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Weaselior
GoonWaffe
Goonswarm Federation
2252
   |
Posted - 2012.02.20 21:46:00 -
[1] - Quote
Hello there. IGÇÖm Weaselior. You may remember me from the Gallente Ice Interdiction, explaining in detail about how you would be murdered if you showed up in a Gallente ice belt. Today, however, I am not here to tell you I plan to murder you. Instead, IGÇÖm here to tell you about a candidate for CSM; a candidate for the Chairman of the CSM. The Mittani, King of Space, is running for re-election to the CSM and IGÇÖm here to tell you why you should vote for him.
GÇ£But Weaselior,GÇ¥ you may cry, GÇ£why would I vote for a man who wants nothing more than to drop a brutix on me? Surely what I want in a CSM candidate is a man after my own heart, who wants nothing more than to mine all day! And why should I take advice on who to vote for from a man who wants nothing more than to drop a tornado on me and then blow my pod up with a thrasher?GÇ¥ IGÇÖll tell you why: there is no candidate who values you more than The Mittani. Other candidates will make wild promises, about how they will promise you that mining will be fixed, mining bots scourged from EVE, and the like. They will also fill pages with wild screeds about how highsec will become a barren wasteland if The Mittani is allowed to have his way, painting a picture of a horrific dystopia where brutixes annihilate anyone who dares undock.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Just as the first conservationists were hunters, seeking to preserve the pristine wilderness and the animals within it, so they might from time to time stroll through that wilderness and shoot everything in sight. After all, it is rather a disappointment to wander through an empty field with enough firepower to equip a small regiment and not see even a single rabbit worth blasting to smithereens. So too, The Mittani values your health and welfare, and values the preservation of highsec as an idyllic wilderness where you can graze on veldspar to your heartGÇÖs content. Other candidates may claim they wish to improve mining, or make highsec more fun, or to scourge bots out of the belts. But really, what is their motivation to follow through? TheyGÇÖre not a credible voice to CCP GÇô after all, it looks like they merely wish to pad their own wallets and advance their own parochial interests. Nor do they have a real incentive GÇô if elected, theyGÇÖll already have gained the only thing they sought, recognition. They will not have the vision to see what could be done GÇô after all, theyGÇÖve experienced only a small slice of what EVE has to offer. Nor will they have the force of will to represent any ideas they have well: years in the asteroid belts fighting rocks that do not fight back does not produce the sort of forceful personality necessary to represent you.
How do you know The Mittani has your best interests at heart? Just like Teddy Roosevelt GÇô hunter, meat-lover, conservationist GÇô The Mittani values your continued existence. The Mittani realizes it is important to keep you, and your many friends, happily mining in belts because without you, there is no one to gank. And The Mittani values your tireless work in the belts and would like to encourage even more people to populate the belts. And, just like you, The Mittani hates the highsec mining bot. We understand your frustration when you are crowded out by bots. We too value people mining in the belts. A bot, after all, does not complain when they lose a ship. A bot will instantly warp out when ganked, avoiding having their pod cracked open like an egg. We share your desire for more profitable, more bot-free, and more fun mining: because weGÇÖd like you in the belts.
It is true that from time to time I, or The Mittani, may attempt to kill you. We may even do so repeatedly, on a massive scale. But really, this is as much in your interests as ours. Sure, the dumber people may continually wander into the interdicted ice fields with nary a concern in the world for why that rookie ship is beelining to them and where all those wrecks came from. But you, the educated highsec voter, are a cut above this common idiot. You have your day made more interesting: do you mine the forbidden ice, reaping greater profits at the risk of a tornado swooping in and making your ship vanish in a flash? Or do you kneel to the King of Space and avoid the forbidden ice? Either way, you have been given something new to react to and do.
You will hear much from candidates trying to play on your fears, to convince you to vote for them because they are the GÇ£anti-goonGÇ¥. Left unsaid, of course, will be their qualifications and what they can do for you. They think youGÇÖre a fool, that you will be willing to send them on a free trip to Iceland merely by playing on your fears, knowing youGÇÖd never consider them a worthy candidate were you to carefully mull over your options.
The Mittani may spend countless hours mulling over the best way to kill you. He may even spend sums of isk that seem unimaginable to you just for the pleasure of blowing you up en masse. But goonswarm realizes that we cannot hunt the highsec miner to extinction. We are not the shortsighted hunters who see an unending field of buffalo and hunt them to extinction: we seek to maintain the harmony of highsec, with miners fat and plentiful so that the screams as brutixes rain from the sky every so often remain the beautiful melody we have all come to love. And it is that connection, those shared interests, that make The Mittani the candidate for you.
We can rise above those petty fools who seek to divide us for their own crude gains. We can prevent unqualified idiots from playing on your fears to gain status they have no right to. We are all in this together. We can all unite behind the Chairman for Life, King of Space, The Mittani.
One EVE, One Vote, One Chairman.
Vote Mittani in the upcoming CSM Election. |
Kamteix
Les chevaliers de l'ordre
Goonswarm Federation
2
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 21:48:00 -
[2] - Quote
Weaselior wrote: King of Space, The Mittani.
One EVE, One Vote, One Chairman.
+1 |
Paragon Renegade
Wyvern Operations
288
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 21:50:00 -
[3] - Quote
Your ass must be jealous of all that **** your mouth shoots out
The pie is a tautology |
Cipher Jones
301
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 21:51:00 -
[4] - Quote
Nothing in the world is more pathetic than a man giving another man a verbal blowjob.
See what happens when fat neckbeards try to ride little ponies? The ponies die. |
Tippia
Sunshine and Lollipops
4964
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 21:52:00 -
[5] - Quote
There's a much more simple reason: because the amount of tooth-gnashing it would generate is enough to keep dentists around the world employed for another generation or two.
Think of the dentists, people!
GÇ£If you're not willing to fight for what you have in GëívGëí you don't deserve it, and you will lose it.GÇ¥
If not, contact Miss DSA to shed your wardecs. |
Lexmana
Imperial Stout
221
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 21:56:00 -
[6] - Quote
You just have to admire someone who can lead ... goons.
Haven't decided on my vote yet though. |
Weaselior
GoonWaffe
Goonswarm Federation
2252
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 21:56:00 -
[7] - Quote
Cipher Jones wrote:Nothing in the world is more pathetic than a man giving another man a verbal blowjob.
Ask yourselves, when you're choosing who to vote for: who do you wish to align yourself with? The Cipher Jones of the world, bitter, alone, and resentful, offering nothing but badposting when the hand of friendship is extended? Or do you wish to align yourselves with The Mittani, the King of Space, who is offering you a chance to participate in making highsec a better place to graze happily, with nary a bot to be seen? |
Josef Djugashvilis
The Scope
Gallente Federation
4
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 22:02:00 -
[8] - Quote
And I quote, "TheyGÇÖre not a credible voice to CCP GÇô after all, it looks like they merely wish to pad their own wallets and advance their own parochial "
Not that Mittens would ever allow such selfish, foul thoughts to sully his utilitarian mind. |
Tarryn Nightstorm
Hellstar Towing and Recovery
219
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 22:05:00 -
[9] - Quote
Oh, **** off... 
I are kyute kitten!
I are in ur mishun!
Redoosin' teh lag by ninja'ing ur wrekz!
(CCP: Make wrecks probable, and after 30min., tractorable.) |
Weaselior
GoonWaffe
Goonswarm Federation
2252
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 22:06:00 -
[10] - Quote
Josef Djugashvilis wrote:And I quote, "TheyGÇÖre not a credible voice to CCP GÇô after all, it looks like they merely wish to pad their own wallets and advance their own parochial "
Not that Mittens would ever allow such selfish, foul thoughts to sully his utilitarian mind.
The Mittani, King of Space, is the best-known advocate for a technetium nerf. Technetium, for those who are unaware, currently produces approximately 718 billion isk per month for goonswarm, yet The Mittani has advocated for its nerf at every turn due to the poor effect it has had on game balance. The Mittani has had the chance to advocate for Goonswarm's financial interests at the expense of the game, and has not taken it. The Mittani is the only candidate who has passed such a test. |
Corina Jarr
Spazzoid Enterprises
Purpose Built
579
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 22:11:00 -
[11] - Quote
Meh I'd rather spend my vote on those I like or hate, rather than those I don't care about one way or the other. |
Lyrrashae
Crushed Ambitions
Reckless Ambition
232
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 22:11:00 -
[12] - Quote
I don't think I've ever seen such un-shamed, vigourous verbal fellatio in my life
Come on, keep your peccadilloes reasonably discreet, will ya, we really don't need to know about it.
Tarryn Nightstorm wrote: Oh, **** off...
^^And, this, too^^
Or maybe it should say, "suck off?"
Hans Jagerblitzen for CSM 7!
(Mittens, you may not want to admit it, but your day in the sun is over. Next!)
|
Ai Shun
288
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 22:22:00 -
[13] - Quote
I've been tempted by one candidate that proposed focussing on conflict in EVE; across all facets of the game. A close second would be for a candidate that actually plays EVE well; and I can't help but take my hat off to The Mittani for doing that very, very well. |
Weaselior
GoonWaffe
Goonswarm Federation
2255
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 22:53:00 -
[14] - Quote
Ai Shun wrote:I've been tempted by one candidate that proposed focussing on conflict in EVE; across all facets of the game. A close second would be for a candidate that actually plays EVE well; and I can't help but take my hat off to The Mittani for doing that very, very well.
While I did not stress these aspects of The Mittani's qualifications since they seemed less relevant to the population of this forum, The Mittani has consistently promoted and advocated for conflict in EVE. The list of 0.0 regions that have not been invaded by Goonswarm at some point is extremely small. |
Radelix Cisko
The Adjustment Team
21
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 22:56:00 -
[15] - Quote
Well then The Mittani can come tell us himself instead of sending a messenger. I care not for your words, let me hear his.
Why yes i did just read the 1st line and go straight to reply |
Florestan Bronstein
United Highsec Front
The 99 Percent
411
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 23:09:00 -
[16] - Quote
Cipher Jones wrote:Nothing in the world is more pathetic than a man giving another man a verbal blowjob.
this reminds me of that awesome dbrb fanfiction I read a long time ago...  |
Pollo Rico
Federal Navy Academy
Gallente Federation
56
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 23:13:00 -
[17] - Quote
Weaselior wrote:The Mittani, King of Space, is the best-known advocate for a technetium nerf. Technetium, for those who are unaware, currently produces approximately 718 billion isk per month for goonswarm, yet The Mittani has advocated for its nerf at every turn due to the poor effect it has had on game balance. The Mittani has had the chance to advocate for Goonswarm's financial interests at the expense of the game, and has not taken it. The Mittani is the only candidate who has passed such a test.
Pollo he approves. Pollo he wants to know where he can pick up Mittani mittens... Pollo, his hands get cold.
http://tinyurl.com/Pollo-Approves |
ILikeMarkets
Royal Amarr Institute
Amarr Empire
64
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 23:15:00 -
[18] - Quote
lol why even bother posting a "Vote for Mittens" thread? The goons will vote for him. There are enough goons for him to win. Others might vote for him just to have someone to keep making fun of... but at the end of the day, this is really a moot point. Mittens WILL win because the goons WILL vote for him.
As the Justin Beiber of EVE, his Beleibers will keep him afloat.
Protect highsec.-áWe are the 66%.
https://p.twimg.com/Ajc6KNBCQAAT9my.png (Source: https://twitter.com/ccp_diagoras ) |
Pollo Rico
Federal Navy Academy
Gallente Federation
56
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 23:15:00 -
[19] - Quote
Radelix Cisko wrote:Well then The Mittani can come tell us himself instead of sending a messenger. I care not for your words, let me hear his.
Why yes i did just read the 1st line and go straight to reply
Pollo, he not approve of your insubordination.
http://tinyurl.com/Pollo-Approves |
Florestan Bronstein
United Highsec Front
The 99 Percent
411
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 23:17:00 -
[20] - Quote
ILikeMarkets wrote:lol why even bother posting a "Vote for Mittens" thread?
(a) never stop posting
(b) you wrote a reply |
Pollo Rico
Federal Navy Academy
Gallente Federation
56
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 23:19:00 -
[21] - Quote
Weaselior wrote:Vote Mittani in the upcoming CSM Election.
Pollo he approves... but Pollo not have his papers, and if Pollo Rico vote, the Goon Federales will just bring Pollo back to where Pollo came from.
http://tinyurl.com/Pollo-Approves |
Chump Clone
State War Academy
Caldari State
0
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 23:21:00 -
[22] - Quote
OP reminds me of this queen song...
Quote:One man one goal one mission,
One heart one soul just one solution,
One flash of light yeah one god one vision
One flesh one bone,
One true religion,
One voice one hope,
One real decision,
Wowowowo gimme one vision
No wrong no right,
I'm gonna tell you there's no black and no white,
No blood no stain,
All we need is one world wide vision
Vision,
Give me your hands,
Give me your hearts,
I'm ready,
There's only one direction,
One world and one nation,
Yeah one vision
Gimme one night,
Gimme one hope,
Just gimme,
One man one man,
One bar one night,
One day hey hey,
Just gimme gimme gimme
Fried chicken
I for one like fried chicken. |
Azriel Geist
Tribal Liberation Force
Minmatar Republic
12
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 23:22:00 -
[23] - Quote
I will be voting for Hans Jagerblitzen.
The Mittani has had his run, it's time for him to step aside. |
ILikeMarkets
Royal Amarr Institute
Amarr Empire
64
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 23:23:00 -
[24] - Quote
Florestan Bronstein wrote:
(b) you wrote a reply
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Protect highsec.-áWe are the 66%.
https://p.twimg.com/Ajc6KNBCQAAT9my.png (Source: https://twitter.com/ccp_diagoras ) |
SkiD-MaRk
DEAD-ON
11
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 23:24:00 -
[25] - Quote
Wow that was one well written rim job.
Lets hear his words, not some messengers passing after taking it up the smoke stack.
|
Radelix Cisko
The Adjustment Team
22
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 23:30:00 -
[26] - Quote
Pollo Rico wrote:Radelix Cisko wrote:
Words
Pollo, he not approve of your insubordination.
That is implying that I'm subordinate to GS.
|
Weaselior
GoonWaffe
Goonswarm Federation
2261
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 23:30:00 -
[27] - Quote
Azriel Geist wrote:I will be voting for Hans Jagerblitzen.
The Mittani has had his run, it's time for him to step aside.
While altposting is a time-honored tradition on eve-o, it is considered good form to be less obvious about it Lyrrashae |
Ioci
Bad Girl Posse
80
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 23:31:00 -
[28] - Quote
Go to Jita Speakers corner like the rest of us, publetard. |
Nephilius
Grey Legionaires
316
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 23:35:00 -
[29] - Quote
Sorry, I'm too much of a free thinking individual to ever vote for someone who would style themselves as the Caesar of Space. Nice, long article, but I don't have to take the lid off of the trashcan to know that there's only garbage inside.
To stand before a man at an inquisition, knowing that he will rejoice when we die, knowing that he will commit us to the stake and its horrors without a moment's hesitation or remorse if we do not satisfy him, is not an experience much less cruel because our inquisitor does not whip us or rack us or shout at us. |
Jita Alt666
917
|
Posted - 2012.02.20 23:37:00 -
[30] - Quote
Mittani is one of 3 candidates who have demonstrated they possess the skill set to communicate with and challenge CCP whilst ensuring the relationship between themselves and CCP is congenial and stable. |
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