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The Office Diaries: By popular demand

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Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11041	Posted - 2014.03.20 19:30:00 - [1] - Quote At the request of several people, I will use this thread to regale the Eve-O forums citizens with pastry-related office shenanigans and HR lady related content. For some background, ill go ahead and post the other related posts on this so we can all start on the same page. Enjoy now delicious walls of organic text, meant to be read the way they are written, so you can feel my frustrations, and share in my joys. I hear there is cake in the break room. There is never any left when I get there. Stupid HR lady always take like half of it. Like she needs it. Shes one of those eats all day long and never gains a pound women. The main problem is that she knows it too. She constantly brags about it. I always walk by her desk and put salt on her food so that she retains water. Salt does that to women right? anyways, I hope she gets fat. Like TLC show morbidly obese fat. That will knock her down a peg. Really deflate her ego. Her husband wil probably divorce her for it too. That would be best for him anyways. Shes been cheating on him for like 3 years with the boss's son. The son is like 10 years younger than her too. I mean, all her husband has to do is check the kids facebook wall and he would catch his wife cheating on him. I guess hes one of those guys who doesn't have a facebook page, probably at her request. God I hate that women manipulate men like that. I guess that men manipulate women too though, so turnabout is fairplay. Although, the boss's son has the herp. Yep, he went all YOLO at college and caught it from this little blonde chick who he though was clean. Turned out she wasn't. Now were pretty sure the HR lady has it. She got to right? I mean, after 3 years, you totally gotta catch that stuff. I dug through her purse once while she was out to see if she was taking Valtrex, because that would totally confirm if she had it. I didn't find any though. She probably hiding it in her desk. That is always locked. I practiced picking the lock on my desk with 2 paperclips to prepare myself for the day when I mission impossible my ass over there and lockpick that drawer. I know theres something there I could use against her, or at least flame her to the whole office over. That will toally teach her for eating half my birthday cake last year. It was a good cake. It was lemon cake with lemon frosting. awesome. I love that combo. I took only a small piece hoping that I could come back later and get more, but that woman came in and literally plopped half the cake on a plate and went to her cubicle and ate it. I had hoped that she was allergic to lemon. Ugh she wasn't though. That wasa dumb thought...if she was allergic to lemon, she would know it..and not taken any of my cake! Anyways, if you've survived this far, I promise you, its almost over. Or is it? I mean, the counter says I have about 3600 characters left, So I could go on about the HR lady. There really is a lot to tell about her. I don't use facebook, or else id look her up and link her page here so you can picture what she looks like. She one of those pale people. and she has a mole on her neck. its one of those small moles, not one of those hairy potato moles that people get that have to be surgically removed. That would be gross. We would have to name it. I would totally name it larry. Larry the mole. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11041	Posted - 2014.03.20 19:30:00 - [2] - Quote Today, the HR lady brought in an Apple pie for everyone to share. Seriously. One pie for an entire office of like 40 people! Shes the HR lady..she knew this! Anyways, the apple pie situation has now degraded into a free for all of people just scooping spoonfuls and eating it. I have no clue if theyre double-dipping..but im sure Steve is. Steve is a bastard like that. This one time, Steve ate our diabetic front desk lady's emergency candybar..and when she went into a low blood sugar spell..she didn't have that candybar! Steve, if youre reading this, youre a douche. Anyways, there are now like 15 people int he break room who smell like pie, and like 20 others who didn't get any pie, and a damn near licked clean pie crust on the table. Part of me wants to take the pie crust and tin home and fill it with jello pudding and bring it back in tomorrow, and watch everyone eat licked crust pie. I wont eat it...but Ill know everyone else did. Afterwards ill tell them, and they'll never trust another pie in the break room ever again! Muwahahhaha! Ill get all the pie from now on! But wait...what if someone does the same thing to me? Oh..that would suck. Theres like 12 people here who have got the lip herp...eeew...I don't want to catch that from Cindy..shes nasty. Ill have to think this all through. Maybe ill attempt the orange dust covered Styrofoam packing peanuts again int he Cheetos bag...that went over pretty well last time. Kinda ** move on my part, but I laughed. I really sold the whole thing by walking out of the breakroom with a handful of real Cheetos so people all thought they were real. I still might do the pie thing tonight. Sounds like something I would do. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11041	Posted - 2014.03.20 19:31:00 - [3] - Quote Today was doughnut day! Theyre not especially good doughnuts, but I guess cheap doughnuts is better than no doughnuts..right? Anyways, the herd stampeded into the breakroom in order to go through doughnut thunderdome. 25 people enter...12 people leave..with doughnuts. Who the ** brings in a dozen doughnuts to an office this size?!!??! Seriously. It wasn't the HR lady. Shes off today. Probably herp related. I still want to find proof of that. Im not willing to find out the easy way..because im married, and frankly I don't want the herp. Yeah, im calling her easy. Its even worse now that the boss's son broke it off with her. She like a cat in heat..walking around, finding excuses to bend over and put her ass in peoples faces. It would be weird if she meowed though. She did dress as a sexy cat for holloween once. I guess in this case sexy would be subjective. That mole aint sexy. I started calling her mole Larry finally, and the nickname has caught on. We all say that "shes out with Larry" when people call he phone and shes out and about. The boss doesn't know the nickname thing, so hes always trying to catch Larry the supply manager with her, and no one wants to tell him who Larry really is, mostly because its funny to see him secret agenting around trying to catch them together. he thought he had her and him once...but it turned out Larry was dropping her off some letterhead and pens. HR lady goes through ALOT of pens. Im not sure if shes stealing them..but I think shes a pen-chewer..and that might explain it. Lupe the cleaning lady throws away chewed pens, so that might explain it too. Lupe might be OCD. I like Lupe. I took Lupe to lunch once, and instantly rumors flew about us having an affair. The rumors got really bad, and they drug us both into HR mediation to resolve a non-issue. I think its funny that the lady who is notorious for fraternizing is in charge of finding out if we were fraternizing..which is oddly a fireable offense. Wait...then why hasn't the HR lady been fired... OOOhhhhh I bet shes now sleeping with the boss! EEEwwwwww! she was sleeping with his son! Gross. Unless hes into that... its gonna take a bottle of mind wipe to get that image out of my head. Anyways, im glad I didn't go for the doughnuts. Doug just walked by holding his nose. Doughnut Thunderdome must have gone bad today. I bet Alice threw an elbow. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Desivo Delta Visseroff Cataclysmic Paradox 145	Posted - 2014.03.20 19:45:00 - [4] - Quote First, Read it all & Subscribed!
Khergit Deserters Crom's Angels 2898	Posted - 2014.03.20 19:59:00 - [5] - Quote +1, +1 and +1 Anyone who has ever worked in an office or been in a break room food riot should read this. P.S. Is it universally true that HR people are generally the dumbest and possibly meanest people in every office? Or has that just been my own personal experience/bad luck?
Desivo Delta Visseroff Cataclysmic Paradox 145	Posted - 2014.03.20 20:05:00 - [6] - Quote I never touch the free break room food. You never know who stuck their **** in the mashed potatoes. ....... I know
Freshly Rolled Goodness Science and Trade Institute Caldari State 1	Posted - 2014.03.20 20:26:00 - [7] - Quote I never post on the forums, but in this case I had to. This is a work of literary excellence! I have subscribed and cant wait until tomorrow! There will be another one tomorrow, right?
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11053	Posted - 2014.03.20 20:28:00 - [8] - Quote Freshly Rolled Goodness wrote: I never post on the forums, but in this case I had to. This is a work of literary excellence! I have subscribed and cant wait until tomorrow! There will be another one tomorrow, right? Tommorow is Friday Pie-day...so hopefully . *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 6960	Posted - 2014.03.20 20:29:00 - [9] - Quote Desivo Delta Visseroff wrote: I never touch the free break room food. You never know who stuck their **** in the mashed potatoes. ....... I know you get free Mash at work??? Nice thread UAE I like Snow. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Carmen Electra - You are also on my block list.
Random McNally Rifterlings Point Blank Alliance 55734	Posted - 2014.03.21 13:54:00 - [10] - Quote stands and applauds Bravo sir, bravo! Will continue to read. Curious as to the shenanigans regarding Pieday-Friday. Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11081	Posted - 2014.03.21 15:43:00 - [11] - Quote I hate Fridays. Fridays here are the new Mondays. Seriously. Fridays are traditionally stressful around these parts. high powered deals go through on Friday that are usually started on Monday. You know whats worse? Fridays got so bad, that the boss hired a consultant to find and fix the problems. So this granola eating sandal wearing hippie comes in and determines that we need some kind of relaxation and team building excercises to start the day off on Friday. Now, we start the day off with yoga breathing and a team trust thingy. ** you hippy. just. . you. I have decided to counteract this calming effect..because im an ass. My weapon of choice this morning? Funions. The entire office (minus me) hates Funions. In an office this size youd think that statistically someone else would like them..but they don't. So I came in early this morning and placed a funion on every single peg on top of our cubicles. it took 2 full bags and 2 pilfered bags from the vending machines to blanket the entire office in them. I showed up really early in order to do this. crazy early. I didn't want anyone to know I did it. The office now REEKS of Funions. *** REEKS of *** FUNIONS. horribly. So after our morning of relaxing yoga and several failed trust falls (I aint catching Rhonda...shes BIG), we emerged into the noxious fog of Funion Chemical warfare. Now everyone is accusing everyone else of doing it. People are finding funions all over the place, a couple have been thrown (maybe by me...maybe not). Mission accomplished. Part two of my plan invoved a simple index card, which I folded in half and wrote "this pie contains lard." on. This folded card was placed in front of the Banana Cream Pie on the break room table when no one was looking. The militant Vegan timebomb has been set. 20 minutes later, Becky (resident militant vegan *) throws a fit over the insensitivity to her lifestyle. Shes still going off about it! Im in tears from laughing, Steve is on the floor gasping for air, Doug is about dying in his office. Everyone knows the pie was Vegan (because of Becky...that *.), everyone knows that I put the card there...No one is telling Becky. Im wondering how much longer ill let this go on..... I might grab a spoon and grab some pie, and make a comment about tasting the cruelty. That always goes well. Im starting to wonder If im a bad person, but dammit, this is worth it. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Freshly Rolled Goodness Science and Trade Institute Caldari State 3	Posted - 2014.03.21 17:02:00 - [12] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Part two of my plan invoved a simple index card, which I folded in half and wrote "this pie contains lard." on. This folded card was placed in front of the Banana Cream Pie on the break room table when no one was looking. The militant Vegan timebomb has been set.
Slade Trillgon Brutor Force Federated 2626	Posted - 2014.03.21 17:09:00 - [13] - Quote This has potential of being an Epic thread! Many laughs to had the the expense of unknown others! +1000
Khergit Deserters Crom's Angels 2903	Posted - 2014.03.21 17:29:00 - [14] - Quote Freshly Rolled Goodness wrote: Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Part two of my plan invoved a simple index card, which I folded in half and wrote "this pie contains lard." on. This folded card was placed in front of the Banana Cream Pie on the break room table when no one was looking. The militant Vegan timebomb has been set. This time, it's the pie that's a lie.
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 6967	Posted - 2014.03.21 19:42:00 - [15] - Quote Slade Trillgon wrote: This has potential of being an Epic thread! Many laughs to had the the expense of unknown others! +1000 Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Carmen Electra - You are also on my block list.
Desivo Delta Visseroff Cataclysmic Paradox 147	Posted - 2014.03.21 20:21:00 - [16] - Quote I'm trying to laugh silently in my cubicle, but I end up sounding like crazed madman with breathing problems. This thread FOREVER
Random McNally Rifterlings Point Blank Alliance 55967	Posted - 2014.03.24 13:44:00 - [17] - Quote Slade Trillgon wrote: This has potential of being an Epic thread! Many laughs to had the the expense of unknown others! +1000 Oh so much of this. Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11170	Posted - 2014.03.24 17:50:00 - [18] - Quote Ill just leave this here. From: Human Resources , ** [@******.com] Sent: Monday, March 24, 2014 8:43 AM To: *, [@******.com] Cc: ***,Rebecca [@******.com] Subject: HR Complaint - Action Meeting Required , This mail is to inform you of a HR complaint against you arising from Friday 3/21. It has been brought to the attention of the HR dept that you have been insensitive towards the lifestyle of another employee. Due to this being your 4th HR violation in 5 months, we are required to have an action meeting as per HR guidelines between yourself and the other party. This meeting is scheduled for 3/25 @ 10:15am, and will be mandatory. The results will be posted in your file for review by management. Thank you. **** Director of Human Resources Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11170	Posted - 2014.03.24 17:51:00 - [19] - Quote From: ***, [@******.com] Sent: Monday, March 24, 2014 8:54 AM To: Human Resources , [@******.com] Subject: Re: HR Complaint - Action Meeting Required , This mail is to inform you as to my rejection of your notion that I was insensitive towards BeckyGÇÖs lifestyle choices. You did want me to know it was Becky who made the complaint right? I mean, you DID CC her on my complaint mailGÇªso Im guessing you either didnGÇÖt realize that the recipient can see the Cc..or you wanted me to know who did it. I donGÇÖt want to have a complaint against me for questioning your intelligence, so ill assume you wanted me to know. Moving on, as the event in question, I simply made a written warning that the pie was not Vegan and contained an animal product. If anything, I should be considered a hero in the eyes of Becky! Now, lets talk about insensitivity towards lifestyles ok? As you may know, about 5 current employees including myself are living the GÇ£low-carbGÇ¥ lifestyle. We all find it to be incredibly insensitive that every day only insanely carb-rich breakroom foods are provided! The Banana Cream Pie that was the subject of the above is probably the highest carb pie ever! Did you hear us complaining? Nope. Do WE have to hear Becky complain about us eating Beef Jerky? YES! Could it kill this company to be sensitive to our needs? We have to make sure every single provided break room snack is Vegan, just for Becky, is it too much to ask that this company make the same concessions for us? I also wanted to head off another complaint that may be incoming. I brought a bag of Teriyaki Flavored Beef Jerky for the Low Carb Crew (yep,were going to call ourselves that. Is that ok? If I need to file forms with HR, let me know, id hate for this thing to not be legit due to paperwork or technicalities.) and I plan to share it. We were planning on talking like we were badly dubbed actors in a Godzilla movie while eating it. Chuck will be joining us, so seeing him with us will probably make it ok with the other Asians in the building. We have done this before if you remember, and everyone joined in. We promise this time to NOT answer the phone using those voices, or throw papers in the air and run screaming down the hallways while pointing to the sky and shouting GÇ£GODZIRRA!GÇ¥ for the security cameras. So, pretty much wanted you to be aware in case Becky doesnGÇÖt like the fact that we would be eating Beef Jerky while this is going on. Oh, 10:15am doesnGÇÖt work for me. Can we reschedule for like 11:15am? No reason, just want to see if thatGÇÖs possible. Im sure its possible, but its one of those things I have to see to believe. * Supervisor, Section 2 Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Freshly Rolled Goodness Science and Trade Institute Caldari State 6	Posted - 2014.03.24 18:14:00 - [20] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: We were planning on talking like we were badly dubbed actors in a Godzilla movie while eating it. Chuck will be joining us, so seeing him with us will probably make it ok with the other Asians in the building. We have done this before if you remember, and everyone joined in. We promise this time to NOT answer the phone using those voices, or throw papers in the air and run screaming down the hallways while pointing to the sky and shouting GÇ£GODZIRRA!GÇ¥ for the security cameras. How the **** are you still a supervisor? UAE with authority is a scary thought.
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11206	Posted - 2014.03.24 19:10:00 - [21] - Quote Freshly Rolled Goodness wrote: How the ** are you still a supervisor? UAE with authority is a scary thought. What she neglects to say is that out of 4 "violations", 4 were thrown out due to my extreme use of common sense. Im not worried one bit, if it starts going badly, Ill just use my highsec miner entitlement whine voice and demand that we overhaul the whole companies policy around my lifestyle too, and make it so we all cant have nice things. Im sure it wont come to that. Can you imagine Low carb, sugar free, gluten free, tree nut free, no trans fat paleo vegan snacks in the break room? That would be the end of this thread! Btw, im typing this with my arms tucked into my shirt sleeves so I look like a T-Rex and im making loud Wookie sounds. I don't know whats worse, the fact that the boss walked by looked at me and laughed, or the fact that he is now answering my Wookie calls with his own from his office... Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Bagrat Skalski Poseidaon 1180	Posted - 2014.03.24 19:14:00 - [22] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Can you imagine Low carb, sugar free, gluten free, tree nut free, no trans fat paleo vegan snacks in the break room? That would be the end of this thread! One particular kind of chips. /thread? Edit signature? What's the point?
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 6994	Posted - 2014.03.24 22:08:00 - [23] - Quote Awesome! I like Haggis. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Carmen Electra - You are also on my block list.
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11247	Posted - 2014.03.25 19:13:00 - [24] - Quote Victory. Another complaint down. Drowned by the liquid awesomeness that is common sense, and a large dose of someone making my point for me. My boss decided to sit in on my "Action Meeting" in leu of reviewing the file afterwards. I gave a 10 minute dissertation on the merits of HTFU, which he watched with interest. Becky, resident militant Vegan *** (yes, I will be referring to her this way from now on, yes the whole thing, yes every single time) decided to showcase her angry vegan side when I mentioned Pork Rinds. Yep, Pork rinds, those deliciously fried bits of that wonderous bacon giving animal known as the pig! Who knew that those would be a red button topic for Becky resident militant vegan *? All I did was ask if I could bring them as a snack for me and the Low Carb Crew (name approved, boss signed off, t-shirts shall be made, flags shall be raised), and she went off on me in front of the boss and HR lady. That pretty much right there got the complaint thrown out, and made my point. I love it when people do that. Kinda like highseccers if you think about it. Anyways, the HR lady is disgusted with me. She really thought she had me this time. She keeps walking by, sighing and giving me the stink-eye. I waved to Larry a couple times, which made her look at me funny. Its not Larry's fault that he grew out of such a *'s neck. Im sure if Larry could talk, hed want to be separated from her. So HR lady, we are stuck together. Im staying because...well..im me..and slightly awesome (mostly in my own eyes, a little bit in my section's eyes), and shes staying because shes easy...and possibly sleeping with the boss. Its more possible now..he did stay in the HR office after the meeting and they closed the door for about 15 minutes. This will require a shot or three of mind bleach tonight... but that's tonight, for now is time for celebration! My friends, lift your bags of pork rinds , your bacon, your beef jerky, your veal filets......in VICTORY! For those who wondered, Monday was Muffin Monday. Muffin Monday is never complete without a friend of mine..Mr Muffin. Mr Muffin came about because of the fact that I don't eat muffins..but still wanted to take one anyways. I now slice the top off, place googly eyes on him, flap his head and speak in ridiculous accents. Mr Muffin can be a prick at times. Its the poppy seeds. im almost sure of it. Mr Muffin was still sitting on my desk this morning, so we are all having to listen to Mr Muffin's stale jokes today. He re-enacted the French castle scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail this morning. Mr Muffin, you so crazy. This has taken me entirely too long to write. So many distractions at work. Becky resident militant vegan * is still going off about her defeat in the HR battle arena. WE CAN HEAR YOU BECKY RESIDENT MILITANT VEGAN *! She is like 2 offices over too...its got to be an air duct thing. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 6994	Posted - 2014.03.25 19:22:00 - [25] - Quote I want to meet Mr Muffin I like Mr Muffin. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Carmen Electra - You are also on my block list.
Freshly Rolled Goodness Science and Trade Institute Caldari State 10	Posted - 2014.03.25 19:31:00 - [26] - Quote How are we just now finding out about Mr Muffin?
jason hill Caldari Provisions Caldari State 467	Posted - 2014.03.25 19:33:00 - [27] - Quote seems like becky the resident vegan ***** just needs a good stiff porking in my opinion .a useless looks like the chap to give her one
Noxisia Arkana Deadspace Knights 260	Posted - 2014.03.25 20:32:00 - [28] - Quote I wonder if you two are related: http://www.27bslash6.com/f26a.html
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11272	Posted - 2014.03.25 20:39:00 - [29] - Quote Noxisia Arkana wrote: I wonder if you two are related: http://www.27bslash6.com/f26a.html Oh god... the Business Card one is going to happen...its going to happen so hard... You can have all my +1s today. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Noxisia Arkana Deadspace Knights 262	Posted - 2014.03.25 20:40:00 - [30] - Quote He's pretty genius. I've embarrassed myself at work laughing at that blog.
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11505	Posted - 2014.03.27 17:14:00 - [31] - Quote Doughnut Thunderdome: The most holy of group combat. Today, 2 boxes of those fried rings of deliciousness appeared in the arena. Encouraged by the increased bounty, more contestants entered the fray. The Crew and I sat back and watched in horror (and a little curiosity) as the battle ensued. Elbows were thrown, arguments were had, and the doughnuts were devoured by what I can only describe as human squirrels...hunched over in protective stances in corners of the room. How can we call ourselves civilized when simply pastries turn us into animals? Steve (alpha douche) made off with 2 doughnuts...the maple bars... debatably the most coveted of doughnut treasures...and is now in his cubicle..gloating over his prizes. I can hear whispers of a raiding party coming from my right.... from Rhonda's cubicle... We may have more action on the horizon. The raiding party has departed its base... its the entirety of Section 3! Run Steve! Youre outnumbered! Its too late... his cubicle is surrounded.... demands are being made. Steve is looking like a trapped animal. His exits are blocked. Rhonda demands the doughnut...Steve counters with a comment about Rhonda's weight. Bad move Steve....HR complaint incoming. Steve has a hostage! Hes threatening now to lick the doughnut! The raiding party is looking at each other.... this just got more complicated. Steve demands something... A HELLO KITTY POSTER! Excellent move Steve... Rhonda cannot stand Hello Kitty... Negotiations are ongoing about the size of said poster and content... An accord has been reached! The maple bar..for a medium sized very colorful Hello Kitty poster to be purchased during lunchtime from Walmart. Handshakes have been made, doughnuts have gone unlicked...and Section 3 retreats back to their domain...Maple bar in hand. The precious is too alluring! Section 3 has erupted into internal strife! Who gets how much of the precious!?!?!? Weight comments have been made! More HR complaints incoming! Voices are raised...the pack is turning on its leader! RHONDA HAS ALREADY HAD A DOUGHNUT!!!!! Greed! The Section 3 underlings have turned on their pack leader. The doughnut has been snatched... and divided evenly. Rhonda is pissed. Steve is reminding Rhonda from across the room about the deal... ITS OFF! THE DEAL IS OFF! Steve is now very upset...the accord has been breached...there will be blood.... We are less than 4 hours into the workday. Dictators have been toppled, wars have been fought... and soon..Steve will have his revenge.... *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Trii Seo Sabotage Incorporated Executive Outcomes 552	Posted - 2014.03.28 11:24:00 - [32] - Quote Lost it at "Doughnut Thunderdome". Now people are looking at me funny. Is it Hotdrop O'Clock yet? Covert pilots unite! Safer working conditions, less accidental limb loss due to unfortunate Cyno accidents! https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=258986
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 111840	Posted - 2014.03.28 11:40:00 - [33] - Quote How the hell did i miss this thread? UAE I am half tempted to hire you as professional office s*t stirrer. The antics alone are worth it. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara* "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commisar Kate
Bobble Hat Federal Navy Academy Gallente Federation 1834	Posted - 2014.03.28 11:57:00 - [34] - Quote I approve of this Threadnaught! Marcus Gord wrote: Bobble, please get out of my head... Bobble Hat wrote: But it's so nice and warm in here wiggles
Mizhir Euphoria Released Triumvirate. 60278	Posted - 2014.03.28 12:16:00 - [35] - Quote WTF What kind of place are you working at? It is worse than politics and kindergarten combined. One Man Crew - Collective solo pvp
Samoth Egnoled 41467	Posted - 2014.03.28 12:41:00 - [36] - Quote Oh this made my morning at work. Ego Sum Mortem Incarnatum - I Am Death Incarnate
Marcus Gord Stormcrows 48257	Posted - 2014.03.28 13:23:00 - [37] - Quote this is a superb thread! it's good for practicing my poker face, trying not to laugh at work when i'm supposed to be working. You can't take the sky from me ".....Storm'd at with shot and shell, Boldly they rode and well....."
Random McNally Rifterlings Point Blank Alliance 57061	Posted - 2014.03.28 13:51:00 - [38] - Quote Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11620	Posted - 2014.03.28 19:14:00 - [39] - Quote Welcome to Pie-day. Its apple today. I love apple pie...but this time...its dutch apple pie..and I am not a fan of the crumbly top. GIVE ME TOP CRUST...OR GIVE ME...Some other form of top crusted apple pie. DAMN YOU CRUMBLY STUFF! Ruined my morning has become! Its smells so good... it was made this morning...so its fresh..and its delightful aroma wafts through the catacombs of cubicleville.... Now you may be asking yourself...why is there no stampede? Steve (douche) is the reason. Steve is why we cant have nice things. Steves revenge wasn't against Rhonda..but everyone! Everyone who wanted dutch apple pie that is... After yesterdays pastry hostage crisis, and subsequent betrayal of Hello Kitty poster promises.. Steve this morning decided to race from our Friday morning relaxation and teambuilding exercises..straight to the break room. Standing atop the breakroom table in front of the mases drawn by the smell of deliciousness...Steve proceeded to hold the pie, and recite the entirety of "Little jack Horner", and at the appropriate moment..licked his thumb..and stuck it dead center in the pie! Forever tainted that pie has become! Now, the pie sits on the table... with only the thumb hole as any evidence that it has been touched. The smell, forever taunting us with treasures we dare not touch. Damn you Steve, you magnificent douche. Rhonda was not spared personally from retribution. Her mouse was defiled. The ball removed, and a fake eyeball inserted instead. When Rhonda went to look at the ball to see why it wasn't working.. she shrieked in horror to find the mouse staring back at her! Fantastic! No! No! Noooooo! IT JUST GAVE HER A NEW WIRELESS MOUSE. IT guy...we are not going to be friends.. first your refusal to give me new monitors when mine are tainted by coffee...now...this. There is a war now on the horizon. Section 3 is planning a counter strike over the defiling of the pie. I am planning my attack on IT... the battle ....promises to be a bloody one. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Trii Seo Sabotage Incorporated Executive Outcomes 553	Posted - 2014.03.28 19:53:00 - [40] - Quote Beware the elder IT monks wielding CAT5 cable whips. I'm not sure if that's genuine material or a damn brilliant scheme but it's making laughter increasingly hard to control. Is it Hotdrop O'Clock yet? Covert pilots unite! Safer working conditions, less accidental limb loss due to unfortunate Cyno accidents! https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=258986
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 7038	Posted - 2014.03.28 20:33:00 - [41] - Quote Awesome, this thread is!! I like Glomps. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Carmen Electra - You are also on my block list. Mr Epeen for CSM9
Tyra Falco Hugbox Holdings 1102	Posted - 2014.03.29 10:41:00 - [42] - Quote Thanks for sharing such brilliant stories UAE, this thread brightens my day Tollen Gallen wrote: Awesome, this thread is!! I like Glomps. Glomps Tollen Samoth Egnoled --á 'I like your Avatar alot!-áThe facial tattoo's kinda give you that scary clown look, which suits you quite well.'
Mizhir Euphoria Released Triumvirate. 60294	Posted - 2014.03.29 10:53:00 - [43] - Quote Tyra Falco wrote: Thanks for sharing such brilliant stories UAE, this thread brightens my day Tollen Gallen wrote: Awesome, this thread is!! I like Glomps. Glomps Tollen Multiglomp One Man Crew - Collective solo pvp
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 7038	Posted - 2014.03.29 11:01:00 - [44] - Quote Mizhir wrote: Tyra Falco wrote: Thanks for sharing such brilliant stories UAE, this thread brightens my day Tollen Gallen wrote: Awesome, this thread is!! I like Glomps. Glomps Tollen Multiglomp Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Carmen Electra - You are also on my block list. Mr Epeen for CSM9
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11670	Posted - 2014.03.31 18:35:00 - [45] - Quote The rise and fall of Mr T Muffin. Today is a sad day for the office. We have lost the best salesman of our section...Mr T. Muffin. Cut down in his prime by the vile gangster Rhonda the Hutt. 4 hours earlier..... Pretend we did a flashback there. Muffin Monday started like any other....a mad dash for the muffins. The poppy seed ones were all gone..all that was left were chocolate. Immeadiately... section 2 swung into action, crafting a Mohawk. Mr T Muffin was born! After a quick training session, Mr T. Muffin was set to work pittying the foos and searching for golden objects to adourn his necklace. The phone rang while Mr T Muffin was explaining to someone why he was afraid of flying. A client was on his way up to see me...and this contract was crucial to section 2's numbers! Section 2 and 3 were in competition for this contract..so completing it was important. Without it...we could not have victory dances in section 3's face! Mr T Muffin decided to sit on the sidelines and watch the master at work. After 2 hours...the deal was closed. Not by my hand..by Mr T Muffin's! The client saw him sitting on the shelf, and had to know what the deal was. Mr T Muffin explained his background, and how he was now an underground mercenary for hire. The client loved him. Thank you Mr T Muffin! After the client left, Mr T Muffin and Section 2 decided on a group victory dance, complete with Tebowing and spiking of a nerf football (which we have for this very reason!). Mr T Muffin told Rhonda the Hutt (best nickname ever) that he pittied her (and section 3 by proxy). Then it happened... Rhonda the Hutt reached up and ripped the head off of Mr. T Muffin...and ATE IT!!!!!!!! OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!! MAN DOWN!!!!!! MAN DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!! MEDIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stay with me Mr T. Muffin... Stay with me! Section 2 medics could do little to save the decapitated Mr T Muffin. A head transplant was attempted..but the donor head was incompatable, and Mr T. Muffin passed away on the operating table. We pulled the napkin over his body and said our goodbyes. He was a great salesman. Perhaps, even the best there ever was (minus me of course....). So today, Section 2 mourns its dead. But we take comfort in the fact that Mr T Muffin had friends in the office..who are now allies. The forces of Rhonda the Hutt will be outmatched...and we will have our revenge..... *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 7253	Posted - 2014.03.31 19:42:00 - [46] - Quote o7 Mr T Muffin. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Carmen Electra - You are also on my block list. Mr Epeen for CSM9
Samoth Egnoled 41714	Posted - 2014.04.01 06:43:00 - [47] - Quote R.I.P Mr T Muffin. He's Pittying Foos in heaven now. Ego Sum Mortem Incarnatum - I Am Death Incarnate
Random McNally Rifterlings Point Blank Alliance 57625	Posted - 2014.04.01 11:24:00 - [48] - Quote Mr. T. Muffin was a service vet, yes? Taps and honor guard requested Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11712	Posted - 2014.04.01 19:33:00 - [49] - Quote I am at a loss today. Its April 1st.. Everyone is looking at me today. I mean EVERYONE. They think there is something up. Pastries went unmolested this morning, everyone computers worked correctly, words were not said when clear opening for snarky remarks presented themselves.. Everyone is on edge. This is my day to shine..and they know it.... I pretty much haven't done anything but work this morning..and that's odd for me. Ive barely talked to the rest of section 2....which is very very odd. I can see why people are nervous. Section 3 searched their cubicles thoroughly this morning for pranks..only to find none. I find a strange sense of empowerment. Have I terrorized the office to the point where they believe that ive done something..eventhough I haven't? I woke up this morning with a distinct lack of give-a-**. I should be super excited today. Has Mr T. Muffin's assassination at the hands of Rhonda the Hutt got me down? I just don't know whats wrong with me today. I guess everyone is entitled to an off day now and then... But still... its kinda creeping me out. Even the boss has come by and nervously looked at me. I walk to the copier..and peoples eyes are following me. I post todays sheets on the board...my every move is watched. I place requests in inboxes...people scoot back. I sit here...typing and eating my lunch... and there is silence. Little to no work has been done by the other sections. The bosss hasn't even done anything. Its like the entire office floor is waiting for the shoe to drop. Perhaps this may be the best Aprils fools day prank ever... me not doing anything..at all....for once. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11746	Posted - 2014.04.02 16:41:00 - [50] - Quote From: *****,* [*@******.com] <----- Bossman Sent: Wednesday, April 2, 2014 9:05 AM To: *, [@******.com] Subject: FW: Policy Violation, Section 2 FYI. Please tell me this is a joke. * *** Manager, Floor 4 From: **, [@******.com] <----- IT Guy Sent: Wednesday, April 2, 2014 8:51 AM To: ***,* [*@******.com] <----- Bossman Subject: Policy Violation, Section 2 Yesterday we investigated a large amount of network traffic through company servers. It appears that Section 2 downloaded approx. 950mb of files. Further investigation revealed that the files had to do with a game called Goat Simulator. It appears that Section 2 has downloaded an online gaming client known as Steam, and has been playing games on company hardware during business hours. This constitutes a violation of policy on behalf of Section 2. Logs are showing that this Goat Simulator was played for more than 5 hours yesterday. I've decided to bypass official channels because Section 2 is directly under your supervision, and the person mainly involved is *, Section 2 Supervisor. Please have a talk with him, and ask that he removes the Goat Simulator from his machine. Please do not mention my name when you talk to him. He has used the word Wrath a lot in past conversations, and I would like to avoid his wrath if at all possible. **** IT Manager Ive yet to decide how I will respond to Mr IT network .... rest assured that I will use the work WRATH a lot. BTW...Goat Simulator is fun, and a great way to pass the time when bored at work. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Bagrat Skalski Poseidaon 1225	Posted - 2014.04.02 16:55:00 - [51] - Quote I have been playing CoH and Oblivion and Morrowind and many online games in my work, in free time. Then some new IT guy completely freaked out and decided he will be a SS- Sturmbannf++hrer Must Knowitall. Gaming was over. I know how you feel now. When weapons, technology, and economies mature faster than the leadership culture entrusted with them, disaster ensues.
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 7281	Posted - 2014.04.02 17:50:00 - [52] - Quote Wrath! may contain naughty words UAE vs IT Guy I like Milk. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Carmen Electra - You are also on my block list. Mr Epeen for CSM9
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11751	Posted - 2014.04.02 18:32:00 - [53] - Quote From: ***, [@******.com] Sent: Wednesday, April 2, 2014 10:21 AM To: **, [@******.com] <----- IT Guy Subject: Re: Policy Violation, Section 2 The dictionary defines wrath as vengeance or punishment as the consequence of anger, or strong, stern, or fierce anger; deeply resentful indignation; ire. I like to think of wrath more like revenge, only instead of being served cold, wrath would be microwaved for about 45 seconds so that its not cold, but not yet room temperature..and possibly with one or two burning hot edges. There are so many examples of wrath, many famous like The Wrath of Khan, or The Grapes of Wrath, and some slightly less famous, like the supervillain Wrath from Batman. Id sometimes like you to regard me as the later, although marooning you on Ceti Alpha 5 seems to be an appropriate response to the loss of Goat Simulator..so maybe you can call me KHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN!!!!! I want you to think of my wrath as a wool sweater..with no undershirt. I want my wrath to make you itch all over if you get a little sweaty.. That sounded dirty. Dirty like my wrath will be. Perhaps I will invent a weather machine and recreate the dust bowlGÇªand when you and your family move to Californy, you can feel my wrath thereGÇª. You know me..that one is entirely possible. I wont tell you anything specific about my wrathGÇªbesides the specific examples Ive already provided. I want your imagination to run wild with my wrath. Think of all the horrible, yet well within the bounds of company rules things that I can do to youGÇª THINK ABOUT IT!!!! Maybe im standing behind you right nowGÇªwatching you while you read this..waiting to wrath you. Did that make you look? Im sure it did. I doubt I would have time to run down to your floor and silently creep into your office while you read this..just so that I could do that. But you believe that I could..donGÇÖt you? DONGÇÖT YOU!?!??!?! Anyways, to reiterate, wrath, microwaved, feel it, dust bowl, KHAAAAN!, batman villain, itchy sweater, standing behind you, meow, wrath. Did I mention wrath in there? If not, wrath. * Section 2 Supervisor Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Freshly Rolled Goodness Science and Trade Institute Caldari State 11	Posted - 2014.04.02 19:19:00 - [54] - Quote What did I just read?
Samoth Egnoled 42015	Posted - 2014.04.03 06:11:00 - [55] - Quote You just read awesomeness concentrated into bitesized post form. Reminds me of a more outlandish and funnier Dilbert. Ego Sum Mortem Incarnatum - I Am Death Incarnate
Khergit Deserters Crom's Angels 2979	Posted - 2014.04.03 15:22:00 - [56] - Quote Late comment to the April Fool's Day entry: You kind of AFK cloaked them there, UAE.
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 7300	Posted - 2014.04.03 17:05:00 - [57] - Quote Posting in a now "nerf high sec thread". I like Missiles. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Tinker derFleissige Sabotage Incorporated Executive Outcomes 1	Posted - 2014.04.05 09:41:00 - [58] - Quote Sounds like a good opportunity to do the business card thing and entitle him Goat or something.
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11870	Posted - 2014.04.05 20:24:00 - [59] - Quote I will start by apologizing for missing the pie-day update. Its not all fun and games...and wrath. Sometimes..its actual work. I know..sucks to be me. Im up for a promotion over the large account deal I closed on Monday, and there is paperwork to be done. But dont think I let the IT guy off the hook... you see...today was my Saturday to come in for a half day. Half day Saturdays are the most relaxing thing ever. Its a skeleton crew in here...which means two things. One, I could attempt to break into the HR ladies drawers (remove mind from gutter...could not pay me to go there) and find for certain if the herp exists...maybe. It all depends on whether or not shes the kind of person who would keep Valtrex in her desk... im sure she is... we must know... so much money is riding on this. Yes...there is a betting pool on HR lady herpes... its up to 240 some odd dollars dollars... I am determined to win this... I have practiced on my desk lock with paperclips in preparation... But it feels wrong to do it without the rest of my Impossible Mission team (that would be the other guys in section 2.. they dont do much except make bird sounds when someones coming, and they do an AWESOME a capella version of the Mission Impossible theme..which is crucial to any secret mission). I think we will wait until her next day off, this is not a solo operation... Second... it gave me time to ** with the IT manager. So far, I have changed his desktop to a picture of a goat, and all his windows sounds have been changed to goat bleating... im in the process of finding other goat related material on the internet. Ive set up my computer so that I can print to both his wireless printer and the IT office's network printer...and I have a large variety of goat pictures set to be printed out as well as several long articles on goats and goat husbandry ready. Some are over 50 pages long.. I will need a muffin sidekick on Monday to help me press the button..because I think ill be laughing too much. We can use the muffin as a scapegoat (pun intended) if it gets out of hand (which it will). I may stop at Kinkos on my way home and see if they can print me out a large goat poster today... Im off to buy Lupe lunch today. She had to come in and clean while I was working. She has personally approved all goat related materials, now were off to a little Mexican restaurant that serves as she puts it "the best cabrito al pastor she has ever tasted". I didn't think it would be possible to squeeze any more goaty goodness into today..but apparently im about to be wrong. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Samoth Egnoled 42371	Posted - 2014.04.07 06:07:00 - [60] - Quote Great read, I hope you know i came onto the forums on Friday expecting an update... I was dissapointed. However the epiphony of Goat Simulator more than makes up for lack of funnies for me to read at work. Ego Sum Mortem Incarnatum - I Am Death Incarnate
Mizhir Euphoria Released Triumvirate. 60463	Posted - 2014.04.07 13:08:00 - [61] - Quote Have you considered hiring this guy? One Man Crew - Collective solo pvp
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11920	Posted - 2014.04.07 22:04:00 - [62] - Quote Sometimes there are unintended victims of wrath. This is unavoidable. Wrath isn't a precision weapon, its like a shotgun. In this case...a shotgun full of goats. For this, Larry the office supply guy..has earned my apologies..and a free coffee gift card. Congrats Larry, you've earned it. Now get your ass back in there and refill that printer! I will not let Mrs F. Rumosa Gwaze's doctoral thesis on Communal Production Systems of Goats Raised by Resource-Farmers in the Eastern Cape Province of South Africa be stopped at page 57 of 217! Wrath hath no supply shortages! Yes, this will be the third time you've refilled it..get in there soldier! Mr IT Manager refuses to refill it anymore..were counting on you! The IT office's printers have been going all day. I don't know what those printer cartridges are made of...but whoever made them..bravo! There are pages all over the floor. partly due to the IT manager getting fed up and throwing them before going on a long break, partly because some wrathful ** took all the page trays off the printers..so the pages just spill out onto the floor. Im really glad that IT sprung for those six thousand dollar printers. They hold so much paper! Youd think that it would be easy to clear a printer queue on one of those.. you would be wrong, dead wrong. Did you know that the printer queue memory persists after you unplug and plug the machine back in? I didn't..and apparently neither did Mr IT Manager. You are just awful at your job..I said it. Muwahahahaaaaa! A surrender offer has been emailed... Lets see if Mr IT manager can admit his mistake, and provide me with a subway giftcard for exactly $5.44 so that tomorrow I may feast in victory upon a Spicy Italian Sandwich and a large Iced Tea! Your move IT guy... Mr Michael J Muffin awaits your response... So now, Mr Michael J Muffin slowly vibrates around the table...as if pacing back and forth. Partly because hes impatient..partly because of the small battery powered vibrating kids toys I found in the parking lot that now resides in his hollowed out innerds. It just seemed fitting that Michael J Muffin be made out of bran..because not many people are finding the joke tasteful...and we all know there isn't anything more tasteless than a bran muffin. Larry will be providing me with an invoice for the paper im using. No one will say that im wasting company supplies this time, for they are mine..all mine... as is revenge.. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 7435	Posted - 2014.04.07 23:03:00 - [63] - Quote o7 Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 112610	Posted - 2014.04.08 04:55:00 - [64] - Quote You sir are a God. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commisar Kate
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 11973	Posted - 2014.04.08 17:56:00 - [65] - Quote From: ****, [@******.com] <----- IT Guy Sent: Monday, April 7, 2014 4:34 PM To: *, [@******.com] Subject: Re: Surrender now before it gets baaaa-aaaad! Fine. Just please stop. Ill get you your damn card. Bring back my damn page trays and fix whatever you did to my printers. Hope youGÇÖre happy now. **** IT Manager From: *, [@******.com] Sent: Monday, April 7, 2014 4:46 PM To: **, [@******.com] <----- IT Guy Subject: Re: Re: Surrender now before it gets baaaa-aaaad! Mr Michael J Muffin accepts your surrender. A wise move on your part. Hostilities will cease immeadiately. Your hostage trays will be returned. Rest assured they have been well treated. As for my happiness, yes, I AM happy now. Your frustration made me smile quite a bit today. You know what helps with a frustrating day? Goat Simulator. Too baaaaaaad someone had it banned from company hardware huh? I will expect your surrender payment in the morning. But I have one more thing. Tell me that you lied about your qualifications! Anyone who is a qualified IT professional could have stopped this. I promise that I wont share it with anyone, and as ive shownGÇªI keep my promises. Yes I have altered the deal..pray I do not alter it any furtherGÇª * Supervisor, Section 2 Mr IT Supervisor made good on the deal. This morning I was presented with a Subway gift card, and it was verified to contain $5.44 exactly. His precious trays have been returned unharmed as promised. The rest of section 2 was present to verify the exchange. Goatageddon has ended officially. It turns out that Mr IT manager doesn't know everything about these printers yet, and the software compatibility blah blah blah stuff and things servers blah blah still figuring it all out blah blah lip service. It cant be that hard if I used a windows wizard to setup my computer with them. I will investigate his qualifications later on.... because im seriously starting to doubt his ability. The bill from Larry on my wrath stands at $34.22. With just under 4800 pages printed, I can only assume that's a whole box of paper. So...34.22 in paper..minus the gift card.... pretty sure im in the red on my wrath. But the giggles were priceless.... so Im just going to call it a wash. Now, off to lunch, to feast in victory! Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 7464	Posted - 2014.04.08 20:14:00 - [66] - Quote +1 for the outcome. +10 for the Darth Vader quote! I like Alice Saki. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Samoth Egnoled 42535	Posted - 2014.04.09 06:24:00 - [67] - Quote +1 for sticking with it till the end. Mucho amusement. Ego Sum Mortem Incarnatum - I Am Death Incarnate
Random McNally Rifterlings Point Blank Alliance 58575	Posted - 2014.04.09 11:09:00 - [68] - Quote scribbles furiously Yea, I'm taking notes on this... Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Trii Seo Sabotage Incorporated Executive Outcomes 564	Posted - 2014.04.09 12:23:00 - [69] - Quote Where employees collide, muffins fall first. Is it Hotdrop O'Clock yet? Covert pilots unite! Safer working conditions, less accidental limb loss due to unfortunate Cyno accidents! https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=258986
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 12010	Posted - 2014.04.10 19:37:00 - [70] - Quote I got 2 new people for my section yesterday. Turns out it wasn't a promotion I was getting...as much as a slight pay raise and 2 freshies for Section 2. So much training. Theyre like cute little puppies. Ive taken to whacking them with a rolled up magazine when they mess up. My other section 2 minions are laughing constantly at me... because THEY don't have to do any training. Douchebags. Today, we sent the nooblets into the Doughnut Thunderdome. Hey bud...doughnuts in the break room..better get em while theyre still there! Off they go..like a couple of timid baby deer...into the maelstrom. Like Spartan children they emerged...with doughnuts. Well done my nooblets... you are strong indeed, and have proven yourself worthy of my teachings. There is so much they still need to learn. Part of yesterdays training was making sure they knew all the nicknames like Becky Resident Militant Vegan *** and Rhonda the Hutt, made sure they stayed away from the HR lady and her ravenous appetites, made sure they knew the breakroom feeding schedules and related pitfalls associated with it (yes I left Doughnut Thunderdome out...I wanted them to learn the hard way..),and informed them of the intricacies of wrath. I will mold these nooblets into office terrors.. Its arts and crafts time now. Inspired by a post on damnlol.com, Im having the nooblets make me Mario brothers characters out of post-it notes to adourn our cubicles. My boss should have never told them to listen and do whatever I tell them to do.... he knew better, and Im sure he will regret ever having said those words... im sure he knew as soon as he said them. Congrats bossman... you've now made Section 2 the largest on this floor.. our pranks and asshattery will blot out the sun. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Samoth Egnoled 42931	Posted - 2014.04.11 06:14:00 - [71] - Quote Do they have pet names yet? They should have pet names... Ego Sum Mortem Incarnatum - I Am Death Incarnate
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 113145	Posted - 2014.04.11 07:42:00 - [72] - Quote I suggest Rookie A and Rookie 1 "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commisar Kate
Random McNally Rifterlings Point Blank Alliance 58811	Posted - 2014.04.11 11:04:00 - [73] - Quote Thing 1 and Thing 2? Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Noxisia Arkana Deadspace Knights 309	Posted - 2014.04.11 14:14:00 - [74] - Quote Twiddle Dee, Twiddle Dum.
Debora Tsung The Investment Bankers Guild 966	Posted - 2014.04.11 14:33:00 - [75] - Quote Desivo Delta Visseroff wrote: I'm trying to laugh silently in my cubicle, but I end up sounding like crazed madman with breathing problems. This thread FOREVER Same here, Bob (I just call him that, I can't remember his name for teh life of it) from the other desk just checked if I'm ok, he said I sound like I am choking. Stupidity should be a bannable offense. Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699 Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance.
Debora Tsung The Investment Bankers Guild 966	Posted - 2014.04.11 14:38:00 - [76] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Ill just leave this here. From: Human Resources , ** [@******.com] Sent: Monday, March 24, 2014 8:43 AM To: *, [@******.com] Cc: ***,Rebecca [@******.com] Subject: HR Complaint - Action Meeting Required , This mail is to inform you of a HR complaint against you arising from Friday 3/21. It has been brought to the attention of the HR dept that you have been insensitive towards the lifestyle of another employee. Due to this being your 4th HR violation in 5 months, we are required to have an action meeting as per HR guidelines between yourself and the other party. This meeting is scheduled for 3/25 @ 10:15am, and will be mandatory. The results will be posted in your file for review by management. Thank you. ****** Director of Human Resources Am I a bad person for wanting to encourage to continue your current course of action? This is hilarious! Afterthought: I just noticed I could've put all my posts into one post and saved valuable forum space... Stupidity should be a bannable offense. Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699 Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance.
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 12040	Posted - 2014.04.11 17:05:00 - [77] - Quote Can a man not sit in the privacy of his own cubicle with 4 other people and make loud moaning orgasm sounds whilst eating the best sweet potato pie hes ever tasted!?!??! I don't care if youre on a business call with a client Rhonda the Hutt.. This pie is ***** delicious. YOU HEAR THAT??!!? *** delicious! Low carb diet be damned! Im going to savor this...and If I wants to moan in pure tasty pleasure while doing it... then im going to, and there aint nothing you can do to stop me. In fact Rhonda the Hutt... I dare you to try. I doubt you've heard any of those sounds in quite a while... probably since you ate your husband..actually..probably quite a while before then too. But knowing Rhonda the Hutt... shes mad because she cant have any of this delicious pie... its all mine.. and its not helping the situation that im letting her know that constantly... standing up and staring at her while slowly eating bite after bite... NNOOOOMMMMMMMMMM..... One of my nooblets brought me in one of their grandmother's sweet potato pies this morning. Im talkin the best sweet potato pie Ive ever tasted hands down. I feel like Golem because I have the pie on my desk...and I keep calling it "My Precious" in my Sm+¬agol voice. Girl Nooblet... you are now my favorite. Boy Nooblet... take notes because THIS is how you suck up to the boss! I approve of bribing me for my love..with pie. If I had a points system... which maybe I should implement... Girl Nooblet would have just got 100 points. I came in early this morning to have a meeting with the bossman. He wanted to know how the first two days went with the Nooblets went. Its the first time ive been in the training role. We ended up chatting for about a half hour or so. Good times. Bossman has one of those Keurig coffee brewers in his office..so I got to drink the good stuff...not the burnt printers ink swill the drones drink from the decanter in the break room but fresh brewed real coffee. I must have one of those brewers for my area.. I don't know what this "Doughnut Shop Blend" is..but wow... First awesome coffee....then Nooblet brownnose pie (sounds wrong..but accurate)... Im super spoiled today. Anyways, I thought id leave this off with a little excerpt from the Bossman... "Im still not sure about giving you new people to train. For some reason it feels like I've just fed Darth Sidious two new apprentices.." Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 7487	Posted - 2014.04.11 18:12:00 - [78] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: "Im still not sure about giving you new people to train. For some reason it feels like I've just fed Darth Sidious two new apprentices.." LOL I like Ravens. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
PotatoOverdose Handsome Millionaire Playboys 1366	Posted - 2014.04.12 00:22:00 - [79] - Quote This thread is amazing.
KnowUsByTheDead Krypteia Operations CODE. 1276	Posted - 2014.04.12 00:28:00 - [80] - Quote 1. First off... 2. I don't normally visit OOPE, but due to your shameless plug in GD, I have subbed to thread. Great job man. And.... 3. Begin work immediately on infiltration. Retribution is needed. Section 3 needs to pay for war crimes by Rhonda The Hutt against one of your own. The beloved Mr. T. Muffin must be properly avenged. Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the comedian is the only thing that makes sense. -á-á-á-á-á-á-á
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 7599	Posted - 2014.04.13 11:40:00 - [81] - Quote No shame in plugging this thread..... I like Cheese. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 12140	Posted - 2014.04.15 15:42:00 - [82] - Quote Well, Im not sure if Randy the Pornstar is going to work out. Yes, I gave Boy Nooblet a name. Randy the Pornstar. its the moustache. Seriously straight out of a 70's adult film solo 'stache. That and he may had uttered a few lines like "ive got a special delivery for you" while taking things to other co-workers. Is it his work ethic? Nope. Is it that he gets a little irritated when I call him Randy the Pornstar instead of Randall? Nope. Is it the fact that he realizes why I call Girl Nooblet "Number 1"? Nope. "Then why?" I hear you ask. Randy the Pornstar nibbled on Mr Muffin. HE ***** NIBBLED ON MR *** MUFFIN. MR MUFFIN IS NOT A SNACK RANDY THE PORNSTAR! MR MUFFIN IS YOUR DIRECT SUPERVISOR ON MONDAYS! YOU CANNOT EAT YOUR SUPERVISOR! Can you imagine you people were allowed to eat their supervisors??!?!?!? Anarchy! Randy the Pornstar has violated one of the most sacred unwritten rules of Section 2..and must be punished. Right now he is wearing a post-it note with the words I ATE MY SUPERVISOR on it..which is drawing some very interesting looks. Mostly because not everyone who interacts with Randy the Pornstar knows about Mr Muffin, and they assume that the supervisor in the message is me. The best part is listening to Randy the Pornstar explain to some of these people that a muffin was in charge. He dares not remove that post-it..under penalty of wrath.. I had Randy the Pornstar talk to IT guy about wrath, so he is well educated on consequences. Number 1 doesn't have any of these issues Randy the Pornstar.. get your together..AND STOP EATING YOUR SUPERVISOR! It was probably because Randy the Pornstar didn't like Mr Muffin's choice of songs which included a fantastic rendition of "My Milkshake" and didn't like his Pulp Fiction scene re-enactments. Mr Muffin WILL strike down upon you with furious vengeance Randy the Pornstar... so keep that in mind. So far, Randy the Pornstar hasn't nibbled on anyone today.. possibly because none of us are lemon poppyseed flavored, but I like to think that the Post-it note is working. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 7600	Posted - 2014.04.15 18:51:00 - [83] - Quote @Randythepornstar. YOU DONT TOUCH MR MUFFIN, YOU DONT LOOK AT MR MUFFIN, YOU DO NOT EXIST UNTILL MR MUFFIN WILLS IT!!! P.S: KEEP YOUR ******* FACEHOLE AWAY FROM MR MUFFIN! LOL@Postit note Pandytheroidstar has displeased me. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Noxisia Arkana Deadspace Knights 316	Posted - 2014.04.16 17:18:00 - [84] - Quote Do what any repectable parent would do when faced with an issue. Make him eat a whole tray of muffins (like smoking a whole pack of cigarrettes). Bring him a gallon of milk to go with it. He'll never want to touch a muffin again.
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 12437	Posted - 2014.04.18 04:07:00 - [85] - Quote Rhonda the Hutt has taken a shine to Number 1. Its because the other women in Section 3 are catty. They don't like Rhonda the Hutt much. I don't blame them, shes not the charismatic powerhouse of authority that I am. Most people like me, until they don't. Its probably why ive lasted here for so long despite my antics. Anyways, Rhonda the Hutt is always trying to talk to Number 1 about random things. Trying to get to know her and engage her on a personal level. Im not sure how I feel about that. On one hand I despise Rhonda the Hutt, on the other, I REALLY want a plant in her midst...to feed her misinformation.. and assist with wrathful things. Is wrathful a word? Its gotta be.. the spell check isn't underlining it. Man I hate spell check. Where was I.. oh yeah.. Number 1 has started to be less shy around the rest of us, and I do believe there might be that hint of sarcastic humor I appreciate so much within her. Randy the Pornstar is a lost cause.. I may trade Randy the Pornstar for Jenny from Section 3. Jenny is one of Rhonda the Hutt's henchmen, but she appreciates the finer things in life like talking muffins and being a spectator during Doughnut Thunderdome. Jenny would be a great trade. Ill have to look into that. Maybe ill tease Rhonda the Hutt by saying im willing to trade her for one of my nooblets..and then disappoint her when its Randy the Pornstar and not Number 1. Rhonda the Hutt doesn't like Randy the Pornstar much. She says its because Randy the Pornstar looks like her ex-husband. I don't see the resemblance.. he doesn't look much like a spiral sliced ham. Speaking of ham, my wife came in and brought me lunch yesterday, and got to meet the nooblets. She got all girl-talky with Number 1.. which im sure will bode well for me. She also doesn't like Randy the Pornstar.. maybe its a girl thing. No..cant be a girl thing... HR lady likes Randy the Pornstar.. but then again, she likes most men.. except me. She hates me. Not sure why, im so likable! My wife HATES the HR lady..HATES her. Something to do with a office Christmas party and some thing the HR lady said when she was drunk. Of course, we were ALL drunk during that party... and several people in the office have a picture of me shirtless wearing a tie to prove it. I hate that picture. They didn't take it from my good side. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 113317	Posted - 2014.04.18 04:50:00 - [86] - Quote Bind these up and make a book. Seriously, do it. You have a talent. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commisar Kate
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 12467	Posted - 2014.04.18 20:38:00 - [87] - Quote Ok.. somebody listened. There was top crusted apple pie in the break room.... unmolested. It called to me.. taunting me with its delicious aroma... eat me... eat me it said. I grabbed the pie spatula thingy.. and slowly cut out my piece. Oooooooh...sooooo good to be the first one in... such a tantric moment. Then... the tasting... those sweet apples... that cinnamon.. that tender flaky crust.... im going to need a moment... Then Randy the Pornstar went a ruined it by asking the same question hes asked 9000000 times. ** you Randy the Pornstar, you ruined my piegasm.. RUINED IT. I demand a re-do! There better be top-crusted apple pie next Friday Randy the Pornstar... there better be. Yeah.. im going to transfer his . If hes not getting what Ive explained..and what Number 1 and my other minions have explained over and over and over and over again by now..he can be Rhonda the Hutt's problem. This has really surprised me. I really thought it was going to be Number 1 who wasn't going to hack it. She had that timid baby deer trying to walk for the first time thing going on when she first got here. Now, this girl has the potential to be a supervisor. Randy the Pornstar seems like mailroom material to me. I shudder to think of how many times he would say "ive got a package for you" each day..especially with that moustache. I floated Jenny the idea of transferring to Section 2. I totally expected to be laughed at, instead she asked only 1 question... "Is Mr Muffin seeing anyone? Because I kinda want to make him a girlfriend." Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
KnowUsByTheDead Sunlight...Through The Blight. 1590	Posted - 2014.04.18 20:45:00 - [88] - Quote Hmmmm..... Jenny seems like an obvious choice. Her love for muffin people is heartwarming. And.... Plus side.... Mr. Muffin gets some action. Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the comedian is the only thing that makes sense. -á-á-á-á-á-á-á
Jonah Gravenstein Machiavellian Space Bastards 18020	Posted - 2014.04.20 14:44:00 - [89] - Quote Poasting in an epic thread. More pastry related shenanigans are required, Rhonda the Hutt needs to be sacrificed to the Snack Food Gods, Randy the Pornstar needs to cable tied to his chair and his lip caterpillar removed, by Mr Muffin armed with tweezers. Never go full Ripard
Debora Tsung The Investment Bankers Guild 974	Posted - 2014.04.22 08:54:00 - [90] - Quote I wonder if Rhonda the Hutt gave Number 1 a name. Might not be the best idea, after all you shouldn't name things you might have to eat but still... Stupidity should be a bannable offense. Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699 Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance.
KnowUsByTheDead Sunlight...Through The Blight. 1645	Posted - 2014.04.22 09:09:00 - [91] - Quote I personally hope that Number One is sent to Section 3 to eliminate Rhonda The Hutt. Her sarcastic nature is bleeding through. The dark side is imminent. Awoxing guarantees citizenship. Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the comedian is the only thing that makes sense. -á-á-á-á-á-á-á
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 12643	Posted - 2014.04.22 17:17:00 - [92] - Quote This morning was an OMG moment. Number 1 REAMED out Randy the Pornstar. REAMED. Ive seen some awful things here..but THAT was awesome and terrifying at the same time. Apparently Number 1 has been propping up Randy the Pornstar without my knowledge, and finally she had enough. All the crew and I could do was sit back and watch as she screamed him up one side and down the other. I should have stepped in... but sometimes you just have to stand back and watch the trainwreck out of pure morbid curiosity. "Are you kidding me?!??!! Our supervisor *** off on the computer all day and plays with *** muffins..and IM the screwup?!??!" Randy the Pornstar says back flailingly. "Are you kidding ME? He does more work in one hour than you do in 2 days! The damn muffin did more work yesterday than you did in 2 days, the damn office ficus (yes we have an office ficus) does more work than you do and its a *** plant! A trained monkey would have gotten this down by now! A thousand monkeys can write shakespere, a thousand Randalls couldn't even write a Reddit post! Youre *** useless and im not doing your work anymore!!!!!! Its sink or swim time, and youre a rock at the bottom of the *** pool." Number 1 retorts. (Do you know how hard it was to frantically jot that down so I could type it here!?!?!) She literally reduced Randy to tears. My god do I love the brutal nature of this girl. She will do just fine here. Im still snickering over the reddit remark. I was pulled into the bossman's office to discuss the situation. We went through every aspect of Randy the Pornstar's training, and looks like Ive done my job..actually above and beyond the training regimen. In the middle of our discussion, Number 1 busts in to defend me.... even though I had the situation handled. Great... I can hear the whispers now, the rumor mill has gone into overdrive already. Apparently no one defends someone else unless theyre sleeping together here. Ugh... ill look for the HR mail soon I guess. Bossman is now personally looking into Randy the Pornstar's credentials. This does not bode well for Randy... or my dreams of trading Randy the Pornstar for Jenny. Sigh. This is why I cant have nice things. So I have learned a few things today. Mr Muffin answering the speaker phone is not only hilarious, but counts as productivity (Mr muffin was an indian telemarketer yesterday. I was worried about it being racially insensitive, but my indian co-workers laughed their asses off, and actually said it was a good accent..so I think im fine.). Number 1 is a force not to messed with (although I make no promises..heh.), and Randy may have lied about his resume..and HR didn't do their job in researching it (big *** surprise.). I have a feeling that my crew may be down a person after today.. ill have to see what tomorrow brings. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 113576	Posted - 2014.04.22 17:26:00 - [93] - Quote Quote: A trained monkey would have gotten this down by now! A thousand monkeys can write shakespere, a thousand Randalls couldn't even write a Reddit post! Yes. Just yes. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commisar Kate
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 7671	Posted - 2014.04.22 17:49:00 - [94] - Quote Awesome.. Randall tryed to mess with Mr Muffin, he's getting off lightly.....LIGHTLY I TELL YOU!!!! Keep an eye on Number 1, shes a fire cracker. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Jonah Gravenstein Machiavellian Space Bastards 18099	Posted - 2014.04.23 01:15:00 - [95] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: I have a feeling that my crew may be down a person after today.. ill have to see what tomorrow brings. Tomorrow Never go full Ripard
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 12763	Posted - 2014.04.24 19:25:00 - [96] - Quote Well its official, Randy the Pornstar is out. Bossman confirmed that Randy the Pornstar lied about his credentials, and that he had been terminated from 3 other jobs because of the same thing. Shame on you Randy, you are supposed to slightly embellish your resume..not blatantly lie. A quick google search could have given you tips to make your meager real skills sound better..although it wouldn't have gotten you this job. As a side effect of Randy the Pornstar's termination, the HR lady is now under review! Yay! Its her department that is supposed to verify credentials and employment history, run background checks and follow up with references. I wonder who it was who dropped the ball? I bet it was the HR lady's underling Tanya. Tanya looks like a cross between Honey Boo-Boo's mom and Kathy Bates, which makes most men cringe. I bet it was her. She doesn't seem to appreciate her job much, plus she is known to use her..bulk... to win at Doughnut Thunderdome. That's just wrong. Doughnut Thunderdome is a noble gentlemens sport that is played by hooligans.. and she violates the spirit of the game. She once racked up a huge long distance bill calling some guy she met online, only for it to turn out he was one of those scam artists who are after lonely womens money. She still talks about him like hes going to come and marry her someday. WatGäó. Exactly. Anyways, Bossman is on it, and has vowed to fix the HR department. Should prove to be interesting. Number 1 has been made official as part of Section 2, and we had a little party to celebrate her inclusion into the Impossible Mission Force. Doughnuts were secured for the festivities via a misdirection stunt using a small bullhorn from our floor's emergency kit and a kazoo. Do you know what that sounds like? Neither did anyone else until it happened. No one was sure how to react.. except us who swooped in and grabbed the maple bar and old fashioned glazed in the confusion and bolted. I would not recommend the bullhorn thing again... that was awful. It would have been better to use the siren instead of a kazoo..but we had the kazoo handy, and it was a why-the-hell-not moment. Anyways, a small cake was assembled with spoils of our raid and a leftover birthday candle I had in my desk for some reason. Why is there ALWAYS a birthday candle in a drawer? That cant be just me.. but seriously.. its like every random drawer I have has a damn birthday candle in there somewhere whether it be at home or at work or in my garage or my parent house or the wifes parents house..anywhere. Are there gnomes who do this kind of thing intentionally? Serious WTF moment right? Anyways, doughnut cake was had, and now Number 1 shall be known by her new rightful name, Office Hot Lindy (shes good with the name, I asked). Shes not super attractive, but compared to the rest of the talent in here, shes decent, hence the Office Hot portion of her name. Welcome to the fold Office Hot Lindy, may Section 2 be forever on your good side. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 7682	Posted - 2014.04.26 17:40:00 - [97] - Quote Pics of Number 1 Required! I like Bacon. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Schmata Bastanold Black Rebel Rifter Club The Devil's Tattoo 1629	Posted - 2014.04.28 10:03:00 - [98] - Quote Ralph King-Griffin linked that thread in "EVE blogs you follow?" and I am hooked 4 life. I am not my skills but... http://eveboard.com/pilot/Schmata_Bastanold
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 12884	Posted - 2014.04.29 00:18:00 - [99] - Quote My muffin brings all the boys to the yard. and theyre like "why you taking a muffin and then not eating it??!?!" and im like damn right probably tastes better than yours. I could teach you but id have to... pretty much give up any rights to Mr Muffin..and im not willing to do that. Mr Muffin is not a new thing, yet there will always be those few who believe that he has no right to exist. Bastards. He is more of a person than most people. Hes many people. He can be almost anyone. Today he was Sean Connery. The sexiest voiced muffin you've ever heard. Yesh. We went through James Bond,and the guy from The Rock (too lazy to google it) and Draco the Dragon. Draco was the best one..only because when the muffins ran out and people wanted to come and take Mr Muffin for their own.. he stoically looked at them and told them I AM THE LASHT ONE!!!!! Some people got it..most didn't. Seriously..you would think that more people would get that one. He hit on the front desk lady today over the phone this morning. It pretty much showed that no matter how old the woman..Sean Connery's voice pretty much does it for all of them. Its so sheductive. Ive used it on the wife a few times. Not the muffin..she hates muffins. Weird right? She likes doughnuts. She used to work at a small doughnut shop..which is why we fell in love..because she gave me a bacon covered maple doughnut... drool. Im sure we were in love before that..but still..bacon even makes love better. I cant eat bacon at the office though... ::sadface::..and we all know why. Yep..Becky Resident Militant Vegan ***. She FREAKS out on people who eat bacon. I don't freak out on her when she eats a carrot. I should. At times I think she fantasizes while eating the carrot...because she bites that thing pretty vigorously. She must daydream of being a rabbit. Only thing I can think of. I bet you thought I was going to say something else right? Yeah...how about no. The vision of her doing that would pretty much ruin it for everyone. Who would want to own a rabbit after that? Speaking of rabbits, Office Hot Lindy has a tattoo of a rabbit. maybe that's why I have rabbits on the brain. I haven't seen it, but she told us about it and wont show us..which pretty much means only one thing....that's its horribly drawn. Nobody would be proud of a horribly drawn rabbit tattoo. Unless maybe if you did it for a bet..but even then...it would have to be a pretty big bet. You know what I bet? I bet that Office Hot Lindy likes Sean Connery's voice.. Ill have to bring her a selection of his movies tomorrow. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Sibyyl 547	Posted - 2014.04.29 05:27:00 - [100] - Quote I should be working right now, but I'm catching up on this thread instead. And I won't judge myself for it. Take solace knowing that even after the sun sets, and your sky is filled with darkness, that the sun is still shining. -D. Entervention Psychotic Monk joins BNI
Mizhir Euphoria Released Triumvirate. 60832	Posted - 2014.04.29 16:36:00 - [101] - Quote Sibyyl wrote: I should be working right now, but I'm catching up on this thread instead. And I won't judge myself for it. I should be cooking dinner for myself, but i'm catching up on this thread instead :) One Man Crew - Collective solo pvp
Ralph King-Griffin Var Foundation inc. 1049	Posted - 2014.04.29 16:38:00 - [102] - Quote Mizhir wrote: Sibyyl wrote: I should be working right now, but I'm catching up on this thread instead. And I won't judge myself for it. I should be cooking dinner for myself, but i'm catching up on this thread instead :) Always cook before opening this thread Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼a«£¦¬¦P¦¬a«£Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼ -á-á-á-á-á-á-á-á-á The Best Quote EVER Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼a«£¦¬¦P¦¬a«£Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼
Mizhir Euphoria Released Triumvirate. 60832	Posted - 2014.04.29 16:39:00 - [103] - Quote Ralph King-Griffin wrote: Mizhir wrote: Sibyyl wrote: I should be working right now, but I'm catching up on this thread instead. And I won't judge myself for it. I should be cooking dinner for myself, but i'm catching up on this thread instead :) Always cook before opening this thread Yep, I figured that out One Man Crew - Collective solo pvp
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 13054	Posted - 2014.05.02 18:26:00 - [104] - Quote Well yesterdays Doughnut Thunderdome was rather uneventful. Steve (Alpha Douche)'s spleen was damn near ruptured due to a well placed elbow jab, but that was about it. ::sadface:: I really expected more from people. Whats the reason for 1 box of doughnuts for this many people if not to inspire gladiatorial style fighting? Sigh. Theres always next week. We got a rare treat this morning. No, not pie, although there IS a pie..WTF is a boysenberry? Im sure its wonderful..meh. Give me apple dammit! Anyways, we got to skip out on the wonderous event known as relaxation and teambuilding (by wonderous I mean its a wonder we don't all jump out the window..as a team of course.) and instead got to listen tot he droning of the Company Vice President! yay. Picture Ben Stein mixed with the teacher from Charlie Brown...under full Tidi. Braincells... dying.... must..stay.. awake... must not... snore... too loudly... eyes..rolling back...feels like..brain aneurysm.. take me.. death. Anyways, the guy is a laugh a minute...in an alternate universe. He always leaves us with little gems that tend to halt all productivity for days as we all try to wrap our minds around it. This time, it was in regards to some critical numbers thing that im not involved with, although Im not really sure, I was trying to not gray out and go towards the light. He leaves us with "Im not blaming anyone, but this is your fault." WatGäó? But.. that.. makes.. no... sense.. how.. what.. huh? The guy was perfectly serious. If hes not blaming anyone.. how is it our fault? My brain hurts. Cant cope... must... not... Productivity ceasing... must understand... wha... um.. huh.. If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college. Thank you Lewis Black. Yes, this is identical. Blood IS about to shoot out of my nose. I guess in the mind of an executive, this statement may make sense. Executives are a rare breed of human whos minds straddle the line between reality and some other dimension where fantasy is reality. They don't live completely in reality, that is for certain. But I don't think that brain physics allows these statements. A supercomputer would grind to a freaking halt if I typed that in..im sure of it. Does not compute... ERROR.. ERROR... bzzzzzpzht ::sparks:: ::smoke:: BOOM, large crater. I guess that's assuming a nuclear powered supercomputer. Do they have those? Maybe not, probably for this very reason. But I assure you, If they did make one... it would be the decision of an executive.. that is for sure. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 7753	Posted - 2014.05.02 18:31:00 - [105] - Quote Still waiting on those pics of Number 1. I like Lego. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Jonah Gravenstein Machiavellian Space Bastards 18180	Posted - 2014.05.03 19:10:00 - [106] - Quote Tollen Gallen wrote: Still waiting on those pics of Number 1. I like Lego. Seconded, on the Lego too. Never go full Ripard
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 7758	Posted - 2014.05.03 19:18:00 - [107] - Quote I brought another lil pack the other day, now i have a Rescue Chopper, aswell as a fire engine. Oh and UAE... pics of the wifey I like Milk. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 114683	Posted - 2014.05.05 18:06:00 - [108] - Quote This cannot go onto the second page! I like the office diaries. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commisar Kate
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 13184	Posted - 2014.05.05 19:02:00 - [109] - Quote What kind of cruel joke is this? These are called "Black Forest Muffins". That is a damn cupcake good sir. You cannot make a muffin out of a cupcake. How am I to work with this!?!?!?? Said the crazy bald guy who may be me.. but probably was. It took a while... but I think I got it figured out. I just went with Forest Gump voice. Partly because Jenny is within voice range.. and because my Samuel L Jackson / Forest Gump combo voice didn't exactly work out as planned... and now Section 2 thinks im slightly crazy. I really did try to make it work.. but gave up after about an hour of random "mother***** lieutenant Dan" and "Get these mother**** shrimp off this mother*** boat". It just doesn't work. Looks good on paper... in reality. So Forest Muffin has talked about his Jennay quite a bit on the phone... to Jenny.. who has him on speaker phone to annoy Rhonda the Hutt. I did grab an ice cream bar from the break room fridge to use as a prop, and Forest Muffin has been offering it to people. Steve (Alpha Douche) grabbed it from him and ate it.. ruining the moment. I guess the good thing about it is that they were Rhonda the Hutt's ice cream bars... and she saw Steve (Alpha Douche) eating it... so that kind of kicked off some fun for about 30 mins. God I love it when those two go at it. Phrasing... bad mental picture.... ewwwwwwww. It would look like a lizard riding a watermelon. It is quite hilarious to listen to. Rhonda the Hutt almost always turns in a HR complaint on him..which usually gets thrown out because its Rhonda the Hutt. She is one of the serial abusers of the HR complaint forms. I once said Hi to her in a supermarket... and got a complaint at the office for outside of workplace harassment. Not Kidding. It was because I was acting like that Leonardo DiCaprio character from Gilbert Grape I bet. Did I call her Gilbert? I don't remember calling her that... hmmm... things to ponder. I remember buying feminine products.... and making some rather risqu+¬ jokes in the checkout line... but she wasn't there... hmmm. That doesn't explain Rhonda the Hutt's complaint... but it DOES explain why that register lady looks disgusted with me when I go in there. Oh I remember! I bought spaghetti sauce at the same time and made some joke about testing the feminine products out under extreme circumstances! I have no shame when it comes to the feminine product isle. Im the guy who helps out all the other clueless guys when theyre stuck frozen in awe at the shear amount of things in that isle. Ok Buddy... what brand did she say.. because that's important. Ok.. girlfriend or wife? Short term girlfriend? Get the multi-pack.. cover ALL the situations. Wife? You better get that right... or you are NEVER going to hear the end of it... for at least a week. There literally less rules pertaining to Crimewatch than there are in Feminine products. True story. Anyways, Its about time for Forest Muffin to talk about the Vietnam War... im not sure how its gonna come out, but whatever he says, that's all hes gonna say about that. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 114684	Posted - 2014.05.05 19:15:00 - [110] - Quote He need a mini medal of honour. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commisar Kate
Ralph King-Griffin Var Foundation inc. 1227	Posted - 2014.05.05 19:16:00 - [111] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Im the guy who helps out all the other clueless guys when theyre stuck frozen in awe at the shear amount of things in that isle. Ok Buddy... what brand did she say.. because that's important. Ok.. girlfriend or wife? Short term girlfriend? Get the multi-pack.. cover ALL the situations. Wife? You better get that **** right... or you are NEVER going to hear the end of it... for at least a week. There literally less rules pertaining to Crimewatch than there are in Feminine products. You Sir are a Hero. 07 Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼a«£¦¬¦P¦¬a«£Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼ -á-á-á-á-á-á-á Soylent Green Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼a«£¦¬¦P¦¬a«£Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼Gû¼
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 7766	Posted - 2014.05.05 20:42:00 - [112] - Quote "I got shot in the bottocks" I like Forest Gump. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 13239	Posted - 2014.05.06 18:41:00 - [113] - Quote First off, id love to give a shout out to this thread for providing me todays entertainment. Everything that follows is its fault. Well, Im just going to call this day a total loss.... of productivity. I really need to stop reading things out loud. This morning started off great, with lots of work getting done. At what I can only describe as both the worst moment AND the best moment possible, I read that firefighter / adult movie / pubic bludgeoning thread out loud. Office Hot Lindy was on speaker phone with Section 5 going over some collaborative report thing she has going on... and my voice carries.. so naturally ever word I said was piped clear across the office. Also, somewhat due to the voice carrying, I have assaulted Rhonda the Hutt's earballs with inappropriate content. Yep..thats gonna cost me. Jenny, Rhonda the Hutt's henchmen, and my double agent, has one of those mildly irritating laughs. Its only mildly irritating to me.. massively irritating to Rhonda the Hutt. Jenny is breathless from laughing, which makes her laugh even worse..which irritates Rhonda the Hutt even more. Yep... ill definitely be paying for this. Section 5 is taking it well. Im being called by them asking for the Reddit link... I don't have the heart to tell them that its on a fictional space submarine forum. I copy/pasted it and emailed it to them in hopes of appeasing them. Just as we decided to get back to work.. up pops a description of the "victim" / Actress... Which naturally I decide sounds too great not to read out loud.. in my Herbert voice (from family guy.. look it up). My minions were proof reading a report we had just printed out... insert both best / worst possible moment situation again... BOOM... Coffee-splosions take out the colorful inkjet printed charts. The report must now be reprinted.. the shirts must now be changed.. and the coffee must be refilled. Thank god its lunchtime, and I have extra shirts in the car that I can lend to people. ... and now lunch is ruined.. not by that thread.. by Steve (Alpha Douche). Steve (Alpha Douche) apparently brought some kind of indian food for lunch... and microwaved it.. for far too too long. The break room is filled with what can only be described as mustard gas.. evacuations were commenced... now we all reek of whatever the hell that was. I have no more shirts.. and my emergency bodyspray isn't putting a dent in this. I may need a lemon juice bath tonight... seriously. I remember when I got hell for bringing in some homemade Chicken Tika Masala.. and I didn't even reheat it! (it was awesome cold.) This is soo much worse. Oh god.. its all over the office now.. you know its in the airducts.. Damn you Steve (Alpha Douche)! Ugh.. I can taste the smell... ugh. I may have to dig through my drawer and see if I have any menthol ointment to put in my nose. Why would I have that? Well, if I had a random birthday candle.. im sure ive got some of that. Help me office cubicle junk drawer.. youre my only hope. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Doc Fury Furious Enterprises 5413	Posted - 2014.05.06 18:49:00 - [114] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: ... and now lunch is ruined.. not by that thread.. by Steve (Alpha Douche). Steve (Alpha Douche) apparently brought some kind of indian food for lunch... and microwaved it.. for far too too long. The break room is filled with what can only be described as mustard gas.. evacuations were commenced... now we all reek of whatever the hell that was. I have no more shirts.. and my emergency bodyspray isn't putting a dent in this. I may need a lemon juice bath tonight... seriously. I remember when I got hell for bringing in some homemade Chicken Tika Masala.. and I didn't even reheat it! (it was awesome cold.) This is soo much worse. Oh god.. its all over the office now.. you know its in the airducts.. Damn you Steve (Alpha Douche)! Ugh.. I can taste the smell... ugh. I may have to dig through my drawer and see if I have any menthol ointment to put in my nose. Why would I have that? Well, if I had a random birthday candle.. im sure ive got some of that. Help me office cubicle junk drawer.. youre my only hope. At least your exposure time is limited. The same (or very similar) smell is prevalent on the (17 hour) flights from Kuala Lumpur to San Francisco. They have tried many times but can't seem to get the stink out. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the ho's and politicians will look up and shout 'Save us!' and I'll look down, and whisper 'Hodor'.
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 13444	Posted - 2014.05.12 19:52:00 - [115] - Quote Day 5 of my 3 office tour... Did I forget to mention that I was leaving on a trip to see 3 other offices? Yeah.. probably should have mentioned that. Oh well. Its almost over. I fly back in an hour. ***** hotel didn't have muffins this morning.. I had to go to a store and BUY a muffin.. just to Skype section 2. This little bakery had mufffins in tin foil... so of course.. I had to go with Muffin Commander, Leader of M.U.F.F.I.N., a worldwide something something ill conceived something. I didn't really think the acronym through, I just wanted to talk like Cobra Commander and tell people to "Work harder you fools!!". I concluded the 30 minute long Skype session with him running for an escape pod (made of foil... with M.U.F.F.I.N. written on the side and crudely drawn muffin stencil) and him flying out the window in retreat. Yeah... so... theres now a muffin in the pool of the hotel.... in a crashed escape pod. Im sure they'll blame it on kids. No grown man would ever do something like that.. right? Probably not. Anyway.. my voice is a little hoarse from talking like that. The things I do for comedy. It turns out that the three other offices don't have a designated asshat to make life interesting. I talked with my counterparts, and gave them some great ideas to stir the pot. I gave people some nicknames, which should stick for a bit. 2 of the offices are going to have Muffin Monday and Pie-Day now.. which should add to the office content. I witnessed a Doughnut Thunderdome , if you can call it that. It was more like a group of slow zombies descending on a fallen Boyscout. No bullhorns, no elbows, just the horde. Can you believe that people would actually SHARE doughnuts?!??!! HERESY! Doughnuts are not meant to be halved! What is this?!?!?!?! 40 people enter, 12 people leave with doughnuts..THIS IS THE RULE. Ugh. You civilized bastards.. I cant wait to get back and deal with the anarchy of my office.. at least there is life.. chaotic life. There is no fun here.. no smiles... no enjoyment. Half these people hate their job..the other half are so apathetic that they just show up and stare blankly until end of day. No individuals..no smiles... just a herd of zombie cattle. I can only hope that it changes for them, and that ive inspired at least a few to create content... I hope they keep me in the loop as to their exploits. Ugh.. I hate airports.. Its time to seek coffee... Must have coffee... I needs it... I hate falling asleep on planes... I have the most ** up dreams when I sleep on planes. Although.. if Im awake.. people almost ALWAYS insist on talking to me... Ugh.. damned if you do..damned if you don't. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 7864	Posted - 2014.05.12 20:10:00 - [116] - Quote I missed this thread........ no updates make for sad Toll I like UAE. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 13528	Posted - 2014.05.14 17:02:00 - [117] - Quote Ah... its good to be back. How I missed the ambient noise in my kingdom. The subtle whine of the ever-dying case fan of my computer (HURRY UP AND DIE ALREADY!!!!!!), the everpresent ringing of my phone.. set to the most obnoxious ring imaginable and on the loudest volume (because it irritates Rhonda the Hutt so much..), Steve (Alpha Douche)'s constant swearing off in the distance.. how ive missed it all. Wait... something is different... the ass grove of my chair.... its different... who... hmm... It looks like my chair... wait a ***** second... the black duct tape on the armrest is newer... (yes..I have to duct tape the armrest of my chair because my request for a new chair has been in process for like 2 years..) Someone has swapped my chair! The recliner is broken on this one! WTF!?!??! Oh... someone went through an awful lot of trouble to mock this one up so I wouldn't notice... But who? Who has the audacity to pull this off? Who has the talent to forge this fake? Section 2's chairs are clean... and they all claim to not know who did it. Good thing I trust them.. Id hate to torture them for info. The hunt now begins for the culprit. This will be difficult.. because all the chairs look the same here... it might be time to go full Liam Neeson on this place. I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you were looking for a better chair, all I had was this slightly less broken one, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career of asshattery. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you bring my chair back now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you and I will make what I did to the IT guy look like childs play. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Random McNally Rifterlings Point Blank Alliance 61252	Posted - 2014.05.15 14:07:00 - [118] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Ah... its good to be back. How I missed the ambient noise in my kingdom. The subtle whine of the ever-dying case fan of my computer (HURRY UP AND DIE ALREADY!!!!!!), the everpresent ringing of my phone.. set to the most obnoxious ring imaginable and on the loudest volume (because it irritates Rhonda the Hutt so much..), Steve (Alpha Douche)'s constant swearing off in the distance.. how ive missed it all. Wait... something is different... the ass grove of my chair.... its different... who... hmm... It looks like my chair... wait a ******* second... the black duct tape on the armrest is newer... (yes..I have to duct tape the armrest of my chair because my request for a new chair has been in process for like 2 years..) Someone has swapped my chair! The recliner is broken on this one! WTF!?!??! Oh... someone went through an awful lot of trouble to mock this one up so I wouldn't notice... But who? Who has the audacity to pull this off? Who has the talent to forge this fake? Section 2's chairs are clean... and they all claim to not know who did it. Good thing I trust them.. Id hate to torture them for info. The hunt now begins for the culprit. This will be difficult.. because all the chairs look the same here... it might be time to go full Liam Neeson on this place. I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you were looking for a better chair, all I had was this slightly less broken one, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career of asshattery. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you bring my chair back now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you and I will make what I did to the IT guy look like childs play. I DID IT!! I TOOK THE CHAIR!! Ok, actually I didn't but please, PLEASE, whatever you do....do not delve deeply into the mysteries of the missing chair. Do not unleash your full wrath upon whomever took it and regale us with this tale of torture and humiliation.... sits back with popcorn Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 13615	Posted - 2014.05.16 20:56:00 - [119] - Quote The VP ruined Doughnut Thunderdome yesterday. He showed up during the mad scramble.. and the masses parted like the Red Sea. He sauntered over to the box of doughnuts.. and took the coveted maple bar. That one action took the fight out of everyone. The gold medal was gone... no sense in fighting for the silver. This is why we cant have nice things when management is around. Yes, Doughnut Thunderdome is a nice thing. I encourage you to try it at your place of employment. The search for my chair has so far come up empty. Ive gone through all 5 sections to no avail. Ive interrogated the snitches and have come up with nothing. This is indeed a disturbing universe. It was hard playing good cop AND bad copGÇª. but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do, and in this case... I went full Smeagol on their ass. Voice and all. Its surprisingly effective. Still, nothing. Someone will slip up somedayGÇª and when that happensGÇª yeah. I have one option nowGÇª to pass off this chair as someone elses and steal theirsGÇª but whos? Ideally I would go for one of managements chairs.. but theyre different. IT guys chair is different too.. plus that one would be awkward. Dragging a chair downstairs without anyone noticing.. yep.. not suspicious at all. I can think of one target.. The HR lady! I will have to sanitize it firstGÇª but yesGÇª that will do nicely. How to do it without anyone in her office noticingGÇª I will have to confer with the IM force on this.. 50 feet. The approximate distance from the Section 2 entryway to the HR office.. (at this point, visualize some kind of CGI 3d wireframe model of an office, all spinny and hollywoody.. like Mission:Impossible meets OceanGÇÖs Eleven..with H. Jon BenjaminGÇÖs voiceover). There are 3 entryways to other sections that I will have to pass. The chair back is slightly lower than the cubicle walls.. so as long as no one stands up, the chair will remain unseen until those entryways. This chair has a squeaky wheel.. so that may draw attention to it as we pass. We will need a coordinated diversion that makes people remain seated and paying attention to their computers that are conveniently placed so that people face away from the entryway (so management can sneak up on you.. I figured that out pretty early in my career). Perhaps some kind of mass email with an autoplaying video with sound level locked on full. Itll have to be sent by someone else.. no one opens my mail anymore. (seriously.. you rename a few slightly obnoxious videos to look like official documents.. and suddenly everyone thinks itGÇÖs a trap.. eyeroll.. I know right..) I may need to recruit someone with slightly better office standings to send the mail. The list of trustworthy candidates is short. The next obstacle will be getting the entire HR dept to leave their office at the same timeGÇª hmm.. this will be tougher.. yes.. much tougher. Perhaps some kind of elaborate argument rouse happening away from the office.. no.. that would only get one out.. we need three to leave. Fire alarm would be too drastic.. Maybe I can coordinate all of this while HR is in a meeting.. OK, now we need to hack into the HR schedule and find out when their next review meeting is. It should be an easy matter to bypass their security through means of a reduction algorithm that can beGÇª who am I kidding.. Ill just ask them. I donGÇÖt know how to hack. You know.. Im just overthinking this whole thing. Ill just come in early and swap them out before anyone else gets here. Why didnGÇÖt I think of that earlier? I hate it when my brain wants to get all elaborate and diabolical for like no reason. Anyways.. im going to go do the finger pyramid of evil contemplation and eat some pie. Its top crusted apple today.. and I have saved a piece to eat at the end of the day. Its time to creep people out before work ends. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Ralph King-Griffin Var Foundation inc. 1482	Posted - 2014.05.16 21:20:00 - [120] - Quote http://youtu.be/km40jvV5lhM
Mizhir Euphoria Released Triumvirate. 61757	Posted - 2014.05.16 21:29:00 - [121] - Quote You didn't have Mr Muffin to play bad cop for you? I'm also dissapointed that you haven't reacted to my subtle little joke. Maybe you haven't spotted it yet. One Man Crew - Collective solo pvp
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 13619	Posted - 2014.05.16 21:33:00 - [122] - Quote Mizhir wrote: You didn't have Mr Muffin to play bad cop for you? Um.. Mr Muffin is a Monday thing.. maybe a Tuesday encore if Lupe doesn't throw him away... I could have done it with a doughnut.. but that would just be silly. Mr Doughnut.. ha! How absurd. Plus.. even if I did have Mr Doughnut.. Im sure he would always have a shocked look on his face.. and its hard to look tough like that. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 13662	Posted - 2014.05.19 20:59:00 - [123] - Quote Operation ChairGÇª reassignment.. no no no.. relocation? Damn.. operational names are hard. Operation Get rid of this broken ass chair and steal the HR ladyGÇÖs chair as a replacement. Thatll do. Operation: GROTBACASTHRLCASR for short. ThatGÇÖs gonna require a copy/paste if I type it again. I was really hoping it would spell something awesome and easy to remember. Next time ill start with an acronym and make up the name. Operation: PITCHFORKGÇª Pain in the calf / hamstring for other reasons..k? That makes no sense at all. Im glad I didnGÇÖt go with that. Operation CHAIR.. Chair h-something and it replaceGÇª gah. I give up. Anyways, the operation was completed early this morning. No witnesses.. no loose ends. Replacement duct tape installed on my armrest to camouflage the chair, and it was thoroughly sanitized with a combination of pilfered monitor cleaner and hand sanitizer. I regretted that immeadiately.. as it reeks of purfumey (is that even a word?!??!) hand sanitizer and some awful glass cleaner smell. Ugh.. It had to be done. Now comes the hard partGÇª wearing a new ass groove in the cushion. Luckily the HR lady doesnGÇÖt weight that much.. and replacing her bony ass groove with mine should be relatively simple. Just got to sit here and do nothing. Im on it. What the hell is a GÇ£Black and whiteGÇ¥ muffin? I want to know who here is buying these things.. because they are moving away from muffin type muffins and more of these foofy cupcake like muffins. Breakfast muffins have a nice texture and hold up well to the rigors of Mr Muffin.. while these things are more cake like.. CAKE CANNOT HOLD UP TO BEING A CHARACTER DAMNIT. Sigh. I will have to make do with what I have. When life gives you lemonsGÇª. Yeah.. not sure how that meshes with my current muffin situation.. unless it was a lemon muffin.. THAT I can work with. So today, Mr Muffin is just all over the placeGÇªliterally. Hes tried several characters from classic black and white movies.. all while losing pieces of his head.. all over the floor. DAMN YOU CRUMBLY CAKE MUFFIN THING. Hes like a poor zombie.. with pieces all falling off. Can one feel sorry for an object that he himself is giving personification to? Deep stuff there. Muffin Philosophy. Whoa. Maybe Ive stumbled onto a whole new outlook on life.. or reason for being. Life is like a muffin. If you make it out of inferior stuff.. and you abuse it.. it crumbles, but if you take the time and build it right with the proper ingredients.. you can make much hilarity. Hmm.. not quite there yet. Perhaps I should think this over more, spend years pondering it... Who knows if one day in the future, Unsuccessful at Everything will be looked back upon as the father of Muffin Philosophy and how it changed how the world views itself. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Mizhir Euphoria Released Triumvirate. 61779	Posted - 2014.05.19 21:00:00 - [124] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Mizhir wrote: I'm also dissapointed that you haven't reacted to my subtle little joke. Maybe you haven't spotted it yet. ****. My wife plays this game with me all the time. New hair style? Have you lost weight? New lipstick shade? Are you trying out the eyebrow thing? Ive never won this game... I always just say shes pretty and try to change the subject ASAP. Ill regret typing that if she reads this.. ..and that. It was something about contacts :) One Man Crew - Collective solo pvp
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 13663	Posted - 2014.05.19 21:19:00 - [125] - Quote Mizhir wrote: It was something about contacts :) Oh thank god. For a moment there I thought I was going to need to buy you flowers or tell you all the reasons why you are so much prettier than your sister who I totally don't think is attractive and never have and should totally be jealous of you because of your epic prettiness and how if you left me I would probably die from things and be ruined for all women and would pine for you until the end of time but then of course id be dead and of course id be ruined for all other women except maybe some freaky necropheliacs who I would never ever find attractive because they weren't you. (ive been away all weekend... haven't logged in at all .. to think.. it was a free weekend for all the bots and carebear prairie dogs Ive been AFK camping.. I feel bad for letting them do things.) *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Sibyyl Brave Collective 1025	Posted - 2014.05.19 21:57:00 - [126] - Quote Crumbly cake zombie sounds like the perfect kind of snack/one night stand/life partner. Take solace knowing that even after the sun sets, and your sky is filled with darkness, that the sun is still shining. -D. Entervention Psychotic Monk joins BNI
Nakami Saans Perkone Caldari State 66	Posted - 2014.05.21 11:57:00 - [127] - Quote This has just been a wonderful read and end to my workshift. Thank you! I can't wait for more stories Rainbow Worrior of EVE...well...maybe worrior is too strong a word.-á I like to site see ^.^ Would like to make connections with other LGBT players, possibly a corp Please help me with my Philosophy Final!
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 13705	Posted - 2014.05.22 18:32:00 - [128] - Quote Lets talk about Kevin. Kevin is a low level peon who contributes.. less than nothing to the company. Kevin is also about 5GÇÖ 1GÇ¥ and is pushing the 240lbs mark. With his now long red beard, Kevin looks an awful lot like a dwarf from LOTR, minus the helmet and somewhat funny jokes. He acts like Marvin the depressed robot from Hitchhikers guide.. and walks like him too. Kevin is one of a short list of universally despised people in the office. I can count on one hand how many people in the entire building like him. Why do people dislike Kevin? Kevin is opposed to ::effort::. If something is too hard, Kevin likes to tell people that GÇ£itGÇÖs not his jobGÇ¥ and walks away from it. There is no try with Kevin, none at all. So many people have to take up his slack. Grrr Kevin. But you see, Kevin will never be fired, because an exec has a serious man crush on Kevin. Kevin is the greatest thing since sliced bread to this exec. Grrr executives. This kinda goes back to Execs not living in a land called reality. Now, the only thing Kevin puts actual ::effort:: into.. is securing himself a doughnut during Thunderdome. Using ninja-like moves and his low center of gravity, he almost ALWAYS gets one. As soon as the doughnut is in hand.. he immeadiately goes back into Marvin mode and lumbers through the crowd. ** you Kevin. So useless you are. Now youre asking yourself.. why do we care about Kevin? Because Kevin IS THE CHAIR THIEF!!!! (que dramatic music). I initially dismissed Kevin as a suspect because of KevinGÇÖs aversion to ::effort::.. and the fact that talking to him is like scraping your fingernails on a chalkboard while taking a cheesegrater to a tattoo all while listening to Bjork through a high-fi headset at max volume. But I let my personal feelings get in the way of my investigationGÇª ThatGÇÖs like.. Investigation 101 stuff. The signs were all thereGÇª looking back it makes perfect sense. The recliner mechanism is broken.. Kevin ALWAYS leans back in his chair.. and as I know from experience.. office furniture requisitions are definitely ::effort::.. so it was decidedly less ::effort:: to simply take a chair instead. Im such a fool.. how did I miss this. He knew I was gone for a week.. so he ceased the opportunity! Why can Kevin put ::effort:: into this, but not work? I want to punish Kevin for this.. but do I have the right to, seeing as that I have done the same thing to the HR lady? Can I be this hypocritical? Does not the HR lady deserve this for what shes done as well? I donGÇÖt think there is anything in Muffin Philosophy that covers this.. yet. How can I live with myself? Why did I choose today to grow a conscience? Or is it ethics? Ugh. I shouldnGÇÖt feel bad at all about taking the HR ladyGÇÖs chair.. because SHE ALREADY GOT A NEW ONE. You *. Oh I see how it isGÇª she gets one after a couple days.. I donGÇÖt get one after YEARS. Why am I pissed off over a *** chair!?!?? ThatGÇÖs it. Im going to punish Kevin. it. It needs to happen. If I let one slip, the other inmates will think ive gone soft and turn on me. I wont let that happen. This may be an office.. but even here there is the law of nature, and in the cubicle jungle.. I AM KING. There will be no operational name for this oneGÇª it will be purely black ops. Even with his exec man-crush powers, I will make an example out of him. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Debora Tsung The Investment Bankers Guild 1069	Posted - 2014.05.22 19:25:00 - [129] - Quote gasp Nail biting, intense action scenes? UAEzilla vs Kevinra? o_O Dramatic chipmunk might do overtime to comment that fight. Stupidity should be a bannable offense. Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699 Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance.
Ralph King-Griffin Var Foundation inc. 1526	Posted - 2014.05.22 19:29:00 - [130] - Quote start posting these in his cubicle "CAKE CANNOT HOLD UP TO BEING A CHARACTER DAMNIT." Unsuccessful At Everything
Sibyyl Brave Collective 1221	Posted - 2014.05.23 14:52:00 - [131] - Quote All of us who are rank and file get these office chairs that feel like you're sitting on a bag of potatoes. One day I went to another building to smoke in its atrium while also avoiding somebody and I spotted this exec room with Aerons. Sometimes I work pretty late with the janitor being the only other living soul in the building. So one night I wheel out one of these chairs, put it at my desk and enjoy the spoils. So embarrassingly one day I'm on NineWest micromanaging my shopping cart and this lady in a blue pantsuit sidles up to me and asks me if she can take her chair back. Can't even believe the nerve on this strange person, I scoff and look confused like how could you possibly think I'd give you my my chair. I was ready with a story about a lumbar thing and the department expense card, and she squeaks: You know that's the only room we have with blue chairs, followed up with a look of "how could you? what would your mother say?". Immediately I look at her suit, then at the chair (I had to do it twice) and then begged and groveled for this not to go to my boss. I hate these potato chairs.
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 116154	Posted - 2014.05.24 13:16:00 - [132] - Quote I just caught up on the ones ive missed. This has to be the best read on the forums. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commisar Kate
Debora Tsung The Investment Bankers Guild 1081	Posted - 2014.05.27 12:03:00 - [133] - Quote bumb, because I can. Stupidity should be a bannable offense. Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699 Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance.
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 13823	Posted - 2014.05.30 00:09:00 - [134] - Quote Every year for the past 5 years Ive gotten a little questionnaire from the bossman. Ive determined it to be some kind of tool for determining who is the right people to be moved up into management or executive positions. I have never taken these things seriously, and I am convinced that I only receive them at this point due my responses. The questions are centered around what you would change and how if you were to be put in charge, and how it would effect the office. Every year I answer with something. Last year, I told them that this floor would be turned into a genetic laboratory with the goal of creating a rideable T-Rex for me to use as personal transportation, thus increasing productivity through fear and quickness. Sounded fantastic to me, but apparently wasn't what they wanted to hear. This years sheet has come, and ive decided that my past ideas weren't as fleshed out as they might want it, and that's why no one took them seriously. This years will be slightly more comprehensive. "My idea is a two pronged plan for increasing productivity. The first prong shall be as follows: The space between all sections shall be increased to exactly 8 feet. This can be accomplished by simply moving the existing sections 1.5 feet towards the outer walls through means of either volunteer manual labor, or labor appropriated from other floors through nefarious means. While this would indeed severely diminish the walking around on the outer walls, the increased center walkway would provide a more 'superhighway' like experience directly from the large express elevators directly back to the back offices, and all sections would have their opening oriented to face this new thoroughfare. The second prong of my plan is where the most changes will be made, and where productivity is increased. Section 5 shall be converted to stables where small ponies will be housed and taken care of. All current section 5 staff will be retrained as stable workers and will all complete training in Equine Husbandry. There will be 4 ponies housed in the new stable area. There will be directed the creation of a 4/5 scale Roman Chariot, to be adourned in gold with the crest of a muffin. This chariot will be just the right size to fit in the express elevator when completely assembled and hitched to the ponies. I shall then drape myself in flowing robes of finery in the style of a Toga, and ride my chariot through the office in display of my power. I would recommend that we also form an imperial guard, who would be equipped with both blade and polearm to serve as both protector of the newly crowned Caesar, and the dispensers of office justice. There will also be auditions held to determine who in the office has the most talent with a horn, and they shall be made my herald who will sound the horn in preparation of my presence. The office will be held in line through both oppressive rule and kindness. All who fail to live up to standards shall be made to fight gladiatorial style in the breakroom." I think im on to something this year. Also, in an unrelated matter, Kevin smells pretty. Pretty awful. Its like hes wearing a whole bottle of dollar store ladies perfume that someone perhaps went and found during yesterdays lunch time and poured through somones open sunroof onto their drivers seat and also down their cowl into the heater opening. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Sibyyl Gallente Federation 1472	Posted - 2014.06.05 17:30:00 - [135] - Quote Mm. Got hungry at work and needed Mr. Muffin to save me. Muffin on a chariot makes me wonder if some Ben Hur action is coming.. .. when everything else is gone ..
Anslo Scope Works 5239	Posted - 2014.06.05 17:32:00 - [136] - Quote Tired, lazy, can't be arsed to do things needing done, yet somehow get them done right before the deadline perfectly. Haven't shaved cause :effort: I look like a bum who's about to be fired. I got a giant bonus check and an equally large raise. God Bless America -\_For the Proveldtariat_/-
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 14002	Posted - 2014.06.05 19:13:00 - [137] - Quote So busy this week. Deadlines approaching rapidly, additional work piled upon us at the last second. Such is life in the office jungle. IT has implemented a way to block me from the forums on company hardware. It took them long enough. Luckily, I can get a bar or 2 of Wifi from the coffee shop across the street on my tablet thanks to their admin password being "password" (I know.. I was shocked too) and a strategically placed wifi booster on the wall facing the coffee shop. The lengths I go for you people. Monday was much disappoint. The muffins were absent.. replaced with bagels. Now, Im all for a good bagel every now and then, but im not for using a bagel as a stand in for a muffin. Just look at the thing.. its always surprised. Nope. Came in early today to finish a large report that goes out tomorrow That Section 3 dropped the ball on. Sometimes you just got to suck it up, put your head down and power through it. 50 pages and 10 visuals down. I faintly remember hearing the horn that sounds the beginning of Doughnut Thunderdome. I saw the prizes earlier. 3 boxes of those store brand crap doughnuts. Those Hostess wannabe doughnuts. The ones that taste completely of shortening and are covered with so much powdered sugar that you end up looking like you just snorted a line. The ones with the weird jelly ring in the center.. ugh. Ruined by good bakery store doughnuts I have been. Why would people fight over those things? Im sure there were arguments, thrown elbows, shoving.. just for the sake of it. Rhonda the Hutt's suit dress jacket thingy shows the telltale powdered sugar handwipe marks of a victor. Chair Thief Kevin is absent today.. or else he would have surely taken three. He sure is sick alot on Thursdays and Fridays. Sigh. To be an execs pet must be a plush life. Rumor has it Chair Thief Kevin has a key to the next floor's exec bathroom. Ive yet to witness him using it.. not that I go up there much by choice. One does not simply wander through the floor of insanity and madness for no reason. Like Camelot, it is a silly place. Home of the VP who like to say mind bending things that break reality and cause traumatic brain injury. Oh, Chair Thief Kevin had turned in a HR complaint yesterday. Apparently someone superglued his period key down so that e.....v......e...r.y....t..h...I...n...g.... ..h..e.. ..t....y..p...e..s.. ....l....o.....o...k...s... .l..i...k....e. ....t..h.....I...s. I can see how that could be annoying, so his complaint might be justified.. although he didn't put anyones name down as the offender. He might have some fun getting that keyboard unplugged... pretty sure its epoxied into the socket. I can imagine the frustration on the HR ladies face when she read the complaint he typed out... that must have been painful. Probably less painful than an outbreak.. but still.. yeah. Maybe Chair Thief Kevin is gone today due to a period overload? I hear that some periods can be worse than others. Man I want to know what he said when he called out now... Well, im informed that OH Lindy is going to her grandmothers house tonight for dinner. I have placed an order for her potroast and sweet potato pie for my lunch tomorrow. Man I hope that happens.. just thinking about it is making my stomach growl. Ive worked clear through my lunch apparently.. hopefully there.. is.. YES! Emergency package of Beef Jerky in the bottom drawer! This should get me through the end of the day... maybe. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Debora Tsung The Investment Bankers Guild 1106	Posted - 2014.06.06 06:18:00 - [138] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Chair Thief Kevin had turned in a HR complaint yesterday. Apparently someone superglued his period key down . lol, Dramatic Chipmunk, what do you say to this development? Drama Stupidity should be a bannable offense. Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699 Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance.
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 118973	Posted - 2014.06.06 06:26:00 - [139] - Quote Remind me never to **** you off UAE... "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commissar "Cake" Kate
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 14054	Posted - 2014.06.06 20:10:00 - [140] - Quote Well, it took long enough.. but Chair Thief Kevin finally made a comment about having problems with his period. My work is done, for now the highschool mentality that reigns supreme in office settings has taken over.. and now everyone is cracking jokes about Kevin and his periods. Hard to feel comfortable in that chair when even the women are offering you feminine products isn't it Chair Thief? Why did it take so long for him to make that comment? That's all I wanted him to do. Cant blame me for this one Kevin.. its all on you.. You and your periods. Judging by the amount of ridicule and laughter.. id say this will last for at least 2 weeks. Im waiting for Kevin to turn on his desk fan thingy now. There is about 60 packets worth of that uber-sweet 'sweet and low' powder waiting for him in there. The switch is set to 'turbo'.. all he needs to do is turn it on. Should be great times.. he always has it blowing right in his face. Maybe ill go turn down the AC to speed up the process.. Now I sit back and watch my puppets dance the dance of wrath.. and slowly savor bite after bite of OH Lindy's grandma's Roast Beef.. Soon, it will be time for the pinnacle of my day.. those 2 slices of sweet potato pie. I will probably take those up to the roof and enjoy them, so that it feels more like heaven. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 119221	Posted - 2014.06.07 04:17:00 - [141] - Quote I think we should do a faux documentary on your office.... the ratings would be huge. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commissar "Cake" Kate
Sibyyl Gallente Federation 1508	Posted - 2014.06.07 05:27:00 - [142] - Quote I soooo want to read it tonight, but I'm going to save it for the office on Monday. At my staff meeting: Mr. Muffin, I choose you. .. when everything else is gone ..
Jandice Ymladris Aurora Arcology 675	Posted - 2014.06.07 09:02:00 - [143] - Quote I finally catched up Especially enjoyed the training part, as I'm doing the very same, training two people who are fresh from school (so they cant' lie about credentials as they got none!) Funnily enough they turn out to be very similar, girl is being all motivated to learn & work, guy however keeps repeating same mistake over & over again. If I ever get grey hairs I know why. Management insists 'he just needs more time to learn' Right, we're 12 months further and I can't still trust him to operate the machinery alone! While I can trust the girl to operate the very same machinery alone, even resolving minor issues, unless it has a bad day. Also recognized some other stereotypes (gender may vary) , funny to notice that some people characteristics are shared across workplaces worldwide. Guess that's why they're called stereotypes, because often they hold some truth to it. Keep up the writing! I really enjoyed it, and while I have no knowledge of how office cubicles work, there's still enough situations that I recognize and enjoy Mercenaries for peace: Mordu's Legion -á-áSansha Aeon Supercarrier engaged in Haras System!
Debora Tsung The Investment Bankers Guild 1108	Posted - 2014.06.07 14:15:00 - [144] - Quote Epic. I wish I could see his face when it happens. Dramatic Chipmunk Might need some Help from Dramatic Cupcake Dog on this one. EDIT: and Maybe, just maybe also from the animal ception crew. Stupidity should be a bannable offense. Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699 Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance.
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 119504	Posted - 2014.06.09 15:18:00 - [145] - Quote UAE i have a request. Might we OOPE denizens be granted to gave upon the latest incarnation of Mr Muffin when he is reborn anew? Love to see your handiwork. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commissar "Cake" Kate
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 14194	Posted - 2014.06.11 19:52:00 - [146] - Quote Sarcasti-Trek. Effort, the unknown frontier. These are the voyages of Sarcastiship Effortprise. Its continuing mission: To get handed the work of others who failed to even start it for like.. 2 weeks, to meet unrealistic deadlines set in place by fantasy world executives, to bodly spit sarcasm like no one has done before.... [insert Section 2 wailing the original Star Trek opening theme at the top of their voices...] Captains blog.. stardate.. whatever the hell yesterday was. [Shatner mode: Engaged] Weve been handed ...someone elses assignment ...due to the fact that they have even..failed to start it. Im...UNSURE.. of this deadline weve been handed. Two weeks would be.. appropriate.. but weve been given just 4 days. Four..DAYS to complete this assignment. [Shatner mode: Disengaged]. What is this current aversion to effort that people have? The Section originally assigned this work could even attempt to half-ass it.. hell, half-assed would have been something. Id settle for quarter-assing it at this point. But Nooooooooooo, lets give them a pass and give it to the section who gets god. damn. results. Well, this is what we get for being good at what we do and put our whole asses into it. Yesterday, a midlevel exec shows up. He looks at us in Section 2 and literally just hands us the project with only the words "You have 4 days." I take a glance at the requirments and noted at the top is the timeframe of 13-16 days, start date was 5/26. I hand it back to the man, "its impossible. That's a 2 week minimum project.. 10 days at least." He hands me back the sheet. "You have four.". I hand it back to him. "We are far too busy inventing this time machine at the moment to do a two week project in 4 days. Perhaps after we have completed our task, we could use said time machine to go back in time 2 weeks so that we could get it done, but then of course, we would alter history, and having had to work on this unrealistic project instead of our time machine, we would never invent our time machine, making it impossible to complete this task. Its a paradox sir, and im not willing to risk the universe's very existence in order to complete something in an unrealistic timeframe that has obviously been assigned to another Section since last month." Angrily, he grabs my hand, places the paper in it and reinforces the fact that it is due in 4 days and its all on us. "You can use your Star Trek magic to fix it." he said while walking off. Me, being me, goes straight into Bane mode. [Bane mode: Engaged] Oh, you believe that sarcasm is your ally! I was born of sarcasm.. Raised by it... molded by it. I didn't hear an honest sentence until I was already a man, and then, it was merely ...amusing! [Bane mode: Disengaged] "Oh, im not being sarcastic." he speaks from down the row. Sarcasm detectors three states away exploded from the readings off of our 'conversation'. Immeadiately, Section 2 goes into full-assed effort and smart-ass modes. The four of us bang out 4 days worth of this thing in 1, the entire time we would use raised voices to re-enact start trek scenes. "Ensign Lindy, engage unrealistic drive!" "We cant captain! Were trapped in some kind of.. thing.. that's on..the wing!" "Dammit ensign! That's...my ..dramatic pause... and youre mixing up shows... and not... making any sense!" "Engineer Scott (dudes name is actually Scott.. it worked out perfectly.), status of the effort engines?" "Whole asses engaged sir! Were giving it all weve got!" "Not good enough Mr Scott! We need.. to give it... more asses!" and at that.. all sarcastic hell broke loose. It slowly de-evolved into monkey noises , caveman grunts and quantitative ass jokes.. Anyways, with the four of us on this, itll be done by Friday, even if I have to come in early to get it polished off. I think we are digging our own graves at this point. If we pull this off, we are opening ourselves to having more of this tight deadline ** shoved down our throats. But such is like any job out there, you do something above and beyond once, its then expected of you every single time. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Jonah Gravenstein Machiavellian Space Bastards 18719	Posted - 2014.06.11 20:06:00 - [147] - Quote Your management needs more pssshhhh. Do 1/2 a job and tell them they should be thankful they got that; name and shame the manager involved and point out the discrepancy between the original estimated time scale and the actual time scale you were given. Eve is an introduction to teamwork, paranoia, dealing with consequences, coping with loss, economics, long term planning, bartering, astronomy, and the theory of ~~space~~ submarine travel. Nil mortifi sine lucre
Debora Tsung The Investment Bankers Guild 1115	Posted - 2014.06.11 21:39:00 - [148] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Sarcasm detectors three states away exploded from the readings off of our 'conversation'. Those were probably property of the NSA, highly experimental and almost finished. And you destroyed them. My hero. Stupidity should be a bannable offense. Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699 Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance.
Jonah Gravenstein Machiavellian Space Bastards 19052	Posted - 2014.06.20 09:15:00 - [149] - Quote I imagine that this is a common occurrence in UAE's office Nil mortifi sine lucre
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 120669	Posted - 2014.06.20 09:19:00 - [150] - Quote Jonah Gravenstein wrote: I imagine that this is a common occurrence in UAE's office How did you get access to my secret office training guide???? "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commissar "Cake" Kate
Mizhir Euphoria Released Triumvirate. 63680	Posted - 2014.06.20 09:29:00 - [151] - Quote Just caught up with the stories. Can't wait to hear what happens when the fan is turned on. One Man Crew - Collective solo pvp
Jonah Gravenstein Machiavellian Space Bastards 19052	Posted - 2014.06.20 09:44:00 - [152] - Quote Graygor wrote: Jonah Gravenstein wrote: I imagine that this is a common occurrence in UAE's office How did you get access to my secret office training guide???? One of your PA's has a weakness for these. Nil mortifi sine lucre
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 120677	Posted - 2014.06.20 10:05:00 - [153] - Quote Jonah Gravenstein wrote: Graygor wrote: Jonah Gravenstein wrote: I imagine that this is a common occurrence in UAE's office How did you get access to my secret office training guide???? One of your PA's has a weakness for these. You cunning bastard.... well played sir. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commissar "Cake" Kate
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 14621	Posted - 2014.06.20 20:48:00 - [154] - Quote I have taken this week off of work. Sometimes its good for the soul to literally say "** it." This was one of those times. Did I miss my muffin? Of course. But Monday at home was waffles, bacon and eggs.. and sorry Mr Muffin, but I would cheat on you anyday with that combo. Plus, while its easy to make a waffle talk, my wife doesn't exactly put up talking confections in the house. Did I miss Doughnut Thunderdome? Of course. Watching grown human beings de-evolve into primates over fried dough topped with sugar is probably the best thing that anyone could do with their lives.. beyond muffin puppetry or being a chef who is tasked with creating new bacon recipes. Did I miss Pie-day? Dunno. I haven't received my report from my minions. Im sure it was more store bought crap. Im actually baking cookies at the moment , which I will then turn into icecream sandwiches later, so that will kinda make up for it. So all in all, I don't really miss work that much. What did I miss? Kevin's sugary whirlwind! Yeah.. that bastard waited until I was gone to do it. Lindy and the crew told me it was freakin epic. That super sweet cloud hazed up the entire half of the floor.. and now Kevin's desk and entire area are crazy sticky. I wish I could have seen it. The best part is.. I WASNT THERE. My wrath transcends my physical location Kevin... Im everywhere.. yet nowhere... I am the ninja. Here is the kicker though.. Kevin hasn't used his fan since, and I have it on very good authority that it has been refilled with a half containers worth of powdered almond coffee creamer. Now.. we wait. I hope that im present for this one. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Jamwara DelCalicoe Ashley Lords.Of.Midnight The Devil's Warrior Alliance 176	Posted - 2014.06.20 21:34:00 - [155] - Quote just read pgs 1-8 straight through... I've a designated list of names from office, Brenna the Hutt not withstanding. I like to bring her those delicious 1,568 calorie cinnamon rolls from Starbucks for breakfast after she's already eaten four bagels and the neighbor's cat. Why, you ask? Because I enjoy the sound of screaming denim, that's why. I was adopted at 3d old and passed off as only a day old muffin. By now, everyone knows better but my family likes me enough to have kept me in spite of being so very similar to you. I think we might be related. If so, chive on brobot. I hope we meet eventually - the world would never be the same. o/ https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=331004 - thank me later
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 14803	Posted - 2014.06.26 18:40:00 - [156] - Quote This morning, in an unscheduled meeting, we were told we are going to be issued company cellphones because research has shown that more people are texting instead of conversing via voice. I cannot stand texting. That's not really fair, what I cannot stand is the way people type when texting. When I text, I use complete words and sentences and punctuation. When I get texts, its all OMG Y R U LOL cuz IM nt hr rt nw k? ;). The **? Now im really going to need to conduct business this way? Im so glad I did well in school and went to college, just so later in life I can be forced to regress into a text addicted 12yo in order to be successful at my job. This once again proves that execs don't live in reality, and consultants are utterly useless. So, now as a kneejerk reaction to news like this, ive pretty much gone into full smartass mode. All emails have been sent typed with my thumbs with smileys, and all conversations have been done in text speak. I think ive used the word "Winky face" about 12 times so far, and instead of laughing, I just look all deadpan and say "LOL". Ive walked away from 3 conversations saying 'brb'. I guess that I just need to make a point with management that 'Nothing typed with ones thumbs has ever been worth reading.' I think I heard that on an episode of The Boondocks. Great show. Many life lessons can be learned from it. Riley does a beautiful expose on urination in regards to the R Kelley case years ago, and I still go to youtube and watch it every once in a while. Well, im pretty much done for the day at this point. Ive found that if im perfectly quiet and stare out the window for long periods of time, it makes the office very nervous. I love that sometimes the best troll is the troll you never have to do. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Kijo Rikki Powder and Ball Alchemists Union The Predictables 859	Posted - 2014.06.26 18:55:00 - [157] - Quote In some strange alternate universe, mankind has learned to send text messages by pushing a single button and speaking into their portable typewriter. The technology isn't perfect, and often harmless phrases are warped and misinterpreted by the central mainframe to mean far more malicious things and has resulted in several race riots, high profile murders and in one instance, nearly started world war 3. During the Google Witch Hunts of 2017 so much focus was put on the programmers of Google Voice that the irony of using voice to text software escaped everyone... You make a valid point, good Sir or Madam.-á
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 14811	Posted - 2014.06.26 19:04:00 - [158] - Quote Oh god.. I cant wait until a HR complaint happens due to autocorrect! SHW ME UR BOOBS. Its amazing what a simple statement asking to see ones footwear via text could do if allowed to be manipulated by Apple. Nope, cant see how this will end badly for me at all. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Ralph King-Griffin Lords.Of.Midnight The Devil's Warrior Alliance 2270	Posted - 2014.06.26 19:06:00 - [159] - Quote you dun got smartphoned. "Confirming EVE is hot, batshit crazy, and puts out." -Omar Alharazaad "CAKE CANNOT HOLD UP TO BEING A CHARACTER DAMNIT." --áUnsuccessful At Everything
Jonah Gravenstein Machiavellian Space Bastards 19343	Posted - 2014.06.26 19:36:00 - [160] - Quote Kijo Rikki wrote: During the Google Witch Hunts of 2017 So that's why a certain someone stopped blogging, he's infiltrating Google to pursue his new vocation in life. Nil mortifi sine lucre
KnowUsByTheDead Sunlight...Through The Blight. 1977	Posted - 2014.06.26 21:55:00 - [161] - Quote UAE... I love your stories of office terrorism. I just wanted you to know. Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the comedian is the only thing that makes sense.
Kor Kilden Thukker Tribe Holdings Inc. Gathering Of Nomadic Explorers 28	Posted - 2014.07.04 03:47:00 - [162] - Quote UAE, you are a twisted, terrible person for whom humanity is worse off claiming as one of it's own. I want lessons (and lessons for other people that don't know they're being taught).
Solecist Project Deeper Feelings Inc. 2976	Posted - 2014.07.05 08:45:00 - [163] - Quote Finally got to read through this ... http://Solecist.imgur.com Deeper Feelings Inc. --áWe make it feel real. ;) Hey CCP, what's wrong with the portraits? op success??

ISD Ezwal ISD Community Communications Liaisons 1676	Posted - 2014.07.05 13:17:00 - [164] - Quote Please be advise that spamming the forum to get your name to show as last poster on every thread in the first index page, might have consequences. Please refrain from doing so in the future as this can be quite detrimental to the state and well being of the forum, especially if more people start doing it as some form of competition. ISD Ezwal Captain Community Communication Liaisons (CCLs) Interstellar Services Department

Ralph King-Griffin Lords.Of.Midnight The Devil's Warrior Alliance 2492	Posted - 2014.07.05 13:56:00 - [165] - Quote ISD Ezwal wrote: especially if more people start doing it as some form of competition. confirming i was considering this, then i thought "i should go outside" "Confirming EVE is hot, batshit crazy, and puts out." -Omar Alharazaad "CAKE CANNOT HOLD UP TO BEING A CHARACTER DAMNIT." --áUnsuccessful At Everything
Nemessiah Losshelin Oath of the Forsaken Sanguis Ignis Prosperitum 4	Posted - 2014.07.10 08:56:00 - [166] - Quote Confirming this is one of the greatest things ever. Please don't leave us without the office diaries for much longer UAE. A lazors, lazors, lazors, lazors, lazors everywhere.
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 15142	Posted - 2014.07.11 17:18:00 - [167] - Quote Fantastic stuff this week. The air conditioning went out on our floor. That in itself is not fantastic.. actually.. quite the opposite. Sitting in what I can only describe as ball soup thanks to the companies newly adopted dress code of black 'dockers' style pants and long sleeve white shirts all week was just not fantastic. So what was? The fact that every one of us here in Section 2 forgot about OHL's reset of the Kevin sugar fan trap. The AC goes out... the office gets warmer and warmer.. then suddenly.. coffee creamer fog explosion! No one knew what was happening... it looked like an epic volcano eruption. By the time we all looked over.. Kevin looked like a marble statue.. at least his face did. The entire corner of the floor where he is stationed was in a thick haze. The floor goes absolutely silent. I mean dead quiet. You could literally hear the everdying case fan of my computer because it was so quiet. In unison... the entire floor slowly turns and looks at me. It was the creepiest thing ive ever seen. Ever. im talking children of the corn ** here. Im literally speechless at this point. I don't know what to do here.. do I laugh maniacally.. or act surprised? I mean.. this wasn't me.. not at all, but I know who did it.. I approved 100%.. and Kevin deserved it. So being me, I do what comes naturally.. with the entire office looking at me, I shrug my shoulders and go "would you look at that.. the building next door is being painted.. huh.. about time." and go back to typing on the computer. Section 2 lost it.. they were rolling on floor and laughing into their folded arms on the desks. Steve across the room started the loud donkey laugh hes known for. Half the office started laughing.. the other half became enraged. Im glad I can be such a polarizing force. Kevin went home to change his clothes. Which was for the best. his personal hygiene leaves much to be desired.. and the warm days have taken its toll on that corner of the floor. You know.. that coffee creamer fog kinda helped the smell over there. So the bossman was tasked with the investigation of the incident. He knows it had to be me who did it.. but there is literally nothing tying me to this. I haven't been over there for.. what.. about 2 weeks? Something like that. I avoid Kevin whenever possible. Bossman questioned just about everyone trying to see who was over there in the last few days.. Im sorry to report that he has found no suspects.. although I remain a person of interest. He even asked me directly.. and I was able to say truthfully "it wasn't me.". He knew id admit it if I had done that. I don't rat out my section either.. so yeah. Now I felt bad for only one reason.. Lupe would have to clean this up. I put an envelope with some extra money and a giftcard for some lunch under my keyboard and text her to look there. She wasn't mad, she laughed. She wished we had gotten a picture of Kevin all powdered up. So that was the highlight of the week. Good stuff there. The AC is still broken.. and we still have to wear these dockers.. Ive resorted to bring a change of skivvies to swap out around lunch time. They promise us that the AC will be fixed by the end of the week.. but here it is Friday.. and its still not fixed. Thank god I can go up to the roof during breaks and get some much needed air.... although the smokers go up there.. so I wouldn't call it fresh air exactly.. but hey..it is what it is right? I came in late Monday and missed the muffin rush. I scolded OHL for not getting one for me. She knew how important it was for office morale. If it happens again.. well.. stuff. I cant stay mad at her. She brought me pie today. Peach pie with pralines. I only hope it tastes as good as it looks. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Debora Tsung The Investment Bankers Guild 1171	Posted - 2014.07.11 17:45:00 - [168] - Quote lol, I wish I could've seen that. Stupidity should be a bannable offense. Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699 Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance.
Jonah Gravenstein Machiavellian Space Bastards 19562	Posted - 2014.07.11 18:07:00 - [169] - Quote We need pictures of OHL, and her food gifts.... FOR SCIENCE! Nil mortifi sine lucre
Erin Crawford 133	Posted - 2014.07.11 19:31:00 - [170] - Quote this should be turned into a tv series!
Skalle Pande Teknisk Forlag 74	Posted - 2014.07.14 01:15:00 - [171] - Quote My God, this is funny. My youngest was a bit worried about dad repeatedly breaking down with hysterical laughter throughout all of sunday afternoon. UAE, your name is badly chosen. You certainly are a very accomplished writer
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 15245	Posted - 2014.07.14 21:04:00 - [172] - Quote Today I look back on my career with fond memories. Its another anniversary of my hiring. I dare not count how long its been, for I don't want to think about it. It feels like forever. but a semi-decent forever. Ive learned so much from this place over the years: The Macarena is gone and over. You cannot bring it back no matter how good you are at it. Hammer pants are not approved office wear, and yelling STOP, HAMMERTIME! at random times is apparently inappropriate. Just because you have the moves like Jagger, does not mean you have the right to use them. Vuvuzelas are not to be blown at any time in an office environment because meetings. I am not a mariachi band member. Star Wars references are lost on executives, and they don't find their lack of anything to be disturbing. Using an Adam West era Batman costume to recreate a scene from Christian Bale era Batman movies is wrong because spandex and menacing don't mix. One should not use a pencil as a mail opener because force + really stick envelope = broken pencil projectile sticking in wall next to Rhonda the Hutt. Talking to yourself is acceptable if you have an earbud in, so is making random comments about coworkers. Executives will hire 7 people to do a job that 1 person can do, yet will still assign 7 people worth of work to 1 person. It is insanely easy to get an HR complaint. Security cameras tend to record things. This can be both a good thing, and a bad thing. Sigh. There are just so many more lessons I have learned through the years. I shudder to think just how many more I will need to learn the hard way. So today I celebrate with Sterling Archer Muffin. His sarcastic and witty one liners bring much happiness to the office. Hes like James Bond muffin... with all of the vices, but none of the virtues. I only wish I had something I could make a tactileneck sweater with, although shirtless he looks a lot like Burt Reynolds in Gator. I just hope none of his womanizing comments get me in the DAAANGER ZOOOONE with HR... although that would be a fitting anniversary gift to myself. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Debora Tsung The Investment Bankers Guild 1173	Posted - 2014.07.15 06:53:00 - [173] - Quote Fun thing with earbuds, it used to be that if you saw a person talking to itself, you'd want to stay away because that guy is clearly crazy. Nowadays we want to get closer to get a look at his headset, because it's so awesome and hightech, you can't even see it. Stupidity should be a bannable offense. Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699 Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance.
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 15731	Posted - 2014.07.24 18:07:00 - [174] - Quote Time to come clean. For the past couple weeks, I have been tied up with legal over a supposed breach of my NDA with the company. Someone from Section 2 (he says while glaring at that someone...) decided to share the link to The Office Diaries with someone else (he says loathingly). That someone else (now off the Christmas list) shared it with an unnamed person (ill find you..), who I apparently irritated (gasp of surprise). The result: Legal dept was informed that I had breached my NDA. I was told to cease The Office Diaries while it was investigated. Links were shared, meetings were had. Fun times all around. From: ***, [@******.com] Sent: Friday, July 18, 2014 10:13 AM To: Legal Department, Lead [*@******.com] Subject: Re: Possible breach of NDA *, I havenGÇÖt heard anything from legal on my supposed breach of my NDA in regards to my thread on the Eve Online Forums. Any word? * Supervisor, Section 2 From: ****,* [*@******.com] Sent: Wednesday, July 23, 2014 3:13 PM To: *, [@******.com] Subject: Re: Re: Possible breach of NDA , I apologize that we have not gotten back to you. The entirety of the blog you have written has been reviewed. At this time we cannot find any breach of the NDA you signed. You have redacted all necessary materials, and changed all names as necessary. We can find no references to our company name or location, or disclosure of any project materials or documentation. The sharing of emails is a borderline issue, but we are allowing it due to the high level of redaction. As long as you keep up this level of security, you are cleared to continue. Please be advised that we will monitor your blog for future violations. On a personal note, you may want to edit out some unfavorable mentions of the executives and management. They have been made aware of your blog due to the review by the legal department, and may not look kindly on things you have said. That being said, you have gotten many laughs from us here in legal, and this explains so much about the rumors we have heard. Keep up the good work and muffin on! * **** Legal Department Lead From: *, [@******.com] Sent: Thurday, July 24, 2014 9:27 AM To: Legal Department, Lead [*@******.com] Subject: Re: Re: Re: Possible breach of NDA *, Fantastic. I told you guys there was literally nothing on there that could breach the NDA. I guess this is what happens when we have an over-zealous person trying to get me fired due to muffin envy. Now that youGÇÖve read the thread, I doubt you will disclose to me who it was who brought this upGÇª for reasons. On the changing or editing the thread because of management, I regret nothing. They know how I feel, its nothing I havenGÇÖt said out loud to them at least ten or eleven times. Feel free to keep reading, and let me know if anything on the Eve online forums peaks your interest, or if you want to play. Im sure I can kick you a buddy invite! Eve needs more space lawyers. *** Supervisor, Section 2 So, after a couple weeks in purgatory, TOD has been cleared to continue, and on a lesser note I wont lose my job. Legalman (nickname in the works.. I may go with Darth Legal or Legalas as hes a LOTR fan) may have accidentally coined a new meme: "Keep Calm and Muffin on!". Ill need to work on the picture. Crowns look like muffin silhouettes , so this should be a slam dunk. After this, I think the company owes me just a little bit, so ill have the graphics guys print me up a poster for the wall. Now that I know you are reading this.. You have seen what ive done to the IT guy.. You've seen what happens when you steal my chair.. You know what I am capable of.. I will find you. Rest assured that when I do, you will feel my wrath. wrath will fall within the bounds of company rules and will not be punishable by any means. All wrath will be cleared by legal to make sure it conforms to all city, state and federal laws. All subsequent damages to company property will be reimbursed as usual. So it kinda figures that absolutely no Doughnut drama happened during Thunderdome today. I swear.. sometimes its like fate doesn't want me to be happy... not that im admitting that Doughnut Thunderdome makes me happy.. Ok it kinda does. It probably has to do with this new office weight loss thing that management is trying to push. We do a weekly weigh in on Friday and the groups who loses the most by August 15th gets some kind of prize. Please let it be an ironic prize.. like a gift card to a restaurant. Here.. congrats on losing 10 pounds! Hers a ticket to an all you can eat buffet! Woo! Good thing that I don't eat the breakroom food.. I only play with it. Keep Calm And Muffin On! (yep.. this is happening.) *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Jamwara DelCalicoe Ashley Lords.Of.Midnight The Devil's Warrior Alliance 247	Posted - 2014.07.25 00:06:00 - [175] - Quote reports of me donating 1,568cal Morning Buns to our portly employees have gone public ... heh ... vOv https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=331004 - thank me later
Marcus Gord Stormcrows 61693	Posted - 2014.07.25 10:13:00 - [176] - Quote UAE, i suggest putting the new line into your sig? 'Keep Calm and Muffin On' also, hi2u UAE's colleagues, from the UK o/ You can't take the sky from me ".....Storm'd at with shot and shell, Boldly they rode and well....."
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 15847	Posted - 2014.07.28 20:34:00 - [177] - Quote Muffin Down!!!! Mediiiiic!!! Stay with me!!!! Nooooooooo!!!!!!! Don't you die dammit!!!! [sad music] "Ive seen things you people wouldn't believe.. ive seen people damn near set on fire during Doughnut Thunderdome, ive seen artificial sugar glittering off Kevin's trousers and face.. all those.. moments.. lost.. because you made a muffin out of cake. Time ..to die." No.. no.... don't go you melodramatic SOB! In retrospect, this was all my fault. I knew he couldn't handle this. He wasn't a muffin..he was a frostingless cupcake.. DAMN YOU!!!! Also partially my fault that he mouthed off within arms reach of Rhonda the Hutt. Ive lost good men in the past that way.. WHY DIDNT I REMEMBER?!??!?!! Why do we not have signs warning people about her? Or at least a line on the floor.. SOMETHING!!!!! Sigh. He had a good run. Were pretty sure Jenny is a replicant. Her responses and timing this morning were a bit odd. I just don't think it was a good trade off for that information. Mr Muffin wasn't a Bothan. Everyone knows that if you need info, you just massacre some Bothans and boom! info! You just don't do that with sentient muffins. Sorry for mixing Blade Runner and Star wars references.. but they both have Harrison Ford.. so im sure its Ok to do that. Seriously though.. on that sign thing.. that really needs to happen. Rhonda the Hutt has an incredible reach.. and with those nail extensions its like dealing with a long armed Tyranosaur. Just reaching over and ripping off half a muffins head.. who does that? Its going to take some trial and error to work out her reach perimeter. Il need to mark it on the floor somehow too. But the wildcard is the chair... it can roll.. so her reach can vary wildly. What if she uses some kind of reach improving implement? Ok, the thought of that is simply terrifying. Can no Character Snack be safe from her? I know what youre thinking, but I am just unwilling to not bring a muffin in her vicinity.. not on Mondays. Not when the muffins have so much sass to give. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Random McNally Red Federation RvB - RED Federation 66703	Posted - 2014.07.29 11:31:00 - [178] - Quote You come across a tortoise lying on it's back... Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Valkin Mordirc 54	Posted - 2014.08.03 11:41:00 - [179] - Quote Best Thread ever, Of all time. Psychotic Monk for CSM9
Ralph King-Griffin Lords.Of.Midnight The Devil's Warrior Alliance 3490	Posted - 2014.08.03 11:54:00 - [180] - Quote Bull ****, don't get risk averse on us now. Buy 50 ~~T1 muffins~~ frosting less cupcakes and take them within her reach... "Confirming EVE is hot, batshit crazy, and puts out." -Omar Alharazaad "CAKE CANNOT HOLD UP TO BEING A CHARACTER DAMNIT." --áUnsuccessful At Everything
Skalle Pande Teknisk Forlag 75	Posted - 2014.08.03 23:18:00 - [181] - Quote Ralph King-Griffin wrote: Bull ****, don't get risk averse on us now. Buy 50 ~~T1 muffins~~ frosting less cupcakes and take them within her reach... Seems workable. And then keep the one real muffin just out of reach. Or Camouflage it and hide it in the crowd. In fact, you might even set a trap: Find some edible and shapable but very gooey, gluey jelly-like stuff, and shpe it up like a muffin and roll it in muffin crumbs and frosting. When Rhonda the Hutt's fingernails reach and grab, she will be out of the competition for half an hour or so while she gets the jelly off her nasty nails...Next time, she might be just that little bit more wary and hesitant and you may get the split second you need to get Mr Muffin out of harms way.
Jamwara DelCalicoe Ashley Lords.Of.Midnight The Devil's Warrior Alliance 269	Posted - 2014.08.04 22:27:00 - [182] - Quote Skalle Pande wrote: Ralph King-Griffin wrote: Bull ****, don't get risk averse on us now. Buy 50 ~~T1 muffins~~ frosting less cupcakes and take them within her reach... Seems workable. And then keep the one real muffin just out of reach. Or Camouflage it and hide it in the crowd. In fact, you might even set a trap: Find some edible and shapable but very gooey, gluey jelly-like stuff, and shpe it up like a muffin and roll it in muffin crumbs and frosting. When Rhonda the Hutt's fingernails reach and grab, she will be out of the competition for half an hour or so while she gets the jelly off her nasty nails...Next time, she might be just that little bit more wary and hesitant and you may get the split second you need to get Mr Muffin out of harms way. What if you started making Faction Muffins that looked like not-muffins ... for instance, a calculator or a mouse ... that way, after "all of the T1/2 Muffins" had been sold on the market you could flood the market with Faction Muffins. What if you made a muffin mug and lined it with frosting that took a while to soak through.. you could drink her tears and eat the evidence. https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=331004 - thank me later
Ralph King-Griffin Lords.Of.Midnight The Devil's Warrior Alliance 3548	Posted - 2014.08.04 23:16:00 - [183] - Quote Jamwara DelCalicoe Ashley wrote: Skalle Pande wrote: Ralph King-Griffin wrote: Bull ****, don't get risk averse on us now. Buy 50 ~~T1 muffins~~ frosting less cupcakes and take them within her reach... Seems workable. And then keep the one real muffin just out of reach. Or Camouflage it and hide it in the crowd. In fact, you might even set a trap: Find some edible and shapable but very gooey, gluey jelly-like stuff, and shpe it up like a muffin and roll it in muffin crumbs and frosting. When Rhonda the Hutt's fingernails reach and grab, she will be out of the competition for half an hour or so while she gets the jelly off her nasty nails...Next time, she might be just that little bit more wary and hesitant and you may get the split second you need to get Mr Muffin out of harms way. What if you started making Faction Muffins that looked like not-muffins ... for instance, a calculator or a mouse ... that way, after "all of the T1/2 Muffins" had been sold on the market you could flood the market with Faction Muffins. What if you made a muffin mug and lined it with frosting that took a while to soak through.. you could drink her tears and eat the evidence. Did we just invent the covops muffin...I think we did. =][=
Jamwara DelCalicoe Ashley Lords.Of.Midnight The Devil's Warrior Alliance 271	Posted - 2014.08.04 23:17:00 - [184] - Quote Ralph King-Griffin wrote: Jamwara DelCalicoe Ashley wrote: Skalle Pande wrote: Ralph King-Griffin wrote: Bull ****, don't get risk averse on us now. Buy 50 ~~T1 muffins~~ frosting less cupcakes and take them within her reach... Seems workable. And then keep the one real muffin just out of reach. Or Camouflage it and hide it in the crowd. In fact, you might even set a trap: Find some edible and shapable but very gooey, gluey jelly-like stuff, and shpe it up like a muffin and roll it in muffin crumbs and frosting. When Rhonda the Hutt's fingernails reach and grab, she will be out of the competition for half an hour or so while she gets the jelly off her nasty nails...Next time, she might be just that little bit more wary and hesitant and you may get the split second you need to get Mr Muffin out of harms way. What if you started making Faction Muffins that looked like not-muffins ... for instance, a calculator or a mouse ... that way, after "all of the T1/2 Muffins" had been sold on the market you could flood the market with Faction Muffins. What if you made a muffin mug and lined it with frosting that took a while to soak through.. you could drink her tears and eat the evidence. Did we just invent the covops muffin...I think we did. CovOps Muffin = Muffin with icing posing at regular conscript https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=331004 - thank me later
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 16139	Posted - 2014.08.05 01:41:00 - [185] - Quote First ill start off by saying.. there will not be cov-ops muffins without some form of AFK muffin cloaking. I wouldn't even know how to pull that off. Perhaps leaving an empty package with empty muffin wrappers... naw. Flooding the office with the smell of muffins..but there never being any muffins... that may work... will need to work on this. Now, in a completely unrelated non-muffin topic (blasphemy), I got to prove a point to the bossman today. Every couple of weeks I'm required to present a report presentation on numbers for section 2. I hate this for 2 reasons. Reason 1 is that it is completely pointless busy work, that is a waste of my time. All of these numbers are very easily accessible through our computer system, and it will even print you out some rather nice looking graphs (hint hint..these are what i use for the presentations). The VP has access to these report at all times, he just refuses to use them. Reason2 is the main reason I hate this, the VP in charge of this doesnt even pay attention to the presentation he demands we do. He sits there..with a Bluetooth headset on, and listens to something on his smartphone. He doesn't even look at the screens..not one bit. Ive tested this theory by putting small things in the reports that would have gotten a reaction, and random graphs that mean nothing at all. At the end, he just shakes my hand, says "keep up the good work" and leaves. Wasted this time was. Ive told the bossman about this, and he has never believed me once. Today, I asked him to sit in on the presentation and watch. "don't say a work about what you see..act like its normal." is all I told him. The smile on his face told me he knew was about to happen. The presentation starts as normal. Within 45 seconds, I see the VP whip out the smartphone and go into la-la land. Slide 3 hits right on time. The title is the only thing intelligible on the screen. Its filled with random words, ASCII phalluses and wingdings. VP is unphased. I continue talking like normal. Slide 4 is a graph..clearly upside down, graphing the progress of tyrannosaurus egg breakfast in relation to money spent on Coca-Cola in the vending machine. Nothing. I say "wouldn't you agree?" to the VP after having said "I feel like chicken tonight", he looks up and says "yes yes, should be fine.". slide 6 is filled with the word "muffin". 210 times. I am now talking unintelligible. During slide 7, recited Liam Neeson's 'TAKEN' phone call, with a picture of a blue line with a heart in it. By slide 10, the bossman is in tears. He's red faced from holding in laughter. Everyone else is puzzled as all hell, half of them with the 'dafuq did I just sit through?' look. Slide 11 is the last one, simply says "don't shake my hand, I didn't wash after using the bathroom, and it was a 2 roller marathon." I bring the lights up, and the VP comes back from la-la dimension . I walk over and hold out my hand. He shakes it. People are in shock. "excellent work, keep it up." is all he says and leaves. Bossman ***** loses it. Hes rolling on the conference room table, beet red faced, tears rolling down his face laughing. People start leaving just mind blown. Not one person is willing to look me in the eye, no one shakes my hand. Good times. Good news everyone! I don't have to do useless report presentations anymore! Bossman finally sees what I'm talking about and agrees 100% about it being a waste of everyone time. We then had a discussion about what 13375P34K is. Good stuff. Coffey was had. The good stuff. In victory, Mr Muffin recited slide 6 over the speakerphone. Nobody gets it, the sound of bossman's laughter echoes from the corner office. OHL is surprised I still have a job, as I did all of this against her will. And here I was thinking the force was strong with that one. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Jamwara DelCalicoe Ashley Lords.Of.Midnight The Devil's Warrior Alliance 273	Posted - 2014.08.05 01:49:00 - [186] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: First ill start off by saying.. there will not be cov-ops muffins without some form of AFK muffin cloaking. I wouldn't even know how to pull that off. Perhaps leaving an empty package with empty muffin wrappers... naw. Flooding the office with the smell of muffins..but there never being any muffins... that may work... will need to work on this. Now, in a completely unrelated non-muffin topic (blasphemy), I got to prove a point to the bossman today. Every couple of weeks I'm required to present a report presentation on numbers for section 2. I hate this for 2 reasons. Reason 1 is that it is completely pointless busy work, that is a waste of my time. All of these numbers are very easily accessible through our computer system, and it will even print you out some rather nice looking graphs (hint hint..these are what i use for the presentations). The VP has access to these report at all times, he just refuses to use them. Reason2 is the main reason I hate this, the VP in charge of this doesnt even pay attention to the presentation he demands we do. He sits there..with a Bluetooth headset on, and listens to something on his smartphone. He doesn't even look at the screens..not one bit. Ive tested this theory by putting small things in the reports that would have gotten a reaction, and random graphs that mean nothing at all. At the end, he just shakes my hand, says "keep up the good work" and leaves. Wasted this time was. Ive told the bossman about this, and he has never believed me once. Today, I asked him to sit in on the presentation and watch. "don't say a work about what you see..act like its normal." is all I told him. The smile on his face told me he knew was about to happen. The presentation starts as normal. Within 45 seconds, I see the VP whip out the smartphone and go into la-la land. Slide 3 hits right on time. The title is the only thing intelligible on the screen. Its filled with random words, ASCII phalluses and wingdings. VP is unphased. I continue talking like normal. Slide 4 is a graph..clearly upside down, graphing the progress of tyrannosaurus egg breakfast in relation to money spent on Coca-Cola in the vending machine. Nothing. I say "wouldn't you agree?" to the VP after having said "I feel like chicken tonight", he looks up and says "yes yes, should be fine.". slide 6 is filled with the word "muffin". 210 times. I am now talking unintelligible. During slide 7, recited Liam Neeson's 'TAKEN' phone call, with a picture of a blue line with a heart in it. By slide 10, the bossman is in tears. He's red faced from holding in laughter. Everyone else is puzzled as all hell, half of them with the 'dafuq did I just sit through?' look. Slide 11 is the last one, simply says "don't shake my hand, I didn't wash after using the bathroom, and it was a 2 roller marathon." I bring the lights up, and the VP comes back from la-la dimension . I walk over and hold out my hand. He shakes it. People are in shock. "excellent work, keep it up." is all he says and leaves. Bossman ******* loses it. Hes rolling on the conference room table, beet red faced, tears rolling down his face laughing. People start leaving just mind blown. Not one person is willing to look me in the eye, no one shakes my hand. Good times. Good news everyone! I don't have to do useless report presentations anymore! Bossman finally sees what I'm talking about and agrees 100% about it being a waste of everyone time. We then had a discussion about what 13375P34K is. Good stuff. Coffey was had. The good stuff. In victory, Mr Muffin recited slide 6 over the speakerphone. Nobody gets it, the sound of bossman's laughter echoes from the corner office. OHL is surprised I still have a job, as I did all of this against her will. And here I was thinking the force was strong with that one. If I end up getting fired soon I'll be sure to post some things for you :D https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=331004 - thank me later
Debora Tsung The Investment Bankers Guild 1200	Posted - 2014.08.05 06:41:00 - [187] - Quote My sides hurt now, but it's a good pain. Stupidity should be a bannable offense. Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699 Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance.
Random McNally Isogen 5 67773	Posted - 2014.08.05 11:30:00 - [188] - Quote Debora Tsung wrote: My sides hurt now, but it's a good pain. Concur. They should make a reality tv show about where you work.... Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Senstara Nightwhisper Tsuifuku 199	Posted - 2014.08.05 12:14:00 - [189] - Quote I read this while on a conference call.... I laughed so hard and had to make up an excuse for what I found so funny... As I'm sure Eve-Forums would not count as a logical excuse.
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 16310	Posted - 2014.08.11 22:34:00 - [190] - Quote The Toilet Knight Rises From: *** , ** [*@******.com] Sent: Thursday, August 7, 2014 11:13 AM To: All Floor 2, All Floor 3, All Floor 4 Cc: Subject: Floor 4 Executive washroom issue Guys, This has got to stop. For over a week now I have had to hear whoever it is in the executive washroom making the Batman voice. Always from a locked stall. I don't know who it is, but this needs to stop. I know you all believe that this is funny, its not. I would like to believe that we run a mature workplace environment, but it is now obvious that there is someone who wants to be a child. So far no one has seen who this "Bathroom Batman" is. The cameras in the east hallway of Floor 4 have all been turned away from the bathroom area, so we do not have footage of who this is. The security guard posted in the hallway has not seen anyone who is unauthorized use the washroom. If you know who this person is, please let HR or myself know immediately. If you decide to turn yourself in, we may disregard the violation of moving the security cameras. Keep it up, and there will be consequences. At bare minimum people, I would like to see this behavior stopped. ** * Vice President, Marketing Now.. I don't know who this 'Caped Crusader of the Crapper" is, but he isn't the hero this company deserves, he is the hero this company needs. If you are reading this, you are my hero, and im frankly a little jealous that you did this and not me. Please, teach me your ways! If I could move like a freakin ninja through this place, the things I could get away with.. I want to be... your Robin. Without the tights, without the 'holy (something relevant to the situation), Batman!' and something muffin related. I will not have any name that ends in 'Boy' either. You know what, this needs to be a partnership, I don't feel that im sidekick material, as my talents would be wasted. Signal me, and I will meet you. Any time, any where. You can find the Muffin-signal on my desk, next to the monitor. Just shine it at the ceiling and ill see it, possibly because its the muffin signal, possibly because you would literally be standing in front of my desk when you did it. If you aren't a hero, but a villain, I have that covered too, so yeah, wither way, we got this. For proof of my villainy, please see the pages of this thread. I may have some names for evil organizations picked out, and may already have appropriate t-shirts made. Bad guys do that, I checked. Now, back to todays regularly scheduled programming, already in progress. Well, of course theyd give me damn chocolate muffins today. Knowing full well that I have Batman on the brain, they would do this. Its a trap. Im on to you.. you want me to go all batman voiced with the muffin so you all can say its me.. I see through your plans!!! Well I will not give you what you want! I will go with other Muffin personalities! Maybe ill go with Bruce Wayne muffin.. yep.. no one would suspect a thing. I didn't go with Bruce Wayne muffin. I sat there and stared at the muffin.. waiting for the muse to strike, waiting for inspiration! Show me what you are to become! And then.. Lindy ate it. You little *. Sat there with a smug look on her face while she did it too. Don't you know I will destroy you? Don't you know that I will soon know Batman? Don't you know, that I totally licked that muffin? Yep. Licked the muffin. I do that now. It keeps the Rhonda at bay. She wont eat a licked muffin.. but a Lindy will. You ate a licked muffin, and now, everyone knows it. Well.. everyone who matters knows it. So like 20 people know it. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Jonah Gravenstein Machiavellian Space Bastards 20062	Posted - 2014.08.12 00:52:00 - [191] - Quote I like OHL, she is fearless. Your Batman side kick name should include the words Muffin, and Muncher Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine and into the brain, where they ferment. They then migrate to your keyboard via your fingers. That's where shiptoasts come from. Nil mortifi sine lucre.
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 121966	Posted - 2014.08.13 00:47:00 - [192] - Quote God i missed these. Keep up the good work. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commissar "Cake" Kate
Random McNally Isogen 5 68814	Posted - 2014.08.13 11:47:00 - [193] - Quote Hmmm, I'm sensing a double standard here. While I would never discourage OHL partaking in a slow and sensual devouring of my muffin, I seem to recall a fair amount of hostility with Randy the Pornstar and muffin consumption. To thineself be true, is there something we need to know about? Why is OHL allowed to get into Mr. Muffin's wrapper with no incredulity? Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Debora Tsung The Investment Bankers Guild 1212	Posted - 2014.08.13 12:02:00 - [194] - Quote Random McNally wrote: Hmmm, I'm sensing a double standard here. While I would never discourage OHL partaking in a slow and sensual devouring of my muffin, I seem to recall a fair amount of hostility with Randy the Pornstar and muffin consumption. To thineself be true, is there something we need to know about? Why is OHL allowed to get into Mr. Muffin's wrapper with no incredulity? I believe there are certain levels of personal awesomeness involved. While Randy the Ponstar had an awesome level of roundabout 1 - which means his failures and/ or accidental successes actually raise the level of awesomeness of OHTER people - OHL might have an awesome level of at least 3 which means her successes might or might not temporarily increase her own level of awesome. In combination with certain muffins and/or batman voices this might lead to a temporary awesome micro singularity of tremendous proportions. I suggest to watch that person closely and record everything she does oon video. In High Definition. Stupidity should be a bannable offense. Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699 Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance.
Random McNally Isogen 5 68816	Posted - 2014.08.13 12:07:00 - [195] - Quote Debora Tsung wrote: Random McNally wrote: Hmmm, I'm sensing a double standard here. While I would never discourage OHL partaking in a slow and sensual devouring of my muffin, I seem to recall a fair amount of hostility with Randy the Pornstar and muffin consumption. To thineself be true, is there something we need to know about? Why is OHL allowed to get into Mr. Muffin's wrapper with no incredulity? I believe there are certain levels of personal awesomeness involved. While Randy the Ponstar had an awesome level of roundabout 1 - which means his failures and/ or accidental successes actually raise the level of awesomeness of OHTER people - OHL might have an awesome level of at least 3 which means her successes might or might not temporarily increase her own level of awesome. In combination with certain muffins and/or batman voices this might lead to a temporary awesome micro singularity of tremendous proportions. I suggest to watch that person closely and record everything she does on video. In High Definition. While I cannot argue that there may be an awesomeness level difference, it still doesn't address the double standard. Photographic evidence required. Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Debora Tsung The Investment Bankers Guild 1213	Posted - 2014.08.13 12:09:00 - [196] - Quote Random McNally wrote: Photographic evidence required. I support that, we should start a petition. Stupidity should be a bannable offense. Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699 Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance.
Random McNally Isogen 5 68816	Posted - 2014.08.13 12:11:00 - [197] - Quote Debora Tsung wrote: Random McNally wrote: Photographic evidence required. I support that, we should start a petition. Just dont let Legal know about this. I'm sure that posting photos of muffins on the interwebs would cause potential work complications. Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 16469	Posted - 2014.08.14 17:43:00 - [198] - Quote The Stanley Parable I think almost every place of employment has a worker like Stanley. His name is actually Stan, thatGÇÖs his full name. Its not short for anything. He hates being called anything else, therefore I call him Stanley, or Stanford, or some interesting mashup of Stan and other names. Im getting off track here. Anyways, I can guarantee that every place of employment has a Stanley. Stanley is what I like to call a GÇÿStir-stickGÇÖ. Why a GÇÿStir-stickGÇÖ? Because the only way to explain most office environments is to consider them governed by Fluid Dynamics. Stanford is never happy with what he has, the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. Stan Franscisco has always been like this, and im a tad used to it. Stanson has friends in other companies, and he likes to pry info about their pay and such from them, just so he can drama the office with tales of GÇÿhow bad we have itGÇÖ and GÇÿhow its never been this badGÇÖ. I know what youre thinking at this point. GÇ£UAE, you have no right to be upset about drama! You cause so much of it!GÇ¥ I good sir or madam, am an Office Villain. I do not cause drama, I create masterpieces of office wrath! Ok.. the whole GÇÿThis pie contains lardGÇÖ prank may have caused drama, but it was entertaining drama! Not this GÇÿsew hate and discontent in the office because entitlement issuesGÇÖ thing that Stanford and Sons does. Call me a hypocrite, donGÇÖt care. There is a difference, sometimes its subtle, but its there! Anyways, back to Stanson, and the laws of Office Fluid Dynamics. So, Stir-stick has got the majority of the floor up in arms. I cant walk 3 feet in any direction without hearing a conversation about GÇÿhow bad it is here because we can get paid X amount more over at [other company]GÇÖ and GÇÿover at [other company] they get [things] and we donGÇÖt! Rabble Rabble Rabble.GÇ¥(Im starting to think this is why I hate Highsec so much.. because this actually sounds a lot like.. nevermind, thatGÇÖs another thread.) Its gotten pretty bad at this point. You can literally feel the dread in this place. I know that Stanlets (French pronounciation) claims about the other company are pretty much bull**** (ive been courted by this same company several times.. and I know what they actually pay and what they actually get.). Bossman and I had a pow-wow about this this morning (made me miss damn Doughnut Thunderdome!) and weve come to the consensus that Stankly is just trying to get a promotion or a raise but making it sound like hes underpaid. (interestingly, our company pays 6% higher than the GÇÿother placeGÇÖ in a side by side comparison of similar positions). Bossman is going to squash this **** tomorrow morning. I cant wait. To be honest, im not sure how the Office Fluid Dynamics thing really came about. ItGÇÖs a term Section 2 and the Bossman have come up with over the past few years. I guess the only real definition would be that if one person is going a bad direction strong enough, then regardless of the other peoples orientation, they will eventually start going the same direction. Does that even make sense? Its really the only way I can explain it. So you can see why we would call Staniel a GÇÿStir-stickGÇÖ. I guess the difference between Stanson and me would be (wait.. did I use Stanson already.. yep. Oh well..) that I do what I do out of GÇ£content creationGÇ¥ .. and sometimes boredom, vengeance and laughs, he does this out of love for drama for the sake of drama. Plus, im content with my job, and what I have, and donGÇÖt care what shade the grass is on the other side, because I at least have grass.. and if Stanielle keeps it up, im sure he wont have any of those things for much longer. Ugh. Now that thatGÇÖs all of my chest.. Im deciding what to do with OHL. As it has been pointed out, I didnGÇÖt let Randy The Pornstar get away with eating his supervisor. This is true. Now, she has argued her case against wrath but pointing out that the muffin had not yet GÇÿbecomeGÇÖ a Mr Muffin at the time of devouring by my own admission. Yes, she used this thread against me.. dammit. I believe shes trying to skirt the unwritten Section 2 rules by using a loophole. Shes devious like that. Im very conflicted at this point. Especially because shes trying to buy her way back into my good graces with promises of her grandmotherGÇÖs World ***** famous Sweet Potato Pie. On one hand, she deserves wrath.. she knew what she did.. with that smug smile while nom nom nom on a blank muffin.. but then again.. I do love that pie.. and I do approve of bribery with pie.. so I donGÇÖt know what to do. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Jonah Gravenstein Machiavellian Space Bastards 20134	Posted - 2014.08.14 18:06:00 - [199] - Quote Pie is the answer, it is always the answer. Cake, on the other hand, is a lie; a dirty gurt one. Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine and into the brain, where they ferment. They then migrate to your keyboard via your fingers. That's where shiptoasts come from. Nil mortifi sine lucre.
Random McNally Isogen 5 69058	Posted - 2014.08.15 11:24:00 - [200] - Quote Hmmmm, pie. Pie vs. a blank slate muffin. An...UNmuffin. Pie vs. UNmuffin. OHL. You have my axe. Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Leoric Firesword Dark Fusion Industries 48	Posted - 2014.08.15 13:27:00 - [201] - Quote Pie VS. an UnMuffin? take the pie UAE, take the pie this will make OHL think she's gotten away with it, then next time SUPER WRATH!
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 16496	Posted - 2014.08.15 16:36:00 - [202] - Quote Revenge is a dish best served.. pureed and strained. Im sorry Lindy, but it had to happen. I cant let anyone get away with anything. If I gave you a pass this time, then id have to give someone a pass next time. I cant let the other inmates think im going soft. OOPEGÇÖs pleas of leniency havenGÇÖt gone unheard, but examples need to be made within the ranks. If this were a Bond movie.. you would have gotten the trap door into the pit of fire.. or at least the low-blood sugar sturgeon tank. This plan came to me on my way home last night. Sitting in traffic. The plan was run by the wife via phone, and I was informed that it was GÇ£a ****** thing to do to a girl her age.GÇ¥ This meant I was on the right track. Overkill maybe, but anything worth doing, is worth overdoing. The plan hinged on our Friday morning Teambuilding and relaxation routine. It gets done at the exact same time every Friday morning, which is great for planning. Our teambuilding goes off without a hitch. I catch Lindy in a trust fall, she catches me.. we trust each other now, which wasnGÇÖt ever really a problemGÇª. But management and reasons. As planned, afterwards Lindy goes off to the side of the room with a group of office girls to gossip and talk about girl stuff. She glances over at me.. and I must have had the most evil smile on my face.. because she shook her head with that GÇÿplease donGÇÖtGÇÖ look in her eyes. I then ran up to her and picked her up in a big bear hug. GÇ£Oh my god!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I cant believe im going to be an uncle!!!!!GÇ¥ She goes pale with shock. The group of girls around us instantly go into highschool girl highpitched glee squeal mode. GÇ£OMG!!! Youre PREGNANT?!??!?!?!?GÇ¥ they all scream damn near in unison. Anyone who works around large groups of women know that news of pregnancy is like wildfire.. and having a group of women scream that makes it spread faster. Almost all of the female employees race over to Lindy.. whos pale faced is now flushed red. Everyone is bouncing around with giddy joy and congratulating her. I back out of the group slowly. Shes trying to explain that it was a joke.. but its too late. Shes stuck there for a half hour while news has spread to 2 other floors, and her phone is blowing up with texts and people are showing up to congratulate her. I didnGÇÖt realize Lindy was so popular! After the fervor dies down slightly, we all get to work. LindyGÇÖs phone and email are still blowing up. She is stuck halfway between laughing and anger. She informs me that I am a douche.. and that was well played. Agreed Lindy..agreed. But.. im still not hearing the words that I want to hear Lindy, so the plan is still in action. After an hour, shes still shaking her head and mumbling about my douchiness (is that even a word?!?! Spellcheck says NO) and how she cant believe that I did that. Right on cue, the elevator door opens.. and a flower delivery person shows up with a baby bouquet and balloons and asks for Lindy. People are ooohing and ahhhhing. Lindy goes flush again. The baby fever strikes for the second time, and Lindy is once again surrounded. Not one person believes her that this is a joke now. If Lindy had lazer vision.. or the force.. id be dead at this moment. It took Lindy an hour to finally read the card.. which by the way.. made the flower lady laugh (because of its WTF?!?! nature) over the phone last night when she had to write it. GÇ£They donGÇÖt make a card that says GÇ£Next time donGÇÖt eat your supervisor before he has evolvedGÇ¥ so I figured a GÇÿCongratulations on the babyGÇ¥ card was the next best thing.GÇ¥ And at the bottom: GÇ£You only roast the ones you love. Now get back to work.GÇ¥ She teared up a little when she read it out loud. Those were the words I wanted to hear. Now concludeth the wrath. Its been a while since all of this went down now. Lindy is laughing about the whole thing at this point. GÇ£I wont touch your damn muffin ever again.GÇ¥ She says. She needed to send out a company wide email to get people to stop texting and emailing her about it. From: *** , *** [*@******.com] Sent: Friday, August 15, 2014 10:05 AM To: All Cc: Subject: Please stop, it was a joke. Plz people I appreciate it but this was all a joke by because I ate his precious muffin. I am not nor in the near future planning to become pregnant. Plz stop txting me and emailing me about it. Thx. *** * Section 2 Well, im satisfied. Noting like some good wrath to put me in a good mood. Eventhough she wont admit it now, Lindy liked the attention.. and the flowers. Flowers , balloons and card: 78.99 Delivery: 10.00 Knowing future muffins are safe from your second in command: Priceless. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Nose' Feliciano 278	Posted - 2014.08.15 16:51:00 - [203] - Quote Dude, if only the world had more psychos like you...it would be a better place. Remodeled Crane Concept
Random McNally Isogen 5 69204	Posted - 2014.08.15 17:32:00 - [204] - Quote golfclap Well done sir. Even the Russian judges give a 8.5 out of 10. Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Ralph King-Griffin Lords.Of.Midnight The Devil's Warrior Alliance 3905	Posted - 2014.08.15 18:17:00 - [205] - Quote I'm glad you didn't listen to the solvent abusers here and go easy on her, bravo you magnificent bastard. =][=
Iain Cariaba 243	Posted - 2014.08.15 18:20:00 - [206] - Quote People at work call me an *******. Well, I am, but you sir, take the muffin. Disclaimer: My opinion does not necessarily reflect that of my corp or alliance. My opinion is my own, and if you don't like, that is your problem.
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 123293	Posted - 2014.08.21 06:30:00 - [207] - Quote You sir are a god of trolling. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commissar "Cake" Kate
Jonah Gravenstein Machiavellian Space Bastards 20274	Posted - 2014.08.21 07:43:00 - [208] - Quote UAE for CSM "It's easy to speak for the silent majority. They rarely object to what you put into their mouths."-á - Abrazzar Nil mortifi sine lucre.
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 123372	Posted - 2014.08.21 08:17:00 - [209] - Quote He'd get my vote. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commissar "Cake" Kate
Ralph King-Griffin Lords.Of.Midnight The Devil's Warrior Alliance 4091	Posted - 2014.08.21 09:11:00 - [210] - Quote and my....muffin =][=
Jonah Gravenstein Machiavellian Space Bastards 20280	Posted - 2014.08.21 09:29:00 - [211] - Quote Ralph King-Griffin wrote: and my....muffin Muffin making is Scarlett Johansson's superpower. I am dissapoint, but only slightly. I thought her arse was her primary superpower. On that note I have freshly made custard duffnuts, they're still warm too. Nomnomnom Nil mortifi sine lucre.
Leoric Firesword Dark Fusion Industries 54	Posted - 2014.08.21 13:16:00 - [212] - Quote well played sir, well played
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 16584	Posted - 2014.08.22 03:54:00 - [213] - Quote Showdown and the BOC Corral. Im going to apologize ahead of time. This has been a few days in the works.. and the email I sent home to post online got ate by outlook.. so some of it had to be recreated. Steve (Alpha Douche) has decided to play psychological warfare games. I don't know if that is really his goal.. but that's what he is doing. Steve got himself a new CD player for his desk.. and hes very proud of it. Why anyone would be proud of a cd player in this day in age is beyond me. He could simply use his computer.. but hey. Well Steve decided that he was going to use his new treasure to listen to his favorite band.. Blue Oyster Cult. All week long.. all day.. Steve is happy, hes over there singing along, rocking out, the usual Steve stuff. This started Monday morning.. At first it was cool. I enjoy a few Blue Oyster Cult songs, so I was jamming along, getting stuff done. But it didn't stop. That thing must have like.. 8 CDs in it or something.. but im noticing that all of Steves Cds have some of the same songs.. so ive heard many of them over and over again. People are starting to grumble around end of day... Tuesday morning... its starts off quiet. Good sign. Oh nope.. Theres Steve.. ten seconds later.. Yay.. more Blue Oyster Cult. I can deal. Rhonda the Hutt is getting angry... her ex husband must have liked BOC. She getting mouthy.. This wont bode well for Steve. Once again.. a full day of this. Steve.. this better not happen tomorrow.. Wednesday.. Ok.. im getting fed up. I cant take "Don't Fear the Reaper" or "Godzilla" one more time. Those 2 songs are literally on every CD.. Finally, I break. "Dammit Steve.. if you do this tomorrow.. I swear to god.. " He smiles.. I smile.. Down the gauntlet has been thrown. I immeadiately know what im going to do tomorrow if he does this again. To the store! Weapons must be procured! This morning I stroll in.. my weapon of choice hidden in an insulated lunch sack. Go ahead Steve.. do it. He doesn't. Im shocked. Everyone is enjoying some peace and quiet. Work is getting done. Good. its been a busy week.. so much stuff to get done! 11:55am.. five minutes to noon.. almost lunch time. I look over in Steve's direction. He staring at me.. huge devious smile on his face.. He doing the finger pyramid of evil contemplation.. I see him reach towards his CD player.. I stand straight up and shove my chair aside.. making the loudest wheeled chair skidding noise ever. Pointing at Steve I yell "Don't you dare...". Steve stands up. Were facing each other now.. 30 feet between us. Everyone has gotten silent. The showdown has begun. Steve is poised to reach for something.. I cant see what it is. I respond my opening my desk drawer with my foot, putting my hidden weapon within reach... I see Steve go for it! He reaches down and turns the player on.. then reaches to the side for something else. The opening riff for "Don't Fear the Reaper" plays.. loudly... Fantastic! This is what I wanted! I reach down and pick up... A COWBELL!!!! Oh hells yeah.. im gonna... Wait...... What does Steve ha... NO.... Steve holds above his head... A COWBELL!!!! Mother of god... we had the same idea... Steve is shocked. Im shocked. Neither of us expected the other to do this... People are.. confused. We stand there.. for a few seconds. Neither of us know what to do at this point. I look at Steve.. and I think we had one of those telepathic bro conversations. At the same time.. we both grinned.. A second later.. and in perfect time to the song.. we both play the hell out of our cowbells. Together.. we explore the space. This office had a fever.. and its only cure.. was MORE COWBELL. Steve.. you magnificent douche.. we think too much alike.. and together.. we got Cowbells banned from the office. Is this why we cant have nice things? Probably. But for 5 minutes.. we rocked the place. It was worth it. Side Note: Blue Oyster Cult is banned from the office as well. Note to self: Must eliminate Steve.. he poses a threat if his mind went to the same SNL sketch as mine.. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 123676	Posted - 2014.08.22 05:06:00 - [214] - Quote Sounds like someone has competition. You cannot allow this to continue. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commissar "Cake" Kate
Random McNally Isogen 5 69995	Posted - 2014.08.22 12:02:00 - [215] - Quote We can see that crystalline moment... Daycares pulling children into the house. The 'tock tock' of the second hand as the clock approaches high noon. The drone of BOC like locusts in the dust. Movement! The shots of cowbells ringing as the gunslingers aim but are deft enough; or perhaps savvy enough to anticipate each others movements. You have not found your Sherlock Holmes, professor. But, this challenge cannot be allowed to continue. It is time to bring in the big muffins. (sorry about the mixed metaphors) Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Jonah Gravenstein Machiavellian Space Bastards 20313	Posted - 2014.08.22 12:21:00 - [216] - Quote This is how I imagine the dueling cowbells incident, complete with soundtrack. Nil mortifi sine lucre.
Glathull Blue Republic RvB - BLUE Republic 637	Posted - 2014.08.25 04:12:00 - [217] - Quote A couple of jobs ago, I was working at a pretty small startup. The main office was in Chicago, but there was a small team in Minneapolis, which is where I worked. By a small team I mean there was the Chief Research Officer, a Research Manager, 4 Research Drones, and me--the developer assigned to write software for them. I got away with all kinds of things because my boss was the Chief Technology Officer, and he was in Chicago. For example, everyone absolutely hated Research Manager. She was a dumb **** on wheels, and I mean everyone hated her. People hated her so much that I successfully nicknamed her 'Fat Cow.' But that's for another story, another time In our company there was exactly one black person, and he was one of the research drones in my office. So around January, he starts grumbling about us not getting MLK day off. There was no one to grumble to in particular because our company had no HR person--at the time. Also, keep in mind that this was the whitest, frat daddy douchebag, popped polo collar wearing Abercrombie and Btch black man I've ever met. He was whiter than you would imagine a guy named Huntington Stape Reginald Gather, IV would be if he was a real white person and introduced himself to everyone as, "Hunter, Hunter Gather." Yeah, this black guy was whiter than that. Anyway, "Winston" was grumbling about not getting MLK day off, sort of as a joke at first, but then a little bit more seriously, and then kind of full blown race-card. It was irritating. Management didn't give a flying rat's ass fck about it, and there was no way he was going to win this without an HR troll to scare people with lawsuits and stuff. So I piped up one day and I said, "Hey guys. Why don't we have a little office celebration thing. We can have lunch brought in, and do something fun together as a team, maybe knock off a little early and hit the office bar or something. It won't be a full-blown day off, but maybe a little bit of a lighter day." This was agreed upon. Cow started nosing in on things and tried to help plan, but I was all, "Nonononono. Don't worry your pretty head about a thing. I'll take care of everything." MLK day fell on a Monday that year, which was perfect because I was able to get everything set up over the weekend. So MLK day rolls around, and people get into the office and see a life-size cardboard cutout of MLK in the middle of the room. And a table full of packages wrapped up like it's Christmas. And a giant box that looks like a fancy cake. I start handing out presents, and I'm wishing everyone a happy MLK day, and people open up the boxes, and it's . . . nerf guns for everyone!!! One of the smarter drones is starting to get suspicious about where this is going and giving me these looks like, "Oh God. No. Please don't let this be happening." So it's time for a history lesson about the MLK assassination. Did you know for example, that the bullet that killed him entered through his right cheek (Drawing a big circle around that area on the cutout in red marker), traveled downward through his spinal cord, fracturing several vertebra and eventually severed his jugular vein before lodging in his scapula? (Circling each of these areas inside the large circle. Now starting to look like a target with a bullseye.) Now it's time for cake. Cow goes to the cake box and opens it up and it says, "Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Assassination Re-enactment Day!!!" And I explain that now it's time for everyone to eat some cake and take shots at the cutout from across the room to see who can come the closest to hitting the actual spot where he was shot. People inside the target area get to keep their nerf guns. The Chief Research Office has joined the smart drone in thinking this has turned into a very bad idea. "Winston" is WTF-ing really hard right now. I explain, "You know, a lot of people take a day like this as a vacation day--an excuse to party. I'm trying to get people more involved with what happened. To connect with history in a meaningful way. This is seriously important." So people actually start taking shots at the cutout. "Winston" is all "Hell no. I'm not shooting at MLK." I reply, "Welp, I'll have to take your nerf gun then. You want to keep it, you have to shoot the target." So he unloads this giant assault rifle of a nerf gun on MLK, which is making it EXTREMELY difficult for me to keep a straight face. I ask the smart drone to get a picture of this for the company photo album. She declines. But! But! But! Cow jumps in with her phone and captures the moment for me! I hate her slightly less. You can imagine how the rest of the day went from there. I went out to pick up lunch for everyone. Fried chicken for everyone! And what's this? A watermelon! Yay! And for drinks with lunch, Courvoisier and coke. Isn't black culture delicious?! "Winston" was actually a little upset about the whole thing, but it didn't really matter because we all got pretty hammered around lunch time and didn't do much for the rest of the day. I had a bunch of velcro tipped nerf darts and I just kept shooting Cow in the **, over and over. "Hey Cow. I shot you in the . Sorry about that. It was an accident." "Oops. I did it again, Cow." "Hey cow, there's a nerf * stuck to your crotchal region. Sorry about that." "Oh, wow, I just shot you in the ** again." Honestly that went on for a couple of weeks. Anyway, "Winston" comes into work the next day and he says, "Hey man, I told some of my friends about how you put together that whole MLK day event." I said, "Oh really? What did they think." "Don't ever do me any favors again. Never." I filled out the proper forms and sent the expense report to my boss in Chicago: $650 for a "Team-building Event." He approved it without asking a single question. I honestly feel like I just read fifty shades of dumb. --CCP Falcon
Debora Tsung The Investment Bankers Guild 1284	Posted - 2014.08.25 06:32:00 - [218] - Quote For some reason the only thing that is funny about that story is that the company paid those 650$... Stupidity should be a bannable offense. Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699 Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance.
Sibyyl Gallente Federation 8410	Posted - 2014.08.27 03:39:00 - [219] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Oh, Chair Thief Kevin had turned in a HR complaint yesterday. Apparently someone superglued his period key down so that e.....v......e...r.y....t..h...I...n...g.... ..h..e.. ..t....y..p...e..s.. ....l....o.....o...k...s... .l..i...k....e. ....t..h.....I...s. This reminds me of a keyboard incident involving my boss which nearly ended up as an HR complaint. When this happened, my boss had been office-politics wrestling with this attorney and her team who were temporarily contracted to our office to help us handle some excess work. This attorney woman happened to be black. So one day she sends out this email talking about schedule of a bunch of projects and my boss is livid because of the arrogant tone of the email and how a lot of assumptions of agreement are made, etc. etc. My boss is totally livid by the time he starts hammering out a reply. Now my boss uses a Mac, and Macs have this wonderful feature called autocorrect which we so love on our phones. So he's typing and typing a big ass email and then he hits send. For some reason, he decides to re-read the email. At one point in the email he used the word 'laggers'. Well, the autocorrect didn't know 'laggers' so it changed it to 'naggers'. My boss shows me this email. If the autocorrect had changed one more letter, he would have been fired on the spot. ~ Please support a yellow jumpsuit for me (and everyone else). Thank you! ~
Debora Tsung The Investment Bankers Guild 1285	Posted - 2014.08.27 06:26:00 - [220] - Quote Sibyyl wrote: At one point in the email he used the word 'laggers'. Well, the autocorrect didn't know 'laggers' so it changed it to 'naggers'. My boss shows me this email. If the autocorrect had changed one more letter, he would have been fired on the spot. o_O Autocorrect on a workstation... That's the reason why bosses need real secretaries and not Mac's. Stupidity should be a bannable offense. Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699 Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance.
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 8191	Posted - 2014.09.08 18:26:04 - [221] - Quote I like The Office Diaries. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 17373	Posted - 2014.09.09 02:20:34 - [222] - Quote Well, Scotty (Long term Section 2 minion, engineer of the Sarcastiship Effortprise) has gone and committed a crime. The crime of Muffin Desecration. As punishment, I will now regale the interwebs with the story that Scotty doesnGÇÖt like to hear.. mostly because its true.. partly because of the way I tell it. I present to the interwebs the tale of: How UaE saved ScottyGÇÖs marriage by porking his wife. Its exactly how it sounds. Our tale begins a long time ago.. at least 5 or 6 years.. in a far away land called Houston. In this magical kingdom, there was a large hotel where our all-powerful and all-knowing executives gathered men and women from across the states to come together to basically attempt to bore us to death, feed us sub par buffet food, and get us liquored out of minds on the companies account so that they may write off the expenses for taxes. Scotty and I went to this magical gathering, and brought our spouses along. But you probably guessed that from the title of the story anyways. During the evening of day 1, Scotty decides to partake of generous amounts of free alcohol, and becomes inebriated. That night upon his return to his bedchamber, him and the misses get into an argument. The argument slowly degrades until Scotty decides , stupidly, to drop the bomb of how he slept with his highschool girlfriend during the class reunion 1 month before they got married. BOOM. Not surprisingly, ScottyGÇÖs wife doesnGÇÖt take that well. I donGÇÖt see why. Anyways, She leaves Scotty in a drunken rambling state and comes to stay in our room. Dear Penthouse ForumGÇª (I havenGÇÖt trolled there..yet..) Over the next few days, their relationship and marriage slowly crumble. The wife is stuck in the room consoling Carla (ScottyGÇÖs wife.. pretty sure I mentioned thatGÇª nope I didnGÇÖt.) While Scotty and I attend the festivities. Scotty is a wreck by day 3, Im a wreck because Ive got the sobbing sisters in my room. At this pont, I could go stay in ScottyGÇÖs room and get some sleep.. and possibly some quality spooning.. or I can do my nice guy thing.. and totally take his wife out and show her a good time to get her mind off stuff. Scotty went unspooned that evening. I made Carla get all dressed up, and I got all well.. dressed. My wife went to bed. She knew what was going to happen. She was ok with it. (were open like that) I asked around and found the perfect place to take Carla.. a nice barbeque joint. When we got there, I treated her like a lady.. took her coat, pulled out her chair.. oh yeah.. UaE was going to get some tonight. I ordered up some wine (ok.. it was beer.. but for the sake of the story.. it was wine.. romantic wine) and we sat and talked. The waiter came over and took our order (ok.. we ordered at a window..) During our wait I gazed into CarlaGÇÖs eyes.. and called Scotty a douche. I regaled her with tales of Scotty until .. I porked her. Yep. ALL YOU CAN EAT PORK BARBEQUE BABY!!!!!!! I stuffed Carla good that night.. all night long (not really all night.. the place closed at like 10 or something). Good thing there were wet-naps available.. because her face got messy, all that sauce dripping off her chin..a little dribble down her blouse.. it was some hard work satisfying that woman! I wasnGÇÖt just her face I messed up wither.. she got quite a bit in her lap too. I porked her so long and good that she had a hard time walking.. back to the car (because she was full.. wink wink). During the car ride back to the hotel, we talked some more, and we both decided that Scotty was a loveable douche, and that yeah he screwed up, but he was sorry and felt really bad for years about it and that he loved her. When we got back, she took her stuff from our room and went back and talked with Scotty.. and to this day they are still together. Reading this back.. it really doenst sound that dirty when you read it. I guess you need to be in person.. because you really need the voice inflection and winking to work itGÇª plus it almost makes me sound like a decent human being.. which would just be awful. Long story short, I porked ScottyGÇÖs wife and saved his marriage. You know.. this doesnGÇÖt seem like much of a punishment. .. the wrath planning machine must work overtime to come up with a plan to get Scotty back.. something to do with his wife isnGÇÖt out of the questionGÇªwink wink. Sidenote: Yay! Tollen is back! \o/ *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Random McNally Isogen 5 80546	Posted - 2014.09.09 14:34:55 - [223] - Quote Came expecting sexual escapades and left hungry. Curse you, UaE. Where the hell is there a BBQ place open at 9:30 am??? Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Graygor 1kB Realty 1kB Galactic 131279	Posted - 2014.09.09 16:18:07 - [224] - Quote Random McNally wrote: Came expecting sexual escapades and left hungry. Curse you, UaE. Where the hell is there a BBQ place open at 9:30 am??? In Houston. Duh. And great story UAE. The story, the twist, the sauce... oh the sauce. 9 and a half thumbs up. It would be ten but alas there was an incident with a chef knife and a reenactment of the knife hand scene from Aliens. "I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." --áKenneth O'Hara "I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commissar "Cake" Kate
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 17373	Posted - 2014.10.09 22:13:38 - [225] - Quote Ugh. We had a company-wide shake up a bit ago. So where to begin.. Apparently we had an 'efficiency expert' come in as a consultant a while ago. We all know how I feel about consultants.. anyways, it came down from the powers that be that there were 'redundancies' in the staff of all the offices. What did this mean to us? We lost a full 15% of our workforce. The office lost some people, a lot of people. The stress of letting so many people go gave bossman a mental breakdown. So many people he had known for a long time. He ended up taking almost a month off work. Poor guy. Being the most senior section supervisor, I was selected to take over in his absence as interim floor manager. The power.. the delicious delicious powerrrrrrr... ... but the downside was the fact that I now had twice as much of my own work to do (thanks in part to the decimation of Section 4, and the loss of Steve's minion, and shifting of workload from another floor partially to ours) which needed to be delegated to the rest of Section 2, while I now needed to take on the bossman's responsibilities. So many many long nights trying to catch up.. I found myself mentally worn out beyond words. I have a new respect for Bossman's role here, although I will admit that his job was much easier before the purge.. so.. yeah. Anyways, Hes back. Finally. I can now go back to my own job. Although I did spend the whole morning showing him some of the new processes that had been implemented in his absence. Its like a vacation now! Having to restrain my inner troll for such a long period was beginning to degrade my soul. But I handled it well.. like a boss you might say.. pun intended of course. I think Ive gained a little respect in the company now, especially on this floor. People no longer look upon me in fear, and the tone of voice the management uses with me is much nicer. Im not sure if that's a good thing. There needs to be a little fear.. and loathing by the management. At this point, I don't know what to do now. I got used to the increased workload, now what ive got doesn't seem like so much anymore. Tommorow is Pie-day. Hopefully its something tasty.. although it is Becky Resident Militant Vegan ***'s turn in the pie rotation.. so.. not sure if what to expect.. must.. try.. to keep.. expectations low... Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 8191	Posted - 2014.10.10 17:36:08 - [226] - Quote I like Lego. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Random McNally Isogen 5 80546	Posted - 2014.10.10 17:40:37 - [227] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Ugh. We had a company-wide shake up a bit ago. So where to begin.. Apparently we had an 'efficiency expert' come in as a consultant a while ago. We all know how I feel about consultants.. anyways, it came down from the powers that be that there were 'redundancies' in the staff of all the offices. What did this mean to us? We lost a full 15% of our workforce. The office lost some people, a lot of people. The stress of letting so many people go gave bossman a mental breakdown. So many people he had known for a long time. He ended up taking almost a month off work. Poor guy. Being the most senior section supervisor, I was selected to take over in his absence as interim floor manager. The power.. the delicious delicious powerrrrrrr... ... but the downside was the fact that I now had twice as much of my own work to do (thanks in part to the decimation of Section 4, and the loss of Steve's minion, and shifting of workload from another floor partially to ours) which needed to be delegated to the rest of Section 2, while I now needed to take on the bossman's responsibilities. So many many long nights trying to catch up.. I found myself mentally worn out beyond words. I have a new respect for Bossman's role here, although I will admit that his job was much easier before the purge.. so.. yeah. Anyways, Hes back. Finally. I can now go back to my own job. Although I did spend the whole morning showing him some of the new processes that had been implemented in his absence. Its like a vacation now! Having to restrain my inner troll for such a long period was beginning to degrade my soul. But I handled it well.. like a boss you might say.. pun intended of course. I think Ive gained a little respect in the company now, especially on this floor. People no longer look upon me in fear, and the tone of voice the management uses with me is much nicer. Im not sure if that's a good thing. There needs to be a little fear.. and loathing by the management. At this point, I don't know what to do now. I got used to the increased workload, now what ive got doesn't seem like so much anymore. Tommorow is Pie-day. Hopefully its something tasty.. although it is Becky Resident Militant Vegan *****'s turn in the pie rotation.. so.. not sure if what to expect.. must.. try.. to keep.. expectations low... Uh oh. I can see future UaE posts going something like... Nice day at work today. Rhonda the Hutt was pleasant and I brought in a flower to show how much I appreciated her contributions to the success of my day. New found appreciation for Becky's Vegan treats. Otherwise, a quiet and uncomplicated day. (shudder) Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 17373	Posted - 2014.10.10 19:22:57 - [228] - Quote Random McNally wrote: Rhonda the Hutt was pleasant and I brought in a flower to show how much I appreciated her contributions to the success of my day. I can guarantee with 100% certainty that this will never happen. Unless it was a gag flower that shot lemon juice.. or the liquid from a skunk's musk gland.. ok.. I can say with 90% certainty that this will never happen.. Quote: New found appreciation for Becky's Vegan treats. Her palette is quite.. bland. Shes not one of those gourmet Vegans that you see on TV who can make a black bean patty taste like the best burger you've ever had. No. The pie was awful. It was like eating mung bean custard in a cardboard crust... but without the custard.. it was certainly mung though.. Quote: Otherwise, a quiet and uncomplicated day. (shudder) Yeah. pretty much ::shudder:: A boring office like you see on the TV is what I can only imagine my personal hell would be. Well, I violated our office policy on personal phone calls this morning. It wasn't really a personal call. It was a census taker.. or survey person. I normally don't answer them, buuuut I was slightly bored and burping up sawdust pudding and figured I could humor the poor sap on the other end. It all went well until they asked how many children I had. Of course I answered 2.5. 2.5 is still the average right? So then that question slowly digressed into an exploration on how we only had half a child. You see, when we were picking out our child from the catalogue, we forgot to uncheck the "remove all earthworm DNA" box. I mean, it seemed like such a silly thing at the time. Until the fateful day where the kids were all playing on the combine. (for this, pretend we lived on a farm.. with a cornfield.. which required a combine..) and our youngest decided to show off her elite harvesting skills by starting up the combine while Jerry (fictional future half child) was playing atop the blade assembly. One thing led to another and Jerry was chopped in half. Thankfully that earthworm DNA thing didn't happen afterall.. or else we would have ended up with 4 kids. Now Jerry is our half child. Come to think of it.. maybe the earthworm thing DID happen because he does have 2 little tiny leg stalks starting to grow. The convo got really strange when I came to the realization that the lower half of Jerry may be regenerating somewhere. I asked the poor guy if he had heard any reports of a pair of legs with a tiny little torso out and about, to which he finally hung up on me. How rude. What if Jerry had been real? Couldn't that guy show him at least a little respect by hearing his father out about his life story? The nerve of some people. I would have totally listened to a census taker's story about his earthworm hybrid child who got chopped by a combine. Anyways, the bossman stood behind me and listened apparently... aaaaand yeah. He laughed, pointed out the "no personal phone calls" policy, and went back in his office. Im glad I could make him laugh. Well, its almost time for me to go and catch an earful from the VP upstairs. I apparently did something wrong.. cant imagine what.. and he needs to 'speak' with me. Im sure this will end well. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Iain Cariaba 577	Posted - 2014.10.10 19:34:46 - [229] - Quote I'd missed this thread while you were temporarily upper management. Welcome back. EvE is hard. It's harder if you're stupid.
Random McNally Isogen 5 80546	Posted - 2014.10.16 16:14:58 - [230] - Quote So..... details on the arse chewing? Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 17373	Posted - 2014.10.17 19:05:16 - [231] - Quote Random McNally wrote: So.....details on the arse chewing? Do one thing wrong, that in reality not one person explained how to do right, while doing a job that youre not used to, while filling in for someone, and it didn't really effect ANYTHING.. and apparently VPs lose their freaking minds. It was literally nothing. After a lively discussion (read as 'performance critique' aka 'what you did wrong because I said so'), I pointed out that the error doesn't effect anything important (or unimportant.. or anything at all really..) and could have been easily corrected. It was an honest mistake in an otherwise flawless execution of a company role. The good (?) news is that I am not the official backup for Bossman, and im on the list for a management position when one opens up. Seeing of course that part of our workforce was recently labeled as redundant and was let go, I doubt we will have any openings soon. I have mixed feelings on the subject. Pay increase = good, Asshattery decrease = bad. Sigh. Anyways, back to our irregularly scheduled program. Mr Muffin got into the holiday spirit this week. Pumpkin Streusel, while delicious and festive, also tends NOT to hold up to the rigors of muffin characterization. After only 10 minutes of really just god awful online holloween and thanksgiving jokes in a german accent (or some weird amalgamation of German and Dutch..it was really hard to tell at times), Mr Muffin's head crumbled in mid sentence and my desk was ruined by streusel. As an appropriate funeral for our short lived comrade, we feasted upon his corpse in an effort to gain his power. I decided that this doesn't violate the rules because he was already dead, therefore all of section 2 got a piece, and I think we are all slightly better people because of it. Albert was almost deemed our first true casualty of Doughnut Thunderdome this week, as while during the battle, he thought he was having a heart attack. It turned out to be nothing. Gas or something. I don't know. Dammit Jim, Im an asshat, not a doctor! anyways, Albert is fine. I really kinda wish that I could have said someone died during Doughnut Thunderdome though.. that would have sounded badass, and highlighted how violent it can really be in there. Today OHL provided the pie, and it is AWESOME! mostly because I got a WHOLE sweet potato pie ALL TO MYSELF. Im eating this whole thing today.. I don't care what people think. Its happening. Orgasmic moaning noises shall be made, pie shall be savered, and the world shall make slightly more sense. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 17373	Posted - 2014.10.27 19:37:10 - [232] - Quote Do you know who I am? Do you understand the hell that I can bring down on you? I eat people like you for breakfast. Look at you.. weak.. trembling.. in awe of my power. I will crush you.. destroy you.. I will utterly pulverize you, mix you with brown sugar and a dash of cinnimon and some butter and sprinkle you atop my brethren. There is no where you can hide.. no where that my influence cannot reach you. I am the all seeing pastry of your nightmares. I will haunt your dreams.. torture your waking thoughts.. ravage your memories. I am the muffin.. Mr. Muffin. Kelly the new transfer from the Portland office stood shocked. She had no clue how to react to such a powerful presence. She had mistakenly made a snide remark to a greeting by her new overlord before turning around. Now.. she had come under the full attention of the one person in this place she must never cross... A hush fell over the nearby sections. There was no way that this poor newcomer could have known the seriousness of her transgression... now.. people listened as Mr. Muffin laid down the rules that she will now live by. Slowly.. and quietly.. punctuated with dramatic pauses.. with a slight hint of Willam Defoe. The consequences for not following the rules was wrath.. he would leave the specifics up to her imagination.. and perhaps the tales spun from past victims. How could this muffin be so cruel, yet the person holding him be so nice? Is this the carrot and the stick? The good cop bad cop? IS THIS MAN INSANE??!?!! It must be all of the above. Why would any company put someone like this in charge? Did I make the right choice in transferring here? These were the questions burning behind her eyes. Questions that I would leave up to her to answer. The man and his muffin returned to their fortress. Upon resuming their respective thrones.. began to chuckle.. louder.. and louder.. until they both were laughing the evil laughs of office villainy.. Visibly left in a daze.. Kelly sat silently.. staring at her computer screen. The overlords henchman, or rather second-in-command, went to her side. Quietly they discussed among themselves the unwritten rules of the territory, above all else never to eat or attempt to eat of the muffin.. Welcome to hell, Kelly... or as we all call it... another day at the office. *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?*
Debora Tsung The Investment Bankers Guild 1317	Posted - 2014.10.29 07:21:45 - [233] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Welcome to hell, Kelly... or as we all call it... another day at the office. Hell hath no fury like that of a chewed on sentient muffin. (n+¦n+¦n+¦) Stupidity should be a bannable offense. Also This --> https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=216699 Please stop making "afk cloak" threads, thanks in advance.
Random McNally Isogen 5 80784	Posted - 2014.10.29 11:13:50 - [234] - Quote In the Halloween season, I think Mr. Muffin should dress up in a cape. Either a vampire cape, or a victorian half cape. Mr. Muffin will gain evil cred by dressing in a cape. Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Tollen Gallen Glory of Reprisal Enterprise 8193	Posted - 2014.10.29 18:18:45 - [235] - Quote Random McNally wrote: In the Halloween season, I think Mr. Muffin should dress up in a cape. Either a vampire cape, or a victorian half cape. Mr. Muffin will gain evil cred by dressing in a cape. Evil Dr jeckle Muffin! I like Beef. Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Random McNally Isogen 5 81295	Posted - 2014.10.31 12:12:48 - [236] - Quote Tollen Gallen wrote: Random McNally wrote: In the Halloween season, I think Mr. Muffin should dress up in a cape. Either a vampire cape, or a victorian half cape. Mr. Muffin will gain evil cred by dressing in a cape. Evil Dr jeckle Muffin! I like Beef. Exactly. I like Tollen Gallen. Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Indahmawar Fazmarai 3166	Posted - 2014.10.31 14:52:12 - [237] - Quote Debora Tsung wrote: Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Welcome to hell, Kelly... or as we all call it... another day at the office. Hell hath no fury like that of a chewed on sentient muffin. (n+¦n+¦n+¦) Muffin is not amused. The Greater Fool Bar is now open for business, 24/7. Come and have drinks and fun somewhere between RL and New Eden! Ingame chat channel: The Greater Fool Bar
Random McNally The Vendunari End of Life 90481	Posted - 2014.12.23 12:23:08 - [238] - Quote Necro'ing an incredible thread to have our forum supervillian repost again!! C'mon man, it's the holidays and you got nuthin'?? Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 18828	Posted - 2014.12.23 19:33:58 - [239] - Quote Ok Ok Ok.. so many mails on this! Now a Random fueled thread revival! TOD Holiday update!! It was cozy where I was. Nice and warm. Everything I wanted was right there. It was like being in the womb again. But then.. it happened. I saw a light at the end of the tunnel... or the hallway on the next floor up... and I was dragged, kicking and screaming (literally) into it. Soon I was slapped with reality and welcomed to the new world. Forcibly promoted. Under protest! (not kidding, there is actually a line in my file, not that im admitting to sneaking into HR to hand write such a thing...) I was sat down in front of the VP. Not really a uncommon occurrence, never a pleasant one.. always with that damn overuse of cologne though.. ugh. So much.. his whole office just REEKS of it. Its Armani something something dark side something. Beats me. I don't use cologne. Anyways, he gave me a choice.. Minneapolis or Portland. Whhhyyyyy... I refused. Im not moving. I like my throne right where it is thank you very much. "This is happening, come to peace with it." Stunned silence. How could I be speechless at a time like this? After some negotiating, we compromised. I get a whole floor of my own right here. One floor down from where I was. 2 days later, Scotty was given the reigns of Section 2, and I was moved into my new office overlooking new territory full of new faces (at least new to me..) with a new sign on the door.. with my name and the dreaded title of FLOOR MANAGER upon it. Some tales of my exploits had reached my new serfs, but alas, it was gong to be a steep learning curve.. for both of us. HR saw my transfer papers come in and prematurely celebrated.. but I got to go in and dash their dreams when I pointed out the small line where it showed the move was one floor down.. NOT SEVERAL STATES AWAY. Oh the looks on their little faces were priceless. You are stuck with me HR lady.. I will be the ever-present thorn in your side. That was over a month ago. Has it really been that long since I wrote one of these?!??!! Jebus. No wonder I kept getting poked over this! Fast forward to this weekend. The company Christmas Party. No. No shirtless tie bandana Chris Farley Chippendales table dancing for me this year. Scotty and I did get hilariously.. plastered.. and partook of the Karaoke. Never before has such a tonedeaf version of Ebony and Ivory been done. It then digressed into office chair jousting using pieced together lances from wrapping paper tubes. All of this.. in front of my new underlings who stared in disbelief and horror. Scotty won Office Chair Jousting because I fell off the horse due to a bad push/spin by the wife and Lindy. I needed 2 people because I wanted my horse to be speed tanked. I had the speed.. and was definitely tanked.. but failed to compensate for the office constantly turning left for some reason. Probably had nothing to do with the booze and all to do with why Lindy was on the ground red faced and laughing. My back still hurts from the spectacular cartwheel I did when I dismounted the horse gracefully as a gymnast. So as I walk in the building on Monday, exBossman is standing there just shaking his head and doing the whole nosebridge pinch thing. Ah memories. As I stroll onto my floor, people are just looking at me with those disapproving looks that people can get at times like the ones that happen when your boss loses a medieval office sport of his own creation to a measly Section scrub. Im pretty sure that was it. Anyways, I rallied the troops for our year end dash, and we all got down to it. They still respect me.. mostly. I respect me. The new year will bring changes to this floor. Muffin Mondays will be implemented, as well as Pieday. Ive been told I cant raid upstairs anymore, but so far that hasn't stopped me from acquiring a confectionary sidekick, although he has had to tone it down because reasons. WHY ARE YOU FORCING A GROWN MAN TO GROW UP? Damn you executives for ruining my life! Ill make you rue the day you promoted me! Rue it! Ruuuuuuuuuueeeeeee! *Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?* Vote Sabriz Adoudel for CSM 10!
Iain Cariaba 813	Posted - 2014.12.23 19:43:20 - [240] - Quote Look at it this way, UAE. The increase in pay due to the promotion will provide increased funding for future shenanigans, if such shenanigans require funding. EvE is hard. It's harder if you're stupid.
Ralph King-Griffin Lords.Of.Midnight The Devil's Warrior Alliance 8771	Posted - 2014.12.23 21:05:49 - [241] - Quote Unsuccessful At Everything wrote: Scotty and I did get hilariously.. plastered.. and partook of the Karaoke. Never before has such a tonedeaf version of Ebony and Ivory been done. It then digressed into office chair jousting using pieced together lances from wrapping paper tubes. All of this.. in front of my new underlings who stared in disbelief and horror. Scotty won Office Chair Jousting because I fell off the horse due to a bad push/spin by the wife and Lindy. I needed 2 people because I wanted my horse to be speed tanked. I had the speed.. and was definitely tanked.. but failed to compensate for the office constantly turning left for some reason. Probably had nothing to do with the booze and all to do with why Lindy was on the ground red faced and laughing. My back still hurts from the spectacular cartwheel I did when I dismounted the horse gracefully as a gymnast. good jousting. Save the lance! Made me smile. "I'm also quite confident that you are laughing and it's the kind of laugh that gives normal people shivers." =]I[=
Villtora Aldurald Green Visstick High 2	Posted - 2015.02.06 16:08:35 - [242] - Quote I just cant say howmuch i like to read these... They always make my day at work... When i'm bored and can't play with my minions (co-workers) They don't play but ever since i got to reading these, they all read them to. And yeah, i stole some of your revenge tactics Man that where some fun days Anyways, keep up the posts man, this thread makes a bad day feel a lot lighter
Random McNally The Vendunari End of Life 96335	Posted - 2015.02.06 17:05:06 - [243] - Quote :shudder: Minneapolis. I live close to Minneapolis. It's horrible. I call it the "Evil City". Every time I have to cross the river into the "Evil City" I throw up just a little bit. In my mouth. I'm glad you stayed wherever you are. I would have lost all respect for you, had you gone to Minneapolis. Now, if you'd gone to St. Paul, I'd have partied with you. Shown you the sights and the best places to eat. So..... Welcome back, BOSS UAE. Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat
Iain Cariaba 1027	Posted - 2015.02.06 17:29:25 - [244] - Quote Random McNally wrote: :shudder: Minneapolis. I live close to Minneapolis. It's horrible. I call it the "Evil City". Every time I have to cross the river into the "Evil City" I throw up just a little bit. In my mouth. I'm glad you stayed wherever you are. I would have lost all respect for you, had you gone to Minneapolis. Now, if you'd gone to St. Paul, I'd have partied with you. Shown you the sights and the best places to eat. So..... Welcome back, BOSS UAE. I felt the same way about Council Bluffs, IA, back when I lived in Omaha. Used to make me physically shudder having to drive across the bridge. EvE is hard. It's harder if you're stupid. "This reminds me - I must complain to my local butcher about him not catering to vegitarians." - admiral root responding to someone whining about too much PvP in Eve Online.
LordSwift Swift Enterprise's 46	Posted - 2015.03.27 13:29:51 - [245] - Quote I have read this entire thread at work today. Boss is out and their is like nothing to do today. Loved every page. Keep up the good work if this gets added to. Should just create a blog Mal: "If anyone gets nosy, just...you know... shoot 'em. " Zoe: "Shoot 'em?" Mal: "Politely."
Unsuccessful At Everything The Troll Bridge 21220	Posted - 2015.04.23 21:09:08 - [246] - Quote So, I guess about two months ago we went to a flea market. Not my idea, but it was one of those things you kinda get drug along to because reasons. Im two hours deep into this thing, bored out of my mind, nothing here I want, when I see it.. its a stand that sells the thing. They sell the most realistic fake fruit ive ever seen.. and its cheap. Like 20 bucks for a whole bag of them.. I get that look like 'oh god no.. you aren't planning to..' YES IM ***** PLANNING TO. Its like she doesn't even know me. 20 bucks is worth it dammit. DONT DENY ME MY HAPPINESS. The hard part about this was the fact that the fake fruit did have the correct weight to it, and felt reasonably real, but it also consisted of fake Red Delicious apples and green/red Gala apples, both kinds im not a fan of usually. Im a Granny Smith apple fan, So in order to sell it, I had to change over to one of the sweeter varieties for a while. Still good, but not Granny Smith or muffin good. After some experimentation, I found that placing the fakes in a refrigerator overnight along with the real apples would yield a nearly identical handfeel, and by mixing the reals and fakes together in the same container in the fridge, the fakes took on the smells of the real ones. Science *! TO THE OFFICE!! (Nananaaaaaaa.... or however you spell the old Batman cutscene music.. god I need a spinning muffin batman-esque gif for these situations.. and to link in local.. and to use in pretty much any situation in real life.. the applications could literally be endless.. like the most epic loading animation of all time.. oh I want that.. I need to learn to gif.) Over a weekend, I installed a neat little fridge we had in storage in the cabinet beside my desk, and brought a nice wicker basket bowl thingy to put the fruit in. On a Monday, I brought in the 'fruit' and placed it in the bowlsket on my desk. Now, I wait. Que the finger pyramid of evil contemplation paired with what im sure was the most evil devious smile ever. Now, the first kink in my plan surfaces.. how do I get the flies into my web? I start by calling people into my office for normal stuff they usually just shoot me an email for. Everyone looks at the bowlsket.. but no one takes anything. This goes on for a few days. I already forgot the first rule of a good sca..err plan, it needs to be proactive! That crazy deal on 2xPLEX wouldn't sell itself would it? NO! You need to post in local about it! Same goes for that fail market order you could totally turn around and flip for insane cash! If no one tells you about it, theres no way you would see it! So, when I call people in.. I ask them "would you care for an apple?" Most would politely decline, but there were a few who would go for it. Begin the round of Apple Roulette. The first contestant was Danny. He reaches into the bowlsket of fun and brings out his prize. He shines it up on his pant leg, and goes in for a nice big bite. The look on his face was absolutely priceless as he realizes that is wasn't juicy apple in his mouth. He stops for a moment to contemplate his reaction. He obviously doesn't want to spit it out and look ungrateful to his boss, but he also doesn't want that crap in his mouth. At this point, I lose it, im laughing my ass off. I regain my composure, and like a stoic Grail Knight I hand him a napkin to spit into to, and inform him that he has chosen poorly. Danny has a good sense of humor, and after I explain it to him, he decides hes not going to tell anyone about the trap. Good guy Danny. He just wants to see peoples reactions. The second contestant, John, makes a wise choice, and gets a crisp apple as a reward. Good for him! I don't reveal anything to him, as I want this to keep going. Cathy was the third contestant of Apple Roulette. Cathy also chose poorly. poor Cathy. She laughs it off, but still tells her sectionmates about the trap. DAMN YOU CATHY, THIS IS WHY I CANT HAVE NICE THINGS. From then on, the tarp has been compromised. I will need to sell this for all its worth to keep it up. Thanks for the increased effortload Cathy.. but any good thing requires effort, so I push on! The next few people are seemingly wise to my plan, but never underestimate me, for the power of 'Monkey See, Monkey Do' will prevail in almost any situation. Eat the red berries UaE! Enter Jeremy. Jeremy initially declines, so I reach in and grab one (that I have inconspicuously marked as real, but my grab looks random.. gotta sell it!) and take a bite. I also recline in my chair ever so slightly while im talking to him about his latest report. The office fills with the smell of a freshly bit into apple.. and soon, I can see Jeremy's eyes wandering towards the bowlsket. UaE is eating it, it must be safe. Politely, Jeremy asks 'may I?' while motioning to the goody basket. I nod, and he takes one. He feels it.. and sniffs it. He is obviously cautious, but I had planned for this in the beginning. Yeah! Science *! Having confirmed the authenticity of the apple with touch and smell, he proceeds to take a nice large bite.. of a fake one. The pain in his eyes as he realizes he has fallen for it! So priceless! I nearly choke on my apple with laughter, he does epic apple spit take. Im literally in tears, red faced, breathless from laughing, and all he can do is spit that crap into a napkin and shake his head. He knew better ,and he knew that he knew better. Monkey See, Monkey Do 1, Jeremy 0. Ive gotten a few others since then, buts usually small bites, followed with shaking of the head. My plan is to stop only once I myself have been fooled into biting a fake apple, and the person who is able to make me do it, will become my apprentice, and together we will rule the office floor as father and son. Unless its a girl.. in which case, daughter. Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?**
Iain Cariaba 1305	Posted - 2015.04.23 21:35:20 - [247] - Quote I laughed so hard I teared up. I've missed these stories, UAE. EvE is hard. It's harder if you're stupid. I couldn't have said it better.
Falken Falcon 31701	Posted - 2015.04.24 08:38:46 - [248] - Quote This is the single greatest thing in the forums and possibly even anywhere and everywhere else. Just wanted you to know that. And if i ever quit eve, UAE, you can have all my stuff Aye, Sea Turtles
Random McNally The Vendunari End of Life 99200	Posted - 2015.04.24 11:19:21 - [249] - Quote You sir, are my hero. takes the knee Co-Host of the High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/ Check out the space music at http://minddivided.com In Game Channel HighDragChat

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