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Thread Statistics | Show CCP posts - 1 post(s) |
Agent Li
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Posted - 2006.11.13 16:14:00 -
[121]
A woman goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asks.
"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a Gallente lately?"
The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have."
"That's the problem!" the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of real gold......"
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Agent Li
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Posted - 2006.11.13 16:24:00 -
[122]
An Amarrian had been drinking at a bar all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Amarrian stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The bar called -- you left your Minmatar there again."
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Kailea Shandrasekkar
Caldari Tsurokigaarai Kimotoro Directive
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Posted - 2006.11.13 16:40:00 -
[123]
The Scope reported that the Federation announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'run' to 'hide.'
The only two higher levels in Gallente space are 'surrender' and 'collaborate.'
The increased alert was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed the Federation white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
The price demanded for the most precious of all things in life is life itself: Ultimate cost for perfect value. |
Agent Li
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Posted - 2006.11.13 16:58:00 -
[124]
There was once a Minmatar who was extremely sad with life because people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He sat back and thought about it.
Suddenly he thought - "I have never seen anyone making fun of Gallenteans. So, if I start talking and behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am a Minmatar and make fun of me."
He went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice in the Gallentean language, he walked confidently into a shop and said in perfectly accented Gallentean, "I am very thirsty. Give me some Quafe!"
Immediately, the man behind the counter said "Are you a Minmatar?" This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The man behind the counter said, "Are you a Minmatar or not?"
This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owner's discerning ability and so he admitted to the fact after which he asked, "But how did you know?"
The shopkeeper replied, "This is a ship equipment store!"
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Teinyhr
Minmatar United Systems Navy
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Posted - 2006.11.14 10:50:00 -
[125]
Q: Why doesn't CONCORD sanction drunken driving/under the influence? A: I'll answer with a question.. Ever wondered why Minmatar ships wobble?
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Ottom Ephesianos
Amarr Freelance Unincorporated Ushra'Khan
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Posted - 2006.11.14 15:47:00 -
[126]
Q: What do you get when you nail an Amarr Emperor to a tree? A: Insurection!
--------------------------------- "Trust me I've done this before." Elite R. Ephesianos ---------------------------------
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Wraith0078
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Posted - 2006.11.20 16:17:00 -
[127]
Q: How can you tell if a Minmatar is well-hung?
A: His toes are pointed straight down and they're still at least four inches from the ground.
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Ashturi Nagano
LeM Enterprises
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Posted - 2006.11.20 18:24:00 -
[128]
Originally by: Kailea Shandrasekkar The Scope reported that the Federation announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'run' to 'hide.'
The only two higher levels in Gallente space are 'surrender' and 'collaborate.'
The increased alert was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed the Federation white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
This is, quite possibly, the most amusing joke to date. I applaud you, ma'am. ----- Kyoturi clan priorities: Customer > Kyoturi > Everyone else "Still Xenophobes after 26 centuries" |
Agent Li
Galactic Defence Consortium
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Posted - 2006.11.20 19:13:00 -
[129]
What does it say on the bottom of a Quafe bottle on Minmatar?
"Open Other End"
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kamikaze bushido
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Posted - 2007.01.22 07:13:00 -
[130]
Edited by: kamikaze bushido on 22/01/2007 07:10:29
There was an Caldari pilot, a Gallente pilot and a Damsel sitting together in an InterBus shuttle going through Essence. The shuttle's pilot made an apologetic announcement that the passenger lighting was faulty and may go out for periods of time during their journey.
Right on cue, the shuttle lights went out and it was completely dark.
Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud *SLAP*. When the lights came back on, the Damsel and the Caldari pilot were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Gallente had a nasty red slap mark on his face.
The Gallente guy was thinking: "The Caldari fella must have kissed the Damsel and she missed him and slapped me instead."
The Damsel was thinking: "The Gallente fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Caldari fella and got slapped for it."
The Caldari pilot was thinking: "This is great. The next time the power goes out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Gallente guy again."
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Edo Orr
Amarr Imperial Academy
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Posted - 2007.01.22 12:03:00 -
[131]
Q: How many Minmatar do you need to paint an Apocalypse? A: Depends on how hard you throw them at it...
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Jarah Tatarin
Minmatar mega mining corporation Astral Wolves
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Posted - 2007.01.22 13:37:00 -
[132]
There was an Amarr, a Minmatar and a Gallente standing at the edge of a cliff, Suddently the Amarrian throws a goldpiece off the clif.
The Minmatar looks at him furious and asks "-Why did you do that for?!" The Amarrian responds calmly "-Dont worry, we got plenty of gold back home"
Feeling underestimated, the Minmatar picks upp an Apocalypse-original blueprint and throws it off the cliff. Surprised and confused the Amarrian asks him "-Why did you do that for?!"
The Minmatar looks at him with a confident look and says "-Dont worry, we got alot of that kind of crap back home after the last raid"
the Gallentian didnt bring anything with him so he looks around to find something to throw, suddently he picks up the Minmatar and throws him off the cliff.
The Amarrian looks at him very surprised and asks "-Why did you do that for?"
The Gallenian responds "Dont worry, we got alot of them back home, f***ing immigrants"
Self-rasist? Yeah I know :/
Im not a rasist, I got a color Teve! |
Rudy Metallo
Minmatar G.H.O.S.T
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Posted - 2007.01.23 22:29:00 -
[133]
Originally by: Kailea Shandrasekkar The Scope reported that the Federation announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'run' to 'hide.'
The only two higher levels in Gallente space are 'surrender' and 'collaborate.'
The increased alert was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed the Federation white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
I nearly died.
Someone get this person a mic and a speacial.
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Angelice
Minmatar British Space Corporation
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Posted - 2007.01.24 00:36:00 -
[134]
Q: How do you stop an Amarr slaver from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Angelice British Space Corps
"To see the right and not to do it is cowardice." - Confucius
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Hin Vemere
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Posted - 2007.01.25 00:33:00 -
[135]
Q. Why did the Caldari cross the road? A. Because his superiors at Kaalakiota Corporation requested that he do so or suffer termination of contract.
Q. How many Caldari does it take to change a lightbulb? A. However many as is stated in Wiyrkomi Corporation procedures manual #A5E7B (monitoring and replacement of standard State ceiling fittings, volume 1 of 15), no more and no less.
Q. How did the State Board of Directors recruit so many Caldari to fight and die against the Gallente Federation? A. By upping their life insurance policies by 4.013%, thus making their deaths profitable.
Q. How do you confuse a Caldari? A. By using animations and gentle humour in your Powerpoint presentations.
Q. How does a Caldari rebel against his corporate leaders? A. By clocking off 1.2 minutes early, and to hell with the consequences. The really reckless ones take an extra doughnut from the fridge.
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Ashturi Nagano
Mantigen Quanta
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Posted - 2007.01.28 07:29:00 -
[136]
Q: How many Emporers of Amarr does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Don't you have to be alive to do that?
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Andreus Ixiris
Gallente Luna Rossa Corporation The Guardian Coalition
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Posted - 2007.01.28 15:17:00 -
[137]
Q. How many Amarrians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. They're all too busy screwing the Empire.
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Beelzebub Beeblebrox
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Posted - 2007.01.30 17:23:00 -
[138]
A university decided to do a study on the amount of brains that a Minmatar has. They opened up his brain and found two spoonfulls of grey matter. When they were putting him back together they figured that it's easier to put just one back in, he won't notice it anyway.
When he woke up, his first words were: - What are you doing to me? I'm goin back to Amarr Prime!
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Drone Whisperer
Gallente Sane Industries Inc.
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Posted - 2007.01.30 20:31:00 -
[139]
3 Navy Admirals were all discussing who's troops had the most balls
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Drone Whisperer
Gallente Sane Industries Inc.
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Posted - 2007.01.30 20:48:00 -
[140]
Edited by: Drone Whisperer on 30/01/2007 20:46:30 sorry bout 2nd post, pc probs (damned Vista)
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Katana Silvayne
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Posted - 2007.01.31 20:03:00 -
[141]
Originally by: Suvetar How many Jovians does it take to screw in a light bulb? - None, theres not enough room in there
LMAO
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Ultroth
Minmatar Beagle Corp
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Posted - 2007.02.02 06:59:00 -
[142]
Edited by: Ultroth on 02/02/2007 06:56:23 A caldari man and an amarian man are talking in the bar one day about who's son is laziest. Eventually the caldari says "I'll prove my son is the laziest, come with me"
So off they go to his house, and find the caldari mans son, sitting in front of the tube watching galnet with all the comforts of home within arms reach.
"Watch this" says the caldari man, "Son, go next door and get me a bottle of Quafe, for this I will buy you any ship and any fittings you may desire, with as many exotic dancers as you want"
The son grunts "meh, go yerself, i'd have to fill in a form for that!"
The caldari man turns to the amarrian "see, laziest boy ever!"
"Thats nothing" says the amarrian, "come with me."
A few minutes later they reach the amarrians house, they go inside and find the amarrian son lying on a an expensive fur rug in front of the fire, weeping and sobbing like a small girl.
"My son!! Whatever is the matter??"
To which the amarrian son replies "I'm burning...."
"It's better to stay silent and appear stupid, than to open your mouth and leave no doubt!"
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Blue Azur
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Posted - 2007.02.03 11:24:00 -
[143]
Originally by: kamikaze bushido Edited by: kamikaze bushido on 22/01/2007 07:10:29
There was an Caldari pilot, a Gallente pilot and a Damsel sitting together in an InterBus shuttle going through Essence. The shuttle's pilot made an apologetic announcement that the passenger lighting was faulty and may go out for periods of time during their journey.
Right on cue, the shuttle lights went out and it was completely dark.
Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud *SLAP*. When the lights came back on, the Damsel and the Caldari pilot were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Gallente had a nasty red slap mark on his face.
The Gallente guy was thinking: "The Caldari fella must have kissed the Damsel and she missed him and slapped me instead."
The Damsel was thinking: "The Gallente fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Caldari fella and got slapped for it."
The Caldari pilot was thinking: "This is great. The next time the power goes out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Gallente guy again."
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Psyber
The Legion of Spoon Curatores Veritatis Alliance
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Posted - 2007.02.04 11:13:00 -
[144]
Q. How many Minmatars does it take to change a lightbulb you ask? A. Minmatars can't use lightbulbs, they are not enlightned.
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Amastat
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Posted - 2007.11.02 04:04:00 -
[145]
(Pax Amarria II) Slot: High Activation Cost: 100 Energy Consumption Quantity: 100,000 Consumption Type: Elite Slaves Holy Damage: 5,000,000 HP Activation Time / Duration: 10 Sec. Reactivation Delay: 360 Sec. Description: Once opened creates a rift from the heavenly beyond, unleashing unimaginable divine energy to smite the wicked. Has an effective range of 500 AU. Skill Requirement: Smite Level IV - Skill at preaching. 100% increased damage to non-believers per level. 200% increased damage to Minmatar per level.
(Soap Bubble Generator II) Slot: Medium Field Strength: 75% Field Radius: 200km Activation Cost: 20 Energy Activation Time / Duration: 5 Seconds Description: Expands a protective shield of water and soap as a defensive barrier. Reduces chances of Minmatar beggars from getting within beggar range. Skill Requirement: Personal Hygiene IV - Skill at cleaning yourself. 5% increase in field strength per level. 3% chance that Beggars that go within the field will explode per level.
(Amarr Navy Firehouse II) Slot: High Activation Cost: 2.5 Energy Accuracy Falloff: 2,500 m Trackingspeed / Accuracy: 0.6489 rad/sec Rate of Fire: 1.5 Sec. Damage Modifier: 6.15x Optimal Range: 56,800 m Used with (Chargegroup): Dishwasher Fluid Signature Resolution: 20 m Description: State-of-the-Art Minmatar crowd control technology straight from the Amarr Navy laboratories. Advanced Soap and Hot water technology designed to break down the bubble gum and duck-tape characteristic to all Minmatar vessels at the molecular level - Forcing the unfortunate vessel to either retreat or face their immediate demise. Skill Requirement: Cleansing IV - Skill at operating Water Jets. 25% increase in damage per level. 15% in optimal range per level.
(Serrated Whip II) Slot: Low Rate of Fire Bonus: 25% Damage Bonus: 100% Description: An improved standard-issue whip used by Amarrian slavedrivers. Skill Requirement: Slavetrading - Knowledge of interaction with slaves. 200% bonus to the effect of modules requiring Slavetrading per level. 400% bonus to the effect of modules requiring Slavetrading per level when fighting Minmatar.
(Armored Warfare Link - Will of the Amarr) Slot: High Command Bonus: 10% Activation Cost: 50 Energy Description: Increases the speed of the gang's personal and targeted armor repairs systems. 200% effect bonus when fighting Minmatar POS structures.
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Hae t'Redd
Baptism oF Fire VENOM Alliance
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Posted - 2007.11.02 19:41:00 -
[146]
During the Caldari-Gallente war, the 2 opposing generals called a one day armistice to discuss rules of engagement, prisoner exchange etc. At the end of the meeting the Caldari general and the Gallente general saluted each other and the Caldari General asked the Gallente General if he would share a drink to the quick end to hostilities and the hope for future peace. The Gallente General accepted adding his hope that a peaceful resolution would be quick in coming. The Caldari General turned and said to his aide,"Bring out our finest liquor and also my red coat." The Gallente general leaned forward and asked,"Why do you need a red coat." "Well my fine gallente compatriot, I will wear my red coat into battle tomorrow, so that if I am shot, my troops will not know and will fight on like I am still leading them." The Gallente general thought this over and turned to his aide,"Captain, bring my brown pants"
Welcome to the sexy party. |
Hae t'Redd
Baptism oF Fire VENOM Alliance
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Posted - 2007.11.02 20:20:00 -
[147]
4 Diplomats (1 from each major empire) are squabbling as they walk together through the corridors on the Jita 4-4 station. As they walk along they come upon a large ornate bottle sitting in the middle of the passage. The gallente diplo picks it up and POOF a genie appears in front of the four. The genie bellows out,"I am Akazar, Genie of the Sacred Lamp, those who find me shall each recieve one wish!"
The Amarr diplo pipes up,"Oh great genie, my people are being corrupted by these inferior races. My wish is that all of my people be returned to the homeworld so they may again be brought into the light." POOF, the Amarr was gone.
Next the Gallente pushed forward,"Wondrous Genie, I too, wish that my people be returned to our homeworld, for recently they have come to have an inflated sense of entitlement. It is time for the Gallente to remember that freedom takes work and must be cultivate." POOF, the Gallente was gone.
The Minmatar diplo stepped forward,"Merciful genie, my people have suffered long under an oppressive yoke, the other races have denied them their proper place. I wish my people were all returned to our homeworld to live their lives in peace and happiness." POOF, the Minmatar was gone.
Finally, the Caldari came forward,"Great genie, so, all the Amarr, Gallente and Minmatar are back on their homeworld?" "YES" "Ok, then make those stars go supernova."
Welcome to the sexy party. |
Trent Valtine
Gallente Strix Armaments and Defence Acheron Federation
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Posted - 2007.11.02 20:55:00 -
[148]
An Amarr priest, a Minmatar slave, a Caldari businessman, and a Gallente politician were stranded on a desert planet after the crashing of an Interbus shuttle. After wandering through the sand dunes for days, and with the nearest settlement visible in the distance, they stumble upon a magic lamp. The Minmatar shoves the priest out of the way and snatches it up. He rubs the side and the genie comes out. The genie says, "After centuries, I am free. For your reward, I will give you all one wish. Consider it carefully."
The slave answers first. "Genie, I want my people to be free from the Amarr." The genie folds his arms, nods his head, and the vitroc-addled slaves are instantly transported to the Republic, where the infrastructure cannot deal with the influx of people. The slave himself is also transported.
The Amarr grabs it up next. "Genie, I want my people to be in Paradise with out Lord and Savior." The genie folds his arms, nods his head, and all the Amarr die out across the galaxy.
The businessman, after careful consideration, picks up the lamp and says, "Genie, I want my people to never be threatened by the Gallente again." The genie folds his arms, nods his head, and the Caldari are never seen again, transported to their own galaxy.
The politician, who has been quiet the whole time, looks up to the genie. "So, the Amarr are dead, the slaves are free, and the Caldari are out of our hair?"
The genie nods and says, "Tell me your wish."
The politician thinks for a moment, then smiles. "I'll have a Quafe then."
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Ardan
Minmatar Brutor tribe
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Posted - 2007.11.02 21:50:00 -
[149]
I have one.
How did the mighty "Golden Fleet" that was fighting for the glory of God, loose to a bunch of back world monkeys, flying trash heaps with out dated weapons systems on them?
I guess it must have been the will of God.
"Let them hate us as long as they Fear us." Colligula |
Hae t'Redd
Baptism oF Fire VENOM Alliance
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Posted - 2007.11.02 22:33:00 -
[150]
What's tall, pale and useless on a woman?
A Gallente
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