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Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
11041
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Posted - 2014.03.20 19:30:00 -
[1] - Quote
At the request of several people, I will use this thread to regale the Eve-O forums citizens with pastry-related office shenanigans and HR lady related content.
For some background, ill go ahead and post the other related posts on this so we can all start on the same page.
Enjoy now delicious walls of organic text, meant to be read the way they are written, so you can feel my frustrations, and share in my joys.
I hear there is cake in the break room.
There is never any left when I get there. Stupid HR lady always take like half of it. Like she needs it. Shes one of those eats all day long and never gains a pound women. The main problem is that she knows it too. She constantly brags about it. I always walk by her desk and put salt on her food so that she retains water. Salt does that to women right? anyways, I hope she gets fat. Like TLC show morbidly obese fat. That will knock her down a peg. Really deflate her ego. Her husband wil probably divorce her for it too. That would be best for him anyways. Shes been cheating on him for like 3 years with the boss's son. The son is like 10 years younger than her too. I mean, all her husband has to do is check the kids facebook wall and he would catch his wife cheating on him. I guess hes one of those guys who doesn't have a facebook page, probably at her request. God I hate that women manipulate men like that. I guess that men manipulate women too though, so turnabout is fairplay. Although, the boss's son has the herp. Yep, he went all YOLO at college and caught it from this little blonde chick who he though was clean. Turned out she wasn't. Now were pretty sure the HR lady has it. She got to right? I mean, after 3 years, you totally gotta catch that stuff. I dug through her purse once while she was out to see if she was taking Valtrex, because that would totally confirm if she had it. I didn't find any though. She probably hiding it in her desk. That is always locked. I practiced picking the lock on my desk with 2 paperclips to prepare myself for the day when I mission impossible my ass over there and lockpick that drawer. I know theres something there I could use against her, or at least flame her to the whole office over. That will toally teach her for eating half my birthday cake last year. It was a good cake. It was lemon cake with lemon frosting. awesome. I love that combo. I took only a small piece hoping that I could come back later and get more, but that woman came in and literally plopped half the cake on a plate and went to her cubicle and ate it. I had hoped that she was allergic to lemon. Ugh she wasn't though. That wasa dumb thought...if she was allergic to lemon, she would know it..and not taken any of my cake! Anyways, if you've survived this far, I promise you, its almost over. Or is it? I mean, the counter says I have about 3600 characters left, So I could go on about the HR lady. There really is a lot to tell about her. I don't use facebook, or else id look her up and link her page here so you can picture what she looks like. She one of those pale people. and she has a mole on her neck. its one of those small moles, not one of those hairy potato moles that people get that have to be surgically removed. That would be gross. We would have to name it. I would totally name it larry. Larry the mole.
Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
11041
|
Posted - 2014.03.20 19:30:00 -
[2] - Quote
Today, the HR lady brought in an Apple pie for everyone to share. Seriously. One pie for an entire office of like 40 people! Shes the HR lady..she knew this! Anyways, the apple pie situation has now degraded into a free for all of people just scooping spoonfuls and eating it. I have no clue if theyre double-dipping..but im sure Steve is. Steve is a bastard like that. This one time, Steve ate our diabetic front desk lady's emergency candybar..and when she went into a low blood sugar spell..she didn't have that candybar! Steve, if youre reading this, youre a douche. Anyways, there are now like 15 people int he break room who smell like pie, and like 20 others who didn't get any pie, and a damn near licked clean pie crust on the table. Part of me wants to take the pie crust and tin home and fill it with jello pudding and bring it back in tomorrow, and watch everyone eat licked crust pie. I wont eat it...but Ill know everyone else did. Afterwards ill tell them, and they'll never trust another pie in the break room ever again! Muwahahhaha! Ill get all the pie from now on! But wait...what if someone does the same thing to me? Oh..that would suck. Theres like 12 people here who have got the lip herp...eeew...I don't want to catch that from Cindy..shes nasty. Ill have to think this all through. Maybe ill attempt the orange dust covered Styrofoam packing peanuts again int he Cheetos bag...that went over pretty well last time. Kinda **** move on my part, but I laughed. I really sold the whole thing by walking out of the breakroom with a handful of real Cheetos so people all thought they were real. I still might do the pie thing tonight. Sounds like something I would do. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
11041
|
Posted - 2014.03.20 19:31:00 -
[3] - Quote
Today was doughnut day! Theyre not especially good doughnuts, but I guess cheap doughnuts is better than no doughnuts..right? Anyways, the herd stampeded into the breakroom in order to go through doughnut thunderdome. 25 people enter...12 people leave..with doughnuts. Who the **** brings in a dozen doughnuts to an office this size?!!??! Seriously. It wasn't the HR lady. Shes off today. Probably herp related. I still want to find proof of that. Im not willing to find out the easy way..because im married, and frankly I don't want the herp. Yeah, im calling her easy. Its even worse now that the boss's son broke it off with her. She like a cat in heat..walking around, finding excuses to bend over and put her ass in peoples faces. It would be weird if she meowed though. She did dress as a sexy cat for holloween once. I guess in this case sexy would be subjective. That mole aint sexy. I started calling her mole Larry finally, and the nickname has caught on. We all say that "shes out with Larry" when people call he phone and shes out and about. The boss doesn't know the nickname thing, so hes always trying to catch Larry the supply manager with her, and no one wants to tell him who Larry really is, mostly because its funny to see him secret agenting around trying to catch them together. he thought he had her and him once...but it turned out Larry was dropping her off some letterhead and pens. HR lady goes through ALOT of pens. Im not sure if shes stealing them..but I think shes a pen-chewer..and that might explain it. Lupe the cleaning lady throws away chewed pens, so that might explain it too. Lupe might be OCD. I like Lupe. I took Lupe to lunch once, and instantly rumors flew about us having an affair. The rumors got really bad, and they drug us both into HR mediation to resolve a non-issue. I think its funny that the lady who is notorious for fraternizing is in charge of finding out if we were fraternizing..which is oddly a fireable offense. Wait...then why hasn't the HR lady been fired... OOOhhhhh I bet shes now sleeping with the boss! EEEwwwwww! she was sleeping with his son! Gross. Unless hes into that... its gonna take a bottle of mind wipe to get that image out of my head. Anyways, im glad I didn't go for the doughnuts. Doug just walked by holding his nose. Doughnut Thunderdome must have gone bad today. I bet Alice threw an elbow. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Desivo Delta Visseroff
Cataclysmic Paradox
145
|
Posted - 2014.03.20 19:45:00 -
[4] - Quote
First, Read it all & Subscribed! |
Khergit Deserters
Crom's Angels
2898
|
Posted - 2014.03.20 19:59:00 -
[5] - Quote
+1, +1 and +1 Anyone who has ever worked in an office or been in a break room food riot should read this.
P.S. Is it universally true that HR people are generally the dumbest and possibly meanest people in every office? Or has that just been my own personal experience/bad luck? |
Desivo Delta Visseroff
Cataclysmic Paradox
145
|
Posted - 2014.03.20 20:05:00 -
[6] - Quote
I never touch the free break room food. You never know who stuck their **** in the mashed potatoes. ....... I know |
Freshly Rolled Goodness
Science and Trade Institute Caldari State
1
|
Posted - 2014.03.20 20:26:00 -
[7] - Quote
I never post on the forums, but in this case I had to. This is a work of literary excellence! I have subscribed and cant wait until tomorrow! There will be another one tomorrow, right? |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
11053
|
Posted - 2014.03.20 20:28:00 -
[8] - Quote
Freshly Rolled Goodness wrote:I never post on the forums, but in this case I had to. This is a work of literary excellence! I have subscribed and cant wait until tomorrow! There will be another one tomorrow, right?
Tommorow is Friday Pie-day...so hopefully . Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
6960
|
Posted - 2014.03.20 20:29:00 -
[9] - Quote
Desivo Delta Visseroff wrote:I never touch the free break room food. You never know who stuck their **** in the mashed potatoes. ....... I know
you get free Mash at work???
Nice thread UAE
I like Snow. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Carmen Electra - You are also on my block list. |
Random McNally
Rifterlings Point Blank Alliance
55734
|
Posted - 2014.03.21 13:54:00 -
[10] - Quote
*stands and applauds*
Bravo sir, bravo!
Will continue to read.
Curious as to the shenanigans regarding Pieday-Friday. Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat |
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Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
11081
|
Posted - 2014.03.21 15:43:00 -
[11] - Quote
I hate Fridays.
Fridays here are the new Mondays. Seriously. Fridays are traditionally stressful around these parts. high powered deals go through on Friday that are usually started on Monday. You know whats worse? Fridays got so bad, that the boss hired a consultant to find and fix the problems. So this granola eating sandal wearing hippie comes in and determines that we need some kind of relaxation and team building excercises to start the day off on Friday. Now, we start the day off with yoga breathing and a team trust thingy. **** you hippy. just. ****. you. I have decided to counteract this calming effect..because im an ass. My weapon of choice this morning? Funions. The entire office (minus me) hates Funions. In an office this size youd think that statistically someone else would like them..but they don't. So I came in early this morning and placed a funion on every single peg on top of our cubicles. it took 2 full bags and 2 pilfered bags from the vending machines to blanket the entire office in them. I showed up really early in order to do this. crazy early. I didn't want anyone to know I did it. The office now REEKS of Funions. ******* REEKS of ******* FUNIONS. horribly. So after our morning of relaxing yoga and several failed trust falls (I aint catching Rhonda...shes BIG), we emerged into the noxious fog of Funion Chemical warfare. Now everyone is accusing everyone else of doing it. People are finding funions all over the place, a couple have been thrown (maybe by me...maybe not). Mission accomplished. Part two of my plan invoved a simple index card, which I folded in half and wrote "this pie contains lard." on. This folded card was placed in front of the Banana Cream Pie on the break room table when no one was looking. The militant Vegan timebomb has been set. 20 minutes later, Becky (resident militant vegan *****) throws a fit over the insensitivity to her lifestyle. Shes still going off about it! Im in tears from laughing, Steve is on the floor gasping for air, Doug is about dying in his office. Everyone knows the pie was Vegan (because of Becky...that *****.), everyone knows that I put the card there...No one is telling Becky. Im wondering how much longer ill let this go on..... I might grab a spoon and grab some pie, and make a comment about tasting the cruelty. That always goes well. Im starting to wonder If im a bad person, but dammit, this is worth it. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Freshly Rolled Goodness
Science and Trade Institute Caldari State
3
|
Posted - 2014.03.21 17:02:00 -
[12] - Quote
Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Part two of my plan invoved a simple index card, which I folded in half and wrote "this pie contains lard." on. This folded card was placed in front of the Banana Cream Pie on the break room table when no one was looking. The militant Vegan timebomb has been set.
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Slade Trillgon
Brutor Force Federated
2626
|
Posted - 2014.03.21 17:09:00 -
[13] - Quote
This has potential of being an Epic thread!
Many laughs to had the the expense of unknown others!
+1000 |
Khergit Deserters
Crom's Angels
2903
|
Posted - 2014.03.21 17:29:00 -
[14] - Quote
Freshly Rolled Goodness wrote:Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Part two of my plan invoved a simple index card, which I folded in half and wrote "this pie contains lard." on. This folded card was placed in front of the Banana Cream Pie on the break room table when no one was looking. The militant Vegan timebomb has been set. This time, it's the pie that's a lie. |
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
6967
|
Posted - 2014.03.21 19:42:00 -
[15] - Quote
Slade Trillgon wrote:This has potential of being an Epic thread! Many laughs to had the the expense of unknown others! +1000
Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Carmen Electra - You are also on my block list. |
Desivo Delta Visseroff
Cataclysmic Paradox
147
|
Posted - 2014.03.21 20:21:00 -
[16] - Quote
I'm trying to laugh silently in my cubicle, but I end up sounding like crazed madman with breathing problems.
This thread FOREVER |
Random McNally
Rifterlings Point Blank Alliance
55967
|
Posted - 2014.03.24 13:44:00 -
[17] - Quote
Slade Trillgon wrote:This has potential of being an Epic thread! Many laughs to had the the expense of unknown others! +1000 Oh so much of this. Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
11170
|
Posted - 2014.03.24 17:50:00 -
[18] - Quote
Ill just leave this here.
From: Human Resources , **** [****@**********.com] Sent: Monday, March 24, 2014 8:43 AM To: *****,**** [****@**********.com] Cc: *******,Rebecca [****@**********.com] Subject: HR Complaint - Action Meeting Required
****, This mail is to inform you of a HR complaint against you arising from Friday 3/21. It has been brought to the attention of the HR dept that you have been insensitive towards the lifestyle of another employee. Due to this being your 4th HR violation in 5 months, we are required to have an action meeting as per HR guidelines between yourself and the other party. This meeting is scheduled for 3/25 @ 10:15am, and will be mandatory. The results will be posted in your file for review by management. Thank you.
**** ******** Director of Human Resources
Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
11170
|
Posted - 2014.03.24 17:51:00 -
[19] - Quote
From: *****,**** [****@**********.com] Sent: Monday, March 24, 2014 8:54 AM To: Human Resources , **** [****@**********.com] Subject: Re: HR Complaint - Action Meeting Required
****, This mail is to inform you as to my rejection of your notion that I was insensitive towards BeckyGÇÖs lifestyle choices. You did want me to know it was Becky who made the complaint right? I mean, you DID CC her on my complaint mailGǪso Im guessing you either didnGÇÖt realize that the recipient can see the Cc..or you wanted me to know who did it. I donGÇÖt want to have a complaint against me for questioning your intelligence, so ill assume you wanted me to know. Moving on, as the event in question, I simply made a written warning that the pie was not Vegan and contained an animal product. If anything, I should be considered a hero in the eyes of Becky!
Now, lets talk about insensitivity towards lifestyles ok? As you may know, about 5 current employees including myself are living the GÇ£low-carbGÇ¥ lifestyle. We all find it to be incredibly insensitive that every day only insanely carb-rich breakroom foods are provided! The Banana Cream Pie that was the subject of the above is probably the highest carb pie ever! Did you hear us complaining? Nope. Do WE have to hear Becky complain about us eating Beef Jerky? YES! Could it kill this company to be sensitive to our needs? We have to make sure every single provided break room snack is Vegan, just for Becky, is it too much to ask that this company make the same concessions for us?
I also wanted to head off another complaint that may be incoming. I brought a bag of Teriyaki Flavored Beef Jerky for the Low Carb Crew (yep,were going to call ourselves that. Is that ok? If I need to file forms with HR, let me know, id hate for this thing to not be legit due to paperwork or technicalities.) and I plan to share it. We were planning on talking like we were badly dubbed actors in a Godzilla movie while eating it. Chuck will be joining us, so seeing him with us will probably make it ok with the other Asians in the building. We have done this before if you remember, and everyone joined in. We promise this time to NOT answer the phone using those voices, or throw papers in the air and run screaming down the hallways while pointing to the sky and shouting GÇ£GODZIRRA!GÇ¥ for the security cameras. So, pretty much wanted you to be aware in case Becky doesnGÇÖt like the fact that we would be eating Beef Jerky while this is going on.
Oh, 10:15am doesnGÇÖt work for me. Can we reschedule for like 11:15am? No reason, just want to see if thatGÇÖs possible. Im sure its possible, but its one of those things I have to see to believe.
**** ***** Supervisor, Section 2
Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Freshly Rolled Goodness
Science and Trade Institute Caldari State
6
|
Posted - 2014.03.24 18:14:00 -
[20] - Quote
Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: We were planning on talking like we were badly dubbed actors in a Godzilla movie while eating it. Chuck will be joining us, so seeing him with us will probably make it ok with the other Asians in the building. We have done this before if you remember, and everyone joined in. We promise this time to NOT answer the phone using those voices, or throw papers in the air and run screaming down the hallways while pointing to the sky and shouting GÇ£GODZIRRA!GÇ¥ for the security cameras.
How the **** are you still a supervisor? UAE with authority is a scary thought. |
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Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
11206
|
Posted - 2014.03.24 19:10:00 -
[21] - Quote
Freshly Rolled Goodness wrote:How the **** are you still a supervisor? UAE with authority is a scary thought.
What she neglects to say is that out of 4 "violations", 4 were thrown out due to my extreme use of common sense. Im not worried one bit, if it starts going badly, Ill just use my highsec miner entitlement whine voice and demand that we overhaul the whole companies policy around my lifestyle too, and make it so we all cant have nice things. Im sure it wont come to that. Can you imagine Low carb, sugar free, gluten free, tree nut free, no trans fat paleo vegan snacks in the break room? That would be the end of this thread!
Btw, im typing this with my arms tucked into my shirt sleeves so I look like a T-Rex and im making loud Wookie sounds. I don't know whats worse, the fact that the boss walked by looked at me and laughed, or the fact that he is now answering my Wookie calls with his own from his office... Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Bagrat Skalski
Poseidaon
1180
|
Posted - 2014.03.24 19:14:00 -
[22] - Quote
Unsuccessful At Everything wrote:Can you imagine Low carb, sugar free, gluten free, tree nut free, no trans fat paleo vegan snacks in the break room? That would be the end of this thread!
One particular kind of chips.
/thread? Edit signature? What's the point? |
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
6994
|
Posted - 2014.03.24 22:08:00 -
[23] - Quote
Awesome!
I like Haggis. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Carmen Electra - You are also on my block list. |
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
11247
|
Posted - 2014.03.25 19:13:00 -
[24] - Quote
Victory.
Another complaint down. Drowned by the liquid awesomeness that is common sense, and a large dose of someone making my point for me. My boss decided to sit in on my "Action Meeting" in leu of reviewing the file afterwards. I gave a 10 minute dissertation on the merits of HTFU, which he watched with interest. Becky, resident militant Vegan ***** (yes, I will be referring to her this way from now on, yes the whole thing, yes every single time) decided to showcase her angry vegan side when I mentioned Pork Rinds. Yep, Pork rinds, those deliciously fried bits of that wonderous bacon giving animal known as the pig! Who knew that those would be a red button topic for Becky resident militant vegan *****? All I did was ask if I could bring them as a snack for me and the Low Carb Crew (name approved, boss signed off, t-shirts shall be made, flags shall be raised), and she went off on me in front of the boss and HR lady. That pretty much right there got the complaint thrown out, and made my point. I love it when people do that. Kinda like highseccers if you think about it. Anyways, the HR lady is disgusted with me. She really thought she had me this time. She keeps walking by, sighing and giving me the stink-eye. I waved to Larry a couple times, which made her look at me funny. Its not Larry's fault that he grew out of such a *****'s neck. Im sure if Larry could talk, hed want to be separated from her. So HR lady, we are stuck together. Im staying because...well..im me..and slightly awesome (mostly in my own eyes, a little bit in my section's eyes), and shes staying because shes easy...and possibly sleeping with the boss. Its more possible now..he did stay in the HR office after the meeting and they closed the door for about 15 minutes. This will require a shot or three of mind bleach tonight... but that's tonight, for now is time for celebration! My friends, lift your bags of pork rinds , your bacon, your beef jerky, your veal filets......in VICTORY!
For those who wondered, Monday was Muffin Monday. Muffin Monday is never complete without a friend of mine..Mr Muffin. Mr Muffin came about because of the fact that I don't eat muffins..but still wanted to take one anyways. I now slice the top off, place googly eyes on him, flap his head and speak in ridiculous accents. Mr Muffin can be a prick at times. Its the poppy seeds. im almost sure of it. Mr Muffin was still sitting on my desk this morning, so we are all having to listen to Mr Muffin's stale jokes today. He re-enacted the French castle scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail this morning. Mr Muffin, you so crazy.
This has taken me entirely too long to write. So many distractions at work. Becky resident militant vegan ***** is still going off about her defeat in the HR battle arena. WE CAN HEAR YOU BECKY RESIDENT MILITANT VEGAN *****! She is like 2 offices over too...its got to be an air duct thing. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
6994
|
Posted - 2014.03.25 19:22:00 -
[25] - Quote
I want to meet Mr Muffin
I like Mr Muffin. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Carmen Electra - You are also on my block list. |
Freshly Rolled Goodness
Science and Trade Institute Caldari State
10
|
Posted - 2014.03.25 19:31:00 -
[26] - Quote
How are we just now finding out about Mr Muffin? |
jason hill
Caldari Provisions Caldari State
467
|
Posted - 2014.03.25 19:33:00 -
[27] - Quote
seems like becky the resident vegan ***** just needs a good stiff porking in my opinion .a useless looks like the chap to give her one |
Noxisia Arkana
Deadspace Knights
260
|
Posted - 2014.03.25 20:32:00 -
[28] - Quote
I wonder if you two are related: http://www.27bslash6.com/f26a.html
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Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
11272
|
Posted - 2014.03.25 20:39:00 -
[29] - Quote
Oh god... the Business Card one is going to happen...its going to happen so hard... You can have all my +1s today. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings? |
Noxisia Arkana
Deadspace Knights
262
|
Posted - 2014.03.25 20:40:00 -
[30] - Quote
He's pretty genius. I've embarrassed myself at work laughing at that blog. |
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