knowing that she is around makes me feel, which tbh just makes it even harder.
I know theres alot of time ahead of me but atm it's now that I'm thinking about.
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Genghis Kitty
Hello Kitty Online Adventurers
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Posted - 2008.05.20 20:20:00 -
[25]
Originally by: DGTLC
The problem is I've already gone though a few of those women and none of them even get close to comparing what it was like with her, or even just how knowing her and knowing that she is around makes me feel, which tbh just makes it even harder.
I know theres alot of time ahead of me but atm it's now that I'm thinking about.
When I was around 19 I split up with my first serious(ish) girlfriend and thought the world was going to end. Looking back I probably tried to save the un-saveable, and should have cut my links with her much earlier.
However if someone had told me to do that at the time I'd probably have told you to p*ss right off.
To be honest only you know in your head (not your heart, that just pumps blood!) what you want to do.
Just be true to yourself. That's the best you can do.
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MalVortex
Jericho Fraction
The Star Fraction
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Posted - 2008.05.20 20:21:00 -
[26]
Cut it off completley. She's playing you in one direction or another (for her own ends, which you don't know). Even worse, you are unable to stay objective to the situation. The moment your rationality is compromised you should exit the situation.
Live for yourself - not easy, but easier than the alternative: letting strong emotions around girls you <3 lead you to situations that'll rip you in two (if your lucky!). Frankly, dating should be about enhancing your own life, not subservience to another's.
I know its tough, and that I sound like a cold bastard... But trust me, your setting yourself up for major cluster******y if you don't.
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Slade Trillgon
Siorai Iontach
Brotherhood of the Spider
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Posted - 2008.05.20 20:30:00 -
[27]
Edited by: Slade Trillgon on 20/05/2008 20:33:19
Originally by: DGTLC
I know I should probably just get over her but it's a huge amount harder to do then it is to say. She was the girl of my dreams and I don't think I have enough willpower to force myself to let her go.
When I was 18 I told a ex of mine how I felt, it did not change the way things were and I was not happy for awhile. I went to college where I easily forgot about her.
She then came back into my life after 5 years in college. Things were awkward and I had mixed feelings but I then moved 900 miles (@ 1500 KM) away for grad school and she left my mind again.
She came back into my life 4 years after I finished grad school, this past October, and now we are friends that have sex when she is in town from Denver.
That is my "similar" experiance fast forwarded for you.
Slade
EDIT: So I would say forget her for know you will be better off and stronger for that action. I would say it is much better to be stong and deny yourself something then to break down to something and loose it. Well at least in this case.
The old addage also fits here, If it was ment to be it will work out in the end.
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Dheorl
The Scope
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Posted - 2008.05.20 20:49:00 -
[28]
Edited by: Dheorl on 20/05/2008 20:50:33
Originally by: Slade Trillgon
Edited by: Slade Trillgon on 20/05/2008 20:33:19
Originally by: DGTLC
I know I should probably just get over her but it's a huge amount harder to do then it is to say. She was the girl of my dreams and I don't think I have enough willpower to force myself to let her go.
When I was 18 I told a ex of mine how I felt, it did not change the way things were and I was not happy for awhile. I went to college where I easily forgot about her.
She then came back into my life after 5 years in college. Things were awkward and I had mixed feelings but I then moved 900 miles (@ 1500 KM) away for grad school and she left my mind again.
She came back into my life 4 years after I finished grad school, this past October, and now we are friends that have sex when she is in town from Denver.
That is my "similar" experiance fast forwarded for you.
Slade
EDIT: So I would say forget her for know you will be better off and stronger for that action. I would say it is much better to be stong and deny yourself something then to break down to something and loose it. Well at least in this case.
The old addage also fits here, If it was ment to be it will work out in the end.
Sex buddies -insert ochetsral heavenly music here to tase-... I like it.
And yes I do watch too much scrubs
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Slade Trillgon
Siorai Iontach
Brotherhood of the Spider
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Posted - 2008.05.20 20:51:00 -
[29]
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DGTLC
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Posted - 2008.05.20 22:00:00 -
[30]
I probably should have mentioned earlier that I'm probably joining the same class as her next year which could make forgetting about her quite a bit harder.
I think I'll go for the tell her how I feel and risk it solution. At least it will give me conformation either way.
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